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Now for the second installment of Stupid Things I Did In My Room in the ’80s, a follow-up to The Day Dave Became an Anteater from earlier this year. I’ve always had this problem where I can’t stop thinking about shit late at night. I’ll toss and turn for hours. I remember even when I was 10 or 11 staying up until 3 am struggling desperately to find something to watch on TV (this was before we had cable so it was rough). Some nights I’d rearrange my room just for something to do, but I digress. ...

Tired and going to bed after last night’s slumber was rudely interrupted and today I was a zombie (with a small C cup). So what happened today… Went to the mall where school girls in uniform enjoyed their lunch hour and I enjoyed the sight of school girls in uniform. I didn’t feel bad about it for one second. Got to Mohawk and enjoyed a Diet Pepsi. I’m on a diet, you know. What’s that? You didn’t know? Well why do you think I’ve been slimming down? What’s that? I’ve actually been GAINING weight?! Well you’re a horrible person and I hope you slip in the shower and land on your face. ...

Yeah, that’s right, I’m up. Think the cell phone call I received about an hour ago would be my latest so far in 2007. Yippee!! You’d think an asshole two time zones away would realize that I probably wasn’t still at work. Thanks a lot, fuckface!! So now I’m sitting here playing poker and surfing porn to kill time. Just saw an email sent by Woodbine’s entertainment powerhouse, Chris Hickey. He reminded me of this video, which hasn’t failed to cheer me up yet again. Enjoy! ...

Another day, another shaveless morn’. I look like a bum on the outside and feel like an ass on the inside. Tomorrow evening I’ll celebrate by driving into a bridge abutment. Got to work shortly after 9 am. Had to endure the ridicule of arriving over an hour earlier than usual. I’ll make sure that never happens again. Worked on some stuff while it was quiet to avoid the herd of knob jobs who’d normally hassle me. All went well. ...

Another tough wake-up after catching Monday’s Heroes episode late last night. Was worth it, though Morning Dave was exceptionally miserable. So miserable that he decided to forego shaving again to make everyone else miserable. Went to Mohawk and stopped at Tim Horton’s where there was a pretty good lineup. As I waited, a grimy dude lined up beside me. He said, “Never fails. It’s always busy at every Tim Horton’s.” Yeah, thanks, but I didn’t order any small talk, if that’s what you want to call that. A minute later, he loudly said, “Can I get you something?” right at me and gestured in my direction. I looked directly at him, then around the store and didn’t see anyone else who he could have expected to answer that question. I said nothing in return and I’m just gonna assume he’s retarded. ...

Very little. Took all my strength to hoist my bulk from bed this morning. Probably a result of staying up ’till 1:30 watching The Real World. I’m well aware that I have the TV viewing habits of a 17-year-old girl and I’ve really gotta start feeling the appropriate amount of shame. Made a couple stops on the way to work and arrived unshaved and dishevelled by about 10:45. Settled in for 2 hours of steady actual work, then celebrated with a trip to Subway. A turkey sub, a bag of chips and a frosty rootbeer were ordered and hastily consumed in my car as I listened to Stern. I swallowed that fucker like a mustard-covered pill. ...

A good night’s sleep and I feel much better. Off to the mother’s this afternoon to deliver some Mom’s Day flowers. Also cut the grass. Had I not covered the garage floor with gasoline in the process, I’d say I’m a great son. Came home and removed the warning stickers from the visors in my car. I’ve decided I live life a little too much on the straight and narrow, so to hell with those things. Not even sure what they say. If it wasn’t something about not dipping and eating McNuggets while driving with your knees, I don’t need to hear it. ...

So after work last night I headed over to Southside’s to meet up with some of the old crew from high school. Spent a few hours reminiscing about the past and catching up on what’s transpired in the 12 years since graduation. Great to see Luc, Kevin Dwyer, Kevin Beam, Adam and Allison. Later on I strapped my fat ass into a child’s seat and we headed over to the Barnea, home of the World famous “Here, take a look at my dick” washroom. We headed out to the patio where I was introduced to Adam’s younger sister and Luc introduced me to a Grade A secret pissing area. Few more hours of drinking then a little apartment booze to wrap things up. Item #1 on my To Do list: Hang out with these crazy fuckers more often … ...

Got the windshield in the Corolla replaced yesterday morning. I bounced a stinky homeless child off it a couple weeks ago and the resulting crack caused the memory of that child to linger. I’ve got enough shit going through my head. I don’t need that. Then went to work and picked up some geekery on the way in. I asked the guy for a piece of hardware at the geek emporium and he answered, “Um, it doesn’t work that way.” Three seconds later he said, “Oh, wait” and repeated back to me exactly what I had asked him for, followed by, “You’ll find those in isle 22.” You worthless balding c word. I dumb down my request and deliberately talk slower than is called for, and what does it get me? One more jelly bean of rage to add to the jar. ...

Last night I was giving my teeth their monthly brushing and felt a burp coming on. Wish I’d had a clearer sense of what was about to transpire. My burp revealed itself to be an unfortunate mini mouth vomit. The food (I’m gonna say a wiener still fully formed and high on life) came up my esophagus, kissed the tip of the toothbrush and then disappeared from whence it came. Crossed my mind to rush down and write it up here for all to enjoy, but the prospect of sleep overtook me. ...