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I had a dream last night. I was driving a very large pickup (it was a British model as I was in a right-side driver’s seat). I was taking my Mom and brothers out to buy a humidifier. We went to a store where an inconsiderate salesman gave us the run around and refused to help us. I told him off and then told the family that we should go somewhere else. We headed outside and loaded ourselves into the truck. As I was getting ready to pull away, I saw the salesman approaching my door. I said, “Well, here we go” and exited the truck ready to throw down. The guy was quite animated and explained that he doesn’t make much commission on humidifiers and that’s why he wasn’t paying us much attention. That part of the dream ended and I then found myself driving the pickup around a carnival or circus. I’d look all this up in a dream book, but it’s certain to suggest that I’m gay. Let’s just say I’m gay and save me the time to find that book. ...

This, the fifteenth of January on the 2008th year of modern days began early in the village of Fort Erie. I woketh at 4:30. Took a showereth. I plowed down a small tub of heavily-sauced macaroni salad in the car. I drove 20 minutes to the gas station where I quietly polished off that tub and disposed of the container in the garbage. No one will know my delicious secret but you. Please don’t tell anyone. Doc says I’m supposed to be limiting my mayonnaise intake. Doc also says that thing on my back is a “serious concern” though I’m pretty sure it’s just a bit of Crispy Crunch. You know I like the Crispy Crunch. Used to be my favourite until Skor came along. Where did you come from, Skor and where were you when I needed you most? Off practicing your badminton skills, huh? Well where the heck did that get you? Exactly nowhere if I’m not mistaken. But cheer up. You can still lay hardwood with the best of ’em. ...

To the guy who cut me off on the highway: Hi. How ya doin’? Oh, hey, guess what… your wife has syphilis. How do I know? How do you think I know? Do I really think she deserved it? I dunno. I don’t concern myself with those details. Have a good night and say hello to your whore daughter for me. Another day at work, another 8 dollars in the bank. I high-fived three people today and you all know who you are. You all should probably realize that I spent the better part of the morning pulling black fluff off my wang. That’s pretty disgusting, I know. Being me isn’t fun. It’s a flabby, stinky thrill ride, but that doesn’t really equate to “fun.” ...

Enough of the stupid McDonald’s stories. Enough whining and moaning about furnaces, a little winter cold and going back to fucking work. Everyone has expensive shit to buy for their house. Everyone gets sick. And every fucking person I know (aside from Tampa Joe) has a job they have to go to. What the World really wants to know is about the real me and just why I’m so awesome. ...

My bi-yearly McDonald’s coupons came today. They were waiting for me when I got home, so I grabbed them, pushed past my wife and ran into the bathroom where I tore into them like an eager child on Christmas morn'. See, what I do is go to McDonald’s and get the two-can-dine deal. Do two dine? No. Just me. I go to a McDonald’s location where I won’t see anyone whose opinion I value. I order a Big Mac meal with an ice tea, then give a thoughtful pause and proceed to order a Quarter Pounder meal with a Diet Coke (I figure the two vastly different beverage choices will throw the counter person off my trail; if I feel they’re not buying it, I lean in and deliver a, “Ya know, the wife likes the Diet Coke” and this seals the deal). I conclude by throwing them the two-can-dine coupon as though my financials don’t really demand that I use it, moreso that I’m a considerate consumer who wants to support their marketing campaign. I then take both the meals and waddle rapidly towards the car. ...

So it’s my first day back to work this morning since Dec. 19th. Oh what a glorious day that was. I had my second “on the house” Christmas lunch at work and Carolan, Barnea and New Year’s Eve parties to look forward to. I didn’t have any Christmas shopping started, but did have a few solid empty days in which to do it. I knew that until this day, I would drive no further than St. Catharines, and by the hammer of Thor I’ve kept that promise. ...

Went to No Frills today and ran into good old Dan Zammit. Near the pork loins, we discussed life, love and shared our favourite cookie recipes. He promised to come over later tonight to do my hair, but I gotta figure he was lying because it’s just me, some sinus pain and the dogs. Picked up some veggie burgers at M&M’s. No, I’m not a vegetarian and no, I don’t like guys. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course, that’s what Jeff said when he kissed Scott, so I should look for a better argument. Anyway, seemed like the longer I barbecued the burgers, the more like dead monkey scrote they looked. Barnhardt-sized portions of ketchup and mayonnaise couldn’t make them enjoyable. So I grabbed the Heavenly Hash fudge I got in my stocking and went at it like a lion on a gazelle. Then I felt better. ...

Woke to find that I’m now smack dab in the middle of a terrific illness. Throat, sinus, head. Yep, as good as it gets. To celebrate, I did nothing. Visited the monster horse briefly this afternoon and did some shopping with Kat. Came home and she whipped me up some Buffalo fingers which sadly contain no Buffalo and no fingers. They do, however, provide an extremely efficient delivery method for unhealthy amounts of blue cheese, so I approve. ...

Woke this morning to hearing my cell phone ringing at 7 am. Two calls from a 516 number. No message. Don’t know who you are, but thanks for almost ruining my slumber. I hope when I didn’t answer you ran outside and stepped in front of a school bus. The result? Your body was almost unrecognizable. When the sobbing kids ran from the bus, one of them slipped on your body fluids and landed square on your nards. Then he laughed. Then he threw up. Then he took your wallet and rode his bike to Zellers where he had to buy his Mom some tampons and microwave popcorn. ...

New furnace install was completed today. The guys left about 11:30 am. Around Noon I heard a sound coming from the basement. Went down and the furnace told me to come closer, so I did. All of a sudden it manipulated it’s ducty appendages and bent me over with little effort. It then, well, violated me. I was beginning to feel like I was getting it up the ass, so I suppose it was fitting that I finally, literally, did. Wasn’t all bad. The furnace gave me a courtesy reach around about halfway through and at the end I was handed a small bundle of chocolates bound with ribbon. What colour ribbon? Red. I know, I know. I was speechless. ...