This, the fifteenth of January on the 2008th year of modern days began early in the village of Fort Erie. I woketh at 4:30. Took a showereth. I plowed down a small tub of heavily-sauced macaroni salad in the car. I drove 20 minutes to the gas station where I quietly polished off that tub and disposed of the container in the garbage. No one will know my delicious secret but you. Please don’t tell anyone. Doc says I’m supposed to be limiting my mayonnaise intake. Doc also says that thing on my back is a “serious concern” though I’m pretty sure it’s just a bit of Crispy Crunch. You know I like the Crispy Crunch. Used to be my favourite until Skor came along. Where did you come from, Skor and where were you when I needed you most? Off practicing your badminton skills, huh? Well where the heck did that get you? Exactly nowhere if I’m not mistaken. But cheer up. You can still lay hardwood with the best of ’em.

Got to work shortly before 7. Caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wow, did I ever look like I took a nasty spill down a flight of stairs. Disheveled to the extreme. No big deal, but when I realized shortly thereafter that I had also put on blue socks with black pants and black shoes, well, I was devastated. I took a trip down to the public shitter where I sat and listened to terrifying noises from the worst humans society has to offer. That cheered me up. I mean, it really sounds like these people are ridding their bodies of crucial organs in a painful frenzy of shrieks and moans. But good luck to them and I thank them for donating their kids’ college money to pay my salary.

Came home and Kat said the dog saw a mouse in the basement. We sicked the cat on it, but she came up empty. Kat then thought she should check on the hamsters. Well, guess what? The cage was broken and one had escaped. Good lord kitty, stand down! Tossed the kitty outta the way and went under the basement stairs. Found the little fella washing up behind a cardboard box. Reached down to pick her up and she unleashed her claws of fury on me. I lobbed her to Kat and called it a success. As I walked away, the kitty was clearly upset that I’d called off the hunt and she cried out to me, “Let’s see what you got!” I threw a boot at her and came upstairs to make dinner. That was about an hour ago. I gotta assume she’s trapped between the boot and the furnace, which in all likelihood explains what I’m now smelling. Daddy’s sorry.