Posts

Woke up 38 times last night to pee in the dark. Thought at one point that I may’ve overflowed the friggin’ toilet as we employ the Girdlestonian method of not flushing throughout the night. I know for sure that 50% of one of those pees missed the bowl entirely as the reassuring sound of splashing water cut out and only returned when I made a quick adjustment to the left. I’m on some prednisone to try to combat this hilarious 8-month cold/asthma/allergies/morbid obesity situation and evidently the fact that it’s a steroid has ramped up my hardcore pissing action. I’d also like to confirm that it’s ramped up my eating as it’s supposed to do, but I really already had the pedal to the metal on that front going into this. ...

This one goes out to my sweet, dear friend Joe Carolan. Dear, generous friend Joe. Joe “steroids are working for me” Carolan. Good ol’ Joey “tiny enough to fit in a hamster’s ass” Carolan. I went down to visit Joe in February 2008. You all remember the extensive photo collection from that visit. You don’t? Are you an asshole? It’s right here. Anyway, on the way back to his place from the airport we stopped off for some extremely affordable whiskey. We had some drinks, then went out to some club deal. Drank there. Goofed around. Got Taco Bell. Went back to his place. Goofed around some more, watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force well into the night. ...

Watched the UFC event from last night. Yikes, was that horrible! I haven’t seen anything that lackluster since I dared to watch Pat’s “Blue’s Brothers” DVD… Can ya tell I’m still upset about Pat’s “where’s my wedding pictures, dick head” comment? Well I am. I’m petty. I’m petty and I’m sensitive. Be careful with me. I’m sensitive and I’d like to stay that way. Truth be told, I haven’t watched that DVD. I put it in the computer just long enough to grab the frame that’s posted up there. For all I know it’s terrific. For all I know Pat is hugely talented. For all I know Pat turns into Jesus at one point. I’m just gonna say that he seems to be singing to people who have recently finished stuffing their faces at the cruise buffet and whenever I’m full to the brim with salty, greasy food the last thing I wanna do is move. So what I’m getting at is that I’m pretty sure they wanna get away from this performance, but they can’t get away from this performance. ...

Ya know, it’s really too bad that neither my mind nor body reacted quickly enough to use my Blackberry to take a picture of this WHORE I saw today. I was driving through an area of Niagara Falls that was undergoing construction and the road was torn up. I had to move slowly and at one point was coming to a stop to wait for a dump truck. As I slowed down, I looked to the right and saw a teen aged WHORE walking down the sidewalk and approaching the road about to cross. She walked in such a way that her legs did almost 180 degree rotations with each step, which struck me as odd but I couldn’t look away. I think this means Mommy fed her engine oil instead of breast milk. I can only imagine her cunny-juice-stained underoos were being punished like the front grill of a Lincoln in a car wash. Except rather than it smelling like soap and wax, it just smelled like underage, overused cunny. ...

My son’s into watching Curious George and Elmo videos, so I’m always searching online for new ones to download. In these videos, as filler, sometimes they’ll cut to video montages of a deaf boy signing a message of love or a retarded boy putting a dog into a box full of glue or an extremely foreign toddler assembling his very first dead man’s switch. I’ve taken it upon myself to remove these sections as they upset my boy. He’s looking for the star of the show, not this bullshit. For good measure, I’ve also removed any dark-skinned people or references to God. It was no trouble whatsoever. ...

Woke this morning at a respectable hour and made some breakfast for my boy. He didn’t want any part of it and he wandered into the living room to play. I sat at the dining room table and halfheartedly said, “Come on. You’ve gotta eat something. Have your bacon or some toast,” but truth be told I was in the process of eating both for him when I said it. To hear him reply, “No!” allowed me to sigh in bacon-drowned relief and I proceeded to send my malnourished son off to the sitter and drove on to work, stopping for a cream cheesy bagel delight on the way. I should likely not live to see Christmas. ...

I’m a big stinky pussy and most of you know that. When I was young, I remember that we’d often go over to our neighbour’s place to hang out. She had a well beside the house with a grate over it. On the grass around it, there’d always be a surplus of snakes. Finding small black snakes in this area was like finding stretch marks on Spoar’s back, saffron-coloured pus on Joe Carolan’s dick or an abundance of pubes on Dan Zammit’s bathroom floor – it was a sure thing. ...

Yeah, it’s 10 o’clock, 10 minutes and 10 seconds on the 10th day of the 10th month of the year 2010. What does it mean? Well, much like my doctor’s advice to lay off the Pop Tarts, it doesn’t mean shit. It’s been over a year since my last post and way too long for y’all to be without me. For that, I’m sorry. How am I making it up to you? By being extremely disappointing! I ain’t giving you that second epic video you’d hoped for. I know you wanted to see a montage of shocking hidden cam footage of Adam Girdlestone boning three whores or Mrs. Carolan in the shibby shack or even Shaun Carolan actually working all set to the theme from Dukes of Hazzard, but it just didn’t pan out. I’ve talked to some experts and those three things are just never going to happen. ...

At work on the counter next to the pizza stand is a display of spices for your choosing. I regularly partake in several of them, despite not really knowing their proper title. There are two toppings that I always skip… I was at the food area the other day, ordering up a delicious bowl of tomato rice soup, one of their better soup offerings. I looked down the counter to the end where the pizza slices are served up. I saw a pony-tailed man receiving a slice from the server. He turned to the topping display and I saw the son of a bitch’s eyes light up like he’d just seen his first cooter. As he lifted the bottle I was in shock. He was thrilled about putting olive oil on his pizza. ...

Driving to the babysitter’s this morning I felt an itch on my left leg. I went to scratch it and felt an obvious bump between my pants and leg meat. I kinda freaked out and started mashing at the mound to kill whatever was trying to impregnate my flesh with it’s devil seed. Being less careful than I should have to not ditch the car and kill myself and my beautiful child, I continued to pound my pants and work the mound down and out the bottom. ...