Journal

The title of this post just reflects the fact that I now weigh 242 pounds. I haven’t been this out of shape ridiculously obese since 2001. My breathing is now clearly audible at all hours of the day. My neck and chins have become one bag-of-mashed-potato-looking mess. I’m so achy in body and mind that it officially hurts to dream. In unrelated news, Joe Carolan can now lift a dumpster full of 8 dead whores over his head and there’s a good chance they died from excessive orgasms received 10 minutes earlier while he was fucking them simultaneously. You win Joe. I never thought you had it in you. ...

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you, the Nuggetoid sandwich. The history books show that between 1988 and 1991 the Zammit boys consumed 11,662 of these things. Now, the picture I took to the right is not your garden variety Nuggetoid. I didn’t have any sliced cheese so had to cut up some chunks from a cheddar brick. I also didn’t have any plain waffles, so had to use blueberry. I suppose this would be the Nuggetoid Deluxe. ...

Rectified some whining I did in an earlier post and got some new lenses put into these fucking frames. Now 5 minutes after I walk into any building out of the sun I’ll no longer look like a gap-toothed pedophile with moderately tinted glasses, I’ll just look like a gap-toothed fatass with a freshly bloodied goatee pimple scab, strange unkempt hair and an odour that suggests that I probably haven’t washed my pants in 10 days, possibly microwaved some bacon for breakfast and certainly unloaded thirty-some-odd farts on my drive in. A marked improvement for sure. ...

Heard this afternoon that Joe’s dog Sonja passed away. Pic above is of a 2003 Sonja, trying to wrap her head around the strange costumes at Joe’s Halloween party. Here she was during my trip down to Florida in 2008: Hard to guess how Joe’s feeling right now. Gotta figure he’s pretty upset. Not a “me level” of upset, mind you. I don’t handle death well. If it were me I’d be curled up in the back of my garage, drowning in a sea of tears (the drowning part isn’t that difficult as I think one time I almost drowned while pouring vinegar onto my fries). A “Joe level” of upset could be sitting naked in front of the TV in a dimly lit room watching re-runs of Punky Brewster and repeatedly flicking the tip of his flaccid dick. I dunno. ...

Basically slept this week away. Oh, I went to work, but I was a cunt hair away from nodding off the entire time. Please don’t tell anyone. Highlights of this week included eating enough Halloween candy to fill up 38 NBA basketballs, pulling what appeared to be the pube of a Middle Easterner out of my keyboard (I am not a Middle Easterner) and eating a delicious halibut burrito. That followup burrito happened yesterday when generous co-workers made a ‘rito run. It was so good that it erased the terrible memory of the cilantro burrito from the last post. I swear, I hate cilantro so much that if I ran into it on the street I’d push it down and rape it. Rape it with my misshapen and oddly proportioned wang which, ironically enough, kinda smells like cilantro. ...

Was running late heading into work today, so figured why be 3 hours late when I can be 4? So I stopped at Canadian Tire where I saw a ritzy dude feeling up tires, two black gentleman hanging out with a white gentleman and an old dude giving me the skunk eye in the tool area. Good times. From there I headed on up to Mississauga and stopped at a burrito place for lunch. Hadn’t been there before. Upon walking in I was greeted with a long line up and some kickin’ bass from dance music pumping into the restaurant – both good signs. I ordered my burrito (large, chicken, to go) and picked up a canned bevvy to go with. I figured I had some time to kill before I’d be asked to customize my burrito, so I headed to the washroom. ...

Got these eyeglasses about 5 years ago and they fucked them up by adding that Transitions shit. You know, the feature where the lenses tint automatically when you go outside and untint when you come in? TV commercials show it taking seconds but the reality is that I can walk across the Woodbine parking lot, get up to the 4th floor and be in the washroom wiping the cream cheese off my shirt collar and they’re still about 8% tinted. ...

Pet Smart seems to be having trouble with their stock of Eukanuba dog food. I needed lamb & rice wet dog food and I needed it real bad. St. Catharines store let me down. Would that ruin an otherwise spectacular Monday? Well, pretty much, yes. Walked into the St. Catharines pet store and was greeted by an attractive early 20’s girl’s, ‘Hello,’ which I was in absolutely no mood for. Grunted something in return and headed on past. Got to the isle of Eukanuba and saw yellow signs posted everywhere. I started to read one, ‘We are experiencing shortages of some of your favourite Eukanuba dog foods…’ and then I lost interest. Continued on my way feeling almost 100% certain that the sign’s message would not have any bearing on my need to purchase some of my favourite Eukanuba dog food. ...

Woke up 38 times last night to pee in the dark. Thought at one point that I may’ve overflowed the friggin’ toilet as we employ the Girdlestonian method of not flushing throughout the night. I know for sure that 50% of one of those pees missed the bowl entirely as the reassuring sound of splashing water cut out and only returned when I made a quick adjustment to the left. I’m on some prednisone to try to combat this hilarious 8-month cold/asthma/allergies/morbid obesity situation and evidently the fact that it’s a steroid has ramped up my hardcore pissing action. I’d also like to confirm that it’s ramped up my eating as it’s supposed to do, but I really already had the pedal to the metal on that front going into this. ...

This one goes out to my sweet, dear friend Joe Carolan. Dear, generous friend Joe. Joe “steroids are working for me” Carolan. Good ol’ Joey “tiny enough to fit in a hamster’s ass” Carolan. I went down to visit Joe in February 2008. You all remember the extensive photo collection from that visit. You don’t? Are you an asshole? It’s right here. Anyway, on the way back to his place from the airport we stopped off for some extremely affordable whiskey. We had some drinks, then went out to some club deal. Drank there. Goofed around. Got Taco Bell. Went back to his place. Goofed around some more, watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force well into the night. ...