The title of this post just reflects the fact that I now weigh 242 pounds. I haven’t been this out of shape ridiculously obese since 2001. My breathing is now clearly audible at all hours of the day. My neck and chins have become one bag-of-mashed-potato-looking mess. I’m so achy in body and mind that it officially hurts to dream. In unrelated news, Joe Carolan can now lift a dumpster full of 8 dead whores over his head and there’s a good chance they died from excessive orgasms received 10 minutes earlier while he was fucking them simultaneously. You win Joe. I never thought you had it in you.
The other day I stopped at a dollar store near work. I purchased a phone cord and luggage strap, two very important items that are often purchased together by smalltown nerds and serial rapists. As I arrived at the checkout counter, I saw that the young dude working there was of middle Eastern descent and he was busy clipping his fingernails. He knew he had a customer to tend to, but needed to finish what he was doing. After a short while, he turned and came to my side of the counter. His body stopped just in front of the cash register, but tragically his body stink continued on and slapped me right in the face. I could only think that perhaps his finger nails were the least of his concerns and maybe he should check out aisle 3 for some budget deodorant, but then I realized that I was fat and fat people’s opinions don’t matter.
Last week we went to a hotel in the Falls with a waterpark. You go ahead and figure out which one. It really doesn’t matter. I decided to act like a man and go shirtless in the water area. Since I have no interest in picking up ladies, I’m no longer concerned about the sheer volume of gut that flows over my waistline. On the other hand, my back pimples and underarm stretchmarks were certainly on the hunt for some strange.
I saw my fair share of fatties and fair share of hotties. Best moment involved an, oh, for legal purposes let’s say 18-year-old hottie. They have this large bucket of water that regularly dumps it’s load onto usually unsuspecting patrons. We were sitting at a table near this bucket area, but out of the reach of it’s watery grasp. The aforementioned hottie wandered over and the bucket unleashed. The whore’s bikini bottom almost fell completely off and we got a terrific glimpse of her ass. I think I was in shock and probably had my mouth hanging open. Awesome thing was that the girl was such a dummy that 5 minutes later she was back and not even holding her bottoms when the water hit her and again revealed her tanned, firm buttocks. I remained cool for the encore performance in that I’m sure I kept my mouth closed, but I believe for the next 15 minutes Kat had to hammer down my modest yet fierce boner with a rolled up newspaper.