Was running late heading into work today, so figured why be 3 hours late when I can be 4? So I stopped at Canadian Tire where I saw a ritzy dude feeling up tires, two black gentleman hanging out with a white gentleman and an old dude giving me the skunk eye in the tool area. Good times.
From there I headed on up to Mississauga and stopped at a burrito place for lunch. Hadn’t been there before. Upon walking in I was greeted with a long line up and some kickin’ bass from dance music pumping into the restaurant – both good signs. I ordered my burrito (large, chicken, to go) and picked up a canned bevvy to go with. I figured I had some time to kill before I’d be asked to customize my burrito, so I headed to the washroom.
While peeing, I caught something out of the corner of my eye moving across the floor. Looked down and it was just a piece of lint. The lint was shaped like a small scorpion and I thought how neat it would be if they stocked the shitter with scorpions to give the place an authentic Mexican feel. I went on to think how I’d probably chase the scorpion around the room with a stream of tepid Barnhardt pee and eventually kick it into the wall and then stomp it. In reality, we all know I would’ve just passed out from fear and the thing would have repeatedly stung me in the genitals.
Went back out and a few minutes later they called my number.
“Do you want everything on it?” the hot blonde latino girl asked. She was about 5'5", maybe 110 pounds. She had tits comparable in size to mine, but she managed to present them in a slightly more sexy fashion. Her’s peaked out from the plunging neckline of a skin-tight white T and mine pointed awkwardly from beneath a dark grey 10 dollar golf shirt that had never seen a minute’s play of golf but had barely escaped several driplets of spaghetti sauce.
“Uh, yeah. Everything except jalapeno peppers,” I said, basically admitting I liked guys.
“Even hot sauce?” she said.
“Is it real hot?” I said.
“Oh yeah,” said a plain old white girl from behind her.
“Then I’ll pass.”
“Good call,” Suzie the plain whitey said.
So the latino with the hamster tits made my burrito as everyone else stared down her top, but I tried not to. She handed it off to a dude who grilled it a bit and then I was given it about 10 minutes later. I drove off to enjoy the burrito and beverage at Woodbine.
It’s all downhill from there. The burrito had cilantro on it, which basically ruined it. The beverage was lousy. I’d chosen some kind of imported mango nectar, which tasted only slightly better than Ryan Spoar’s bathwater. And yes, I have tasted Ryan Spoar’s bathwater, both on his good days and his bad. So next time I’ll order the burrito with some modifications. I’ll order a Dr. Pepper instead of the mango swill. I’ll tell the girl I no longer suck cock and would like a generous helping of hot sauce. I’m sure that will win her over. And if it doesn’t, we can always compare stories about our tiny tits.