So I’m growing a beard. Seemed like something to do. Going okay, ‘cept I look homeless now. Just wanna keep it long enough to see if it fills in the contours of my neck-chins enough to mask that horror. I’ll get back to you in 2 months.
I hate you. But you’re in luck, because I hate myself just a little bit more. Otherwise, why would I share this embarrassment… This is a frame from my sophomore acting performance in an OAC French class presentation entitled Mes Derniere 24 Heures (My Last 24 Hours). I’ve probably spelled that wrong or left out some accents because on the long list of things I don’t care about anymore, French is #47. ...
A very much loved member of our family passed away last night. Dodger was with us for 10 years and we feel like an important part of our lives is now gone. He was always up for a good time and loved hanging out on the couch with his sisters. You will be missed but never forgotten, Dodgie.
12:49 am – Drag my fat ass up to bed after watching Family Guy “It’s a Trap” SW Episode III parody and Robot Chicken’s SW Episode III parody. Dodger the dog has some ailments currently, so I carry him down the stairs, let him outside for a pee, then carry him back up the stairs. I go to bed. 12:55 am – I’m starting to doze off and the wife rocks the bed to get me to stop snoring. I’m pretty sure I didn’t actually emit a snore, only a slightly noisy breath, so I elbow the wife, sigh, and turn over. ...
I went to Country Time to buy 3 dozen donuts the other day. Yes, 3 dozen. No, not all for me. Walked in to a location on my way in to work. Only a couple of customers sitting down and I approached the counter to survey the donut situation. A quick glance told me that the pickin’s were slim so figured I’d have to reduce my order. I had roughly counted that there were 13-14 donuts available when a female Asian employee came out from a back room. ...
Dave and Crystal Pester, this one’s for you. When I saw you today, yes, I called your son Cooper. Actually, it’s even worse as I shortened it to Coop, and said it as though we were close enough to do so. I know now, after speaking to my wife, that your son’s name is, in fact, Conner (Connar? Conor? Connerrr?). I’m sure that adding 3) Doesn’t know our son’s name down just below 1) Fat and 2) Not funny on your ‘Reasons to Hate Dave’ list that you’ve probably completely written me off as a viable friend. I deserve it. ...
My son now randomly wakes up at 4:30 am. He wants milk and I give it to him. Then he sometimes doesn’t go back to sleep. That’s fun. Today was one of those fun days. I’ve been up for over 18 hours. That’s not fair. I need a donut. Humourously enough, 4:30 am is the time this jackhole and his jackhole friend Jeff used to roll back into Fort Erie on cool Summer mornings as evidenced by this photo from 2004. ...
I woke up this morning and heard my capable wife taking sufficient care of a turbulent toddler morning. I snoozed. For 35 minutes. It was terrific. I’m a wonderful man. Headed for the shower, still in a sleepy daze because fat people with questionable lung function don’t sleep well. Washed my hair, scrubbed the rest of my flabby caucasian acreage, washed my face, then stopped. I looked at the tiled wall, cocked my head and looked at the shelf containing my shower fluids and back at the tile. I couldn’t for the life of me remember if I’d already washed myself. I mean, it’s a disgusting task that you’d think would scar a man’s mind enough to make an impression, but I wasn’t sure. I sniffed my arm, but couldn’t detect a scent of Ivory Aloe body wash. There may’ve been a faint turkey gravy odour, but I’ve scrubbed for years and it ain’t coming off. Will these hands ne’er be clean?! (That’s a line from MacBeth, you uneducated muggles). I proceeded to examine the body wash scrungie and saw sudsy remnants. Ah ha. Conclusive. I already washed! Dirty deed done, I got the hell outta there. Even I can’t stand the sight of myself. ...
I was thinking recently about that movie that came out a few years back called “Teeth.” That’s the poster for it there to the right. Haven’t seen the movie, but I know it’s about a girl who has teeth in her bagina (vagina). Guess it helps her out of a rape or two. In a related story, Dan Zammit’s asshole has eyelashes. They serve no actual function and certainly the 38 rapes he’s been subject to would indicate that. I heard he uses Define-A-Lash® Washable Lengthening Mascara by Maybelline. People often wonder if maybe he was born with it or maybe it’s Maybelline. Yeah, well, the asslashes… he was born with ’em. ...
Dear Facebook friends, Hi. Long time no see. Know why? Because I don’t care about you enough to call or keep in touch. How much do I care about you? Enough to type your last name into a Facebook search while using my wife’s netbook on the shitter. Oh, you wanna “friend” me? Great. Are we friends, because I think back in grade school you stole my Hulk Hogan stretch action figure or rubbed your sticky popsicle fingers all over my Mom’s sectional sofa. You think I forget that shit? Nope. I don’t. I remember that shit. I remember it a lot. ...