Journal

Got a call around 8 pm from Jeff. He screamed something about free popcorn and the Holocaust and then slammed down the phone. I thought I should head over. When I got there I saw Jeff, a grown man, dressed as a poplar tree (with a modest-sized cut-out through which his naked wang protruded) running around his front yard. He was sweating profusely and throwing dead batteries at kids who rode by on bikes. I rushed over and grabbed the Easter basket full of AAA’s from his hand. He got angry and called me a “fuck cloud” which struck me as neither an insult nor a compliment. I knocked him over the head with my shoe and rolled him into his fish pond to cool off. ...

Sorry, here’s the FINAL “build” of Joe’s action figures… The finishing touches: My glasses, laptop and Aaron Zammit (second from the left). He’s the youngest and, yes, my favourite of all the Zammits. Why? He ALWAYS smells like cinnamon. I’m off to bed. Busy week so far highlighted by the winning of a free play on a Lotto 649 ticket. Thanks go out to the Asian woman who screamed “FREE PLAY!!” after processing that ticket through the blue Lotto box. You made my week, lady. ...

Back in ‘95 I would piss and moan about how Joe “The Dream” Carolan was no longer in high school and I was. While I had to drag my obese ass in every damn morning to that loathsome shithole, Joe would spend his day whistling a gay old tune and kicking a Sprite can around Crescent Park. It didn’t seem fair, but I somehow was able to suck it up and put it all behind me. ...

I gave the finger to an old lady today. We had to make a trek to Welland this afternoon. We were a bit early for our appointment so decided to stop at Tim Horton’s in a strip mall parking lot. After coming out of the drive-thru, I made a left turn across an exit route and saw a Buick coming my way. I noticed the driver slow down so as not to T-bone me and I raised my left hand as if to say, “Sorry for the bother and I appreciate you not killing me and my family.” Her response? She slowly shook her head from side to side in disapproval and gave me a shit-faced frown. My reaction? A gentle open left hand quickly became the middle finger. I flipped her off and giggled demonstrably as I did it. I took great satisfaction in it which is why most consider me a terrible human being. ...

So we had a nurse at the hospital who was a wicked cunt and it didn’t occur to me until a day or two ago that she looked like a female version of Sloth from The Goonies. One of this whore’s eyes clearly was lower than the other and it didn’t have the energy to open all the way, much like this bitch didn’t have the energy to not be a worthless prick. Though I must say when she inserted 4 fingers into my wife, she was a true gentleman. ...

A quick couple photos of Baby Barnhardt (name to be revealed to the press soon!). Just ran home for a sec and am heading back to Welland. Why? Because I want to see if an out-of-shape fat guy with glasses who’s been awake for almost 21 hours can drive into a light standard. My money’s on light standard!!

After a long day, the newest Barnhardt finally arrived. He entered this world kicking and screaming via C-section at 8:28 PM. He weighed in at 8 lbs 2 oz and all tests show he already is better than you in math and karate. Deal with that! Mom is fine, though damn sore. Dad is also fine, though no one cares and won’t for some years to come. Baby is so far quiet and in all ways awesome. He remains nameless for tonight. That is all. God bless us, everyone. ...

Progress has slowed, but Kat’s still smiling. They say if things don’t pick up in the next couple of hours they may have to do a C section. Think the justification is that, according to the doctor’s notes, there’s a 40% that the fetus is “the size of a fuckin’ Subaru.” Cool.

Well, contractions were getting brutal so epidural went in about 30 minutes ago. Last I checked Kat was smiling, which is a marked improvement from an hour ago when she was frowning at me and calling me a worthless shithead.

Kat’s water broke about 45 minutes ago, so this shit’s goin’ down. Probably no posts for a little while, unless I want to go straight to hell.