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Here are some hilarious status updates I would’ve been posting if I were still on Facebook… Dave Barnhardt just finished masturbating into a shirt and is heading for bed. Cheers, Haines. Dave Barnhardt slowed down to give a man and his wife the finger on the way in to work today, but doesn’t think they saw it. Sorry, East Indian family in the rusty minivan ahead of those guys. Dave Barnhardt had sex with a 23-year-old blonde, 28-year-old redhead and a 19-year-old brunette, then woke up and had sex with a take-out menu from The Barrel. ...

Youngling was awake from 1 am to 3 am last night, so I was as well. He was alternating between trying to lay down on the floor next to Kat, turning on and off the hall lights and locking himself in the linen closet. In the olden days we didn’t have a linen closet and he used to lock himself in the oven. Some times we’d go days without seeing him and then I’d begin prepping a tasty tuna casserole and oops… there’s Holden. Peekaboo, you manic no-sleep needing juggernaut. ...

Woke at 7:45 as I do most mornings. Snoozed until 8. Decided to have a shower before the youngling surfaced. Stared at that ugly shower shelf for a while. Damn that thing’s ugly. After I carelessly remove the rubs-my-thigh-while-I-shit ill-placed terlet paper hanger, I’m coming for you shower shelf. Got dressed and awoke the offspring. He was in a good mood so we left in good time. Before we left I created a masterpiece of crockpot goodness called Tex-Mex Slow Cooker Chicken. Set it for 8 hours as the recipe said and got the hell outta the house. Looked forward to it smelling like a candlelit Mexican villa when I returned. I leave the house each day hoping I’ll return to that smell. Perhaps tonight will be that night, I thought. ...

Yep, this is a half-assed post. I’m only using half of my ass. Which half? The slightly less pimply half. You know, the half with a little bit of taco meat on it. The half with the birthmark that looks like the bitch at Canadian Tire who ignored me when I said “Excuse me” and then went home where her husband Ned beat the shit out of her for not restocking the pantry with toilet paper. That half. ...

The only thing I’ve learned about my new neighbourhood is that the Asian people nearby don’t respect boundaries and they love fire. Day 4 of being in the house and the 90-year-old matriarch of the nameless Asian family across the road took a shortcut across my property to pick up her young granddaughter at the bus stop near the end of my driveway. Seemed like a harmless enough venture, so I convinced myself to not turn the hose on her. ...

I’m in my new home. Lots of work to do. Hardly anything put away. Boxes everywhere. No internet. Stealing from a neighbour. Will post again when I return to work Monday and my shitty attitude returns.

Quick story about this one day a few weeks back. It was getting late and I’d just arrived back at the house. My unremarkable erection and I had been spending a few hours at the local supermarket trying to lure a 17-year-old cashier into my car. With the promise of killer weed I actually got her outside. At that point I revealed that there was no weed. She was visibly upset so I consoled her by directing her attention to the misplaced dick hole I’d made in my sweatpants. You see, it was 3 inches too low and the only thing visible was some upper thigh stretch marks and the tip of a single pube. Probably best that she ran away just then because I was about to unzip my red satin hoody to reveal the homemade ‘PUT YOUR SHITTER ON MY SPITTER’ mesh tank top that hid beneath. It probably would’ve sealed the deal, but we’ll never know and by never I mean next Wednesday when I’ll give it another shot. ...

Off to sleep I headed last night at around 8:30. Because you’ve become a responsible adult? you ask. Nope. Headache. Sleepy. Done, man. Just done. You see, I’m off my meds, which means my thyroid is on it’s own. You ain’t gonna help me? asks my thyroid. No, thyroid. When have you done anything for me? When I had a flat bike tire that time I saw you drive right on by and pretend you didn’t see me. In fact, as I was waiting for my Mom to pick me up and I shit my pants I’m pretty sure you had something to do with it. So, no. No meds for you. What’s that? You’re gonna ensure I’m sleepy and energy-free for the rest of my days? Joke’s on you, shithead. I’ve got 2-3 years left at best. Go fuck my thalamus in the amoeba-hole. ...

So our house has officially sold as of today and not a moment too soon. We get the new house in less than a month. New house is a lot bigger and has a pool, which means I should be discovered by unconcerned neighbours floating face down in said pool in the early days of July. Shaun Carolan does a terrific impression of Dave Barnhardt dead in a pool. Ask him to do it, if you can find him. Last I heard he was evading creditors by dressing up as a pile of shit and hiding in Dan Zammit’s backyard next to Dan’s actual backyard pile of shit. It’s hard to tell them apart, but here’s a hint: the actual pile of shit has better career prospects. ...

So as the Fort Erie gossip trees have been telling you by means of their oft-dropped whisper leaves into the sunroof of your ‘84 Jeep, Kat and I are moving soon. Closer to Toronto, you ask, with an air of logic and reason. FUCK NO! This site ain’t called TorontoDave, is it?! And it never will be. In fact, just because you even let that thought cross your mind, I’m gonna make sure we move FURTHER away from Toronto next time. Manitoba. We’re moving to Manitoba next time. It’s lovely there this time of year. ...