Here are some hilarious status updates I would’ve been posting if I were still on Facebook…
Dave Barnhardt just finished masturbating into a shirt and is heading for bed. Cheers, Haines.
Dave Barnhardt slowed down to give a man and his wife the finger on the way in to work today, but doesn’t think they saw it. Sorry, East Indian family in the rusty minivan ahead of those guys.
Dave Barnhardt had sex with a 23-year-old blonde, 28-year-old redhead and a 19-year-old brunette, then woke up and had sex with a take-out menu from The Barrel.
Katrina Barnhardt is sick of spending bedtime listening to her husband snore, fart, sniffle and work out leg, back and thigh cramps caused by said husband’s excessive tubbiness. Can’t he fuckin’ die already?!
Dave Barnhardt took the 403 to work because someone died on the QEW and it messed up traffic real bad.
Dave Barnhardt needs some pointers on getting baconnaise out of 1… 2… 3 shirt collars.
Dave Barnhardt is beginning to suspect his son hates him because his son told him, “I hate you, Dad.”
Dave Barnhardt likes BLT’s right before bed. Yummmm!
Dave Barnhardt Hooray, the sun is out. I love Wednesdays!
Dave Barnhardt Oh, God. Why am I back on Facebook. I hate all you people. Just kidding! LOL
So to sum up, you’re not missing a damn thing.