Woke at 7:45 as I do most mornings. Snoozed until 8. Decided to have a shower before the youngling surfaced. Stared at that ugly shower shelf for a while. Damn that thing’s ugly. After I carelessly remove the rubs-my-thigh-while-I-shit ill-placed terlet paper hanger, I’m coming for you shower shelf.

Got dressed and awoke the offspring. He was in a good mood so we left in good time. Before we left I created a masterpiece of crockpot goodness called Tex-Mex Slow Cooker Chicken. Set it for 8 hours as the recipe said and got the hell outta the house. Looked forward to it smelling like a candlelit Mexican villa when I returned. I leave the house each day hoping I’ll return to that smell. Perhaps tonight will be that night, I thought.

Arrived at work my customary 1 1/2 hours late. The place was abuzz with activity. I pushed my way past active coworkers and plunked my fat buttocks down into my chair, hoping no one would come along to disturb me. I had one hour left until a free lunch I was offered. I can’t remember the last time I turned down a free meal, even if I’d just eaten. In this way, I’m like the mighty antelope. Well, assuming the mighty antelope also wipes it’s boogers under it’s car seat, then there’s actually two ways I’m like the mighty antelope.

Had my free lunch which consisted of a roast beef sandwich on a fancy bun, some iced tea and a Barnhardt-sized brownie. Later in the afternoon I would find a small dot of brownie on my shirt. I must assume it was from my lunch brownie for it has been at least a fortnight since my previous brownie.

Did work-type stuff all afternoon. You know, the nerdy kind of technical work-type stuff that would make a Carolan’s head hurt and would be completed by a Zammit half as well for a third the money. Incidentally, Joe of the Carolan variety texted me a picture of his new lady friend. She’s hot, but will it last? As long as there’s room behind his 13-inch wang to hide his He-Man toy collection, he should be just fine.

As the 9-to-5’ers started to vacate the premises I heard on the radio that the QEW Niagara bound was closed at the 403. Hmm. Terrific. And they said it would only take 5 or 6 hours to open again. Wonderful. So I carried on and waited to hear an update…

… and when the update as of 8 pm was that it was still closed, I figured I’d head out.

Stopped at Walmart in Toronto to kill some time. On my way out I had to use the restroom. There was an off-white dude washing his hands as I nestled up to the urinal. I’m pee-shy at the best of times, but when he activated the hand dryer and the jet engine sounding air stream blasted out, my urine ducked behind a corner, far too frightened to leave the cozy warmth of my tubby bladder. After he left, everything was groovy.

Heading down the highway I heard that the QEW had opened up. Woohoo! But, there was another accident by the Ford plant. So I stopped dead there. Got past Burlington and hit construction in Grimsby. MOTHER FUCKER! So 2 1/2 hours later, I got back home. It didn’t smell like a Mexican villa and my slow cooker dinner was mediocre at best. I still ate a bunch of it, but I didn’t like it.

I just finished looking at a timely article on Canoe called Is your commute worth it? They say “If you are a busy person, perhaps committed to a family, volunteer activities and/or a lively social calendar, however, that ten hours a week may not be something you are willing to give up.” Okay, well I’m committed to my family but none of those other things. They continue, “Those that find it hard to make friends or who find it difficult to join social groups can struggle with a commute that pulls them from one world to the other each day.” I’m both those things. Interesting. And finally, “Be sure that your choice primarily represents your priorities, whether they are of economics or some other measure of the quality of life.” I don’t know what it all means and it is 2:05 in the morning, but I really think waddling downstairs and eating a Wunderbar is probably a good next move.