So our house has officially sold as of today and not a moment too soon. We get the new house in less than a month. New house is a lot bigger and has a pool, which means I should be discovered by unconcerned neighbours floating face down in said pool in the early days of July. Shaun Carolan does a terrific impression of Dave Barnhardt dead in a pool. Ask him to do it, if you can find him. Last I heard he was evading creditors by dressing up as a pile of shit and hiding in Dan Zammit’s backyard next to Dan’s actual backyard pile of shit. It’s hard to tell them apart, but here’s a hint: the actual pile of shit has better career prospects.
Looking at my diary of happenings since my last post, well, Luc Bertran now has an adorable baby daughter. He sent an email to everyone with a picture of himself and his girls. Dude looks as exhausted as me trying to lift my girth out of the bathtub and his baby’s not even 2 weeks old. I suspect next time I’m stress-eating a two-combo-meal second dinner alongside the Welland canal I’ll look to my left to find him doing the same. It’s all that’s left, Luc. Embrace it. And if you don’t mind, please pass me some napkins as I’ve once again barbecue sauced my steering wheel.
Kartek Kyle is reportedly hanging up his hat and taking some time off to de-stress. Really? Dude hasn’t stressed over shit since he was born. One time I saw him accidentally drop a hot soldering iron onto his sockless foot and he totally finished sucking me off without skipping a beat, then quietly Kleenexed his face and calmly removed the iron and went back to alternating between kicking his wife, cat and children. Philtek won’t be the same without you… and thank God for that because who needs their tires randomly falling off.