Quick story about this one day a few weeks back. It was getting late and I’d just arrived back at the house. My unremarkable erection and I had been spending a few hours at the local supermarket trying to lure a 17-year-old cashier into my car. With the promise of killer weed I actually got her outside. At that point I revealed that there was no weed. She was visibly upset so I consoled her by directing her attention to the misplaced dick hole I’d made in my sweatpants. You see, it was 3 inches too low and the only thing visible was some upper thigh stretch marks and the tip of a single pube. Probably best that she ran away just then because I was about to unzip my red satin hoody to reveal the homemade ‘PUT YOUR SHITTER ON MY SPITTER’ mesh tank top that hid beneath. It probably would’ve sealed the deal, but we’ll never know and by never I mean next Wednesday when I’ll give it another shot.
I approached our house and something caught my eye on the red brick wall to the left of the side door. I looked closely and my heart absolutely sank. It was Gerald. You probably remember him as Shitty Pete from this post. I dropped my wallet and keys onto the driveway as the shock overtook me. I didn’t think I’d ever see him again.
Gerald was a house centipede with whom I’d shared a special day about 3 1/2 years ago. Our last moments together were spent going over our hopes and dreams for the future. He told me that he always wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps and become a beautician. He was even planning to attend college, but he couldn’t afford it. He said that he was totally devastated when his OSAP application was denied. He was hopeless. Still, I felt that a little bit of positive thinking and good fortune could change his fate.
So when I returned home to see him on the outside of my house I looked forward to catching up. I quietly approached and looked close to see that he was in the midst of being face fucked by a moth. He was choking on moth dick in the most violent display of sexual activity since Ryan Spoar’s honeymoon. The moth had a look of sheer joy on it’s face, but Gerald… he did not. A shallow stream of tears flowed from the slits of his eyes which he held tightly closed. I tore through the silence with some gentle sobs of my own and it was then that he noticed me.
“David?” he asked, in his somewhat British accent, turning his head towards me and mumbling through a mouthful of moth semen.
“Gerald… Shitty. What’s going on? Where’ve you been and… why are you doing this?”
The moth took this opportunity to fly away, tossing a 5 dollar bill into Gerald’s sticky hands as he took flight.
“You changed my life that day we spent together,” Shitty explained. “I left and took to the road with a family of raccoons I met behind your back fence. They treated me like gold and I repaid them with a nightly concert of Cyndi Lauper tunes and backrubs. They taught me to laugh again. They put me on their dental plan and I was able to get my mouth sores treated. I really felt positive about life.”
“Did you make it to college?”
“I did. I graduated with a diploma in esthetics. I opened up my own parlour. Business was booming and then…”, Shitty stopped suddenly and broke down, crying hard now.
“What?”
“It was a crime of passion. That’s all. I had no idea what I was doing. I was so fucked up.”
Shitty went on to tell me how he’d taken a girl home. Her name was Linda and she was a client from the shop. They began to get intimate and then the girl blacked out. She was diabetic and had skipped dinner to roller blade through the park on their date. Well, Shitty wasn’t in his right mind due to all the mescaline he’d taken to get his confidence up. He raped that girl 19 times before she started to come to. When she realized what had happened she lost it and started trying to mash Shitty with a coffee mug. Shitty picked up a lamp and smashed her over the head, killing her instantly. In that moment, the girl’s blood pooling at the base of his 166 feet, he knew it was all over.
In the panic, Shitty thought the best course of action would be to dispose of the body so he began to eat it. He’d barely consumed one eighth of a finger when the cops arrived. He was tried for murder, convicted and sent to prison.
About a year into his sentence, he crawled out of jail. I mean, he’s a God damned centipede, not a human. He literally walked right out.
Since then he spent each day gradually making his way back to my place. Once there, he told me he’d made money here and there orally pleasuring any bug who’d take him. Most nights he’d curl up under my back deck on a pile of leaves. He didn’t sleep much anymore, Shitty told me. His head was full of the visions of what he’d done to that poor 73-year-old woman.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were back,” I asked.
“I couldn’t face you. It’s because of you that I achieved my dreams and I didn’t want you to know that I’d let it all be for nothing.”
“Shitty. Gerald… Friend. You’re a terrific guy and I forgive you for what you’ve done. I’m so happy you were able to accomplish everything you did. I know your Dad would be proud.”
He finally let a smile creep onto his face and we hugged each other. I was left feeling that everything would be okay. That Shitty was a new guy and there were still happy days ahead of him. I told him I had to get going but insisted that he stay in touch. He nodded and shook my hand.
On the way into the house, just before locking the door, I realized that I’d left a tasty chicken caesar wrap in the car and headed back out. I didn’t notice that Shitty Pete had gotten off the wall and was walking across the driveway. To say the heal of my $130 shoes came into contact with Shitty would be an understatement. His entire body disappeared completely under my right foot and by the time my 239 pounds of lard finished taking a step, he was gone. I moved my foot to see that I had ground his anus region into his face region and they were now indistinguishable from each other. I rubbed my shoe on the grass, grabbed my chicken caesar wrap and headed back into the house.
It was a tasty wrap with the perfect amount of bacon, light mayo, three cheeses, cucumbers, banana peppers, green peppers, olives, sauteed onions, sauteed mushrooms, salt and pepper. Delightful, really. I mean, sincerely, it was very, very tasty. Man… yeah… it was a good wrap.