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Sam and Kevin’s wedding was yesterday. Reception was terrific. Saw people I hadn’t seen in 15 years. Lots of great food and plenty of booze. Photo gallery coming soon. Highlights: Luc and Mike performing an awesome acoustic rendition of Lost Together Sean Ball – no man has had this good an evening without being able to open his eyes Vince the bartender – your rye and ginger’s changed my life Maria’s Catering – when you put sausage next to meatballs, I’m not gonna get excited about the sausage; when you make that sausage maple flavoured I want to have sex with your face Dan Potyok travelling the longest distance to be there and despite my line of questions about his kill count, he decides not to remove my spine and shove it up my ass ten minutes into catching up with Rob Sykes he ends our chat abruptly when he realizes he’s missing out on some killer weed in the parking lot When all was said and done it was about 2:30 in the morning and Adam G offered to drive me home. I remember getting home and getting out of the car and that’s about it. Analyzing the whereabouts of my clothing and several other items, I think I can piece together what took place. ...

About 3 months ago, in the final bitter cold onslaught of Winter, I came home to a sweet sight at the curb. The neighbours across the way had lodged a big screen TV in the snowbank where it awaited the trash man. I came into the house and pushed past my wife and child to look out the front window to gaze upon it again. Could the frosty plastic fellow be worth saving? ...

Went to the bank machine this morning to take the last precious 20 dollars from my account and I encountered an old male customer. As I queued up behind him he briefly acknowledged me then went back to working on the machine. I say ‘working on the machine’ because spending the time he was at the fucking thing he must’ve been trying to reprogram it or Google something. Perhaps directions back to his shitty apartment where his wife would nag him to fix the ceiling fan again. I glared at the back of his neck and pictured it exploding until he finished up and left a few minutes later. I did my business, ripped my crisp 20 from the machine and was on my way. ...

Woke to my child staring me in the face with a smile. I stared back at him with my usually pimply, plump, puffy and miserable mug. I think the apple fell far from the tree and then hitched a ride far, far away on the wings of a graceful butterfly with wings of Oreo delight. Drove to work with $1.30 in my wallet. How was I gonna maximize this? Turned the corner in the 1st floor corridor at work to see it was quiet in the land of the vending machines. I dove for the chocolate-covered almond dispenser and gladly parted with a loonie. I was chain swallowing the 10 or so tasty nuggets when a coworker happened upon me so I was forced to slow down to a human pace. I’m sure if he’d seen my gorging it would have ruined his opinion of me being a 4-minute mile kinda guy. ...

Today was another day of eating and fathering. I took Holden to the grocery store because Daddy needed some milk and salad. Holden was having a glorious time being carted around. There were several attractive ladies and I noted that they weren’t having their hearts melted by my beautiful offspring as they normally would. Holden had turned himself in the cart so his head faced away from me. At one point I said his name and he turned my way and I saw that he had what can only be described as a milk-puke goatee. He also had some curdy globs on his jacket. I wiped it all up quickly. I guess that’s why we weren’t “picking up.” It couldn’t have had anything to do with my morbid obesity or general lack of appeal. ...

Hmm. Last post was quite a while back. What’s happened since then. Let me see… Had all but $10 of my tax refund go to Kat’s tax owing, grew another chin, had my horse put down, created a terrific french toast-bacon-sausage-syrup sandwich which I consumed publicly and I received a new Blackberry that permits me to watch episodes of The Office in the shitter at work. I’m sure all of your lives have been far superior. ...

I never did post any pics from this past New Year’s Eve. For continuity’s sake, click the thumbnail of some of my 2004 neck pimples below to see them. And be sure to read all of my captions. I’M HILARIOUS!

Next time you see me enjoying a tasty beverage, it’s the perfect time for you to enjoy a tasty beverage too!

Hahahaha. That’s funny. That’s real funny. In fact, it reminds me of a story… It was early 1996. My cousin Zak was visiting from Sri Lanka. Zak’s IQ is 65 and he’d been “off the grid” for some time. I once asked Zak to fully explain what “off the grid” means and he responded by running across a field and slamming head-first into a tree. When I caught up to him he had a bloody grin on his face and was just beginning to shit his pants. I’ve always found Zak to be nothing short of hilarious. ...

Woke at 7. Snoozed until 7:41. Fixed myself up until 8:23. It didn’t help. Went downstairs. Tended to the animals. One last look at my disgusting self in the mirror. Out the door at 8:35. Car didn’t want to start, but it did. Exhaust smelled like Yoda’s taint. That can’t be good. Arrived at work to find the entry gate now opens just a little bit slower once the self-loathing security guard decides to press the enormous I’m-a-button-pushing-sack-of-shit button in their shit-eating booth. Glad I have another second and a half to hate you each day. ...