Woke to my child staring me in the face with a smile. I stared back at him with my usually pimply, plump, puffy and miserable mug. I think the apple fell far from the tree and then hitched a ride far, far away on the wings of a graceful butterfly with wings of Oreo delight.
Drove to work with $1.30 in my wallet. How was I gonna maximize this? Turned the corner in the 1st floor corridor at work to see it was quiet in the land of the vending machines. I dove for the chocolate-covered almond dispenser and gladly parted with a loonie. I was chain swallowing the 10 or so tasty nuggets when a coworker happened upon me so I was forced to slow down to a human pace. I’m sure if he’d seen my gorging it would have ruined his opinion of me being a 4-minute mile kinda guy.
After a trip to the office restroom in the afternoon I discovered a urine stain on my jean crotchal region. No idea who put it there. I rubbed it rapidly so as to burn it off which absolutely sounded like vigorous masturbation. Upon exiting the room I saw a woman had been standing near the door and she gave me an awful glare. I spit in her face and kicked her in the vagina for judging me. No, I didn’t. There was no one there.
Picked my boy up from his uncle’s on the way home, stopped to get some gas and then got here and ate an unhealthy amount of canned pasta in an unhealthily short amount of time. I think you could safely follow everything I do with the word unhealthy. I even brush my teeth in an unhealthy manner. I’m sure I only make contact with 5 or 6 of the yellowy bastards and then it’s off to eat a nightstand Frosty. Thank you Mr. Wendy’s!