My mouth smells like a dead hooker’s vagina. Evidently it doesn’t look much better either as I forced Kat to take a flashlight to it. Not sure what’s going on in there but every surface is tender and even gumming a slab of velvety cheddar is like chewing a handful of nails. This could be a way of my body telling me not not eat so much, but I’m not listening, much the same way my body didn’t listen when I asked it to not grow lady tits. ...
I awoke from my slumber today and felt 54% worse than yesterday. Decided to take a sick day. Phone rang off the fuckin’ hook so glad I didn’t try to sleep. Ate some bacon and been taking it easy. Have gotten little accomplished except filling my usual jizz kleenex trash bin with snotty kleenex. Nice to throw ol’ trashy a curveball from time to time. While I was taking it easy, figured I’d polish up the tail end of the Dark Knight video and YouTube it. Tragically, after spending an hour uploading it, I’m told that the 13-minute video is beyond their 10-minute limit. Glad that info is buried deep within a help page that I didn’t see. So I split it into two and resent it. All’s well. \\ I’ve since removed it from YouTube for no good reason. ** DB 2020 ** ...
On the recommendation of some friends (who are absolutely aware that I’m fat and enjoy eating) I stopped at Burger King to take down one of them Angry Whoppers today. Ironically, they don’t have them any more, so I had to settle for a normal Whopper… which made me angry. Well played, Burger King. You made yourself a powerful enemy today. I was taking a pee in the public washroom at work this afternoon. The room was empty aside from myself and I was at the far right urinal with a wall partially concealing my girth from others. Mid pee, I hear a dude come in mumbling to himself as though distracted and possibly reading, but certainly heading in my direction. Only thing that crossed my mind is that he was so focused on whatever the fuck he was doing that he wasn’t going to even look up to see that the urinal was occupied and I would wind up with his dick on my back. ...
Well I guess that post a few down there is wrong: Times are not so different. I mean, the price of gas is back down around 70-75 cents a litre. That’s pretty good. ‘Old Grey Beard’ (the grey shirt that won’t die) hangs in my closet only a notch or two past my daily wearables. He could show up any day now! What else? Well, there’s Joe. He’s clearly not insane and at the recent New Year’s Eve party I didn’t see him drink a drop. In fact, he may be at his creative peak what with the Dark Knight trailer and all. I think we can expect more greatness from that greasy bastard! ...
Let’s start the new year off right. Here’s a masterpiece from the minds of Joe Xavier Carolan and Patrick Zeus Carolan. I’ll also take some credit for piecing it together. Enjoy!
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No, this isn’t that meaningful update you’ve been looking for. Just dropped in to say, “Hey. How ya doing?” You can now go back to your day. Thank you.
Remember the good ol’ days… When gas was under 80 cents. When Ryan was fat and jolly. When Shaun was single and bitter. When we didn’t know if Jeff was gay or not. And when I wore that grey shirt everyday, was often bent over and was always surrounded by dudes. Yep, those were the days. They were also the days when Joe wasn’t insane and didn’t drink. See? ...
It’s been quite a while since I had a day where I saw so many people whose faces I wanted to smash in. Mainly these people were in Wal-mart. Actually they were all in Wal-mart except the guy who was driving the same speed as me in the next lane as I drove home from St. Catharines. Now what would make me have such a day? Nothing, ‘cept my usual messed uppedness in the head. Think it was just one of those angry days when I’m best to lock myself up at home and watch Hannah Montana reruns. ...
Today I discovered some footage of myself at work from 8 years ago and that’s a frame from it above. It’s horrifying. At the same time it beautifully captures this Barnhardt tipping the scales at an all-time high of 265 pounds. This was about November of 2000, shortly after I’d decided to use misuse some hair clippers on my dome. It truly seemed like a great idea at the time as I stood in the dimly lit washroom of a small 2-bedroom bungalow I was sharing with Andrew. ...