Yep. I’ve reached a whole new level of nerdity and can now post here from my Blackberry. So whether I be taking a dump in a Norweigan airplane hangar or bustin’ caps in a whore’s kneecaps in the Arizona desert, you’ll hear about it as it goes down. Seriously, keep an eye here tomorrow as I’ll attempt to give you live baby updates from the hospital room, waiting room or washroom as I clean vomit from my shoes. ...
Been a while. No post. What’s the deal? I was eating. So our expectant child is now 1 day overdue. I’ll have to speak with him about this when he arrives. Can only imagine he’s in there trimming his nails or fiddling with his glasses. Anyway, nothing to report now except that if he ain’t out by Thursday they’re going in after him. Since I last posted I think I’ve gained about 20 pounds. Kat’s gained about 3. I couldn’t let her win. My bitch-tits are blossoming and there’s no end in sight. My diet consists mainly of cheesy bagels and Passion Flakie’s and sometimes they merge into a heavenly sandwich. I have a newfound enjoyment of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, fake “fruit” sticks and Pop-Tarts by the handful. I’m now wheezing at the level of someone thrice my age and raising the soap to my gut this morning caused a muscle pull that I can’t quite work out. Why do I tell you all this? To make you feel 100% better about yourself. You’re welcome. ...
I had a teacher in grade school who was garbage. Leading up to my year with him, I often heard that he was hated. I assumed it must’ve been due to his Selleck-esque mustache or his Old West leather vests, but I would come to learn that it was because he hated fat children. It was the Summer of ‘87 and a young tubby kid (me) was dominating Grade 5. The other kids cried at my overpowering achievements in spelling and if I recall correctly I was taking Grade 12 math. It was all so easy and breezy until it came time for the yearly outdoor adventure. ...
I guess I’ve subjected you all to enough of my turtle-covered wang. Let’s move on. I’ve had very little time to write anything here lately what with my hectic schedule and long commute love affair with Burger King. Do you know you can ask them to hold the onions and add extra pickles? Well, you can, and it’s absolutely divine. Went to the dump yesterday. Had some shit from the basement that I really felt the environment could better deal with than I. Broken speakers. Old table. They’re biodegradable, right? Hey, not my problem. ...
Wendy’s called me today. Evidently they’re upset that I made it impossible to think of anything but a torn up crotch when looking at a Spicy Baconator. They let me in on their initiative to rename the Baconator the Torn Up Spicy Crotchonator, and I gave my approval. Truthfully, Wendy’s should be proud that they’ve come up with a sandwich that can universally be described as looking like a sloppy pile of woman junk. Even my Mom refers to the pic as “the photo of the greasy axe wound.” God love you, Mom. ...
After a couple weeks of being badgered by co-workers, I’ve forced myself to try the Spicy Baconator. The verdict? It’s fucking terrible. I took a picture of the greasy fucking mess. Check out the shine on this fucker! And what’s with the friggin’ bubble in the bacon? I mean, I’m just angry about the whole experience. Damn all of you who pushed me into it. Damn you to hell. ...
My Mom almost chipped a tooth on a walnut shell in a cookie. I was probably 9 or 10. She sent the company a letter to complain and a few weeks later a courier delivered a suitcase-sized box of various cookies. Until my wedding day I’d considered that the best day of my life. That’s apropos of nothing but it was a memory that crossed my mind today. Speaking of which, you know how they say that your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die? Well for whatever reason, and it’s probably chocolate bar-related, I can’t get my life to ever stop flashing before my eyes. I spend hours and days thinking about life 10 and 20 years ago. I gotta think this means I’m mentally retarded, which sucks because then I gotta face the fact that I’m retarded AND fat. ...
Stopped on the way home at Home Depot to pick up some chair rail for the baby’s room. Went in, measured up the wood and cut it. Pretty quiet in there so no one got in my way. Very nice. I found my way to the checkout and waited behind a couple who had some appliances and a cart full of stuff. About 2 minutes passed and I moved ahead as the couple left. I rested the 5 lengths of wood on the ground and the fun began. ...
Well, what’s new. My Knight Rider video is up to over 5,000 views on YouTube. That’s pretty cool. I hope to get a call from Hollywood any day now. Umm, let’s see. This site is now blocked by my company’s firewall. That’s a pretty big shame. Normally I’d kill 3-4 hours a day working on posts here but now I’ve gotta squeeze something half-assed like this in between walking the dogs and dropping a deuce. We all suffer, really. ...
Well I guess those videos have been simmering here long enough. Hope y’all enjoyed them. The Knight Rider one has been watched over 2,400 times on YouTube, so I guess I’m just a little bit awesome. Yay me! Cheers to Joe and Pat who wrote, directed, produced and shot it, all in about 20 minutes under the sweet Florida sun! Jeers to the young lady at the pool who cut short my poolside masturbation scene. ...