Journal

Woke to my child staring me in the face with a smile. I stared back at him with my usually pimply, plump, puffy and miserable mug. I think the apple fell far from the tree and then hitched a ride far, far away on the wings of a graceful butterfly with wings of Oreo delight. Drove to work with $1.30 in my wallet. How was I gonna maximize this? Turned the corner in the 1st floor corridor at work to see it was quiet in the land of the vending machines. I dove for the chocolate-covered almond dispenser and gladly parted with a loonie. I was chain swallowing the 10 or so tasty nuggets when a coworker happened upon me so I was forced to slow down to a human pace. I’m sure if he’d seen my gorging it would have ruined his opinion of me being a 4-minute mile kinda guy. ...

Today was another day of eating and fathering. I took Holden to the grocery store because Daddy needed some milk and salad. Holden was having a glorious time being carted around. There were several attractive ladies and I noted that they weren’t having their hearts melted by my beautiful offspring as they normally would. Holden had turned himself in the cart so his head faced away from me. At one point I said his name and he turned my way and I saw that he had what can only be described as a milk-puke goatee. He also had some curdy globs on his jacket. I wiped it all up quickly. I guess that’s why we weren’t “picking up.” It couldn’t have had anything to do with my morbid obesity or general lack of appeal. ...

Hmm. Last post was quite a while back. What’s happened since then. Let me see… Had all but $10 of my tax refund go to Kat’s tax owing, grew another chin, had my horse put down, created a terrific french toast-bacon-sausage-syrup sandwich which I consumed publicly and I received a new Blackberry that permits me to watch episodes of The Office in the shitter at work. I’m sure all of your lives have been far superior. ...

I never did post any pics from this past New Year’s Eve. For continuity’s sake, click the thumbnail of some of my 2004 neck pimples below to see them. And be sure to read all of my captions. I’M HILARIOUS!

Next time you see me enjoying a tasty beverage, it’s the perfect time for you to enjoy a tasty beverage too!

Hahahaha. That’s funny. That’s real funny. In fact, it reminds me of a story… It was early 1996. My cousin Zak was visiting from Sri Lanka. Zak’s IQ is 65 and he’d been “off the grid” for some time. I once asked Zak to fully explain what “off the grid” means and he responded by running across a field and slamming head-first into a tree. When I caught up to him he had a bloody grin on his face and was just beginning to shit his pants. I’ve always found Zak to be nothing short of hilarious. ...

Woke at 7. Snoozed until 7:41. Fixed myself up until 8:23. It didn’t help. Went downstairs. Tended to the animals. One last look at my disgusting self in the mirror. Out the door at 8:35. Car didn’t want to start, but it did. Exhaust smelled like Yoda’s taint. That can’t be good. Arrived at work to find the entry gate now opens just a little bit slower once the self-loathing security guard decides to press the enormous I’m-a-button-pushing-sack-of-shit button in their shit-eating booth. Glad I have another second and a half to hate you each day. ...

My mouth smells like a dead hooker’s vagina. Evidently it doesn’t look much better either as I forced Kat to take a flashlight to it. Not sure what’s going on in there but every surface is tender and even gumming a slab of velvety cheddar is like chewing a handful of nails. This could be a way of my body telling me not not eat so much, but I’m not listening, much the same way my body didn’t listen when I asked it to not grow lady tits. ...

I awoke from my slumber today and felt 54% worse than yesterday. Decided to take a sick day. Phone rang off the fuckin’ hook so glad I didn’t try to sleep. Ate some bacon and been taking it easy. Have gotten little accomplished except filling my usual jizz kleenex trash bin with snotty kleenex. Nice to throw ol’ trashy a curveball from time to time. While I was taking it easy, figured I’d polish up the tail end of the Dark Knight video and YouTube it. Tragically, after spending an hour uploading it, I’m told that the 13-minute video is beyond their 10-minute limit. Glad that info is buried deep within a help page that I didn’t see. So I split it into two and resent it. All’s well. \\ I’ve since removed it from YouTube for no good reason. ** DB 2020 ** ...

On the recommendation of some friends (who are absolutely aware that I’m fat and enjoy eating) I stopped at Burger King to take down one of them Angry Whoppers today. Ironically, they don’t have them any more, so I had to settle for a normal Whopper… which made me angry. Well played, Burger King. You made yourself a powerful enemy today. I was taking a pee in the public washroom at work this afternoon. The room was empty aside from myself and I was at the far right urinal with a wall partially concealing my girth from others. Mid pee, I hear a dude come in mumbling to himself as though distracted and possibly reading, but certainly heading in my direction. Only thing that crossed my mind is that he was so focused on whatever the fuck he was doing that he wasn’t going to even look up to see that the urinal was occupied and I would wind up with his dick on my back. ...