Journal

Been sick for a few days, alright? Back off. Get your own sore throat. Had a few stops to make yesterday on my way in to work… Dropped my son off at the sitter’s in Ridgeway. As we waited for her to come to the door, I noticed a fly or two and a bee around my legs. I looked down and saw a mangled frog lying on it’s back surrounded by blood and worms were coming out of it’s mouth. I presume the worms were the frog’s last meal, or maybe someone had staged the whole thing. Anyway, I kicked it aside with a powerful Barnhardt wallop that sent it flying a good 20 some odd inches away. Froggy made me think back to the time I was cutting grass at my Mom’s and I came around a tree and before I could stop I rolled over a sizeable frog that was sitting there. When it came out the other side of the tire, it looked 100% the same as when it went in. So either it flexed all it’s muscles and walked away a bit later unscathed or the 650 lb tractor (and perhaps 230 pounds atop it) turned the frog’s innards into a frog innard smoothy and it was later eaten by a neighbourhood kitty. You believe what you want to believe. ...

I made the life-altering decision this morning to wear Blacky – my favourite black polo shirt, but a shirt with an issue. A little while back I was throwing a cat down some stairs and she scratched me. This resulted in a thread hanging out of the shirt near my left nipple (or at least where my left nipple should be; I’m certain it was placed carelessly). So anyway, that thread become a small hole in the shirt, which I was well aware of when I commenced my dressing ceremony this morning. I put a white undershirt on and Blacky on top. Sweet baby Jesus, I could see the white shirt through the hole. ...

On my way in to work, I believe I saw a stripper/weed whacking girl on the side of the road. What did she see? A fat nerd in a grey car taking her picture with his Blackberry and an old guy in a white Malibu* beating his dick like it owed him money. *Please someone, correct me if that’s not a Malibu in the picture. I don’t want to make mistakes here. Not like this. Not like this. ...

Anyone else have a dream last night where Jeff Girdlestone was getting beaten by his mother about the face and buttocks with a large metal beaver whilst father Girdlestone hummed No Son of Mine by Genesis? No? Just me. Probably for the best. Finished watching the new Transformers movie. Didn’t like it. Not a fan of the new look of the Transformers at all. Part of the appeal of the original toys and cartoon was to say, hey, look, dude’s armpit is actually a tailpipe or hey, that odd robot has antenna legs. Now you can’t make out shit. It just looks like a big mess of belt buckles and screwdrivers. And how about the part near the end where someone’s silhouette appears and they throw popcorn on someone else. Blocks out half the picture. You think they would have fixed that up before releasing it. ...

I’ve got a few ideas buzzing around in my head for ways to revamp the site. I won’t share any of them with you because I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Needless to say, it’ll have to involve an easier way for me to get content on here. All my spare time is occupied by my most valiant attempts at becoming an alcoholic. I’m doing fairly well at it, thanks for asking. ...

Re-edited the Beam wedding post again to re-inject some goodness. Now I’m gonna go re-inject some cheddar cheese into my stomach. Peace. Love. Barnhardt.

Hmm. Updated that last post after receiving some hate mail about my photo comments. No problem, I’ll just go back to eating lots of stuff and talking about it. No one gets hurt that way ‘cept me.

Sam and Kevin’s wedding was yesterday. Reception was terrific. Saw people I hadn’t seen in 15 years. Lots of great food and plenty of booze. Photo gallery coming soon. Highlights: Luc and Mike performing an awesome acoustic rendition of Lost Together Sean Ball – no man has had this good an evening without being able to open his eyes Vince the bartender – your rye and ginger’s changed my life Maria’s Catering – when you put sausage next to meatballs, I’m not gonna get excited about the sausage; when you make that sausage maple flavoured I want to have sex with your face Dan Potyok travelling the longest distance to be there and despite my line of questions about his kill count, he decides not to remove my spine and shove it up my ass ten minutes into catching up with Rob Sykes he ends our chat abruptly when he realizes he’s missing out on some killer weed in the parking lot When all was said and done it was about 2:30 in the morning and Adam G offered to drive me home. I remember getting home and getting out of the car and that’s about it. Analyzing the whereabouts of my clothing and several other items, I think I can piece together what took place. ...

About 3 months ago, in the final bitter cold onslaught of Winter, I came home to a sweet sight at the curb. The neighbours across the way had lodged a big screen TV in the snowbank where it awaited the trash man. I came into the house and pushed past my wife and child to look out the front window to gaze upon it again. Could the frosty plastic fellow be worth saving? ...

Went to the bank machine this morning to take the last precious 20 dollars from my account and I encountered an old male customer. As I queued up behind him he briefly acknowledged me then went back to working on the machine. I say ‘working on the machine’ because spending the time he was at the fucking thing he must’ve been trying to reprogram it or Google something. Perhaps directions back to his shitty apartment where his wife would nag him to fix the ceiling fan again. I glared at the back of his neck and pictured it exploding until he finished up and left a few minutes later. I did my business, ripped my crisp 20 from the machine and was on my way. ...