Posts

Oh, hey. How ya been? Oh. Oh dear. Pretty terrible, eh? Well, I’m back. Ladies, get your pants down and gents, get your pants way down ‘cuz this is happening… for a short while until I retreat into the sad, wretched jungle of my mind. :D (inappropriate emoji’s rock!) So, it looks like they’re finally getting around to fixing up Dominion Road. You know, Dominion Road. For those times when there’s a chance the Garrison will be peppered with cops and you’ve had eight too many beers and need to leave the Girdlestone mansion wherever you may be. Fear not ‘cuz the D’s got your back. Joyfully pinball your rust-roofed Corolla car off the former Home Hardware, former Braun’s Suprette and former Kelly’s Auto as you take your left turn, s-curve, slight left, hard left and wide right journey home. ...

My day began at about 4:25 this morning. Bladder was full. I convinced myself that it was fine and to just go back to sleep. Sooo tired. Maybe just a sip from my trusty bedside water goblet (Barnhardt’s tend to dehydrate, dontcha know…). I slowly reached for the cup and misjudged it’s location, situating my grasp 2 centimetres too far south. My fingertips began to push the cup over. In my dopey state I figured the corrective measure would be to grab the cup… with the same hand that was causing the trouble in the first place. This only resulted in tipping it more quickly. As the Smurf-blue BPA-rich plastic cup tapped on the 15-year-old Zellers bedside table, I briefly thought, Whew! No spill. Guess the cup was empty after a… and then I heard the torrent of tepid water splash down onto the hardwood. That’s some pretty good comedic timing you’ve got, gravity. ...

Dave Barnhardt, 39, Fort Erie, Canada Likes - reality TV - potato chips - silence - Guinness - bulleted lists - discounts - sarcasm - staring - I don’t know - your mother Dislikes - negativity - spite - you

… that some time last year I actually Googled “how to be an alcoholic without anyone noticing”? Much the way an ambitious teenager Googles “how to join the armed forces,” I set out on a fact finding mission. I learned that if you’re going to be getting wasted on the job then you should “Keep Quiet – People tend to slur their speeches when drunk. They also tend to lose track of the volume of their voice. If you’re trying to avoid getting caught drinking, try to keep quiet and listen.” Hmm. I’ve never enjoyed talking and I’m quite good at pretending to listen. However, the article said that I’d have to stick to vodka so that killed it. I’m not a fan of vodka… nor is the roommate of my buddy from college who had to clean my puke from her toilet and vanity after a rowdy night where Barnhardt thought he could handle vodka shots. Barnhardt could not handle vodka shots. He could handle saying “I’ve gotta go pee” and never returning. Some might say he’s an expert at that. ...

Fucking thing doesn’t smell at all like Chinese food.

Woke up today and didn’t want to get out of bed. Most other days I’m encouraged by a bed wreaking of dog, a wife snoring like a trucker or a clock displaying a time that I know damn well doesn’t leave me enough time to jack off in the shower. But not this day. This day, freshly washed cotton sheets and angel soft blankets greeted my 7 am alarm. Waited until that clock showed 7:11 am… thought about convenience store hot dogs and nachos… and then had the motivation I needed to rise. ...

Went to a local Chinese food establishment yesterday that I hadn’t been to for a long while. An establishment that we used to frequent several times a week until it got too annoying to do so. It was all good and I kept the food down, but it made me remember a time that I went there, probably about 28 years ago (yes, I have a terrific memory; I would gladly trade it for decent teeth or more hair). ...

Last night (it’s just past midnight, I know… fuck you) saw the crew get together for, like, the 17th consecutive New Year’s Eve house party. By “crew,” we’re not talking about the same crew of old. There were 100% fewer Carolan’s there than usual. About 8 times the normal number of children. And if anyone walking by was in desperate need of some brokerage (which, yes, I assume is a commodity, just like cheese), there were 5 more people than 15 years ago at the party who could’ve helped out. ...

A few observations from last night’s romp at the Girdlestone mansion… - Carolyn now likes hugs. She used to not like hugs. Now she does. I fixed that. To those who’ve been disappointed by her poor response to a hug in the past, I suggest you give it another go. It’ll be better this time. I promise. - Stacey’s mother knows who I am and reads this site. Good for her. Time to ruin that. Pop quiz, Stacey’s mom… Which boobs in the below picture belong to your daughter? ...

Scene Dollar store. I approach the checkout where there are no other customers. A lone female 20-ish looking cashier points me to the counter she’s working. Cashier [Looking at me oddly]: Hmm. I think I know you from somewhere. Me: Oh yeah? Cashier: Yeah, I think I know you. Me: Hmm. Cashier: Yeah. Me: Well, where? Like somewhere good or somewhere bad? Cashier: Like, from school. Me: Oh, which school? Cashier: High school. FESS. Me: Well, maybe if you have an older brother or sister, I could know them. I mean, you look way younger than me. I’m damn near 40. Cashier: Oh, jeez! Well, have a good day. ...