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It’s early in the morning. It would be completely unbearable if it weren’t for the fact that all sense of fatigue and lack of power are drowned by feelings of excitement and anticipation. Summer has taken hold though just three weeks old and the day of school and intense heat is now ruled by the latter. Each day is filled with the search for a new way to entertain one’s self, and one is never disappointed. For, during these couple months of the year, kicking a pop can around town is a suitable replacement for productively attending school for the remainder of the time. Today, however, a notable event will be taking place. We take a trip to an amusement park. The park of all parks, Canada’s Wonderland. ...

We used to go up North to a cottage where we’d meet up with members of the extended Barnhardt family. There was Aunt Judy who was a whiz with campfires. Uncle Dan who bought me my first fishing reel. Oh, and I’ll never forget Uncle Angry with his unbeatable left hook. Uncle Angry had a short fuse. He would take me to the beach to look for shells and when I showed him one that he thought was too small, he’d call me a fag and throw sand in my eyes. One time I saw his attack coming and tried to run, only to have him chase me down and hold my head under water ’till I shit my shorts. ...

Watched Beth on RAW last Monday night. When the match ended, Beth retained the title, her opponent Candice was unconscious and I retired to my quarters to pleasure my… just watch the damn video.

Friends always assumed he was too cheap to go through with it. FORT ERIE (CP) - If by ’tight’ you mean the kind of man who turns his heat down in January should the sun happen to briefly peak through the clouds then Dave Barnhardt is listed under the nomenclature. Anyone who has ever experienced the shock of his automatic light timer cutting the juice to the living room lamp the second the clock strikes 9:59 PM knows that he is more likely to splurge on Dairy Queen without matching wits with the cashier than to turn to the lusty thrills of Online Casino Gambling, right? ...

Geez. You’d think Shaun would’ve stopped for a beverage. But look at ’em. Still going at it over there. Still going… aaah… it’s beautiful. It’s a beautiful thing. Almost as beautiful as…

Barnhardt needed to get the Corolla’s oil changed, so Barnhardt stopped by good old Bill’s Toyota early this morning. Left the keys with the half-naked Puerto Rican receptionist, gave her a knowing pat on the ass and headed into the waiting room. Tuned the TV to CP24 for all my Toronto-related news and headed to the coffee machine to whip myself up a cup. It’s one of those single serving coffee makers that’s manufactured in some country where people are still burned at the stake but they really know a good cup of Joe. ...

So a year ago and a day, this happened: I left for work around 2 pm and it had started snowing. When I got home around 9:30 all hell had broken loose. That’s the willow tree at my Mom’s place. I spent a lot of time in that tree. One time I worked on a colouring contest for Easter as I was perched amongst its inviting limbs. A contest that I would end up winning. The prize? Breakfast with the Easter Bunny. Did I go? Well, no. I’m not really a morning person. ...

I drove to work this morning beside some jackass in a Hyundai who was far too happy to be alive. He was tippity tap tapping away on his steering wheel, presumably to a song he particularly enjoyed. He wore sunglasses and smoked a cigarette as he coasted along about 5 feet behind an 18-wheeler. I hoped the transport would slam on its brakes and decapitate this douche bag, or at least cause him to drop his smoke. Then I started thinking about it more and considered that he may be listening to a self-help tape that was encouraging him to continue on living despite being afflicted with a spastic wrist. I started to feel bad so I turned up the radio… ...

Yep, they’ve all been posted! Enjoy many classic family favourites including… Check ’em out NOW!

Friday, September 28th, 2007 I’ve been given at least two good reasons to go gay today: 1/ As I was poking fun at Dave, our obese friend, my eyes caught sight of what can only be described as a greasy hurricane of lard beneath his first chin. I’ve never been so disgusted by a man in my life, and 2/ We took a walk on a trail in the woods. I stopped to tie my shoe and when I looked up, everyone was gone. I searched and searched to no avail when all of a sudden this curly-haired girl jumped out and attacked me with a tongue that seemed to go on for miles. I succumbed to her charms and we made passionate love as woodland critters rejoiced. I think my days with Joe may be numbered. ...