Journal

I’ve been asked if I’ll be the first one of “the circle” to have kids. My answer has been, “No, but I’m the first normal one of the circle to have kids.” Way back in ‘94 Kyle and Joe first began their onslaught of torment. It was chemistry class and the room had stadium-style seating. They sat in the row ahead of me and every day wrote notes calling “Barnhardt” a drunk and a wife beater which they then held up for me to see. I giggled a gap-toothed giggle like only I could and several times looked like quite the fool. But it was hilarious and I appreciated their effort and creativity. It was one of a limited number of humorous moments among what was an otherwise tiring 5-year obligation. It also acted as a catalyst for my growing disinterest in school, but that all worked out for the best. ...

It’s already bent, Beth. It’s already bent. Thanks Beth! You’ll be happy (and outraged) to learn that this picture immediately replaced our unborn child’s ultrasound picture on the fridge. In fact, I’ve removed everything on it but this picture. Why? Because when I visit the freezer for my nightly routine of dipping Dorito’s into icy mango sorbet, I want you to see me do it. Is that weird? And I appreciate the envelope. Kat and I are now considering naming our kid “F’n” just cuz we like the looks of this: ...

Video kinda speaks for itself… GAME ON! Your browser does not support the audio element.

I took a break from work to come home to let the dogs out. As I was walking around my backyard I felt a disturbance in the force and looked over in amazement to see our hero with another case of white Lucky skillfully tucked between his legs while pedaling for home, salivating over the first piss warm Lucky he was about to enjoy. No grocery bags were visible, he was all business this day. The suspect was on High street heading towards the school district, no doubt a place where he experienced very little success, so he must have altered his route based on his new found celebrity. ...

We used to go up North to a cottage where we’d meet up with members of the extended Barnhardt family. There was Aunt Judy who was a whiz with campfires. Uncle Dan who bought me my first fishing reel. Oh, and I’ll never forget Uncle Angry with his unbeatable left hook. Uncle Angry had a short fuse. He would take me to the beach to look for shells and when I showed him one that he thought was too small, he’d call me a fag and throw sand in my eyes. One time I saw his attack coming and tried to run, only to have him chase me down and hold my head under water ’till I shit my shorts. ...

Friends always assumed he was too cheap to go through with it. FORT ERIE (CP) - If by ’tight’ you mean the kind of man who turns his heat down in January should the sun happen to briefly peak through the clouds then Dave Barnhardt is listed under the nomenclature. Anyone who has ever experienced the shock of his automatic light timer cutting the juice to the living room lamp the second the clock strikes 9:59 PM knows that he is more likely to splurge on Dairy Queen without matching wits with the cashier than to turn to the lusty thrills of Online Casino Gambling, right? ...

Geez. You’d think Shaun would’ve stopped for a beverage. But look at ’em. Still going at it over there. Still going… aaah… it’s beautiful. It’s a beautiful thing. Almost as beautiful as…

Barnhardt needed to get the Corolla’s oil changed, so Barnhardt stopped by good old Bill’s Toyota early this morning. Left the keys with the half-naked Puerto Rican receptionist, gave her a knowing pat on the ass and headed into the waiting room. Tuned the TV to CP24 for all my Toronto-related news and headed to the coffee machine to whip myself up a cup. It’s one of those single serving coffee makers that’s manufactured in some country where people are still burned at the stake but they really know a good cup of Joe. ...

So a year ago and a day, this happened: I left for work around 2 pm and it had started snowing. When I got home around 9:30 all hell had broken loose. That’s the willow tree at my Mom’s place. I spent a lot of time in that tree. One time I worked on a colouring contest for Easter as I was perched amongst its inviting limbs. A contest that I would end up winning. The prize? Breakfast with the Easter Bunny. Did I go? Well, no. I’m not really a morning person. ...

I drove to work this morning beside some jackass in a Hyundai who was far too happy to be alive. He was tippity tap tapping away on his steering wheel, presumably to a song he particularly enjoyed. He wore sunglasses and smoked a cigarette as he coasted along about 5 feet behind an 18-wheeler. I hoped the transport would slam on its brakes and decapitate this douche bag, or at least cause him to drop his smoke. Then I started thinking about it more and considered that he may be listening to a self-help tape that was encouraging him to continue on living despite being afflicted with a spastic wrist. I started to feel bad so I turned up the radio… ...