Posts

Delicious destruction.

One day I was eating marshmallows from a garbage pail when out of one of the mallows crawled a house centipede. In the past I’d always erased these critters quickly, but I’d just gotten over a nasty bout of food poisoning and his charismatic gaze melted my weakened heart. It told me the story of a snowy December afternoon when it watched Back to the Future for the first time. Mischievous little guy had snuck into the theatre where he cozied up to a fat man’s Kodiak and fired up a Dunhill. I asked him if he shared my feelings that BTTF was one of the best movies of all time. He said he couldn’t agree more and we shared a smile. ...

I’ve added the ability to fullscreen all the videos on this site. It’s on the bottom row of the video player at the right. I suggest you hit it. Hit it like you’re hitting your wife for not making enough macaroni and cheese. If it doesn’t work for you, either you’re an idiot or you don’t have the latest Flash Player. Get it. Get it like you’re getting the keys to the car and threatening to leave your wife for the whore down the road. The whore who appreciates the value of a quality plate of mac and cheese. ...

I found out there was no Cheez Whiz left in the house and even then I didn’t unleash this amount of rage:

So last night I quickly consumed a slice of pizza while Beth quickly kicked ass in the Diva Battle Royal at WWE Summerslam. Pretty much equivalent levels of intensity. Since I don’t have footage of me eating the pizza, you’ll just have to enjoy this: (I imagine Beth has the same look on her face when she’s walking down the street with Joe and sees that he’s about to get hit by a car. It’s the promise that something excellent is about to happen.) ...

So I gave Joe from Kentucky a call last night. Sounds like he’s doing good. I do have to question his mental state though. When we spoke, he’d just finished a full day’s work on a shot-by-shot remake of Stand By Me starring his dog Sonya as Chopper the junkyard dog, his left testicle as Teddy Duchamp and a crude crayon drawing of me played Vern, the fat kid. ...

So a brief update: I’ve got back pain, limp legs and a nose full of snot. I’m gonna assume they’re all related specifically to my riding lesson from last night and not an impending heart attack or 30 years of neglect. Much thanks to my buddy Owen from the Niagara College “Real World” house for his depiction of last night’s event: Only thing missing is my enormous, sweaty helmet and better definition on my man jugs. ...

So I took my first horse riding lesson tonight and evidently I’m a “good student.” You’re damn right I’m a good student. How else would you explain the 100% I got in Grade 10 keyboarding or the 98% I got in Grade 10 Computer Science, neither which I real man should be proud of?! Only thing hurting at the moment are my back and ankles. Tomorrow morning I expect to add legs, neck and scrotum to that list, followed by spine and kidneys tomorrow night. Just takes 30 minutes of exertion to realize how outta shape I am. Guess this means that bicep curling a heavily-buttered bagel won’t cut it as a morning workout. ...

Here’s a picture of Kat and me from Andrew and Autumn’s wedding last night. I’m pretty sure everyone will agree that I look like I own 15 oil wells, 20 helicopters, several professional sports teams and have a small dungeon in my backyard where I take “hot guys” to blow. The semi-tinted glasses, pink vest and tie, questionable hair style and shit-faced grin can only lead you to the obvious conclusion that I’ve hired a sexy brunette as my “beard.” And you’d be absolutely right. ...

One time around 1994, Joe and I were at Wendy’s in St. Catharines with, I believe, John Geiger. We were on our way out and loading ourselves into John’s Chevette. I decided I’d had enough of my tasty beverage and as I sat my fat girth down onto the back seat, I discarded my drink cup onto the pavement. Before I could close the door, the people returned to the car parked next to us and the gentleman (who’d obviously seen what I did) looked me square in the eyes and said, “Did they teach you that?” ...