Went to the doctor’s today for a check up of the old neck which now aches on the regular. In the lot I decided I didn’t want to pay for parking, so I didn’t. Whisked myself to the front door past a silver-haired lady buying parking and a silver-haired man reversing his car about to erase her. I’d have turned around to see how that played out, but, you know… bad neck.
Inside I approached the expanse of reception windows behind which sat 4 ladies of varying ages but identically imperceptible desires to live. As I tried to decide which window to approach, number 2 made eye contact with me and gave a shoulder shrug which I returned in kind, but that cute moment solved nothing. Couple of minutes later I was welcomed in by a nurse who checked my blood pressure, listened to me whine about my blood pressure, reassured me the figures were reasonable and then rightly got the hell outta there.
Doc came in and fast talked his way through a 3-minute exchange during which he agreed to an X-ray. Sent me off to the building next door where I once again refused to pay for parking. Quickly got registered and headed to the X-ray lounge – an area that’s typically empty, but today, not so much. There was an athletic dude adorned in NHL garb who no doubt had an injury cooler than “middle-aged fat guy with large head and sore neck.” Then there was a mother and teen aged kid named Cole.
Cole was called in first and given detailed instructions on undressing and robing up. He struggled with this for a good 10 minutes while his mom sat in the waiting area and took a phone call from possibly Cole’s father. She explained to the man on the phone that Cole had a blockage and might need to change his diet. No, I don’t think he eats too much cheese, she said, then followed up with, V egetables have fibre. Brilliant dame. Cole came out a bit later and they both giggled about his trouble with the gown, then mom quickly gave Cole an electronic device to keep him busy.
I continued to sit there for perhaps another 10 minutes, gazing at my surroundings after getting sick of fiddling with my phone. There’s plenty of dangling plastic conduits, outdated corkboard postings and questionable electrical work to keep the eyes entertained in that place. She’s beat up, but gotta give the old hospital credit for still hanging around.
Decided my game of pay parking roulette was a dangerous one, so I waddled out to the parking lot. Pulled some coins from my car’s bagel change drawer and walked up to the pay-for-parking machine. It said I needed 3 dollars, but I only had grabbed $2.50. That was all the encouragement I needed to say screw it to paying for parking for a third time. Put the money back in the car, figured I’d let it roll and headed back in.
Hmm, athletic guy was gone. A new player, an older lady with fancy mukluks grunted into a seat just ahead of me. A moment later, a teenager came in and sat beside me. Clearly this was the place to be on a cold winter Tuesday. Mukluks stood up and approached the counter where she was told to try to empty a bit more and I’m gonna assume that meant piss. She said she couldn’t do it and she turned around and sat down. Younger nurse then came out and called out, “Cole” looking for the constipated kid. Mukluks half turned to the nurse and said, Yes, I am… and trailed off as she realized she’d misheard her and wasn’t being asked if she was warm enough. I felt a bit embarrassed for her, but the ornamental footwear suggested she wasn’t the kind of person who cared what others thought, so I deemed her fine and offered no sympathy.
A short time later I was called in by both my first and last name. That wasn’t necessary. Went in and followed their instructions to remove my coat and glasses. The nurse contorted me in several directions and X-rayed the hell outta my neck. At one point she went to adjust my chin and her hand slipped and sort of batted me in the face. We laughed and laughed. After analyzing the moment a bit more, I figure she assumed I had a normal adult chin which should have been in the spot where she put her hand, but it was all a hairy ruse. I’m sorry, X-ray lady. You’re not gonna find bones or muscles where you expect them on this guy.
So I left with a slight bit of reassurance that maybe we’d get some more answers about what’s going on in this neck. I chose to celebrate with some coffee and a bagel.
The Tim Horton’s drive thru was empty and I ordered a small dark roast and heavily cream-cheesed bagel real quick. $4 for some acid reflux and intense bloat? What a steal! At the window, I gave the girl a 20, took delivery of the coffee and received my change which I entirely kept. A minute later, a different girl came to the window and asked for $1.75 for a coffee. I said, No, I’m just waiting on a bagel. She closed the window and retreated. Thirty seconds later the bagel arrived from the first chick. I said a Thank you, but she didn’t respond. Maybe if I’d given her that loonie she would have. Maybe she would’ve placed the whole bagel in her mouth, unzipped my pants and placed it over my wang without using her hands. Probably not, though. Probably not.