STEELFACE
My name is Steelface. I’m 23 years old and I work as a janitor at the City’s Underground. I wipe up your toilet seat drippings and your secret under-bench earwax. My boss Jane once told me I look like a “can of smashed assholes” and I’ve never recovered. The only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is that I recently discovered that I’m indestructible. Let me clarify: only from my neck up can I not be hurt. Take a knife to my midsection and I’ll fold just like any of you assholes. So please, if you’re gonna shoot, aim high.
STRONG ARM
The name’s Strong Arm. They call me that cuz I can throw shit far. I’m real accurate too. One time I fed a parking meter from a distance of three blocks. Another time my wife was getting mouthy so I threw her purse over to Australia. I save a lot of money on stamps, but I got no friends. I like to take nasty pictures of myself and with a flick of my wrist, some random Brazilian gets a little “afternoon sunrise.”
SUBTRACTO
Near the end of the 6th grade I stumbled upon my awesome power. I was getting a math test back that I’d written a few days earlier. The mark was 25%. Upon closer examination, I saw that I’d answered incorrectly on all the addition, division and multiplication questions. But as for the subtraction questions: not one wrong. I’m now in my early thirties and I’ve never gotten a subtraction question wrong, or any other mathematics equation right. I know that ME - HAIR = NO GIRLFRIEND. So I eat olives by the jar and milk by the bag to pass time.
“We’ve all been blessed with these powers and will one day be called upon to save the World. In the mean time, we gather each Tuesday to share our knowledge, practice our skills and eat many buttered bagels. We are the talented, the special, the enlightened. We are…
The Mildly Impressive Three