Not sure how I’ve waited this long to mention it, but on the Saturday night I went down to Florida and we went out to a club, I found myself in a good old fashioned dance off. I guess as I was wobbling around acting retarded I bumped this guy’s chick in the arm. He got all pissed off and started calling me names and I screamed at him that his girlfriend was a stinky whore. He didn’t take too kindly to that. He began to motion for everyone to leave the dance floor. I guess he was friends with the DJ because it only took a complicated hand gesture from this dude to get that guy to start spinning Drop It Like It’s Hot by the great Mr. Snoop Dogg.
As soon as there was enough free floor space, he started bee boppin’ and scattin’ all over the place. The crowd cheered him on as he performed some very intricate dance moves including the always enjoyable can opener, the flaming turtle and the overreacting cheetah. I was impressed, but not concerned. I waved him off and asked Pat to hold my glasses. Joe screamed, “Play my boy some Venga Boys!” and I knew it was gonna be on.
I stepped out onto the scuffed linoleum and began to bust a move of my own. I had far too many drinks to be able to give you an accurate account of the events that transpired after that. I can only recall for certain that at one point I was upside down, at another I was shirtless and for some reason, even 5 days later, my nipples are still burning. The crowd ate it up, I think. Apparently they figured a pasty white fatty was good for nothing but formatting a hard drive, but I became a hero to those jerks that night. In the end I was hoisted high on their shoulders and placed atop a small stage where I flashed them all a backwards Peace sign and chugged my eighth Budweiser.
On second thought there’s a chance none of this happened. There’s a chance I sat at a computer the entire night and Photoshopped myself into a party picture I found on “the net.” Maybe the original source photo showed me celebrating with a bottle of Perrier after successfully formatting a hard drive. Guess that’s for you to decide…