Posts on The Fort Erie Dave Times

Pretty sure that's my lane

Thu, 27 Oct 2022 03:03:00 +0000

Oh, what a lovely Wednesday. Woke around 7 and made my way upstairs to bed. That’s right, I wasn’t in bed. No, I hadn’t spent the night on the front, side or even the back lawn, though all are logical guesses based on my unrelenting obesity and ongoing disregard for healthy life choices. I decided a while back to sleep on the couch after it became evident that my snoring was causing the wife grief. I won’t bother to mention that her recent propensity for snoring was also causing me grief, because I’d feel obliged to also say that when she snores, I’d (gently) kick her (to an unprosecutable degree) until it stopped. I don’t need y’all thinking even less of me than y’all already do. And there I went saying all those things I wasn’t going to say. Comedy!

It's too damn hot...

Thu, 05 Jul 2018 03:06:08 +0000

To write anything witty!

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Collateral damage

Tue, 20 Feb 2018 04:54:05 +0000

For the second weekend in a row I spent my days fixing, or attempting to fix shit. Mostly succeeded except that damn air bag light in my car. In addition to being well known as a destroyer of chairs, I’ve also had quite the track record of breaking heads off bolts. That tradition continued today as I went to replace a crash sensor in the Corolla. Worked on that summa bitch for the next few hours but have to concede that what started as a Barnhardt project will be ending a Mester one for he has the tools and I, I just have a terrific neck and back ache. And so I drink.

Still good

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 04:05:45 +0000

And there it was – a singular fallen cookie.

On display for all to see but no one’s buying it. Dropped there by a careless teen, no doubt. Those teens can’t do anything right. Not that I wouldn’t eat it. I would. I’d quite literally eat anything. I’d even eat a cookie dipped in ranch dressing if need be. By I’d even I mean I did and by if need be I mean unprovoked and it was yesterday and I showed everyone and it was HILARIOUS.

Sweet Caroline

Wed, 07 Feb 2018 04:47:10 +0000

We’re the proud owners of a new piano. By new I mean real old. By real old, I mean it’s covered in dust, drywall spackling and scratches and one of the feet is busted up and being held together by electrical tape. I was told I should do something about the foot asap. No shit. I couldn’t help but stare down my smiling son and grinning wife and criticize the hell out of the piano and the decision of said wife to acquire it because, yeah, I need more shit to fix.

Rhythm of my plight

Fri, 02 Feb 2018 04:45:28 +0000

Went back to the doc’s office today to see if I could get away with not paying for parking again. I did. Also followed up on those X-rays. Turns out after 41 years of carrying this bloated Barnhardt head around I’ve got a touch of arthritis in there. I can deal with that. Seems like a good excuse to drink more. More honourable at least than previous drinking motivations which included “make snoring louder,” “taking stretch jeans to their limit” and “get dat change from dat bottle return” at the height of an ill-conceived rasta phase.

I'm just a sexy boy

Thu, 01 Feb 2018 04:15:51 +0000

Someone didn’t make his breakfast oats last night. Someone had to Timmy’s it up this morning. Someone got to the right speaker after a muggle got to the left speaker but then made it to the pickup window first. Someone’s awesome! Someone’s terribly petty, but awesome.

Dude came into the hardware store while I was browsing the light bulb aisle during my lunch hour. He walked in with music playing on his phone. Loudly. Without headphones. Like he was walking into a pool party at his cokehead brother Marty’s house and Marty, on account of the costly coke habit, couldn’t afford a stereo so he asked this guy to turn it up to 20. But this wasn’t Marty’s house – it was a public store. Hey, Goober, this ain’t the WWE and you don’t get no entrance music. Now go get that lumber to make a ramp for the needy disabled kids over at the orphanage, you fucking sack of shit.

FUDQ

Sat, 27 Jan 2018 05:50:39 +0000

Ah, pizza day at school. There’s a couple of these a month and it’s a sweet reprieve from the backbreaking obligation of microwaving soup for 2 minutes for my kid’s lunch. Sorry, toilet. That extra two minutes with my butthole while I pooped and web surfed was pizza’s fault, and not in the usual way pizza leads me to you. We still friends? Yeah? Ok, good. Eat shit and live, good buddy.

I'm not buying you Captain Crunch

Wed, 24 Jan 2018 04:59:53 +0000

Went to Ottawa with the youngling over the weekend and Dave Barnhardted the hell out of it. You know what I’m talking about. Used reward points for the room, rental car and gas. Used a gift card for the DQ. Used a bathroom tug job for extra butter on my Leafs game popcorn. It was mostly a terrific time. Even the muscle burn from upwards of 38 minutes of low intensity old man skating felt good. Maybe I should exercise more. Or maybe I should vodka more. Tough call.

A long story about 75 minutes of my life

Wed, 17 Jan 2018 03:12:26 +0000

Went to the doctor’s today for a check up of the old neck which now aches on the regular. In the lot I decided I didn’t want to pay for parking, so I didn’t. Whisked myself to the front door past a silver-haired lady buying parking and a silver-haired man reversing his car about to erase her. I’d have turned around to see how that played out, but, you know… bad neck.

and the Hendersons

Fri, 12 Jan 2018 04:24:05 +0000

Ran into FortErieKevin tonight at Walmart. The Thursday night Beam. Sam, see you tomorrow. I was grabbing some non-weiner related meds, onions, sour cream, crackers and… wait a second. What are these?

Well, I do enjoy things that are pickled so I’ll overlook the absence of “Artificial Anything” and the coked up, maraca-toting, monster-cocked party bean on the label. These might go well in a heavily-vodka’d caesar. Sure.

Got home and ripped the jar open double quick. The first thing to greet my eye was not an extreme bean, but an extreme 6-inch black hair. Goddammit! Confirmed with the wife that it was a hair. Confirmed furthermore that I wasn’t a monster for wanting to consume the beans despite the hair. Confirmed.

Notso

Thu, 11 Jan 2018 03:57:51 +0000

Anyone else not at all fooled by the fake Esso that popped up across from the race track? Nice try, whoever polished up the abandoned Petro, bought a two hundred dollar LED sign and squeezed the ESSO logo onto it. The place looks like Girdy stripped it of any valuable metal and I suspect going inside would result in you getting a loose butthole and much of South America getting your credit card details.

The chicken lingers

Tue, 09 Jan 2018 03:57:49 +0000

Snowy as a summa ma bitch this morning, so it was a slow drive to the office… where I discovered there was no power because someone awesome had driven into a hydro pole. So I went for an early lunch, then played catch for an hour when I returned. The power came back on later in the afternoon, but that’s not the most noteworthy part of a day where I was elbow deep in buffalo fingers by 11:45 am.

Road cinnamon

Sat, 06 Jan 2018 04:33:25 +0000

Got talking to FortErieSam last night and reminiscing about the extensive photo collection of her slamming back wine from the bottle at various events. We both enjoy them oh so much. They’re all great, but here’s our favourite:

Sam being awesome.

I’m just gonna go ahead and post another great one…

Oops. Nope, that’s someone’s delicately shorn junk next to someone else’s delighted gaze. Let’s try again…

Goddammit, more junk. What’s wrong with my friends and what button am I pressing? Forget it.

Steep it, honey

Fri, 05 Jan 2018 04:04:58 +0000

Dropped my boy off at hockey camp this morning and headed for Tim Horton’s. Ordered a medium tea and breakfast sandwich for $5.63. Only had 20’s, so this wasn’t gonna be the window lady’s lucky day. Guess what, hun? You’re getting $21. You’re giving me the bills and coins and you’re not getting those coins back. It had less to do with my cheapness and more to do with my eagerness to get that sandwich inside me. Plus, you first handed me a large black coffee and you didn’t even say you were sorry. Furthermore, your window closes too fast for me to sit down my meal, separate the coins from the bills and hand the coins to you. I’ve left change on the window sill before, but always figure the dick behind me just grabs it. I don’t need the stress of wondering all day if you got your 37 cents.

Ear pimple

Tue, 02 Jan 2018 01:35:14 +0000

Oh, hi there, 2018. I know, I know. I’m shocked to see you too!

We gathered at the Girdlestone ranch last eve as we and our forefathers have for centuries. I packed along my good friends Pepsi, rum, ginger ale, Clamato and Clamato’s asshole pal vodka. Also packed a load of traditional Barnhardt pretzel bites made from the classic Barnhardt family pretzel recipe that I found on Google yesterday afternoon. Who doesn’t love a heavily salted and somewhat undercooked pretzel? Several folks, it seems.

Movie of the weak

Sat, 30 Dec 2017 05:34:39 +0000

I think the worst part about re-fattening myself is that my muffin top is always aggressively trying to push my pants down. It’s a constant battle to keep my belt line north of my beaver. This means that when I’m in a store shopping for vanilla-scented bath items for myself, it probably looks to the employees like I’m tucking a creme brulé bath bomb into my trousers. I’m not though and I wouldn’t dream of it. I would, however, dream of hiring a prostitute to change my oil. No innuendo there, I’d just really like to see a productive whore take a task off my list.

Sitting duck

Wed, 27 Dec 2017 18:40:58 +0000

Whenever I’m enjoying a frosty mid-day bloody caesar, I think it’s the perfect time for you yourself to enjoy a frosty mid-day bloody caesar.

Whenever I’m plowing through my 5th and 6th samosa slathered in spicy cheese dip, you should probably stick with the plate of chicken nuggets or tumbler of sliced cucumbers you’re working on.

Whenever I’m furthermore contemplating face fucking a bag of premium dill pickle chips, you should probably consider stopping by and mashing me across the back with a 2x4 so I’ll stop eating myself to death.

Lorissa's Kitchen

Wed, 27 Dec 2017 17:42:16 +0000

Currently sitting on the toilet eating some Christmas stocking beef jerky. I think I might be shocked to hear how many of you have never eaten whilst you poop. I’ve definitely eaten many a high school breakfast on this thing and I’m pretty sure some have involved a TV tray for added comfort. I can’t even force myself to call it disgusting. It’s a real time saver. There are poo particles floating in the air that will attach themselves to your food, you’d say. Well, how do you think the poo feels about the bagel-with-cheese particles?, I’d reply. Science doesn’t support your argument and you will end up quite sick!, you’d proclaim. Wait, why are you wiping your ass with $2 worth of toilet paper each time?!, you’d enthusiastically inquire. Know what, you should just leave. You’re not going to see things get better.

Blood lady

Mon, 25 Dec 2017 04:34:17 +0000

Went to the doctor’s early in November. Got checked up and sent for some blood work and a check of the old ticker. They found my blood pressure was high. First time that’s happened, believe it or not. I’m notoriously cheap, so it was probably because I was worried about getting a parking ticket. Asked the blood receptionist if the 10 minutes left on my pass was enough for her to do her thing. She said not to worry about the parking and if I got a ticket I could bring it to her to take care of. Took this to mean that she wanted me and appreciated a deep, moderately pimpled hairline.

Bumpy road

Sat, 23 Dec 2017 04:42:58 +0000

Oh, hey. How ya been? Oh. Oh dear. Pretty terrible, eh? Well, I’m back. Ladies, get your pants down and gents, get your pants way down ‘cuz this is happening… for a short while until I retreat into the sad, wretched jungle of my mind. :D (inappropriate emoji’s rock!)

So, it looks like they’re finally getting around to fixing up Dominion Road. You know, Dominion Road. For those times when there’s a chance the Garrison will be peppered with cops and you’ve had eight too many beers and need to leave the Girdlestone mansion wherever you may be. Fear not ‘cuz the D’s got your back. Joyfully pinball your rust-roofed Corolla car off the former Home Hardware, former Braun’s Suprette and former Kelly’s Auto as you take your left turn, s-curve, slight left, hard left and wide right journey home.

Of course it tipped over

Tue, 26 Jan 2016 04:59:43 +0000

My day began at about 4:25 this morning. Bladder was full. I convinced myself that it was fine and to just go back to sleep. Sooo tired. Maybe just a sip from my trusty bedside water goblet (Barnhardt’s tend to dehydrate, dontcha know…). I slowly reached for the cup and misjudged it’s location, situating my grasp 2 centimetres too far south. My fingertips began to push the cup over. In my dopey state I figured the corrective measure would be to grab the cup… with the same hand that was causing the trouble in the first place. This only resulted in tipping it more quickly. As the Smurf-blue BPA-rich plastic cup tapped on the 15-year-old Zellers bedside table, I briefly thought, Whew! No spill. Guess the cup was empty after a… and then I heard the torrent of tepid water splash down onto the hardwood. That’s some pretty good comedic timing you’ve got, gravity.

I don't think more flan's the answer

Sun, 24 Jan 2016 03:43:47 +0000

Dave Barnhardt, 39, Fort Erie, Canada

Likes
- reality TV
- potato chips
- silence
- Guinness
- bulleted lists
- discounts
- sarcasm
- staring
- I don’t know
- your mother

Dislikes
- negativity
- spite
- you

Did you know...

Mon, 11 Jan 2016 04:16:19 +0000

… that some time last year I actually Googled “how to be an alcoholic without anyone noticing”? Much the way an ambitious teenager Googles “how to join the armed forces,” I set out on a fact finding mission. I learned that if you’re going to be getting wasted on the job then you should “Keep Quiet – People tend to slur their speeches when drunk. They also tend to lose track of the volume of their voice. If you’re trying to avoid getting caught drinking, try to keep quiet and listen.” Hmm. I’ve never enjoyed talking and I’m quite good at pretending to listen. However, the article said that I’d have to stick to vodka so that killed it. I’m not a fan of vodka… nor is the roommate of my buddy from college who had to clean my puke from her toilet and vanity after a rowdy night where Barnhardt thought he could handle vodka shots. Barnhardt could not handle vodka shots. He could handle saying “I’ve gotta go pee” and never returning. Some might say he’s an expert at that.

Well, shit on me

Sat, 09 Jan 2016 01:57:53 +0000

Fucking thing doesn’t smell at all like Chinese food.

General Tao's Dry Cleaners

Wed, 06 Jan 2016 04:57:15 +0000

Woke up today and didn’t want to get out of bed. Most other days I’m encouraged by a bed wreaking of dog, a wife snoring like a trucker or a clock displaying a time that I know damn well doesn’t leave me enough time to jack off in the shower. But not this day. This day, freshly washed cotton sheets and angel soft blankets greeted my 7 am alarm. Waited until that clock showed 7:11 am… thought about convenience store hot dogs and nachos… and then had the motivation I needed to rise.

Um, YOU fucked up, not me

Sun, 03 Jan 2016 02:57:51 +0000

Went to a local Chinese food establishment yesterday that I hadn’t been to for a long while. An establishment that we used to frequent several times a week until it got too annoying to do so. It was all good and I kept the food down, but it made me remember a time that I went there, probably about 28 years ago (yes, I have a terrific memory; I would gladly trade it for decent teeth or more hair).

Pleather-dise by the gas oven light

Sat, 02 Jan 2016 05:12:17 +0000

Last night (it’s just past midnight, I know… fuck you) saw the crew get together for, like, the 17th consecutive New Year’s Eve house party. By “crew,” we’re not talking about the same crew of old. There were 100% fewer Carolan’s there than usual. About 8 times the normal number of children. And if anyone walking by was in desperate need of some brokerage (which, yes, I assume is a commodity, just like cheese), there were 5 more people than 15 years ago at the party who could’ve helped out.

Funtatoes

Wed, 01 Jul 2015 18:38:52 +0000

A few observations from last night’s romp at the Girdlestone mansion…

- Carolyn now likes hugs. She used to not like hugs. Now she does. I fixed that. To those who’ve been disappointed by her poor response to a hug in the past, I suggest you give it another go. It’ll be better this time. I promise.

- Stacey’s mother knows who I am and reads this site. Good for her. Time to ruin that. Pop quiz, Stacey’s mom… Which boobs in the below picture belong to your daughter?

Oh, jeez

Sat, 25 Apr 2015 03:30:46 +0000

Scene
Dollar store. I approach the checkout where there are no other customers. A lone female 20-ish looking cashier points me to the counter she’s working.

Cashier [Looking at me oddly]: Hmm. I think I know you from somewhere.
Me: Oh yeah?
Cashier: Yeah, I think I know you.
Me: Hmm.
Cashier: Yeah.
Me: Well, where? Like somewhere good or somewhere bad?
Cashier: Like, from school.
Me: Oh, which school?
Cashier: High school. FESS.
Me: Well, maybe if you have an older brother or sister, I could know them. I mean, you look way younger than me. I’m damn near 40.
Cashier: Oh, jeez! Well, have a good day.

Dave Beats His Wife?: 20 Years of Sex, Drugs and Rock N' Roll

Thu, 04 Dec 2014 05:36:20 +0000

No, no. Dave does not beat his wife. But if you’d read the notes Joe and Kyle held up in Grade 12 Chemistry some 20 years ago, you’d read that I did. Yes, it was 1994 when I met those guys. Terrific bastards, them both. One of them now somewhere in Europe with a girl he’ll likely soon marry, so long as he can keep up the act that he loves her half as much as he loves this web site. The other, a short 20-minute drive up the road, living the dream life and tending to all the brake, exhaust and french-fries-clogging-the-shifter problems I send his way. May none of us ever grow up too much to stop appreciating the stupid, insane, simple things in this world.

Horizon E1

Mon, 01 Dec 2014 03:02:37 +0000

After a Sunday where I ate probably twice my usual number of brownies, I thought it would be mature and responsible to get on the treadmill. And so I did.

About 30 minutes in, it starts acting up and gives me an E1 error message on the display. When it’s happened before I’ve just started it back up and it’s been fine. Even Kyle Mester’ed the thing and put lube on it, but still the E1’s. After the error tonight I turned it back on and it scrolled LUBE BELT on the display. This has also happened before, whether I’ve lubed it or not. This thing’s an idiot, I’ve always figured. Tonight I decided not to overthink it and give it the lube it was asking for. Maybe previous times I just didn’t lube it enough and it was too dry, aka the Dan Zammit. So I gave ’er a good dose of silicone, started ’er back up and walked and jogged on ’er for another 25 mins.

Put it in P

Fri, 28 Nov 2014 03:51:21 +0000

What have I been up to and how do I spend my days, you ask? It’s not worth talking about, but I will.

I get up. I get my son dressed, fed and to the bus stop. If my pathetic digestive system allows me to, I take a poop and play Candy Crush. Shower. Occasionally shave. Occasionally brush my teeth. Trim the nose hairs. Pluck some ear hairs. Apply cover-up makeup to any facial blemishes. Then head to the closet for the moment of truth.

Guess who's back?

Fri, 14 Nov 2014 21:59:18 +0000

Um, it’s me. Sorry to disappoint. You were thinking someone with fewer stretch marks? Someone with more interesting stories? Well maybe I come up short in both regards, but I do always keep my promises. Even those made almost 2 years ago…

In a little while I’ll start working on a picture that encapsulates the coming Summer. What with Shaun’s wedding and Pat becoming a father, it’ll probably be a close-up of Joe laughing while Shaun and Pat have a wrist slitting race in the background.

Happy(?) 2013(?) to you(?)

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 19:44:32 +0000

Oh, hi there. Just got back from an 8-week adventure in southern Nepal. What a place! Can’t believe I waited this long to experience all the beauty that rainforests have to offer!

That’s a lie. There aren’t even rainforests in Nepal. And actually I’ve been pretty much just sitting at home fucking my hand since my last post. There was New Year’s Eve in there to break things up where, if memory serves me, I was fucking someone else’s hand, but that’s a secret Dave Pester promised to take to the grave! Ah, shit…

Black Friday

Fri, 23 Nov 2012 03:27:15 +0000

It’s that time of year again. US Thanksgiving and then Black Friday. Tomorrow’s the day Jeff Girdlestone hunkers down. Someone once jokingly told him it was called Blacks Friday. He’s under the impression that on this one day each year his delightfully racist humour won’t go over so well. He’s wrong. While scumbags across the border are rushing the doors of the local Target for $1.49 tampons, I doubt that even a barage of Gstone N-words would be noticed. Nonetheless, he won’t be going across the border tomorrow. He’ll be cozy in his bed, surrounded by 2 toasty warm party trays and a tepid glass of rye. He’ll nap in the afternoon and wake up for an evening session of burning 10 dollar bills. After the sun has set he’ll cruise the streets for curb garbage. No, he doesn’t need a broken pair of skis, but he’ll take ’em. God bless him for cleaning up the streets and making an embarrassing disgrace of his backyard.

Crack

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 21:16:36 +0000

Our temporary visitor is a tiny dog with bones of glass. One broke the other day. He was literally in our possession for less than 3 days. We suck. And his bones suck. And this will probably happen again. We have no luck with animals. In fact, if you have any love for 4-legged fluffy things, you’ll shatter our kitchen window while we work and set them all free. I only ask that you please do not touch my cheese, my crackers or my alcohol. My life would be a little too Carolanny without them.

Deja vu

Sat, 17 Nov 2012 03:27:49 +0000

I really don’t see how this can go wrong. Thank you, dimly lit back of top shelf in fridge.

Hostess, I barely knew thee

Sat, 17 Nov 2012 03:25:19 +0000

I had my first Hostess Sno Balls on Tuesday. I anticipated an inappropriate overload of marshmallow, but God bless those Hostess people because it was just right…

… and now I hear that Hostess is closing its doors. Hopefully it’s only the US arm of the company and the Canadian division will continue to make all the tasty treats my floppy tits have enjoyed over the years. Yes, I’ve done a lot of research on this because it’s terribly important. Not quite as important as figuring out why my head pillow smells like plum sauce gone bad. Yes, I said head pillow, as opposed to knee pillow which I wedge in the vicinity of my knees, testicles and taint each night to sleep. I’m sure this pillow is miserable. One night I thought I heard it crying, but it turned out it was just me.

Happy Halloweenie!

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 03:59:43 +0000

I’m not a fan of Halloween. Pretty sure I was as a kid, but something ruined it. Perhaps it was that one year in the early 80’s when we were trick-or-treating through Crescent Park and I saw something that messed me up. Just as we were approaching a house we saw some dudes drinking in the yard next door and setting up a wooden cross. I watched them poor gasoline on it and set it on fire. No kidding. I remember it scared the shit out of me. Even if it was a goofy Halloween thing, that’s pretty fucked up. Not as bad as that drunken Halloween about 10 years ago when I dressed up as a toilet and let a woman shit into me, but pretty close.

Yes, it was expired

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 03:48:29 +0000

The other day I went into the fridge to eat everything on shelves 1 through 3, as is my usual Tuesday evening routine. Near the rear of shelf 1 I found some banana creme yogurt that didn’t belong to me. I checked the expiration date and I was a solid 2 weeks out. Had this been a flavour that didn’t sound appealing I may’ve, just may’ve let it go, but this banana thing intrigued me. I yanked a spoon out of the cutlery drawer faster than Ryan Spoar yanking his wang out of a girl’s babyhole and with a ravenous fury I sent tepid yogurt flying through the air also in a Ryan Spoar-like fashion.

You're welcome, Fort Erie

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 14:03:13 +0000

If you guys are driving your sorry asses Northbound on Concession Road and you get to Bertie Street and are caught at a red light, please take a second to gander to your left. Look at the light post. Notice something missing?

I stop at those lights most mornings and take notice of a “Parade Parking” sign that was leftover from a War of 1812 Bicentennial Parade earlier this year. Now, unless I misunderstand, we’re probably not going to need that fucking sign for another, like, hundred years, right? I also notice that the top set of plastic ties holding it in place have broken, leaving only two strapping down the bottom half of the sign. Each morning as I masturbate in the shower, I pray to myself that those ties have broken and that the sign will have blown away, out of my life for good. No such luck. Every morning it’s there, advertising parking for an event that has by now long since passed.

It's pretty late

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 04:47:19 +0000

Yeah, it’s almost 1 am and I have to wake up at 6:15 to get to the lumberyard. My boss, Mr. Johnson will humiliate me with his usual Wednesday morning request to wipe his ass with my tongue. I’ll do it, because seeing Mr. Johnson happy is the only thing that makes me happy. Well, that and hearing via Facebook/Twitter/text message that you’ve had a bad day. When you head out to your car after catching an afternoon showing of The Hobbit and see that someone’s keyed it, please let me know, because unlike you telling me you’ve just asked your girlfriend to marry you, that news will put a smile on my pimply face.

Madness

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 04:37:17 +0000

Ate some late night pizza last night and penciled in a 4 am shitsplosion, but 4 am came and went and my slumber went uninterrupted. I did wake with sweaty buttocks several hours later, but I’m not gonna blame that on the pizza. Probably just blame that on the 8 to 10 pounds I’ve put on in the past couple of months. Why have I gained weight? Same reason your Mom always compared your face to the dog’s ass – it’s the right thing to do.

Some nights

Tue, 28 Aug 2012 05:05:38 +0000

Well, I don’t have any photographic evidence because I’m an absent-minded fucktard and forgot my camera, but couple days back was Jeff and Stacie’s wedding reception. What did I not forget? An ample supply of chins and an embarrassing shortage of dignity.

Reception began around 5:30 pm for us at Ridgeway’s in, oddly enough, Ridgeway. Double rye and ginger ale’s began around 5:38 pm for this guy. Good chats with some of the old crew like Dan, Adam, Ed and Shaun “homeless 4 life” Carolan. Even had the pleasure of chatting up Nugget’s wife who, as it turns out, does not hate me. I found out that we were both at one time “gifted,” we both had no problem with me sharing her close-up booby picture on this site, we share a dislike for long drives to work and we both find Nug’s face a not-remotely-humourous degree of salty. The high resolution photograph on her Nikon I believe captured the exact moment where I realized that doing something gay like that for a laugh is not always worth it. That said, the simulated hand release I performed on Shaun at the dinner table was still a good call, in my opinion.

FatErieDave NYE 2000

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 01:55:28 +0000

BREAKING NEWS: Unearthed some new (old) pics today that has me making a correction. The photos that I thought were from New Year’s Eve 2000 must have been 1999. These are, in fact, the pics from New Year’s Eve 2000. There’s only a handful, but they’re breathtaking. I even mustered up the energy to put stupid comments to each of them. Weak, man. They’re weak. Anyway, check them out below before your boss comes around and sees you doing it. If he’s like my boss, he’ll slowly wrap his buttocks around the back of your head before farting out the drum line to Plush by the Stone Temple Pilots.

Why I am fat

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 16:41:04 +0000

This post was going to be titled Why am I fat? but one glance at the photo above and it’s clear that this post is an answer to a question that need not be asked. I woke this morning and found myself in an empty house. No one to trip over, no one to keep an eye on, no one to get to school and no one to Zammit (steal) the one remaining slab of smoked ham in the fridge.

Like an egg in a nest

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 07:02:01 +0000

Woke this morning to the sounds of my boy getting ready for school. Sure was a jolly chap at the breakfast table. Went downstairs and gave him a kiss and then sauntered back upstairs, had a sizable bowel movement, soaped my stretch marks, crow barred my rolls into some Autumn khakis and hit the road. No breakfast for this guy.

Headed on over to the MTO. Ooh, plenty of parking. Good timing, Barnhardt. Filled out the license renewal in the car. Decisions, decisions. Do I put down the legitimate mileage on my vehicle, 495,181 km’s or what the car is showing me: 185,181 km? As you faithful, desperate readers will recall my odometer stopped at 300,000 km’s, I drove another 10,000, then got it replaced, at which point it started back at zero. I decided I would proudly write in the more impressive 495,181 as the chances of me trying to sell this car one day are (unlike my waistline) slim to (just like Dan’s recent dentist visits) none.

Someone told me long ago

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 05:36:03 +0000

To the blonde bird in the frozen food isle at Sobey’s… um, do you think you’re better than me? Is there something wrong with a tubby, bearded, bespectacled, wool-jacket-wearing guy carrying around some cooking onions? You needn’t feel ashamed to make eye contact with me. I mean, it’s not like… what’s that? You’d like me to shut up so you can answer my questions? Well, go to it, doll.

Do you think you’re better than me?

Zeddy would fuck your face

Sun, 18 Dec 2011 04:17:38 +0000

To the lady purchasing the two small luggage bags in front of me at Zeller’s, when the price rings up as $50 and the regular price is $200, that is in fact a 75% discount, so you have no beef. When the counter lady pulls out a calculator to confirm this, you should probably believe her and shut your donut hole. While I have a good feeling that, in all likelihood, neither of you finished high school, she’s the one in the red shirt with the big fuckin’ Z on it, so take her word.

Status Updates

Sat, 03 Sep 2011 04:02:30 +0000

Here are some hilarious status updates I would’ve been posting if I were still on Facebook…

Dave Barnhardt just finished masturbating into a shirt and is heading for bed. Cheers, Haines.

Dave Barnhardt slowed down to give a man and his wife the finger on the way in to work today, but doesn’t think they saw it. Sorry, East Indian family in the rusty minivan ahead of those guys.

Dave Barnhardt had sex with a 23-year-old blonde, 28-year-old redhead and a 19-year-old brunette, then woke up and had sex with a take-out menu from The Barrel.

1 to 3

Tue, 09 Aug 2011 21:46:57 +0000

Youngling was awake from 1 am to 3 am last night, so I was as well. He was alternating between trying to lay down on the floor next to Kat, turning on and off the hall lights and locking himself in the linen closet. In the olden days we didn’t have a linen closet and he used to lock himself in the oven. Some times we’d go days without seeing him and then I’d begin prepping a tasty tuna casserole and oops… there’s Holden. Peekaboo, you manic no-sleep needing juggernaut.

This whole town's a pussy just waiting to get fucked

Wed, 27 Jul 2011 06:05:54 +0000

Woke at 7:45 as I do most mornings. Snoozed until 8. Decided to have a shower before the youngling surfaced. Stared at that ugly shower shelf for a while. Damn that thing’s ugly. After I carelessly remove the rubs-my-thigh-while-I-shit ill-placed terlet paper hanger, I’m coming for you shower shelf.

Got dressed and awoke the offspring. He was in a good mood so we left in good time. Before we left I created a masterpiece of crockpot goodness called Tex-Mex Slow Cooker Chicken. Set it for 8 hours as the recipe said and got the hell outta the house. Looked forward to it smelling like a candlelit Mexican villa when I returned. I leave the house each day hoping I’ll return to that smell. Perhaps tonight will be that night, I thought.

Yum

Tue, 19 Jul 2011 18:29:57 +0000

Yep, this is a half-assed post. I’m only using half of my ass. Which half? The slightly less pimply half. You know, the half with a little bit of taco meat on it. The half with the birthmark that looks like the bitch at Canadian Tire who ignored me when I said “Excuse me” and then went home where her husband Ned beat the shit out of her for not restocking the pantry with toilet paper. That half.

Guess what? Now this is happening.

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 03:21:16 +0000

The only thing I’ve learned about my new neighbourhood is that the Asian people nearby don’t respect boundaries and they love fire.

Day 4 of being in the house and the 90-year-old matriarch of the nameless Asian family across the road took a shortcut across my property to pick up her young granddaughter at the bus stop near the end of my driveway. Seemed like a harmless enough venture, so I convinced myself to not turn the hose on her.

Kilometre

Sun, 03 Jul 2011 01:18:53 +0000

I’m in my new home. Lots of work to do. Hardly anything put away. Boxes everywhere. No internet. Stealing from a neighbour. Will post again when I return to work Monday and my shitty attitude returns.

The Rise and Fall of Shitty Pete

Thu, 16 Jun 2011 13:46:25 +0000

Quick story about this one day a few weeks back. It was getting late and I’d just arrived back at the house. My unremarkable erection and I had been spending a few hours at the local supermarket trying to lure a 17-year-old cashier into my car. With the promise of killer weed I actually got her outside. At that point I revealed that there was no weed. She was visibly upset so I consoled her by directing her attention to the misplaced dick hole I’d made in my sweatpants. You see, it was 3 inches too low and the only thing visible was some upper thigh stretch marks and the tip of a single pube. Probably best that she ran away just then because I was about to unzip my red satin hoody to reveal the homemade ‘PUT YOUR SHITTER ON MY SPITTER’ mesh tank top that hid beneath. It probably would’ve sealed the deal, but we’ll never know and by never I mean next Wednesday when I’ll give it another shot.

Wild Frings

Tue, 31 May 2011 04:41:39 +0000

Off to sleep I headed last night at around 8:30. Because you’ve become a responsible adult? you ask. Nope. Headache. Sleepy. Done, man. Just done. You see, I’m off my meds, which means my thyroid is on it’s own. You ain’t gonna help me? asks my thyroid. No, thyroid. When have you done anything for me? When I had a flat bike tire that time I saw you drive right on by and pretend you didn’t see me. In fact, as I was waiting for my Mom to pick me up and I shit my pants I’m pretty sure you had something to do with it. So, no. No meds for you. What’s that? You’re gonna ensure I’m sleepy and energy-free for the rest of my days? Joke’s on you, shithead. I’ve got 2-3 years left at best. Go fuck my thalamus in the amoeba-hole.

SOLD

Sat, 28 May 2011 19:01:01 +0000

So our house has officially sold as of today and not a moment too soon. We get the new house in less than a month. New house is a lot bigger and has a pool, which means I should be discovered by unconcerned neighbours floating face down in said pool in the early days of July. Shaun Carolan does a terrific impression of Dave Barnhardt dead in a pool. Ask him to do it, if you can find him. Last I heard he was evading creditors by dressing up as a pile of shit and hiding in Dan Zammit’s backyard next to Dan’s actual backyard pile of shit. It’s hard to tell them apart, but here’s a hint: the actual pile of shit has better career prospects.

Broker, DAMN NEAR KILLED HER!

Wed, 18 May 2011 12:30:52 +0000

So as the Fort Erie gossip trees have been telling you by means of their oft-dropped whisper leaves into the sunroof of your ‘84 Jeep, Kat and I are moving soon. Closer to Toronto, you ask, with an air of logic and reason. FUCK NO! This site ain’t called TorontoDave, is it?! And it never will be. In fact, just because you even let that thought cross your mind, I’m gonna make sure we move FURTHER away from Toronto next time. Manitoba. We’re moving to Manitoba next time. It’s lovely there this time of year.

Sunny Barnhardt (1998-2011)

Sun, 15 May 2011 20:51:12 +0000

After a long fight with illness, we lost our best friend Sunny today. She was the first Barnhardt family dog when she joined us back in the Fall of 1999. She was tough and brave through all of the bullshit and hard times over the years. Mommy Katrina took unbelievably good care of you and you were an inspiration to us both to the end. You will be missed. Say Hi to Dodger for us now that you’re again by his side.

Three for free

Fri, 13 May 2011 01:13:03 +0000

Where has the right side of this web page gone?!, you’re asking yourself. It’s gone! It was there. For a while it was a random picture from the photo gallery, often bouncing inappropriately from a picture of my loving Grandmother to a picture of Joe buttfucking one of the American posse on New Year’s Eve. Then it was fake video of Shaun rear-ending a broad in a dark hotel room. And now it’s just that Frankenhooker bullshit from Calgary. It’s clear that, much like the odour in the front of my undies, things have gotten much worse here lately. I say let’s just be thankful things haven’t gone the way of the back of my undies where it’s a veritable tsunami of ass hair and pimple blood.

Winner Winner Barnhardt Dinner!

Wed, 23 Mar 2011 05:29:44 +0000

I’m not gonna lie to you. I had no business putting that exclamation mark up there. Totally undeserved. I sincerely apologize for getting your hopes up for the 298th time. Wow, have I really almost posted 300 times? Yes. Let’s all pause and celebrate the insignificance of that.

Good. Moving on…

During my 150 kilometre drive in to work today I was thinking about a money-making endeavour that would benefit both you (yes, you) and me. Go with me on this one. Okay, step 1: I quit my job. Step 2: I make this site the most awesomest, super-cool site you’ve ever seen by dumping some money and effort into it. Step 3: I charge you all $25 per month to be a member of the site, a FortErieDave Torpedo of Truth Seeker, if you will. I win because I can still afford to pump myself full of double cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes, and you win because I have the time to entertain you. Probably several times a day. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Judging by the pretty line chart below, it would seem that some of you are still interested in my brand of in-fun-tain-ment!

Smile and Frown

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 05:23:35 +0000

The other day I arrived at work and proceeded to the elevator area. A good old-fashioned fatty big-boned gal came out of a door as I stood there waiting. She had a look of frustration on her brow and was focused on her path. I took note of her displeasure as it was nice to see and it immediately brightened my morn’. All of a sudden she stopped quickly, turned around, said “Son of a bitch!” quite loudly and proceeded back into the door from whence she came. I can only assume that 30 minutes earlier she’d been sitting at her desk with a Twix bar and a Snickers that her friend Susan had given her and was having a tough time deciding which to eat. After half an hour of deep thought, she settled on the Snickers which took less than 8 seconds for her to consume and then she was up and on her way. Having walked 18 feet from her desk, the fact that she didn’t eat both treats was too much to bear and she had to go back for old Twixxy. Congratulations on your first two-chocolate-bar breakfast. Let me tell you, Tubalina, that you’ve just begun a hike down what is a long, slippery slope. At the bottom of the slope? Painful 4 am constipation and 4:30 am acid reflux. Welcome to the party, pal!

ENGAGED!

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 20:38:26 +0000

If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.

I feel like taking a poop...

Sun, 13 Feb 2011 22:49:48 +0000

… and here’s me taking a poop, straight from Holden’s digital camera.

Dummy

Fri, 11 Feb 2011 04:18:13 +0000

I went to the doctor’s office the other day.

About 5 weeks ago I was sledding with my son down a reasonable-sized hill in his new sled. I felt our path was about to involve a tree so I put down my left hand to change our direction. Sadly the only thing that quickly changed direction was either a tendon or bone in my hand and that direction was due South towards ouchville. I whined briefly about it and then when I realized no one cared I stopped and figured I’d go down the hill a couple more times and then never do anything physical again.

Hello

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 05:19:56 +0000

Ya, I kinda went off the deep end for a while there. I’m back on track. It’ll happen again, so let’s enjoy the lull.

I think we can all appreciate that if our daily lives resembled the four photos below, this World would be a pretty swell place to live…

[mla_gallery]

… as long as you’re comfortable using the word ‘swell’ when stretch marks, the year 2005 and Carolan’s are involved. Me, I’m comfortable with it all. I’m even comfortable using the term ‘blacks’ when there are blacks in the room, but it’s usually under my breath and while I’m on my way out of the room to a place with more whites.

2001: Dave Takes Up A Lot Of Space Odyssey

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 19:20:46 +0000

Lest anyone think I’m under the impression I wasn’t just as tubby back then, here’s the photo to prove it. Me at about 265 pounds and Ryan Spoar looking more fuckable than ever!

2001: A Fat Odyssey

Sat, 05 Feb 2011 05:15:49 +0000

Only one who should be smiling in this picture taken circa 2001 is the waiter who probably sold thrice his usual amount of french fries to this table.

Don’t forget to click on the picture to see it in all of it’s full-sized goodness!

Your browser does not support the audio element.

Whatcha think?

Fri, 14 Jan 2011 04:59:07 +0000

Voting has closed and the results are in…

Beard Stays, You Go

Wed, 12 Jan 2011 02:32:08 +0000

So I’m growing a beard. Seemed like something to do. Going okay, ‘cept I look homeless now. Just wanna keep it long enough to see if it fills in the contours of my neck-chins enough to mask that horror. I’ll get back to you in 2 months.

7 doors

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 19:41:24 +0000

I hate you. But you’re in luck, because I hate myself just a little bit more. Otherwise, why would I share this embarrassment…

This is a frame from my sophomore acting performance in an OAC French class presentation entitled Mes Derniere 24 Heures (My Last 24 Hours). I’ve probably spelled that wrong or left out some accents because on the long list of things I don’t care about anymore, French is #47.

Dodger Barnhardt (1998-2010)

Sun, 26 Dec 2010 15:54:20 +0000

A very much loved member of our family passed away last night. Dodger was with us for 10 years and we feel like an important part of our lives is now gone. He was always up for a good time and loved hanging out on the couch with his sisters.

You will be missed but never forgotten, Dodgie.

How I spent my yesterday (my birthday)

Thu, 23 Dec 2010 20:50:45 +0000

12:49 am – Drag my fat ass up to bed after watching Family Guy “It’s a Trap” SW Episode III parody and Robot Chicken’s SW Episode III parody. Dodger the dog has some ailments currently, so I carry him down the stairs, let him outside for a pee, then carry him back up the stairs. I go to bed.

12:55 am – I’m starting to doze off and the wife rocks the bed to get me to stop snoring. I’m pretty sure I didn’t actually emit a snore, only a slightly noisy breath, so I elbow the wife, sigh, and turn over.

Walking out

Tue, 21 Dec 2010 04:24:42 +0000

I went to Country Time to buy 3 dozen donuts the other day. Yes, 3 dozen. No, not all for me. Walked in to a location on my way in to work. Only a couple of customers sitting down and I approached the counter to survey the donut situation. A quick glance told me that the pickin’s were slim so figured I’d have to reduce my order. I had roughly counted that there were 13-14 donuts available when a female Asian employee came out from a back room.

Cooper

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 03:25:50 +0000

Dave and Crystal Pester, this one’s for you.

When I saw you today, yes, I called your son Cooper. Actually, it’s even worse as I shortened it to Coop, and said it as though we were close enough to do so. I know now, after speaking to my wife, that your son’s name is, in fact, Conner (Connar? Conor? Connerrr?). I’m sure that adding 3) Doesn’t know our son’s name down just below 1) Fat and 2) Not funny on your ‘Reasons to Hate Dave’ list that you’ve probably completely written me off as a viable friend. I deserve it.

Fucking with me

Thu, 09 Dec 2010 04:43:17 +0000

My son now randomly wakes up at 4:30 am. He wants milk and I give it to him. Then he sometimes doesn’t go back to sleep. That’s fun. Today was one of those fun days. I’ve been up for over 18 hours. That’s not fair. I need a donut.

Humourously enough, 4:30 am is the time this jackhole and his jackhole friend Jeff used to roll back into Fort Erie on cool Summer mornings as evidenced by this photo from 2004.

Iron worker

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 05:35:36 +0000

I woke up this morning and heard my capable wife taking sufficient care of a turbulent toddler morning. I snoozed. For 35 minutes. It was terrific. I’m a wonderful man.

Headed for the shower, still in a sleepy daze because fat people with questionable lung function don’t sleep well. Washed my hair, scrubbed the rest of my flabby caucasian acreage, washed my face, then stopped. I looked at the tiled wall, cocked my head and looked at the shelf containing my shower fluids and back at the tile. I couldn’t for the life of me remember if I’d already washed myself. I mean, it’s a disgusting task that you’d think would scar a man’s mind enough to make an impression, but I wasn’t sure. I sniffed my arm, but couldn’t detect a scent of Ivory Aloe body wash. There may’ve been a faint turkey gravy odour, but I’ve scrubbed for years and it ain’t coming off. Will these hands ne’er be clean?! (That’s a line from MacBeth, you uneducated muggles). I proceeded to examine the body wash scrungie and saw sudsy remnants. Ah ha. Conclusive. I already washed! Dirty deed done, I got the hell outta there. Even I can’t stand the sight of myself.

Tooth

Sat, 27 Nov 2010 18:42:39 +0000

I was thinking recently about that movie that came out a few years back called “Teeth.” That’s the poster for it there to the right. Haven’t seen the movie, but I know it’s about a girl who has teeth in her bagina (vagina). Guess it helps her out of a rape or two.

In a related story, Dan Zammit’s asshole has eyelashes. They serve no actual function and certainly the 38 rapes he’s been subject to would indicate that. I heard he uses Define-A-Lash® Washable Lengthening Mascara by Maybelline. People often wonder if maybe he was born with it or maybe it’s Maybelline. Yeah, well, the asslashes… he was born with ’em.

Bookface

Wed, 24 Nov 2010 05:13:20 +0000

Dear Facebook friends,

Hi. Long time no see. Know why? Because I don’t care about you enough to call or keep in touch. How much do I care about you? Enough to type your last name into a Facebook search while using my wife’s netbook on the shitter.

Oh, you wanna “friend” me? Great. Are we friends, because I think back in grade school you stole my Hulk Hogan stretch action figure or rubbed your sticky popsicle fingers all over my Mom’s sectional sofa. You think I forget that shit? Nope. I don’t. I remember that shit. I remember it a lot.

Why didn't anyone tell me I was this fat?!

Mon, 22 Nov 2010 05:52:11 +0000

The title of this post just reflects the fact that I now weigh 242 pounds. I haven’t been this out of shape ridiculously obese since 2001. My breathing is now clearly audible at all hours of the day. My neck and chins have become one bag-of-mashed-potato-looking mess. I’m so achy in body and mind that it officially hurts to dream. In unrelated news, Joe Carolan can now lift a dumpster full of 8 dead whores over his head and there’s a good chance they died from excessive orgasms received 10 minutes earlier while he was fucking them simultaneously. You win Joe. I never thought you had it in you.

Yum?

Sat, 13 Nov 2010 17:34:34 +0000

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you, the Nuggetoid sandwich. The history books show that between 1988 and 1991 the Zammit boys consumed 11,662 of these things. Now, the picture I took to the right is not your garden variety Nuggetoid. I didn’t have any sliced cheese so had to cut up some chunks from a cheddar brick. I also didn’t have any plain waffles, so had to use blueberry. I suppose this would be the Nuggetoid Deluxe.

My GLASSES!

Sat, 13 Nov 2010 05:12:51 +0000

Rectified some whining I did in an earlier post and got some new lenses put into these fucking frames. Now 5 minutes after I walk into any building out of the sun I’ll no longer look like a gap-toothed pedophile with moderately tinted glasses, I’ll just look like a gap-toothed fatass with a freshly bloodied goatee pimple scab, strange unkempt hair and an odour that suggests that I probably haven’t washed my pants in 10 days, possibly microwaved some bacon for breakfast and certainly unloaded thirty-some-odd farts on my drive in. A marked improvement for sure.

Shit

Thu, 11 Nov 2010 02:31:35 +0000

Heard this afternoon that Joe’s dog Sonja passed away. Pic above is of a 2003 Sonja, trying to wrap her head around the strange costumes at Joe’s Halloween party. Here she was during my trip down to Florida in 2008:

Hard to guess how Joe’s feeling right now. Gotta figure he’s pretty upset. Not a “me level” of upset, mind you. I don’t handle death well. If it were me I’d be curled up in the back of my garage, drowning in a sea of tears (the drowning part isn’t that difficult as I think one time I almost drowned while pouring vinegar onto my fries). A “Joe level” of upset could be sitting naked in front of the TV in a dimly lit room watching re-runs of Punky Brewster and repeatedly flicking the tip of his flaccid dick. I dunno.

Wally

Sat, 06 Nov 2010 04:14:54 +0000

Basically slept this week away. Oh, I went to work, but I was a cunt hair away from nodding off the entire time. Please don’t tell anyone.

Highlights of this week included eating enough Halloween candy to fill up 38 NBA basketballs, pulling what appeared to be the pube of a Middle Easterner out of my keyboard (I am not a Middle Easterner) and eating a delicious halibut burrito. That followup burrito happened yesterday when generous co-workers made a ‘rito run. It was so good that it erased the terrible memory of the cilantro burrito from the last post. I swear, I hate cilantro so much that if I ran into it on the street I’d push it down and rape it. Rape it with my misshapen and oddly proportioned wang which, ironically enough, kinda smells like cilantro.

Fuck you, cilantro

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 04:48:59 +0000

Was running late heading into work today, so figured why be 3 hours late when I can be 4? So I stopped at Canadian Tire where I saw a ritzy dude feeling up tires, two black gentleman hanging out with a white gentleman and an old dude giving me the skunk eye in the tool area. Good times.

From there I headed on up to Mississauga and stopped at a burrito place for lunch. Hadn’t been there before. Upon walking in I was greeted with a long line up and some kickin’ bass from dance music pumping into the restaurant – both good signs. I ordered my burrito (large, chicken, to go) and picked up a canned bevvy to go with. I figured I had some time to kill before I’d be asked to customize my burrito, so I headed to the washroom.

6 years of separation

Sun, 31 Oct 2010 01:39:25 +0000

Cleaning up some old files I discovered that several videos are missing from the online GMA 2004 video collection. Perhaps they were left out for a reason, either legal or ethical, but I can’t remember and it’s really too late to stop me. In the interest of having a full and accurate record of all the stuff “the circle” has done, I present them here now…

“Gone Too Far”

“Hot Dog Screams”

Damage done

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 05:43:34 +0000

Got these eyeglasses about 5 years ago and they fucked them up by adding that Transitions shit. You know, the feature where the lenses tint automatically when you go outside and untint when you come in? TV commercials show it taking seconds but the reality is that I can walk across the Woodbine parking lot, get up to the 4th floor and be in the washroom wiping the cream cheese off my shirt collar and they’re still about 8% tinted.

Royal Crown

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 04:20:15 +0000

Pet Smart seems to be having trouble with their stock of Eukanuba dog food. I needed lamb & rice wet dog food and I needed it real bad. St. Catharines store let me down. Would that ruin an otherwise spectacular Monday? Well, pretty much, yes.

Walked into the St. Catharines pet store and was greeted by an attractive early 20’s girl’s, ‘Hello,’ which I was in absolutely no mood for. Grunted something in return and headed on past. Got to the isle of Eukanuba and saw yellow signs posted everywhere. I started to read one, ‘We are experiencing shortages of some of your favourite Eukanuba dog foods…’ and then I lost interest. Continued on my way feeling almost 100% certain that the sign’s message would not have any bearing on my need to purchase some of my favourite Eukanuba dog food.

Fries day

Sat, 23 Oct 2010 04:33:41 +0000

Woke up 38 times last night to pee in the dark. Thought at one point that I may’ve overflowed the friggin’ toilet as we employ the Girdlestonian method of not flushing throughout the night. I know for sure that 50% of one of those pees missed the bowl entirely as the reassuring sound of splashing water cut out and only returned when I made a quick adjustment to the left. I’m on some prednisone to try to combat this hilarious 8-month cold/asthma/allergies/morbid obesity situation and evidently the fact that it’s a steroid has ramped up my hardcore pissing action. I’d also like to confirm that it’s ramped up my eating as it’s supposed to do, but I really already had the pedal to the metal on that front going into this.

I have a confession

Wed, 20 Oct 2010 04:48:10 +0000

This one goes out to my sweet, dear friend Joe Carolan. Dear, generous friend Joe. Joe “steroids are working for me” Carolan. Good ol’ Joey “tiny enough to fit in a hamster’s ass” Carolan.

I went down to visit Joe in February 2008. You all remember the extensive photo collection from that visit. You don’t? Are you an asshole? It’s right here. Anyway, on the way back to his place from the airport we stopped off for some extremely affordable whiskey. We had some drinks, then went out to some club deal. Drank there. Goofed around. Got Taco Bell. Went back to his place. Goofed around some more, watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force well into the night.

Smile, avert eyes; Wow he's fat!

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 03:30:09 +0000

Watched the UFC event from last night. Yikes, was that horrible! I haven’t seen anything that lackluster since I dared to watch Pat’s “Blue’s Brothers” DVD… Can ya tell I’m still upset about Pat’s “where’s my wedding pictures, dick head” comment? Well I am. I’m petty. I’m petty and I’m sensitive. Be careful with me. I’m sensitive and I’d like to stay that way.

Truth be told, I haven’t watched that DVD. I put it in the computer just long enough to grab the frame that’s posted up there. For all I know it’s terrific. For all I know Pat is hugely talented. For all I know Pat turns into Jesus at one point. I’m just gonna say that he seems to be singing to people who have recently finished stuffing their faces at the cruise buffet and whenever I’m full to the brim with salty, greasy food the last thing I wanna do is move. So what I’m getting at is that I’m pretty sure they wanna get away from this performance, but they can’t get away from this performance.

Stony shod whore

Sat, 16 Oct 2010 04:21:45 +0000

Ya know, it’s really too bad that neither my mind nor body reacted quickly enough to use my Blackberry to take a picture of this WHORE I saw today.

I was driving through an area of Niagara Falls that was undergoing construction and the road was torn up. I had to move slowly and at one point was coming to a stop to wait for a dump truck. As I slowed down, I looked to the right and saw a teen aged WHORE walking down the sidewalk and approaching the road about to cross. She walked in such a way that her legs did almost 180 degree rotations with each step, which struck me as odd but I couldn’t look away. I think this means Mommy fed her engine oil instead of breast milk. I can only imagine her cunny-juice-stained underoos were being punished like the front grill of a Lincoln in a car wash. Except rather than it smelling like soap and wax, it just smelled like underage, overused cunny.

Wish the sun would never fade

Thu, 14 Oct 2010 03:30:51 +0000

My son’s into watching Curious George and Elmo videos, so I’m always searching online for new ones to download. In these videos, as filler, sometimes they’ll cut to video montages of a deaf boy signing a message of love or a retarded boy putting a dog into a box full of glue or an extremely foreign toddler assembling his very first dead man’s switch. I’ve taken it upon myself to remove these sections as they upset my boy. He’s looking for the star of the show, not this bullshit. For good measure, I’ve also removed any dark-skinned people or references to God. It was no trouble whatsoever.

Cum guzzling

Wed, 13 Oct 2010 03:59:12 +0000

Woke this morning at a respectable hour and made some breakfast for my boy. He didn’t want any part of it and he wandered into the living room to play. I sat at the dining room table and halfheartedly said, “Come on. You’ve gotta eat something. Have your bacon or some toast,” but truth be told I was in the process of eating both for him when I said it. To hear him reply, “No!” allowed me to sigh in bacon-drowned relief and I proceeded to send my malnourished son off to the sitter and drove on to work, stopping for a cream cheesy bagel delight on the way. I should likely not live to see Christmas.

Unreasonable anger toward snakes

Tue, 12 Oct 2010 02:45:42 +0000

I’m a big stinky pussy and most of you know that. When I was young, I remember that we’d often go over to our neighbour’s place to hang out. She had a well beside the house with a grate over it. On the grass around it, there’d always be a surplus of snakes. Finding small black snakes in this area was like finding stretch marks on Spoar’s back, saffron-coloured pus on Joe Carolan’s dick or an abundance of pubes on Dan Zammit’s bathroom floor – it was a sure thing.

Where I left off

Mon, 11 Oct 2010 02:10:59 +0000

Yeah, it’s 10 o’clock, 10 minutes and 10 seconds on the 10th day of the 10th month of the year 2010. What does it mean? Well, much like my doctor’s advice to lay off the Pop Tarts, it doesn’t mean shit.

It’s been over a year since my last post and way too long for y’all to be without me. For that, I’m sorry. How am I making it up to you? By being extremely disappointing! I ain’t giving you that second epic video you’d hoped for. I know you wanted to see a montage of shocking hidden cam footage of Adam Girdlestone boning three whores or Mrs. Carolan in the shibby shack or even Shaun Carolan actually working all set to the theme from Dukes of Hazzard, but it just didn’t pan out. I’ve talked to some experts and those three things are just never going to happen.

OO

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 21:35:19 +0000

At work on the counter next to the pizza stand is a display of spices for your choosing. I regularly partake in several of them, despite not really knowing their proper title. There are two toppings that I always skip…

I was at the food area the other day, ordering up a delicious bowl of tomato rice soup, one of their better soup offerings. I looked down the counter to the end where the pizza slices are served up. I saw a pony-tailed man receiving a slice from the server. He turned to the topping display and I saw the son of a bitch’s eyes light up like he’d just seen his first cooter. As he lifted the bottle I was in shock. He was thrilled about putting olive oil on his pizza.

Cater

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 16:33:51 +0000

Driving to the babysitter’s this morning I felt an itch on my left leg. I went to scratch it and felt an obvious bump between my pants and leg meat. I kinda freaked out and started mashing at the mound to kill whatever was trying to impregnate my flesh with it’s devil seed.

Being less careful than I should have to not ditch the car and kill myself and my beautiful child, I continued to pound my pants and work the mound down and out the bottom.

TF

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 02:51:11 +0000

The other day I stopped at the Royal Bank in Ridgeway to deposit a cheque. As I walked into the front vestibule (underused word of the century) I saw that one of the two ATM machines was in use by a middle-aged man. An elderly man stood some 10 feet or so back from the other one and he turned in my direction when he saw me come in.

The man signalled me over to him with a finger wave and a glint in his eye worthy of an other Worldly wizard king. Well, an other Worldly wizard king wearing a Chrysler baseball cap. Nonetheless, he spoke in a gentle tone when he said, “I’m not too familiar with these machines. Do you think you could give me a hand?” I said, “Absolutely.”

Fast weiner

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 22:38:26 +0000

Hey, without being prodded or threatened to do so at all, I’ve posted a more thorough account of Samantha and Kevin’s wedding from April. I even dusted off the hilarious comment generator, again, without provocation or an angry talking to in any way, shape or form.

Now click on the pic below to see the gallery and your Sunday will be an unnoticeably happier one.

The Agony of That Kid's Defeat

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 02:18:33 +0000

Been sick for a few days, alright? Back off. Get your own sore throat.

Had a few stops to make yesterday on my way in to work…

Dropped my son off at the sitter’s in Ridgeway. As we waited for her to come to the door, I noticed a fly or two and a bee around my legs. I looked down and saw a mangled frog lying on it’s back surrounded by blood and worms were coming out of it’s mouth. I presume the worms were the frog’s last meal, or maybe someone had staged the whole thing. Anyway, I kicked it aside with a powerful Barnhardt wallop that sent it flying a good 20 some odd inches away. Froggy made me think back to the time I was cutting grass at my Mom’s and I came around a tree and before I could stop I rolled over a sizeable frog that was sitting there. When it came out the other side of the tire, it looked 100% the same as when it went in. So either it flexed all it’s muscles and walked away a bit later unscathed or the 650 lb tractor (and perhaps 230 pounds atop it) turned the frog’s innards into a frog innard smoothy and it was later eaten by a neighbourhood kitty. You believe what you want to believe.

Pussy Shirt Epic

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 03:56:43 +0000

I made the life-altering decision this morning to wear Blacky – my favourite black polo shirt, but a shirt with an issue. A little while back I was throwing a cat down some stairs and she scratched me. This resulted in a thread hanging out of the shirt near my left nipple (or at least where my left nipple should be; I’m certain it was placed carelessly).

So anyway, that thread become a small hole in the shirt, which I was well aware of when I commenced my dressing ceremony this morning. I put a white undershirt on and Blacky on top. Sweet baby Jesus, I could see the white shirt through the hole.

Put your hands together for Lola, the road maintenance whore

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 16:05:02 +0000

On my way in to work, I believe I saw a stripper/weed whacking girl on the side of the road. What did she see? A fat nerd in a grey car taking her picture with his Blackberry and an old guy in a white Malibu* beating his dick like it owed him money.

*Please someone, correct me if that’s not a Malibu in the picture. I don’t want to make mistakes here. Not like this. Not like this.

No son

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 02:50:16 +0000

Anyone else have a dream last night where Jeff Girdlestone was getting beaten by his mother about the face and buttocks with a large metal beaver whilst father Girdlestone hummed No Son of Mine by Genesis? No? Just me. Probably for the best.

Finished watching the new Transformers movie. Didn’t like it. Not a fan of the new look of the Transformers at all. Part of the appeal of the original toys and cartoon was to say, hey, look, dude’s armpit is actually a tailpipe or hey, that odd robot has antenna legs. Now you can’t make out shit. It just looks like a big mess of belt buckles and screwdrivers. And how about the part near the end where someone’s silhouette appears and they throw popcorn on someone else. Blocks out half the picture. You think they would have fixed that up before releasing it.

Ideas

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 18:40:38 +0000

I’ve got a few ideas buzzing around in my head for ways to revamp the site. I won’t share any of them with you because I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Needless to say, it’ll have to involve an easier way for me to get content on here. All my spare time is occupied by my most valiant attempts at becoming an alcoholic. I’m doing fairly well at it, thanks for asking.

The Bride has spoken

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 20:49:54 +0000

Re-edited the Beam wedding post again to re-inject some goodness. Now I’m gonna go re-inject some cheddar cheese into my stomach.

Peace. Love. Barnhardt.

Screw You, Taxpayer!

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 16:17:27 +0000

Hmm. Updated that last post after receiving some hate mail about my photo comments. No problem, I’ll just go back to eating lots of stuff and talking about it. No one gets hurt that way ‘cept me.

GALLERY: Kevin and Sam's Wedding

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 10:44:34 +0000

[mla_gallery]

Open Bar

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 05:07:08 +0000

Sam and Kevin’s wedding was yesterday. Reception was terrific. Saw people I hadn’t seen in 15 years. Lots of great food and plenty of booze. Photo gallery coming soon.

Highlights:

Luc and Mike performing an awesome acoustic rendition of Lost Together
Sean Ball – no man has had this good an evening without being able to open his eyes
Vince the bartender – your rye and ginger’s changed my life
Maria’s Catering – when you put sausage next to meatballs, I’m not gonna get excited about the sausage; when you make that sausage maple flavoured I want to have sex with your face
Dan Potyok travelling the longest distance to be there and despite my line of questions about his kill count, he decides not to remove my spine and shove it up my ass
ten minutes into catching up with Rob Sykes he ends our chat abruptly when he realizes he’s missing out on some killer weed in the parking lot

When all was said and done it was about 2:30 in the morning and Adam G offered to drive me home. I remember getting home and getting out of the car and that’s about it. Analyzing the whereabouts of my clothing and several other items, I think I can piece together what took place.

Kijiji

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 03:10:05 +0000

About 3 months ago, in the final bitter cold onslaught of Winter, I came home to a sweet sight at the curb. The neighbours across the way had lodged a big screen TV in the snowbank where it awaited the trash man. I came into the house and pushed past my wife and child to look out the front window to gaze upon it again. Could the frosty plastic fellow be worth saving?

5 star post

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 03:48:46 +0000

Went to the bank machine this morning to take the last precious 20 dollars from my account and I encountered an old male customer. As I queued up behind him he briefly acknowledged me then went back to working on the machine. I say ‘working on the machine’ because spending the time he was at the fucking thing he must’ve been trying to reprogram it or Google something. Perhaps directions back to his shitty apartment where his wife would nag him to fix the ceiling fan again. I glared at the back of his neck and pictured it exploding until he finished up and left a few minutes later. I did my business, ripped my crisp 20 from the machine and was on my way.

Imagination Land

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 03:17:38 +0000

Woke to my child staring me in the face with a smile. I stared back at him with my usually pimply, plump, puffy and miserable mug. I think the apple fell far from the tree and then hitched a ride far, far away on the wings of a graceful butterfly with wings of Oreo delight.

Drove to work with $1.30 in my wallet. How was I gonna maximize this? Turned the corner in the 1st floor corridor at work to see it was quiet in the land of the vending machines. I dove for the chocolate-covered almond dispenser and gladly parted with a loonie. I was chain swallowing the 10 or so tasty nuggets when a coworker happened upon me so I was forced to slow down to a human pace. I’m sure if he’d seen my gorging it would have ruined his opinion of me being a 4-minute mile kinda guy.

No more buns

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 03:57:27 +0000

Today was another day of eating and fathering.

I took Holden to the grocery store because Daddy needed some milk and salad. Holden was having a glorious time being carted around. There were several attractive ladies and I noted that they weren’t having their hearts melted by my beautiful offspring as they normally would. Holden had turned himself in the cart so his head faced away from me. At one point I said his name and he turned my way and I saw that he had what can only be described as a milk-puke goatee. He also had some curdy globs on his jacket. I wiped it all up quickly. I guess that’s why we weren’t “picking up.” It couldn’t have had anything to do with my morbid obesity or general lack of appeal.

Today

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 05:29:58 +0000

Hmm. Last post was quite a while back. What’s happened since then. Let me see… Had all but $10 of my tax refund go to Kat’s tax owing, grew another chin, had my horse put down, created a terrific french toast-bacon-sausage-syrup sandwich which I consumed publicly and I received a new Blackberry that permits me to watch episodes of The Office in the shitter at work. I’m sure all of your lives have been far superior.

Fresh meat

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 06:00:09 +0000

I never did post any pics from this past New Year’s Eve. For continuity’s sake, click the thumbnail of some of my 2004 neck pimples below to see them.

And be sure to read all of my captions. I’M HILARIOUS!

Moose

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 22:49:50 +0000

Next time you see me enjoying a tasty beverage, it’s the perfect time for you to enjoy a tasty beverage too!

You'd better hope and pray...

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 05:25:32 +0000

Hahahaha. That’s funny. That’s real funny. In fact, it reminds me of a story…

It was early 1996. My cousin Zak was visiting from Sri Lanka. Zak’s IQ is 65 and he’d been “off the grid” for some time. I once asked Zak to fully explain what “off the grid” means and he responded by running across a field and slamming head-first into a tree. When I caught up to him he had a bloody grin on his face and was just beginning to shit his pants. I’ve always found Zak to be nothing short of hilarious.

Count me out

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 06:39:52 +0000

Woke at 7. Snoozed until 7:41. Fixed myself up until 8:23. It didn’t help.

Went downstairs. Tended to the animals. One last look at my disgusting self in the mirror. Out the door at 8:35. Car didn’t want to start, but it did. Exhaust smelled like Yoda’s taint. That can’t be good.

Arrived at work to find the entry gate now opens just a little bit slower once the self-loathing security guard decides to press the enormous I’m-a-button-pushing-sack-of-shit button in their shit-eating booth. Glad I have another second and a half to hate you each day.

Alfred Lamb

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 20:05:06 +0000

My mouth smells like a dead hooker’s vagina. Evidently it doesn’t look much better either as I forced Kat to take a flashlight to it. Not sure what’s going on in there but every surface is tender and even gumming a slab of velvety cheddar is like chewing a handful of nails. This could be a way of my body telling me not not eat so much, but I’m not listening, much the same way my body didn’t listen when I asked it to not grow lady tits.

It's gonna blind you

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 22:12:39 +0000

I awoke from my slumber today and felt 54% worse than yesterday. Decided to take a sick day. Phone rang off the fuckin’ hook so glad I didn’t try to sleep. Ate some bacon and been taking it easy. Have gotten little accomplished except filling my usual jizz kleenex trash bin with snotty kleenex. Nice to throw ol’ trashy a curveball from time to time.

While I was taking it easy, figured I’d polish up the tail end of the Dark Knight video and YouTube it. Tragically, after spending an hour uploading it, I’m told that the 13-minute video is beyond their 10-minute limit. Glad that info is buried deep within a help page that I didn’t see. So I split it into two and resent it. All’s well. \\ I’ve since removed it from YouTube for no good reason. ** DB 2020 **

Angry, Whopper

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 04:57:19 +0000

On the recommendation of some friends (who are absolutely aware that I’m fat and enjoy eating) I stopped at Burger King to take down one of them Angry Whoppers today. Ironically, they don’t have them any more, so I had to settle for a normal Whopper… which made me angry. Well played, Burger King. You made yourself a powerful enemy today.

I was taking a pee in the public washroom at work this afternoon. The room was empty aside from myself and I was at the far right urinal with a wall partially concealing my girth from others. Mid pee, I hear a dude come in mumbling to himself as though distracted and possibly reading, but certainly heading in my direction. Only thing that crossed my mind is that he was so focused on whatever the fuck he was doing that he wasn’t going to even look up to see that the urinal was occupied and I would wind up with his dick on my back.

F. Packer

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 02:52:41 +0000

Well I guess that post a few down there is wrong: Times are not so different. I mean, the price of gas is back down around 70-75 cents a litre. That’s pretty good. ‘Old Grey Beard’ (the grey shirt that won’t die) hangs in my closet only a notch or two past my daily wearables. He could show up any day now!

What else? Well, there’s Joe. He’s clearly not insane and at the recent New Year’s Eve party I didn’t see him drink a drop. In fact, he may be at his creative peak what with the Dark Knight trailer and all. I think we can expect more greatness from that greasy bastard!

Happy 2009(?)

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 22:32:35 +0000

Let’s start the new year off right. Here’s a masterpiece from the minds of Joe Xavier Carolan and Patrick Zeus Carolan. I’ll also take some credit for piecing it together. Enjoy!

GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2008

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 17:12:53 +0000

[mla_gallery]

Pimple sleeve

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 18:42:37 +0000

No, this isn’t that meaningful update you’ve been looking for. Just dropped in to say, “Hey. How ya doing?”

You can now go back to your day. Thank you.

The times they are a... becoming quite different.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 23:00:35 +0000

Remember the good ol’ days…

When gas was under 80 cents. When Ryan was fat and jolly. When Shaun was single and bitter. When we didn’t know if Jeff was gay or not. And when I wore that grey shirt everyday, was often bent over and was always surrounded by dudes. Yep, those were the days.

They were also the days when Joe wasn’t insane and didn’t drink. See?

Why so serious?

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 05:28:59 +0000

It’s been quite a while since I had a day where I saw so many people whose faces I wanted to smash in. Mainly these people were in Wal-mart. Actually they were all in Wal-mart except the guy who was driving the same speed as me in the next lane as I drove home from St. Catharines. Now what would make me have such a day? Nothing, ‘cept my usual messed uppedness in the head. Think it was just one of those angry days when I’m best to lock myself up at home and watch Hannah Montana reruns.

In the year 2000

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 01:44:06 +0000

Today I discovered some footage of myself at work from 8 years ago and that’s a frame from it above. It’s horrifying. At the same time it beautifully captures this Barnhardt tipping the scales at an all-time high of 265 pounds. This was about November of 2000, shortly after I’d decided to use misuse some hair clippers on my dome. It truly seemed like a great idea at the time as I stood in the dimly lit washroom of a small 2-bedroom bungalow I was sharing with Andrew.

Flammable urine in your face

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 19:35:16 +0000

I’m a little out of shape as you may’ve noticed. I’ve been having this neck pain for some time (seems unrelated to that wicked ice fall I took in Buffalo in early January). Went to the doctor on Thursday and he sent me for an Xray and some blood work yesterday.

Standing in line at the lab, the lady ahead of me turned and smiled. She was older. Short hair. Possibly a lesbot. I looked down and saw her wearing some special socks. I wished I had special socks.

Safety 1st

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 03:57:28 +0000

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Jeff's BBBQ (the extra B is for BYOBB)

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 03:59:53 +0000

Here’s all the life-altering pictures from Monday night’s barbecue at Jeff and Stacie’s place.

SPOILER ALERT: Samantha’s “all wet” and Adam Girdlestone is ass-up!

Click me for the photos you antidentite bastard!

Crapper Entertainment

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 21:45:34 +0000

I’m in the crapper at work. The lowlife gentleman who sang that beautiful “pussy fart” song the last time I was in here is about 5 stalls down. He’s on his cell phone with someone named “Sharon.” He’s telling her that he’s “at work” which is either wicked funny or tragically truthful. He just asked if his “friend came by,” which I’m gonna figure means his hash dealer. I hate this place.

Hmm. That was weird.

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 05:09:49 +0000

Got a call around 8 pm from Jeff. He screamed something about free popcorn and the Holocaust and then slammed down the phone. I thought I should head over.

When I got there I saw Jeff, a grown man, dressed as a poplar tree (with a modest-sized cut-out through which his naked wang protruded) running around his front yard. He was sweating profusely and throwing dead batteries at kids who rode by on bikes. I rushed over and grabbed the Easter basket full of AAA’s from his hand. He got angry and called me a “fuck cloud” which struck me as neither an insult nor a compliment. I knocked him over the head with my shoe and rolled him into his fish pond to cool off.

GALLERY: Jeff's BBBQ

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 00:46:20 +0000

[mla_gallery]

I kissed a girl and I liked it

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 03:59:44 +0000

Sorry, here’s the FINAL “build” of Joe’s action figures…

The finishing touches: My glasses, laptop and Aaron Zammit (second from the left). He’s the youngest and, yes, my favourite of all the Zammits. Why? He ALWAYS smells like cinnamon.

I’m off to bed. Busy week so far highlighted by the winning of a free play on a Lotto 649 ticket. Thanks go out to the Asian woman who screamed “FREE PLAY!!” after processing that ticket through the blue Lotto box. You made my week, lady.

Can kicking & Toy making

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 00:10:53 +0000

Back in ‘95 I would piss and moan about how Joe “The Dream” Carolan was no longer in high school and I was. While I had to drag my obese ass in every damn morning to that loathsome shithole, Joe would spend his day whistling a gay old tune and kicking a Sprite can around Crescent Park. It didn’t seem fair, but I somehow was able to suck it up and put it all behind me.

Screw You, Gladys!

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 03:43:57 +0000

I gave the finger to an old lady today.

We had to make a trek to Welland this afternoon. We were a bit early for our appointment so decided to stop at Tim Horton’s in a strip mall parking lot. After coming out of the drive-thru, I made a left turn across an exit route and saw a Buick coming my way. I noticed the driver slow down so as not to T-bone me and I raised my left hand as if to say, “Sorry for the bother and I appreciate you not killing me and my family.” Her response? She slowly shook her head from side to side in disapproval and gave me a shit-faced frown. My reaction? A gentle open left hand quickly became the middle finger. I flipped her off and giggled demonstrably as I did it. I took great satisfaction in it which is why most consider me a terrible human being.

Peace out to Nurse Sloth

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 23:19:04 +0000

So we had a nurse at the hospital who was a wicked cunt and it didn’t occur to me until a day or two ago that she looked like a female version of Sloth from The Goonies. One of this whore’s eyes clearly was lower than the other and it didn’t have the energy to open all the way, much like this bitch didn’t have the energy to not be a worthless prick. Though I must say when she inserted 4 fingers into my wife, she was a true gentleman.

Quick glimpse

Sat, 24 May 2008 05:39:30 +0000

A quick couple photos of Baby Barnhardt (name to be revealed to the press soon!). Just ran home for a sec and am heading back to Welland. Why? Because I want to see if an out-of-shape fat guy with glasses who’s been awake for almost 21 hours can drive into a light standard. My money’s on light standard!!

It's a ... BARNHARDT!

Sat, 24 May 2008 04:25:02 +0000

After a long day, the newest Barnhardt finally arrived. He entered this world kicking and screaming via C-section at 8:28 PM. He weighed in at 8 lbs 2 oz and all tests show he already is better than you in math and karate. Deal with that!

Mom is fine, though damn sore. Dad is also fine, though no one cares and won’t for some years to come.

Baby is so far quiet and in all ways awesome. He remains nameless for tonight. That is all. God bless us, everyone.

Popsicle

Fri, 23 May 2008 19:20:02 +0000

Progress has slowed, but Kat’s still smiling. They say if things don’t pick up in the next couple of hours they may have to do a C section. Think the justification is that, according to the doctor’s notes, there’s a 40% that the fetus is “the size of a fuckin’ Subaru.”

Cool.

Shove it up your G damn SPINE!

Fri, 23 May 2008 17:20:03 +0000

Well, contractions were getting brutal so epidural went in about 30 minutes ago. Last I checked Kat was smiling, which is a marked improvement from an hour ago when she was frowning at me and calling me a worthless shithead.

Sploosh

Fri, 23 May 2008 14:25:02 +0000

Kat’s water broke about 45 minutes ago, so this shit’s goin’ down. Probably no posts for a little while, unless I want to go straight to hell.

Morning

Fri, 23 May 2008 12:00:03 +0000

We both slept well. Back at the hospital now and the drip is dripping. Hoping for some progress in a little bit.

G'night

Fri, 23 May 2008 03:02:30 +0000

Well, baby’s still in there and it’s off to bed. Looks like tomorrow’s GO TIME!

Definitely maybe

Fri, 23 May 2008 00:25:02 +0000

Well the gel got something going. Maybe overnight as we’ve decided to ride this out at home where Kat can take a warm bath and partake in a tasty quarter chicken dinner.

Welland pt. 2/?

Thu, 22 May 2008 21:55:02 +0000

Back at the hospital. Kat’s experiencing some discomfort. Waiting for another assessment by the giny doc shortly…

Home

Thu, 22 May 2008 18:05:02 +0000

After a delicious lunch at the brother-in-law’s we’re back home. Everyone is resting until we must return to the hospital in 2 1/2 hours.

I’ve just delivered my crud child and to my surprise it’s neither boy nor girl but something dark coloured and foul smelling. I believe it’s what Dan Zammit would call ‘shit.’

Update: It turned out to be shit twins. Who knew?

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Induction

Thu, 22 May 2008 17:10:02 +0000

I was induced with bacon about 10 minutes ago and expect to be going into poo labour in about an hour. It feels like it’s a poo girl.

He's staying in

Thu, 22 May 2008 16:20:02 +0000

Still no progress. Have to go back to the hospital for 5. Eating bacon and trying to nap until then. As for Kat, I’m gonna have her change the oil in my car.

Forcible entry

Thu, 22 May 2008 15:00:03 +0000

Gel is in. Let’s hope this starts something.

In other news, I’m a bit parched and could use a burger.

Nothing

Thu, 22 May 2008 13:05:01 +0000

No news. Well, I just peed if that counts, but I’m sure it doesn’t.

Checking In

Thu, 22 May 2008 11:50:01 +0000

At the hospital… Let’s see if anything happens!

Posting from the road?

Thu, 22 May 2008 01:22:40 +0000

Yep. I’ve reached a whole new level of nerdity and can now post here from my Blackberry. So whether I be taking a dump in a Norweigan airplane hangar or bustin’ caps in a whore’s kneecaps in the Arizona desert, you’ll hear about it as it goes down.

Seriously, keep an eye here tomorrow as I’ll attempt to give you live baby updates from the hospital room, waiting room or washroom as I clean vomit from my shoes.

Corn Dump

Sat, 17 May 2008 18:35:01 +0000

Been a while. No post. What’s the deal? I was eating.

So our expectant child is now 1 day overdue. I’ll have to speak with him about this when he arrives. Can only imagine he’s in there trimming his nails or fiddling with his glasses. Anyway, nothing to report now except that if he ain’t out by Thursday they’re going in after him.

Since I last posted I think I’ve gained about 20 pounds. Kat’s gained about 3. I couldn’t let her win. My bitch-tits are blossoming and there’s no end in sight. My diet consists mainly of cheesy bagels and Passion Flakie’s and sometimes they merge into a heavenly sandwich. I have a newfound enjoyment of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, fake “fruit” sticks and Pop-Tarts by the handful. I’m now wheezing at the level of someone thrice my age and raising the soap to my gut this morning caused a muscle pull that I can’t quite work out. Why do I tell you all this? To make you feel 100% better about yourself. You’re welcome.

Climbing Mt. Algebra

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 01:06:05 +0000

I had a teacher in grade school who was garbage. Leading up to my year with him, I often heard that he was hated. I assumed it must’ve been due to his Selleck-esque mustache or his Old West leather vests, but I would come to learn that it was because he hated fat children.

It was the Summer of ‘87 and a young tubby kid (me) was dominating Grade 5. The other kids cried at my overpowering achievements in spelling and if I recall correctly I was taking Grade 12 math. It was all so easy and breezy until it came time for the yearly outdoor adventure.

4th of 18

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 01:51:07 +0000

I guess I’ve subjected you all to enough of my turtle-covered wang. Let’s move on.

I’ve had very little time to write anything here lately what with my hectic schedule and long commute love affair with Burger King. Do you know you can ask them to hold the onions and add extra pickles? Well, you can, and it’s absolutely divine.

Went to the dump yesterday. Had some shit from the basement that I really felt the environment could better deal with than I. Broken speakers. Old table. They’re biodegradable, right? Hey, not my problem.

Fagina

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 03:37:24 +0000

Wendy’s called me today. Evidently they’re upset that I made it impossible to think of anything but a torn up crotch when looking at a Spicy Baconator. They let me in on their initiative to rename the Baconator the Torn Up Spicy Crotchonator, and I gave my approval.

Truthfully, Wendy’s should be proud that they’ve come up with a sandwich that can universally be described as looking like a sloppy pile of woman junk. Even my Mom refers to the pic as “the photo of the greasy axe wound.” God love you, Mom.

I tried it.

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 13:34:11 +0000

After a couple weeks of being badgered by co-workers, I’ve forced myself to try the Spicy Baconator. The verdict? It’s fucking terrible.

I took a picture of the greasy fucking mess. Check out the shine on this fucker!

And what’s with the friggin’ bubble in the bacon? I mean, I’m just angry about the whole experience. Damn all of you who pushed me into it. Damn you to hell.

Turd burglar

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 02:31:16 +0000

My Mom almost chipped a tooth on a walnut shell in a cookie. I was probably 9 or 10. She sent the company a letter to complain and a few weeks later a courier delivered a suitcase-sized box of various cookies. Until my wedding day I’d considered that the best day of my life.

That’s apropos of nothing but it was a memory that crossed my mind today. Speaking of which, you know how they say that your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die? Well for whatever reason, and it’s probably chocolate bar-related, I can’t get my life to ever stop flashing before my eyes. I spend hours and days thinking about life 10 and 20 years ago. I gotta think this means I’m mentally retarded, which sucks because then I gotta face the fact that I’m retarded AND fat.

Stinky and the Magical Measuring Tape

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 04:32:43 +0000

Stopped on the way home at Home Depot to pick up some chair rail for the baby’s room. Went in, measured up the wood and cut it. Pretty quiet in there so no one got in my way. Very nice. I found my way to the checkout and waited behind a couple who had some appliances and a cart full of stuff. About 2 minutes passed and I moved ahead as the couple left. I rested the 5 lengths of wood on the ground and the fun began.

Free fallin'

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 05:01:41 +0000

Well, what’s new. My Knight Rider video is up to over 5,000 views on YouTube. That’s pretty cool. I hope to get a call from Hollywood any day now. Umm, let’s see. This site is now blocked by my company’s firewall. That’s a pretty big shame. Normally I’d kill 3-4 hours a day working on posts here but now I’ve gotta squeeze something half-assed like this in between walking the dogs and dropping a deuce. We all suffer, really.

Frosted Snakes

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 15:20:35 +0000

Well I guess those videos have been simmering here long enough. Hope y’all enjoyed them. The Knight Rider one has been watched over 2,400 times on YouTube, so I guess I’m just a little bit awesome. Yay me! Cheers to Joe and Pat who wrote, directed, produced and shot it, all in about 20 minutes under the sweet Florida sun! Jeers to the young lady at the pool who cut short my poolside masturbation scene.

Enter Sandman

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 23:10:20 +0000

Hot on the heels of last week’s Hasselhoff revival in Knight Rider 2008, we now present Baywatch 2008. Enjoy!

Turbo boost

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 03:40:02 +0000

Well, well. Look who’s back. Yep, me. Where have I been? Right here, my friends. Been doing nothing at all but growing a goatee. It’s exhausting. Almost as exhausting as trying to explain to Kyle that there’s no such thing as a cure for gay.

Oh, hey, check this out. I found a trailer for a new Knight Rider movie that’s coming out. It seems to star a young John Candy… hey wait a minute… THAT’S ME!

Hey where did we go?

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 01:36:49 +0000

Dave goes to Florida. Does he die? Well, he’s back at work so what do you think, asshole?! Click on the picture for all the photographic evidence!

Stepped Up

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 23:15:28 +0000

Not sure how I’ve waited this long to mention it, but on the Saturday night I went down to Florida and we went out to a club, I found myself in a good old fashioned dance off. I guess as I was wobbling around acting retarded I bumped this guy’s chick in the arm. He got all pissed off and started calling me names and I screamed at him that his girlfriend was a stinky whore. He didn’t take too kindly to that. He began to motion for everyone to leave the dance floor. I guess he was friends with the DJ because it only took a complicated hand gesture from this dude to get that guy to start spinning Drop It Like It’s Hot by the great Mr. Snoop Dogg.

Volleyball

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 19:14:22 +0000

I played volleyball with a toddler on Sunday. That was cool. I think he got hurt pretty bad.

Local idiot goes to Florida, gains 20 pounds, encourages dogs to shit and females to vacate beach

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 01:48:24 +0000

Just returned from my Florida weekend. Damn good times. Have many photos and some stellar videos to share. Off to bed right now. Thanks to Florida Joe, Florida Pat and Calgary “Hamster Dick” Matt!

GALLERY: Florida 2008

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 17:08:14 +0000

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Saturday night robo-post

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 02:21:50 +0000

Not around right now. Haven’t posted any of Beth’s wrestling domination in a while so here’s her latest RAW match. She makes fun of Mickie James for crying earlier. I made fun of Mickie James for crying too but aside from that one eye-level tile in the shower I don’t think anyone saw it.

Cletus Flies A Plane

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 00:28:32 +0000

So I was supposed to leave for Florida today. Weather ruined that. Flight was canceled. Nothing left all day or tomorrow morning. Re-booked for tomorrow evening.

Southwest airlines customer service lady Peggy had a deep Southern accent. She was helpful and seemed sincerely sorry. The next dude had an unintelligible name and an even deeper accent. He acted like he was making a huge batch of deer jerky and was in a rush to tend to it. Last call was to a soulful woman named Linda. She was efficient without being overly gracious. My requests were all met and she even gave me a giggle by pretending the adjustment of my return flight required senior approval. Oh Linda, you are a magical delight. I hope when you get home your husband treats you to a choke-free Friday. You’ve earned it.

Cigar cutter

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 16:44:49 +0000

In a former life I was a cigar cutter living on a remote mountainside in Europe. Everyday I’d have a basket of berries and cheese delivered to me. Having no digestive system, I told the delivery boy “No thanks” and asked that he not waste his time visiting me. He acknowledged that he understood, but each day would return as though we’d never had that discussion.

A few years went by and I felt my springs weakening from age and lack of use. I decided it was time for one final cut.

39 pages of bullshit

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 17:47:56 +0000

During my brief stint as a worthless human being in late ‘95, early ‘96, I had a notion to write an autobiography. It was going to be called “This Mind of Mine,” because at the time I thought I was smarter and better than everyone. I now realize that I may not be and that coming up with such a title proves I’ve got problems. What was this book going to be about? I suppose it was going to detail my late night sub feedings and the time I ate two Burger King chicken sandwiches and threw up. It was probably going to conclude with the tale of me eating 3 full tubes of Pringles and then (again) throwing up. The preface would later be written by my future college roommate “Poobag.” He was going to write about my first ever experience with the “Century Club” drinking game where the grand finale saw me run to the washroom and throw up. You know, the more I try to mock myself here, the more I think this is a fabulous idea. The book is back on, baby!!

You should have had a sub

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 17:42:20 +0000

Assembled the garbage the other night and found myself with one large bag of refuse that wouldn’t fit into the garbage can. I lost a couple hours of sleep over it, but I was eventually able to drift off once the rye kicked in.

Woke the next morning and prepared to head off to work. As I stood in the driveway, I took a look next door and saw that they only had one small can of garbage at the curb and neither of their vehicles were present. I looked around to be sure no other neighbours were watching, said a couple Hail Mary’s and hastily tossed the bag by their driveway. I then got the hell outta there. Everything seems to have worked out just fine. I mean, everything worked out fine for me but the Baltic hooker I had stuffed into that bag might have quite a different tale to tell. A different tale indeed!

1969

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 04:05:36 +0000

Back in the Summer of ‘69 I got into a fight with a girl. I wouldn’t say I’m proud of it, but it was pretty awesome. Right when she thought she had me, I headbutted her. Knocked her out cold. Her Mom came over and started hitting me with a broom just as I was about to start pissing on her daughter’s stiff teenage frame. She was right to do it.

Creamy Dave

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 03:34:04 +0000

Woke this morning and put on my Monday’s finest. Headed out around twenty to nine. Planned to stop in the Falls for gas but started day dreaming of what I might smell like on the inside and ended up driving right by. Stopped a bit later on in Beamsville where I celebrated the frigid weather with a coffee and bagel. I tipped the girl 4 cents and drove away with my head held high.

Just chillin'

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 03:59:10 +0000

Took a few days off because I got stuck in the freezer. Opened it up for a frosty snack and thought I saw something waving at me from behind the ice cubes. Reached way in and got my watch stuck on the tray holder. Dogs, cats and wife walked by me a good 60 to 80 times and none of them cared to dislodge me. None of them owe me a thing, so I wasn’t really surprised.

I'm raw meat

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 03:39:42 +0000

I had a dream last night. I was driving a very large pickup (it was a British model as I was in a right-side driver’s seat). I was taking my Mom and brothers out to buy a humidifier. We went to a store where an inconsiderate salesman gave us the run around and refused to help us. I told him off and then told the family that we should go somewhere else. We headed outside and loaded ourselves into the truck. As I was getting ready to pull away, I saw the salesman approaching my door. I said, “Well, here we go” and exited the truck ready to throw down. The guy was quite animated and explained that he doesn’t make much commission on humidifiers and that’s why he wasn’t paying us much attention. That part of the dream ended and I then found myself driving the pickup around a carnival or circus. I’d look all this up in a dream book, but it’s certain to suggest that I’m gay. Let’s just say I’m gay and save me the time to find that book.

The Barnhardt Under The Stairs

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 01:16:21 +0000

This, the fifteenth of January on the 2008th year of modern days began early in the village of Fort Erie. I woketh at 4:30. Took a showereth. I plowed down a small tub of heavily-sauced macaroni salad in the car. I drove 20 minutes to the gas station where I quietly polished off that tub and disposed of the container in the garbage. No one will know my delicious secret but you. Please don’t tell anyone. Doc says I’m supposed to be limiting my mayonnaise intake. Doc also says that thing on my back is a “serious concern” though I’m pretty sure it’s just a bit of Crispy Crunch. You know I like the Crispy Crunch. Used to be my favourite until Skor came along. Where did you come from, Skor and where were you when I needed you most? Off practicing your badminton skills, huh? Well where the heck did that get you? Exactly nowhere if I’m not mistaken. But cheer up. You can still lay hardwood with the best of ’em.

Thanks for the love. Put it over there.

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 02:55:09 +0000

To the guy who cut me off on the highway: Hi. How ya doin’? Oh, hey, guess what… your wife has syphilis. How do I know? How do you think I know? Do I really think she deserved it? I dunno. I don’t concern myself with those details. Have a good night and say hello to your whore daughter for me.

Another day at work, another 8 dollars in the bank. I high-fived three people today and you all know who you are. You all should probably realize that I spent the better part of the morning pulling black fluff off my wang. That’s pretty disgusting, I know. Being me isn’t fun. It’s a flabby, stinky thrill ride, but that doesn’t really equate to “fun.”

Yeah, it is cool

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 03:59:42 +0000

Enough of the stupid McDonald’s stories. Enough whining and moaning about furnaces, a little winter cold and going back to fucking work. Everyone has expensive shit to buy for their house. Everyone gets sick. And every fucking person I know (aside from Tampa Joe) has a job they have to go to. What the World really wants to know is about the real me and just why I’m so awesome.

I park in dark places and do bad things

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 06:29:04 +0000

My bi-yearly McDonald’s coupons came today. They were waiting for me when I got home, so I grabbed them, pushed past my wife and ran into the bathroom where I tore into them like an eager child on Christmas morn'.

See, what I do is go to McDonald’s and get the two-can-dine deal. Do two dine? No. Just me. I go to a McDonald’s location where I won’t see anyone whose opinion I value. I order a Big Mac meal with an ice tea, then give a thoughtful pause and proceed to order a Quarter Pounder meal with a Diet Coke (I figure the two vastly different beverage choices will throw the counter person off my trail; if I feel they’re not buying it, I lean in and deliver a, “Ya know, the wife likes the Diet Coke” and this seals the deal). I conclude by throwing them the two-can-dine coupon as though my financials don’t really demand that I use it, moreso that I’m a considerate consumer who wants to support their marketing campaign. I then take both the meals and waddle rapidly towards the car.

Back to school

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 13:26:48 +0000

So it’s my first day back to work this morning since Dec. 19th. Oh what a glorious day that was. I had my second “on the house” Christmas lunch at work and Carolan, Barnea and New Year’s Eve parties to look forward to. I didn’t have any Christmas shopping started, but did have a few solid empty days in which to do it. I knew that until this day, I would drive no further than St. Catharines, and by the hammer of Thor I’ve kept that promise.

Head mucus Saturday

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 03:29:48 +0000

Went to No Frills today and ran into good old Dan Zammit. Near the pork loins, we discussed life, love and shared our favourite cookie recipes. He promised to come over later tonight to do my hair, but I gotta figure he was lying because it’s just me, some sinus pain and the dogs.

Picked up some veggie burgers at M&M’s. No, I’m not a vegetarian and no, I don’t like guys. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course, that’s what Jeff said when he kissed Scott, so I should look for a better argument. Anyway, seemed like the longer I barbecued the burgers, the more like dead monkey scrote they looked. Barnhardt-sized portions of ketchup and mayonnaise couldn’t make them enjoyable. So I grabbed the Heavenly Hash fudge I got in my stocking and went at it like a lion on a gazelle. Then I felt better.

Average bear

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 03:09:17 +0000

Woke to find that I’m now smack dab in the middle of a terrific illness. Throat, sinus, head. Yep, as good as it gets. To celebrate, I did nothing.

Visited the monster horse briefly this afternoon and did some shopping with Kat. Came home and she whipped me up some Buffalo fingers which sadly contain no Buffalo and no fingers. They do, however, provide an extremely efficient delivery method for unhealthy amounts of blue cheese, so I approve.

516

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 04:00:47 +0000

Woke this morning to hearing my cell phone ringing at 7 am. Two calls from a 516 number. No message. Don’t know who you are, but thanks for almost ruining my slumber. I hope when I didn’t answer you ran outside and stepped in front of a school bus. The result? Your body was almost unrecognizable. When the sobbing kids ran from the bus, one of them slipped on your body fluids and landed square on your nards. Then he laughed. Then he threw up. Then he took your wallet and rode his bike to Zellers where he had to buy his Mom some tampons and microwave popcorn.

Sure, let's do this

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 01:40:36 +0000

New furnace install was completed today. The guys left about 11:30 am. Around Noon I heard a sound coming from the basement. Went down and the furnace told me to come closer, so I did. All of a sudden it manipulated it’s ducty appendages and bent me over with little effort. It then, well, violated me. I was beginning to feel like I was getting it up the ass, so I suppose it was fitting that I finally, literally, did. Wasn’t all bad. The furnace gave me a courtesy reach around about halfway through and at the end I was handed a small bundle of chocolates bound with ribbon. What colour ribbon? Red. I know, I know. I was speechless.

Good times at the Girdlestone mansion

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 17:19:40 +0000

After taking a year off from the usual New Year’s Eve debauchery, we once again gathered the masses, this time at the new Girdlestone pad. Check out the pictures by clicking on the erotic Stacie-on-Homer action up top!

GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2007

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 16:24:26 +0000

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Top 7 of 2007!

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 13:00:01 +0000

It’s the time of the year for lists, so here are my picks for the top 7 items on this site from 2007. READ ON!

#7 - Bald Girdy

Yes, Jeff thought it was a little uncalled for (seeing as he isn’t actually this hairless), but it still puts a smile on my face. And really, that’s the goal of everything I do here: to make people smile and to make myself look like the double-fudge sundae eating moron that I am!

I have no hot water

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 01:27:07 +0000

Day One without hot water is really not going so well. It’s almost 9 pm and I still haven’t gotten cleaned up. Sure, I could take a drive to my Mom’s and take a shower, but who’s gonna keep an eye on my Dorito’s? And I have no where to be tonight, so I’m not too concerned. What I am a bit concerned about is the smell. I’m producing an odour that can best be described as that of a very old bike tire full of rotten cream cheese.

Trip to the "washroom where you get to see my dick" place

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 07:05:15 +0000

Back from the Barnea where I saw many a high school mate. Shout out to them all: Allison, Luc, Kevin, Dan, Beam, Bill, Bessie, Amy, Adam, Brian, Sean, Mike and the not-from-high school Jeff, Stacie and Sam. Almost didn’t go. Glad I did.

Holiday sum up: Birthday went well. Another year older, only moderately fatter. Christmas was good too. Reasonable amount of food and no major family incidents. Boxing day was none too shabby. And the best day of all was yesterday when I did nothing. Still off work until the 7th, so I hope for more nothingness to come.

Merry Christmas to all

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 02:43:42 +0000

So here it is… Merry Christmas!

Hope everyone has a good day tomorrow. My plan is to eat breakfast. Open some gifts. Open some more gifts. Eat lunch. Take a nap. Eat dinner. Open more gifts. Then home to bed.

For now, we’ve got all the gifts wrapped so I’m just in the middle of my yearly obligatory watching of It’s A Wonderful Life. Did everyone see the original, uncut ending? Well, I present it here now!

A Festivus for the rest of us

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 21:45:15 +0000

You know what, I gotta take back my suggestion that Jeff might like guys. This photo from Festivus 2004 demolishes that theory. Unless he was drunk, but I’m pretty sure he drove, so that can’t be. Yep. Gay.

We haven’t celebrated this greatest of days in 3 years. Check out a few pictures here. That night we gathered at the Spoar loft for some drinking and feats of strength, including the hotly contested “pole twist”:

Happy Birthday to me!

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 00:41:23 +0000

My name’s Dave Barnhardt. I’m 31 years old today. I weigh 227 pounds. I’m 5'11". I like Dorito’s, milk, fast food and anything containing nougat.

You wanna hang out some time? No? Why not? Well that seems fair. However, I am going to have to eat you.

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Breakfast

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 16:12:18 +0000

Here’s a picture of the breakfast in bed I had a few weeks back when Kat and I spent a couple days at an Inn. No story to go with it, I just felt this site was lacking food pictures when it really is my one true passion in life. Well, that and para sailing.

GALLERY: GMA Gathering 2007

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 22:29:02 +0000

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I'm the Women's Champion

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 17:17:44 +0000

In slightly-less-shocking-than-Girdlestone’s-man-kiss news, I now possess the Women’s Championship belt for the WWE. Due to my bust and gut size, the WWE recognized me as a woman and sanctioned a title match Wednesday night. Rather than having to wrestle, we ate cookies and Beth didn’t stand a chance.

In all serious coolness though, that is the actual belt that Beth takes to the ring. And no, it did not actually meet in the back. Behind my girth is Pat pulling with all his might to keep it in place lest Kat’s head be taken off.

I think my friend is gay

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 17:57:23 +0000

When I woke up today, the first question I posed to Kat was, “Am I retarded or did Jeff kiss a dude last night?”

Oh sure, he’ll claim it was the alcohol, but the raging hard-on that accompanied this peck would tell a different story.

Anyway, more pictures to come. I gotta go to the store to buy some milk and tomatoes.

My ass is RAW

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 04:55:42 +0000

So we went over to Buffalo to see RAW last night. Beth was supposed to wrestle, Joe and Pat were supposed to come out as security guards and Dave Barnhardt was suppose to not get a concussion. None of these things happened.

Kat and I headed over with Dan and Beam at 7:15 or so. SLIRP ed some free parking near the HSBC arena and started walking. Encountered some deep snow. I decided to give it the old Barnhardt switcheroo and leaped daintily through it and onto the sidewalk. That’s all well and good, Fathardt, but what about ice? Well, yeah, I forgot about that. I slipped, caught some sweet air and landed hard on the sidewalk. What do I remember? Goretta screaming, “Oh my god!” and Nugget trying to lift my wallet while I was down. Good times.

The Brittle Barnhardts

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 13:00:54 +0000

It was Christmas day back in ‘99 and we were cooking our turkey at my grandmother’s next door. As I was bringing it back to our place I felt a fantastic burning on my foot. You see, I was wearing socks and sandals. The burning was hot greasewater splashing out from the roast pan. The sock was soaking it up and holding it against my skin. I picked up speed, but wasn’t about to abandon the turkey. I rode it out, got back to the house, then began to get emotional. A trip to the hospital where they gave me some cream and called me a loser and this Barnhardt was back at home sucking back turkey gravy like Coca Cola.

Kyle

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 03:06:53 +0000

I’ve been asked if I’ll be the first one of “the circle” to have kids. My answer has been, “No, but I’m the first normal one of the circle to have kids.”

Way back in ‘94 Kyle and Joe first began their onslaught of torment. It was chemistry class and the room had stadium-style seating. They sat in the row ahead of me and every day wrote notes calling “Barnhardt” a drunk and a wife beater which they then held up for me to see. I giggled a gap-toothed giggle like only I could and several times looked like quite the fool. But it was hilarious and I appreciated their effort and creativity. It was one of a limited number of humorous moments among what was an otherwise tiring 5-year obligation. It also acted as a catalyst for my growing disinterest in school, but that all worked out for the best.

Do Not Bend

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 15:50:31 +0000

It’s already bent, Beth. It’s already bent.

Thanks Beth! You’ll be happy (and outraged) to learn that this picture immediately replaced our unborn child’s ultrasound picture on the fridge. In fact, I’ve removed everything on it but this picture. Why? Because when I visit the freezer for my nightly routine of dipping Dorito’s into icy mango sorbet, I want you to see me do it. Is that weird?

And I appreciate the envelope. Kat and I are now considering naming our kid “F’n” just cuz we like the looks of this:

A "little" announcement...

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 02:32:25 +0000

Video kinda speaks for itself… GAME ON!

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BREAKING NEWS: Another sighting plus an interesting twist!

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 16:21:03 +0000

I took a break from work to come home to let the dogs out. As I was walking around my backyard I felt a disturbance in the force and looked over in amazement to see our hero with another case of white Lucky skillfully tucked between his legs while pedaling for home, salivating over the first piss warm Lucky he was about to enjoy. No grocery bags were visible, he was all business this day. The suspect was on High street heading towards the school district, no doubt a place where he experienced very little success, so he must have altered his route based on his new found celebrity.

Mommy. Is that a whale riding a horse?

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 05:37:56 +0000

The Amusement Park - Part Two

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 04:44:30 +0000

With a variety of roller coasters to choose from, we go to the first one we come upon – “The Bat.” A ride that first drags you backwards up a ramp, lets you go until you end up forwards on a parallel ramp where you stop. You’re then let go to experience the same track backwards. We line up for the ride in quite a lengthy straight line which winds and winds until we are herded into twenty or so lanes where we wait for our turn to have some fun. To diffuse any anxiety about the ride, we talk and joke to one another. When the coaster pulls in and thuds to a stop, I quickly examine the looks on the riders’ faces. They vary from small children almost in tears and full of regret to grown men either laughing at the pitiful ride or faking this very well and using all their strength to avoid regurgitating in front of everybody. I run to my seat and hop in. I pull the rubber brace over my head and press it to my chest. I assume and hope that there is some form of metal at the core of the rubber or else its purpose is unclear. As the ride commences, we are pulled backwards and up a steep slope. I decide to take off my glasses and hold them like a vice. The coaster reaches the top and clicks to a stop. The riders hear and feel the brake release and we all hurdle towards the base of the incline. I am ashamed to admit that by this time I have closed my eyes and now only know the ride as a series of jerks and bumps. With each sharp turn, I picture one of the constructors of this evil pleasure device being too lazy to go to the ground to pick up a rivet vital to the stability of a supporting pillar. Oh, sure, he saved some time, but this thing’s about to bend like a twist tie. Then, we stop and I know that we must travel backwards. The sequence of physical distress is reversed but with the added element of having my face mangled by the force of gravity. The ride is over. I slap on my glasses, fogged by the sweat of my hands and try to mould my hair into some semblance of what it was like before. I seem to be the only one visibly staggering down the exit ramp. At the bottom, I’m greeted with the surprise that they took pictures of all of us during the ride. That’s great. There is physical evidence that I had my eyes closed. After some mocking by my so-called “buddies,” we decide to grab a bite to eat.

The Amusement Park (a 12-year-old story written by an 18-year-old halfwit) Part One

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 21:20:30 +0000

It’s early in the morning. It would be completely unbearable if it weren’t for the fact that all sense of fatigue and lack of power are drowned by feelings of excitement and anticipation. Summer has taken hold though just three weeks old and the day of school and intense heat is now ruled by the latter. Each day is filled with the search for a new way to entertain one’s self, and one is never disappointed. For, during these couple months of the year, kicking a pop can around town is a suitable replacement for productively attending school for the remainder of the time. Today, however, a notable event will be taking place. We take a trip to an amusement park. The park of all parks, Canada’s Wonderland.

Uncle Angry

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 05:18:34 +0000

We used to go up North to a cottage where we’d meet up with members of the extended Barnhardt family. There was Aunt Judy who was a whiz with campfires. Uncle Dan who bought me my first fishing reel. Oh, and I’ll never forget Uncle Angry with his unbeatable left hook.

Uncle Angry had a short fuse. He would take me to the beach to look for shells and when I showed him one that he thought was too small, he’d call me a fag and throw sand in my eyes. One time I saw his attack coming and tried to run, only to have him chase me down and hold my head under water ’till I shit my shorts.

Owned

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 02:13:28 +0000

Watched Beth on RAW last Monday night. When the match ended, Beth retained the title, her opponent Candice was unconscious and I retired to my quarters to pleasure my… just watch the damn video.

Idiot Loses $40 US in Online Gambling

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 15:32:50 +0000

Friends always assumed he was too cheap to go through with it.

FORT ERIE (CP) - If by ’tight’ you mean the kind of man who turns his heat down in January should the sun happen to briefly peak through the clouds then Dave Barnhardt is listed under the nomenclature. Anyone who has ever experienced the shock of his automatic light timer cutting the juice to the living room lamp the second the clock strikes 9:59 PM knows that he is more likely to splurge on Dairy Queen without matching wits with the cashier than to turn to the lusty thrills of Online Casino Gambling, right?

Bacon

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 01:12:55 +0000

Geez. You’d think Shaun would’ve stopped for a beverage. But look at ’em. Still going at it over there. Still going… aaah… it’s beautiful. It’s a beautiful thing. Almost as beautiful as…

How 'bout a cup of shut the hell up?

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 04:32:39 +0000

Barnhardt needed to get the Corolla’s oil changed, so Barnhardt stopped by good old Bill’s Toyota early this morning. Left the keys with the half-naked Puerto Rican receptionist, gave her a knowing pat on the ass and headed into the waiting room.

Tuned the TV to CP24 for all my Toronto-related news and headed to the coffee machine to whip myself up a cup. It’s one of those single serving coffee makers that’s manufactured in some country where people are still burned at the stake but they really know a good cup of Joe.

ELE

Sat, 13 Oct 2007 16:22:28 +0000

So a year ago and a day, this happened:

I left for work around 2 pm and it had started snowing. When I got home around 9:30 all hell had broken loose. That’s the willow tree at my Mom’s place. I spent a lot of time in that tree. One time I worked on a colouring contest for Easter as I was perched amongst its inviting limbs. A contest that I would end up winning. The prize? Breakfast with the Easter Bunny. Did I go? Well, no. I’m not really a morning person.

The Sea Was Angry That Day, My Friends

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 05:40:37 +0000

I drove to work this morning beside some jackass in a Hyundai who was far too happy to be alive. He was tippity tap tapping away on his steering wheel, presumably to a song he particularly enjoyed. He wore sunglasses and smoked a cigarette as he coasted along about 5 feet behind an 18-wheeler. I hoped the transport would slam on its brakes and decapitate this douche bag, or at least cause him to drop his smoke. Then I started thinking about it more and considered that he may be listening to a self-help tape that was encouraging him to continue on living despite being afflicted with a spastic wrist. I started to feel bad so I turned up the radio…

Shocking Dan/Mel Wedding Photos!

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 14:46:42 +0000

Yep, they’ve all been posted! Enjoy many classic family favourites including…

Check ’em out NOW!

You think you know, but you have no idea. This is the diary of Beth Phoenix.

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 19:10:45 +0000

Friday, September 28th, 2007

I’ve been given at least two good reasons to go gay today: 1/ As I was poking fun at Dave, our obese friend, my eyes caught sight of what can only be described as a greasy hurricane of lard beneath his first chin. I’ve never been so disgusted by a man in my life, and 2/ We took a walk on a trail in the woods. I stopped to tie my shoe and when I looked up, everyone was gone. I searched and searched to no avail when all of a sudden this curly-haired girl jumped out and attacked me with a tongue that seemed to go on for miles. I succumbed to her charms and we made passionate love as woodland critters rejoiced. I think my days with Joe may be numbered.

Three things containing a lot of alcohol

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 22:38:26 +0000

No one should be eating this much potato salad for breakfast

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 11:46:05 +0000

How long can I stall? 'Till Christmas. Probably 'till Christmas.

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 05:53:35 +0000

If I keep posting one picture at a time...

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 02:31:51 +0000

… I might be able to keep this site interesting for the next 5 months!

Phhhht

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 03:53:50 +0000

I just got finished having a heated argument with the house next door. In the argument, I was called a “douche” and a “shit,” but never did I stray from addressing the house by its given name, Sandeep.

So amongst my frequent frenzied food binges, and 6 hour commutes, I haven’t been able to get the Friday night wedding pics up yet. Allow me to whet your appetite…

I call this one “Tonight, You’re The Horse” and it should have you sitting on the edge of your seats!

Double A

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 20:58:45 +0000

Andrew and Autumn got dressed up and found corn? That can’t be right. No. No. They got married. That’s it. Sorry.

I’ve been eating too much corn.

GALLERY: Dan and Mel's Wedding

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 18:27:23 +0000

[mla_gallery]

Success

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 04:14:12 +0000

One time I was parking my car before a Tragically Hip concert in downtown Hamilton. The lot attendant was directing me into my spot and clearly had orders to cram as many cars in as possible. I got far closer to the neighbouring vehicles than my Mother would have liked to see her Topaz get and as I left the car, I looked back to admire my parking job and grumbled about having to put so much effort into it. The attendant said something back, probably along the lines of, “I’ve seen better,” and I loudly returned, “FUCK YOU!” Now let’s realize that I was probably about 18 with very little desire to live. Also, there were 3 or 4 guys with me. Had I been solo and had a more positive outlook on life, I likely would’ve walked down the road to get the guy a coffee before taking him home, blowing him and then driving his sister to the airport.

They got married?

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 13:48:56 +0000

This is Brad Kalwicki. You may recognize him from a Classmates.com advertisement often seen while using Facebook. Brad received no money for his participation in the ad and when asked about it, was inconsolable.

Brad went to school in Rockford, Iowa. He had a chiseled physique and was encouraged by his parents Elda and Steve to pursue a career in athletics. Brad was unable to focus on any organized sport as his affinity for young boys overpowered him. He was also mildly retarded and incompetent academically, but he did have a penchant for racist humour that was the stuff of legends.

I just sharted

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 01:15:45 +0000

While I’m mopping this up, watch Beth from Sunday night’s Unforgiven PPV:

And while this may seem to be quickly turning into a Beth fan site, trust me, there are many more house centipede-esque stories swimming around amongst the bacon images in this fat head of mine!

Camels

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 19:15:18 +0000

Delicious destruction.

Isn't he a dreamboat?

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 00:49:33 +0000

One day I was eating marshmallows from a garbage pail when out of one of the mallows crawled a house centipede. In the past I’d always erased these critters quickly, but I’d just gotten over a nasty bout of food poisoning and his charismatic gaze melted my weakened heart.

It told me the story of a snowy December afternoon when it watched Back to the Future for the first time. Mischievous little guy had snuck into the theatre where he cozied up to a fat man’s Kodiak and fired up a Dunhill. I asked him if he shared my feelings that BTTF was one of the best movies of all time. He said he couldn’t agree more and we shared a smile.

I'm five pounds of jello in a two pound bag

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 03:10:37 +0000

I’ve added the ability to fullscreen all the videos on this site. It’s on the bottom row of the video player at the right. I suggest you hit it. Hit it like you’re hitting your wife for not making enough macaroni and cheese.

If it doesn’t work for you, either you’re an idiot or you don’t have the latest Flash Player. Get it. Get it like you’re getting the keys to the car and threatening to leave your wife for the whore down the road. The whore who appreciates the value of a quality plate of mac and cheese.

Evil

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 03:27:43 +0000

I found out there was no Cheez Whiz left in the house and even then I didn’t unleash this amount of rage:

Beth wins the Diva Battle Royal!

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 03:35:30 +0000

So last night I quickly consumed a slice of pizza while Beth quickly kicked ass in the Diva Battle Royal at WWE Summerslam. Pretty much equivalent levels of intensity.

Since I don’t have footage of me eating the pizza, you’ll just have to enjoy this:

(I imagine Beth has the same look on her face when she’s walking down the street with Joe and sees that he’s about to get hit by a car. It’s the promise that something excellent is about to happen.)

Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolly...

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 19:41:48 +0000

So I gave Joe from Kentucky a call last night. Sounds like he’s doing good. I do have to question his mental state though. When we spoke, he’d just finished a full day’s work on a shot-by-shot remake of Stand By Me starring his dog Sonya as Chopper the junkyard dog, his left testicle as Teddy Duchamp and a crude crayon drawing of me played Vern, the fat kid.

Riding Lesson #1: The Day After

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 16:00:22 +0000

So a brief update: I’ve got back pain, limp legs and a nose full of snot. I’m gonna assume they’re all related specifically to my riding lesson from last night and not an impending heart attack or 30 years of neglect.

Much thanks to my buddy Owen from the Niagara College “Real World” house for his depiction of last night’s event:

Only thing missing is my enormous, sweaty helmet and better definition on my man jugs.

Fat man, little horse

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 02:47:00 +0000

So I took my first horse riding lesson tonight and evidently I’m a “good student.” You’re damn right I’m a good student. How else would you explain the 100% I got in Grade 10 keyboarding or the 98% I got in Grade 10 Computer Science, neither which I real man should be proud of?!

Only thing hurting at the moment are my back and ankles. Tomorrow morning I expect to add legs, neck and scrotum to that list, followed by spine and kidneys tomorrow night. Just takes 30 minutes of exertion to realize how outta shape I am. Guess this means that bicep curling a heavily-buttered bagel won’t cut it as a morning workout.

Gay Billionaire Dates Hot Chick!

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 01:21:22 +0000

Here’s a picture of Kat and me from Andrew and Autumn’s wedding last night. I’m pretty sure everyone will agree that I look like I own 15 oil wells, 20 helicopters, several professional sports teams and have a small dungeon in my backyard where I take “hot guys” to blow.

The semi-tinted glasses, pink vest and tie, questionable hair style and shit-faced grin can only lead you to the obvious conclusion that I’ve hired a sexy brunette as my “beard.” And you’d be absolutely right.

They

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 13:24:49 +0000

One time around 1994, Joe and I were at Wendy’s in St. Catharines with, I believe, John Geiger. We were on our way out and loading ourselves into John’s Chevette. I decided I’d had enough of my tasty beverage and as I sat my fat girth down onto the back seat, I discarded my drink cup onto the pavement. Before I could close the door, the people returned to the car parked next to us and the gentleman (who’d obviously seen what I did) looked me square in the eyes and said, “Did they teach you that?”

No Whopper

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 16:10:54 +0000

Yeah, um, so there is no longer a Whopper Wednesday. I found that out the hard way. It didn’t stop me from buying a Whopper, but I certainly didn’t enjoy it as much.

I'd like to buy you a Coke

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 17:45:01 +0000

Whew. Guess I blacked out there for a few days.

So it just occurred to me that it’s Wednesday… Whopper Wednesday (on this wonderful day a Whopper combo can be had for only $4.99!). I’m now a little more alert than earlier as images of a shirtless and lifeless me peeling my sweaty backfat off the couch and wiping wonderful Whopper sauce from my man breasts float around my head. I might stop at Wendy’s to buy a Baconator and force it to watch me consume it’s far tastier cousin.

Flotsom

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 00:10:08 +0000

So I took a shit at work today. First stall was no good. Opened the door and saw poop on the floor. “Oops, I guess I wasn’t done” poop which had then been smeared around in a celebratory manner. I love having movements at work and releasing them in the public washrooms. It really gives me a chance to see just how civilized I am when compared to the average track visitor. The sounds coming from these fuckers is awesome. The moans of sheer terror like they’re passing a toaster with a tasty sesame seed bagel in it haunt my nightmares.

Chamber of secrets

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 15:38:44 +0000

So last night I found the Wizard’s key. Turned out it was right where the Elf lords told me it would be – in the freezer next to my monster-sized Kit-Kat.

I took the key and put it into the lock. The chamber opened and inside I found a large jar of chunky peanut butter, two litres of homo milk and a Bic lighter. Not knowing what to do, I called Ryan Spoar. He suggested I put on my tightest jeans and “head on over,” but I failed to see how that would help so I pretended we had a bad connection and hung up.

Sleepy possum flies

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 02:44:25 +0000

I rode a horse (briefly) yesterday. I did (not) shit myself. I may just (have to) do it again.

Cocoa dump truck

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 13:27:06 +0000

I drove to work yesterday and for the second time I could swear I was right behind an 18 wheeler full of cocoa. It smelled like cocoa and residue on the side of the truck looked like cocoa. I’ve gotta believe it was cocoa. It’s very important to me to think that large quantities of tasty items are transported in such a carefree way because that’s the kind of world I want to live in.

I think he took that guy's wallet

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 02:07:37 +0000

A quick note to the Petro Canada woman from Sunday afternoon: Next time I buy something for $1.13 and give you $1.25, realize that I won’t accept just a dime as change. You dig your fat grimy hand into the register, your purse, your fat husband’s asshole, whatever and FIND ME TWO PENNIES! And don’t think for a second that this is over. Next time I need ice and pay for two bags, I’m taking three. That’s right. Suck it.

My lovely lady lumps

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 03:33:15 +0000

School camping trips were excellent. I remember in grade 6 or so we went tent camping. It was great except for almost losing a finger. The other kids were cutting wood for a massive campfire and I wanted to join in. I taught the teachers a valuable lesson that day – don’t let the fat geek touch a hatchet. Only upside was getting escorted to medical assistance by the blonde whore who I presume was the fuck buddy of one of our grizzled teachers.

Fly puncher

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 01:52:19 +0000

Thursday I worked.

Friday I worked and ate pizza with the nieces and nephew.

Today I yelled at the nieces and nephew for being children and spent a large sum of money on horse wear.

I now go to bed as I’ll need all my wits about me to plan my next move in this game called life.

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Sink soup

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 00:50:41 +0000

So Beth made another appearance on RAW Monday night. Didn’t wrestle, rather she escorted Melina to the ring. Think she was still the showstopper though after seeing what she was wearing. In fact, she looked so good that I’m not even posting the whole match, just the intro. Check it out:

Very nice Beth! Not since the following picture was taken have breasts looked so good in a red shirt!

Skin tag

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 02:49:50 +0000

Another glorious day in Barnhardtland, highlighted by a visit by Canada’s own Chris Hickey at the office. He fed me foul smelling yet delightful tasting candies and sent me off with only the best of wishes.

Really an otherwise uneventful day which I choose to end now. Good day and good luck!

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We built this City

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 02:17:33 +0000

Woke up this morning at 4:30 am. I remember a time not so long ago when we’d just be getting home at that time, but I digress.

Made it to work for 8 am. I don’t often see the Woodbine at that time of day. It’s a magical place where light bulbs give off a powerful vanilla aroma and door knobs are filled with heavy cream. Actually it’s no different from later on in the day except elves in blue shirts and khakis are washing dishes and cleaning Barnhardt stains off the floors. I can be somewhat condescending because these folk don’t own computers.

Burnt toast

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 00:09:18 +0000

Got up at 7 this morning to go shoot a horse… show. Pictures that is. But interrupt sleep so early on a Sunday morning? That hurt. Man, it was one of those fabulous sleeps too. Just the right temperature and the sheets were soft as a kitten’s whisper. But that, much like my brief foray into vegetarianism, had to come to an end.

Headed out to Fonthill and took some pics. Forgot my damn sunscreen and ended up getting a little crispy. Whadda ya gonna do? Headed home around 5.

Man jugs and Mini-Wheats

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 01:59:59 +0000

Yesterday was uneventful. I worked. I didn’t eat any Baconators. I came home.

Today we got up, grabbed a coffee and headed to the lawn & garden store. Picked up some crushed stone to complete the patio stones. From there we stopped to get my Mom and headed over to see the horse (since I only own one horse and don’t feel right calling him any name, I’m going with “the horse”).

I'm not sure what you did last Summer

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 03:11:38 +0000

Woke up at 6:30 today and got down to business.

Stopped at the tack shop on the way into work to get a fly mask for Zed (I’ve shortened “Ziggy Piggy” to “Zed” for now as I pursue a less gay and more that-guy-who-raped-Marcellus appeal to the big horse). Got the jumbo size. It should fit well.

Time flew by at work and I headed home. Another sweet ride on the 407. I’m loving it!

Yes, I drank blue cheese, Mother!

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 01:24:21 +0000

So last night we went to see Big Foot (the horse). Kat took the opportunity to take a picture of my gut and man jugs.

He stretched his legs, ran around and did some good bucking. The air beetles got to us all. We presented him his new halter and called it a night. Probably will see him again later this week.

Got off to work in good time this morning and had a smooth drive in. I’ve decided to pick up a transponder for the 407 as after 8 1/2 years I’m finally gonna try to curb my insanity. Took it home the past two days and already find myself kicking the kitty and throwing the C bomb at the dogs a little less.

I have a horse

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 03:28:23 +0000

So I bought a horse. Well, we bought a horse, but we’re calling it mine. Kat has wanted him for months because she has a love affair going with him. I thought it’d be cool because he’s simply massive. I’ve always been a fan of Andre the Giant. I always Biggie Size my meals. Now I’ve got an upsized horse. Will I ride it? Yes. Will it kill me? There’s absolutely no chance I’m gonna survive this endeavour. Stay tuned for the hospitalizing hilarity!

Beth RAW pic

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 11:11:08 +0000

Here’s Beth on last night’s RAW. She’d probably not consider this an especially good picture of herself, but this is exactly how she appears in all my dreams right before I spit on her and just after I… JOE! Hey buddy. When did you get here?

Yep, Beth on RAW!

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 02:55:11 +0000

Just finished watching Beth’s re-debut on RAW a few moments ago. Glad to see her back in action!! Will this allow Joe to quit his job at Toys ‘R Us? And retreat to an existence in which he’s not surrounded by Transformers and wrestling toys? Whadda you think?!

I’ll get the video of this up ASAP.

First day back to work was alright, but my office is still too hot. Everyone I’ve asked to help me with this problem has told me to go suck a dick. Don’t see how that’ll cool me off but perhaps I’m missing something. Spoar: Will that in fact cool me off?

Beth on RAW?

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 14:58:36 +0000

Word on the street is that there’s a chance Beth will be returning to RAW tonight. Think you’d better watch it just in case!

The Score, tonight, 9 PM
(immediately following Racenight, Woodbine’s live horse racing show… which nobody watches!)

In related news, I may be appearing on Cops next Saturday. Don’t want to ruin the surprise, but I’ve had a little too much to drink and I’m shirtless!!

Vacation Day Eleven: No happy ending

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 11:58:05 +0000

In the immortal words of Ryan Spoar, the party’s over…

Yesterday I cut the grass as it began to rain and then did some work on the computer. That’s about it. Oh, then I made a “soft taco bake” that went horribly wrong. Firstly, it didn’t look remotely like the package’s picture suggested it would. Secondly, when I was taking it out of the oven, it fell. It fell into the worst possible place: directly onto the hinge of the oven door. From there it dropped onto the floor, into the oven drawer and when I closed the door it traveled into the inner oven workings. I suspect that this will be a mess that my grandchildren’s children will still be trying to clean up.

Vacation Day Ten: Congestion

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 03:56:41 +0000

Woke up and felt like doing nothing (again). I think a piece of that Peking pork found its way into my spine. Hopefully it’ll find its way out because I don’t think that’s right.

Headed into the backyard for hopefully the second last day of work. It’s looking way better and I may actually want to start spending some time out there. That’s right, time. Shirtless time. Shirtless time with a Coke and a laptop. “Hey, the fat naked neighbour’s sunbathing again. Let’s move.” That kinda time.

Vacation Day Nine: Peking Pork

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 15:51:33 +0000

Lots of running around yesterday.

Framing place for some frames. Garden place for a trellis, a plant and a couple patio stones. Farm to check on Kat’s horse.

Came home for a nap, then off to the Mandarin for some over eating. Can’t recall them having the “Peking Pork” before, but last night it and I began a love affair that should simmer for years to come. Also had a large number of shrimp, perogies and General Tao’s, of course.

Vacation Day Eight: BBC

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 03:38:47 +0000

Awoke early. Did nothing ’till 2. Went to see Kyle. He’s doing fine.

On the way home stopped for a Big Bacon Classic to celebrate another Thursday alive. Made me wish I was dead.

Kat got home and we went down to the water to take some pictures of Lesley with her dog Tobey.

That’s him with his beak fully submerged as he tries to retrieve a rock from the Niagara River (he stayed under for like 10 seconds!). Pretty inspiring. I haven’t put that much effort into anything I’ve ever done in my life.

Vacation Day Seven: Raindrops

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 03:08:35 +0000

Did so little today it hurts. Let’s blame it on the rain.

Was up at 8 and the first sign of activity showed up around 2:30. Went to Tim Horton’s and Giant Tiger. Bought some blueberries. For future reference, if you eat 1 pint of blueberries, your gas will smell like blueberries. It’s true.

Made dinner. Took out the laundry. Punched my Kat cat. Now heading to bed. Hopefully some better weather to come!

Vacation Day Six: Six Years

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 03:00:19 +0000

So after 6 years of wondering what the fuck to do with the patio, we’re just about done. I’d really been baffled as to the best way to deal with fitting some patio stones around the deck posts. In the end, I figured I’d give cutting the patio stones a try. Who would’ve known it’d be a 2-minute process! God I love the fact that I let the littlest shit occupy so much fucking space in my head. I think I may be technically retarded.

Vacation Day Five: Laundry Day

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 03:16:30 +0000

So I woke up at about 8:30 to start the day. Was downstairs by 10:30, eating a burrito and 2 sausages by 1 and heading off to Home Hardware by 2:30.

Got some parts from HH. Came home and finished off the backyard hose setup. Have now got the necessary gear to attempt to cut some patio stones. Planning on trying this tomorrow and being out of the hospital by early next week. I really do expect a grade A injury on this one.

Vacation Day Four: Live Fat, Die Young

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 16:41:16 +0000

Getting behind here. Woke up yesterday and went to see the latest Die Hard movie. Pretty entertaining. Whole movie was almost ruined by a scene at the end where Bruce Willis rides the wing of a fighter jet. Eerily reminiscent of a scene in True Lies where a foreigner hangs out on a jet and takes a hilarious nut shot from the tail wing.

I’m not much of an expert on this kinda thing, but is that even possible? Wouldn’t it be pretty inhospitable up there? Or maybe I’m way off and it’s quite pleasant. The kinda place where you’d take the kids for a picnic. With sandwiches and chips and watermelon and horseshoes. Keep ’er steady Schwarzenegger, you just made me spill my Freshie!

Vacation Day Three: Go on, take everything

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 02:36:29 +0000

So something’s definitely up with my site host. You’ve probably seen errors and slow performance the past little while. I’m trying to get to the bottom of it, but haven’t yet. Bear with me.

Woke up around 10 and ate some oatmeal. It was the flavoured kind that is actually pretty unhealthy if you read the back of it. So I had two. Why? Cuz fuck you, that’s why.

Went outside later in the afternoon and cut the grass. Expanded the acreage of Kat’s garden. Hung up a hose. That’s about it.

Vacation Day Two: Too much work

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 03:19:53 +0000

Kat had the day off so we went to work on getting some more stuff done with the patio. Only a few more stones left to put down, then I can do some wood work on the deck and finish that bitch off. Can’t wait.

Had some pizza for dinner and watched some TV. Continue to do that now with beer replacing pizza. Heading to bed soon. Some more work in the yard tomorrow and then another day of nothing (I hope) for Sunday.

Vacation Day One: Decompression

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 20:30:18 +0000

The victims:

The playing field:

The aftermath:

Let me just take this opportunity to say that Home Hardware is the best store. They’ve never let me down. When Canadian Tire fucks me, HH always has my back. Last time I tried to buy pellets at CT they wanted paperwork. HH couldn’t have been happier to sell them to me. Anyway, today I had to restock and they took care of me again.

I waited so long

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 05:35:25 +0000

Well today my fucking office was at least as hot as yesterday and I couldn’t wait to get out. Found out near the end of the day that the a/c was in fact broken. Does me little good now, but hopefully it’ll be fixed before I head back on the 9th. One can only hope that my sweaty stink has dissipated by then too.

Got the hell out of work around 5:30 and treated myself to a 407 ride home. Figured I’d start off my abbreviated Summer of Dave with a shorter than usual ride home. Worked out okay. Got home at 7 and decided to have a nap. Ate some olives, pickles and cottage cheese and went promptly to bed.

And the FAT just keeps on coming

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 01:50:37 +0000

So to sum up the day’s activities…

1. Drove to work.

2. Ate Baconator.

3. Sweated at my desk.

4. Drove home.

5. Ate snacks, crackers, desserts, excessive amounts of milk and let’s face it, those “possible” burritos I’m mulling over will become a reality before my greasy head hits a pillow.

Sitting here writing this and Claire is trying to jump onto my lap. Just now she did and I promptly tossed her onto the floor. After her ass gave me a stinky kiss on the arm yesterday, I’m a little gun shy. I don’t think she’s reached that point in her life where she feels the need to clean up after a number two. Or it could be that she just can’t reach back there (which coincidentally is my excuse too). Either way, I smell like shit enough without her adding to the problem.

Jeff "It only hurts when I'm sober" Girdlestone

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 16:31:27 +0000

Beam just posted some pics from his Friday night engagement party. Kat and I left around 12:30 so I wanted to see what we missed. Looks like as of 1:07 am Jeff G. and Stacie were still tossing back the beers:

He’s such a little trooper, but the way I see it, he’s got nothing to smile about.

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2k7 Opening Video Revisited

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 22:20:05 +0000

At the party last night, the usually negative Adam Girdlestone had only positive things to say about this video I put together around Dec. 31st last year. I had it posted as the front page prior to re-launching the site. Since the Facebook explosion has brought a number of new visitors, I thought I’d repost it for all to enjoy again.

Gotta pat myself on the back for this. I’ve watched it 20 times and still get a kick out of it. Hope you do too!

Goodnight, now it's time to go home

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 15:26:19 +0000

Let’s get ya caught up.

Thursday I went to the dentist. No problems although I think I was billed $120 for a small dab of goo they put on my teeth. That’s kind of a problem. Went for a bike ride with Kat. Touched up some scratches on her truck. Went to Kelsey’s for dinner and had the fish & chips and a couple Caesar’s. Woke up the next morning to find that nothing craps like Kelsey’s fish & chips and a couple Caesar’s. Went to work. Came home. Took care of some problems over the phone. Pretty standard couple of days.

I've got my own hell to raise

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 03:59:34 +0000

Solid day at work started out with a tasty bagel with cream cheese. I think cream cheese may be the perfect food and sesame seed the best kind of bagel. That being said, it’s not exactly the friendliest driving food. My seat is covered with so many seeds it looks like I have one of those taxi driver bead covers.

Seems my last post was a bit of a downer by all accounts. Chris Hickey has me on suicide watch and good ol’ Fort Erie Joe insinuated he’d drive 8 hours to give me a cheer-up blow. I really should only post something if I’m drunk. At least then I have clarity and no cares to speak of. That being said I’m pretty sure the least convincing argument for nightly drinking is, “I want to write something positive on my blog.” The best reason being, “I didn’t even see the deaf kid crossing the road and certainly can’t explain why I sped up.”

I don't know what you're looking for

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 03:58:51 +0000

Snoozed for a full 2 hours this morning – possibly a new record! Headed off to work looking and feeling like a pile of shit. A pile of shit wearing a white shirt with Barnhardt stains and a 3-year-old shirt that looks to be twice that. Sounds like somebody had a case of the Mondays!

Nothing exciting gone on as of late. Figured I’d take one last scour of the hard drive for video that I haven’t over exposed. Found this little terd. It’s from 2004. Back when Girdy hadn’t begun masking his baldness and Spoar was all chin and bosom. No, it’s not particularly funny, but throw a catchy tune in the background and I’ll watch it!

Blueberries

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 04:32:50 +0000

So I got my new BlackBerry a few days ago. I’ve already fallen in love with it and as with all objects of my affection, I’ve also already hurt it. Dropped it crossing the parking lot on day two and the cement took a bite out of it. It immediately started crying and the cement said, “Suck it up and make me a sandwich.” Sonuva bitch if the sandwich wasn’t ready within 2 minutes and contained the finest sliced meats one could expect to find in a parking lot.

Hurry, hurry, hurry

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 22:00:35 +0000

Woke this morning and as expected, I’m aching. The patio stone adventure from yesterday has taken it’s toll on my back fat and feminine hands. I feel like I’ve been palming a vibrating porcupine all morning. Were I the kind of person who did any kind of physical labour in my life, I might be able to take this. Oh wait, I have done physical labour. That construction job in ‘94 that ended in two rusty nails through my foot and a tetanus shot. And there was the lumberyard job from ‘97 where I sent in my resignation via fax. It’s quite possible I’m the World’s least manly man.

They're all so beautiful and clean

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 19:22:23 +0000

Woke up today and felt like doing nothing. Kat felt like doing something. Guess who won?

As it would turn out the grunt work we got into paid off. The patio stones are being overcrowded by weeds that grow between. So we’ve got to lift them, clean out underneath, lay landscape fabric and put ’em back. I’ve been dreading doing this for 6 years and it being so fucking hot this week doesn’t exactly motivate me. I sat at work yesterday and was sopping with sweat having done nothing. Arbuckle stopped by to mooch some gum and turning to speak with him caused further beads of creamy Barnhardt juice to roll down my back. But I digress…

You ain't supposed to be here

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 04:19:43 +0000

Woke up. Went to work. Came home. Did nothing.

Please enjoy one of my favourite sketches from Kids In the Hall:

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Can't live without air

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 02:56:12 +0000

Day off as I worked yesterday. Woke around 9:45 and decided to roll with it. Kat unearthed a higher quality pillow for me last night and dusted the dog hair and excrement off the bed. I’ve told her the excrement was also from the dogs but there’s no way it’s not mine.

Put some work into Tim’s laptop and then decided to go for another ride on the bike.

Stopped first to give some contraband entertainment to Kyle at the shop. He was working on Dan’s man van which is a sweet minivan painted rape red. Dan took every opportunity to “light up” the tires Saturday night on that biatch. It’s got a bumper sticker that says, “I’m only speeding because I have to poop!” The fact that Dan so boldly makes light of his biological faults that sees him shitting up to 80 times a day is both troubling and inspiring.

Real Headache

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 03:43:11 +0000

As the title suggests, yesterday’s flurry of activity ended with some head pain. I’m guessing it was something I ate, or the fact that my body now fully rejects exercise of any kind.

Woke shortly after Noon. A solid sleep-in by any standards. Headed outside and cut the grass. Stepped in a whole lotta dog shit. Whacked some weeds.

Threw on some shitless shoes and hopped on the bike. Went down to the Peace Bridge and continued on past Asian eateries and dead sidewalk squirrels. A gentleman gives me a far-too-boisterous, “Hey buddy. How ‘ya doing?” I laugh at him and return a, “Hey.” Exactly what his problem was, I’m not sure.

Poo babies

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 03:54:26 +0000

Went to work today and it felt mostly productive.

This evening saw a terrific storm that took out a few trees.

Came home and watched a bit of a movie, then grew tired.

Now we’re off to bed. Keep it real, homies.

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I'm just a new title, not a new post.

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 03:58:30 +0000

Got up and took the Corolla in for an oil change. Sipped away at a hazelnut coffee as I waited. The Fort Erie Toyota dealer sucks so much less than the other two I’ve been to in St. Catharines and Toronto. Local guys have yet to dick me around and are extremely friendly. So friendly I was offered my choice of hj or bj along with the warm beverage. I think we know which I chose.

Some of us won't survive

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 03:59:13 +0000

Woke in the middle of the night shaking like a 230-pound leaf. So fucking cold I didn’t think I’d live to see today. Noticed Kat had a blanket on her so I gently removed it and used it to warm my bulk. Slept better from that point on.

Got up around 8. Parted my hair. Killed some ants. Ate a bagel with a Coke. Got into the car and drove to work.

I can't run

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 03:13:26 +0000

With each passing morning it gets increasingly difficult to unwrap myself from the bedsheets. Fuck me.

Finished some running around, then headed into work. An awesomely cold day for June. Blustery too. Got out of the car and a sheet of somewhat important paper ejected itself from my passenger seat and began to zoom across the parking lot. I took a sip of coffee and decided to initiate a pursuit. The paper and I met eyes as it paused between a couple of cars to catch it’s breath. I ensured the paper that things would be different from now on and convinced it to return to the car. When we got home I pushed it down a flight of stairs and told it to be more careful next time.

Not getting me anywhere

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 15:59:40 +0000

The intense struggle to get my fat ass out of bed and into work was rewarded by the best parking spot available for the non-disabled, non-courier, non-security employees of Woodbine (see pic). Setting aside the day I thought I shit my pants but didn’t, this was one of my greatest.

A very productive day at the slumber yard. Productive in the sense that I got a large amount of things accomplished except the one thing I’d set out to get accomplished. Was that one thing, “To watch an episode of Degrassi”? Nope, did that.

June weekend

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 19:15:28 +0000

So yesterday I got up at 8 to go see Kat at her first horse jumping show of the year. Was hot as a bastard in Fonthill. Kat’s horse “Milton” was less than cooperative and after making a few jumps, he zigged, Kat zagged and she bit the dust.

She’s such a little trooper and was back up again and had a far better trip. I gotta think if that was me I would’ve broken both ankles and with eyes full of tears I’d have curled into a ball until someone with a wheelbarrow or dump truck came to wisk me away. Get on a horse again? Not without pissing myself.

Work sucks, I know

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 03:05:45 +0000

Went to bed around 12:15 am last night. Proud of myself, I was.

Tossed and turned my bulk for over an hour, then gave in. Went back downstairs and Pokered a bit, tweaked some insignificant stuff on this site, surfed some softcore, listened to the birds start their day, then headed back to bed around 5:15 am. Got a little over 2 hours of sleep, then off to the meat factory.

Fluffy cat vs. 3-legged cat... WHO YA GOT?!

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 15:30:47 +0000

So Claire’s brother Simon was born with only 3 legs (Claire is our new kitten). You probably think it’s sad, but this short video might change your mind. He’s courageous enough to take on a 4-legged far fluffier feline.

After watching this you’ll cry, laugh and then want to take a wooden chair to your old man’s back for calling you a fag when you were in Grade 2. Enjoy!

The Number 23

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 00:34:03 +0000

So it’s been a busy May. This is the 23rd post I’ve made, and it will be my last for this month.

Got home late last night after a long day at work. Consumed well over a thousand calories for dinner while sitting in my car, then continued on home.

Last night kicked off my BLT diet. Here’s the deal: Back in ‘97 I would end virtually every day with a delicious BLT sub from Avonmart (sometimes two!). Because they were good? No. Because they were $2.99. Well, the price has skyrocketed to $4.49, but it’s still less than Subway or Quizno’s.

Hey

Wed, 30 May 2007 03:20:43 +0000

Another fabulous day of weather. Smooth drive into work. Time flew by. Couple of pops, then a smooth drive home. What can I say.

Sat here watching Claire as I had the TV on. She was struggling to keep herself awake. She was sitting upright and her eyes would close and she would almost fall over before catching herself at the last moment. I was jealous. I can’t recall the last time I actually exerted myself so hard physically in a day that I was falling over tired. I sit in the car. I sit at work. I sit at home. It’s amazing I’m not just one big hemorrhoid with glasses.

3 1/2 hours of pain. all at once. all for me.

Tue, 29 May 2007 03:52:17 +0000

Well, the weather was lovely today. Even snapped a picture as I walked out of Woodbine at about 6:24 pm. Went to Tim Horton’s for a coffee, a bagel and then Petro Canada for some gas before hitting the highway.

Fifteen minutes down the road I passed the Ford plant and stopped dead in traffic. No problem. This kinda thing’s pretty standard.

Stop and go. Go and stop.

After 20 minutes, it wasn’t looking good, but I’m rather content – The bagel’s sitting nicely in my gut and with a fresh coffee at my side, I’m far from losing it.

New kitty better than old kitty?

Sat, 26 May 2007 20:19:13 +0000

So Kat brought home a new cat for us the other day. I wanted no part of it since our house is already full of animals and our current cat hates everything, but gotta admit that she’s grown on me. I’ve named her Claire (after the cheerleader on Heroes… yes, I’m a loser).

She seems well behaved, with only one errant floor turd so far (even I’m not perfect). The dogs seem to have taken a liking to her, though Sunny’s affection borders on abuse.

BREAKING NEWS: Lucky Lager Lover Returns!

Fri, 25 May 2007 20:54:47 +0000

I knew this camera phone would come in handy.

While wasting away my day off, I once again stumbled upon the most awesome guy in the World. Yep, this guy:

You’ll remember him from an earlier posting of mine here. Now it’s clear for all to see just how he’s able to pull off this marvel of engineering. An entire 24-case of dirt cheap Lucky Lager nestled carefully beneath his bony, unemployed frame.

This place

Fri, 25 May 2007 02:19:19 +0000

I drove home with a brownie passenger today.

I buckled him in safe.

He badmouthed my driving, so I tore his head off and ate 20 of his internal organs.

That shut him up.

He started being belligerent again and I had no more room for his tasty organs, so at the gas station I locked him in the trunk.

I kept the organs down by eating two bags of chips and some refreshing water.

Bound for nowhere

Thu, 24 May 2007 02:41:43 +0000

Got to bed at a reasonable time last night and I was still fucking sleepy this morning. I guess when you’re morbidly obese it really doesn’t matter if you’re well rested.

Headed off to work. A hot chick in tight pants and high heels was getting stuff out of her trunk so I kept an eye on her to make sure she was okay. Those heels can be tricky. She was fine.

I've had a few

Wed, 23 May 2007 01:36:36 +0000

So yesterday was Canada Day. Got up at 8 and finished the fence for Kat’s garden. Hoping for good things from that little endeavour. Cut the grass. Hung up a plant. Whacked some weeds. Left for work.

Got to Mohawk around 2:30. Always a nice drive there. And what a wonderful place this was to me. Worked there frequently from late ‘99 to early 2001. I recall a fantastic shit there. Remember eating a roast beef sandwich and having it liquefy my insides. Had to rush to the washroom. Not sure which was louder: the assplosions or my giggling at the intensity of my assplosions. I couldn’t contain myself on either end. It was awesome.

1989

Sun, 20 May 2007 17:54:04 +0000

Now for the second installment of Stupid Things I Did In My Room in the ’80s, a follow-up to The Day Dave Became an Anteater from earlier this year.

I’ve always had this problem where I can’t stop thinking about shit late at night. I’ll toss and turn for hours. I remember even when I was 10 or 11 staying up until 3 am struggling desperately to find something to watch on TV (this was before we had cable so it was rough). Some nights I’d rearrange my room just for something to do, but I digress.

Breakfast rye

Fri, 18 May 2007 03:02:49 +0000

Tired and going to bed after last night’s slumber was rudely interrupted and today I was a zombie (with a small C cup).

So what happened today…

Went to the mall where school girls in uniform enjoyed their lunch hour and I enjoyed the sight of school girls in uniform. I didn’t feel bad about it for one second.

Got to Mohawk and enjoyed a Diet Pepsi. I’m on a diet, you know. What’s that? You didn’t know? Well why do you think I’ve been slimming down? What’s that? I’ve actually been GAINING weight?! Well you’re a horrible person and I hope you slip in the shower and land on your face.

Ring, ring

Thu, 17 May 2007 06:36:15 +0000

Yeah, that’s right, I’m up. Think the cell phone call I received about an hour ago would be my latest so far in 2007. Yippee!! You’d think an asshole two time zones away would realize that I probably wasn’t still at work. Thanks a lot, fuckface!!

So now I’m sitting here playing poker and surfing porn to kill time. Just saw an email sent by Woodbine’s entertainment powerhouse, Chris Hickey. He reminded me of this video, which hasn’t failed to cheer me up yet again. Enjoy!

Scruffy bastard

Thu, 17 May 2007 03:47:18 +0000

Another day, another shaveless morn’. I look like a bum on the outside and feel like an ass on the inside. Tomorrow evening I’ll celebrate by driving into a bridge abutment.

Got to work shortly after 9 am. Had to endure the ridicule of arriving over an hour earlier than usual. I’ll make sure that never happens again. Worked on some stuff while it was quiet to avoid the herd of knob jobs who’d normally hassle me. All went well.

Appreciate your concern

Wed, 16 May 2007 03:07:36 +0000

Another tough wake-up after catching Monday’s Heroes episode late last night. Was worth it, though Morning Dave was exceptionally miserable. So miserable that he decided to forego shaving again to make everyone else miserable.

Went to Mohawk and stopped at Tim Horton’s where there was a pretty good lineup. As I waited, a grimy dude lined up beside me. He said, “Never fails. It’s always busy at every Tim Horton’s.” Yeah, thanks, but I didn’t order any small talk, if that’s what you want to call that. A minute later, he loudly said, “Can I get you something?” right at me and gestured in my direction. I looked directly at him, then around the store and didn’t see anyone else who he could have expected to answer that question. I said nothing in return and I’m just gonna assume he’s retarded.

What the hell is going on?

Tue, 15 May 2007 03:03:01 +0000

Very little. Took all my strength to hoist my bulk from bed this morning. Probably a result of staying up ’till 1:30 watching The Real World. I’m well aware that I have the TV viewing habits of a 17-year-old girl and I’ve really gotta start feeling the appropriate amount of shame.

Made a couple stops on the way to work and arrived unshaved and dishevelled by about 10:45. Settled in for 2 hours of steady actual work, then celebrated with a trip to Subway. A turkey sub, a bag of chips and a frosty rootbeer were ordered and hastily consumed in my car as I listened to Stern. I swallowed that fucker like a mustard-covered pill.

Carrot cakewalk

Mon, 14 May 2007 02:26:20 +0000

A good night’s sleep and I feel much better.

Off to the mother’s this afternoon to deliver some Mom’s Day flowers. Also cut the grass. Had I not covered the garage floor with gasoline in the process, I’d say I’m a great son.

Came home and removed the warning stickers from the visors in my car. I’ve decided I live life a little too much on the straight and narrow, so to hell with those things. Not even sure what they say. If it wasn’t something about not dipping and eating McNuggets while driving with your knees, I don’t need to hear it.

Shine on

Sun, 13 May 2007 02:29:26 +0000

So after work last night I headed over to Southside’s to meet up with some of the old crew from high school. Spent a few hours reminiscing about the past and catching up on what’s transpired in the 12 years since graduation. Great to see Luc, Kevin Dwyer, Kevin Beam, Adam and Allison.

Later on I strapped my fat ass into a child’s seat and we headed over to the Barnea, home of the World famous “Here, take a look at my dick” washroom. We headed out to the patio where I was introduced to Adam’s younger sister and Luc introduced me to a Grade A secret pissing area. Few more hours of drinking then a little apartment booze to wrap things up. Item #1 on my To Do list: Hang out with these crazy fuckers more often …

Hoping for replacement

Fri, 11 May 2007 03:10:54 +0000

Got the windshield in the Corolla replaced yesterday morning. I bounced a stinky homeless child off it a couple weeks ago and the resulting crack caused the memory of that child to linger. I’ve got enough shit going through my head. I don’t need that.

Then went to work and picked up some geekery on the way in. I asked the guy for a piece of hardware at the geek emporium and he answered, “Um, it doesn’t work that way.” Three seconds later he said, “Oh, wait” and repeated back to me exactly what I had asked him for, followed by, “You’ll find those in isle 22.” You worthless balding c word. I dumb down my request and deliberately talk slower than is called for, and what does it get me? One more jelly bean of rage to add to the jar.

White knuckles

Wed, 09 May 2007 02:58:15 +0000

Last night I was giving my teeth their monthly brushing and felt a burp coming on. Wish I’d had a clearer sense of what was about to transpire. My burp revealed itself to be an unfortunate mini mouth vomit. The food (I’m gonna say a wiener still fully formed and high on life) came up my esophagus, kissed the tip of the toothbrush and then disappeared from whence it came. Crossed my mind to rush down and write it up here for all to enjoy, but the prospect of sleep overtook me.

Break it down

Tue, 08 May 2007 01:50:34 +0000

So Fort Erie Shaun tells me he was at the theatre watching Spiderman 3 Friday night and got his car broken into. Someone tried to steal the radio but only succeeded in tearing the dash to shit. Lesson learned, Shaun: Download your movies. I sat alone at 1 am Saturday night and watched the movie in the privacy of my own home. The only thing that was stolen was my heart by the stunning Mr. Tobey Maguire.

Tiny Bubbles

Sun, 06 May 2007 04:33:01 +0000

Terrible sleep last night. It turns out that going to bed with a gut full of spicy tuna and tempura batter is not conducive to a quality nap. What seemed like an imminent vomit awoke me from my slumber at about 3 am. I talked the food back down and we made an agreement that it could instead become toxic gas. It held up its end of the bargain and this morning I considered burning my underwear, the sheets and the house. Yikes!

Evil-natured robots

Sat, 05 May 2007 03:27:14 +0000

Alarm went off at 7:30 am and I snoozed ’till 9:30. There’s the behaviour of someone ready to die.

Short day of work followed by food. All-you-can-eat Sushi at Real Sushi in St. Catharines. Ate enough food to render me partially blind. Three “green dragons,” 30 rolls, 1 plate of battered something and a bowl of ice cream. Oh, and I did something special. This is a possible indicator that Chris Hickey’s bang on with his theory that I have a dangerous eating problem. I was brought a plate of food that I didn’t order, that didn’t look appealing and that I wasn’t particularly interested in. I talked myself into it and devoured the whole thing. Chris: It’s time for you to intervene and cement my mouth shut as we discussed.

The Pursuit of Fattyness

Thu, 03 May 2007 04:04:35 +0000

Here’s a pretty good song:

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It’s from the first episode of Heroes that I rewatched a couple days ago. A catchy tune, though certainly a downer of a melody. Probably means it didn’t take long to write. I find it takes very little energy to be miserable. It’s pleasantness that’ll wear you out. Of course, you do feel better after venting some negativity. After I squeeze out a smile and a giggle all I want to do is watch you get your shoelace caught in an escalator.

I want you to hit me as hard as you can

Wed, 02 May 2007 04:31:25 +0000

Today I saw a dude riding his bike along the boulevard. He had a mullet and a full 24 case of Lucky Lager on the cross bar between his legs (it was a girl’s bike with no horizontal bar). He really was putting a lot of effort into it and you can imagine it was awkward. He was so concerned about the safety of the beer that he rarely lifted his head to see where he was steering. And yes, he did have a mustache.

KO

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 03:49:44 +0000

So tired. Three hours of sleep. Could have been 4 if not for the birds that chirped outside my window. Suppose it could have been 6 if I were better at managing time. Heck, it could have been 8 if I didn’t need a midnight BBC (big bacon classic).

Behaved better today. My body saw fruit. And whole wheat. And only a smattering of Sour Nerds.

Legs began to spasm around St. Catharines on the drive home. Punched them repeatedly to keep hope alive. Made it home. Celebrated with a banana and the paying of bills. Now to bed. I love you all.

Water

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 04:33:14 +0000

I dropped a “bomb” in the shower this morning and got a little light-headed, then nauseous. It was awesome.

I got to work today, but only 3 hours late.

I ate enough food in 12 hours to fit tightly in an average sized carry-on bag.

I want someone to knock me unconscious with a kick to the back of my head so I can finally get some decent sleep.

I’m very, very happy to be here. Thanks for inviting me. I’m sorry I knocked over your lamp. It was a pretty lamp. I’m not sorry I knocked over your wife. She was asking for it.

Werk

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 00:10:53 +0000

So back to work yesterday. Spent the whole day catching up on stuff that piled up while I was away. Managed to squeeze in some quality time with a slice of pizza, chocolate milk and a Mars bar.

Got home and downloaded the new episode of Heroes that aired last night. Right now this is the only show I’m watching on TV and you should be too. If you check it out for no other reason, you should get a load of Hayden Panetierre (right). If I were 10 years younger and she were blind, I like to think we’d have a pretty good thing going. She turns 18 on August 21st and I think I’ll give her a call. Maybe she’d like to come over and spend a quiet evening eating BLT subs with extra mayo.

Lats, quads, delts...

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 01:57:52 +0000

Another day, another bike ride.

Day started off late, then I sat around the house trying to convince myself NOT to eat everything in the fridge. Delicious bbq chicken for dinner, then off to the barn again. Kat tacked up Lucas and we went for another ride down the trail.

I broke away from Kat to sprint ahead (the term sprint might be overstating things). Was a kilometre or so ahead of her when I passed a family going the other way. The young girl, probably only 2 or 3, seemed delighted to be able to greet a stranger. She said hello and I returned the same. At the last moment before we passed, I think she may’ve caught site of a nut as these shorts are notoriously baggy. If she did, there’s no recovering from that.

70 PSI

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 06:26:02 +0000

So we hit the road for a pretty nice little Saturday. No Home Depot or Bed, Bath and Beyond, but we did visit the metropolis of Ridgeway. Had to get my wedding band resized. Even though I officially put on 5 pounds last week in Vegas (and yes, I do recognize the femininity of my weight obsession problem), my ring is just too damn loose. And having the active lifestyle I do, I can’t risk it falling off while I’m watching TV, driving my car or sitting at my desk.

Vegas is over, man!

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 08:33:08 +0000

Alright, I’m back on my home turf! I’ve officially left Las Vegas. To sum up what I’ve learned…

the national sport in Mexico must be some kind of competitive card flicking; you really gotta visit Vegas to understand this
free alcohol tastes better
plane rides to Vegas attract people who shit their pants; plane rides to Buffalo attract people who’ve had their normal brand of deodorant substituted by some kind of spicy onion paste
old people and dance clubs don’t mix and yes, I consider myself one of said old people
despite what I was told at the time, Calgary cannot possibly be the nose picking capital of the world; the blood-laced crusty nuggets I spelunked from my nasal cavity these past four days are proof positive
Vegas casinos have EXACTLY the same senior citizen to human ratio as Canadian casinos, but they have a far greater number of female prostitutes with testicles
baths are just as gay as they ever were
give a Barnhardt the chance to eat a lot and he will eat a lot; give him the chance to drink a lot and he will drink a lot; give him wild fig and ivy moisturizing cream and he will indeed use it, but only on his feet

And that about sums it up! Back to reality!!

Fort Erie about to get 300 pounds fatter!

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 00:21:38 +0000

So I’m sitting at the Las Vegas airport waiting for my flight home…

And no, that’s not me. It’s the fruit who WAS sitting next to me. He seemed to be having an argument on his cell phone with either his girlfriend or his life partner. Several times he threatened to “go back to California” if he/she continued to treat him the way he/she was. He then called a hotel somewhere and was unhappy with their room rates. He called the life partner back and told him/her off some more. Then he left. I’m probably moments away from seeing him tie his ankle to the landing gear of a plane. I wish him well.

Vegas winding down!

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 08:28:50 +0000

So today was our second last day here in Las Vegas. How my feet haven’t fallen off completely, I’ll never know. It’s been exhausting and I’ve gained many pounds of disgusting bloat. For example, just tonight we were treated to an extensive dinner at this place. Afterwards we went to the Voodoo Lounge. I think this place would be cool if I wasn’t a fat mess, it wasn’t fantastically windy and I had 2 to 3 pounds of sweet cocaine. Nonetheless, it was an experience and I took this crappy pic on my cell phone:

Day 2 in Sin City!

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 06:50:29 +0000

Brief post ‘cuz I gotta get to sleep!!

Here’s a picture of a girl’s ass:

She had the body of a 13 year old and a face like a dead gorilla’s armpit. I can’t begin to describe how hot that was.

Here’s Barnhardt eating (big f’n surprise!):

I guess the revelation here is that I like cake. Wait a second. No. There is in fact nothing this picture will tell you that you didn’t already know about me. Different time zone. Different country. I’m still an eating machine. They had to take a shovel to my back to stop me from filling my face. Rock and roll!!

Vegas is... just like in the movies!

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 07:25:50 +0000

Before coming here, my only exposure to Vegas was an old episode of Roseanne and the ending of Con Air. To my surprise, it’s exactly like that. Here’s a view from my window.

So I’ve begun quite the collection of, what I’m calling “whore trading cards.” You’ll see the fruits of my labour later this week. If I don’t have enough to wallpaper a small room, then I haven’t done my job and there’s gonna be a truckload of miserable Mexicans out here.

NAB - Vegas 2007

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 03:13:06 +0000

Be sure to check in all week for coverage of my trip to Vegas!

I'm afraid of Americans

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 23:58:45 +0000

So we leave for Vegas in the morning, arriving there at about 1 pm Vegas time. Have tickets for a “cocktail party and buffet” at 7 pm. The real question is, “Will Barnhardt make it through the week without making an ass of himself?” Tough call. Let me think… have I ever done something inappropriate in a group setting……

There was the New Year’s Eve about 5 years ago where I thought I could go shot-for-shot with the eldest Carolan. Couldn’t, and felt a sudden need to nap, so did so in the crapper. Kind of a tiny bathroom at Spoar’s old apt. so I stretched out and punted his shower door off it’s track (yes Ryan, that was me). Others had to use the bathroom and couldn’t remove me… ah, I’ll let this video tell the tale.

The First Time I Ate Ants

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 01:03:43 +0000

So Jeff’s driving us to the airport on Sunday. This reminds me of the first time I ate ants.

I was young and had a penchant for eating potato chips. I had a half-finished bag of the tastiest BBQ chips Fort Erie ever sold. I tucked them away beneath some sheets and pillows so no one would take them (it would only have been Andrew – I needn’t have taken such measures).

Thursday's Hero: Chris "The Jack Hammer" Hickey

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 01:58:30 +0000

An 18% creamy tear came to my eye earlier today when the greasiest man in Canadian broadcasting arrived to work and presented me with a large double double. I offered him my undying gratitude and $2 to cover the beverage* – both were rudely refused.

So I salute you, Chris Hickey. You have brought this young chap more joy than Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and that $200 lady of the night ever could.

Not you, but everyone else

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 00:13:51 +0000

Whoever you are, I’m pretty sure I don’t hate you. However, everyone other than you? Yeah, I hate them.

Back in ‘94 I had a brief stint as a deconstruction worker (I wasn’t good enough to put anything together, only tear it apart). After about 5 hours of terribly boring grunt work I accidentally stepped on a 2x4 and had two rusty nails go into my foot. Boss had to drive me to the emergency room for a tetanus shot while I was still wearing some beat up and unfortunately flaming red skin-tight sweat pants.

Chewie

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 21:54:32 +0000

Chewbacca, you smug mother fucker.

The 'Last Photo' Surfaces...

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 19:53:09 +0000

The digital camera containing this photo was recently found during construction at Ground Zero. On that day America lost it’s innocence and one man saw $80 in highlights go down the drain.

Facebook

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 02:33:22 +0000

One week without a post. How tragic. What’s been going on? Busy at work. Also took Katrina to see We Will Rock You yesterday in Toronto. Pretty good. Will have to revisit some Queen music to see why I don’t love them more.

That Suzie McNeil chick from Rockstar INXS was in the show. Pretty damn hot. Almost a bit of a Debbie Gibson thing goin’ on (and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that!).

Who Wants To Be A Superhero?

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 02:25:37 +0000

Well, not me, that’s for sure. Unless my magical powers are growing chins and wearing the same shirt for 5 days straight.

Joe and Pat are trying out for the SciFi channel’s second season of Who Wants To Be A Superhero. They had Beth write up a script and enlisted the help of Dan and Shaun as performers. I played the behind-the-scenes role of slow-witted, stocky editor.

Sushi eatin' and that's about it

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 21:50:55 +0000

So we all got together for Shaun’s birthday a little over 2 weeks ago. Photos have surfaced, including a great shot of the ill-fated sushi boat. I went all Vishnu on that mother fucker and it didn’t stand a chance.

The Kyle-Jenny offspring was throwin’ punches like Ali and Girdy was downin’ fish like it was a cure for baldness. Classic.

Afterwards I told the group to go to hell and rushed home to hang out with my new friends, my laptop and a tube of crackers, both of which have far more promising futures than any of those other jerks.

Owen has left the building...

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 23:18:25 +0000

Owen Xavier Barnhardt slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God as he passed away peacefully at 1:20 am this morning.

We trust that he’s running through the coloured plastic tubes of heaven right now. RIP you lovable, photogenic dude.

Pant-shitting, snow-storming piece of shit day!!

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 02:44:13 +0000

So last night I thought it’d be a good idea to give some of this herbal laxative tea a try. Not because I was have poo-related issues, but I’d had it in the cupboard for a few years and seemed like it’d be a good story to tell if my ass exploded on the way to work.

Well, I had a nice morning crud and then was fine for the way in to work. However, the lunch hour saw me ass pissing in the crapper. Then we got sent home early due to the storm heading our way. (As you can see from the picture, it wasn’t a good day to be driving or stealing children). The usual 1:45 ride home ended up being a 4:30 record breaker! About 2 hours into the drive, my innards told me that it was time to round out the hat trick. A McDonald’s restaurant was the recipient of my third ass blast.

The Mildly Impressive Three (MIT)

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 19:57:50 +0000

STEELFACE

My name is Steelface. I’m 23 years old and I work as a janitor at the City’s Underground. I wipe up your toilet seat drippings and your secret under-bench earwax. My boss Jane once told me I look like a “can of smashed assholes” and I’ve never recovered. The only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is that I recently discovered that I’m indestructible. Let me clarify: only from my neck up can I not be hurt. Take a knife to my midsection and I’ll fold just like any of you assholes. So please, if you’re gonna shoot, aim high.

You're not a doctor, you're a whore.

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 06:22:56 +0000

In the interest of science, and for the amusement of the masses, I made it my mission to produce an entertaining post tonight. The mingling of Diet Coke and Canadian Club (aged 12 years, just the way I like it) have created this monster.

Allow me to show you the artistic awesomeness I produced shortly after the third part of the Grey’s Anatomy finale.

#1 - Me eating Pringles.

So what

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 04:16:32 +0000

Absolutely nothing is going on. Nothing. Absolutely. Nothing.

10 years ago (today?)

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 18:08:26 +0000

Another Valentine’s Day come and gone. A delicious meal at MT Bellies and a Hugh Grant movie – what more does one need?

So it was 10 years ago that Kat and I first met. I believe it was actually Feb. 15th and not the 16th as my memory tells me it was a Saturday, Feb. 15th, 1997 birthday party for Shaun at The Barrel that started things off. Who would have guessed that we’d still be together? The “it couple” hysteria that we created in the late 90’s has since died down a tad, but someday we’ll make headlines again.

The Last of the Unplucked Gems: GMA 2k5.5 Finale!

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 13:08:56 +0000

The last of the GMA 2005 1/2 videos is here, and it’s not that good!

Word on the street is that GMA 2006 is in the works. Shaun, Pat, Joe, Beth, Spoar and Jeff … IT’S GO TIME!

A Call for Curry

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 22:20:33 +0000

Off work today… cuz I’m a gangsta ( read “lazy”). Kat got a call from work late this morning that some horse had issues and it’s foal died. All I know is that Kat was asked to take the deadling to Guelph for an autopsy(?). My first concern was exactly how the transport would take place. Kat said she’d take her Escape and put him in the back. Knowing Kat too well, I first assumed that she’d buckle him into the front seat and prop him up so he could look out the window. Figured she might also get him a small chocolate milk at Tim Horton’s and some sunglasses from the dollar store so the sun wouldn’t hurt his eyes. Kat tells me each night she’d rather have married a horse.

How to hate everybody

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 06:29:40 +0000

Dentist appointment this morning went okay (read last night’s post for more). Got a metal filling put back in. Drilling the white one out hurt more than watching Girdy dance, but I sucked it up. Hell, after I heard the doc mutter “n/c” signifying there’d be no charge, they coulda taken my pants off and drilled my taint. This Barnhardt likes his free. But is the pain actually gone for good? Barnhardt has his doubts.

blogging... TO THE EXTREME!

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 05:34:42 +0000

So it seems like all of my “friends” have been bit by the blogging bug. Never one inclined to do anything original, why not throw in my 2 cents while the videos have dried up…

Try as I might, I can’t get my mind off work. I think about it while I’m driving. I think about it while I’m tossing in bed. Oddly enough the only place I don’t think about it is at work. That’s when I think of a pumpkin pie eating me!

GMA 2k5.5: Spoar tries to leave

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 13:00:05 +0000

When you’re hanging out with the Carolan’s shooting GMA videos and you suddenly decide to put a damper on things by announcing your forthcoming departure, you’d better be fully aware that you will, in fact, be ridiculed for it.

ENJOY!

HAPPY FEBRUARY, BITCHES!!

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 05:01:00 +0000

Hope you’re all enjoying things so far this year. Had tons of content to share with you for January and I hope to be able to keep it up over the weeks and months ahead.

So, let’s see. What’s going on… Dan Z is rebuilding the dream house while Mel looks for a new job. Andrew’s starting work at Woodbine next month while Autumn also looks for a new job. Kyle recently won some cash at poker while Jenny is FortErieDAVE!’s biggest fan. Beth has yet to return to the WWE while Joe spends most nights trying to blow himself. And word on the street is that Fort Erie Shaun and Fort Erie Pat will be moving to St. Catharines. The only question I have is where you gonna be living and is your bathroom big enough for me to collapse in?

GMA 2k5.5: The Zammit One!

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 17:01:48 +0000

This video could go by so many titles. I can best sum it up by saying that this is what happens when you get not 1 or 2, but all 3 Carolan brothers working together on a video. Furthermore, watching this video will give you a good idea of what it’s like to be friends with these people. It’s often hilarious, occasionally disturbing and undeniably entertaining, as long as you can endure it.

Lost GMA 2004 video... JENNY & KYLE

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 13:00:42 +0000

Not sure how this one got lost in the shuffle from the 2004 GMA’s, but I’ve resurrected it! It’s a not-so-epic story of the fallout from the not-so-planned procreation from J & K. Enjoy!

Something for the ladies!

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 13:00:06 +0000

Thought it was time to give a little back to the adoring public. Here’s some kickass desktop wallpaper for all you girls out there (click the pic above). You get two Barnhardts and a Firebird – a combo that can brighten the darkest of days.

While you’re placing your icons in orbit around my 1995 gunt, don’t overlook the killer mane I’m sportin’. Sadly, most of that has vacated my head and taken up residence in my ears and eyebrows. You ever get a 2-inch hair in your eyebrow? Didn’t think so. Course, you probably haven’t eaten a bag of ant chips either. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

GMA 2k5.5: The Dairy Queen One! (REDUX)

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 13:00:32 +0000

UPDATE: I’ve posted this one already, but last night I found some bonus footage that I’d missed. Watch it in its entirety and enjoy the extra goodness.

GMA 2k5.5: The War Machine!

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 23:00:59 +0000

Everyone’s gotta go for a ride!

GMA 2k5.5: It's the journey, not the destination

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 13:00:09 +0000

The story told in this 3rd video from the lost GMA 2005 1/2 footage is funny, but the telling of it might be the best part. GIDDY-UP!

From the 2004 GMA's: Old Tyme Massacre

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 13:00:11 +0000

For whatever reason, this didn’t make the final cut that night. The performances are top notch. Shaun’s “East Indian eyewitness” – rock solid.

… be sure to watch right to the end as Joe’s drug-induced rants prove why he’s not welcome in Canada any more.

Calgary: Won't Barnhardt ever let it go?!

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 13:00:13 +0000

In my ongoing effort to make sure all of the goodness from the old site is still available, I must remind you of the coverage of our 1995 Calgary saga. Not only are there some good quality negative scans in the gallery, but I’ve also reposted the Calgary: The Untold Story feature.

I’m sure the thousands of visitors here have been wondering just what the hell that strange looking woman is in the Calgary graphics. You see, in the C-dot we had the habit of renting the shittiest movies. One day, Frankenhooker came into our lives. We loved it. Of course, I try to watch it now and it’s just painful to get through. Guess that’s what happens when a guy changes from a hippie-haired 18-year-old to a 30-year-old fat ass.

GMA 2k5.5: SNAP, not ZAP!

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 03:59:25 +0000

Could this be the first bit of controversy on FortErieDAVE! in 2007? Why must you ruin relationships, Barnhardt. Why?

Aw, whatever. Everyone’s gotta take their licks… ENJOY THE SECOND VIDEO!

GMA 2k5.5: What Do You FEED That Thing?!

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 13:00:02 +0000

Alright, let’s get down to English.

Here’s the first installment of the promised video clips. Enjoy!

MORE LATER THIS WEEK!

GMA 2005-and-a-half teaser

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 06:09:02 +0000

This already exists in the video gallery, but I wanted to post it up front as I prepare to unleash the never-before-seen clips from the 2005 GMA Awards (GMA=“Golden Monkey A-hole” aka “An excuse for us to drink and celebrate our stupidity from the year gone by”). I’ll release the clips one at a time over the next several weeks.

And now, some brief glimpses at what’s to come…

The Submarine, the Chocolate Milk and Me

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 15:00:28 +0000

So Andrew dug up some old footage of me in a pink hat consuming food. It’s equal parts hot and embarrassing. Enjoy!

Smell the love

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 16:38:10 +0000

You did an awesome job!!! I had checked it out a few times a few years ago but I’ll be visiting more often now. I still can’t believe how awesome it was.

Luc Bertran

I was gettin emotional there but then you came back!!! your like Rocky!!! I have my life back because of you young sir. thank you.

Joey Knight

FORTERIEDAVE.COM LIVES!!!! I’m so happy that I threw my Wii out the window and vowed never to leave my computer screen again!! Long live Barnhardt!!!

It's on like Donkey Kong

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 05:01:03 +0000

Wow.

As you may’ve noticed, I’ve been away for awhile. The last photo gallery I put up was from the trip Kat and I took to Ottawa and Quebec back in February. Then I took the site down. Put up stuff now and then, but not until I got some vacation time could I redo it properly.

And here we are now.

I’ve just finished two weeks of going crazy on the site. Work started with the visual design. I wrapped the look around the photo gallery. The code for the gallery needed tweaking to work right with the videos. No problem. Then I set up a Wordpress theme to match the gallery. All that took about 10 days with holiday obligations interspersed. I’m sure you don’t care.

Overly dramatic Beth-tage

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 00:59:41 +0000

No, no. She’s not dead. But watch the video with the volume up and a tumbler of red wine in hand because it’s a tear jerker.

Cryme Tyme

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 14:03:21 +0000

Joe thinks he might be in the hood. That’s not a reference to a woman’s junk area, although Joe is usually on a cell phone when he’s messing with girl crotch parts.

Beth... FUG, that musta hurt

Tue, 30 May 2006 02:49:20 +0000

Beth’s winning ways continue, but she suffers an injury in this one. A jaw injury. I tried to fit all of Adam Girdlestone in my mouth one time and I suffered no such injury.

Beth's first match

Tue, 23 May 2006 02:45:39 +0000

I haven’t seen this much stretch fabric and tits since that time I asked Dan to hold onto a piece of stretch fabric for me.

Beth's back, and she talks!

Tue, 16 May 2006 02:43:23 +0000

“I’ll never forget what you did to me!”

That’s what Beth says and what I said to Joe every morning when we woke up in Calgary. And no, I haven’t forgotten.

Beth's arrival

Tue, 09 May 2006 02:38:47 +0000

Sticking up for Trish Stratus at the end of a match. Spoiler alert: There’s more screaming in this than came from Joe on the night of their wedding… but only a slight bit more.

GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2005

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 16:09:16 +0000

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Worms

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 21:24:02 +0000

I don’t remember what the F this is. Sounds like Goretta and Joe yelling. Appears to be Dan Zammit wrestling and pulling worms out of his pants. Beth almost kisses the other chick. This is what 98% of Nugget Zammit’s dreams look like, I’m sure.

Beth in the background

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 20:52:54 +0000

Couple of times recently Beth has appeared in the background of some behind-the-scenes clips on RAW and the Survivor Series PPV. I once survived eating 1/8th of a raw pig, which I would say qualifies as an equally as impressive and emotionally similar feat.

Spoar's a Giving Guy

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 03:43:34 +0000

There’s no way Spoar would ever sue me for posting this would he?

Oh, yep. There he goes. He’s suing me.

All Dressed and Judgemental

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 01:38:08 +0000

In truth, we all need a good talking to every now and then by Kyle in a Mexican parka, right?

Um, Pat. You're at a Drive Thru

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 04:35:54 +0000

This motherfucker’s out of his motherfuckin’ mind.

Boob Job? Wow, that's pretty insensitive...

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 04:33:03 +0000

… and NOT funny. DOUBLE BONUS! Who wrote this shit?

GALLERY: Shannon's Cottage

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 01:07:33 +0000

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Penus Alotta

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 18:15:25 +0000

Loaded up a bunch of videos and pictures and clicked the MAKE IT GAY button on my ‘puter. This is what happened…

Joe and Pat to the rescu... NOPE they screwed it up!

Mon, 25 Jul 2005 17:07:43 +0000

Joe and Pat as paramedics on tonight’s RAW. Inspiring. To who? Not sure.

GALLERY: Vehicular Awesome-slaughter

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 18:38:51 +0000

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GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2004

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 15:53:03 +0000

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GALLERY: New Years Gorge Hike

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 04:55:44 +0000

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GALLERY: Festivus 2004

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 04:06:10 +0000

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GMA Awards 2004: ZAP!

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 05:13:46 +0000

What a terrible, offensive, tasteless, classless, brilliant, hilarious, award-winning piece of genius this is! Circle of friends? I think not. Circle of barely-able-to-hide-it enemies!

GMA Awards 2004: A Girdlestone Family Christmas

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 05:11:22 +0000

It’s like every other family’s Christmas except this one comes with an extra big helping of unnecessary rage towards children.

GMA Awards 2004: Aaron the headliner of the Pukefest?

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 05:07:38 +0000

Ha ha ha. No! Not if the editor of this video has anything to say about it.

GMA Awards 2004: The Montages

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 05:04:07 +0000

Dan, Dave and Spoar. See how “the circle” views them!

(Hint: They’re all considered to be trash in size 44 pants.)

GMA Awards 2004: Spoar in School

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 05:02:15 +0000

Wait, Spoar went to school? Right, right. That’s where the believability of this video really hits a wall.

GMA Awards 2004: Jeff Gets a Chance

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 05:00:14 +0000

… and he missed it.

GMA Awards 2004: Dave New Years 2001

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 04:57:34 +0000

It’s like all the trans fat has clogged his brain and he forgets what hard liquor does to a Barnhardt.

Was his passing out in the bathroom and flailing around on the ground what caused Spoar’s shower to get broken? Absolutely. 100%. Spoar: The cheque’s in the mail. Sorry, buddy.

GMA Awards 2004: The Demon

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 04:55:00 +0000

You take a trip to Toronto with a skid of Lucky Lager and this timeless piece of art emerges. Enjoy!

Cops... Bridgeburg?

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 06:40:51 +0000

Tragedy + time = probably still gonna hear about this.

GALLERY: P.E.I.

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 21:49:05 +0000

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GALLERY: Gorge hike and Shrimp feast

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 03:31:52 +0000

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GALLERY: Drinking

Sat, 26 Jun 2004 16:00:18 +0000

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GALLERY: Spoartney Wedding

Sun, 30 May 2004 01:44:07 +0000

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GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2003

Thu, 01 Jan 2004 16:23:48 +0000

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Frank the Tank

Sat, 01 Nov 2003 17:00:10 +0000

Halloween night. Jeff is The Joker. This is the least amount of makeup anyone ever thought an adult Jeff Girdlestone would be wearing.

GALLERY: Pat's Birthday & Halloween

Sun, 26 Oct 2003 02:10:54 +0000

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GALLERY: New York City!

Sun, 07 Sep 2003 16:12:46 +0000

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GALLERY: Joe & Beth's Wedding

Sun, 10 Aug 2003 03:22:35 +0000

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Joe's wedding: Jeff arrives

Sun, 10 Aug 2003 01:17:48 +0000

Who invited this guy? No one? Seriously? Are we even monitoring the guest li… wait, what the hell is that guy putting into his eyes over there?! Oh god. That’s gonna be bad.

GALLERY: Woodbine Cottage Trip 2003

Tue, 08 Jul 2003 17:50:38 +0000

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GALLERY: Hiking the Gorge

Sun, 25 May 2003 00:17:00 +0000

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GALLERY: Shaun's Birthday

Sun, 16 Feb 2003 03:59:55 +0000

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GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2002

Wed, 01 Jan 2003 23:45:11 +0000

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GALLERY: Carolan Christmas Party 2002

Sun, 22 Dec 2002 05:54:32 +0000

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GALLERY: Woodbine Christmas Party 2002

Thu, 05 Dec 2002 05:05:40 +0000

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GALLERY: Woodbine Cottage Trip 2002

Sat, 13 Jul 2002 18:48:24 +0000

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GALLERY: Woodbine Cottage Trip 2001

Mon, 25 Jun 2001 16:36:51 +0000

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GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2000

Mon, 01 Jan 2001 05:01:20 +0000

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GALLERY: New Year's Eve 1999

Sat, 01 Jan 2000 18:13:05 +0000

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GALLERY: Cedar Point 1999

Mon, 12 Jul 1999 17:27:45 +0000

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GALLERY: Dan's Birthday 1997

Mon, 03 Mar 1997 02:06:09 +0000

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GALLERY: The Tragically Trip 1995

Mon, 18 Sep 1995 02:05:14 +0000

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GALLERY: Calgary 1995 + the after party

Thu, 31 Aug 1995 00:04:04 +0000

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GALLERY: Miscellaneous Stupidity

Thu, 16 Jun 1994 03:11:48 +0000

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