[{"content":"Oh, what a lovely Wednesday. Woke around 7 and made my way upstairs to bed. That\u0026rsquo;s right, I wasn\u0026rsquo;t in bed. No, I hadn\u0026rsquo;t spent the night on the front, side or even the back lawn, though all are logical guesses based on my unrelenting obesity and ongoing disregard for healthy life choices. I decided a while back to sleep on the couch after it became evident that my snoring was causing the wife grief. I won\u0026rsquo;t bother to mention that her recent propensity for snoring was also causing me grief, because I\u0026rsquo;d feel obliged to also say that when she snores, I\u0026rsquo;d (gently) kick her (to an unprosecutable degree) until it stopped. I don\u0026rsquo;t need y\u0026rsquo;all thinking even less of me than y\u0026rsquo;all already do. And there I went saying all those things I wasn\u0026rsquo;t going to say. Comedy!\nGot on with the day, which meant an excessively buttered english muffin topped with a peppered, halved boiled egg and a mug of decaf coffee were consumed. Then I watched the rain hitting the window for most of the afternoon while occasionally browsing Facebook, watching random YouTube videos, checking out my Japanese neighbour for no good reason waiting in the rain for his mail to be put into the community box, glaring at two baskets of clean clothes that weren\u0026rsquo;t putting themselves away and doing a collective minute and a half of actual work. You might think I shouldn\u0026rsquo;t be proud of that, but most days I accomplish so much less.\nAfter work, we headed to Thorold for H\u0026rsquo;s hockey game. Stopped in Welland on the way to drop off some audio equipment I sold to a dude on Facebook. Dude\u0026rsquo;s brother would meet me at the Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s. Dude\u0026rsquo;s brother was named Dawn. Alright. Dawn would be driving a grey Camry. Hmm, Toyota. Good taste, Dawn. Just after 7 pm I pulled into the Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s parking lot and met Dawn. He came out of his car and was [edit] a great guy. I\u0026rsquo;m not a bigot.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/pretty-sure-thats-my-lane/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eOh, what a lovely Wednesday. Woke around 7 and made my way upstairs to bed. That\u0026rsquo;s right, I wasn\u0026rsquo;t in bed. No, I hadn\u0026rsquo;t spent the night on the front, side or even the back lawn, though all are logical guesses based on my unrelenting obesity and ongoing disregard for healthy life choices. I decided a while back to sleep on the couch after it became evident that my snoring was causing the wife grief. I won\u0026rsquo;t bother to mention that \u003cem\u003eher\u003c/em\u003e recent propensity for snoring was also causing \u003cem\u003eme\u003c/em\u003e grief, because I\u0026rsquo;d feel obliged to also say that when she snores, I\u0026rsquo;d (gently) kick her (to an unprosecutable degree) until it stopped. I don\u0026rsquo;t need y\u0026rsquo;all thinking even less of me than y\u0026rsquo;all already do. And there I went saying all those things I wasn\u0026rsquo;t going to say. Comedy!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Pretty sure that's my lane"},{"content":"To write anything witty!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/its-too-damn-hot/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eTo write anything witty!\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003caudio controls preload=\"metadata\"\u003e\n  \u003csource src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/YouRuinTheForthOfEverything.mp3\" type=\"audio/mp3\"\u003e\n  Your browser does not support the audio element.\n\u003c/audio\u003e","title":"It's too damn hot..."},{"content":"For the second weekend in a row I spent my days fixing, or attempting to fix shit. Mostly succeeded except that damn air bag light in my car. In addition to being well known as a destroyer of chairs, I\u0026rsquo;ve also had quite the track record of breaking heads off bolts. That tradition continued today as I went to replace a crash sensor in the Corolla. Worked on that summa bitch for the next few hours but have to concede that what started as a Barnhardt project will be ending a Mester one for he has the tools and I, I just have a terrific neck and back ache. And so I drink.\nFor dinner I thought I\u0026rsquo;d grab myself a sub from the way of Subs. Pulled into the parking lot just after a silver car. Popped out of my seat and into Subway ahead of them. Small victory. At the counter I made the call \u0026ndash; sub of the day. Footlong Subway Club. Whole wheat bread. Toast it. The whitest of cheeses. Cue a bad feeling about things to come, but no idea why. Ordered up all the toppings with a final request for salt and pepper and honey mustard to top it off. Looked away for a fraction of a second, then back, just in time to see the lovely Subway chick quite literally hosing down the sub with sub sauce. I didn\u0026rsquo;t order sub sauce. I was hungry though so I didn\u0026rsquo;t call her on it. There was no fixing the situation and I wasn\u0026rsquo;t about to go through the line again. How bad can it be? It was unquestionably the worst sub of my life. Like a tube sock full of old vegetables and clearance cold cuts dipped in snot. And so I drink.\nOh and also, it\u0026rsquo;s not Sunday so the sub of the day is not the Subway Club, which means I paid full price for that tube sock. And so I\u0026hellip; ah screw it. I\u0026rsquo;m going to bed.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/collateral-damage/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eFor the second weekend in a row I spent my days fixing, or attempting to fix shit. Mostly succeeded except that damn air bag light in my car. In addition to being well known as a destroyer of chairs, I\u0026rsquo;ve also had quite the track record of breaking heads off bolts. That tradition continued today as I went to replace a crash sensor in the Corolla. Worked on that summa bitch for the next few hours but have to concede that what started as a Barnhardt project will be ending a Mester one for he has the tools and I, I just have a terrific neck and back ache. And so I drink.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Collateral damage"},{"content":"And there it was \u0026ndash; a singular fallen cookie.\nOn display for all to see but no one\u0026rsquo;s buying it. Dropped there by a careless teen, no doubt. Those teens can\u0026rsquo;t do anything right. Not that I wouldn\u0026rsquo;t eat it. I would. I\u0026rsquo;d quite literally eat anything. I\u0026rsquo;d even eat a cookie dipped in ranch dressing if need be. By I\u0026rsquo;d even I mean I did and by if need be I mean unprovoked and it was yesterday and I showed everyone and it was HILARIOUS.\nQuick note to the elderly man and his wife and grandson from the movie theatre the other day. If you enter a theatre that\u0026rsquo;s mostly empty and see a tubby, thin-haired man and his son who\u0026rsquo;ve clearly left a 3-seat buffer to the aisle, find somewhere else to sit ya dickweed. Yeah, I\u0026rsquo;ll stand up and move over but you\u0026rsquo;re getting a dirty look that\u0026rsquo;ll haunt you to the end of your days which, let\u0026rsquo;s face it, will probably conclude no more than 5 to 10 years after mine.\nWarning light\u0026rsquo;s on in my car for the airbag and safety system. Gotta stop by NiagaraFallsKyle\u0026rsquo;s house tomorrow for a scan job. Now there\u0026rsquo;s a guy with great hair. A confident ginger with thick, lustrous locks. Such a great talker too. Maybe he\u0026rsquo;ll update me on the current trends in Japanese eel cunt porn. Maybe he\u0026rsquo;ll show me his recent not-square TV or appliance acquisition. Don\u0026rsquo;t know. All I can say for sure is there\u0026rsquo;ll probably be a cat at the door that I\u0026rsquo;m not sure I should be letting in or out, as the case may be. Yep. Pretty exciting Thursday lined up.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/still-good/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAnd there it was \u0026ndash; a singular fallen cookie.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/20180209_151728-e1518669084431.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOn display for all to see but no one\u0026rsquo;s buying it. Dropped there by a careless teen, no doubt. Those teens can\u0026rsquo;t do anything right. Not that I wouldn\u0026rsquo;t eat it. I would. I\u0026rsquo;d quite literally eat anything. I\u0026rsquo;d even eat a cookie dipped in ranch dressing if need be. By \u003cem\u003eI\u0026rsquo;d even\u003c/em\u003e I mean I did and by \u003cem\u003eif need be\u003c/em\u003e I mean unprovoked and it was yesterday and I showed everyone and it was HILARIOUS.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Still good"},{"content":"We\u0026rsquo;re the proud owners of a new piano. By new I mean real old. By real old, I mean it\u0026rsquo;s covered in dust, drywall spackling and scratches and one of the feet is busted up and being held together by electrical tape. I was told I should do something about the foot asap. No shit. I couldn\u0026rsquo;t help but stare down my smiling son and grinning wife and criticize the hell out of the piano and the decision of said wife to acquire it because, yeah, I need more shit to fix.\nI really am a delight, trust me.\nDuring my bitch sesh, I noticed a spider scurrying across the floor. It quite certainly came from the piano. I took a pic of the little fucker.\nIf you think I didn\u0026rsquo;t immediately launch into a rant about how the piano was full of poisonous spiders that were going to take over the house, well\u0026hellip; I guess you haven\u0026rsquo;t quite figured me out yet, have you? Thought I was a nice guy? Oh, you\u0026rsquo;re looking for FortErieAdam. He\u0026rsquo;s terrific!\nWith picture in hand, I Googled \u0026ldquo;identify this spider\u0026rdquo; and came upon spiderid.com. If you post a picture they\u0026rsquo;ll identify it. It\u0026rsquo;s free, which I didn\u0026rsquo;t care for, but went ahead with it anyway. Within an hour, I got a reply:\nHi, welcome to Spider ID. ? This is a Triangulate Cobweb Weaver ( Steatoda triangulosa).\nCool. Wikipedia\u0026rsquo;d that and seems this is a harmless little guy. I should say was harmless because I flattened his ass into the deepest grooves of dining room tile before the aforementioned research results came in. I took no delight in it, but since my son hates even the slightest spider and he\u0026rsquo;s the piano man, it really needed to happen. Well, that and I took delight in it.\nI\u0026rsquo;m the worst! Happy Tuesday!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/sweet-caroline/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWe\u0026rsquo;re the proud owners of a new piano. By new I mean real old. By real old, I mean it\u0026rsquo;s covered in dust, drywall spackling and scratches and one of the feet is busted up and being held together by electrical tape. I was told I should do something about the foot asap. No shit. I couldn\u0026rsquo;t help but stare down my smiling son and grinning wife and criticize the hell out of the piano and the decision of said wife to acquire it because, yeah, I need more shit to fix.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Sweet Caroline"},{"content":"Went back to the doc\u0026rsquo;s office today to see if I could get away with not paying for parking again. I did. Also followed up on those X-rays. Turns out after 41 years of carrying this bloated Barnhardt head around I\u0026rsquo;ve got a touch of arthritis in there. I can deal with that. Seems like a good excuse to drink more. More honourable at least than previous drinking motivations which included \u0026ldquo;make snoring louder,\u0026rdquo; \u0026ldquo;taking stretch jeans to their limit\u0026rdquo; and \u0026ldquo;get dat change from dat bottle return\u0026rdquo; at the height of an ill-conceived rasta phase.\nWaiting for the doc to come in, I sat there, annoyed that I always go in around 9 and get told he\u0026rsquo;s not there yet and have to wait another 20 minutes. This time I made good use of those minutes by strafing the floor with boogers. No grade A blood boogers or hair boogers (the king of boogers), but I did what I could. While waiting I also got to overhear a couple of conversations from other rooms including an elderly lady who requested a paper cup to pee in rather than a plastic jar because the jar always gives her trouble. Seems like a lateral move, but what the hell do I know about collecting piss from\u0026hellip; wherever a female human\u0026rsquo;s piss comes from.\nEvening ended with my boy\u0026rsquo;s hockey game and then me giving him some pointers on improving his play. He quietly listened this time but usually interrupts with plenty of frustrated I know\u0026rsquo;s. Can\u0026rsquo;t fault him for it. He\u0026rsquo;s definitely aware that I\u0026rsquo;ve played exactly zero hockey games in my life. In fact, even the mechanics of shooting a puck while wearing skates on ice is entirely beyond my comprehension. What\u0026rsquo;s within my comprehension? Entertaining you people. And by you people I mean perhaps Joe, maybe Rich (a coworker from almost 20 years ago) and without question, as my site stats show, several random Swedes and web wandering commies from the dirtiest parts of Russia. Special shout out to Yurka and Vlad. Thanks for believing in me.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/rhythm-of-my-plight/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWent back to the doc\u0026rsquo;s office today to see if I could get away with not paying for parking again. I did. Also followed up on those X-rays. Turns out after 41 years of carrying this bloated Barnhardt head around I\u0026rsquo;ve got a touch of arthritis in there. I can deal with that. Seems like a good excuse to drink more. More honourable at least than previous drinking motivations which included \u0026ldquo;make snoring louder,\u0026rdquo; \u0026ldquo;taking stretch jeans to their limit\u0026rdquo; and \u0026ldquo;get dat change from dat bottle return\u0026rdquo; at the height of an ill-conceived rasta phase.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Rhythm of my plight"},{"content":"Someone didn\u0026rsquo;t make his breakfast oats last night. Someone had to Timmy\u0026rsquo;s it up this morning. Someone got to the right speaker after a muggle got to the left speaker but then made it to the pickup window first. Someone\u0026rsquo;s awesome! Someone\u0026rsquo;s terribly petty, but awesome.\nDude came into the hardware store while I was browsing the light bulb aisle during my lunch hour. He walked in with music playing on his phone. Loudly. Without headphones. Like he was walking into a pool party at his cokehead brother Marty\u0026rsquo;s house and Marty, on account of the costly coke habit, couldn\u0026rsquo;t afford a stereo so he asked this guy to turn it up to 20. But this wasn\u0026rsquo;t Marty\u0026rsquo;s house \u0026ndash; it was a public store. Hey, Goober, this ain\u0026rsquo;t the WWE and you don\u0026rsquo;t get no entrance music. Now go get that lumber to make a ramp for the needy disabled kids over at the orphanage, you fucking sack of shit.\nThen I headed to McDonald\u0026rsquo;s because time was running out to get back to work, I justified. So I choked down, with no satisfaction but plenty of unbridled vigor, a double Big Mac meal with a Coke. It was well assembled and perky. I took a circuitous route back to the office so my right hand had time to ensure no fry went uneaten. My shame, greasy hands and bitch tits slinked back into work and the afternoon coasted on.\nGot home in time to catch most of the terrific Leaf\u0026rsquo;s game and to find that my replacement laptop keyboard had been delivered. It\u0026rsquo;s terrific! So potato-chip free, unboogered and the keys are as soft as a Carolan wang on a wedding night. No offense to any particular Carolan on that one. Pick your least favourite. I choose Bob Carolan. Legend is he\u0026rsquo;s horribly disfigured, brutally honest and totally invisible except his testicles which are, in every way, spectacular.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/im-just-a-sexy-boy/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSomeone didn\u0026rsquo;t make his breakfast oats last night. Someone had to Timmy\u0026rsquo;s it up this morning. Someone got to the right speaker after a muggle got to the left speaker but then made it to the pickup window first. Someone\u0026rsquo;s awesome! Someone\u0026rsquo;s terribly petty, but awesome.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDude came into the hardware store while I was browsing the light bulb aisle during my lunch hour. He walked in with music playing on his phone. Loudly. Without headphones. Like he was walking into a pool party at his cokehead brother Marty\u0026rsquo;s house and Marty, on account of the costly coke habit, couldn\u0026rsquo;t afford a stereo so he asked this guy to turn it up to 20. But this wasn\u0026rsquo;t Marty\u0026rsquo;s house \u0026ndash; it was a public store. Hey, Goober, this ain\u0026rsquo;t the WWE and you don\u0026rsquo;t get no entrance music. Now go get that lumber to make a ramp for the needy disabled kids over at the orphanage, you fucking sack of shit.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I'm just a sexy boy"},{"content":"Ah, pizza day at school. There\u0026rsquo;s a couple of these a month and it\u0026rsquo;s a sweet reprieve from the backbreaking obligation of microwaving soup for 2 minutes for my kid\u0026rsquo;s lunch. Sorry, toilet. That extra two minutes with my butthole while I pooped and web surfed was pizza\u0026rsquo;s fault, and not in the usual way pizza leads me to you. We still friends? Yeah? Ok, good. Eat shit and live, good buddy.\nHeaded to Subway for lunch today when I realized I had 5 dollars left on a Dairy Queen gift card burning a hole in my wallet, so I made a detour. Pulled in and parked as a bike-riding degenerate with a backpack wheeled in. Walked in just after him and he approached the counter with a possible fake limp. I overheard him ask for the manager and then start berating the man while waving a gift card in his face. Not since the Dairy Scream incident of \u0026lsquo;05 has someone been so enraged in this holiest of places.\nI figured the goober was trying to use a defunct card he found in the gutter next to his \u0026ldquo;bed\u0026rdquo; in the hopes of exchanging it for cash. While he was hustling the manager, I approached and ordered a fantastic 4 chicken strip basket and whipped my own gift card out with authority. Dude behind the counter said, Oh, sorry, we can\u0026rsquo;t accept gift cards. We\u0026rsquo;ve changed ownership and can\u0026rsquo;t accept or sell them yet. Maybe next Monday, which probably explained what bikey\u0026rsquo;s complaint was about. On any other day I would\u0026rsquo;ve had to choke the plump employee out, but since Alfonzo the alley dweller was well on his way to scamming a free order of fries his damn self, I vetoed the notion of stealing his thunder.\nI got my food and went to find a seat. My bad fortune changed as I happened upon a booth where someone had left 2 unopened barbecue sauces. Hmm, and I\u0026rsquo;d been given 2 of my own. That was no accident. I hadn\u0026rsquo;t gone there by chance. I do not believe in chance. When I see four sauce tubs, four chicken strips. I do not see coincidence. I see providence. I see purpose. I believe it was my fate to be there. My destiny. I believe those sauces held for me, the very meaning of my life.\nThat was Morpheus\u0026rsquo;s speech from Matrix Reloaded, but it also works for a middle-aged dweeb about to give four deep fried chicken strips solo head-to-toe sauce baths, right?\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/fudq/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAh, pizza day at school. There\u0026rsquo;s a couple of these a month and it\u0026rsquo;s a sweet reprieve from the backbreaking obligation of microwaving soup for 2 minutes for my kid\u0026rsquo;s lunch. Sorry, toilet. That extra two minutes with my butthole while I pooped and web surfed was pizza\u0026rsquo;s fault, and not in the usual way pizza leads me to you. We still friends? Yeah? Ok, good. Eat shit and live, good buddy.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"FUDQ"},{"content":"Went to Ottawa with the youngling over the weekend and Dave Barnhardted the hell out of it. You know what I\u0026rsquo;m talking about. Used reward points for the room, rental car and gas. Used a gift card for the DQ. Used a bathroom tug job for extra butter on my Leafs game popcorn. It was mostly a terrific time. Even the muscle burn from upwards of 38 minutes of low intensity old man skating felt good. Maybe I should exercise more. Or maybe I should vodka more. Tough call.\nMy space bar has failed me.\nTry to ignore the pube on the Alt and the dead skin on the N. Let\u0026rsquo;s really focus on the\u0026hellip; mayonnaise? tears and onion salt? melted cheese? It\u0026rsquo;s definitely food that lies beneath the broken space bar, but God only knows whether it\u0026rsquo;s more of a fridge or pantry item. Anyway, I\u0026rsquo;m saving up to replace the keyboard. Two weeks sans bagels should do it, which means I\u0026rsquo;ll be tapping away on this piece of shit for a few more years. Ah well, who needspace barswhen you\u0026rsquo;vegotalcohol.Fuck.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/im-not-buying-you-captain-crunch/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWent to Ottawa with the youngling over the weekend and Dave Barnhardted the hell out of it. You know what I\u0026rsquo;m talking about. Used reward points for the room, rental car and gas. Used a gift card for the DQ. Used a bathroom tug job for extra butter on my Leafs game popcorn. It was mostly a terrific time. Even the muscle burn from upwards of 38 minutes of low intensity old man skating felt good. Maybe I should exercise more. Or maybe I should vodka more. Tough call.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I'm not buying you Captain Crunch"},{"content":"Went to the doctor\u0026rsquo;s today for a check up of the old neck which now aches on the regular. In the lot I decided I didn\u0026rsquo;t want to pay for parking, so I didn\u0026rsquo;t. Whisked myself to the front door past a silver-haired lady buying parking and a silver-haired man reversing his car about to erase her. I\u0026rsquo;d have turned around to see how that played out, but, you know\u0026hellip; bad neck.\nInside I approached the expanse of reception windows behind which sat 4 ladies of varying ages but identically imperceptible desires to live. As I tried to decide which window to approach, number 2 made eye contact with me and gave a shoulder shrug which I returned in kind, but that cute moment solved nothing. Couple of minutes later I was welcomed in by a nurse who checked my blood pressure, listened to me whine about my blood pressure, reassured me the figures were reasonable and then rightly got the hell outta there.\nDoc came in and fast talked his way through a 3-minute exchange during which he agreed to an X-ray. Sent me off to the building next door where I once again refused to pay for parking. Quickly got registered and headed to the X-ray lounge \u0026ndash; an area that\u0026rsquo;s typically empty, but today, not so much. There was an athletic dude adorned in NHL garb who no doubt had an injury cooler than \u0026ldquo;middle-aged fat guy with large head and sore neck.\u0026rdquo; Then there was a mother and teen aged kid named Cole.\nCole was called in first and given detailed instructions on undressing and robing up. He struggled with this for a good 10 minutes while his mom sat in the waiting area and took a phone call from possibly Cole\u0026rsquo;s father. She explained to the man on the phone that Cole had a blockage and might need to change his diet. No, I don\u0026rsquo;t think he eats too much cheese, she said, then followed up with, V egetables have fibre. Brilliant dame. Cole came out a bit later and they both giggled about his trouble with the gown, then mom quickly gave Cole an electronic device to keep him busy.\nI continued to sit there for perhaps another 10 minutes, gazing at my surroundings after getting sick of fiddling with my phone. There\u0026rsquo;s plenty of dangling plastic conduits, outdated corkboard postings and questionable electrical work to keep the eyes entertained in that place. She\u0026rsquo;s beat up, but gotta give the old hospital credit for still hanging around.\nDecided my game of pay parking roulette was a dangerous one, so I waddled out to the parking lot. Pulled some coins from my car\u0026rsquo;s bagel change drawer and walked up to the pay-for-parking machine. It said I needed 3 dollars, but I only had grabbed $2.50. That was all the encouragement I needed to say screw it to paying for parking for a third time. Put the money back in the car, figured I\u0026rsquo;d let it roll and headed back in.\nHmm, athletic guy was gone. A new player, an older lady with fancy mukluks grunted into a seat just ahead of me. A moment later, a teenager came in and sat beside me. Clearly this was the place to be on a cold winter Tuesday. Mukluks stood up and approached the counter where she was told to try to empty a bit more and I\u0026rsquo;m gonna assume that meant piss. She said she couldn\u0026rsquo;t do it and she turned around and sat down. Younger nurse then came out and called out, \u0026ldquo;Cole\u0026rdquo; looking for the constipated kid. Mukluks half turned to the nurse and said, Yes, I am\u0026hellip; and trailed off as she realized she\u0026rsquo;d misheard her and wasn\u0026rsquo;t being asked if she was warm enough. I felt a bit embarrassed for her, but the ornamental footwear suggested she wasn\u0026rsquo;t the kind of person who cared what others thought, so I deemed her fine and offered no sympathy.\nA short time later I was called in by both my first and last name. That wasn\u0026rsquo;t necessary. Went in and followed their instructions to remove my coat and glasses. The nurse contorted me in several directions and X-rayed the hell outta my neck. At one point she went to adjust my chin and her hand slipped and sort of batted me in the face. We laughed and laughed. After analyzing the moment a bit more, I figure she assumed I had a normal adult chin which should have been in the spot where she put her hand, but it was all a hairy ruse. I\u0026rsquo;m sorry, X-ray lady. You\u0026rsquo;re not gonna find bones or muscles where you expect them on this guy.\nSo I left with a slight bit of reassurance that maybe we\u0026rsquo;d get some more answers about what\u0026rsquo;s going on in this neck. I chose to celebrate with some coffee and a bagel.\nThe Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s drive thru was empty and I ordered a small dark roast and heavily cream-cheesed bagel real quick. $4 for some acid reflux and intense bloat? What a steal! At the window, I gave the girl a 20, took delivery of the coffee and received my change which I entirely kept. A minute later, a different girl came to the window and asked for $1.75 for a coffee. I said, No, I\u0026rsquo;m just waiting on a bagel. She closed the window and retreated. Thirty seconds later the bagel arrived from the first chick. I said a Thank you, but she didn\u0026rsquo;t respond. Maybe if I\u0026rsquo;d given her that loonie she would have. Maybe she would\u0026rsquo;ve placed the whole bagel in her mouth, unzipped my pants and placed it over my wang without using her hands. Probably not, though. Probably not.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/a-long-story-about-75-minutes-of-my-life/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWent to the doctor\u0026rsquo;s today for a check up of the old neck which now aches on the regular. In the lot I decided I didn\u0026rsquo;t want to pay for parking, so I didn\u0026rsquo;t. Whisked myself to the front door past a silver-haired lady buying parking and a silver-haired man reversing his car about to erase her. I\u0026rsquo;d have turned around to see how that played out, but, you know\u0026hellip; bad neck.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"A long story about 75 minutes of my life"},{"content":"Ran into FortErieKevin tonight at Walmart. The Thursday night Beam. Sam, see you tomorrow. I was grabbing some non-weiner related meds, onions, sour cream, crackers and\u0026hellip; wait a second. What are these?\nWell, I do enjoy things that are pickled so I\u0026rsquo;ll overlook the absence of \u0026ldquo;Artificial Anything\u0026rdquo; and the coked up, maraca-toting, monster-cocked party bean on the label. These might go well in a heavily-vodka\u0026rsquo;d caesar. Sure.\nGot home and ripped the jar open double quick. The first thing to greet my eye was not an extreme bean, but an extreme 6-inch black hair. Goddammit! Confirmed with the wife that it was a hair. Confirmed furthermore that I wasn\u0026rsquo;t a monster for wanting to consume the beans despite the hair. Confirmed.\nI emailed the company right away, because\u0026hellip; complaining is for winners?? Sent pictures of the label and the hair and told them my harrowing tale. They emailed back an hour later saying they \u0026ldquo;have incredibly high food safety standards\u0026rdquo; and the guy said \u0026ldquo;it\u0026rsquo;s the first time I have heard of it in one of our jars.\u0026rdquo; They want to \u0026ldquo;send some new jars\u0026rdquo; if I\u0026rsquo;d like.\nOoh. Tough call. I don\u0026rsquo;t want them to think I only emailed to get free stuff (I did). On the other hand, perhaps accepting the free beans will teach them a lesson (it won\u0026rsquo;t). Seems more like a Friday decision so I\u0026rsquo;ll sleep on this (watch TV \u0026rsquo;till 2 am, take a poop, snore \u0026rsquo;till dawn).\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/and-the-hendersons/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eRan into FortErieKevin tonight at Walmart. The Thursday night Beam. Sam, see you tomorrow. I was grabbing some non-weiner related meds, onions, sour cream, crackers and\u0026hellip; wait a second. What are these?\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/ExtremeBean.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWell, I do enjoy things that are pickled so I\u0026rsquo;ll overlook the absence of \u0026ldquo;Artificial Anything\u0026rdquo; and the coked up, maraca-toting, monster-cocked party bean on the label. These might go well in a heavily-vodka\u0026rsquo;d caesar. Sure.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGot home and ripped the jar open double quick. The first thing to greet my eye was not an extreme bean, but an extreme 6-inch black hair. Goddammit! Confirmed with the wife that it was a hair. Confirmed furthermore that I wasn\u0026rsquo;t a monster for wanting to consume the beans despite the hair. Confirmed.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"and the Hendersons"},{"content":"Anyone else not at all fooled by the fake Esso that popped up across from the race track? Nice try, whoever polished up the abandoned Petro, bought a two hundred dollar LED sign and squeezed the ESSO logo onto it. The place looks like Girdy stripped it of any valuable metal and I suspect going inside would result in you getting a loose butthole and much of South America getting your credit card details.\nFelt a bit peckish this afternoon so figured I\u0026rsquo;d hit up the office vending machine. Tried to time it so there\u0026rsquo;d be few witnesses. Scurried over during a quiet lull, pulled a 5 from my wallet and threw it in. Rejected. Flipped it. Rejected. Rotated it. Rejected. Massaged a heavy middle crease from it. Rejected. Massaged some more. Rejected. So hungry. Fingernailed some edge creases out. Rejected. Length-wise fold over and squeeze in one final hail Mary. Rejected. Looked up to see how many people were staring at me. No one. Hmm. One more try. Rejected. Screw it. McDonald\u0026rsquo;s and home rye and vodka it is. You win this round, snack robot.\nThat\u0026rsquo;s all I got for today. Where\u0026rsquo;s the third paragraph? Don\u0026rsquo;t be a bitch. Some days there won\u0026rsquo;t be three. Hey, some days there might even be four or five. Go fuck yourself! You read my mind.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/notso/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAnyone else not at all fooled by the fake Esso that popped up across from the race track? Nice try, whoever polished up the abandoned Petro, bought a two hundred dollar LED sign and squeezed the ESSO logo onto it. The place looks like Girdy stripped it of any valuable metal and I suspect going inside would result in you getting a loose butthole and much of South America getting your credit card details.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Notso"},{"content":"Snowy as a summa ma bitch this morning, so it was a slow drive to the office\u0026hellip; where I discovered there was no power because someone awesome had driven into a hydro pole. So I went for an early lunch, then played catch for an hour when I returned. The power came back on later in the afternoon, but that\u0026rsquo;s not the most noteworthy part of a day where I was elbow deep in buffalo fingers by 11:45 am.\nNear the end of the buffalo fingers, I felt the last one had an off texture. I proceeded to dissect it carefully with my knife and fork and decided it looked near enough to the proper shade of pink to proceed. We\u0026rsquo;ll see how this plays out tonight. This leads me to a pink chicken story from last year.\nI was in New York for work and having a chicken sandwich for dinner. Leave it to me to have a chicken sandwich at a place known for their steaks, but I like to live dangerously. First bite was sound. Second bite was a 4/5. Third bite is where things got dicey. Not close to the right texture, but the taste was right, so I pressed on. Next one sealed it and I pulled it apart to find it was almost completely uncooked.\nI\u0026rsquo;m not one to complain about shit at restaurants, but this was exceptionally nasty. I took the rest of it back up to the counter and showed the girl it was raw in the middle. She asked if I wanted my money back. I mulled that question over for an eighth of a second, realizing that what I was about to reply would be hard to explain when I\u0026rsquo;d retell the story later.\nNo, but I would like another sandwich. A different one, I said, still inexplicably famished whilst chicken blood dripped down my chin. I went with the steak. As they prepared it, the counter girl said, Yo u know what, I\u0026rsquo;m gonna refund you for the meal anyway. Sweet! That\u0026rsquo;s called the Ryan Spoar double play right there.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-chicken-lingers/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSnowy as a summa ma bitch this morning, so it was a slow drive to the office\u0026hellip; where I discovered there was no power because someone awesome had driven into a hydro pole. So I went for an early lunch, then played catch for an hour when I returned. The power came back on later in the afternoon, but that\u0026rsquo;s not the most noteworthy part of a day where I was elbow deep in buffalo fingers by 11:45 am.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The chicken lingers"},{"content":"Got talking to FortErieSam last night and reminiscing about the extensive photo collection of her slamming back wine from the bottle at various events. We both enjoy them oh so much. They\u0026rsquo;re all great, but here\u0026rsquo;s our favourite:\nSam being awesome.\nI\u0026rsquo;m just gonna go ahead and post another great one\u0026hellip;\nOops. Nope, that\u0026rsquo;s someone\u0026rsquo;s delicately shorn junk next to someone else\u0026rsquo;s delighted gaze. Let\u0026rsquo;s try again\u0026hellip;\nGoddammit, more junk. What\u0026rsquo;s wrong with my friends and what button am I pressing? Forget it.\nWent into the bank today to get some cash shortly before heading to my boy\u0026rsquo;s hockey tournament. Was in a bit of a hurry so of course I was blocked from using the two machines by two seniors. Each of them was conducting what seemed like a month\u0026rsquo;s worth of transactions with the speed and focus of a debate competition. I bided my time thinking about writing this post and saying it looked like they were debating. Pulled back the curtain for you there. Disappointing, isn\u0026rsquo;t it?\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/road-cinnamon/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eGot talking to FortErieSam last night and reminiscing about the extensive photo collection of her slamming back wine from the bottle at various events. We both enjoy them oh so much. They\u0026rsquo;re all great, but here\u0026rsquo;s our favourite:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/IMG_3653-Custom.jpg\"\u003eSam being awesome.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;m just gonna go ahead and post another great one\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/SpoarWeiner.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOops. Nope, that\u0026rsquo;s someone\u0026rsquo;s delicately shorn junk next to someone else\u0026rsquo;s delighted gaze. Let\u0026rsquo;s try again\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/ShaunWeiner.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGoddammit, more junk. What\u0026rsquo;s wrong with my friends and what button am I pressing? Forget it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Road cinnamon"},{"content":"Dropped my boy off at hockey camp this morning and headed for Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s. Ordered a medium tea and breakfast sandwich for $5.63. Only had 20\u0026rsquo;s, so this wasn\u0026rsquo;t gonna be the window lady\u0026rsquo;s lucky day. Guess what, hun? You\u0026rsquo;re getting $21. You\u0026rsquo;re giving me the bills and coins and you\u0026rsquo;re not getting those coins back. It had less to do with my cheapness and more to do with my eagerness to get that sandwich inside me. Plus, you first handed me a large black coffee and you didn\u0026rsquo;t even say you were sorry. Furthermore, your window closes too fast for me to sit down my meal, separate the coins from the bills and hand the coins to you. I\u0026rsquo;ve left change on the window sill before, but always figure the dick behind me just grabs it. I don\u0026rsquo;t need the stress of wondering all day if you got your 37 cents.\nFurther along my journey to work, Google Maps suddenly added 25 minutes to the ETA and then told me there was an accident on the Burlington Skyway. As we approached the accident, Google offered up a better route that took those 25 minutes off. To my surprise, it actually worked out. It rarely does. I got rock hard seeing highway traffic at a standstill while I was flying down the service road. Just as many times it\u0026rsquo;s me that\u0026rsquo;s sitting on the highway in that mess, so I refuse to feel any guilt over said boner.\nSwung by the Best Buy at lunch. While waiting in line I heard a couple of greasy guys arguing with an employee about some kind of scam they were trying to pull with a return. Something about it being made to look like it was damaged from the start when the customers clearly broke it. Made me think back to the time way back when Jeff and I felt compelled to buy cap guns at Walmart. I made some improvements by cutting off part of my gun for some stupid reason. Well, the next day, consumed with regret, Jeff returned his and I decided I didn\u0026rsquo;t want mine either, but I\u0026rsquo;d already fucked with it. Didn\u0026rsquo;t stop me. I packed it back up and made it look as unfucked with as possible. When the return lady asked me to sign for it, I did. Dave Girdlestone. For a guy that doesn\u0026rsquo;t really exist, I\u0026rsquo;m already pretty sure I hate him.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/steep-it-honey/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eDropped my boy off at hockey camp this morning and headed for Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s. Ordered a medium tea and breakfast sandwich for $5.63. Only had 20\u0026rsquo;s, so this wasn\u0026rsquo;t gonna be the window lady\u0026rsquo;s lucky day. \u003cem\u003eGuess what, hun? You\u0026rsquo;re getting $21. You\u0026rsquo;re giving me the bills and coins and you\u0026rsquo;re not getting those coins back\u003c/em\u003e. It had less to do with my cheapness and more to do with my eagerness to get that sandwich inside me. Plus, you first handed me a large black coffee and you didn\u0026rsquo;t even say you were sorry. Furthermore, your window closes too fast for me to sit down my meal, separate the coins from the bills and hand the coins to you. I\u0026rsquo;ve left change on the window sill before, but always figure the dick behind me just grabs it. I don\u0026rsquo;t need the stress of wondering all day if you got your 37 cents.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Steep it, honey"},{"content":"Oh, hi there, 2018. I know, I know. I\u0026rsquo;m shocked to see you too!\nWe gathered at the Girdlestone ranch last eve as we and our forefathers have for centuries. I packed along my good friends Pepsi, rum, ginger ale, Clamato and Clamato\u0026rsquo;s asshole pal vodka. Also packed a load of traditional Barnhardt pretzel bites made from the classic Barnhardt family pretzel recipe that I found on Google yesterday afternoon. Who doesn\u0026rsquo;t love a heavily salted and somewhat undercooked pretzel? Several folks, it seems.\nGood to see Jeff, Stacey, Dave, Crystal, Beam, Sam, Adam and a random assortment of allegedly local residents who I believe only exist within the confines of Jeff\u0026rsquo;s house for the last 4 hours of each year and first 4 of the next. I intended to produce a photo gallery from the night but my search for photo-worthy moments resulted in a view filled with upwards of 1 person I actually recognized. On second thought, I guess I missed the opportunity to create an album showing nameless strangers repeatedly watching football highlights while not eating spongy, flavorless pretzel bites.\nWent to bed about 4:30 am after a ride home from Adam Girdlestone, who is now on his way to reclaiming the title of best Girdlestone. Woke up at 9:30 am feeling better than I had any right to feel having consumed about a milk bag\u0026rsquo;s worth of liquor and sleeping only 5 hours. So either the \u0026ldquo;adult pudding\u0026rdquo; Stacey fed me contained as much Tylenol as it did Bailey\u0026rsquo;s or the secret to a fulfilling post-bender sleep is contained deep within the mushy, wet-napkin-textured innards of the classic Barnhardt pretzel. Go figure.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/ear-pimple/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eOh, hi there, 2018. I know, I know. I\u0026rsquo;m shocked to see you too!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe gathered at the Girdlestone ranch last eve as we and our forefathers have for centuries. I packed along my good friends Pepsi, rum, ginger ale, Clamato and Clamato\u0026rsquo;s asshole pal vodka. Also packed a load of traditional Barnhardt pretzel bites made from the classic Barnhardt family pretzel recipe that I found on Google yesterday afternoon. Who doesn\u0026rsquo;t love a heavily salted and somewhat undercooked pretzel? Several folks, it seems.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Ear pimple"},{"content":"I think the worst part about re-fattening myself is that my muffin top is always aggressively trying to push my pants down. It\u0026rsquo;s a constant battle to keep my belt line north of my beaver. This means that when I\u0026rsquo;m in a store shopping for vanilla-scented bath items for myself, it probably looks to the employees like I\u0026rsquo;m tucking a creme brulé bath bomb into my trousers. I\u0026rsquo;m not though and I wouldn\u0026rsquo;t dream of it. I would, however, dream of hiring a prostitute to change my oil. No innuendo there, I\u0026rsquo;d just really like to see a productive whore take a task off my list.\nOn second thought, the worst part of tubby is probably the wheezing, back pains and extra care needed to create a fake chin out of low grade facial hair. Or maybe it\u0026rsquo;s the knee pain, increased volume of acne, trouble sleeping\u0026hellip; It\u0026rsquo;s all bad, kids. Go thin and you\u0026rsquo;ll win. That\u0026rsquo;s a shirt. A better one is Put Your Shitter On My Spitter! I came up with that a while back. Don\u0026rsquo;t steal it, please. That one\u0026rsquo;s got legs.\nI partially fixed a hole today. I overfilled a car with oil. I then drained a bit of oil. Seems right now. I shoveled some snow. I\u0026rsquo;ll probably continue the hole fixing tomorrow. I guess not all heroes wear capes. Some wear\u0026hellip; one sec\u0026rsquo;\u0026hellip; size 38, tight-fitting jeans made by\u0026hellip; one sec\u0026rsquo;\u0026hellip; Point Zero. Oh Jesus. These were the stretchy denim ones\u0026hellip; That used to be generously sized. Fuuuck.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/movie-of-the-weak/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI think the worst part about re-fattening myself is that my muffin top is always aggressively trying to push my pants down. It\u0026rsquo;s a constant battle to keep my belt line north of my beaver. This means that when I\u0026rsquo;m in a store shopping for vanilla-scented bath items for myself, it probably looks to the employees like I\u0026rsquo;m tucking a creme brulé bath bomb into my trousers. I\u0026rsquo;m not though and I wouldn\u0026rsquo;t dream of it. I would, however, dream of hiring a prostitute to change my oil. No innuendo there, I\u0026rsquo;d just really like to see a productive whore take a task off my list.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Movie of the weak"},{"content":"\nWhenever I\u0026rsquo;m enjoying a frosty mid-day bloody caesar, I think it\u0026rsquo;s the perfect time for you yourself to enjoy a frosty mid-day bloody caesar.\nWhenever I\u0026rsquo;m plowing through my 5th and 6th samosa slathered in spicy cheese dip, you should probably stick with the plate of chicken nuggets or tumbler of sliced cucumbers you\u0026rsquo;re working on.\nWhenever I\u0026rsquo;m furthermore contemplating face fucking a bag of premium dill pickle chips, you should probably consider stopping by and mashing me across the back with a 2x4 so I\u0026rsquo;ll stop eating myself to death.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/sitting-duck/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/caesar.gif\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhenever I\u0026rsquo;m enjoying a frosty mid-day bloody caesar, I think it\u0026rsquo;s the perfect time for you yourself to enjoy a frosty mid-day bloody caesar.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhenever I\u0026rsquo;m plowing through my 5th and 6th samosa slathered in spicy cheese dip, you should probably stick with the plate of chicken nuggets or tumbler of sliced cucumbers you\u0026rsquo;re working on.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhenever I\u0026rsquo;m furthermore contemplating face fucking a bag of premium dill pickle chips, you should probably consider stopping by and mashing me across the back with a 2x4 so I\u0026rsquo;ll stop eating myself to death.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Sitting duck"},{"content":"Currently sitting on the toilet eating some Christmas stocking beef jerky. I think I might be shocked to hear how many of you have never eaten whilst you poop. I\u0026rsquo;ve definitely eaten many a high school breakfast on this thing and I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure some have involved a TV tray for added comfort. I can\u0026rsquo;t even force myself to call it disgusting. It\u0026rsquo;s a real time saver. There are poo particles floating in the air that will attach themselves to your food, you\u0026rsquo;d say. Well, how do you think the poo feels about the bagel-with-cheese particles?, I\u0026rsquo;d reply. Science doesn\u0026rsquo;t support your argument and you will end up quite sick!, you\u0026rsquo;d proclaim. Wait, why are you wiping your ass with $2 worth of toilet paper each time?!, you\u0026rsquo;d enthusiastically inquire. Know what, you should just leave. You\u0026rsquo;re not going to see things get better.\nWent to the Canada Finland game in Buffalo yesterday. Good times and a nice win by the good guys. The weather was bitterly cold and I encountered a parking lot attendant sans gloves. He was struggling to get his frosty digits to tear the parking slip in half. His senses were so dulled he almost forgot to take my $20. I whimsically quipped, It\u0026rsquo;s so cold and you don\u0026rsquo;t even have any gloves! He giggled at what was, simply, a fact and not creative in the least. I like to think the giggles we shared have made us lifelong friends but I don\u0026rsquo;t need a friend who forgets gloves and he probably only likes people with a single chin.\nSlept until 10:30 today which means yet another first place in the Barnhardt family sleeping contest (that the other competitors refuse to agree they\u0026rsquo;re part of). Not feeling too bad today. Most recently I\u0026rsquo;ve had some old man neck and back aches upon waking up and throughout the day. Today\u0026rsquo;s alright so far. Think I\u0026rsquo;ll go for a walk with the\u0026hellip; Hey, where did these samosas come from? Aaaaand I\u0026rsquo;m on the couch watching Die Hard 2.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/lorissas-kitchen/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eCurrently sitting on the toilet eating some Christmas stocking beef jerky. I think I might be shocked to hear how many of you have never eaten whilst you poop. I\u0026rsquo;ve definitely eaten many a high school breakfast on this thing and I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure some have involved a TV tray for added comfort. I can\u0026rsquo;t even force myself to call it disgusting. It\u0026rsquo;s a real time saver. \u003cem\u003eThere are poo particles floating in the air that will attach themselves to your food\u003c/em\u003e, you\u0026rsquo;d say. \u003cem\u003eWell, how do you think the poo feels about the bagel-with-cheese particles?\u003c/em\u003e, I\u0026rsquo;d reply. \u003cem\u003eScience doesn\u0026rsquo;t support your argument and you will end up quite sick!\u003c/em\u003e, you\u0026rsquo;d proclaim. \u003cem\u003eWait, why are you wiping your ass with $2 worth of toilet paper each time?!\u003c/em\u003e, you\u0026rsquo;d enthusiastically inquire. \u003cem\u003eKnow what, you should just leave. You\u0026rsquo;re not going to see things get better.\u003c/em\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Lorissa's Kitchen"},{"content":"Went to the doctor\u0026rsquo;s early in November. Got checked up and sent for some blood work and a check of the old ticker. They found my blood pressure was high. First time that\u0026rsquo;s happened, believe it or not. I\u0026rsquo;m notoriously cheap, so it was probably because I was worried about getting a parking ticket. Asked the blood receptionist if the 10 minutes left on my pass was enough for her to do her thing. She said not to worry about the parking and if I got a ticket I could bring it to her to take care of. Took this to mean that she wanted me and appreciated a deep, moderately pimpled hairline.\nSat down for the blood lady to do her work. I stared down the needle and she started hunting for a vein within what can best be described as a lard pile 10 McNuggets deep. I didn\u0026rsquo;t want to throw off her game with my intense gaze, so to calm her I said, I always watch when I get blood taken. Don\u0026rsquo;t think I\u0026rsquo;m judging you. To which she replied, It\u0026rsquo;s fine. Everyone else does. Sounds like someone hurt blood lady. Hurt her much like she hurt me moments later by working the needle beneath my skin like a fighter pilot working the stick in a dogfight.\nSo I went back for my results and nothing too shocking came up, but that time my blood pressure was good. Then yesterday I was in a Shoppers and tested it and it was WAY up high again. Well, I don\u0026rsquo;t know what to believe. I do know what to believe about this $4 King Cube ice maker from Dollarama.\n3 stars! What\u0026rsquo;s that you say? We should continue to discuss the blood pressure issue and I should get back to the doctor for a follow up? Well I\u0026rsquo;m sorry, I can\u0026rsquo;t hear you over the sound of a massive cube of ice tumbling in my glass of sweet, sweet alcohol.\nMerry Christmas!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/blood-lady/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWent to the doctor\u0026rsquo;s early in November. Got checked up and sent for some blood work and a check of the old ticker. They found my blood pressure was high. First time that\u0026rsquo;s happened, believe it or not. I\u0026rsquo;m notoriously cheap, so it was probably because I was worried about getting a parking ticket. Asked the blood receptionist if the 10 minutes left on my pass was enough for her to do her thing. She said not to worry about the parking and if I got a ticket I could bring it to her to take care of. Took this to mean that she wanted me and appreciated a deep, moderately pimpled hairline.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Blood lady"},{"content":"Oh, hey. How ya been? Oh. Oh dear. Pretty terrible, eh? Well, I\u0026rsquo;m back. Ladies, get your pants down and gents, get your pants way down \u0026lsquo;cuz this is happening\u0026hellip; for a short while until I retreat into the sad, wretched jungle of my mind. :D (inappropriate emoji\u0026rsquo;s rock!)\nSo, it looks like they\u0026rsquo;re finally getting around to fixing up Dominion Road. You know, Dominion Road. For those times when there\u0026rsquo;s a chance the Garrison will be peppered with cops and you\u0026rsquo;ve had eight too many beers and need to leave the Girdlestone mansion wherever you may be. Fear not \u0026lsquo;cuz the D\u0026rsquo;s got your back. Joyfully pinball your rust-roofed Corolla car off the former Home Hardware, former Braun\u0026rsquo;s Suprette and former Kelly\u0026rsquo;s Auto as you take your left turn, s-curve, slight left, hard left and wide right journey home.\nDominion Road at Chapin Parkway.\nThat stretch of the road brings back some memories. It was near that spot during my long walk home from a Ridgeway ditch after the Girdy wedding that I discovered I was mostly covered in vomit and my pants had been attacked by a cougar, or so their appearance would suggest. Nonetheless, I made it home with a little help from Mama C. Shout out to her for driving up to me near Crescent Road and without a hint of curiosity about why I was in that place and condition at such an early hour, she offered me a ride home. She\u0026rsquo;s a hip, hip lady.\nPut another notch in the birthday belt today. Started with a chirping smoke alarm at 2 am. Dead batteries. Five years old so I can\u0026rsquo;t fault them, but I will, for bad timing if nothing else. Some post-breakfast Christmas shopping, because if you hate shopping on a regular day, why not do it on your birthday? Late lunch at Subway where they didn\u0026rsquo;t have Italian Herb \u0026amp; Cheese bread or sliced American cheese. They did have shitty hearing though and gave me a 12-inch sub when I asked for a 6. I let it slide. Maybe they knew better than me how many inches I needed. Short while later some Lee\u0026rsquo;s for dinner where I hugged an employee who didn\u0026rsquo;t want it. Back home and ate 3 Twinkies. Only 5 more to go in the box. It\u0026rsquo;s not a competition, someone reasonable might say, moments before I win first place.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/bumpy-road/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eOh, hey. How ya been? Oh. Oh dear. Pretty terrible, eh? Well, I\u0026rsquo;m back. Ladies, get your pants down and gents, get your pants way down \u0026lsquo;cuz this is happening\u0026hellip; for a short while until I retreat into the sad, wretched jungle of my mind. :D  (inappropriate emoji\u0026rsquo;s rock!)\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo, it looks like they\u0026rsquo;re finally getting around to fixing up Dominion Road. You know, Dominion Road. For those times when there\u0026rsquo;s a chance the Garrison will be peppered with cops and you\u0026rsquo;ve had eight too many beers and need to leave the Girdlestone mansion wherever you may be. Fear not \u0026lsquo;cuz the D\u0026rsquo;s got your back. Joyfully pinball your rust-roofed Corolla car off the former Home Hardware, former Braun\u0026rsquo;s Suprette and former Kelly\u0026rsquo;s Auto as you take your left turn, s-curve, slight left, hard left and wide right journey home.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Bumpy road"},{"content":"My day began at about 4:25 this morning. Bladder was full. I convinced myself that it was fine and to just go back to sleep. Sooo tired. Maybe just a sip from my trusty bedside water goblet (Barnhardt\u0026rsquo;s tend to dehydrate, dontcha know\u0026hellip;). I slowly reached for the cup and misjudged it\u0026rsquo;s location, situating my grasp 2 centimetres too far south. My fingertips began to push the cup over. In my dopey state I figured the corrective measure would be to grab the cup\u0026hellip; with the same hand that was causing the trouble in the first place. This only resulted in tipping it more quickly. As the Smurf-blue BPA-rich plastic cup tapped on the 15-year-old Zellers bedside table, I briefly thought, Whew! No spill. Guess the cup was empty after a\u0026hellip; and then I heard the torrent of tepid water splash down onto the hardwood. That\u0026rsquo;s some pretty good comedic timing you\u0026rsquo;ve got, gravity.\nI paused, for a moment thinking maybe I\u0026rsquo;d dropped enough water to mingle in with the power outlets nearby and maybe, just maybe I\u0026rsquo;d be electrocuted and put out of my misery, thereby avoiding having to clean up this mess. But no such luck. I stood up to waddle my fat ass to the bathroom to fetch a towel. As I did, Maude, the 15-year-old cat that looks like she\u0026rsquo;s 3 let out a meow of curiosity. My response, because my reflexes are just as much of an asshole as their master, was to smack her in the face. Felt guilty for a second\u0026hellip; felt amused for 3 seconds\u0026hellip; and continued on to grab a bath towel and returned to sop it up. Then back to bed, all the while trying my best not to look at the time on the clock, lest my overactive brain start doing calculations about just how much sleep an obese almost 40-year-old fatty needs vs how much time was left between that moment and the 7 am alarm multiplied by just how much I hate myself\u0026hellip; shit. It was 4:25. My eye caught a glimpse. And so I rolled around for the next hour before a combination of rage, back pain and numbness in my legs exhausted me back to dreamland.\nAlarm went off at 7. Shut it off and closed my eyes. Opened them and it was 7:37. Son of a whore. Alright then\u0026hellip; quick shower, get on the road, Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s breakfast, work. Done and done.\nA day of work, experiencing varied amounts of satisfaction and frustration and a quick poop before leaving. I got the end stall. You know, the one with the toilet where you have to hold the handle for a 5 count to get your poop to go down. The one with the good 7/8\u0026quot; gap between the door and wall so if someone really wanted to see the horror of me browsing The Chive on my phone from the horrific angle where you can clearly see my stomach rests on my thighs and cuts off the circulation to my legs. The stall where, when someone uses the freshly installed hand dryers by the sink, the occupant gets a little off-draft of uncomfortably steamy air under the stall door and up his pant legs. That one.\nHome. Cereal for dinner. A chilled Guinness. Few episodes of Game of Thrones to get me all caught up. Off to bed, but had to stop in to write this. I can\u0026rsquo;t have you not knowing that I punched a cat in the face today.\nWait, punch? I thought you said \u0026ldquo;smack\u0026rdquo;?\nNope. More of a punch.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/of-course-it-tipped-over/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eMy day began at about 4:25 this morning. Bladder was full. I convinced myself that it was fine and to just go back to sleep. Sooo tired. Maybe just a sip from my trusty bedside water goblet (Barnhardt\u0026rsquo;s tend to dehydrate, dontcha know\u0026hellip;). I slowly reached for the cup and misjudged it\u0026rsquo;s location, situating my grasp 2 centimetres too far south. My fingertips began to push the cup over. In my dopey state I figured the corrective measure would be to grab the cup\u0026hellip; with the same hand that was causing the trouble in the first place. This only resulted in tipping it more quickly. As the Smurf-blue BPA-rich plastic cup tapped on the 15-year-old Zellers bedside table, I briefly thought, \u003cem\u003eWhew! No spill. Guess the cup was empty after a\u0026hellip;\u003c/em\u003e and then I heard the torrent of tepid water splash down onto the hardwood. \u003cem\u003eThat\u0026rsquo;s some pretty good comedic timing you\u0026rsquo;ve got, gravity.\u003c/em\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Of course it tipped over"},{"content":"Dave Barnhardt, 39, Fort Erie, Canada\nLikes\n- reality TV\n- potato chips\n- silence\n- Guinness\n- bulleted lists\n- discounts\n- sarcasm\n- staring\n- I don\u0026rsquo;t know\n- your mother\nDislikes\n- negativity\n- spite\n- you\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/dont-think-flans-answer/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDave Barnhardt, 39, Fort Erie, Canada\u003c/strong\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"Hodor\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/IMG_20160123_213555-e1453604771683.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eLikes\u003cbr\u003e\n- reality TV\u003cbr\u003e\n- potato chips\u003cbr\u003e\n- silence\u003cbr\u003e\n- Guinness\u003cbr\u003e\n- bulleted lists\u003cbr\u003e\n- discounts\u003cbr\u003e\n- sarcasm\u003cbr\u003e\n- staring\u003cbr\u003e\n- I don\u0026rsquo;t know\u003cbr\u003e\n- your mother\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDislikes\u003cbr\u003e\n- negativity\u003cbr\u003e\n- spite\u003cbr\u003e\n- you\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I don't think more flan's the answer"},{"content":"\u0026hellip; that some time last year I actually Googled \u0026ldquo;how to be an alcoholic without anyone noticing\u0026rdquo;? Much the way an ambitious teenager Googles \u0026ldquo;how to join the armed forces,\u0026rdquo; I set out on a fact finding mission. I learned that if you\u0026rsquo;re going to be getting wasted on the job then you should \u0026ldquo;Keep Quiet \u0026ndash; People tend to slur their speeches when drunk. They also tend to lose track of the volume of their voice. If you\u0026rsquo;re trying to avoid getting caught drinking, try to keep quiet and listen.\u0026rdquo; Hmm. I\u0026rsquo;ve never enjoyed talking and I\u0026rsquo;m quite good at pretending to listen. However, the article said that I\u0026rsquo;d have to stick to vodka so that killed it. I\u0026rsquo;m not a fan of vodka\u0026hellip; nor is the roommate of my buddy from college who had to clean my puke from her toilet and vanity after a rowdy night where Barnhardt thought he could handle vodka shots. Barnhardt could not handle vodka shots. He could handle saying \u0026ldquo;I\u0026rsquo;ve gotta go pee\u0026rdquo; and never returning. Some might say he\u0026rsquo;s an expert at that.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/did-you-know/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u0026hellip; that some time last year I actually Googled \u0026ldquo;how to be an alcoholic without anyone noticing\u0026rdquo;? Much the way an ambitious teenager Googles \u0026ldquo;how to join the armed forces,\u0026rdquo; I set out on a fact finding mission. I learned that if you\u0026rsquo;re going to be getting wasted on the job then you should \u0026ldquo;Keep Quiet \u0026ndash; People tend to slur their speeches when drunk. They also tend to lose track of the volume of their voice. If you\u0026rsquo;re trying to avoid getting caught drinking, try to keep quiet and listen.\u0026rdquo; Hmm. I\u0026rsquo;ve never enjoyed talking and I\u0026rsquo;m quite good at pretending to listen. However, the article said that I\u0026rsquo;d have to stick to vodka so that killed it. I\u0026rsquo;m not a fan of vodka\u0026hellip; nor is the roommate of my buddy from college who had to clean my puke from her toilet and vanity after a rowdy night where Barnhardt thought he could handle vodka shots. Barnhardt could \u003cem\u003enot\u003c/em\u003e handle vodka shots. He \u003cem\u003ecould\u003c/em\u003e handle saying \u0026ldquo;I\u0026rsquo;ve gotta go pee\u0026rdquo; and never returning. Some might say he\u0026rsquo;s an expert at that.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Did you know..."},{"content":"Fucking thing doesn\u0026rsquo;t smell at all like Chinese food.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/well-shit-on-me/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eFucking thing doesn\u0026rsquo;t smell at all like Chinese food.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Well, shit on me"},{"content":"Woke up today and didn\u0026rsquo;t want to get out of bed. Most other days I\u0026rsquo;m encouraged by a bed wreaking of dog, a wife snoring like a trucker or a clock displaying a time that I know damn well doesn\u0026rsquo;t leave me enough time to jack off in the shower. But not this day. This day, freshly washed cotton sheets and angel soft blankets greeted my 7 am alarm. Waited until that clock showed 7:11 am\u0026hellip; thought about convenience store hot dogs and nachos\u0026hellip; and then had the motivation I needed to rise.\nHeaded to work and considered making a stop in Grimsby to see Laura about de-funking my eyeglass lenses. Looked at my car\u0026rsquo;s clock and figured I had time to do so. Pulled off and into the lot and only at that moment did I realize I didn\u0026rsquo;t in fact have time. And I had to pee. Aborted on that and then rushed my ass to work. Got there about 9 minutes shy of a time that would\u0026rsquo;ve prompted dirty looks and possibly resulted in a few hours of ridicule. I\u0026rsquo;ll just have to find ridicule somewhere else, I thought.\nHad a few errands to run during my lunch hour\u0026hellip; return a book to Chapters\u0026hellip; mail a package\u0026hellip; drop my suit off at the dry cleaners. The book return to Chapters was uneventful, except for the careless teenage dirtbag getting into the car next to me who slapped her clothing up against my car a good 3 times while navigating the reasonable gap between our vehicles. It\u0026rsquo;s fine. The Corolla can take it. Decided not to mail the package because it was a product return that would\u0026rsquo;ve cost me $11 for a $16 refund for a net return of $5. That\u0026rsquo;s math even Dan Zammit couldn\u0026rsquo;t screw up (he called me a fag on New Year\u0026rsquo;s; I\u0026rsquo;m sensitive; let\u0026rsquo;s call it even).\nThe last stop was a dry cleaning shop I hadn\u0026rsquo;t been to before. Pulled up and saw a middle-aged Asian lady sitting on a chair near the door talking on a phone. I figured this was a good sign \u0026ndash; the store must be good if it\u0026rsquo;s busy enough that people are waiting. I took my suit from the back seat and approached the store. As I did, the lady stood up and moved the chair out of the way of the door. I realized then that this was an employee of the store and that the store is perhaps so infrequently visited that she had time to move a chair to behind the front door and chat in a foreign language (let\u0026rsquo;s call that language \u0026ldquo;Asian\u0026rdquo; to demonstrate maximum ignorance). I wasn\u0026rsquo;t gonna back out now. How can this not work out fine? I opened the door and walked in and the place looked enough like a dry cleaning shop that I figured they could get the job done. Only problem, and this may come back to haunt me, is that the place smelled like a very busy Chinese food restaurant. I gave her the suit and my name (which I spelled out slow enough that even Dan Zammit could write it down properly\u0026hellip; I\u0026rsquo;m so, so sensitive) and she handed me the receipt. She\u0026rsquo;d gotten it correct and though it took her a few times to repeat it, I eventually understood that the suit should be ready Thursday afternoon.\nThe only question that remains is just how much will it smell like Chinese food when I go to pick it up. The store will smell too strong, so I\u0026rsquo;ll wait to get to the car to give it a smell test. It\u0026rsquo;ll smell like broccoli and beef quite intensely, of that I\u0026rsquo;m certain, but if I drive all the way home with a window part-way down, will that help the situation? You know what, for the 20% off deal I got in on, I don\u0026rsquo;t even care. I hope the pockets are all full of those baby ears of corn. Those things are adorable. Not as adorable as trying to watch Dan Zammit live a normal life, but\u0026hellip; I gotta stop.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/general-taos-dry-cleaners/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke up today and didn\u0026rsquo;t want to get out of bed. Most other days I\u0026rsquo;m encouraged by a bed wreaking of dog, a wife snoring like a trucker or a clock displaying a time that I know damn well doesn\u0026rsquo;t leave me enough time to jack off in the shower. But not this day. This day, freshly washed cotton sheets and angel soft blankets greeted my 7 am alarm. Waited until that clock showed 7:11 am\u0026hellip; thought about convenience store hot dogs and nachos\u0026hellip; and then had the motivation I needed to rise.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"General Tao's Dry Cleaners"},{"content":"Went to a local Chinese food establishment yesterday that I hadn\u0026rsquo;t been to for a long while. An establishment that we used to frequent several times a week until it got too annoying to do so. It was all good and I kept the food down, but it made me remember a time that I went there, probably about 28 years ago (yes, I have a terrific memory; I would gladly trade it for decent teeth or more hair).\nLike I said, I think it was the mid 80\u0026rsquo;s and quite possibly was the first time I\u0026rsquo;d ever been there. I was 10 or 11, so capable of ordering for myself. The waiter went down the table and got to me. I placed my order and he went away.\nThe orders arrived a short while later and the food placed in front of me was not what I\u0026rsquo;d ordered and it didn\u0026rsquo;t belong to anyone else at the table. I was too sheepish to say anything and can\u0026rsquo;t quite remember the sequence of events that followed. Might have picked at the food, thinking I could choke it down. Might have tugged on a nearby adult\u0026rsquo;s coattail and asked for help. Eventually it was suggested that I speak up about the error.\nWhen the waiter returned I told him that my order was wrong. He said something like, \u0026ldquo;no problem, it\u0026rsquo;s okay if you want to change your order.\u0026rdquo; He brought over a menu and I pointed out what I\u0026rsquo;d ordered. He picked up my plate and walked away. I figured he must\u0026rsquo;ve misunderstood me, either when I ordered or when I mentioned the error. I wasn\u0026rsquo;t changing my mind, I was pointing out his mistake. This was on him, not me, and I wasn\u0026rsquo;t gonna let it go. Even at a young age I wasn\u0026rsquo;t terribly good at picking the right battles.\nWhen he returned, he drove in another spike. \u0026ldquo;Here you go. Hope you like this order better.\u0026rdquo;\n\u0026ldquo;This is what I ordered the first time,\u0026rdquo; I tried to poke back, but he was already walking away.\nAnd that\u0026rsquo;s that. Thirty years later and I haven\u0026rsquo;t forgotten that uppity jerk. Perhaps it was my Michael Jackson tank top that upset him. Perhaps it was the large, smoky grey plastic frames on my glasses that rubbed him the wrong way. Can\u0026rsquo;t say. But in the end, he probably didn\u0026rsquo;t think about it again after that night and I\u0026rsquo;ve probably lost a few hours sleep over it. Soooo, yeah. He wins, I guess.\nShit.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/um-fucked-not/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWent to a local Chinese food establishment yesterday that I hadn\u0026rsquo;t been to for a long while. An establishment that we used to frequent several times a week until it got too annoying to do so.  It was all good and I kept the food down, but it made me remember a time that I went there, probably about 28 years ago (yes, I have a terrific memory; I would gladly trade it for decent teeth or more hair).\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Um, YOU fucked up, not me"},{"content":"Last night (it\u0026rsquo;s just past midnight, I know\u0026hellip; fuck you) saw the crew get together for, like, the 17th consecutive New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve house party. By \u0026ldquo;crew,\u0026rdquo; we\u0026rsquo;re not talking about the same crew of old. There were 100% fewer Carolan\u0026rsquo;s there than usual. About 8 times the normal number of children. And if anyone walking by was in desperate need of some brokerage (which, yes, I assume is a commodity, just like cheese), there were 5 more people than 15 years ago at the party who could\u0026rsquo;ve helped out.\nFew fun facts about the evening\u0026hellip;\nAaron aka \u0026ldquo;Nugget\u0026rdquo; aka \u0026ldquo;Pedro\u0026rdquo; aka \u0026ldquo;Aaron E-cup\u0026rdquo; Zammit, wore a $250 leather jacket over a $70 Sabres hoody over a $2 white econo T-shirt\u0026hellip; while he drank a $2.70 Ricard\u0026rsquo;s Red beer; that\u0026rsquo;s right\u0026hellip; the beverage set him back more than the undergarment; bravo you pathetic bastard, bravo I saw three people wearing pleather pants; Stacey was rocking them hard, bad knee and all; Stephen Cooper\u0026rsquo;s wife was wearing them; and at about 9:45 pm, while I was chatting with Adam Girdlestone and he started droning on about all the money he\u0026rsquo;s saving by avoiding anything resembling a normal life, I peered over his shoulder to see Dan Zammit navigating the concrete walkway to the front door; he was positively beaming, though he was having a bit of trouble walking comfortably\u0026hellip; in his fire red PLEATHER pants! I watched him look over to the front window and see the girls and their pants and he froze in his tracks; his eyes welled up with tears and embarrassment and he got the hell outta there To put a smile on the faces of my peers, at several times throughout the night I dipped puff pastries into salsa con queso and sucked \u0026rsquo;em back like Tylenol; heads up, if you do this, there\u0026rsquo;s a strong possibility that you\u0026rsquo;ll find yourself in bed at 3:30 am, too tired to stand up, too nauseous to sleep and too full of pride to allow yourself to lie there and vomit on yourself; you\u0026rsquo;ll make promises to several imaginary religious figures that you\u0026rsquo;ll never do this again if he just lets this pass; you\u0026rsquo;ll breathe deeply and convert as much of this imminent puke into butt gas and eventually win the war and find yourself waking up very late the next morning, vomit free and alive to see another day; oh yeah, side note\u0026hellip; may not have been the salsa con queso pastries\u0026hellip; before the party I did my \u0026ldquo;one can dine for $9.05\u0026rdquo; trick at Wendy\u0026rsquo;s; $4 nugget and jr bacon cheeseburger meals\u0026hellip; why choose just one? I didn\u0026rsquo;t\u0026hellip; and I won\u0026rsquo;t\u0026hellip; ever ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/pleather-dise-gas-oven-light/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eLast night (it\u0026rsquo;s just past midnight, I know\u0026hellip; fuck you) saw the crew get together for, like, the 17th consecutive New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve house party. By \u0026ldquo;crew,\u0026rdquo; we\u0026rsquo;re not talking about the same crew of old. There were 100% fewer Carolan\u0026rsquo;s there than usual. About 8 times the normal number of children. And if anyone walking by was in desperate need of some brokerage (which, yes, I assume is a commodity, just like cheese), there were 5 more people than 15 years ago at the party who could\u0026rsquo;ve helped out.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Pleather-dise by the gas oven light"},{"content":"A few observations from last night\u0026rsquo;s romp at the Girdlestone mansion\u0026hellip;\n- Carolyn now likes hugs. She used to not like hugs. Now she does. I fixed that. To those who\u0026rsquo;ve been disappointed by her poor response to a hug in the past, I suggest you give it another go. It\u0026rsquo;ll be better this time. I promise.\n- Stacey\u0026rsquo;s mother knows who I am and reads this site. Good for her. Time to ruin that. Pop quiz, Stacey\u0026rsquo;s mom\u0026hellip; Which boobs in the below picture belong to your daughter?\n\u0026ldquo;Don\u0026rsquo;t bother smiling.\u0026rdquo;\n- My new favourite serving portion of roasted potatoes is \u0026ldquo;large foil lasagna pan.\u0026rdquo; Previously it was \u0026ldquo;stainless steel mixing bowl,\u0026rdquo; but after last night I\u0026rsquo;ve made the adjustment.\n- Every time Allison forcefully hugged or embraced me or Jeff, or asked Shaun if one of us could come home with them, I immediately glanced over at Shaun\u0026rsquo;s face for a reaction. His look of indifference was both unexpected and delightful.\n- If anyone finds themselves standing in a quiet backyard at 1:21 am and wishes the air was filled with high volume rants about \u0026ldquo;PUSSY,\u0026rdquo; Jeff has demonstrated that he\u0026rsquo;s able to fill this need.\n- Dan was present and accounted for. It would appear that since he\u0026rsquo;s acquired a modest amount of pectoral muscle he\u0026rsquo;s decided he now has no use for scalp hair or the friendship of a Carolan. Only time will tell if this move will pay off for the currently least popular Zammit sibling.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/funtatoes/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eA few observations from last night\u0026rsquo;s romp at the Girdlestone mansion\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e- Carolyn now likes hugs. She used to not like hugs. Now she does. I fixed that. To those who\u0026rsquo;ve been disappointed by her poor response to a hug in the past, I suggest you give it another go. It\u0026rsquo;ll be better this time. I promise.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e- Stacey\u0026rsquo;s mother knows who I am and reads this site. Good for her. Time to ruin that. Pop quiz, Stacey\u0026rsquo;s mom\u0026hellip; Which boobs in the below picture belong to your daughter?\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Funtatoes"},{"content":"Scene\nDollar store. I approach the checkout where there are no other customers. A lone female 20-ish looking cashier points me to the counter she\u0026rsquo;s working.\nCashier [Looking at me oddly]: Hmm. I think I know you from somewhere.\nMe: Oh yeah?\nCashier: Yeah, I think I know you.\nMe: Hmm.\nCashier: Yeah.\nMe: Well, where? Like somewhere good or somewhere bad?\nCashier: Like, from school.\nMe: Oh, which school?\nCashier: High school. FESS.\nMe: Well, maybe if you have an older brother or sister, I could know them. I mean, you look way younger than me. I\u0026rsquo;m damn near 40.\nCashier: Oh, jeez! Well, have a good day.\nI think the \u0026ldquo;Oh, jeez\u0026rdquo; was unnecessary. And hurtful. It was unnecessary and hurtful.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/oh-jeez/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eScene\u003cbr\u003e\nDollar store. I approach the checkout where there are no other customers. A lone female 20-ish looking cashier points me to the counter she\u0026rsquo;s working.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCashier [Looking at me oddly]:\u003c/strong\u003e Hmm. I think I know you from somewhere.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eMe:\u003c/strong\u003e Oh yeah?\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCashier:\u003c/strong\u003e Yeah, I think I know you.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eMe:\u003c/strong\u003e Hmm.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCashier:\u003c/strong\u003e Yeah.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eMe:\u003c/strong\u003e Well, where? Like somewhere good or somewhere bad?\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCashier:\u003c/strong\u003e Like, from school.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eMe:\u003c/strong\u003e Oh, which school?\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCashier:\u003c/strong\u003e High school. FESS.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eMe:\u003c/strong\u003e Well, maybe if you have an older brother or sister, I could know them. I mean, you look way younger than me. I\u0026rsquo;m damn near 40.\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eCashier:\u003c/strong\u003e Oh, jeez! Well, have a good day.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Oh, jeez"},{"content":"No, no. Dave does not beat his wife. But if you\u0026rsquo;d read the notes Joe and Kyle held up in Grade 12 Chemistry some 20 years ago, you\u0026rsquo;d read that I did. Yes, it was 1994 when I met those guys. Terrific bastards, them both. One of them now somewhere in Europe with a girl he\u0026rsquo;ll likely soon marry, so long as he can keep up the act that he loves her half as much as he loves this web site. The other, a short 20-minute drive up the road, living the dream life and tending to all the brake, exhaust and french-fries-clogging-the-shifter problems I send his way. May none of us ever grow up too much to stop appreciating the stupid, insane, simple things in this world.\nEnd of my day. Treadmill\u0026rsquo;s still broken. That pissed me off, so I ate some pizza and wings and vanilla pudding and brownies, in that order and in the amount of time it took you to read that. Perhaps not surprisingly, it did not make me feel better. Now I\u0026rsquo;m done my nightly porn browsing and typing these last few words while sitting in a disorganized office that smells oh so strongly of cat piss. \u0026ldquo;Yes, let\u0026rsquo;s put a cat litter in the office. That\u0026rsquo;s a great idea!\u0026rdquo; said no one, ever.\nHere\u0026rsquo;s hoping high blood pressure and undigested pizza is conducive to good sleep!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/dave-beats-wife-20-years-sex-drugs-rock-n-roll/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eNo, no. Dave does not beat his wife. But if you\u0026rsquo;d read the notes Joe and Kyle held up in Grade 12 Chemistry some 20 years ago, you\u0026rsquo;d read that I did. Yes, it was 1994 when I met those guys. Terrific bastards, them both. One of them now somewhere in Europe with a girl he\u0026rsquo;ll likely soon marry, so long as he can keep up the act that he loves her half as much as he loves this web site. The other, a short 20-minute drive up the road, living the dream life and tending to all the brake, exhaust and french-fries-clogging-the-shifter problems I send his way. May none of us ever grow up too much to stop appreciating the stupid, insane, simple things in this world.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Dave Beats His Wife?: 20 Years of Sex, Drugs and Rock N' Roll"},{"content":"After a Sunday where I ate probably twice my usual number of brownies, I thought it would be mature and responsible to get on the treadmill. And so I did.\nAbout 30 minutes in, it starts acting up and gives me an E1 error message on the display. When it\u0026rsquo;s happened before I\u0026rsquo;ve just started it back up and it\u0026rsquo;s been fine. Even Kyle Mester\u0026rsquo;ed the thing and put lube on it, but still the E1\u0026rsquo;s. After the error tonight I turned it back on and it scrolled LUBE BELT on the display. This has also happened before, whether I\u0026rsquo;ve lubed it or not. This thing\u0026rsquo;s an idiot, I\u0026rsquo;ve always figured. Tonight I decided not to overthink it and give it the lube it was asking for. Maybe previous times I just didn\u0026rsquo;t lube it enough and it was too dry, aka the Dan Zammit. So I gave \u0026rsquo;er a good dose of silicone, started \u0026rsquo;er back up and walked and jogged on \u0026rsquo;er for another 25 mins.\nAfterwards it donned on me that maybe the thing was talking about me. Maybe it wanted me to lube my belt. Maybe it had been watching out the window each morning when I drop my fat ass into the car to go to work and seen what, in it\u0026rsquo;s opinion, is an unhealthy amount of friction along my waistline. Perhaps my bagel drippings have gummed up the works and the cream cheese and sesame seeds have worked together to form a sort of sandpaper down there.\nAaaaaand now I\u0026rsquo;m gonna go lick my waistbands.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/horizon-e1/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAfter a Sunday where I ate probably twice my usual number of brownies, I thought it would be mature and responsible to get on the treadmill. And so I did.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAbout 30 minutes in, it starts acting up and gives me an E1 error message on the display. When it\u0026rsquo;s happened before I\u0026rsquo;ve just started it back up and it\u0026rsquo;s been fine. Even Kyle Mester\u0026rsquo;ed the thing and put lube on it, but still the E1\u0026rsquo;s. After the error tonight I turned it back on and it scrolled LUBE BELT on the display. This has also happened before, whether I\u0026rsquo;ve lubed it or not. This thing\u0026rsquo;s an idiot, I\u0026rsquo;ve always figured. Tonight I decided not to overthink it and give it the lube it was asking for. Maybe previous times I just didn\u0026rsquo;t lube it enough and it was too dry, aka the Dan Zammit. So I gave \u0026rsquo;er a good dose of silicone, started \u0026rsquo;er back up and walked and jogged on \u0026rsquo;er for another 25 mins.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Horizon E1"},{"content":"What have I been up to and how do I spend my days, you ask? It\u0026rsquo;s not worth talking about, but I will.\nI get up. I get my son dressed, fed and to the bus stop. If my pathetic digestive system allows me to, I take a poop and play Candy Crush. Shower. Occasionally shave. Occasionally brush my teeth. Trim the nose hairs. Pluck some ear hairs. Apply cover-up makeup to any facial blemishes. Then head to the closet for the moment of truth.\nIt\u0026rsquo;s really a 50/50 proposition when I take one of my 4 pairs of pants off the hanger and slide them over my girth whether Mr Button will be able to reach into Mrs Buttonhole. Sometimes it does \u0026ndash; sometimes it doesn\u0026rsquo;t. Sometimes (hell, often) it might make it but the spinal pain that follows suggests it shouldn\u0026rsquo;t stay there. It\u0026rsquo;s on these I\u0026rsquo;m-a-bloated-sausage days that I try to figure out what the hell I ate that caused this tubby predicament. I usually come up with an answer (and it\u0026rsquo;s often \u0026lsquo;poutine\u0026rsquo;) and then I swear to not do it again. On days (and they\u0026rsquo;re rare) that the pants should slip on without drama, I do a sign of the cross and carry on.\nIn the process of carrying on I will encounter the cats and dogs. They invariably want a treat from me. They always get that treat, but it\u0026rsquo;s never without me also delivering to each of them a rambling monologue filled with racial epithets and harsh criticisms of their innate uselessness and inability to improve my life in any significant or financial way. I suppose in the end we both walk away satisfied. Their stomachs full of modified wheat gluten and me rid of a 1/10th of a percent of pent up rage.\nI get into the car and head to work where I spend roughly the amount of time I\u0026rsquo;d paid for milling about, bouncing back and forth between productive contributions to the daily workload, asking coworkers if they have any candy and hanging out in the washroom looking for a secret lever that will deposit me into a more thrilling existence. Spoiler alert: I\u0026rsquo;ve never found one. BTW, I am a technical broadcast supervisor. I work on IT and broadcasting projects and equipment. Most friends (Kyle) don\u0026rsquo;t even know what I do. That\u0026rsquo;s what I do. Despite what they think, I don\u0026rsquo;t sit behind a single button and push it at regular intervals for 8 hours. I sit behind many buttons and randomly press them for at most 7 hours. That\u0026rsquo;s way different.\nWhen my day\u0026rsquo;s done, I waddle out to the car. Turn the key, hoping my 9-year-old car with 710,000 km\u0026rsquo;s on it starts up, for as much as I don\u0026rsquo;t look forward to the drive home, by that point I can\u0026rsquo;t stand the thought of staying at work any longer. Sometimes I make stops. Today I stopped at the RBC ATM drive-thru where there were 2 cars in front of me. The minivan at the machine was in park, which was upsetting and meant that I sat there for about 10 good minutes. I assume that for the first 8 of those minutes the idiots were wondering which button to push for a Big Mac before it dawned on them that this was a fucking bank. The last 2 minutes were them attempting to withdraw $20 from their account and the last 10 seconds was them realizing they only had $8.51 in said account, the driver blaming this on the passenger who always overspends on frivolous things like cigarettes and diapers for their bastard daughter and then the driver putting the minivan in Drive and moving on.\nYesterday I stopped at the Staples in Burlington to buy some paper. What kind of paper? None of your business. When I checked out, the squishy blonde cashier gave me an extra-spirited and certainly off-script, \u0026ldquo;Hey, how ya doin\u0026rsquo; tonight?\u0026rdquo; She didn\u0026rsquo;t have to do it, but it made my purchase of canary yellow and orchid purple ruled refill pads a little more jolly. Oops. Turns out that is your business now.\nAnd then I get home where I often hear of bad things my son has done at school and after school and I then make a beeline for the liquor cabinet and poutine mix. Figure those will make me feel better. They do, until 1 am when I start to regret it and then again at 4 am when the acid reflux kicks in and I really regret it. Up and down 4 times to pee between then and the alarm clock at 7:30 am and then I get up and do it all again. Why? Why, indeed\u0026hellip;\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/put-p/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWhat have I been up to and how do I spend my days, you ask? It\u0026rsquo;s not worth talking about, but I will.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI get up. I get my son dressed, fed and to the bus stop. If my pathetic digestive system allows me to, I take a poop and play Candy Crush. Shower. Occasionally shave. Occasionally brush my teeth. Trim the nose hairs. Pluck some ear hairs. Apply cover-up makeup to any facial blemishes. Then head to the closet for the moment of truth.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Put it in P"},{"content":"Um, it\u0026rsquo;s me. Sorry to disappoint. You were thinking someone with fewer stretch marks? Someone with more interesting stories? Well maybe I come up short in both regards, but I do always keep my promises. Even those made almost 2 years ago\u0026hellip;\nIn a little while I’ll start working on a picture that encapsulates the coming Summer. What with Shaun’s wedding and Pat becoming a father, it’ll probably be a close-up of Joe laughing while Shaun and Pat have a wrist slitting race in the background.\n\u0026hellip; and that\u0026rsquo;s gotta count for something.\nOh, it doesn\u0026rsquo;t? It counts for nothing? Well then this officially marks the beginning of a period of yearsmonthsweeks days of posts where I will be letting you down.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/guess-whos-back/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eUm, it\u0026rsquo;s me. Sorry to disappoint. You were thinking someone with fewer stretch marks? Someone with more interesting stories? Well maybe I come up short in both regards, but I do always keep my promises. Even those made almost 2 years ago\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIn a little while I’ll start working on a picture that encapsulates the coming Summer. What with Shaun’s wedding and Pat becoming a father, it’ll probably be a close-up of Joe laughing while Shaun and Pat have a wrist slitting race in the background.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Guess who's back?"},{"content":"Oh, hi there. Just got back from an 8-week adventure in southern Nepal. What a place! Can\u0026rsquo;t believe I waited this long to experience all the beauty that rainforests have to offer!\nThat\u0026rsquo;s a lie. There aren\u0026rsquo;t even rainforests in Nepal. And actually I\u0026rsquo;ve been pretty much just sitting at home fucking my hand since my last post. There was New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve in there to break things up where, if memory serves me, I was fucking someone else\u0026rsquo;s hand, but that\u0026rsquo;s a secret Dave Pester promised to take to the grave! Ah, shit\u0026hellip;\nNothing to say, really. Just stumbled upon a picture that gave me a grin. This sums up the Summer of 2004.\nIn a little while I\u0026rsquo;ll start working on a picture that encapsulates the coming Summer. What with Shaun\u0026rsquo;s wedding and Pat becoming a father, it\u0026rsquo;ll probably be a close-up of Joe laughing while Shaun and Pat have a wrist slitting race in the background.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/happy-2013-to-you/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eOh, hi there. Just got back from an 8-week adventure in southern Nepal. What a place! Can\u0026rsquo;t believe I waited this long to experience all the beauty that rainforests have to offer!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat\u0026rsquo;s a lie. There aren\u0026rsquo;t even rainforests in Nepal. And actually I\u0026rsquo;ve been pretty much just sitting at home fucking my hand since my last post. There was New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve in there to break things up where, if memory serves me, I was fucking someone else\u0026rsquo;s hand, but that\u0026rsquo;s a secret Dave Pester promised to take to the grave! Ah, shit\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Happy(?) 2013(?) to you(?)"},{"content":"It\u0026rsquo;s that time of year again. US Thanksgiving and then Black Friday. Tomorrow\u0026rsquo;s the day Jeff Girdlestone hunkers down. Someone once jokingly told him it was called Blacks Friday. He\u0026rsquo;s under the impression that on this one day each year his delightfully racist humour won\u0026rsquo;t go over so well. He\u0026rsquo;s wrong. While scumbags across the border are rushing the doors of the local Target for $1.49 tampons, I doubt that even a barage of Gstone N-words would be noticed. Nonetheless, he won\u0026rsquo;t be going across the border tomorrow. He\u0026rsquo;ll be cozy in his bed, surrounded by 2 toasty warm party trays and a tepid glass of rye. He\u0026rsquo;ll nap in the afternoon and wake up for an evening session of burning 10 dollar bills. After the sun has set he\u0026rsquo;ll cruise the streets for curb garbage. No, he doesn\u0026rsquo;t need a broken pair of skis, but he\u0026rsquo;ll take \u0026rsquo;em. God bless him for cleaning up the streets and making an embarrassing disgrace of his backyard.\nIn somewhat unrelated news, if whomever has discarded the below piece of not-so-wooden furniture on the Garrison across from old Lee\u0026rsquo;s Golden Palace doesn\u0026rsquo;t remove it soon, I think I\u0026rsquo;m just gonna lose it.\nSupposed to get flurries within the next week. Nothing classes up a town like 6-month old junk with a light dusting of snow. It\u0026rsquo;s seriously been there for months. Each time I pass this area, I pray that it won\u0026rsquo;t be there. But each time, just like the blood stains in my underwear, it\u0026rsquo;s still there. Anyone wanna stop and pick that fucking thing up there\u0026rsquo;s a 5 dollar bill in it for you. Seriously. I\u0026rsquo;ll pay you*. I\u0026rsquo;ve spent far more on far less. Call my bluff. Call it, motherfuckers!\n\\* I reserve the right not to pay you.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/black-friday/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eIt\u0026rsquo;s that time of year again. US Thanksgiving and then Black Friday. Tomorrow\u0026rsquo;s the day Jeff Girdlestone hunkers down. Someone once jokingly told him it was called \u003cstrong\u003e\u003cem\u003eBlacks\u003c/em\u003e\u003c/strong\u003e Friday. He\u0026rsquo;s under the impression that on this one day each year his delightfully racist humour won\u0026rsquo;t go over so well. He\u0026rsquo;s wrong. While scumbags across the border are rushing the doors of the local Target for $1.49 tampons, I doubt that even a barage of Gstone N-words would be noticed. Nonetheless, he won\u0026rsquo;t be going across the border tomorrow. He\u0026rsquo;ll be cozy in his bed, surrounded by 2 toasty warm party trays and a tepid glass of rye. He\u0026rsquo;ll nap in the afternoon and wake up for an evening session of burning 10 dollar bills. After the sun has set he\u0026rsquo;ll cruise the streets for curb garbage. No, he doesn\u0026rsquo;t \u003cem\u003eneed\u003c/em\u003e a broken pair of skis, but he\u0026rsquo;ll take \u0026rsquo;em. God bless him for cleaning up the streets and making an embarrassing disgrace of his backyard.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Black Friday"},{"content":"Our temporary visitor is a tiny dog with bones of glass. One broke the other day. He was literally in our possession for less than 3 days. We suck. And his bones suck. And this will probably happen again. We have no luck with animals. In fact, if you have any love for 4-legged fluffy things, you\u0026rsquo;ll shatter our kitchen window while we work and set them all free. I only ask that you please do not touch my cheese, my crackers or my alcohol. My life would be a little too Carolanny without them.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/crack/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eOur temporary visitor is a tiny dog with bones of glass. One broke the other day. He was literally in our possession for less than 3 days. We suck. And his bones suck. And this will probably happen again. We have no luck with animals. In fact, if you have any love for 4-legged fluffy things, you\u0026rsquo;ll shatter our kitchen window while we work and set them all free. I only ask that you please do not touch my cheese, my crackers or my alcohol. My life would be a little too Carolanny without them.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Crack"},{"content":"I really don\u0026rsquo;t see how this can go wrong. Thank you, dimly lit back of top shelf in fridge.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/deja-vu/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI really don\u0026rsquo;t see how this can go wrong. Thank you, dimly lit back of top shelf in fridge.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/IMG-20121116-00262-e1353122948165.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"IMG-20121116-00262\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/IMG-20121116-00262-e1353122948165.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Deja vu"},{"content":"I had my first Hostess Sno Balls on Tuesday. I anticipated an inappropriate overload of marshmallow, but God bless those Hostess people because it was just right\u0026hellip;\n\u0026hellip; and now I hear that Hostess is closing its doors. Hopefully it\u0026rsquo;s only the US arm of the company and the Canadian division will continue to make all the tasty treats my floppy tits have enjoyed over the years. Yes, I\u0026rsquo;ve done a lot of research on this because it\u0026rsquo;s terribly important. Not quite as important as figuring out why my head pillow smells like plum sauce gone bad. Yes, I said head pillow, as opposed to knee pillow which I wedge in the vicinity of my knees, testicles and taint each night to sleep. I\u0026rsquo;m sure this pillow is miserable. One night I thought I heard it crying, but it turned out it was just me.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/hostess-i-barely-knew-thee/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI had my first Hostess Sno Balls on Tuesday. I anticipated an inappropriate overload of marshmallow, but God bless those Hostess people because it was just right\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/IMG-20121113-00259.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"IMG-20121113-00259\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/IMG-20121113-00259.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u0026hellip; and now I hear that Hostess is closing its doors. Hopefully it\u0026rsquo;s only the US arm of the company and the Canadian division will continue to make all the tasty treats my floppy tits have enjoyed over the years. Yes, I\u0026rsquo;ve done a lot of research on this because it\u0026rsquo;s terribly important. Not quite as important as figuring out why my head pillow smells like plum sauce gone bad. Yes, I said \u003cem\u003ehead\u003c/em\u003e pillow, as opposed to \u003cem\u003eknee\u003c/em\u003e pillow which I wedge in the vicinity of my knees, testicles and taint each night to sleep. I\u0026rsquo;m sure this pillow is miserable. One night I thought I heard it crying, but it turned out it was just me.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Hostess, I barely knew thee"},{"content":"\nI’m not a fan of Halloween. Pretty sure I was as a kid, but something ruined it. Perhaps it was that one year in the early 80\u0026rsquo;s when we were trick-or-treating through Crescent Park and I saw something that messed me up. Just as we were approaching a house we saw some dudes drinking in the yard next door and setting up a wooden cross. I watched them poor gasoline on it and set it on fire. No kidding. I remember it scared the shit out of me. Even if it was a goofy Halloween thing, that’s pretty fucked up. Not as bad as that drunken Halloween about 10 years ago when I dressed up as a toilet and let a woman shit into me, but pretty close.\nDo have one amusing memory about October 31st, probably ’95. The circle of friends went out for Halloween. Those of us who love the holiday (read: those of us whose last names begin with C and end with olan) got dressed up as WWE wrestlers and went trick-or-treating. While walking down a street in Crescent Park, we saw some douchebags from high school drive past. They turned around and came back, slowing down to launch some eggs at us.\nThink Cliffy got hit and someone else narrowly avoided the same. Not satisfied, the shitheads turned around for another pass. They again slowed down and lobbed an egg into our group. In the most amazing display of reflexes, judgement and timing, Kyle caught the egg mid air and quickly lobbed it back. It went through the open passenger window of the car and we heard someone from inside shout “Fuck!” as they took off never to return.\nThis begs the question, how can Kyle emulate Jack Burton’s move from the end of Big Trouble in Little China and defeat our Halloween foes in dramatic fashion but when I take my car to him for an oil change he manages to forget a screwdriver under my hood and shatter my license plate cover?\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/happy-halloweenie-2/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Dave_as_a_toilet-2012.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Dave_as_a_toilet-2012.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI’m not a fan of Halloween. Pretty sure I was as a kid, but something ruined it. Perhaps it was that one year in the early 80\u0026rsquo;s when we were trick-or-treating through Crescent Park and I saw something that messed me up. Just as we were approaching a house we saw some dudes drinking in the yard next door and setting up a wooden cross. I watched them poor gasoline on it and set it on fire. No kidding. I remember it scared the shit out of me.  Even if it was a goofy Halloween thing, that’s pretty fucked up. Not as bad as that drunken Halloween about 10 years ago when I dressed up as a toilet and let a woman shit into me, but pretty close.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Happy Halloweenie!"},{"content":"The other day I went into the fridge to eat everything on shelves 1 through 3, as is my usual Tuesday evening routine. Near the rear of shelf 1 I found some banana creme yogurt that didn\u0026rsquo;t belong to me. I checked the expiration date and I was a solid 2 weeks out. Had this been a flavour that didn\u0026rsquo;t sound appealing I may\u0026rsquo;ve, just may\u0026rsquo;ve let it go, but this banana thing intrigued me. I yanked a spoon out of the cutlery drawer faster than Ryan Spoar yanking his wang out of a girl\u0026rsquo;s babyhole and with a ravenous fury I sent tepid yogurt flying through the air also in a Ryan Spoar-like fashion.\nTook about 5 spoonfuls and it was gone. Added the empty container to the counter where at some time during the week the recycling fairies come by and clean. Went back to the fridge and continued to hunt. In the area where the previous yogurt was discovered, I saw another. Picked it up. Hmm. Honey and nut. Certainly not as inviting as banana creme, but let me just check the expiry. Interesting. Only 3 days expired. Let\u0026rsquo;s do this. Why don\u0026rsquo;t you head on down my fudge hole to my stomach. When you get there you\u0026rsquo;ll see some of your old friends like Unreasonable Portion of Cheeseballs, Unreasonable Portion of Saltines and Unreasonable Portion of Holden\u0026rsquo;s School Snacks. Don\u0026rsquo;t bother with an extended meet and greet as I\u0026rsquo;m sure you\u0026rsquo;ll all be making a Southbound exit pretty soon.\nBut little did I know how soon. Laid my head down to sleep at 11 and my shit factory woke me up at 3:30 with some level Z (Zammit) crap pains. Oooh! I thought. Now I get to break in the new toilet seat!! You see, just the day before I\u0026rsquo;d purchased a new toilet seat to replace the one in our ensuite that had some bizarre damage. The plastic near the area where a woman\u0026rsquo;s cooter would be looked to have been eaten away. Now, I\u0026rsquo;ve had Katrina see the doctor numerous times and every test for what I\u0026rsquo;ve termed \u0026lsquo;acid cunt\u0026rsquo; came back negative. Must assume that the house\u0026rsquo;s previous owners were aliens from the movie of the same name. Those things had wicked acidic cunny juice, I must imagine.\nAnyway, I proceeded to destroy the toilet with turd splashes from every angle. I\u0026rsquo;d only realize the extent of the destruction when I went to shake the dew off the lily the next morning and the underside of the seat was considerably less almondy than the rest and a lot more shit brown. I cleaned it up as any self respecting man with D cups would.\nSo that\u0026rsquo;s your installment of Dave vs. the expired food for October. Now, please go away and do as I intend to do and take the rest of the month to consider how the hell I ever convinced a woman to get close enough to the disaster that is me to breed.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/yes-it-was-expired/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThe other day I went into the fridge to eat everything on shelves 1 through 3, as is my usual Tuesday evening routine. Near the rear of shelf 1 I found some banana creme yogurt that didn\u0026rsquo;t belong to me. I checked the expiration date and I was a solid 2 weeks out. Had this been a flavour that didn\u0026rsquo;t sound appealing I may\u0026rsquo;ve, just may\u0026rsquo;ve let it go, but this banana thing intrigued me. I yanked a spoon out of the cutlery drawer faster than Ryan Spoar yanking his wang out of a girl\u0026rsquo;s babyhole and with a ravenous fury I sent tepid yogurt flying through the air also in a Ryan Spoar-like fashion.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Yes, it was expired"},{"content":"If you guys are driving your sorry asses Northbound on Concession Road and you get to Bertie Street and are caught at a red light, please take a second to gander to your left. Look at the light post. Notice something missing?\nI stop at those lights most mornings and take notice of a \u0026ldquo;Parade Parking\u0026rdquo; sign that was leftover from a War of 1812 Bicentennial Parade earlier this year. Now, unless I misunderstand, we\u0026rsquo;re probably not going to need that fucking sign for another, like, hundred years, right? I also notice that the top set of plastic ties holding it in place have broken, leaving only two strapping down the bottom half of the sign. Each morning as I masturbate in the shower, I pray to myself that those ties have broken and that the sign will have blown away, out of my life for good. No such luck. Every morning it\u0026rsquo;s there, advertising parking for an event that has by now long since passed.\nSunday morning I had to leave home at 4:30 am to get to work for 6. Drove up to those lights and got a red, as is my usual luck. I looked over at the sign and through a tired haze, it seemed to speak to me. It was reminding me of the time in the washroom at the County Fair Mall when a bully from school picked me up by my underwear. It went on to bring up the time in 1984 when I shit my pants in KMart. Well, I\u0026rsquo;d had enough. I looked West down Bertie, North up Concession, East down Bertie and in my rearview mirror South down Concession. Not one car. I threw the car in Park, grabbed my Leatherman from the glove compartment, tossed my seatbelt aside and jumped out of the car.\nI decided I\u0026rsquo;d use the large blade from the Leatherman, the same one that I use to pick the plaque from my teeth in the Woodbine parking lot. If it could perform half as good on plastic as it did on my tooth barnacles, we\u0026rsquo;d be just fine. I slid the blade behind the plastic tie and it snapped without a fight. I tossed the sign into my car, hopped in and got the hell outta there. It was basically the second or third best moment of my life.\nWhen I got home I threw the sign proudly down on the kitchen counter in front of the wife, hoping I\u0026rsquo;d get some appreciation for my good deed. No appreciation came my way and I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure she hates me even a little more now. I\u0026rsquo;m good with that. I know what I\u0026rsquo;ve done. You\u0026rsquo;re all welcome.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/youre-welcome-fort-erie/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eIf you guys are driving your sorry asses Northbound on Concession Road and you get to Bertie Street and are caught at a red light, please take a second to gander to your left. Look at the light post. Notice something missing?\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI stop at those lights most mornings and take notice of a \u0026ldquo;Parade Parking\u0026rdquo; sign that was leftover from a War of 1812 Bicentennial Parade earlier this year. Now, unless I misunderstand, we\u0026rsquo;re probably not going to need that fucking sign for another, like, hundred years, right? I also notice that the top set of plastic ties holding it in place have broken, leaving only two strapping down the bottom half of the sign. Each morning as I masturbate in the shower, I pray to myself that those ties have broken and that the sign will have blown away, out of my life for good. No such luck. Every morning it\u0026rsquo;s there, advertising parking for an event that has by now long since passed.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"You're welcome, Fort Erie"},{"content":"Yeah, it\u0026rsquo;s almost 1 am and I have to wake up at 6:15 to get to the lumberyard. My boss, Mr. Johnson will humiliate me with his usual Wednesday morning request to wipe his ass with my tongue. I\u0026rsquo;ll do it, because seeing Mr. Johnson happy is the only thing that makes me happy. Well, that and hearing via Facebook/Twitter/text message that you\u0026rsquo;ve had a bad day. When you head out to your car after catching an afternoon showing of The Hobbit and see that someone\u0026rsquo;s keyed it, please let me know, because unlike you telling me you\u0026rsquo;ve just asked your girlfriend to marry you, that news will put a smile on my pimply face.\nSo I spent the better part of last week trying to find my fucking camera. Knew I\u0026rsquo;d used it over the Labour Day weekend at a local fair. Took the youngling there for some fun happy times. We did have a good time, but several carnies upset me. This wasn\u0026rsquo;t the first time I\u0026rsquo;d had a run-in with carnies and I doubt it will be the last. The carnies were condescending. Now, I\u0026rsquo;m Dave f\u0026rsquo;ing Barnhardt, and while I don\u0026rsquo;t expect the carnie world to know that, I still think my 36-inch waist and 45-inch tit-line deserve more than an average level of respect. So while trying to find the camera, my paranoid brain went through every possible scenario of the carnies managing to sneak the camera out of my pocket\u0026hellip;\nI have to digress because I just thought of a shining example of how I\u0026rsquo;m a terrible parent. On the same day we went on that Labour Day festival outing, we also went to a playground in Port Colborne. The youngling was enjoying the splashpad there, then went for a jaunt on the non-moist playground. I watched him do several dangerous maneuvers on the equipment that he saw the older kids do. I advised him not to and he advised me that he didn\u0026rsquo;t care what I thought. So I went and sat on the bench, all the while tracking him with my eyes, which I also assume constitutes \u0026ldquo;parenting.\u0026rdquo; I then remembered that there was an eBay auction for some much needed vent caps for my gas can collection that was ending soon. I dialed up eBay on my Blackberry and saw that there was only a minute left to bid. I went to bid and was asked to log in. It rejected my password. Tried again and got rejected again. I really, really wanted those vent caps. During my third attempt to log in I could swear I could hear the sounds of my son crying in the distance. I stood up and began to walk to where I saw him last. As I approached a strange woman holding my crying boy, I thought I should put my Blackberry back in my pocket so that she wouldn\u0026rsquo;t see that my negligence was due to a $2.50 eBay auction. She said, \u0026ldquo;Did you see him?\u0026rdquo; I said no, giving her a simple answer to her stupid question. She explained that he\u0026rsquo;d been walking across the top of a tube that he should have been inside and he fell off. I took him and consoled him and thanked the stranger. As I walked away, she yelled after me, \u0026ldquo;Um, he didn\u0026rsquo;t fall directly on his head. More like his shoulder.\u0026rdquo; I thanked her for the in-depth medical diagnosis. A brief lecture about doing something he shouldn\u0026rsquo;t have and I set him off to play on the swings. So there you go. How bad a parent am I? That bad. I\u0026rsquo;m that bad.\n\u0026hellip; so I could only imagine that the carnies in their carnie basement apartment were all sitting around eating heads of lettuce and laughing uncontrollably about the fat, four-eyed loser whose camera they\u0026rsquo;d stolen. I was losing sleep over it. And then Friday came along. I took my work laptop bag out of the cupboard so I could fill it with my lunch for the day and was struck by how heavy it was. Checked the front pocket and wouldn\u0026rsquo;t ya know it, there was the damn camera.\nSince I know I have a large carnie following here, I must apologize to you all. You\u0026rsquo;re still terrible people, but clearly didn\u0026rsquo;t have the sack to retaliate for my poor attitude and I wrongly accused you. I win, I suppose. I need this. I\u0026rsquo;ve been losing a lot lately, in life and otherwise. Not on the scales. That\u0026rsquo;s all gain. From April to August I could see my dick, but it\u0026rsquo;s slipped behind the gut fat mountains. Wherever you are, dick, please write and tell me how things are going. Judging by the smell of things it would seem you\u0026rsquo;ve happened upon a dead body, which I pray is not the case.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/its-pretty-late/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eYeah, it\u0026rsquo;s almost 1 am and I have to wake up at 6:15 to get to the lumberyard. My boss, Mr. Johnson will humiliate me with his usual Wednesday morning request to wipe his ass with my tongue. I\u0026rsquo;ll do it, because seeing Mr. Johnson happy is the only thing that makes me happy. Well, that and hearing via Facebook/Twitter/text message that you\u0026rsquo;ve had a bad day. When you head out to your car after catching an afternoon showing of The Hobbit and see that someone\u0026rsquo;s keyed it, please let me know, because unlike you telling me you\u0026rsquo;ve just asked your girlfriend to marry you, that news will put a smile on my pimply face.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"It's pretty late"},{"content":"Ate some late night pizza last night and penciled in a 4 am shitsplosion, but 4 am came and went and my slumber went uninterrupted. I did wake with sweaty buttocks several hours later, but I\u0026rsquo;m not gonna blame that on the pizza. Probably just blame that on the 8 to 10 pounds I\u0026rsquo;ve put on in the past couple of months. Why have I gained weight? Same reason your Mom always compared your face to the dog\u0026rsquo;s ass \u0026ndash; it\u0026rsquo;s the right thing to do.\nHeaded over the border to get gas, donuts and coffee this morning. At the donut shop I waited for the blessed counter staff to pack my 24 assorted donuts as an attractive young blonde waited in line behind me. She was asked what she wanted and answered in a very soft tone, \u0026ldquo;A red velvet donut and a sprinkle cookie,\u0026rdquo; to which the counter lady loudly and abruptly returned, \u0026ldquo;Yeah, I can\u0026rsquo;t hear you.\u0026rdquo; It was callous and I imagine she\u0026rsquo;d last used this phrase in this manner during an extended stay in federal prison when she had her cellmate \u0026ldquo;flap-cunt\u0026rdquo; Selma\u0026rsquo;s throat beneath her boot and had just asked her to repeat the words \u0026ldquo;I like eating shit\u0026rdquo; and Selma could barely breathe let alone respond at a normal speaking volume. The young lady received her tasty treats, paid and then went on her marry way back into a World that accepts her far more easily than belt hole #6 accepts the prong of my buckle.\nThe 12 hours of my day that followed were the usual varying degrees of pretending to like people, from the best Meryl Streep quality fakery to just-barely-beneath-the-surface rage that\u0026rsquo;s certainly detectable but I choose to believe isn\u0026rsquo;t. One time when I was about 10 I electrocuted myself while plugging in the vaccuum. Wonder if that\u0026rsquo;s what made me this way. Or maybe that helped. Maybe I\u0026rsquo;d be way worse. Yikes. Thank you, poor quality plug. You made a potentially dangerous monster into one that\u0026rsquo;s tolerable in small doses and slightly amusing from afar.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/madness/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAte some late night pizza last night and penciled in a 4 am shitsplosion, but 4 am came and went and my slumber went uninterrupted. I did wake with sweaty buttocks several hours later, but I\u0026rsquo;m not gonna blame that on the pizza. Probably just blame that on the 8 to 10 pounds I\u0026rsquo;ve put on in the past couple of months. Why have I gained weight? Same reason your Mom always compared your face to the dog\u0026rsquo;s ass \u0026ndash; it\u0026rsquo;s the right thing to do.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Madness"},{"content":"Well, I don\u0026rsquo;t have any photographic evidence because I\u0026rsquo;m an absent-minded fucktard and forgot my camera, but couple days back was Jeff and Stacie\u0026rsquo;s wedding reception. What did I not forget? An ample supply of chins and an embarrassing shortage of dignity.\nReception began around 5:30 pm for us at Ridgeway\u0026rsquo;s in, oddly enough, Ridgeway. Double rye and ginger ale\u0026rsquo;s began around 5:38 pm for this guy. Good chats with some of the old crew like Dan, Adam, Ed and Shaun \u0026ldquo;homeless 4 life\u0026rdquo; Carolan. Even had the pleasure of chatting up Nugget\u0026rsquo;s wife who, as it turns out, does not hate me. I found out that we were both at one time \u0026ldquo;gifted,\u0026rdquo; we both had no problem with me sharing her close-up booby picture on this site, we share a dislike for long drives to work and we both find Nug\u0026rsquo;s face a not-remotely-humourous degree of salty. The high resolution photograph on her Nikon I believe captured the exact moment where I realized that doing something gay like that for a laugh is not always worth it. That said, the simulated hand release I performed on Shaun at the dinner table was still a good call, in my opinion.\nHad a conversation with the beloved BMac, who for some reason insists that his name is Brad when I\u0026rsquo;ll bet my fucking (worthless) life that it\u0026rsquo;s Brian. He\u0026rsquo;s lying to himself and all of you. How he sleeps at night I don\u0026rsquo;t know, though perhaps it\u0026rsquo;s safe and sound right next to that firecracker wife of his. I hope his job pays enough to afford however much blow needs to pump through that girl\u0026rsquo;s veins to give her that much energy.\nOnly other clear memories beyond that are a random smattering of hugging\u0026hellip; well\u0026hellip; everybody, doing whatever shot was placed in front of my fat tits and babbling on about anything to anyone who wasn\u0026rsquo;t fast enough to run away. Oh, and late night pizza. I remember late night pizza. I think every night at midnight, regardless of where I am or in who\u0026rsquo;s company I\u0026rsquo;m in, I would like pizza. That is my one wish.\nWaking up the next day was the usual disappointment of realizing that I was still this fat and that me, or someone in close proximity had vomited on my shirt. Considering my track record, I\u0026rsquo;m gonna assume it was me. Further evidence in the form of a ripped pant leg, dirt covering much of my shirt and dull pains shooting through my legs and ribs would suggest that during those few hours that I cannot remember I found myself on a grand adventure. While there\u0026rsquo;s a slim chance that my aches are the result of having to contort my body to hold the lockless Ridgeway\u0026rsquo;s bathroom door shut whilst I urinated, lest anyone see my misshapen weiner, I have to believe that wasn\u0026rsquo;t it. Since Jeff confirms I did not vomit inside the restaurant, I guess I went for a little Barnhardt starlit stroll, vomited, slipped on the vomit and rolled into a ditch and tore my slacks. In the unlikely event that one of you cocksuckers knows better and it was your puke on my shirt, say nothing. I\u0026rsquo;ll take the heat for you. I gotta be good for something.\nSo that\u0026rsquo;s all I know. Congrats to Jeff and Stacie for tying the knot and for throwing a great party. And now I\u0026rsquo;m off to bed. But first I\u0026rsquo;ll be disabling comments on this post. I don\u0026rsquo;t need someone that had less rye in their system that night to chime in with far more horrifying truths.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/some-nights/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWell, I don\u0026rsquo;t have any photographic evidence because I\u0026rsquo;m an absent-minded fucktard and forgot my camera, but couple days back was Jeff and Stacie\u0026rsquo;s wedding reception. What did I \u003cem\u003enot\u003c/em\u003e forget? An ample supply of chins and an embarrassing shortage of dignity.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eReception began around 5:30 pm for us at Ridgeway\u0026rsquo;s in, oddly enough, Ridgeway. Double rye and ginger ale\u0026rsquo;s began around 5:38 pm for this guy. Good chats with some of the old crew like Dan, Adam, Ed and Shaun \u0026ldquo;homeless 4 life\u0026rdquo; Carolan. Even had the pleasure of chatting up Nugget\u0026rsquo;s wife who, as it turns out, does not hate me. I found out that we were both at one time \u0026ldquo;gifted,\u0026rdquo; we both had no problem with me sharing her close-up booby picture on this site, we share a dislike for long drives to work and we both find Nug\u0026rsquo;s face a not-remotely-humourous degree of salty. The high resolution photograph on her Nikon I believe captured the exact moment where I realized that doing something gay like that for a laugh is not always worth it. That said, the simulated hand release I performed on Shaun at the dinner table was still a good call, in my opinion.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Some nights"},{"content":"BREAKING NEWS: Unearthed some new (old) pics today that has me making a correction. The photos that I thought were from New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve 2000 must have been 1999. These are, in fact, the pics from New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve 2000. There\u0026rsquo;s only a handful, but they\u0026rsquo;re breathtaking. I even mustered up the energy to put stupid comments to each of them. Weak, man. They\u0026rsquo;re weak. Anyway, check them out below before your boss comes around and sees you doing it. If he\u0026rsquo;s like my boss, he\u0026rsquo;ll slowly wrap his buttocks around the back of your head before farting out the drum line to Plush by the Stone Temple Pilots.\nGallery is here. CLICK THIS!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/fateriedave-nye-2000/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eBREAKING NEWS: Unearthed some new (old) pics today that has me making a correction. The photos that I thought were from New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve 2000 must have been 1999. These are, in fact, the pics from New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve 2000. There\u0026rsquo;s only a handful, but they\u0026rsquo;re breathtaking. I even mustered up the energy to put stupid comments to each of them. Weak, man. They\u0026rsquo;re weak. Anyway, check them out below before your boss comes around and sees you doing it. If he\u0026rsquo;s like my boss, he\u0026rsquo;ll slowly wrap his buttocks around the back of your head before farting out the drum line to Plush by the Stone Temple Pilots.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"FatErieDave NYE 2000"},{"content":"\nThis post was going to be titled Why am I fat? but one glance at the photo above and it\u0026rsquo;s clear that this post is an answer to a question that need not be asked. I woke this morning and found myself in an empty house. No one to trip over, no one to keep an eye on, no one to get to school and no one to Zammit (steal) the one remaining slab of smoked ham in the fridge.\nWho would you like to join you today? I asked the ham. Please sir, don\u0026rsquo;t eat me, said the ham in an accent that I believe was from either Northern Ireland or Eastern Zaire. Fuck you, ham, I retorted with unnecessary profanity. No, no. Don\u0026rsquo;t get me wrong, said my refrigerator meat , I am absolutely delicious. But, don\u0026rsquo;t you think you\u0026rsquo;ve had enough ham lately? I mean, there were 3 of us, you know. You took down my brother Travis and sister Roxy last night at about 11 pm. Why would someone eat ham at such an unGodly hour?\nI went on to explain to him that I have a crazy work schedule and that I have a long commute each day. I spoke of how my 13-year tenure at Woodbine has netted me a pretty good living and I\u0026rsquo;m able to provide remote controlled cars, clothing and smaller portions of smoked ham to my beautiful son with that living. He begrudgingly conceded that perhaps I deserve to consume smoked meats at any hour that I see fit and I promptly stabbed a steak knife into the exact centre of what I was considering to be his face.\nCouple of over-easy eggs, slices of tomato, cheese and heavily margarined toast joined him on that plate. In a show of utter disrespect for the blessed meal I next came to make my choice of beverage. After going through the ingredient list of all liquids in the house, I decided upon a reasonably-sized glass of Neilson egg nog. After that hammy fucktard splashed into my stomach acid he was further humiliated by an immediate waterfall of barely dairy goodness. I look forward to seeing that meat again later this afternoon in a Woodbine shit stall. He\u0026rsquo;ll get a contemplative nod and a high five and that\u0026rsquo;s about it.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/why-i-am-fat/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/IMG-20111230-00097.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/IMG-20111230-00097.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis post was going to be titled \u003cem\u003eWhy am I fat?\u003c/em\u003e but one glance at the photo above and it\u0026rsquo;s clear that this post is an answer to a question that need not be asked. I woke this morning and found myself in an empty house. No one to trip over, no one to keep an eye on, no one to get to school and no one to Zammit (steal) the one remaining slab of smoked ham in the fridge.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Why I am fat"},{"content":"Woke this morning to the sounds of my boy getting ready for school. Sure was a jolly chap at the breakfast table. Went downstairs and gave him a kiss and then sauntered back upstairs, had a sizable bowel movement, soaped my stretch marks, crow barred my rolls into some Autumn khakis and hit the road. No breakfast for this guy.\nHeaded on over to the MTO. Ooh, plenty of parking. Good timing, Barnhardt. Filled out the license renewal in the car. Decisions, decisions. Do I put down the legitimate mileage on my vehicle, 495,181 km\u0026rsquo;s or what the car is showing me: 185,181 km? As you faithful, desperate readers will recall my odometer stopped at 300,000 km\u0026rsquo;s, I drove another 10,000, then got it replaced, at which point it started back at zero. I decided I would proudly write in the more impressive 495,181 as the chances of me trying to sell this car one day are (unlike my waistline) slim to (just like Dan\u0026rsquo;s recent dentist visits) none.\nWent in and walked right up to the counter. Realized I hadn\u0026rsquo;t filled in my insurance policy number. I said, \u0026ldquo;Shoot. Forgot the policy number,\u0026rdquo; and turned to go back out to my car. Since my youngling was born I\u0026rsquo;ve tried to tame my cursing and usually err on the side of caution and say the sanitary equivalent instead. Except for that time when I slipped up at last year\u0026rsquo;s Christmas mass and called the senior to my right a \u0026ldquo;cunt\u0026rdquo; for her failing to give me a peace-be-with-you handshake, I think I\u0026rsquo;ve done fairly well.\nAnyway, nothing eventful there. Got my sticker and headed out.\nSpent the day, or at least a few hours, at work then ate some Manchu Wok in a parking lot and headed home.\nKyle called and we were on the phone for over an hour. The call was memorable with him sharing all his hopes, dreams and worst fears. He told me about his family life growing up and the epic love story of him and Jenny and I could hear him gently sipping a glass of red wine. Actually that\u0026rsquo;s not true. It was the usual horse shit conversation with only one difference. It wasn\u0026rsquo;t until almost the 1 hour point that the topic changed to Japanese porn which is about 58 minutes beyond the norm. Good for him. I think he\u0026rsquo;s getting better. Oh yes, he\u0026rsquo;ll be just fine.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/like-an-egg-in-a-nest/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke this morning to the sounds of my boy getting ready for school. Sure was a jolly chap at the breakfast table. Went downstairs and gave him a kiss and then sauntered back upstairs, had a sizable bowel movement, soaped my stretch marks, crow barred my rolls into some Autumn khakis and hit the road. No breakfast for this guy.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHeaded on over to the MTO. Ooh, plenty of parking. Good timing, Barnhardt. Filled out the license renewal in the car. Decisions, decisions. Do I put down the legitimate mileage on my vehicle, 495,181 km\u0026rsquo;s or what the car is showing me: 185,181 km? As you faithful, desperate readers will recall my odometer stopped at 300,000 km\u0026rsquo;s, I drove another 10,000, then got it replaced, at which point it started back at zero. I decided I would proudly write in the more impressive 495,181 as the chances of me trying to sell this car one day are (unlike my waistline) slim to (just like Dan\u0026rsquo;s recent dentist visits) none.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Like an egg in a nest"},{"content":"To the blonde bird in the frozen food isle at Sobey\u0026rsquo;s\u0026hellip; um, do you think you\u0026rsquo;re better than me? Is there something wrong with a tubby, bearded, bespectacled, wool-jacket-wearing guy carrying around some cooking onions? You needn\u0026rsquo;t feel ashamed to make eye contact with me. I mean, it\u0026rsquo;s not like\u0026hellip; what\u0026rsquo;s that? You\u0026rsquo;d like me to shut up so you can answer my questions? Well, go to it, doll.\nDo you think you\u0026rsquo;re better than me?\nNope. Don\u0026rsquo;t think it. Actually am. Don\u0026rsquo;t have a job. My husband makes plenty of cash. I can throw a baseball farther than you. I have more friends than you. I can swim.\nIs there something wrong with a tubby, bearded, bespectacled, wool-jacket-wearing guy carrying around some cooking onions?\nYep. You\u0026rsquo;re alarmingly fat. The beard\u0026rsquo;s weak. Your glasses are bent in a child-molesty kinda way. Wool jacket? Thought it was a dog hair jacket. You ever clean that fucking thing? The cooking onions I have no problem with. They were delightful.\nShe has a point and when she goes to blow her meth dealer husband tonight and she asks him for what seems like the hundredth time to not cum in her hair, I hope he cums in her hair but doesn\u0026rsquo;t spit on her afterwards for her having made such an inappropriate request.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/someone-told-me-long-ago/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eTo the blonde bird in the frozen food isle at Sobey\u0026rsquo;s\u0026hellip; um, do you think you\u0026rsquo;re better than me? Is there something wrong with a tubby, bearded, bespectacled, wool-jacket-wearing guy carrying around some cooking onions? You needn\u0026rsquo;t feel ashamed to make eye contact with me. I mean, it\u0026rsquo;s not like\u0026hellip; what\u0026rsquo;s that? You\u0026rsquo;d like me to shut up so you can answer my questions? Well, go to it, doll.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cem\u003eDo you think you\u0026rsquo;re better than me?\u003c/em\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Someone told me long ago"},{"content":"To the lady purchasing the two small luggage bags in front of me at Zeller\u0026rsquo;s, when the price rings up as $50 and the regular price is $200, that is in fact a 75% discount, so you have no beef. When the counter lady pulls out a calculator to confirm this, you should probably believe her and shut your donut hole. While I have a good feeling that, in all likelihood, neither of you finished high school, she\u0026rsquo;s the one in the red shirt with the big fuckin\u0026rsquo; Z on it, so take her word.\nI happened to have been standing in line behind her with only a sale-priced bottle of Pepto Bismol and she was absolutely killing me. After she was persuaded into going through with her purchase and was asked for her HBC rewards card, she proceeded to stumble through recalling the rewards number from memory. Now there\u0026rsquo;s nothing wrong with being such a frequent Zeller\u0026rsquo;s shopper that you\u0026rsquo;d commit the number to memory, but I question why her transgendered, toothless, tattoo artist he-daughter couldn\u0026rsquo;t have inked that shit on her greasy forehead and gotten this tub of goo out of the store 10 seconds sooner.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/zeddy-would-fuck-your-face/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eTo the lady purchasing the two small luggage bags in front of me at Zeller\u0026rsquo;s, when the price rings up as $50 and the regular price is $200, that is in fact a 75% discount, so you have no beef. When the counter lady pulls out a calculator to confirm this, you should probably believe her and shut your donut hole. While I have a good feeling that, in all likelihood, neither of you finished high school, she\u0026rsquo;s the one in the red shirt with the big fuckin\u0026rsquo; Z on it, so take her word.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Zeddy would fuck your face"},{"content":"Here are some hilarious status updates I would\u0026rsquo;ve been posting if I were still on Facebook\u0026hellip;\nDave Barnhardt just finished masturbating into a shirt and is heading for bed. Cheers, Haines.\nDave Barnhardt slowed down to give a man and his wife the finger on the way in to work today, but doesn\u0026rsquo;t think they saw it. Sorry, East Indian family in the rusty minivan ahead of those guys.\nDave Barnhardt had sex with a 23-year-old blonde, 28-year-old redhead and a 19-year-old brunette, then woke up and had sex with a take-out menu from The Barrel.\nKatrina Barnhardt is sick of spending bedtime listening to her husband snore, fart, sniffle and work out leg, back and thigh cramps caused by said husband\u0026rsquo;s excessive tubbiness. Can\u0026rsquo;t he fuckin\u0026rsquo; die already?!\nDave Barnhardt took the 403 to work because someone died on the QEW and it messed up traffic real bad.\nDave Barnhardt needs some pointers on getting baconnaise out of 1\u0026hellip; 2\u0026hellip; 3 shirt collars.\nDave Barnhardt is beginning to suspect his son hates him because his son told him, \u0026ldquo;I hate you, Dad.\u0026rdquo;\nDave Barnhardt likes BLT\u0026rsquo;s right before bed. Yummmm!\nDave Barnhardt Hooray, the sun is out. I love Wednesdays!\nDave Barnhardt Oh, God. Why am I back on Facebook. I hate all you people. Just kidding! LOL\nSo to sum up, you\u0026rsquo;re not missing a damn thing.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/status-updates/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eHere are some hilarious status updates I would\u0026rsquo;ve been posting if I were still on Facebook\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDave Barnhardt\u003c/strong\u003e just finished masturbating into a shirt and is heading for bed. Cheers, Haines.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDave Barnhardt\u003c/strong\u003e slowed down to give a man and his wife the finger on the way in to work today, but doesn\u0026rsquo;t think they saw it. Sorry, East Indian family in the rusty minivan ahead of those guys.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDave Barnhardt\u003c/strong\u003e had sex with a 23-year-old blonde, 28-year-old redhead and a 19-year-old brunette, then woke up and had sex with a take-out menu from The Barrel.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Status Updates"},{"content":"Youngling was awake from 1 am to 3 am last night, so I was as well. He was alternating between trying to lay down on the floor next to Kat, turning on and off the hall lights and locking himself in the linen closet. In the olden days we didn\u0026rsquo;t have a linen closet and he used to lock himself in the oven. Some times we\u0026rsquo;d go days without seeing him and then I\u0026rsquo;d begin prepping a tasty tuna casserole and oops\u0026hellip; there\u0026rsquo;s Holden. Peekaboo, you manic no-sleep needing juggernaut.\nHere\u0026rsquo;s Holden\u0026rsquo;s latest picture of me. True story is he posed me with Mommy\u0026rsquo;s glasses and a partially deconstructed balloon horse and he had his finger over the flash which gave it the red tinge. Terrifying make believe story is that I snuck into Nugget\u0026rsquo;s basement darkroom while he was developing some prints and chloroformed his gay ass. The picture is what he saw just before passing out. Me with lady sunglasses, my new pimple-covering beard and some pregreased anal beads ready to violate his pretty, hairless rectum.\nFlorida Joe texted this morning whining about putting some pics of his trip to Pittsburgh to be an extra in the new Dark Knight movie up on this site. He said something about not getting fucked for like 11 minutes and he felt he needed a little bit of coverage to give him a leg up. Can\u0026rsquo;t quite understand why he\u0026rsquo;s moving away from his signature pickup move of showing random street whores the zero dollar balance in his bank account, waiting for them to be disgusted and starting to walk away, then running up to them, tapping them on the shoulder and asking, \u0026ldquo;You sure?\u0026rdquo; as he whips out the first 10 inches of his stereotype-shattering enormous Irish cock and balls. Hasn\u0026rsquo;t failed him yet, but I\u0026rsquo;ll support his new tactic.\nCan\u0026rsquo;t believe I\u0026rsquo;ve yet to share the incredible news! Guess what 8-month-old puppy has a new trick?! OUR\u0026rsquo;S! Without any kind of training our pup Ruby can now take cat shit from the litter, chew it ever so slightly so as to moisten and warm it and then curl up with it on my pillow. How sweet! Then when I waddle my bulbous tits to bed at 2:20 am after watching the series finale of Three\u0026rsquo;s Company and remove my glasses, I get to say, \u0026ldquo;What\u0026hellip; what the fuck is that?\u0026rdquo; to myself quietly. I then put my glasses back on, realize what it is, confirm with a sniff and then punch Ruby in the ribs and discard of the cat poop. Only thing that made me feel any bit better was to wake Kat up from her deep sleep to express my disgust. There\u0026rsquo;s no good reason why I\u0026rsquo;d see fit to wake her. In retrospect it\u0026rsquo;s unlikely that Ruby asked Kat if she could bring cat shit to the bed and after Kat\u0026rsquo;s initial, \u0026ldquo;No. Probably not a good idea.\u0026rdquo; that she was able to wear Kat down until she said, \u0026ldquo;Okay. But only a couple of logs.\u0026rdquo;\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/1-to-3/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eYoungling was awake from 1 am to 3 am last night, so I was as well. He was alternating between trying to lay down on the floor next to Kat, turning on and off the hall lights and locking himself in the linen closet. In the olden days we didn\u0026rsquo;t have a linen closet and he used to lock himself in the oven. Some times we\u0026rsquo;d go days without seeing him and then I\u0026rsquo;d begin prepping a tasty tuna casserole and oops\u0026hellip; there\u0026rsquo;s Holden. Peekaboo, you manic no-sleep needing juggernaut.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"1 to 3"},{"content":"Woke at 7:45 as I do most mornings. Snoozed until 8. Decided to have a shower before the youngling surfaced. Stared at that ugly shower shelf for a while. Damn that thing\u0026rsquo;s ugly. After I carelessly remove the rubs-my-thigh-while-I-shit ill-placed terlet paper hanger, I\u0026rsquo;m coming for you shower shelf.\nGot dressed and awoke the offspring. He was in a good mood so we left in good time. Before we left I created a masterpiece of crockpot goodness called Tex-Mex Slow Cooker Chicken. Set it for 8 hours as the recipe said and got the hell outta the house. Looked forward to it smelling like a candlelit Mexican villa when I returned. I leave the house each day hoping I\u0026rsquo;ll return to that smell. Perhaps tonight will be that night, I thought.\nArrived at work my customary 1 1/2 hours late. The place was abuzz with activity. I pushed my way past active coworkers and plunked my fat buttocks down into my chair, hoping no one would come along to disturb me. I had one hour left until a free lunch I was offered. I can\u0026rsquo;t remember the last time I turned down a free meal, even if I\u0026rsquo;d just eaten. In this way, I\u0026rsquo;m like the mighty antelope. Well, assuming the mighty antelope also wipes it\u0026rsquo;s boogers under it\u0026rsquo;s car seat, then there\u0026rsquo;s actually two ways I\u0026rsquo;m like the mighty antelope.\nHad my free lunch which consisted of a roast beef sandwich on a fancy bun, some iced tea and a Barnhardt-sized brownie. Later in the afternoon I would find a small dot of brownie on my shirt. I must assume it was from my lunch brownie for it has been at least a fortnight since my previous brownie.\nDid work-type stuff all afternoon. You know, the nerdy kind of technical work-type stuff that would make a Carolan\u0026rsquo;s head hurt and would be completed by a Zammit half as well for a third the money. Incidentally, Joe of the Carolan variety texted me a picture of his new lady friend. She\u0026rsquo;s hot, but will it last? As long as there\u0026rsquo;s room behind his 13-inch wang to hide his He-Man toy collection, he should be just fine.\nAs the 9-to-5\u0026rsquo;ers started to vacate the premises I heard on the radio that the QEW Niagara bound was closed at the 403. Hmm. Terrific. And they said it would only take 5 or 6 hours to open again. Wonderful. So I carried on and waited to hear an update\u0026hellip;\n\u0026hellip; and when the update as of 8 pm was that it was still closed, I figured I\u0026rsquo;d head out.\nStopped at Walmart in Toronto to kill some time. On my way out I had to use the restroom. There was an off-white dude washing his hands as I nestled up to the urinal. I\u0026rsquo;m pee-shy at the best of times, but when he activated the hand dryer and the jet engine sounding air stream blasted out, my urine ducked behind a corner, far too frightened to leave the cozy warmth of my tubby bladder. After he left, everything was groovy.\nHeading down the highway I heard that the QEW had opened up. Woohoo! But, there was another accident by the Ford plant. So I stopped dead there. Got past Burlington and hit construction in Grimsby. MOTHER FUCKER! So 2 1/2 hours later, I got back home. It didn\u0026rsquo;t smell like a Mexican villa and my slow cooker dinner was mediocre at best. I still ate a bunch of it, but I didn\u0026rsquo;t like it.\nI just finished looking at a timely article on Canoe called Is your commute worth it? They say \u0026ldquo;If you are a busy person, perhaps committed to a family, volunteer activities and/or a lively social calendar, however, that ten hours a week may not be something you are willing to give up.\u0026rdquo; Okay, well I\u0026rsquo;m committed to my family but none of those other things. They continue, \u0026ldquo;Those that find it hard to make friends or who find it difficult to join social groups can struggle with a commute that pulls them from one world to the other each day.\u0026rdquo; I\u0026rsquo;m both those things. Interesting. And finally, \u0026ldquo;Be sure that your choice primarily represents your priorities, whether they are of economics or some other measure of the quality of life.\u0026rdquo; I don\u0026rsquo;t know what it all means and it is 2:05 in the morning, but I really think waddling downstairs and eating a Wunderbar is probably a good next move.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/this-whole-towns-a-pussy-just-waiting-to-get-fucked/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke at 7:45 as I do most mornings. Snoozed until 8. Decided to have a shower before the youngling surfaced. Stared at that ugly shower shelf for a while. Damn that thing\u0026rsquo;s ugly. After I carelessly remove the rubs-my-thigh-while-I-shit ill-placed terlet paper hanger, I\u0026rsquo;m coming for you shower shelf.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGot dressed and awoke the offspring. He was in a good mood so we left in good time. Before we left I created a masterpiece of crockpot goodness called \u003ca href=\"http://www.cozi.com/live-simply/recipes/tex-mex-slow-cooker-chicken\" title=\"Yum?\"\u003eTex-Mex Slow Cooker Chicken\u003c/a\u003e. Set it for 8 hours as the recipe said and got the hell outta the house. Looked forward to it smelling like a candlelit Mexican villa when I returned. I leave the house each day hoping I\u0026rsquo;ll return to that smell. Perhaps tonight will be that night, I thought.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"This whole town's a pussy just waiting to get fucked"},{"content":"Yep, this is a half-assed post. I\u0026rsquo;m only using half of my ass. Which half? The slightly less pimply half. You know, the half with a little bit of taco meat on it. The half with the birthmark that looks like the bitch at Canadian Tire who ignored me when I said \u0026ldquo;Excuse me\u0026rdquo; and then went home where her husband Ned beat the shit out of her for not restocking the pantry with toilet paper. That half.\nI\u0026rsquo;ve decided something. I\u0026rsquo;ve decided that if you don\u0026rsquo;t find the following image funny (I didn\u0026rsquo;t make it) then I can no longer be your friend. So if you don\u0026rsquo;t giggle or at least smirk at it, you are no longer ever allowed to come here. Thank you.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/yum-2/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eYep, this is a half-assed post. I\u0026rsquo;m only using half of my ass. Which half? The slightly less pimply half. You know, the half with a little bit of taco meat on it. The half with the birthmark that looks like the bitch at Canadian Tire who ignored me when I said \u0026ldquo;Excuse me\u0026rdquo; and then went home where her husband Ned beat the shit out of her for not restocking the pantry with toilet paper. That half.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Yum"},{"content":"The only thing I\u0026rsquo;ve learned about my new neighbourhood is that the Asian people nearby don\u0026rsquo;t respect boundaries and they love fire.\nDay 4 of being in the house and the 90-year-old matriarch of the nameless Asian family across the road took a shortcut across my property to pick up her young granddaughter at the bus stop near the end of my driveway. Seemed like a harmless enough venture, so I convinced myself to not turn the hose on her.\nDay 10 of being in the house and I was enjoying a cold cup of water on my deck. I heard the enjoyment of others and snapped my head around to see what was going on. I saw two young members of the Asian clan darting across my property, passing in between our cars and the garage door and running across my front yard. They ran into their house and closed the door quickly after looking over their shoulders. Couple of minutes later and a white kid came running down the road, clearly looking for the two Asian kids. I don\u0026rsquo;t know how that story eventually ended, but I hope the white kid realized the hunted kids were in the house and busted in after them. I hope he then started cutting off the one Asian kid\u0026rsquo;s ears when the other one snuck up behind him and shoved a spiral straw through his larynx, killing him instantly. Then they both took turns peeing onto white boy\u0026rsquo;s body while the one not peeing worked on some tricky math problems.\nDay 15 of being in the house and I was perched on my shitty couch watching something on the TV I\u0026rsquo;d already watched a thousand times. Something caught my eye to the left out the window and it was smoke billowing from the backyard of the other Asian family nearby. Flames took the place of the smoke as they shot about 10 feet into the sky. I walked outside onto the deck to see that the Father Asian was throwing yard waste into a barrel that was ablaze. I retreated into the house and kept an eye on the situation.\nNothing developed and the flames eventually disappeared. Though it\u0026rsquo;s probably because he ran out of yard waste, I\u0026rsquo;d like to think he fell in and his violent vomiting at the severity of the situation put out the fire. Hours later and he was still lodged in the barrel and slowly suffocating. His wife then returned home from her part-time job at the local sawmill. She came running out to the backyard when she wasn\u0026rsquo;t greeted by her husband in the kitchen for her usual welcome home cunnilingus. In the backyard she tried to get her husband out of the barrel but she was too weak because she\u0026rsquo;s a woman. He yelled for her to try harder and when she did she fell into the barrel as well, getting stuck beside her husband of 21 years. They both struggled fiercely which only made them become more firmly stuck. Three hours passed and they eventually ran out of energy. Into the early hours of the morning they shared secrets long left unspoken. They laughed and cried and watched each other slowly die.\nThe other strange thing I saw happen just this morning as I drove to work and wouldn\u0026rsquo;t you know it, another Asian was the culprit. He was riding his bike along the QEW between Sodom and Netherby Roads. Now you\u0026rsquo;re not supposed to do that. I don\u0026rsquo;t think there\u0026rsquo;s any place in North America where you can do that. Quite possibly there\u0026rsquo;s no place in the World that you can drive a bike down a freeway. It\u0026rsquo;s not safe. Not safe at all. I don\u0026rsquo;t care what colour your skin is.\nAnyway, he looked sweaty and exhausted and I hope he was on his way to get a Fresca or a Michelob Light.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/guess-what-now-this-is-happening/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThe only thing I\u0026rsquo;ve learned about my new neighbourhood is that the Asian people nearby don\u0026rsquo;t respect boundaries and they love fire.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDay 4 of being in the house and the 90-year-old matriarch of the nameless Asian family across the road took a shortcut across my property to pick up her young granddaughter at the bus stop near the end of my driveway. Seemed like a harmless enough venture, so I convinced myself to not turn the hose on her.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Guess what? Now this is happening."},{"content":"I\u0026rsquo;m in my new home. Lots of work to do. Hardly anything put away. Boxes everywhere. No internet. Stealing from a neighbour. Will post again when I return to work Monday and my shitty attitude returns.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/kilometre/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;m in my new home. Lots of work to do. Hardly anything put away. Boxes everywhere. No internet. Stealing from a neighbour. Will post again when I return to work Monday and my shitty attitude returns.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Kilometre"},{"content":"Quick story about this one day a few weeks back. It was getting late and I\u0026rsquo;d just arrived back at the house. My unremarkable erection and I had been spending a few hours at the local supermarket trying to lure a 17-year-old cashier into my car. With the promise of killer weed I actually got her outside. At that point I revealed that there was no weed. She was visibly upset so I consoled her by directing her attention to the misplaced dick hole I\u0026rsquo;d made in my sweatpants. You see, it was 3 inches too low and the only thing visible was some upper thigh stretch marks and the tip of a single pube. Probably best that she ran away just then because I was about to unzip my red satin hoody to reveal the homemade \u0026lsquo;PUT YOUR SHITTER ON MY SPITTER\u0026rsquo; mesh tank top that hid beneath. It probably would\u0026rsquo;ve sealed the deal, but we\u0026rsquo;ll never know and by never I mean next Wednesday when I\u0026rsquo;ll give it another shot.\nI approached our house and something caught my eye on the red brick wall to the left of the side door. I looked closely and my heart absolutely sank. It was Gerald. You probably remember him as Shitty Pete from this post. I dropped my wallet and keys onto the driveway as the shock overtook me. I didn\u0026rsquo;t think I\u0026rsquo;d ever see him again.\nGerald was a house centipede with whom I\u0026rsquo;d shared a special day about 3 1/2 years ago. Our last moments together were spent going over our hopes and dreams for the future. He told me that he always wanted to follow in his father\u0026rsquo;s footsteps and become a beautician. He was even planning to attend college, but he couldn\u0026rsquo;t afford it. He said that he was totally devastated when his OSAP application was denied. He was hopeless. Still, I felt that a little bit of positive thinking and good fortune could change his fate.\nSo when I returned home to see him on the outside of my house I looked forward to catching up. I quietly approached and looked close to see that he was in the midst of being face fucked by a moth. He was choking on moth dick in the most violent display of sexual activity since Ryan Spoar\u0026rsquo;s honeymoon. The moth had a look of sheer joy on it\u0026rsquo;s face, but Gerald\u0026hellip; he did not. A shallow stream of tears flowed from the slits of his eyes which he held tightly closed. I tore through the silence with some gentle sobs of my own and it was then that he noticed me.\n\u0026ldquo;David?\u0026rdquo; he asked, in his somewhat British accent, turning his head towards me and mumbling through a mouthful of moth semen.\n\u0026ldquo;Gerald\u0026hellip; Shitty. What\u0026rsquo;s going on? Where\u0026rsquo;ve you been and\u0026hellip; why are you doing this?\u0026rdquo;\nThe moth took this opportunity to fly away, tossing a 5 dollar bill into Gerald\u0026rsquo;s sticky hands as he took flight.\n\u0026ldquo;You changed my life that day we spent together,\u0026rdquo; Shitty explained. \u0026ldquo;I left and took to the road with a family of raccoons I met behind your back fence. They treated me like gold and I repaid them with a nightly concert of Cyndi Lauper tunes and backrubs. They taught me to laugh again. They put me on their dental plan and I was able to get my mouth sores treated. I really felt positive about life.\u0026rdquo;\n\u0026ldquo;Did you make it to college?\u0026rdquo;\n\u0026ldquo;I did. I graduated with a diploma in esthetics. I opened up my own parlour. Business was booming and then\u0026hellip;\u0026rdquo;, Shitty stopped suddenly and broke down, crying hard now.\n\u0026ldquo;What?\u0026rdquo;\n\u0026ldquo;It was a crime of passion. That\u0026rsquo;s all. I had no idea what I was doing. I was so fucked up.\u0026rdquo;\nShitty went on to tell me how he\u0026rsquo;d taken a girl home. Her name was Linda and she was a client from the shop. They began to get intimate and then the girl blacked out. She was diabetic and had skipped dinner to roller blade through the park on their date. Well, Shitty wasn\u0026rsquo;t in his right mind due to all the mescaline he\u0026rsquo;d taken to get his confidence up. He raped that girl 19 times before she started to come to. When she realized what had happened she lost it and started trying to mash Shitty with a coffee mug. Shitty picked up a lamp and smashed her over the head, killing her instantly. In that moment, the girl\u0026rsquo;s blood pooling at the base of his 166 feet, he knew it was all over.\nIn the panic, Shitty thought the best course of action would be to dispose of the body so he began to eat it. He\u0026rsquo;d barely consumed one eighth of a finger when the cops arrived. He was tried for murder, convicted and sent to prison.\nAbout a year into his sentence, he crawled out of jail. I mean, he\u0026rsquo;s a God damned centipede, not a human. He literally walked right out.\nSince then he spent each day gradually making his way back to my place. Once there, he told me he\u0026rsquo;d made money here and there orally pleasuring any bug who\u0026rsquo;d take him. Most nights he\u0026rsquo;d curl up under my back deck on a pile of leaves. He didn\u0026rsquo;t sleep much anymore, Shitty told me. His head was full of the visions of what he\u0026rsquo;d done to that poor 73-year-old woman.\n\u0026ldquo;Why didn\u0026rsquo;t you tell me you were back,\u0026rdquo; I asked.\n\u0026ldquo;I couldn\u0026rsquo;t face you. It\u0026rsquo;s because of you that I achieved my dreams and I didn\u0026rsquo;t want you to know that I\u0026rsquo;d let it all be for nothing.\u0026rdquo;\n\u0026ldquo;Shitty. Gerald\u0026hellip; Friend. You\u0026rsquo;re a terrific guy and I forgive you for what you\u0026rsquo;ve done. I\u0026rsquo;m so happy you were able to accomplish everything you did. I know your Dad would be proud.\u0026rdquo;\nHe finally let a smile creep onto his face and we hugged each other. I was left feeling that everything would be okay. That Shitty was a new guy and there were still happy days ahead of him. I told him I had to get going but insisted that he stay in touch. He nodded and shook my hand.\nOn the way into the house, just before locking the door, I realized that I\u0026rsquo;d left a tasty chicken caesar wrap in the car and headed back out. I didn\u0026rsquo;t notice that Shitty Pete had gotten off the wall and was walking across the driveway. To say the heal of my $130 shoes came into contact with Shitty would be an understatement. His entire body disappeared completely under my right foot and by the time my 239 pounds of lard finished taking a step, he was gone. I moved my foot to see that I had ground his anus region into his face region and they were now indistinguishable from each other. I rubbed my shoe on the grass, grabbed my chicken caesar wrap and headed back into the house.\nIt was a tasty wrap with the perfect amount of bacon, light mayo, three cheeses, cucumbers, banana peppers, green peppers, olives, sauteed onions, sauteed mushrooms, salt and pepper. Delightful, really. I mean, sincerely, it was very, very tasty. Man\u0026hellip; yeah\u0026hellip; it was a good wrap.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-rise-and-fall-of-shitty-pete/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eQuick story about this one day a few weeks back. It was getting late and I\u0026rsquo;d just arrived back at the house. My unremarkable erection and I had been spending a few hours at the local supermarket trying to lure a 17-year-old cashier into my car. With the promise of killer weed I actually got her outside. At that point I revealed that there was no weed. She was visibly upset so I consoled her by directing her attention to the misplaced dick hole I\u0026rsquo;d made in my sweatpants. You see, it was 3 inches too low and the only thing visible was some upper thigh stretch marks and the tip of a single pube. Probably best that she ran away just then because I was about to unzip my red satin hoody to reveal the homemade \u0026lsquo;PUT YOUR SHITTER ON MY SPITTER\u0026rsquo; mesh tank top that hid beneath. It probably would\u0026rsquo;ve sealed the deal, but we\u0026rsquo;ll never know and by never I mean next Wednesday when I\u0026rsquo;ll give it another shot.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The Rise and Fall of Shitty Pete"},{"content":"Off to sleep I headed last night at around 8:30. Because you\u0026rsquo;ve become a responsible adult? you ask. Nope. Headache. Sleepy. Done, man. Just done. You see, I\u0026rsquo;m off my meds, which means my thyroid is on it\u0026rsquo;s own. You ain\u0026rsquo;t gonna help me? asks my thyroid. No, thyroid. When have you done anything for me? When I had a flat bike tire that time I saw you drive right on by and pretend you didn\u0026rsquo;t see me. In fact, as I was waiting for my Mom to pick me up and I shit my pants I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure you had something to do with it. So, no. No meds for you. What\u0026rsquo;s that? You\u0026rsquo;re gonna ensure I\u0026rsquo;m sleepy and energy-free for the rest of my days? Joke\u0026rsquo;s on you, shithead. I\u0026rsquo;ve got 2-3 years left at best. Go fuck my thalamus in the amoeba-hole.\nWoke around 2 or 3 am in a puddle of sweat and not the standard Monday 2 or 3 am sweat I\u0026rsquo;m accustomed to. It was humid in Fort Erie, you see, and I hadn\u0026rsquo;t yet adjusted the dampers on my vents to redirect the A/C to the second floor. This house is higher maintenance than Jenny Shergold. That girl only gets her dampers adjusted once or twice every couple years, according to Kyle.\nAs I tried to get back to sleep, our puppy Ruby tried to curl up between and around my sweaty legs. Apparently the smell of nearby testicles comforts her, but her presence made me real angry. Fairly sure I set some kinda distance record when I booted her off the bottom of the bed. I was so proud of myself that I gave the wife a preemptive please-stop-snoring elbow to the back lest she get any ideas.\nFinally dozed off only to be awoken by my youngling talking to himself in the bed behind me. The wife caved first and took him back downstairs to his bed. I just swished and sloshed in my salty sweat bath and hoped the roof would cave in and end me.\nYoungling, God bless him, returned to our bedroom around 4:30 and it was my turn. Took him back to his bedroom and filled him with milk. He got real sleepy and I offloaded him into his bed. Headed back upstairs through the kitchen, looking up to note that it was starting to get light outside. Well, shouldn\u0026rsquo;t have bothered noting anything because as I did I slammed my toe into the edge of the stairs. Well, that\u0026rsquo;s a fitting way to end that.\nSlept a bit longer, even managing to mostly sleep through the thunderous blasts of Kiss 98.5 that I have to be subjected to when the wife\u0026rsquo;s alarm goes off. Only thing worse than going through such a shitty evening is having it punctuated by Taio Cruz singing Dynamite. Yes, Taio. I know you came to dance, dance, dance, dance. I suspect you also came to see if Ralph was here so you could punch him in the face and suck his dick as he was losing consciousness. You don\u0026rsquo;t sing about that though, do you? I strongly feel that a cheery tune about you getting face fucked would be far closer to a feeling of dynamite for me and my peers.\nWoke at 8 and dragged my now 240 pounds of World-hating tit meat into the shower. Thank Goodness for the shower. It\u0026rsquo;s truly the reset button on the Barnhardt misery switch.\nHeaded off to work where I was raised on the shoulders of a raucous Ewok tribe and carried throughout their village. They carried me past the Ewok butcher, the Ewok library and the Ewok gay porno theatre. When they slowed down to take a corner I jumped off their shoulders and saw one of them was walking on crutches because he\u0026rsquo;d hurt his knee. I kicked him in the throat and took the crutches from him. The crowd of Ewoks must have been about 80 to 100 strong, but I beat each of them to death with those crutches. One of them pretended he was dead and then lunged for the crutches when I wasn\u0026rsquo;t looking so I tore off his eyelids and fashioned myself a pretty bracelet out of them. Took me like 35 minutes to make the bracelet and the whole time he was screaming and clutching his eyeball area. Then I grabbed his upper half and I grabbed his lower half and I twisted and he split in two in a comical, terrifying fashion. It was the sound it made that upset me more than anything. I\u0026rsquo;ve got sensitive, delicate ears. Wait a second. Did any of that actually happen? I honestly can\u0026rsquo;t say. Hmm. Weird.\nLeft work and celebrated not going nuts and shooting up the joint by going to Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s. Ordered a cappuccino and everything bagel. After ordering she told me the price would be $3.59. I reached into my pocket to find that I only had $3.57. I said, \u0026ldquo;Uh oh. This could be a problem.\u0026rdquo; aloud as I slowly progressed towards the window. I looked down at the floor mat beneath my feet and said \u0026ldquo;Come on\u0026rdquo; to myself like Michael J. Fox before slamming his head into the Delorean\u0026rsquo;s steering wheel. I lifted the corner of the mat and found a dime. A magical, dirty, salty pube-covered dime. I have such minimal requirements for what constitutes a happy moment any more, it\u0026rsquo;s sad.\nGot to the window and was told they didn\u0026rsquo;t have everything bagels. Would you like to try a sesame bagel? the slightly Asian girl asked. Yes, dear. Try one. I\u0026rsquo;d like to try one like I\u0026rsquo;ve never had one before. You are hysterical, girl. Now go get me that fucking bagel and make sure I can\u0026rsquo;t see through the hole in the middle. Make sure that passageway is so crowded with cream cheese that even long after my last bite of bagel I\u0026rsquo;m still tasting cream cheese. I mean, like, I wanna be going to bed tonight and still trying to wipe dairy remnants from the corners of my mouth. That\u0026rsquo;s how much cream cheese I want. Can you do that for me, honey? You can\u0026rsquo;t? Well then whatever you\u0026rsquo;ve got is fine. Thanks for your time and good day to you, madam.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/wild-frings/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eOff to sleep I headed last night at around 8:30. \u003cem\u003eBecause you\u0026rsquo;ve become a responsible adult?\u003c/em\u003e you ask. Nope. Headache. Sleepy. Done, man. Just done. You see, I\u0026rsquo;m off my meds, which means my thyroid is on it\u0026rsquo;s own. \u003cem\u003eYou ain\u0026rsquo;t gonna help me?\u003c/em\u003e asks my thyroid. No, thyroid. When have you done anything for me? When I had a flat bike tire that time I saw you drive right on by and pretend you didn\u0026rsquo;t see me. In fact, as I was waiting for my Mom to pick me up and I shit my pants I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure you had something to do with it. So, no. No meds for you. What\u0026rsquo;s that? You\u0026rsquo;re gonna ensure I\u0026rsquo;m sleepy and energy-free for the rest of my days? Joke\u0026rsquo;s on you, shithead. I\u0026rsquo;ve got 2-3 years left at best. Go fuck my thalamus in the amoeba-hole.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Wild Frings"},{"content":"So our house has officially sold as of today and not a moment too soon. We get the new house in less than a month. New house is a lot bigger and has a pool, which means I should be discovered by unconcerned neighbours floating face down in said pool in the early days of July. Shaun Carolan does a terrific impression of Dave Barnhardt dead in a pool. Ask him to do it, if you can find him. Last I heard he was evading creditors by dressing up as a pile of shit and hiding in Dan Zammit\u0026rsquo;s backyard next to Dan\u0026rsquo;s actual backyard pile of shit. It\u0026rsquo;s hard to tell them apart, but here\u0026rsquo;s a hint: the actual pile of shit has better career prospects.\nLooking at my diary of happenings since my last post, well, Luc Bertran now has an adorable baby daughter. He sent an email to everyone with a picture of himself and his girls. Dude looks as exhausted as me trying to lift my girth out of the bathtub and his baby\u0026rsquo;s not even 2 weeks old. I suspect next time I\u0026rsquo;m stress-eating a two-combo-meal second dinner alongside the Welland canal I\u0026rsquo;ll look to my left to find him doing the same. It\u0026rsquo;s all that\u0026rsquo;s left, Luc. Embrace it. And if you don\u0026rsquo;t mind, please pass me some napkins as I\u0026rsquo;ve once again barbecue sauced my steering wheel.\nKartek Kyle is reportedly hanging up his hat and taking some time off to de-stress. Really? Dude hasn\u0026rsquo;t stressed over shit since he was born. One time I saw him accidentally drop a hot soldering iron onto his sockless foot and he totally finished sucking me off without skipping a beat, then quietly Kleenexed his face and calmly removed the iron and went back to alternating between kicking his wife, cat and children. Philtek won\u0026rsquo;t be the same without you\u0026hellip; and thank God for that because who needs their tires randomly falling off.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/sold/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo our house has officially sold as of today and not a moment too soon. We get the new house in less than a month. New house is a lot bigger and has a pool, which means I should be discovered by unconcerned neighbours floating face down in said pool in the early days of July. Shaun Carolan does a terrific impression of Dave Barnhardt dead in a pool. Ask him to do it, if you can find him. Last I heard he was evading creditors by dressing up as a pile of shit and hiding in Dan Zammit\u0026rsquo;s backyard next to Dan\u0026rsquo;s actual backyard pile of shit. It\u0026rsquo;s hard to tell them apart, but here\u0026rsquo;s a hint: the actual pile of shit has better career prospects.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"SOLD"},{"content":"So as the Fort Erie gossip trees have been telling you by means of their oft-dropped whisper leaves into the sunroof of your \u0026lsquo;84 Jeep, Kat and I are moving soon. Closer to Toronto, you ask, with an air of logic and reason. FUCK NO! This site ain\u0026rsquo;t called TorontoDave, is it?! And it never will be. In fact, just because you even let that thought cross your mind, I\u0026rsquo;m gonna make sure we move FURTHER away from Toronto next time. Manitoba. We\u0026rsquo;re moving to Manitoba next time. It\u0026rsquo;s lovely there this time of year.\nToo soon?\nAaaaanywho. Yes, we\u0026rsquo;ve moving. Moving all of about 0.75 kilometres away. Zero point seven five. Hmm. That reminds me of a story. I\u0026rsquo;m trying to shop around for a mortgage right now. What a shit show this has been. Got an offer from my peeps at Royal Bank. Decided I\u0026rsquo;d look around to make sure I was getting a \u0026ldquo;Barnhardt rate\u0026rdquo; and not a \u0026ldquo;Zammit rate.\u0026rdquo; Went to BANK A where the woman (whose physical appearance fell somewhere between the old chick in Scary movie and the landlady in Kingpins) pretty well laughed me out of the place when I told her what rate I was hoping for. I think she was just giving me the same reaction her hairdresser gives her when she asks if they can make her look pretty.\nWent to BANK B and had a delightful experience. Great rate. Good people. Then some Jarvis Street poutine, which is my current favourite food. Coming a distant second are the miniature President\u0026rsquo;s Choice Chipwich knockoffs Kat has in the freezer and at third place, holding strong for over 37 straight weeks\u0026hellip; The Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s Everything Bagel with Triple-Fat Cream Cheese. Didn\u0026rsquo;t know you could ask for Triple-Fat? You can\u0026rsquo;t. When you drive up with this many chins and forehead pimples, they force you to take it.\nBANK C had zero interest in my business, but did offer the best rate. Hmm. Game on! Took the best rate to B who matched it. Hmm. Took that rate back to Royal who beat it. Interesting. Took that rate back to B who matched it. What the? Rates have gone down at B so I took that back to Royal, who are now being resistant to match or beat it.\nWhat a cyclone of bullshit. Glad I don\u0026rsquo;t do this often. What am I gonna do? Well, I\u0026rsquo;ll leave you hanging on the cliff, right next to me, where I sit and eat a bag of Nacho Cheese Dorito\u0026rsquo;s and ponder my options. Seriously considering moving away from Royal after they hesitated to play ball. I kinda think that exchange with Royal would go something like Homer and Moe when\u0026hellip; well, you remember? You don\u0026rsquo;t? Well if only some dim-witted fat guy would put a maroon speaker icon on a yellow half-pill next to a light grey half-pill with a dark grey triangle that played some sound when you clicked it.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/broker-damn-near-killed-her/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo as the Fort Erie gossip trees have been telling you by means of their oft-dropped whisper leaves into the sunroof of your \u0026lsquo;84 Jeep, Kat and I are moving soon. Closer to Toronto, you ask, with an air of logic and reason. FUCK NO! This site ain\u0026rsquo;t called TorontoDave, is it?! And it never will be. In fact, just because you even let that thought cross your mind, I\u0026rsquo;m gonna make sure we move FURTHER away from Toronto next time. Manitoba. We\u0026rsquo;re moving to Manitoba next time. It\u0026rsquo;s lovely there this time of year.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Broker, DAMN NEAR KILLED HER!"},{"content":"\nAfter a long fight with illness, we lost our best friend Sunny today. She was the first Barnhardt family dog when she joined us back in the Fall of 1999. She was tough and brave through all of the bullshit and hard times over the years. Mommy Katrina took unbelievably good care of you and you were an inspiration to us both to the end. You will be missed. Say Hi to Dodger for us now that you\u0026rsquo;re again by his side.\nAnd fate, if you\u0026rsquo;re reading this, go fuck yourself. I\u0026rsquo;ve had all I can take.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/sunny-barnhardt-1998-2011/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/s1.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAfter a long fight with illness, we lost our best friend Sunny today. She was the first Barnhardt family dog when she joined us back in the Fall of 1999. She was tough and brave through all of the bullshit and hard times over the years. Mommy Katrina took unbelievably good care of you and you were an inspiration to us both to the end. You will be missed. Say Hi to Dodger for us now that you\u0026rsquo;re again by his side.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Sunny Barnhardt (1998-2011)"},{"content":"Where has the right side of this web page gone?!, you\u0026rsquo;re asking yourself. It\u0026rsquo;s gone! It was there. For a while it was a random picture from the photo gallery, often bouncing inappropriately from a picture of my loving Grandmother to a picture of Joe buttfucking one of the American posse on New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve. Then it was fake video of Shaun rear-ending a broad in a dark hotel room. And now it\u0026rsquo;s just that Frankenhooker bullshit from Calgary. It\u0026rsquo;s clear that, much like the odour in the front of my undies, things have gotten much worse here lately. I say let\u0026rsquo;s just be thankful things haven\u0026rsquo;t gone the way of the back of my undies where it\u0026rsquo;s a veritable tsunami of ass hair and pimple blood.\nI\u0026rsquo;d like to take this post to celebrate the good people at Bill\u0026rsquo;s Toyota (I apologize to everyone who got here by Googling \u0026ldquo;pimple blood\u0026rdquo; and \u0026ldquo;Toyota\u0026rdquo;; my bad). Not once, not twice, but thrice they have put a smile upon my face by giving me some freeness. The first time was about 2 years ago when they replaced my odometer pro bono. Damn thing stopped at 299,999 km\u0026rsquo;s! They took care of it. Second time was about 7 weeks ago when my check engine light came on driving home from work and the tranny started shifting rough. Bam, free computer, again under \u0026ldquo;warranty\u0026rdquo; even though I was at about 430,000 km\u0026rsquo;s. Third time was last month. Damn locking lugnut key busted and I needed to replace \u0026rsquo;em. Went over and said, \u0026ldquo;Hey. I need some nuts!\u0026rdquo; Dude disappeared, then came back and put 4 lugnuts into my hand and said, \u0026ldquo;Take \u0026rsquo;em and run.\u0026rdquo; I took them and waddled out to the car with my usual shit-eating grin growing wider.\nThey\u0026rsquo;re good people. Go buy something from them. Well, anything except a Toyota. Damn, those things are overpriced!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/three-for-free/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cem\u003eWhere has the right side of this web page gone?!\u003c/em\u003e, you\u0026rsquo;re asking yourself. It\u0026rsquo;s gone! It was there. For a while it was a random picture from the photo gallery, often bouncing inappropriately from a picture of my loving Grandmother to a picture of Joe buttfucking one of the American posse on New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve. Then it was fake video of Shaun rear-ending a broad in a dark hotel room. And now it\u0026rsquo;s just that Frankenhooker bullshit from Calgary. It\u0026rsquo;s clear that, much like the odour in the front of my undies, things have gotten much worse here lately. I say let\u0026rsquo;s just be thankful things haven\u0026rsquo;t gone the way of the back of my undies where it\u0026rsquo;s a veritable tsunami of ass hair and pimple blood.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Three for free"},{"content":"I\u0026rsquo;m not gonna lie to you. I had no business putting that exclamation mark up there. Totally undeserved. I sincerely apologize for getting your hopes up for the 298th time. Wow, have I really almost posted 300 times? Yes. Let\u0026rsquo;s all pause and celebrate the insignificance of that.\nGood. Moving on\u0026hellip;\nDuring my 150 kilometre drive in to work today I was thinking about a money-making endeavour that would benefit both you (yes, you) and me. Go with me on this one. Okay, step 1: I quit my job. Step 2: I make this site the most awesomest, super-cool site you\u0026rsquo;ve ever seen by dumping some money and effort into it. Step 3: I charge you all $25 per month to be a member of the site, a FortErieDave Torpedo of Truth Seeker, if you will. I win because I can still afford to pump myself full of double cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes, and you win because I have the time to entertain you. Probably several times a day. Sounds nice, doesn\u0026rsquo;t it? Judging by the pretty line chart below, it would seem that some of you are still interested in my brand of in-fun-tain-ment!\nSo even when I didn\u0026rsquo;t have a damn thing here, 50 of you still wandered by each month. And when things got good, like after my youngling was born or after a rockin\u0026rsquo; New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve 2008, more than 250 different people were showing up. I\u0026rsquo;m awesome!\nI don\u0026rsquo;t need an answer now or any cash deposits. Just think about it. Grab the 2011 Home Hardware catalogue and head off to the shitter and think this one over. I think you may just be on board.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/winner-winner-barnhardt-dinner/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;m not gonna lie to you. I had no business putting that exclamation mark up there. Totally undeserved. I sincerely apologize for getting your hopes up for the 298th time. Wow, have I really almost posted 300 times? Yes. Let\u0026rsquo;s all pause and celebrate the insignificance of that.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGood. Moving on\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDuring my 150 kilometre drive in to work today I was thinking about a money-making endeavour that would benefit both you (yes, \u003cem\u003eyou\u003c/em\u003e) and me. Go with me on this one. Okay, step 1: I quit my job. Step 2: I make this site the most awesomest, super-cool site you\u0026rsquo;ve ever seen by dumping some money and effort into it. Step 3: I charge you all $25 per month to be a member of the site, a FortErieDave Torpedo of Truth Seeker, if you will. I win because I can still afford to pump myself full of double cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes, and you win because I have the time to entertain you. Probably several times a day. Sounds nice, doesn\u0026rsquo;t it? Judging by the pretty line chart below, it would seem that some of you are still interested in my brand of in-fun-tain-ment!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Winner Winner Barnhardt Dinner!"},{"content":"The other day I arrived at work and proceeded to the elevator area. A good old-fashioned fatty big-boned gal came out of a door as I stood there waiting. She had a look of frustration on her brow and was focused on her path. I took note of her displeasure as it was nice to see and it immediately brightened my morn\u0026rsquo;. All of a sudden she stopped quickly, turned around, said \u0026ldquo;Son of a bitch!\u0026rdquo; quite loudly and proceeded back into the door from whence she came. I can only assume that 30 minutes earlier she\u0026rsquo;d been sitting at her desk with a Twix bar and a Snickers that her friend Susan had given her and was having a tough time deciding which to eat. After half an hour of deep thought, she settled on the Snickers which took less than 8 seconds for her to consume and then she was up and on her way. Having walked 18 feet from her desk, the fact that she didn\u0026rsquo;t eat both treats was too much to bear and she had to go back for old Twixxy. Congratulations on your first two-chocolate-bar breakfast. Let me tell you, Tubalina, that you\u0026rsquo;ve just begun a hike down what is a long, slippery slope. At the bottom of the slope? Painful 4 am constipation and 4:30 am acid reflux. Welcome to the party, pal!\nSee, now that last paragraph was entirely uncalled for. Why couldn\u0026rsquo;t I have written a tale about something positive and uplifting? Do I always have to be a smart ass and look on the dark side of things, being altogether offensive and inappropriate? What\u0026rsquo;s wrong with me? How did I get like this?\nYour browser does not support the audio element. Yes, I\u0026rsquo;ve used \u0026lsquo;Monkey Wrench\u0026rsquo; before, now why don\u0026rsquo;t you go fuck your mother some more. Crap. There I go again.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/smile-and-frown/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThe other day I arrived at work and proceeded to the elevator area. A good old-fashioned fatty big-boned gal came out of a door as I stood there waiting. She had a look of frustration on her brow and was focused on her path. I took note of her displeasure as it was nice to see and it immediately brightened my morn\u0026rsquo;. All of a sudden she stopped quickly, turned around, said \u0026ldquo;Son of a bitch!\u0026rdquo; quite loudly and proceeded back into the door from whence she came. I can only assume that 30 minutes earlier she\u0026rsquo;d been sitting at her desk with a Twix bar and a Snickers that her friend Susan had given her and was having a tough time deciding which to eat. After half an hour of deep thought, she settled on the Snickers which took less than 8 seconds for her to consume and then she was up and on her way. Having walked 18 feet from her desk, the fact that she didn\u0026rsquo;t eat both treats was too much to bear and she had to go back for old Twixxy. Congratulations on your first two-chocolate-bar breakfast. Let me tell you, Tubalina, that you\u0026rsquo;ve just begun a hike down what is a long, slippery slope. At the bottom of the slope? Painful 4 am constipation and 4:30 am acid reflux. Welcome to the party, pal!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Smile and Frown"},{"content":"\nIf I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn\u0026rsquo;t be more surprised than I am now.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/engaged/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/IMG_1260.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn\u0026rsquo;t be more surprised than I am now.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"ENGAGED!"},{"content":"\u0026hellip; and here\u0026rsquo;s me taking a poop, straight from Holden\u0026rsquo;s digital camera.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-feel-like-taking-a-poop/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u0026hellip; and here\u0026rsquo;s me taking a poop, straight from Holden\u0026rsquo;s digital camera.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/PICT0069.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I feel like taking a poop..."},{"content":"I went to the doctor\u0026rsquo;s office the other day.\nAbout 5 weeks ago I was sledding with my son down a reasonable-sized hill in his new sled. I felt our path was about to involve a tree so I put down my left hand to change our direction. Sadly the only thing that quickly changed direction was either a tendon or bone in my hand and that direction was due South towards ouchville. I whined briefly about it and then when I realized no one cared I stopped and figured I\u0026rsquo;d go down the hill a couple more times and then never do anything physical again.\nDays and weeks went by and the pain stayed. It was aggravated by turning door knobs, steering my car and shoveling the driveway, all three of which I did muchly. It felt way better when I sat down and ate a vitamin-rich lunch free of trans fats, or at least I can only assume it would have not having done so.\nGave in and figured I\u0026rsquo;d better see the doctor on the off chance that something could actually be done about it. Went in this week and it was terrific because the waiting room only had one high school aged girl smartphoning away. I signed in and sat down and began smartphoning myself. I looked up at her at one point to see if we could make a smartphone connection, but she was enthralled with playing some game that required her to tilt the device back and forth. Whether it also required her to have her mouth open in an extremely non-sexy fly-catching manner I can\u0026rsquo;t say, but she did and it was pathetic.\n\u0026ldquo;Let me have your health card, David,\u0026rdquo; the receptionist shouted out in a condescending way that suggested she was unaware that she was employed as a receptionist and that I was wearing a fine wool jacket from The Gap. I slowly stood up and presented it to her. She responded with a quick glance at the card and then said, \u0026ldquo;Oh, it\u0026rsquo;s the red one. That\u0026rsquo;s fine.\u0026rdquo; Typically the punishment for making me stand up for no reason is severe, but I could almost see past her perky young titties to her belly button due to the deeply V\u0026rsquo;d neck on her shirt, so I let the offense go unpunished and my erection and I sat back down.\nA minute or two later and I was called into one of the exam rooms. Five minutes after that the slow adult receptionist popped her head into the room with my chart in her hand.\n\u0026ldquo;What are you here to see the doctor about today?\u0026rdquo;\nI slowly raised my left hand, paused and in a dramatic fashion replied, \u0026ldquo;My hand hurts,\u0026rdquo; and then lowered my hand. That was all the explanation she was gonna get.\n\u0026ldquo;Okay,\u0026rdquo; she said. \u0026ldquo;Is that the left hand or the right hand?\u0026rdquo;\nThe awesomeness of that question made me giggle on the inside but on the outside I maintained a straight face. I slowly raised my left hand again, turned it back and forth at the wrist, looked at it, then looked back at her and said, \u0026ldquo;Left.\u0026rdquo; Retardelina the receptionist scribbled something down and walked away down the hall where I assume she got her shirt sleeve caught in the baseboard heater and died.\nNice knowin\u0026rsquo; you, ya milk-titted dumbass.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/dummy/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI went to the doctor\u0026rsquo;s office the other day.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAbout 5 weeks ago I was sledding with my son down a reasonable-sized hill in his new sled. I felt our path was about to involve a tree so I put down my left hand to change our direction. Sadly the only thing that quickly changed direction was either a tendon or bone in my hand and that direction was due South towards ouchville. I whined briefly about it and then when I realized no one cared I stopped and figured I\u0026rsquo;d go down the hill a couple more times and then never do anything physical again.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Dummy"},{"content":"Ya, I kinda went off the deep end for a while there. I\u0026rsquo;m back on track. It\u0026rsquo;ll happen again, so let\u0026rsquo;s enjoy the lull.\nI think we can all appreciate that if our daily lives resembled the four photos below, this World would be a pretty swell place to live\u0026hellip;\n[mla_gallery]\n\u0026hellip; as long as you\u0026rsquo;re comfortable using the word \u0026lsquo;swell\u0026rsquo; when stretch marks, the year 2005 and Carolan\u0026rsquo;s are involved. Me, I\u0026rsquo;m comfortable with it all. I\u0026rsquo;m even comfortable using the term \u0026lsquo;blacks\u0026rsquo; when there are blacks in the room, but it\u0026rsquo;s usually under my breath and while I\u0026rsquo;m on my way out of the room to a place with more whites.\nSo what is life like? Well, for me, it\u0026rsquo;s waking up at 1 am on an ice cold Wednesday and being a circus clown with weak parenting skills trying to convince my intellectually superior 2-year-old son that he should be in bed. By the time the clock strikes 5 am and he\u0026rsquo;s finally succumb to exhaustion, I\u0026rsquo;m on the verge of my 39th mental breakdown of 2011 and seriously considering putting my face in the toaster. Why not just let your wife do the parenting? Because it\u0026rsquo;s not 1955, jerkoff.\nFast forward not far enough into the future and it\u0026rsquo;s 7:30 am. My alarm is going off, I have a dog stampeding on my face, a wide-awake youngling who wants to watch TV and a headache of Mel Zammit proportions. I close my eyes for an 8-minute nap, then awake and do my usual weekday routine, minus the unenthusiastic masturbation to exercise infomercials because I just don\u0026rsquo;t have the time.\nHead off to work and it\u0026rsquo;s now 9:42 am and I\u0026rsquo;m rolling into Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s for a pick-me-up. I order the usual bagel and coffee and roll up to the window. The high schooler with teal-coloured gloves tells me the total, takes my money, hands me the change, says \u0026ldquo;it\u0026rsquo;ll be a minute,\u0026rdquo; returns and hands me my bagel and I roll out of the drive thru. Notice something missing? I didn\u0026rsquo;t, until I was about 2 metres past the point of no return. Silly cum dumpster didn\u0026rsquo;t give me my coffee and I was far too sleepy to catch the mistake. I turned around, parked and waddled into the store, pushing past skilled tradesmen and retired grandparents to tell the Guatemalan cashier that I had just \u0026ldquo;driven thru\u0026rdquo; and wasn\u0026rsquo;t given my double double coffee.\nMicra the Guatemalan goes over to the drive-thru area and shouts back, \u0026ldquo;was it a large tea with milk,\u0026rdquo; which of course it fucking could not possibly have been when two seconds earlier I said coffee! I said no and she started rallying the troops to get my coffee. \u0026ldquo;Just make it over here,\u0026rdquo; Glenda the middle-aged cashier threw out at Micra, providing no actual or ancillary form of support and getting me no closer to thirst relief. A minute or so later the aforementioned troops assembled for me a lousy cup of coffee and I got in the car to see if that bastard could do 90.\nMade it to work 5 minutes shy of a meeting at 11 am. Parked the car and witnessed a few \u0026ldquo;retards\u0026rdquo; go the wrong way through a STOP sign. I work with retards. Meeting happened, some other stuff happened, another meeting happened during which I almost fell asleep, some other stuff happened then I came home. Stopped on the way as I figured I\u0026rsquo;d get a Blizzard. There was a line-up of school kids at Dairy Queen, so I got the hell outta there. Thanks, school kids, for being fuck-ups with sweet tooths. Sweet teeth. Sweet teeths. Fuck you. Fuck Wednesdays. Fuck 12:19 am and I\u0026rsquo;m not in bed yet.\nG\u0026rsquo;night and thank you for your support.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/hello-2/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eYa, I kinda went off the deep end for a while there. I\u0026rsquo;m back on track. It\u0026rsquo;ll happen again, so let\u0026rsquo;s enjoy the lull.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI think we can all appreciate that if our daily lives resembled the four photos below, this World would be a pretty swell place to live\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u0026hellip; as long as you\u0026rsquo;re comfortable using the word \u0026lsquo;swell\u0026rsquo; when stretch marks, the year 2005 and Carolan\u0026rsquo;s are involved. Me, I\u0026rsquo;m comfortable with it all. I\u0026rsquo;m even comfortable using the term \u0026lsquo;blacks\u0026rsquo; when there are blacks in the room, but it\u0026rsquo;s usually under my breath and while I\u0026rsquo;m on my way out of the room to a place with more whites.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Hello"},{"content":"Lest anyone think I\u0026rsquo;m under the impression I wasn\u0026rsquo;t just as tubby back then, here\u0026rsquo;s the photo to prove it. Me at about 265 pounds and Ryan Spoar looking more fuckable than ever!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/2001-dave-takes-up-a-lot-of-space-odyssey/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eLest anyone think I\u0026rsquo;m under the impression I wasn\u0026rsquo;t just as tubby back then, here\u0026rsquo;s the photo to prove it. Me at about 265 pounds and Ryan Spoar looking more fuckable than ever!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/fat2.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/fat2.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"2001: Dave Takes Up A Lot Of Space Odyssey"},{"content":"Only one who should be smiling in this picture taken circa 2001 is the waiter who probably sold thrice his usual amount of french fries to this table.\nDon\u0026rsquo;t forget to click on the picture to see it in all of it\u0026rsquo;s full-sized goodness!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/2001-a-fat-odyssey/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eOnly one who should be smiling in this picture taken circa 2001 is the waiter who probably sold thrice his usual amount of french fries to this table.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/ThoroldStoneRoad.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/ThoroldStoneRoad.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDon\u0026rsquo;t forget to click on the picture to see it in all of it\u0026rsquo;s full-sized goodness!\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003caudio controls preload=\"metadata\"\u003e\n  \u003csource src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/BeardStaysHonkyTonk.mp3\" type=\"audio/mp3\"\u003e\n  Your browser does not support the audio element.\n\u003c/audio\u003e","title":"2001: A Fat Odyssey"},{"content":"Voting has closed and the results are in\u0026hellip;\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/whatcha-think/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eVoting has closed and the results are in\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"poll result\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/poll-result.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Whatcha think?"},{"content":"So I\u0026rsquo;m growing a beard. Seemed like something to do. Going okay, \u0026lsquo;cept I look homeless now. Just wanna keep it long enough to see if it fills in the contours of my neck-chins enough to mask that horror. I\u0026rsquo;ll get back to you in 2 months.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/beard-stays-you-go/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo I\u0026rsquo;m growing a beard. Seemed like something to do. Going okay, \u0026lsquo;cept I look homeless now. Just wanna keep it long enough to see if it fills in the contours of my neck-chins enough to mask that horror. I\u0026rsquo;ll get back to you in 2 months.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Beard Stays, You Go"},{"content":"I hate you. But you\u0026rsquo;re in luck, because I hate myself just a little bit more. Otherwise, why would I share this embarrassment\u0026hellip;\nThis is a frame from my sophomore acting performance in an OAC French class presentation entitled Mes Derniere 24 Heures (My Last 24 Hours). I\u0026rsquo;ve probably spelled that wrong or left out some accents because on the long list of things I don\u0026rsquo;t care about anymore, French is #47.\nI\u0026rsquo;m sure you\u0026rsquo;re torn right now about which you should do first: masturbate, gouge your eyes out, or play connect the dots with my facne (face acne). Myself, I\u0026rsquo;m playing \u0026lsquo;find the chin.\u0026rsquo; I\u0026rsquo;ve been staring at this picture for 5 hours straight and still haven\u0026rsquo;t come close.\nThis film sucked pretty hard. Look at the shot below of the powerful just realized I have a day to live scene where the only thing worth watching on screen is the caramel smudge on the lens that I was too careless to spot and my closeted homosexual cameraman too timid to point out.\nI also look like I need to poop which, while probably factually accurate, wasn\u0026rsquo;t the point I was trying to make. I was hoping to look sullen and contemplative, wondering what to do with my last day alive. The shocking conclusion is that I decided to suicide myself off a cliff in my Mom\u0026rsquo;s 1990 Mercury Topaz \u0026ndash; a fate that many Topaz drivers at one time or another have considered.\nI\u0026rsquo;m not sure how to end this post but now I\u0026rsquo;ve got myself wanting caramel, so there goes any shot of being productive this afternoon.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/7-doors/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI hate you. But you\u0026rsquo;re in luck, because I hate myself just a little bit more. Otherwise, why would I share this embarrassment\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis is a frame from my sophomore acting performance in an OAC French class presentation entitled \u003cem\u003eMes Derniere 24 Heures\u003c/em\u003e (My Last 24 Hours). I\u0026rsquo;ve probably spelled that wrong or left out some accents because on the long list of things I don\u0026rsquo;t care about anymore, French is #47.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"7 doors"},{"content":"\nA very much loved member of our family passed away last night. Dodger was with us for 10 years and we feel like an important part of our lives is now gone. He was always up for a good time and loved hanging out on the couch with his sisters.\nYou will be missed but never forgotten, Dodgie.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/dodger-barnhardt-1998-2010/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/dod1.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA very much loved member of our family passed away last night. Dodger was with us for 10 years and we feel like an important part of our lives is now gone. He was always up for a good time and loved hanging out on the couch with his sisters.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/dod2.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou will be missed but never forgotten, Dodgie.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Dodger Barnhardt (1998-2010)"},{"content":"12:49 am – Drag my fat ass up to bed after watching Family Guy “It’s a Trap” SW Episode III parody and Robot Chicken’s SW Episode III parody. Dodger the dog has some ailments currently, so I carry him down the stairs, let him outside for a pee, then carry him back up the stairs. I go to bed.\n12:55 am – I’m starting to doze off and the wife rocks the bed to get me to stop snoring. I’m pretty sure I didn’t actually emit a snore, only a slightly noisy breath, so I elbow the wife, sigh, and turn over.\n3:11 am – I awake to my youngling running around the bedroom with a flashlight. It was like a God damned rave in there. Calmly escort him back downstairs and rock him to sleep for a bit before unceremoniously returning him to his bed. I then return to mine.\n3:23 am – The youngling isn’t asleep. I go downstairs and return him to bed which he doesn’t like. I go back upstairs.\n3:45 am – Youngling awakes. The wife awakes. She takes care of things.\n9:05 am – Youngling is still sleeping. Wake him up and fight with him (verbally, not physically) through eating some breakfast, getting dressed and getting the hell outta the house.\n11:15 am – Stop at Booster Juice in Niagara Falls because it’s my fucking birthday and I want my free fucking Booster Juice. The large spectacled gentleman in front of me orders some kind of combo and I wait for him to receive his order. The lady working there then asks me how she can help me and I respond by unfolding my Get your Free birthday Smoothie voucher and awkwardly explaining that I’m entitled to a free smoothie. She says, “Okay” and asks which one I want. I settle on The Original. She asks what kind of booster I’d like. I’m unfamiliar with this technology so she helps out. “Well, do you get enough calcium?” she asks, to which I respond, “Oh yeah,” my fat guts and body waddle in agreement as they ponder my ridiculous 34 years of dairy over indulgence. “If you don’t get enough greens then we could go with the Wilderness Booster,” to which I hesitate and then say, “Okay, let’s go with that.” “Don’t worry, you won’t taste it if that’s what you’re worried about,” she assures me. I suspect she says that to all the fat people who go in there.\n11:17 am – Back at my car I take a picture of said Booster Juice.\n11:18 am – I wander over to the Shoppers’ Drug Mart (SDM) next door to browse.\n11:21 am – As I exited SDM I heard a dude yell out, “Hey sir. Can you spare just a dollar?” I turned to my left to see a skinny dude with dark, acid-washed jeans and a puffy ivory Winter jacket about 40 feet away and heading in my direction. I turned away from him without saying anything. Then I turned back and said, “Sorry.” I wasn’t sorry though, but can’t help but regret not giving him my free smoothie as he needed a boost far more than I.\n11:23 am – Leaving the parking lot, I take a sip of my icy beverage. Wow, is that horrible! And what was she thinking telling me I wouldn’t taste the wilderness booster?! It’s as though I was being dragged face down through a forest and trying to stop myself with my tongue. I take 10-12 more sips, then convince myself to stop.\n12:18 pm – Getting close to work and the Booster Juice has taken it’s toll on my bladder. I decide to press on and retain my pee pee for work work.\n12:21 pm – Ooooh, stop-and-go traffic. I hope there’s an accident up ahead for me to piss myself to!!\n12:30 pm – Traffic subsides and I get off the highway and enter a Tim Horton’s. I get a far-too-big smile from a woman with the body of a 21 year old and face of a 42 year old. I suspect she was about 58 years old. As I leave the washroom I see a girl standing in line with the body of an 18 year old and face of a 16 year old. Perfect, I think to myself.\n12:34 pm – Back in the car I’m getting a headache, so down 2 Tylenols and wash them back with some wilderness smoothie. I find myself happy that the juice was put to good use.\n12:59 pm – Finally at work. Yay!\n4:00 pm – I email my Chinese food order to Katrina. This is gonna be terrific. I get to enjoy the food of H***y Jerks without the terribleness that comes with actually eating there.\n7:24 pm – Get back to Fort Erie and go to the mother’s for dinner. The youngling is there and he’s not happy. I spend most of the meal shoving General Tao’s into my face as fast as possible with one hand and preventing the youngling from face planting onto the chipped linoleum with the other. Happy Birthday to me!\n8:00 pm – I’m still eating. It’s tasty. Youngling is still freaking out. Not tasty.\n9:41 pm – Time for youngling to go to bed and he’s not going without a fight. Leave him to cry himself to sleep, much the way Kat does with me each night.\n10:14 pm – Enter the youngling’s room to confirm he’s sleeping. He’s not. Give him some milk and hugs and he’s soon heading for sleepyland.\n10:30 pm – Dodger the dog is getting worse, not better, so Kat takes him to the clinic. I waddle upstairs to turn the white toilet bowl into something far less white and much more stinky.\n11:01 pm – Head to bed. Was gonna watch some porn on the TV, but can’t find any. I shut it all down, assist Sunny the dog onto the bed and close my eyes.\nYear 34, Day 1… not such a good one.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/how-i-spent-my-yesterday-my-birthday/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e12:49 am – Drag my fat ass up to bed after watching \u003cem\u003eFamily Guy “It’s a Trap” SW Episode III\u003c/em\u003e parody and \u003cem\u003eRobot Chicken’s SW Episode III\u003c/em\u003e parody. Dodger the dog has some ailments currently, so I carry him down the stairs, let him outside for a pee, then carry him back up the stairs. I go to bed.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e12:55 am – I’m starting to doze off and the wife rocks the bed to get me to stop snoring. I’m pretty sure I didn’t actually emit a snore, only a slightly noisy breath, so I elbow the wife, sigh, and turn over.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"How I spent my yesterday (my birthday)"},{"content":"I went to Country Time to buy 3 dozen donuts the other day. Yes, 3 dozen. No, not all for me. Walked in to a location on my way in to work. Only a couple of customers sitting down and I approached the counter to survey the donut situation. A quick glance told me that the pickin\u0026rsquo;s were slim so figured I\u0026rsquo;d have to reduce my order. I had roughly counted that there were 13-14 donuts available when a female Asian employee came out from a back room.\n\u0026ldquo;Can I help you?\u0026rdquo; she asked.\n\u0026ldquo;Well, I was gonna get a dozen donuts,\u0026rdquo; I said with a level of arrogance and entitlement that vastly exceeded that of the average donut store patron.\n\u0026ldquo;Oh, no, I can\u0026rsquo;t sell you, I can\u0026rsquo;t sell you,\u0026rdquo; she said while making a no, please God, no gesture with her hands that\u0026rsquo;s usually reserved for someone looking down the barrel of a gun and trying to convince the shooter to stop.\n\u0026ldquo;Oh, yeah,\u0026rdquo; I returned, figuring she was suggesting there weren\u0026rsquo;t enough to make a dozen. I quickly started to recount them as I figured that if there were any good reason for a white person to question an Asian over simple math, then a tasty donut purchase was it.\n\u0026ldquo;Actually, there does appear to be at least a dozen there.\u0026rdquo;\nShe again waved me off like a third base coach strongly suggesting I put on the brakes.\n\u0026ldquo;Oh, no, no, I can\u0026rsquo;t sell them to you,\u0026rdquo; she said in a very final kinda way.\n\u0026ldquo;Okay,\u0026rdquo; I conceded. I feigned interest in their sandwich selection and walked my pompous ass the hell outta there.\nAnalyzing the situation, I first thought that she didn\u0026rsquo;t want to sell them to me because they were getting kinda old and she didn\u0026rsquo;t think a fat guy with this many chins would appreciate sub-par donuts. Then I came to the more likely conclusion that she didn\u0026rsquo;t want to blow her wad of donut inventory in one shot. Guess she figured there were other customers coming in at some point and she didn\u0026rsquo;t want to have none to offer.\nI\u0026rsquo;m not sure how I feel about this, but in retrospect I wish I\u0026rsquo;d walked in 13 times and asked for a single donut each time and then I\u0026rsquo;d have my dozen. But wouldn\u0026rsquo;t I have 1 more than a dozen, you\u0026rsquo;re saying? No, because #13 would have been stuffed into the tailpipe of her rusting \u0026lsquo;93 Honda Civic so that conceited donut whore would have to call her unemployed husband to come pick her up in his slightly less rusty \u0026lsquo;93 Honda Civic.\nI\u0026rsquo;m a terrible human being who deserves no less than a punch in the stomach and a brick to the back fat.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/walking-out/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI went to Country Time to buy 3 dozen donuts the other day. Yes, 3 dozen. No, not all for me. Walked in to a location on my way in to work. Only a couple of customers sitting down and I approached the counter to survey the donut situation. A quick glance told me that the pickin\u0026rsquo;s were slim so figured I\u0026rsquo;d have to reduce my order. I had roughly counted that there were 13-14 donuts available when a female Asian employee came out from a back room.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Walking out"},{"content":"Dave and Crystal Pester, this one\u0026rsquo;s for you.\nWhen I saw you today, yes, I called your son Cooper. Actually, it\u0026rsquo;s even worse as I shortened it to Coop, and said it as though we were close enough to do so. I know now, after speaking to my wife, that your son\u0026rsquo;s name is, in fact, Conner (Connar? Conor? Connerrr?). I\u0026rsquo;m sure that adding 3) Doesn\u0026rsquo;t know our son\u0026rsquo;s name down just below 1) Fat and 2) Not funny on your \u0026lsquo;Reasons to Hate Dave\u0026rsquo; list that you\u0026rsquo;ve probably completely written me off as a viable friend. I deserve it.\nAgain, I am sorry.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/cooper/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eDave and Crystal Pester, this one\u0026rsquo;s for you.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhen I saw you today, yes, I called your son Cooper. Actually, it\u0026rsquo;s even worse as I shortened it to Coop, and said it as though we were close enough to do so. I know now, after speaking to my wife, that your son\u0026rsquo;s name is, in fact, Conner (Connar? Conor? Connerrr?). I\u0026rsquo;m sure that adding 3) Doesn\u0026rsquo;t know our son\u0026rsquo;s name down just below 1) Fat and 2) Not funny on your \u0026lsquo;Reasons to Hate Dave\u0026rsquo; list that you\u0026rsquo;ve probably completely written me off as a viable friend. I deserve it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Cooper"},{"content":"My son now randomly wakes up at 4:30 am. He wants milk and I give it to him. Then he sometimes doesn\u0026rsquo;t go back to sleep. That\u0026rsquo;s fun. Today was one of those fun days. I\u0026rsquo;ve been up for over 18 hours. That\u0026rsquo;s not fair. I need a donut.\nHumourously enough, 4:30 am is the time this jackhole and his jackhole friend Jeff used to roll back into Fort Erie on cool Summer mornings as evidenced by this photo from 2004.\nThat\u0026rsquo;s the same look I had on my fat face at 4:45 am this morning as I was yanking my fat ass up the stairs and questioning whether I should keep walking out the second floor window or go back and snuggle up in my bed sheets that anymore either smell like mine or the dogs\u0026rsquo; ass. Thankfully those two odours are similar enough that I can usually convince myself to blame the dogs.\nWent to work and stopped along the way at my usual Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s. Blew their minds by ordering a medium iced cappuccino. \u0026ldquo;Iced cappuccino,\u0026rdquo; the girl taking my order thought. \u0026ldquo;How fat is this mother fucker?\u0026rdquo; When I pulled up to the window 25 seconds later, I showed her just how fat I am and just how many hair pimples I have. She said, \u0026ldquo;Nice hair pimples, tubby,\u0026rdquo; and I just replied with some gentle sobbing and a zero cent tip.\nLunch was out at a restaurant on someone else\u0026rsquo;s dime. Food tastes better that way. Food also tastes better if you eat it real fast and not because you\u0026rsquo;re actually hungry but solely because you have emotional baggage that you don\u0026rsquo;t care to deal with in an appropriate manner.\nGot back to my desk and accidentally got some real work accomplished. It wasn\u0026rsquo;t enough to be of any value to anyone, but just enough to justify driving 300 kilometres round trip to tap away on a fucking keyboard and pump 30-some-odd turds into my 12-year-old office chair.\nGot home. Took out the garbage. Walked the dogs. Drank some water. Being a fatass makes a guy thirsty. Which reminds me, I saw a sign advertising MacDonald\u0026rsquo;s new eggnog shake. Great. Now I\u0026rsquo;ll be tossing and turning all night thinking about that. Shit.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/fucking-with-me/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eMy son now randomly wakes up at 4:30 am. He wants milk and I give it to him. Then he sometimes doesn\u0026rsquo;t go back to sleep. That\u0026rsquo;s fun. Today was one of those fun days. I\u0026rsquo;ve been up for over 18 hours. That\u0026rsquo;s not fair. I need a donut.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHumourously enough, 4:30 am is the time this jackhole and his jackhole friend Jeff used to roll back into Fort Erie on cool Summer mornings as evidenced by this photo from 2004.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Fucking with me"},{"content":"I woke up this morning and heard my capable wife taking sufficient care of a turbulent toddler morning. I snoozed. For 35 minutes. It was terrific. I\u0026rsquo;m a wonderful man.\nHeaded for the shower, still in a sleepy daze because fat people with questionable lung function don\u0026rsquo;t sleep well. Washed my hair, scrubbed the rest of my flabby caucasian acreage, washed my face, then stopped. I looked at the tiled wall, cocked my head and looked at the shelf containing my shower fluids and back at the tile. I couldn\u0026rsquo;t for the life of me remember if I\u0026rsquo;d already washed myself. I mean, it\u0026rsquo;s a disgusting task that you\u0026rsquo;d think would scar a man\u0026rsquo;s mind enough to make an impression, but I wasn\u0026rsquo;t sure. I sniffed my arm, but couldn\u0026rsquo;t detect a scent of Ivory Aloe body wash. There may\u0026rsquo;ve been a faint turkey gravy odour, but I\u0026rsquo;ve scrubbed for years and it ain\u0026rsquo;t coming off. Will these hands ne\u0026rsquo;er be clean?! (That\u0026rsquo;s a line from MacBeth, you uneducated muggles). I proceeded to examine the body wash scrungie and saw sudsy remnants. Ah ha. Conclusive. I already washed! Dirty deed done, I got the hell outta there. Even I can\u0026rsquo;t stand the sight of myself.\nGot some tires put on the car. Went to drop off a benefit cheque for the dentist. \u0026ldquo;Ooh, money!,\u0026rdquo; the receptionist actually said. Good. Good for you. Hope you\u0026rsquo;re happy at your lot in life doing bitch work for the one person in this overdecorated office that has a post-secondary education. She hates you, you know.\nCame home, did some garage grunt work, put on my zoot suit and got in the car to drive away. Backing out of the driveway my eyes caught sight of something in the back seat. \u0026ldquo;What the hell did Katrina leave in here now?,\u0026rdquo; my mind had the time ponder, immediately placing blame on the innocent. Turns out the good folks at American Wheel thought I wanted my old tires. Guess they figured I was gonna dress \u0026rsquo;em up in frilly lingerie and fuck \u0026rsquo;em or chop them up and add them to a tasty salad. I have plans for neither, but having given it some thought I may decide to fuck them. Before I do, let\u0026rsquo;s see if some gutless yellow bellied turd on Kijiji wants \u0026rsquo;em.\nWent to work, stopping for a mandatory bagel in Jordan. The 2005-2010 gross national product of Jordan must\u0026rsquo;ve been heavily influenced by my bagel consumption. On the other end of the economic spectrum, the girl at the window only this week accrued enough tips from me to afford to purchase a small pack of Juicy Fruit. I hope she chokes on it.\nFairly full day of work. I entertained. I fixed. I humoured. I left for home at about 10 pm. Got home and walked the dogs, then back home for a piss where I discovered a pimple near my dick. Rushed outside to show the 4 nearly bald tires now stacked amongst the mouse shit in my garage. The tires said, \u0026ldquo;We were thinking about blowing you but there\u0026rsquo;s no way it\u0026rsquo;s happening now.\u0026rdquo; Not unexpected, but still upsetting.\nG\u0026rsquo;night y\u0026rsquo;all apostrophe lov\u0026rsquo;rs!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/iron-worker/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI woke up this morning and heard my capable wife taking sufficient care of a turbulent toddler morning. I snoozed. For 35 minutes. It was terrific. I\u0026rsquo;m a wonderful man.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHeaded for the shower, still in a sleepy daze because fat people with questionable lung function don\u0026rsquo;t sleep well. Washed my hair, scrubbed the rest of my flabby caucasian acreage, washed my face, then stopped. I looked at the tiled wall, cocked my head and looked at the shelf containing my shower fluids and back at the tile. I couldn\u0026rsquo;t for the life of me remember if I\u0026rsquo;d already washed myself. I mean, it\u0026rsquo;s a disgusting task that you\u0026rsquo;d think would scar a man\u0026rsquo;s mind enough to make an impression, but I wasn\u0026rsquo;t sure. I sniffed my arm, but couldn\u0026rsquo;t detect a scent of Ivory Aloe body wash. There may\u0026rsquo;ve been a faint turkey gravy odour, but I\u0026rsquo;ve scrubbed for years and it ain\u0026rsquo;t coming off. \u003cem\u003eWill these hands ne\u0026rsquo;er be clean?!\u003c/em\u003e (That\u0026rsquo;s a line from MacBeth, you uneducated muggles). I proceeded to examine the body wash scrungie and saw sudsy remnants. Ah ha. Conclusive. I already washed! Dirty deed done, I got the hell outta there. Even I can\u0026rsquo;t stand the sight of myself.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Iron worker"},{"content":"\nI was thinking recently about that movie that came out a few years back called \u0026ldquo;Teeth.\u0026rdquo; That\u0026rsquo;s the poster for it there to the right. Haven\u0026rsquo;t seen the movie, but I know it\u0026rsquo;s about a girl who has teeth in her bagina (vagina). Guess it helps her out of a rape or two.\nIn a related story, Dan Zammit\u0026rsquo;s asshole has eyelashes. They serve no actual function and certainly the 38 rapes he\u0026rsquo;s been subject to would indicate that. I heard he uses Define-A-Lash® Washable Lengthening Mascara by Maybelline. People often wonder if maybe he was born with it or maybe it\u0026rsquo;s Maybelline. Yeah, well, the asslashes\u0026hellip; he was born with \u0026rsquo;em.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/tooth/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/teeth01.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI was thinking recently about that movie that came out a few years back called \u0026ldquo;Teeth.\u0026rdquo; That\u0026rsquo;s the poster for it there to the right. Haven\u0026rsquo;t seen the movie, but I know it\u0026rsquo;s about a girl who has teeth in her bagina (vagina). Guess it helps her out of a rape or two.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIn a related story, Dan Zammit\u0026rsquo;s asshole has eyelashes. They serve no actual function and certainly the 38 rapes he\u0026rsquo;s been subject to would indicate that. I heard he uses Define-A-Lash® Washable Lengthening Mascara by Maybelline. People often wonder if maybe he was born with it or maybe it\u0026rsquo;s Maybelline. Yeah, well, the asslashes\u0026hellip; he was born with \u0026rsquo;em.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Tooth"},{"content":"Dear Facebook friends,\nHi. Long time no see. Know why? Because I don\u0026rsquo;t care about you enough to call or keep in touch. How much do I care about you? Enough to type your last name into a Facebook search while using my wife\u0026rsquo;s netbook on the shitter.\nOh, you wanna \u0026ldquo;friend\u0026rdquo; me? Great. Are we friends, because I think back in grade school you stole my Hulk Hogan stretch action figure or rubbed your sticky popsicle fingers all over my Mom\u0026rsquo;s sectional sofa. You think I forget that shit? Nope. I don\u0026rsquo;t. I remember that shit. I remember it a lot.\nI see you\u0026rsquo;ve posted some recent pictures of yourself. Oooooh, you must be dieting because you look terrific! By terrific I mean Aids ridden and by dieting I mean starving yourself. That\u0026rsquo;s a good look for ya. I\u0026rsquo;m sure that\u0026rsquo;ll last. Have fun getting fat again next year.\nReading over your profile I see that your likes are jogging, mountain biking, porking everyone you were too shy to pork in high school and people who don\u0026rsquo;t use their turn signals. Dislikes: Fat people. But not so long ago you were fat. I mean real fat. Like the kind of fat where you can\u0026rsquo;t reach all your body parts and those parts stink and rot and eventually have to be cut off. Little soon to become a hater, dontcha think?\nYour status updates suggest your significant other really loves you. I mean, loves you in a Facebook kinda way and probably can\u0026rsquo;t stand you in real life. Like, in reality when you\u0026rsquo;re using the bathroom to sit down and poop, your loved one walks right in, sits down and starts taking a shit between your legs. That\u0026rsquo;s how much they value your existence. Think about it.\nI\u0026rsquo;ll be back some day when I\u0026rsquo;m no longer soothed by the voices in my head and no longer amused by tearing off some ass pimples while chugging a frosty mug of Dr. Pepper. I must warn you that it could be a while. In the mean time, enjoy your time spent forcing my Hogan doll to watch you whack off with your newly wiry frame.\nLove,\nDave.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/bookface/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eDear Facebook friends,\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHi. Long time no see. Know why? Because I don\u0026rsquo;t care about you enough to call or keep in touch. How much do I care about you? Enough to type your last name into a Facebook search while using my wife\u0026rsquo;s netbook on the shitter.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOh, you wanna \u0026ldquo;friend\u0026rdquo; me? Great. Are we friends, because I think back in grade school you stole my Hulk Hogan stretch action figure or rubbed your sticky popsicle fingers all over my Mom\u0026rsquo;s sectional sofa. You think I forget that shit? Nope. I don\u0026rsquo;t. I remember that shit. I remember it a lot.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Bookface"},{"content":"The title of this post just reflects the fact that I now weigh 242 pounds. I haven\u0026rsquo;t been this out of shape ridiculously obese since 2001. My breathing is now clearly audible at all hours of the day. My neck and chins have become one bag-of-mashed-potato-looking mess. I\u0026rsquo;m so achy in body and mind that it officially hurts to dream. In unrelated news, Joe Carolan can now lift a dumpster full of 8 dead whores over his head and there\u0026rsquo;s a good chance they died from excessive orgasms received 10 minutes earlier while he was fucking them simultaneously. You win Joe. I never thought you had it in you.\nThe other day I stopped at a dollar store near work. I purchased a phone cord and luggage strap, two very important items that are often purchased together by smalltown nerds and serial rapists. As I arrived at the checkout counter, I saw that the young dude working there was of middle Eastern descent and he was busy clipping his fingernails. He knew he had a customer to tend to, but needed to finish what he was doing. After a short while, he turned and came to my side of the counter. His body stopped just in front of the cash register, but tragically his body stink continued on and slapped me right in the face. I could only think that perhaps his finger nails were the least of his concerns and maybe he should check out aisle 3 for some budget deodorant, but then I realized that I was fat and fat people\u0026rsquo;s opinions don\u0026rsquo;t matter.\nLast week we went to a hotel in the Falls with a waterpark. You go ahead and figure out which one. It really doesn\u0026rsquo;t matter. I decided to act like a man and go shirtless in the water area. Since I have no interest in picking up ladies, I\u0026rsquo;m no longer concerned about the sheer volume of gut that flows over my waistline. On the other hand, my back pimples and underarm stretchmarks were certainly on the hunt for some strange.\nI saw my fair share of fatties and fair share of hotties. Best moment involved an, oh, for legal purposes let\u0026rsquo;s say 18-year-old hottie. They have this large bucket of water that regularly dumps it\u0026rsquo;s load onto usually unsuspecting patrons. We were sitting at a table near this bucket area, but out of the reach of it\u0026rsquo;s watery grasp. The aforementioned hottie wandered over and the bucket unleashed. The whore\u0026rsquo;s bikini bottom almost fell completely off and we got a terrific glimpse of her ass. I think I was in shock and probably had my mouth hanging open. Awesome thing was that the girl was such a dummy that 5 minutes later she was back and not even holding her bottoms when the water hit her and again revealed her tanned, firm buttocks. I remained cool for the encore performance in that I\u0026rsquo;m sure I kept my mouth closed, but I believe for the next 15 minutes Kat had to hammer down my modest yet fierce boner with a rolled up newspaper.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/why-didnt-anyone-tell-me-i-was-this-fat/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThe title of this post just reflects the fact that I now weigh 242 pounds. I haven\u0026rsquo;t been this out of shape ridiculously obese since 2001. My breathing is now clearly audible at all hours of the day. My neck and chins have become one bag-of-mashed-potato-looking mess. I\u0026rsquo;m so achy in body and mind that it officially hurts to dream. In unrelated news, Joe Carolan can now lift a dumpster full of 8 dead whores over his head and there\u0026rsquo;s a good chance they died from excessive orgasms received 10 minutes earlier while he was fucking them simultaneously. You win Joe. I never thought you had it in you.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Why didn't anyone tell me I was this fat?!"},{"content":"\nLadies and gentlemen I present to you, the Nuggetoid sandwich. The history books show that between 1988 and 1991 the Zammit boys consumed 11,662 of these things. Now, the picture I took to the right is not your garden variety Nuggetoid. I didn\u0026rsquo;t have any sliced cheese so had to cut up some chunks from a cheddar brick. I also didn\u0026rsquo;t have any plain waffles, so had to use blueberry. I suppose this would be the Nuggetoid Deluxe.\nNot sure if Nug and Large actually enjoyed eating these, but I know they were encouraged to. One time I saw Large try to eat a plate of steamed broccoli and his Dad knocked it out of his hand, slapped him across the face and forced a Nuggetoid into his mouth, all the while not spilling one single drop of the pint of chocolate milk he was carrying. Most impressive.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/yum/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/PICT0755.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/PICT0755.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eLadies and gentlemen I present to you, the Nuggetoid sandwich. The history books show that between 1988 and 1991 the Zammit boys consumed 11,662 of these things. Now, the picture I took to the right is not your garden variety Nuggetoid. I didn\u0026rsquo;t have any sliced cheese so had to cut up some chunks from a cheddar brick. I also didn\u0026rsquo;t have any plain waffles, so had to use blueberry. I suppose this would be the Nuggetoid Deluxe.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Yum?"},{"content":"Rectified some whining I did in an earlier post and got some new lenses put into these fucking frames. Now 5 minutes after I walk into any building out of the sun I\u0026rsquo;ll no longer look like a gap-toothed pedophile with moderately tinted glasses, I\u0026rsquo;ll just look like a gap-toothed fatass with a freshly bloodied goatee pimple scab, strange unkempt hair and an odour that suggests that I probably haven\u0026rsquo;t washed my pants in 10 days, possibly microwaved some bacon for breakfast and certainly unloaded thirty-some-odd farts on my drive in. A marked improvement for sure.\nOn my way into Canadian Tire this morning a couple in their late forties were exiting the store and walking across my path. The woman turned to the man, showed him a piece of paper and said, \u0026ldquo;I just signed up for a credit card,\u0026rdquo; with an air of astonishment that would have befitted the statement, \u0026ldquo;I was just raped by a moody centipede.\u0026rdquo; The man had no reaction, but I suspect he just lead her quietly back to their mid-eighties pickup truck and while helping her into the passenger door he \u0026ldquo;accidentally\u0026rdquo; slammed her head into the door jam. On their ride to the emergency room he then explained to her that they didn\u0026rsquo;t need another credit card, but she definitely needed to be a little more careful getting into the truck.\nAs I Tweeted earlier today, I ate a Smore\u0026rsquo;s Pop Tart for breakfast, along with a pepperoni stick, 2 pieces of pizza and a Dr. Pepper. A little after Noon I had a medium-sized spicy chicken combo from Wendys. I followed that up with 6-7 handfuls of cheesy poofs at my desk. Not enough to constitute a meal, but just enough to give me a tummy ache. On the way home I detoured through Welland for some cheap gas and stopped at Taco Bell.\nThe dude working the counter at \u0026ldquo;the Bell\u0026rdquo; was perfectly suited to play a 1989 Dave Barnhardt, should such a role ever be written. He wasn\u0026rsquo;t a skinny dude and he had the same over-sized, black-rimmed glasses that I rocked back when it was Hammertime. He asked what I wanted, to which I replied, \u0026ldquo;I don\u0026rsquo;t know. I\u0026rsquo;m considering asking for one of everything,\u0026rdquo; with an air of pathetic condescension that only this guy can produce.\n\u0026ldquo;Yeah,\u0026rdquo; and he laughed, \u0026ldquo;I\u0026rsquo;ve worked here for 2 years and I\u0026rsquo;ve done that one myself,\u0026rdquo; which I have no doubt he was being honest about. I ended up ordering 2 hard and 2 soft tacos and a beverage to go. As I stood their waiting for my food, I looked around and saw that there was only one person sitting in the dining area. A woman in her late thirties. She was about the height of a washing machine and the width of a dryer. Just then she stood up and walked up to the counter and spoke to late 80\u0026rsquo;s me.\n\u0026ldquo;Sorry, but I\u0026rsquo;m gonna have to order another side of guacamole.\u0026rdquo;\nI love that she was sorry and I love that she needed the guacamole. This statement would have been appropriate had she been dining with her 4-year-old daughter and the daughter knocked her guacamole onto the ground. Then I would accept that she needed the guacamole, lest her daughter start crying and lose her shit, but this wasn\u0026rsquo;t the case. This was just a good old fashioned fatty with nothing to do on a Friday night. Anyway, the lady paid the 80 cents and took the guacamole back to her chair where I assume she slammed it back like a shot of tequila. My food arrived and I rushed out to the car where I had the 4th taco consumed before the starter in my car stopped spinning.\nLest I overlook it, happy what the fuck are you thinking you waffle with cheese eating moron engagement Aaron Zammit! Hope you are still able to get a blowjob have many happy years together!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/my-glasses/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eRectified some whining I did in an earlier post and got some new lenses put into these fucking frames. Now 5 minutes after I walk into any building out of the sun I\u0026rsquo;ll no longer look like a gap-toothed pedophile with moderately tinted glasses, I\u0026rsquo;ll just look like a gap-toothed fatass with a freshly bloodied goatee pimple scab, strange unkempt hair and an odour that suggests that I probably haven\u0026rsquo;t washed my pants in 10 days, possibly microwaved some bacon for breakfast and certainly unloaded thirty-some-odd farts on my drive in. A marked improvement for sure.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"My GLASSES!"},{"content":"\nHeard this afternoon that Joe\u0026rsquo;s dog Sonja passed away. Pic above is of a 2003 Sonja, trying to wrap her head around the strange costumes at Joe\u0026rsquo;s Halloween party. Here she was during my trip down to Florida in 2008:\nHard to guess how Joe\u0026rsquo;s feeling right now. Gotta figure he\u0026rsquo;s pretty upset. Not a \u0026ldquo;me level\u0026rdquo; of upset, mind you. I don\u0026rsquo;t handle death well. If it were me I\u0026rsquo;d be curled up in the back of my garage, drowning in a sea of tears (the drowning part isn\u0026rsquo;t that difficult as I think one time I almost drowned while pouring vinegar onto my fries). A \u0026ldquo;Joe level\u0026rdquo; of upset could be sitting naked in front of the TV in a dimly lit room watching re-runs of Punky Brewster and repeatedly flicking the tip of his flaccid dick. I dunno.\nIn all seriousness, I\u0026rsquo;m very sorry to hear about this. My memories of Sonja are limited. I recall lending Joe and Beth our large metal crate when they first got her. Apparently when they left her alone she\u0026rsquo;d chew the couch to pieces and smash her head through the glass of their front door like that old lady at the end of The Happening. The crate didn\u0026rsquo;t help. She was smart enough to defeat the latch and get out at will. Very impressive. One time I couldn\u0026rsquo;t undo the zipper on my pants for like 45 minutes.\nAnyway, I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure she had a good life. She got to experience the lows of living in the skug hollows of Fort Erie and the highs of living in a Utopian Florida. Rest in peace, you fluffy, window smashing death dealer.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/shit/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/IMG_3703.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHeard this afternoon that Joe\u0026rsquo;s dog Sonja passed away. Pic above is of a 2003 Sonja, trying to wrap her head around the strange costumes at Joe\u0026rsquo;s Halloween party. Here she was during my trip down to Florida in 2008:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/IMG_0610.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHard to guess how Joe\u0026rsquo;s feeling right now. Gotta figure he\u0026rsquo;s pretty upset. Not a \u0026ldquo;me level\u0026rdquo; of upset, mind you. I don\u0026rsquo;t handle death well. If it were me I\u0026rsquo;d be curled up in the back of my garage, drowning in a sea of tears (the drowning part isn\u0026rsquo;t that difficult as I think one time I almost drowned while pouring vinegar onto my fries). A \u0026ldquo;Joe level\u0026rdquo; of upset could be sitting naked in front of the TV in a dimly lit room watching re-runs of Punky Brewster and repeatedly flicking the tip of his flaccid dick. I dunno.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Shit"},{"content":"Basically slept this week away. Oh, I went to work, but I was a cunt hair away from nodding off the entire time. Please don\u0026rsquo;t tell anyone.\nHighlights of this week included eating enough Halloween candy to fill up 38 NBA basketballs, pulling what appeared to be the pube of a Middle Easterner out of my keyboard (I am not a Middle Easterner) and eating a delicious halibut burrito. That followup burrito happened yesterday when generous co-workers made a \u0026lsquo;rito run. It was so good that it erased the terrible memory of the cilantro burrito from the last post. I swear, I hate cilantro so much that if I ran into it on the street I\u0026rsquo;d push it down and rape it. Rape it with my misshapen and oddly proportioned wang which, ironically enough, kinda smells like cilantro.\nSince things are sort of slow right now around the FortErieDAVE! offices, here\u0026rsquo;s a selection of photos from Paula \u0026amp; Pat\u0026rsquo;s wedding from back in July. Highlights are the following two pictures because each is about three quarters of an inch away from showing nipple. God bless you nipples and we hope to see you guys real soon.\n[mla_gallery]\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/wally/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eBasically slept this week away. Oh, I went to work, but I was a cunt hair away from nodding off the entire time. Please don\u0026rsquo;t tell anyone.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHighlights of this week included eating enough Halloween candy to fill up 38 NBA basketballs, pulling what appeared to be the pube of a Middle Easterner out of my keyboard (I am not a Middle Easterner) and eating a delicious halibut burrito. That followup burrito happened yesterday when generous co-workers made a \u0026lsquo;rito run. It was so good that it erased the terrible memory of the cilantro burrito from the last post. I swear, I hate cilantro so much that if I ran into it on the street I\u0026rsquo;d push it down and rape it. Rape it with my misshapen and oddly proportioned wang which, ironically enough, kinda smells like cilantro.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Wally"},{"content":"Was running late heading into work today, so figured why be 3 hours late when I can be 4? So I stopped at Canadian Tire where I saw a ritzy dude feeling up tires, two black gentleman hanging out with a white gentleman and an old dude giving me the skunk eye in the tool area. Good times.\nFrom there I headed on up to Mississauga and stopped at a burrito place for lunch. Hadn\u0026rsquo;t been there before. Upon walking in I was greeted with a long line up and some kickin\u0026rsquo; bass from dance music pumping into the restaurant \u0026ndash; both good signs. I ordered my burrito (large, chicken, to go) and picked up a canned bevvy to go with. I figured I had some time to kill before I\u0026rsquo;d be asked to customize my burrito, so I headed to the washroom.\nWhile peeing, I caught something out of the corner of my eye moving across the floor. Looked down and it was just a piece of lint. The lint was shaped like a small scorpion and I thought how neat it would be if they stocked the shitter with scorpions to give the place an authentic Mexican feel. I went on to think how I\u0026rsquo;d probably chase the scorpion around the room with a stream of tepid Barnhardt pee and eventually kick it into the wall and then stomp it. In reality, we all know I would\u0026rsquo;ve just passed out from fear and the thing would have repeatedly stung me in the genitals.\nWent back out and a few minutes later they called my number.\n\u0026ldquo;Do you want everything on it?\u0026rdquo; the hot blonde latino girl asked. She was about 5'5\u0026quot;, maybe 110 pounds. She had tits comparable in size to mine, but she managed to present them in a slightly more sexy fashion. Her\u0026rsquo;s peaked out from the plunging neckline of a skin-tight white T and mine pointed awkwardly from beneath a dark grey 10 dollar golf shirt that had never seen a minute\u0026rsquo;s play of golf but had barely escaped several driplets of spaghetti sauce.\n\u0026ldquo;Uh, yeah. Everything except jalapeno peppers,\u0026rdquo; I said, basically admitting I liked guys.\n\u0026ldquo;Even hot sauce?\u0026rdquo; she said.\n\u0026ldquo;Is it real hot?\u0026rdquo; I said.\n\u0026ldquo;Oh yeah,\u0026rdquo; said a plain old white girl from behind her.\n\u0026ldquo;Then I\u0026rsquo;ll pass.\u0026rdquo;\n\u0026ldquo;Good call,\u0026rdquo; Suzie the plain whitey said.\nSo the latino with the hamster tits made my burrito as everyone else stared down her top, but I tried not to. She handed it off to a dude who grilled it a bit and then I was given it about 10 minutes later. I drove off to enjoy the burrito and beverage at Woodbine.\nIt\u0026rsquo;s all downhill from there. The burrito had cilantro on it, which basically ruined it. The beverage was lousy. I\u0026rsquo;d chosen some kind of imported mango nectar, which tasted only slightly better than Ryan Spoar\u0026rsquo;s bathwater. And yes, I have tasted Ryan Spoar\u0026rsquo;s bathwater, both on his good days and his bad. So next time I\u0026rsquo;ll order the burrito with some modifications. I\u0026rsquo;ll order a Dr. Pepper instead of the mango swill. I\u0026rsquo;ll tell the girl I no longer suck cock and would like a generous helping of hot sauce. I\u0026rsquo;m sure that will win her over. And if it doesn\u0026rsquo;t, we can always compare stories about our tiny tits.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/fuck-you-cilantro/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWas running late heading into work today, so figured why be 3 hours late when I can be 4? So I stopped at Canadian Tire where I saw a ritzy dude feeling up tires, two black gentleman hanging out with a white gentleman and an old dude giving me the skunk eye in the tool area. Good times.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFrom there I headed on up to Mississauga and stopped at a burrito place for lunch. Hadn\u0026rsquo;t been there before. Upon walking in I was greeted with a long line up and some kickin\u0026rsquo; bass from dance music pumping into the restaurant \u0026ndash; both good signs. I ordered my burrito (large, chicken, to go) and picked up a canned bevvy to go with. I figured I had some time to kill before I\u0026rsquo;d be asked to customize my burrito, so I headed to the washroom.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Fuck you, cilantro"},{"content":"Cleaning up some old files I discovered that several videos are missing from the online GMA 2004 video collection. Perhaps they were left out for a reason, either legal or ethical, but I can\u0026rsquo;t remember and it\u0026rsquo;s really too late to stop me. In the interest of having a full and accurate record of all the stuff \u0026ldquo;the circle\u0026rdquo; has done, I present them here now\u0026hellip;\n\u0026ldquo;Gone Too Far\u0026rdquo;\n\u0026ldquo;Hot Dog Screams\u0026rdquo;\n\u0026ldquo;Nugget New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve 2002\u0026rdquo;\n\u0026ldquo;Pat and Paula Get Busy\u0026rdquo;\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/6-years-of-separation/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eCleaning up some old files I discovered that several videos are missing from the online GMA 2004 video collection. Perhaps they were left out for a reason, either legal or ethical, but I can\u0026rsquo;t remember and it\u0026rsquo;s really too late to stop me. In the interest of having a full and accurate record of all the stuff \u0026ldquo;the circle\u0026rdquo; has done, I present them here now\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u0026ldquo;Gone Too Far\u0026rdquo;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u0026ldquo;Hot Dog Screams\u0026rdquo;\u003c/p\u003e","title":"6 years of separation"},{"content":"Got these eyeglasses about 5 years ago and they fucked them up by adding that Transitions shit. You know, the feature where the lenses tint automatically when you go outside and untint when you come in? TV commercials show it taking seconds but the reality is that I can walk across the Woodbine parking lot, get up to the 4th floor and be in the washroom wiping the cream cheese off my shirt collar and they\u0026rsquo;re still about 8% tinted.\nAs I said, that was 5 years ago. I\u0026rsquo;ve hated these glasses from day one. Five years. If this doesn\u0026rsquo;t scream UNMOTIVATED, I don\u0026rsquo;t know what does. Anyway, I stopped into an eyeglass place this morning to finally do something about it.\nThe place was empty. \u0026lsquo;How ya doing?\u0026rsquo; I said to the lady who was pretending to be busy behind the counter. \u0026lsquo;I want to find out about getting some new glasses or maybe just getting new lenses for these frames.\u0026rsquo;\nThe lady explained that their usual price for lenses was $160 but they have a sale on and they\u0026rsquo;re only $120 right now. I asked her how much longer they\u0026rsquo;d be on sale and this caused her to stare off into the distance, curl her lips and think real hard. I could almost hear the hamster wheel squeaking in her head, her mind trying to decide between telling me that the sale ended today and telling me the truth.\n\u0026lsquo;Rough idea?\u0026rsquo; I spit out to suggest that I was 100% cool with whatever lie she was about to deliver, but that I really didn\u0026rsquo;t have all morning to stand there and watch her battle her conscience. She eventually said that the sale was supposed to end this weekend but she had heard that it was being extended. Guess her conscience\u0026rsquo;s been eating it\u0026rsquo;s Wheaties.\nI ummed out loud as I wondered what I should do and she stressed how it was 40 dollars I\u0026rsquo;d be saving and then again said, \u0026lsquo;Hey, 40 dollars is 40 dollars,\u0026rsquo; as if to hammer that point home and really seal the deal. I guess she thought I looked like a guy who could really use 40 dollars. If she had any sense of humour (and she really didn\u0026rsquo;t) she would have looked both ways, leaned in close and said, \u0026lsquo;That\u0026rsquo;s like 8 Big Mac\u0026rsquo;s, you fat fuck.\u0026rsquo; Some day eyeglass ladies will be real funny like that, but that day was not today.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/damage-done/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eGot these eyeglasses about 5 years ago and they fucked them up by adding that Transitions shit. You know, the feature where the lenses tint automatically when you go outside and untint when you come in? TV commercials show it taking seconds but the reality is that I can walk across the Woodbine parking lot, get up to the 4th floor and be in the washroom wiping the cream cheese off my shirt collar and they\u0026rsquo;re still about 8% tinted.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Damage done"},{"content":"Pet Smart seems to be having trouble with their stock of Eukanuba dog food. I needed lamb \u0026amp; rice wet dog food and I needed it real bad. St. Catharines store let me down. Would that ruin an otherwise spectacular Monday? Well, pretty much, yes.\nWalked into the St. Catharines pet store and was greeted by an attractive early 20\u0026rsquo;s girl\u0026rsquo;s, \u0026lsquo;Hello,\u0026rsquo; which I was in absolutely no mood for. Grunted something in return and headed on past. Got to the isle of Eukanuba and saw yellow signs posted everywhere. I started to read one, \u0026lsquo;We are experiencing shortages of some of your favourite Eukanuba dog foods\u0026hellip;\u0026rsquo; and then I lost interest. Continued on my way feeling almost 100% certain that the sign\u0026rsquo;s message would not have any bearing on my need to purchase some of my favourite Eukanuba dog food.\nI got to where there\u0026rsquo;s always an abundance of dog food, but for some reason there was a shortage. Figured I\u0026rsquo;d track down an employee and ask them why this might be. The first dude I came upon was fighting his way through what can only be described as a heap of slippery packages of Temptations cat treats. He made the mistake of noticing I was lumbering nearby and looked up. \u0026lsquo;Can I ask you a quick question?\u0026rsquo; I said. \u0026lsquo;I\u0026rsquo;m looking for some Eukanuba wet food and there\u0026rsquo;s not many on the shelf. Any chance you\u0026rsquo;d have any more?\u0026rsquo; As I anxiously awaited his reply, I began to count the number of bulbous silver earrings hanging from his right ear. Once I got to two, I stopped and at that point wrote him off as being a decent person.\n\u0026lsquo;Um, you know what, we probably are running out of it. Did you see the sign?\u0026rsquo;\n\u0026lsquo;Oh, that applies to wet food too?\u0026rsquo; I said, for some reason.\n\u0026lsquo;Yeah. If we had more, it would be on the shelf. Sorry\u0026rsquo;\nI said thanks, turned and left. His response was succinct and appropriate, level-headed and fair. Walking out of the store, I could only appreciate that I had NO earrings and yet I was left feeling like the lesser man in this situation. It was time to seriously rethink my life\u0026hellip;\n\u0026hellip; and pick up a cherry cruller from 7-11. I purchased a large coffee and stopped on the way to the checkout for a cherry cruller. The sign said 99 cents with coffee purchase, so I looked down at my ever-expanding muffin top of a gunt and figured we couldn\u0026rsquo;t pass up this deal.\nGot to the counter and I\u0026rsquo;m fairly certain the Asian cashier did, in fact, not ring it up at 99 cents. I stared at the cash register saying $1.39, then at the cruller, then back at the cash register and for some reason just couldn\u0026rsquo;t work up the energy to say anything. Energy I was lacking due to my having not yet consumed said cruller. So I let it go.\nOn the way out to the car, I noticed a lady putting change into an air pump for her car tires. When she\u0026rsquo;d finished inserting the coins, the machine did nothing. She pushed a button on the side (which I believe may\u0026rsquo;ve just been a metal protuberance and not a button at all) which did nothing. I heard her mumble to herself \u0026lsquo;That doesn\u0026rsquo;t work\u0026rsquo; as I closed my door and sat my cruller ever so gently on the passenger seat. I looked forward at the air machine and saw that the cost of the air was $1. At that point I realized that she\u0026rsquo;d just been ripped off for a dollar whereas I\u0026rsquo;d only been ripped off for 40 cents. I\u0026rsquo;ve never felt so good in my entire life.\nOn the way home from work I stopped for some Royal Crown \u0026ndash; the best cola this planet has to offer. It would seem that Avonmart no longer sells it, which made me just a little more sad than I already was. I continued on to . I walked in and the cashier was focused on a movie playing a little too loudly on a small TV set. I walked to the cooler section and couldn\u0026rsquo;t find RC there either. I settled for some \u0026ldquo;Cott Cola,\u0026rdquo; which I thought perhaps was the same thing. On the way back, I got some Dorito\u0026rsquo;s because I like Dorito\u0026rsquo;s and I have an eating problem. The dude was so oblivious I really could\u0026rsquo;ve just walked out to my car, but I\u0026rsquo;m a terrific human being. I put the cola and chips on the counter and he reluctantly tore himself away from the Vietnamese snuff film that had him enthralled.\nHe rang in the items, which came to $5.89. I handed him a 10 and told him I had some change. As I was reaching into my pocket he pulled out a plastic bag and was about to bag my goods. \u0026lsquo;Oh, that\u0026rsquo;s okay, I don\u0026rsquo;t need a bag.\u0026rsquo; From what happened next, he evidently thought I said, \u0026lsquo;Turns out I don\u0026rsquo;t have any change and I don\u0026rsquo;t need a bag, but please do give me a handful of fucking coins so I have some fucking change jingling around in my fucking pocket, you stupid !\u0026rsquo;\nSo I left with more change than I\u0026rsquo;d gone in with, got home with some Dorito\u0026rsquo;s I shouldn\u0026rsquo;t have picked up and am just now finishing up what has to be the longest post of the most trivial day in any fat man\u0026rsquo;s life. You\u0026rsquo;re welcome and I\u0026rsquo;ll see you all in Hell.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/royal-crown/","summary":"\u003cp\u003ePet Smart seems to be having trouble with their stock of Eukanuba dog food. I needed lamb \u0026amp; rice wet dog food and I needed it real bad. St. Catharines store let me down. Would that ruin an otherwise spectacular Monday? Well, pretty much, yes.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWalked into the St. Catharines pet store and was greeted by an attractive early 20\u0026rsquo;s girl\u0026rsquo;s, \u0026lsquo;Hello,\u0026rsquo; which I was in absolutely no mood for. Grunted something in return and headed on past. Got to the isle of Eukanuba and saw yellow signs posted everywhere. I started to read one, \u0026lsquo;We are experiencing shortages of some of your favourite Eukanuba dog foods\u0026hellip;\u0026rsquo; and then I lost interest. Continued on my way feeling almost 100% certain that the sign\u0026rsquo;s message would not have any bearing on my need to purchase some of my favourite Eukanuba dog food.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Royal Crown"},{"content":"Woke up 38 times last night to pee in the dark. Thought at one point that I may\u0026rsquo;ve overflowed the friggin\u0026rsquo; toilet as we employ the Girdlestonian method of not flushing throughout the night. I know for sure that 50% of one of those pees missed the bowl entirely as the reassuring sound of splashing water cut out and only returned when I made a quick adjustment to the left. I\u0026rsquo;m on some prednisone to try to combat this hilarious 8-month cold/asthma/allergies/morbid obesity situation and evidently the fact that it\u0026rsquo;s a steroid has ramped up my hardcore pissing action. I\u0026rsquo;d also like to confirm that it\u0026rsquo;s ramped up my eating as it\u0026rsquo;s supposed to do, but I really already had the pedal to the metal on that front going into this.\nFinally got around to some housecleaning in the office today. We have a bulging file cabinet full of countless kilograms of unnecessary papers. My cleaning included shredding some old bank statements before bagging and recycling them as I\u0026rsquo;m paranoid enough to think that someone might go through my trash. Seems especially silly when all they\u0026rsquo;d find would be pages upon pages listing gas purchases and the most exciting thing they\u0026rsquo;d uncover is an unhealthy frequency to my Artemis visits in the years 1999 to 2002. But still I shred\u0026hellip;\nHad to go to Welland this evening to make a Kijiji transaction. Sitting in the Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s parking lot awaiting my \u0026ldquo;buyer,\u0026rdquo; out of the corner of my eye I saw a car coming towards my driver side kinda quickly. I flinched and looked over to see that it was a cop car speeding into the lot, turning away just as he got to me and parking in a spot to my front. His cop buddy pulled in after him and he ran over to the driver\u0026rsquo;s side of that car and giggled as his cop buddy got out. They both went into the store and looked so chummy that I thought they might share a bagel and a blowie in the bathroom. One of them would, of course, be wearing the bagel on his wang and the other would have to deep throat said wang to get to the bagel. I\u0026rsquo;m betting it still was a pretty good bagel. I like bagels.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/fries-day/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke up 38 times last night to pee in the dark. Thought at one point that I may\u0026rsquo;ve overflowed the friggin\u0026rsquo; toilet as we employ the Girdlestonian method of not flushing throughout the night. I know for sure that 50% of one of those pees missed the bowl entirely as the reassuring sound of splashing water cut out and only returned when I made a quick adjustment to the left. I\u0026rsquo;m on some prednisone to try to combat this hilarious 8-month cold/asthma/allergies/morbid obesity situation and evidently the fact that it\u0026rsquo;s a steroid has ramped up my hardcore pissing action. I\u0026rsquo;d also like to confirm that it\u0026rsquo;s ramped up my eating as it\u0026rsquo;s supposed to do, but I really already had the pedal to the metal on that front going into this.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Fries day"},{"content":"This one goes out to my sweet, dear friend Joe Carolan. Dear, generous friend Joe. Joe \u0026ldquo;steroids are working for me\u0026rdquo; Carolan. Good ol\u0026rsquo; Joey \u0026ldquo;tiny enough to fit in a hamster\u0026rsquo;s ass\u0026rdquo; Carolan.\nI went down to visit Joe in February 2008. You all remember the extensive photo collection from that visit. You don\u0026rsquo;t? Are you an asshole? It\u0026rsquo;s right here. Anyway, on the way back to his place from the airport we stopped off for some extremely affordable whiskey. We had some drinks, then went out to some club deal. Drank there. Goofed around. Got Taco Bell. Went back to his place. Goofed around some more, watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force well into the night.\nSo eventually Joe retired to his bedroom with Beth, I retired to the sectional sofa and I believe Pat retired to the floor.\nIt\u0026rsquo;s well documented that when this Barnhardt drinks, this Barnhardt has gotta pee. A lot. Like too much. Like so much he had the doctor violate his asshole to check his prostate to make sure things seemed right up there. It all checked out fine and quite frankly the checking was too brief for this guy\u0026rsquo;s liking.\nThe layout of Joe\u0026rsquo;s apartment (for those who may wish to break in, push past 350 pounds of children\u0026rsquo;s toys, trip over his Fort Erie Friends action figures, wade through several puddles of hair dye and rape his awkwardly tiny frame) is such that the only washroom is the ensuite off the bedroom. He was in there with Beth and I figured it best to assume he was 2 to 3 knuckles deep at all times, so I wasn\u0026rsquo;t gonna interrupt that passion with my piss. Conveniently I found that the living room also has what could be considered an \u0026ldquo;ensuite\u0026rdquo; except most would call it the kitchen and it\u0026rsquo;s \u0026ldquo;toilet\u0026rdquo; most would refer to as a sink.\nI must\u0026rsquo;ve pissed in that sink 10 times if I did it once that night. I can\u0026rsquo;t remember if there were dishes in it, but it wouldn\u0026rsquo;t have friggin\u0026rsquo; mattered. I would\u0026rsquo;ve wailed on any of Joe\u0026rsquo;s Transformers cutlery or A-Team coffee mugs had they been in my way. It was just gonna happen.\nSo that\u0026rsquo;s my confession. I feel bad, I do. Maybe that will mean an end to this friendship. Maybe I\u0026rsquo;ll never be invited down again. But I\u0026rsquo;m not so sure. I like to think it\u0026rsquo;ll be fine. I like to think he\u0026rsquo;s glad I did it. I like to think Joe was hiding himself under the sink the entire time with his lips tightly taped to the sink\u0026rsquo;s drainpipe. Sounds reasonable.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-have-a-confession/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThis one goes out to my sweet, dear friend Joe Carolan. Dear, generous friend Joe. Joe \u0026ldquo;steroids are working for me\u0026rdquo; Carolan. Good ol\u0026rsquo; Joey \u0026ldquo;tiny enough to fit in a hamster\u0026rsquo;s ass\u0026rdquo; Carolan.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI went down to visit Joe in February 2008. You all remember the extensive photo collection from that visit. You don\u0026rsquo;t? Are you an asshole? It\u0026rsquo;s right \u003ca href=\"/photos/florida-2008\"\u003ehere\u003c/a\u003e. Anyway, on the way back to his place from the airport we stopped off for some extremely affordable whiskey. We had some drinks, then went out to some club deal. Drank there. Goofed around. Got Taco Bell. Went back to his place. Goofed around some more, watching \u003ca href=\"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAKL3Og-zGc\"\u003eAqua Teen Hunger Force\u003c/a\u003e well into the night.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I have a confession"},{"content":"\nWatched the UFC event from last night. Yikes, was that horrible! I haven\u0026rsquo;t seen anything that lackluster since I dared to watch Pat\u0026rsquo;s \u0026ldquo;Blue\u0026rsquo;s Brothers\u0026rdquo; DVD\u0026hellip; Can ya tell I\u0026rsquo;m still upset about Pat\u0026rsquo;s \u0026ldquo;where\u0026rsquo;s my wedding pictures, dick head\u0026rdquo; comment? Well I am. I\u0026rsquo;m petty. I\u0026rsquo;m petty and I\u0026rsquo;m sensitive. Be careful with me. I\u0026rsquo;m sensitive and I\u0026rsquo;d like to stay that way.\nTruth be told, I haven\u0026rsquo;t watched that DVD. I put it in the computer just long enough to grab the frame that\u0026rsquo;s posted up there. For all I know it\u0026rsquo;s terrific. For all I know Pat is hugely talented. For all I know Pat turns into Jesus at one point. I\u0026rsquo;m just gonna say that he seems to be singing to people who have recently finished stuffing their faces at the cruise buffet and whenever I\u0026rsquo;m full to the brim with salty, greasy food the last thing I wanna do is move. So what I\u0026rsquo;m getting at is that I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure they wanna get away from this performance, but they can\u0026rsquo;t get away from this performance.\nAnd if it actually was Paula that made the comment, then I still love ya Pat. Peace. God bless.\nDid some cleaning up in the yard today, then took my boy for a wagon ride. On that ride I saw a man cleaning a metal railing with Windex. I thought I was the only one stupid enough to attempt to use Windex on something other than windows. I wanted to say, \u0026ldquo;It ain\u0026rsquo;t gonna work, man!\u0026rdquo; but that\u0026rsquo;s really a lesson he\u0026rsquo;s just gonna have to learn on his own. I did. Along with learning that spit doesn\u0026rsquo;t heal a bleeding cut, water does little to remove pasta sauce from a white undershirt and the most perfumed of body washes will only prevent my junk from smelling like a dead raccoon\u0026rsquo;s dick for about 3 minutes.\nGoodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/smile-avert-eyes-wow-hes-fat/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/patblowing2.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWatched the UFC event from last night. Yikes, was \u003cem\u003ethat\u003c/em\u003e horrible! I haven\u0026rsquo;t seen anything that lackluster since I dared to watch Pat\u0026rsquo;s \u0026ldquo;Blue\u0026rsquo;s Brothers\u0026rdquo; DVD\u0026hellip; Can ya tell I\u0026rsquo;m still upset about Pat\u0026rsquo;s \u0026ldquo;where\u0026rsquo;s my wedding pictures, dick head\u0026rdquo; comment? Well I am. I\u0026rsquo;m petty. I\u0026rsquo;m petty and I\u0026rsquo;m sensitive. Be careful with me. I\u0026rsquo;m sensitive and I\u0026rsquo;d like to stay that way.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTruth be told, I \u003cem\u003ehaven\u0026rsquo;t\u003c/em\u003e watched that DVD. I put it in the computer just long enough to grab the frame that\u0026rsquo;s posted up there. For all I know it\u0026rsquo;s terrific. For all I know Pat is hugely talented. For all I know Pat turns into Jesus at one point. I\u0026rsquo;m just gonna say that he seems to be singing to people who have recently finished stuffing their faces at the cruise buffet and whenever I\u0026rsquo;m full to the brim with salty, greasy food the last thing I wanna do is move. So what I\u0026rsquo;m getting at is that I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure they \u003cem\u003ewanna\u003c/em\u003e get away from this performance, but they \u003cem\u003ecan\u0026rsquo;t\u003c/em\u003e get away from this performance.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Smile, avert eyes; Wow he's fat!"},{"content":"Ya know, it\u0026rsquo;s really too bad that neither my mind nor body reacted quickly enough to use my Blackberry to take a picture of this WHORE I saw today.\nI was driving through an area of Niagara Falls that was undergoing construction and the road was torn up. I had to move slowly and at one point was coming to a stop to wait for a dump truck. As I slowed down, I looked to the right and saw a teen aged WHORE walking down the sidewalk and approaching the road about to cross. She walked in such a way that her legs did almost 180 degree rotations with each step, which struck me as odd but I couldn\u0026rsquo;t look away. I think this means Mommy fed her engine oil instead of breast milk. I can only imagine her cunny-juice-stained underoos were being punished like the front grill of a Lincoln in a car wash. Except rather than it smelling like soap and wax, it just smelled like underage, overused cunny.\nSo as I slowed down and as she began to jaywalk, we met up. She wasn\u0026rsquo;t happy that she had to pause for me to pass and she made a motion with her hands as if to say, \u0026ldquo;Lardy. Move the car.\u0026rdquo; She passed just behind me and gave me a shitty look as she made her way to the other side of the road. I continued to watch her walk and examined her further. She wore tight black jeans that had a severe taper. She wore multi-coloured high-tops minus the laces. Her hair was straightened. She possibly had braces. Her attitude and outlook for the future were bleak.\nShe walked a little while further, then crossed back over to the other side. Guess she didn\u0026rsquo;t want to walk through where the heavy machinery were working, lest they mistake her jizz-encrusted face for a rock. A few steps further and she bent over to take off a shoe (from the waist, as WHORE\u0026rsquo;s tend to do) which caused her pink thong to pop out of her jeans. Classy. She turned the shoe over and banged it a bit with the palm of her hand, which I assume removed a stone. She bent back over and returned it to her foot and that\u0026rsquo;s when I exited the construction zone. I went on my way, stopping to grab a 6 inch sub from Subway and then driving down the road to a quiet place where I consumed the sub and pounded heavily on my wiener, the thought of that loathsome WHORE still on my mind.\nAnd now, ladies and gentlemen, Weezer!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/stony-shod-whore/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eYa know, it\u0026rsquo;s really too bad that neither my mind nor body reacted quickly enough to use my Blackberry to take a picture of this WHORE I saw today.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI was driving through an area of Niagara Falls that was undergoing construction and the road was torn up. I had to move slowly and at one point was coming to a stop to wait for a dump truck. As I slowed down, I looked to the right and saw a teen aged WHORE walking down the sidewalk and approaching the road about to cross. She walked in such a way that her legs did almost 180 degree rotations with each step, which struck me as odd but I couldn\u0026rsquo;t look away. I think this means Mommy fed her engine oil instead of breast milk. I can only imagine her cunny-juice-stained underoos were being punished like the front grill of a Lincoln in a car wash. Except rather than it smelling like soap and wax, it just smelled like underage, overused cunny.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Stony shod whore"},{"content":"My son\u0026rsquo;s into watching Curious George and Elmo videos, so I\u0026rsquo;m always searching online for new ones to download. In these videos, as filler, sometimes they\u0026rsquo;ll cut to video montages of a deaf boy signing a message of love or a retarded boy putting a dog into a box full of glue or an extremely foreign toddler assembling his very first dead man\u0026rsquo;s switch. I\u0026rsquo;ve taken it upon myself to remove these sections as they upset my boy. He\u0026rsquo;s looking for the star of the show, not this bullshit. For good measure, I\u0026rsquo;ve also removed any dark-skinned people or references to God. It was no trouble whatsoever.\nOn the way home from work today, I stopped for some MacDonald\u0026rsquo;s. Ordered and paid and the teen girl at the window handed me the food and said, \u0026lsquo;See ya later.\u0026rsquo; What did she mean by that? Did the abundance of dandruff on my black golf shirt somehow send the message that I would, in fact, be back? And when I did come back, would I order a two pack of apple pies and ask her to share them with me. And if she accepted and I ended up going home with her, what\u0026rsquo;s the likelihood she was just gonna ask me to take a look at her computer which had been acting sluggish? I really don\u0026rsquo;t think she was being all that sincere with her \u0026lsquo;See ya\u0026rsquo; message. I really don\u0026rsquo;t.\nGotta go. I\u0026rsquo;m in the middle of looking for something I\u0026rsquo;ve misplaced. Is it my love of enormous glasses, long greasy hair and hugging a gay guy? Nope. Those fires have all been burning strong since 1995\u0026hellip;\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/wish-the-sun-would-never-fade/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eMy son\u0026rsquo;s into watching Curious George and Elmo videos, so I\u0026rsquo;m always searching online for new ones to download. In these videos, as filler, sometimes they\u0026rsquo;ll cut to video montages of a deaf boy signing a message of love or a retarded boy putting a dog into a box full of glue or an extremely foreign toddler assembling his very first \u003ca href=\"http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_man%27s_switch\"\u003edead man\u0026rsquo;s switch\u003c/a\u003e. I\u0026rsquo;ve taken it upon myself to remove these sections as they upset my boy. He\u0026rsquo;s looking for the star of the show, not this bullshit. For good measure, I\u0026rsquo;ve also removed any dark-skinned people or references to God. It was no trouble whatsoever.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Wish the sun would never fade"},{"content":"Woke this morning at a respectable hour and made some breakfast for my boy. He didn\u0026rsquo;t want any part of it and he wandered into the living room to play. I sat at the dining room table and halfheartedly said, \u0026ldquo;Come on. You\u0026rsquo;ve gotta eat something. Have your bacon or some toast,\u0026rdquo; but truth be told I was in the process of eating both for him when I said it. To hear him reply, \u0026ldquo;No!\u0026rdquo; allowed me to sigh in bacon-drowned relief and I proceeded to send my malnourished son off to the sitter and drove on to work, stopping for a cream cheesy bagel delight on the way. I should likely not live to see Christmas.\nSince, oh, I dunno, about April I\u0026rsquo;ve had some kind of bronchial or esophageal affliction that causes me to cough, hack, wheeze and sometimes wake up at 4 am short of breath. It\u0026rsquo;s pretty neat! Doc says it\u0026rsquo;s bad allergies and told me to F off, but he eventually complied with my request to send me to a specialist for a second opinion. Three months later that specialist appointment came up and I was told\u0026hellip; it was probably just bad allergies. \u0026lsquo;You greasy bastard!\u0026rsquo; I thought, but he went on to suggest it could be a bit of asthma too. I love health issues, especially terminal ones, so couldn\u0026rsquo;t wait to see what was next!\nWhat was next was an appointment for a breathing and asthma test\u0026hellip; another 2 months away. So approaching that day, just a couple weeks ago now, I was starting to feel better. I figured that the removal of some old pillows and sheets from our bedroom may\u0026rsquo;ve cleaned up my sleeping area enough to allow my symptoms to subside. Went for the second of the tests last Thursday where I had to breath in some funky shit to provoke a reaction and now I\u0026rsquo;m back to fucking square one. Since then I\u0026rsquo;ve returned to having an immovable sticky blockage in the back of my throat. Now I know what Nugget felt like in college.\nOh yeah. As I sat stuck in traffic tonight just after 7:30, I received a lovely message from either Pat and/or Paula saying, \u0026ldquo;where are my wedding pictures on your site dick head??????\u0026rdquo; Charming. Well, hope this warms your hearts\u0026hellip; I\u0026rsquo;d forgotten I even went to that thing! But I scoured my Recycling Bin and did find a few pics. I\u0026rsquo;ll put them up another time. For now, let these two tickle your tits.\n[mla_gallery link=\u0026ldquo;file\u0026rdquo; columns=\u0026ldquo;2\u0026rdquo;]\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/cum-guzzling/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke this morning at a respectable hour and made some breakfast for my boy. He didn\u0026rsquo;t want any part of it and he wandered into the living room to play. I sat at the dining room table and halfheartedly said, \u0026ldquo;Come on. You\u0026rsquo;ve gotta eat something. Have your bacon or some toast,\u0026rdquo; but truth be told I was in the process of eating both for him when I said it. To hear him reply, \u0026ldquo;No!\u0026rdquo; allowed me to sigh in bacon-drowned relief and I proceeded to send my malnourished son off to the sitter and drove on to work, stopping for a cream cheesy bagel delight on the way. I should likely not live to see Christmas.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Cum guzzling"},{"content":"I\u0026rsquo;m a big stinky pussy and most of you know that. When I was young, I remember that we\u0026rsquo;d often go over to our neighbour\u0026rsquo;s place to hang out. She had a well beside the house with a grate over it. On the grass around it, there\u0026rsquo;d always be a surplus of snakes. Finding small black snakes in this area was like finding stretch marks on Spoar\u0026rsquo;s back, saffron-coloured pus on Joe Carolan\u0026rsquo;s dick or an abundance of pubes on Dan Zammit\u0026rsquo;s bathroom floor \u0026ndash; it was a sure thing.\nThe neighbour\u0026rsquo;s property was a shithole with odds and ends of discarded trash strewn about. What we\u0026rsquo;d do to pass the time was to find a length of rope, tie it to a snake (unlikely I did the tying as, like I said, I\u0026rsquo;m a big-time puss) and then spin that summa bitch like we were roping cattle. The slithery acquaintance would invariably die, though whether it was due to violent organ stretching or the embarrassment of being the subject of the only exercise this Barnhardt would partake in for many years, I cannot say.\nFast forward a few years. It was my job to cut the grass at our compound. One day, while exiting the shed to commence cutting, I saw a snake in the grass. It moved in a cheerful manner as though it had just come from it\u0026rsquo;s new girlfriend\u0026rsquo;s house and she finally, and I mean FINALLY blew him. I quickly put an end to his bliss by rolling the back tire of the riding mower over him. Back and forth, then back and forth, and then back and forth one last time over his slender, glistening 8 inches (I stole that last sentence from the critically panned autobiography of Adam Girdlestone entitled Why Can\u0026rsquo;t I Smile?, available in paperback November 2nd!).\nI\u0026rsquo;m not proud of those stories. I doubt a snake ever did a damn thing to me to deserve abuse in return. I\u0026rsquo;ll assume that there\u0026rsquo;s some hidden meaning to my issues with snakes, most likely that I\u0026rsquo;m seriously into man love. But when it comes down to it, any fitting description of me contains many terrible, horrible things and if I were to see \u0026ldquo;also queer\u0026rdquo; tacked onto the bottom of that list then, well, I think it could only serve to bring my worth up a notch.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/unreasonable-anger-toward-snakes/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;m a big stinky pussy and most of you know that. When I was young, I remember that we\u0026rsquo;d often go over to our neighbour\u0026rsquo;s place to hang out. She had a well beside the house with a grate over it. On the grass around it, there\u0026rsquo;d always be a surplus of snakes. Finding small black snakes in this area was like finding stretch marks on Spoar\u0026rsquo;s back, saffron-coloured pus on Joe Carolan\u0026rsquo;s dick or an abundance of pubes on Dan Zammit\u0026rsquo;s bathroom floor \u0026ndash; it was a sure thing.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Unreasonable anger toward snakes"},{"content":"Yeah, it\u0026rsquo;s 10 o\u0026rsquo;clock, 10 minutes and 10 seconds on the 10th day of the 10th month of the year 2010. What does it mean? Well, much like my doctor\u0026rsquo;s advice to lay off the Pop Tarts, it doesn\u0026rsquo;t mean shit.\nIt\u0026rsquo;s been over a year since my last post and way too long for y\u0026rsquo;all to be without me. For that, I\u0026rsquo;m sorry. How am I making it up to you? By being extremely disappointing! I ain\u0026rsquo;t giving you that second epic video you\u0026rsquo;d hoped for. I know you wanted to see a montage of shocking hidden cam footage of Adam Girdlestone boning three whores or Mrs. Carolan in the shibby shack or even Shaun Carolan actually working all set to the theme from Dukes of Hazzard, but it just didn\u0026rsquo;t pan out. I\u0026rsquo;ve talked to some experts and those three things are just never going to happen.\nI\u0026rsquo;d thought about changing the look and feel of the site, but when I created this version over a 2-week span at the tail end of 2006, I guess I just damn well got it right! It appropriately acts as the blue cheese dressing on the salad of my thoughts. Those tiny pictures up top where \u0026ldquo;the circle\u0026rsquo;s\u0026rdquo; goofy shenanigans come together to make up my face. Brilliant! That stunning picture of me in the top left (a careful crop of me taking a dump in Dan Zammit\u0026rsquo;s driveway). So I left it alone, for now. Take a look around and re-familiarize yourselves with everything.\nAfter some minor housekeeping, you\u0026rsquo;ll now notice the absence of any links to friend or family sites that used to be on the right \u0026ndash; they\u0026rsquo;re all gone. No one does the MySpace thing any more. J and P Carolan have abandoned their free GeoCities websites (probably the first time in history a Carolan has said \u0026rsquo;no\u0026rsquo; to something free). My brother\u0026rsquo;s sites have disappeared. Even the site where that Dave Pester guy was auctioning off his shit-stained boxers is gone, and I was checking that thing for new products like every day! But this site ain\u0026rsquo;t gone. It\u0026rsquo;s back. And now with 100% more Twitter action!!\nOh yeah, I also bumped into some remnants of older iterations of the site. If you\u0026rsquo;re bored, take a look at the links below. If you\u0026rsquo;re not bored, come back tomorrow when you can read about someone that annoyed me, something I shat out, something that was crawling up my leg, a stupid story about a pencil crayon that fucks sleeping rabbits, unwanted pictures of an unwanted event of some kind or just some incoherent ramblings of a rye-filled fat guy. You know you can\u0026rsquo;t live without it and either can I\u0026hellip;\nMarch 2003, \u0026ldquo;another reason for Joe to hate me\u0026rdquo;: here\nJuly 2004, I assume I had OD\u0026rsquo;d on fruit punch and soft cheese before this: here\nMay 2005, first post after our wedding: here\nSeptember 2005, celebrating a shrimp accomplishment: here\nMarch 2006, last post at the \u0026lsquo;old site\u0026rsquo;: here\nJune 2006, my African-Canadian construction foreman: here\nJune 2006, enter construction guy #2: here\nAugust 2006, the August promo: here\nOctober 2006, the October promo: here\nNovember 2006, the law suit: here\nNovember 2008, the NON law suit: here\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/where-i-left-off/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eYeah, it\u0026rsquo;s 10 o\u0026rsquo;clock, 10 minutes and 10 seconds on the 10th day of the 10th month of the year 2010. What does it mean? Well, much like my doctor\u0026rsquo;s advice to lay off the Pop Tarts, it doesn\u0026rsquo;t mean shit.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt\u0026rsquo;s been over a year since my last post and way too long for y\u0026rsquo;all to be without me. For that, I\u0026rsquo;m sorry. How am I making it up to you? By being extremely disappointing! I ain\u0026rsquo;t giving you that second epic video you\u0026rsquo;d hoped for. I know you wanted to see a montage of shocking hidden cam footage of Adam Girdlestone boning three whores or Mrs. Carolan in the shibby shack or even Shaun Carolan actually working all set to the theme from Dukes of Hazzard, but it just didn\u0026rsquo;t pan out. I\u0026rsquo;ve talked to some experts and those three things are just never going to happen.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Where I left off"},{"content":"At work on the counter next to the pizza stand is a display of spices for your choosing. I regularly partake in several of them, despite not really knowing their proper title. There are two toppings that I always skip\u0026hellip;\nI was at the food area the other day, ordering up a delicious bowl of tomato rice soup, one of their better soup offerings. I looked down the counter to the end where the pizza slices are served up. I saw a pony-tailed man receiving a slice from the server. He turned to the topping display and I saw the son of a bitch\u0026rsquo;s eyes light up like he\u0026rsquo;d just seen his first cooter. As he lifted the bottle I was in shock. He was thrilled about putting olive oil on his pizza.\nNow perhaps some of you crazy bastards out there have done the same, but for over 10 years I\u0026rsquo;ve wondered what kind of sicko actually puts olive oil on their pizza. The bottle always appears to be full and not recently used. And perhaps it never had been, until this starry-eyed goober appeared.\nNot only did he put a splash on his slice, but he shook the bottle violently creating a greasy oil volcano that erupted over every square inch of his triangular treat. Fucker looked like a fireman putting out a blaze. He was so proud of himself too and excited like his day and perhaps entire life to this point had been meaningless and this topping was going to change that. Create a real purpose for his being and forever justify his existence.\nThen he topped it off with parmesan which was certainly less noteable.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/oo/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAt work on the counter next to the pizza stand is a display of spices for your choosing. I regularly partake in several of them, despite not really knowing their proper title. There are two toppings that I always skip\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI was at the food area the other day, ordering up a delicious bowl of tomato rice soup, one of their better soup offerings. I looked down the counter to the end where the pizza slices are served up. I saw a pony-tailed man receiving a slice from the server. He turned to the topping display and I saw the son of a bitch\u0026rsquo;s eyes light up like he\u0026rsquo;d just seen his first cooter. As he lifted the bottle I was in shock. He was thrilled about putting \u003cstrong\u003eolive oil\u003c/strong\u003e on his pizza.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"OO"},{"content":"Driving to the babysitter\u0026rsquo;s this morning I felt an itch on my left leg. I went to scratch it and felt an obvious bump between my pants and leg meat. I kinda freaked out and started mashing at the mound to kill whatever was trying to impregnate my flesh with it\u0026rsquo;s devil seed.\nBeing less careful than I should have to not ditch the car and kill myself and my beautiful child, I continued to pound my pants and work the mound down and out the bottom.\nAfter arriving at my destination and handing over my offspring, I returned to the car and inspected the driver\u0026rsquo;s side footwell. I found a mostly dead inch-long caterpillar creature. His rear area was oozing what appeared to be antifreeze but I\u0026rsquo;ll go ahead and assume it was mushy caterpillar organs.\nAs he writhed in pain I humourously put an imaginary thought bubble over his head region and filled it with, \u0026ldquo;What? You think that was fun for me? Do you EVER wash?!\u0026rdquo; Then I removed him with a kleenex and smashed him between my shoe and the gravel.\nHope your stinky ankle to mid-thigh escapade was worth it, you furry, harmless, gentle soul.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/cater/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eDriving to the babysitter\u0026rsquo;s this morning I felt an itch on my left leg. I went to scratch it and felt an obvious bump between my pants and leg meat. I kinda freaked out and started mashing at the mound to kill whatever was trying to impregnate my flesh with it\u0026rsquo;s devil seed.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBeing less careful than I should have to not ditch the car and kill myself and my beautiful child, I continued to pound my pants and work the mound down and out the bottom.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Cater"},{"content":"The other day I stopped at the Royal Bank in Ridgeway to deposit a cheque. As I walked into the front vestibule (underused word of the century) I saw that one of the two ATM machines was in use by a middle-aged man. An elderly man stood some 10 feet or so back from the other one and he turned in my direction when he saw me come in.\nThe man signalled me over to him with a finger wave and a glint in his eye worthy of an other Worldly wizard king. Well, an other Worldly wizard king wearing a Chrysler baseball cap. Nonetheless, he spoke in a gentle tone when he said, \u0026ldquo;I\u0026rsquo;m not too familiar with these machines. Do you think you could give me a hand?\u0026rdquo; I said, \u0026ldquo;Absolutely.\u0026rdquo;\nHe had his debit card in hand and I showed him how the picture by the card slot illustrated how to position it for insertion. He put it in and I walked him through the menus as he made a sizeable withdrawal. As he collected the money he quipped, \u0026ldquo;Don\u0026rsquo;t suppose they ever give you extras, do they?\u0026rdquo; I laughed and said, \u0026ldquo;Unfortunately, no.\u0026rdquo;\nThe man thanked me and moved out of the way so I could use the machine. I made my deposit and heard him count his money and put it away. He then patted me on the back and said, \u0026ldquo;Thanks again, pal.\u0026rdquo;\n\u0026ldquo;No problem,\u0026rdquo; I returned.\nThat\u0026rsquo;s really just the end of the story. I felt slightly better about myself than on any other day. I wish I could have concluded by saying that he drugged me, carried me back to his dank basement apartment and toe-fucked me while he watched the Tyra Banks show, but alas, I cannot.\nGod bless you, aged vestibule stranger.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/tf/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThe other day I stopped at the Royal Bank in Ridgeway to deposit a cheque. As I walked into the front vestibule (underused word of the century) I saw that one of the two ATM machines was in use by a middle-aged man. An elderly man stood some 10 feet or so back from the other one and he turned in my direction when he saw me come in.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe man signalled me over to him with a finger wave and a glint in his eye worthy of an other Worldly wizard king. Well, an other Worldly wizard king wearing a Chrysler baseball cap. Nonetheless, he spoke in a gentle tone when he said, \u0026ldquo;I\u0026rsquo;m not too familiar with these machines. Do you think you could give me a hand?\u0026rdquo; I said, \u0026ldquo;Absolutely.\u0026rdquo;\u003c/p\u003e","title":"TF"},{"content":"Hey, without being prodded or threatened to do so at all, I\u0026rsquo;ve posted a more thorough account of Samantha and Kevin\u0026rsquo;s wedding from April. I even dusted off the hilarious comment generator, again, without provocation or an angry talking to in any way, shape or form.\nNow click on the pic below to see the gallery and your Sunday will be an unnoticeably happier one.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/fast-weiner/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eHey, without being prodded or threatened to do so at all, I\u0026rsquo;ve posted a more thorough account of Samantha and Kevin\u0026rsquo;s wedding from April. I even dusted off the hilarious comment generator, again, without provocation or an angry talking to in any way, shape or form.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNow click on the pic below to see the gallery and your Sunday will be an unnoticeably happier one.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/photos/kevin-and-sams-wedding\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"hoe\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/hoe.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Fast weiner"},{"content":"Been sick for a few days, alright? Back off. Get your own sore throat.\nHad a few stops to make yesterday on my way in to work\u0026hellip;\nDropped my son off at the sitter\u0026rsquo;s in Ridgeway. As we waited for her to come to the door, I noticed a fly or two and a bee around my legs. I looked down and saw a mangled frog lying on it\u0026rsquo;s back surrounded by blood and worms were coming out of it\u0026rsquo;s mouth. I presume the worms were the frog\u0026rsquo;s last meal, or maybe someone had staged the whole thing. Anyway, I kicked it aside with a powerful Barnhardt wallop that sent it flying a good 20 some odd inches away. Froggy made me think back to the time I was cutting grass at my Mom\u0026rsquo;s and I came around a tree and before I could stop I rolled over a sizeable frog that was sitting there. When it came out the other side of the tire, it looked 100% the same as when it went in. So either it flexed all it\u0026rsquo;s muscles and walked away a bit later unscathed or the 650 lb tractor (and perhaps 230 pounds atop it) turned the frog\u0026rsquo;s innards into a frog innard smoothy and it was later eaten by a neighbourhood kitty. You believe what you want to believe.\nNext stop was Speedy. Got a stone chip in the windshield on the weekend and since it was a new windshield in December, I have 3 years free coverage for repairs. I like free things, and watching people do things when I\u0026rsquo;m not paying them, so I stopped in Port Colborne to get it fixed. Took the dude about 15 minutes. I took a close look at it and it seemed to be about 70% better. As I get in the car to drive away, dude says, \u0026ldquo;Turned out okay. You shouldn\u0026rsquo;t have any problems.\u0026rdquo; I said, \u0026ldquo;You mean it won\u0026rsquo;t spread?\u0026rdquo; And he says, \u0026ldquo;Right. Just like your wife.\u0026rdquo;\nOkay, that last part didn\u0026rsquo;t happen.\nNext stop was in Welland. Heading to the Zeller\u0026rsquo;s to look for a discount baby stroller. On the way down the highway I spot a couple of 10-12 year olds riding their bikes down the side of the road. It\u0026rsquo;s a girl just ahead of a boy. I\u0026rsquo;m driving about 80 and I\u0026rsquo;m about 40 feet away when I see the girl eat it and wipe out. She\u0026rsquo;d hit the spot where the pavement turned to gravel. She quickly turned around to try to warn her friend, but it was fantastically too late. The kid hit either the gravel or her rear tire (or both) and took a sideways spill and flipped over his bike. I was only about 20 feet away when I was blessed enough to witness his head and face and cheek area slam into the gravel. I write about this without feelings of sorrow for them because the amount of courage on the boy\u0026rsquo;s face was impressive. He took it well. At that age I would have been balling before I\u0026rsquo;d come an inch off the seat and been absolutely inconsolable for the 6 or 7 weeks that followed.\nAnyway, so yes, I assume the boy died.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-agony-of-that-kids-defeat/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eBeen sick for a few days, alright? Back off. Get your own sore throat.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHad a few stops to make yesterday on my way in to work\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDropped my son off at the sitter\u0026rsquo;s in Ridgeway. As we waited for her to come to the door, I noticed a fly or two and a bee around my legs. I looked down and saw a mangled frog lying on it\u0026rsquo;s back surrounded by blood and worms were coming out of it\u0026rsquo;s mouth. I presume the worms were the frog\u0026rsquo;s last meal, or maybe someone had staged the whole thing. Anyway, I kicked it aside with a powerful Barnhardt wallop that sent it flying a good 20 some odd inches away. Froggy made me think back to the time I was cutting grass at my Mom\u0026rsquo;s and I came around a tree and before I could stop I rolled over a sizeable frog that was sitting there. When it came out the other side of the tire, it looked 100% the same as when it went in. So either it flexed all it\u0026rsquo;s muscles and walked away a bit later unscathed or the 650 lb tractor (and perhaps 230 pounds atop it) turned the frog\u0026rsquo;s innards into a frog innard smoothy and it was later eaten by a neighbourhood kitty. You believe what you want to believe.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The Agony of That Kid's Defeat"},{"content":"I made the life-altering decision this morning to wear Blacky \u0026ndash; my favourite black polo shirt, but a shirt with an issue. A little while back I was throwing a cat down some stairs and she scratched me. This resulted in a thread hanging out of the shirt near my left nipple (or at least where my left nipple should be; I\u0026rsquo;m certain it was placed carelessly).\nSo anyway, that thread become a small hole in the shirt, which I was well aware of when I commenced my dressing ceremony this morning. I put a white undershirt on and Blacky on top. Sweet baby Jesus, I could see the white shirt through the hole.\nFigured I\u0026rsquo;d run to the store to get a replacement, but the store wasn\u0026rsquo;t open yet. The store, by the way, is Zeller\u0026rsquo;s, and they make a mean polo shirt, let me tell you. By the way, it\u0026rsquo;s tragic that the proper name for these shirts is either \u0026ldquo;polo shirt\u0026rdquo; or \u0026ldquo;golf shirt\u0026rdquo; when most of the dudes I see wearing them, including myself, are the least sporty people on Earth. I\u0026rsquo;m off on a tangent here, but these should really be named \u0026ldquo;comfortable chicken wing eating shirts.\u0026rdquo;\nThe backup plan quickly came to my idiotic brain. I would stop by my Mom\u0026rsquo;s and get a piece of electrical tape and stick it to either the area of my undershirt that was showing through or the back of the comfortable chicken wing eating shirt, whichever looked better. But then it occurred to me that the area would no longer be white, but it would quite possibly be shiny black. Not a great solution.\nIdiotic idea #2? Determine the area of the white shirt that was appearing through the hole and colour it in with a black Sharpie. The undershirt would then be ruined, but I\u0026rsquo;ve long since determined it would never be worn on the outside of my attire lest people be able to see my jet black areolae (that\u0026rsquo;s the plural of areola, you uneducated bastards!).\nHeaded off to work and figured I had 90 minutes to work on it.\nStopped in Burlington and ran into Old Navy. Eventually found plain, simple polo shirts. Two for $30. Wasn\u0026rsquo;t impressed by the black one. Not black enough. Saw a couple grey colours that would make a nice second choice. However, the buttons on all of them was the breaking point. They were larger than they should be and an offensive off-white. So offensive I got the hell outta there and headed for the Zeller\u0026rsquo;s on the other side of the mall.\nSoon as I walked in the door I saw their shirt display. Two of them for $20. You, Zeller\u0026rsquo;s, have outdone yourself. Dug through the black ones and found one remaining size XL (yes, ladies, sorry to tarnish your opinion of me, but the shirts that I\u0026rsquo;ve been stretching over my bitch tits are not size Medium or even Large; I\u0026rsquo;m so, so sorry). I then looked around and while the other colours weren\u0026rsquo;t as nice as the Old Navy greys, they had an off-white that would do. And the buttons? Oh, they were terrific.\nGave them a good once over to ensure they were pussy hole free and headed for the checkout.\nThe lady scanned them through and what started as a lousy Thursday became a better one. Motherfuckers scanned in at $7.50 each. $15 for two shirts. For this price when I got home at night I thought I might rub tuna on one and let kitty go to town and use the other to wipe the day\u0026rsquo;s worth of junk sweat from my taint. I was happy. Happy in a way that the people in the parking lot 5 minutes later who had to watch me forcefully tuck the length of that shirt past my fat and down my pants were not.\nSo there\u0026rsquo;s your feel good story to read leading into your weekend. There is still a slight bit of magic left in this World and Zeller\u0026rsquo;s and I have proven it. Long live Rock \u0026rsquo;n Roll.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/pussy-shirt-epic/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI made the life-altering decision this morning to wear Blacky \u0026ndash; my favourite black polo shirt, but a shirt with an issue. A little while back I was throwing a cat down some stairs and she scratched me. This resulted in a thread hanging out of the shirt near my left nipple (or at least where my left nipple \u003cem\u003eshould\u003c/em\u003e be; I\u0026rsquo;m certain it was placed carelessly).\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo anyway, that thread become a small hole in the shirt, which I was well aware of when I commenced my dressing ceremony this morning. I put a white undershirt on and Blacky on top. Sweet baby Jesus, I could see the white shirt through the hole.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Pussy Shirt Epic"},{"content":"\nOn my way in to work, I believe I saw a stripper/weed whacking girl on the side of the road. What did she see? A fat nerd in a grey car taking her picture with his Blackberry and an old guy in a white Malibu* beating his dick like it owed him money.\n*Please someone, correct me if that\u0026rsquo;s not a Malibu in the picture. I don\u0026rsquo;t want to make mistakes here. Not like this. Not like this.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/maintenance-whore/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"IMG00039\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/IMG00039.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOn my way in to work, I believe I saw a stripper/weed whacking girl on the side of the road. What did she see? A fat nerd in a grey car taking her picture with his Blackberry and an old guy in a white Malibu* beating his dick like it owed him money.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e*Please someone, correct me if that\u0026rsquo;s not a Malibu in the picture. I don\u0026rsquo;t want to make mistakes here. Not like this. Not like this.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Put your hands together for Lola, the road maintenance whore"},{"content":"Anyone else have a dream last night where Jeff Girdlestone was getting beaten by his mother about the face and buttocks with a large metal beaver whilst father Girdlestone hummed No Son of Mine by Genesis? No? Just me. Probably for the best.\nFinished watching the new Transformers movie. Didn\u0026rsquo;t like it. Not a fan of the new look of the Transformers at all. Part of the appeal of the original toys and cartoon was to say, hey, look, dude\u0026rsquo;s armpit is actually a tailpipe or hey, that odd robot has antenna legs. Now you can\u0026rsquo;t make out shit. It just looks like a big mess of belt buckles and screwdrivers. And how about the part near the end where someone\u0026rsquo;s silhouette appears and they throw popcorn on someone else. Blocks out half the picture. You think they would have fixed that up before releasing it.\nNonetheless, Samantha Fox was hot. Nice piece of ass to look at. I was dying for her to sing Touch Me or I Wanna Have Some Fun, but neither song got sung. What\u0026rsquo;s that? Megan Fox? It was Megan Fox? Oh. Okay. Sure. Whatever.\nBut really, the OG Transformers were where it was at. Check out these gems from the FED archive circa 1986:\nYep. That\u0026rsquo;s my reflection in the second one. The housecoat-clad photo genius. You should be able to make out all your favourites. Megatron and Prime are there. Soundwave. The Constructicons? Yep. Got \u0026rsquo;em. And off to the right? Why, that would be my hamster cage covered with my hamster cage cozy. That\u0026rsquo;s for when the hamster hurt my feelings and I didn\u0026rsquo;t want to look in his face for a while. But I still knew he was there. I mean, it smelled like hamster shit and you can\u0026rsquo;t cozy that up.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/no-son/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAnyone else have a dream last night where Jeff Girdlestone was getting beaten by his mother about the face and buttocks with a large metal beaver whilst father Girdlestone hummed No Son of Mine by Genesis? No? Just me. Probably for the best.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFinished watching the new Transformers movie. Didn\u0026rsquo;t like it. Not a fan of the new look of the Transformers at all. Part of the appeal of the original toys and cartoon was to say, hey, look, dude\u0026rsquo;s armpit is actually a tailpipe or hey, that odd robot has antenna legs. Now you can\u0026rsquo;t make out shit. It just looks like a big mess of belt buckles and screwdrivers. And how about the part near the end where someone\u0026rsquo;s silhouette appears and they throw popcorn on someone else. Blocks out half the picture. You think they would have fixed that up before releasing it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"No son"},{"content":"\nI\u0026rsquo;ve got a few ideas buzzing around in my head for ways to revamp the site. I won\u0026rsquo;t share any of them with you because I don\u0026rsquo;t want to spoil the surprise. Needless to say, it\u0026rsquo;ll have to involve an easier way for me to get content on here. All my spare time is occupied by my most valiant attempts at becoming an alcoholic. I\u0026rsquo;m doing fairly well at it, thanks for asking.\nSo anyway, stay tuned as I hope my cream cheese-filled brain will come up with something to entertain you. It probably won\u0026rsquo;t be as good as the initial blast of videos that were on this site, or the several that followed over the past couple years. Next time I make it down to Florida, the camera will be rolling. I must admit that the Knight Rider and Baywatch videos are really not all that bad (for a couple 31-year-olds and Pat\u0026hellip; hey, how \u0026ldquo;old\u0026rdquo; is Pat now? Are we allowed to talk about it? Does Paula read this site???). Perhaps Nugget\u0026rsquo;s August trip will yield some content he\u0026rsquo;ll share with me and in turn I with you. It may amount to nothing more than him drugging and finger fucking Joe, but we\u0026rsquo;ll really have to wait and see.\nWell, just a quick post to break the silence. And after a day spent earlier by picking up dog shit from the yard and doing laundry and dishes, I\u0026rsquo;m now off to spend some money on a broom, a phone cord and some ryes and rums. Then later I go back to hating myself.\nHappy Tuesday!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/ideas/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/memosaic.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"memosaic\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/memosaic.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;ve got a few ideas buzzing around in my head for ways to revamp the site. I won\u0026rsquo;t share any of them with you because I don\u0026rsquo;t want to spoil the surprise. Needless to say, it\u0026rsquo;ll have to involve an easier way for me to get content on here. All my spare time is occupied by my most valiant attempts at becoming an alcoholic. I\u0026rsquo;m doing fairly well at it, thanks for asking.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Ideas"},{"content":"Re-edited the Beam wedding post again to re-inject some goodness. Now I\u0026rsquo;m gonna go re-inject some cheddar cheese into my stomach.\nPeace. Love. Barnhardt.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-bride-has-spoken/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eRe-edited the Beam wedding post again to re-inject some goodness. Now I\u0026rsquo;m gonna go re-inject some cheddar cheese into my stomach.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePeace. Love. Barnhardt.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The Bride has spoken"},{"content":"Hmm. Updated that last post after receiving some hate mail about my photo comments. No problem, I\u0026rsquo;ll just go back to eating lots of stuff and talking about it. No one gets hurt that way \u0026lsquo;cept me.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/screw-you-taxpayer/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eHmm. Updated that last post after receiving some hate mail about my photo comments. No problem, I\u0026rsquo;ll just go back to eating lots of stuff and talking about it. No one gets hurt that way \u0026lsquo;cept me.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Screw You, Taxpayer!"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/kevin-and-sams-wedding/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Kevin and Sam's Wedding"},{"content":"Sam and Kevin\u0026rsquo;s wedding was yesterday. Reception was terrific. Saw people I hadn\u0026rsquo;t seen in 15 years. Lots of great food and plenty of booze. Photo gallery coming soon.\nHighlights:\nLuc and Mike performing an awesome acoustic rendition of Lost Together Sean Ball \u0026ndash; no man has had this good an evening without being able to open his eyes Vince the bartender \u0026ndash; your rye and ginger\u0026rsquo;s changed my life Maria\u0026rsquo;s Catering \u0026ndash; when you put sausage next to meatballs, I\u0026rsquo;m not gonna get excited about the sausage; when you make that sausage maple flavoured I want to have sex with your face Dan Potyok travelling the longest distance to be there and despite my line of questions about his kill count, he decides not to remove my spine and shove it up my ass ten minutes into catching up with Rob Sykes he ends our chat abruptly when he realizes he\u0026rsquo;s missing out on some killer weed in the parking lot When all was said and done it was about 2:30 in the morning and Adam G offered to drive me home. I remember getting home and getting out of the car and that\u0026rsquo;s about it. Analyzing the whereabouts of my clothing and several other items, I think I can piece together what took place.\nI\u0026rsquo;m figuring when I got there I was thirsty. I took two bottles of water from the fridge and placed them on the counter. I then turned around, took off my belt, tie and jacked and threw them onto the stairs. Turning back, I forgot about the bottles of water and poured myself a glass. I went to the office and briefly looked at Asian porn on the computer and removed my shirt while doing so (of course). I then went to the living room where I removed my glasses and fell asleep. About two hours later I woke up and stumbled to the stairs, picking up my jacket and heading up to the bedroom where I threw it down on the ground with my pants. Case closed.\nI never like losing time when I\u0026rsquo;m boozing, but I really must say that I\u0026rsquo;m thrilled that I didn\u0026rsquo;t discover piss in the bed or a mound of shit in the living room. The absence of both allows me to give an approving thumbs up to the past 24 hours of my life.\nGod Bless.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/open-bar/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSam and Kevin\u0026rsquo;s wedding was yesterday. Reception was terrific. Saw people I hadn\u0026rsquo;t seen in 15 years. Lots of great food and plenty of booze. Photo gallery coming soon.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHighlights:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLuc and Mike performing an awesome acoustic rendition of Lost Together\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSean Ball \u0026ndash; no man has had this good an evening without being able to open his eyes\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eVince the bartender \u0026ndash; your rye and ginger\u0026rsquo;s changed my life\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMaria\u0026rsquo;s Catering \u0026ndash; when you put sausage next to meatballs, I\u0026rsquo;m not gonna get excited about the sausage; when you make that sausage maple flavoured I want to have sex with your face\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eDan Potyok travelling the longest distance to be there and despite my line of questions about his kill count, he decides not to remove my spine and shove it up my ass\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eten minutes into catching up with Rob Sykes he ends our chat abruptly when he realizes he\u0026rsquo;s missing out on some killer weed in the parking lot\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003c/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhen all was said and done it was about 2:30 in the morning and Adam G offered to drive me home. I remember getting home and getting out of the car and that\u0026rsquo;s about it. Analyzing the whereabouts of my clothing and several other items, I think I can piece together what took place.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Open Bar"},{"content":"About 3 months ago, in the final bitter cold onslaught of Winter, I came home to a sweet sight at the curb. The neighbours across the way had lodged a big screen TV in the snowbank where it awaited the trash man. I came into the house and pushed past my wife and child to look out the front window to gaze upon it again. Could the frosty plastic fellow be worth saving?\nI went upstairs, took off my princely office garb and threw on some jizz-crusted home pants. Went back downstairs and ate my dinner, all the while picturing the great riches I could acquire if that TV could be fixed. Was it worth a shot? No, it wasn\u0026rsquo;t worth a shot. It was worth every fibre of my being.\nAfter a walk by with the dogs to confirm the make, age and approximate weight, I waddled back into the house and demanded my wife come out and help me. I made sure no one was watching and we made our move.\nMy heart was pounding as we made our way across the road, up our driveway and forced the beast awkwardly through our side door and down the basement stairs. I put it in a cozy corner and shut all the curtains, lest someone come looking for it.\nThe next day I turned it on. To say the picture needed work is like saying my body might have too many stretch marks. It was a mess. I did some Googling and came up with a possible solution. A $30 parts purchase from overseas and their subsequent delivery 2 weeks later and it was finally time to see if this turd could be polished.\nI did some soldering and praying and then connected up a DVD player and turned on the TV. Well, can\u0026rsquo;t say I\u0026rsquo;ve seen so many shades of blurry blue in the darkest most non-blue scenes of the best movie ever made, 8 Mile. Rabbit, you deserve better. It was still unwatchable and now I was out $30 and figuring I should probably never attempt to do anything ever again.\nCalled upon my good friend Kijiji and posted the bastard making sure to fully state all of it\u0026rsquo;s shortcomings. Several price drops and a bucketful of shattered dreams later, I got a bite. Some desperate people came by to take it away. Even though they emailed the next day to inform me that it had yet another major problem that I hadn\u0026rsquo;t even discovered, they decided to keep it.\nAnd what did I do with my $30 profit?\nLiquor.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/kijiji/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAbout 3 months ago, in the final bitter cold onslaught of Winter, I came home to a sweet sight at the curb. The neighbours across the way had lodged a big screen TV in the snowbank where it awaited the trash man. I came into the house and pushed past my wife and child to look out the front window to gaze upon it again. Could the frosty plastic fellow be worth saving?\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Kijiji"},{"content":"Went to the bank machine this morning to take the last precious 20 dollars from my account and I encountered an old male customer. As I queued up behind him he briefly acknowledged me then went back to working on the machine. I say \u0026lsquo;working on the machine\u0026rsquo; because spending the time he was at the fucking thing he must\u0026rsquo;ve been trying to reprogram it or Google something. Perhaps directions back to his shitty apartment where his wife would nag him to fix the ceiling fan again. I glared at the back of his neck and pictured it exploding until he finished up and left a few minutes later. I did my business, ripped my crisp 20 from the machine and was on my way.\nThe rest of my day was filled with nothing but deep regret that I hadn\u0026rsquo;t kicked that man in the junk as he exited the vestibule. Old man, I will see you again some day and when I do, it\u0026rsquo;s on. And by \u0026lsquo;it\u0026rsquo;s on\u0026rsquo; I mean I\u0026rsquo;ll do nothing except go to the nearest Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s and eat.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/5-star-post/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWent to the bank machine this morning to take the last precious 20 dollars from my account and I encountered an old male customer. As I queued up behind him he briefly acknowledged me then went back to working on the machine. I say \u0026lsquo;working on the machine\u0026rsquo; because spending the time he was at the fucking thing he must\u0026rsquo;ve been trying to reprogram it or Google something. Perhaps directions back to his shitty apartment where his wife would nag him to fix the ceiling fan \u003cem\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eagain\u003c/strong\u003e\u003c/em\u003e. I glared at the back of his neck and pictured it exploding until he finished up and left a few minutes later. I did my business, ripped my crisp 20 from the machine and was on my way.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"5 star post"},{"content":"Woke to my child staring me in the face with a smile. I stared back at him with my usually pimply, plump, puffy and miserable mug. I think the apple fell far from the tree and then hitched a ride far, far away on the wings of a graceful butterfly with wings of Oreo delight.\nDrove to work with $1.30 in my wallet. How was I gonna maximize this? Turned the corner in the 1st floor corridor at work to see it was quiet in the land of the vending machines. I dove for the chocolate-covered almond dispenser and gladly parted with a loonie. I was chain swallowing the 10 or so tasty nuggets when a coworker happened upon me so I was forced to slow down to a human pace. I\u0026rsquo;m sure if he\u0026rsquo;d seen my gorging it would have ruined his opinion of me being a 4-minute mile kinda guy.\nAfter a trip to the office restroom in the afternoon I discovered a urine stain on my jean crotchal region. No idea who put it there. I rubbed it rapidly so as to burn it off which absolutely sounded like vigorous masturbation. Upon exiting the room I saw a woman had been standing near the door and she gave me an awful glare. I spit in her face and kicked her in the vagina for judging me. No, I didn\u0026rsquo;t. There was no one there.\nPicked my boy up from his uncle\u0026rsquo;s on the way home, stopped to get some gas and then got here and ate an unhealthy amount of canned pasta in an unhealthily short amount of time. I think you could safely follow everything I do with the word unhealthy. I even brush my teeth in an unhealthy manner. I\u0026rsquo;m sure I only make contact with 5 or 6 of the yellowy bastards and then it\u0026rsquo;s off to eat a nightstand Frosty. Thank you Mr. Wendy\u0026rsquo;s!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/imagination-land/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke to my child staring me in the face with a smile. I stared back at him with my usually pimply, plump, puffy and miserable mug. I think the apple fell far from the tree and then hitched a ride far, far away on the wings of a graceful butterfly with wings of Oreo delight.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDrove to work with $1.30 in my wallet. How was I gonna maximize this? Turned the corner in the 1st floor corridor at work to see it was quiet in the land of the vending machines. I dove for the chocolate-covered almond dispenser and gladly parted with a loonie. I was chain swallowing the 10 or so tasty nuggets when a coworker happened upon me so I was forced to slow down to a human pace. I\u0026rsquo;m sure if he\u0026rsquo;d seen my gorging it would have ruined his opinion of me being a 4-minute mile kinda guy.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Imagination Land"},{"content":"Today was another day of eating and fathering.\nI took Holden to the grocery store because Daddy needed some milk and salad. Holden was having a glorious time being carted around. There were several attractive ladies and I noted that they weren\u0026rsquo;t having their hearts melted by my beautiful offspring as they normally would. Holden had turned himself in the cart so his head faced away from me. At one point I said his name and he turned my way and I saw that he had what can only be described as a milk-puke goatee. He also had some curdy globs on his jacket. I wiped it all up quickly. I guess that\u0026rsquo;s why we weren\u0026rsquo;t \u0026ldquo;picking up.\u0026rdquo; It couldn\u0026rsquo;t have had anything to do with my morbid obesity or general lack of appeal.\nI headed for the checkout and we paid for our groceries. I don\u0026rsquo;t know what the deal is with this particular store, but the cashiers are invariably hot teenage girls. If I were 16 and in need of an erection, this place would be the shit. There\u0026rsquo;s no need for me to mention the name of the store as all Fort Erie dwellers know it. The female cashiers at the other grocery stores in town either have gunts or arms full of needle marks.\nKat came home a bit ago and stopped for treats on the way. At about 11 pm tonight I was laying mostly naked in my bed hoovering a Twisted Frosty. There\u0026rsquo;s no doubt I\u0026rsquo;ve consumed more food while in bed than anyone else on the planet. You know how there\u0026rsquo;s some foods that you wouldn\u0026rsquo;t dream of eating while you\u0026rsquo;re between your sheets? I\u0026rsquo;ve eaten that. One time during my early teens I was gulping a large vat of milk pre-slumber. I guess I got carried away with its milky goodness because I spilled it everywhere. Milk behind my bed. Milk inside my bed. It was a river of milk. I slept like an angel that night.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/no-more-buns/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eToday was another day of eating and fathering.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI took Holden to the grocery store because Daddy needed some milk and salad. Holden was having a glorious time being carted around. There were several attractive ladies and I noted that they weren\u0026rsquo;t having their hearts melted by my beautiful offspring as they normally would. Holden had turned himself in the cart so his head faced away from me. At one point I said his name and he turned my way and I saw that he had what can only be described as a milk-puke goatee. He also had some curdy globs on his jacket. I wiped it all up quickly. I guess that\u0026rsquo;s why we weren\u0026rsquo;t \u0026ldquo;picking up.\u0026rdquo; It couldn\u0026rsquo;t have had anything to do with my morbid obesity or general lack of appeal.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"No more buns"},{"content":"Hmm. Last post was quite a while back. What\u0026rsquo;s happened since then. Let me see\u0026hellip; Had all but $10 of my tax refund go to Kat\u0026rsquo;s tax owing, grew another chin, had my horse put down, created a terrific french toast-bacon-sausage-syrup sandwich which I consumed publicly and I received a new Blackberry that permits me to watch episodes of The Office in the shitter at work. I\u0026rsquo;m sure all of your lives have been far superior.\nFound out the good news last week that the racetrack in town will in fact be opening this year and hopefully for years to come. Sure would be a shame to see them level the place. Spent many a meaningful day in those camera towers playing Super Mario, singing to myself and pissing in pop bottles. I\u0026rsquo;m fairly certain the walls in there are so fortified with my jizz that their destruction would be difficult at best.\nWoke this morning and Kat left for work. Made myself a breakfast of leftover noodles, 3 glasses of OJ, a bagel and some cereal. Went downstairs to bring up some cans of pop and dropped one. Fuckin\u0026rsquo; thing sprung a leak and spurted it\u0026rsquo;s sticky contents everywhere. I didn\u0026rsquo;t clean it up though. That\u0026rsquo;s future Dave\u0026rsquo;s problem.\nWatched my offspring do his thing: Crawl rapidly throughout the house, narrowly escaping falling debris and electrocutions and occasionally climbing on my lap just long enough to puke on my pants and then grunting at me to send him on his way. It\u0026rsquo;s almost like he already can tell I\u0026rsquo;m garbage. Smart kid.\nMom came over and I took a 30-minute nap which bloated to 2 1/2 hours when my girth decided it needed further rest from the constant onslaught of feedings.\nPut little H to sleep and watched some TV. Cops. Those guys sure are great. I saw them kneel on a black fellow\u0026rsquo;s neck. Black fellow had some drugs in his pants. You can\u0026rsquo;t do that, black fellow. That\u0026rsquo;s gonna get your neck knelt on.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/today/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eHmm. Last post was quite a while back. What\u0026rsquo;s happened since then. Let me see\u0026hellip; Had all but $10 of my tax refund go to Kat\u0026rsquo;s tax owing, grew another chin, had my horse put down, created a terrific french toast-bacon-sausage-syrup sandwich which I consumed publicly and I received a new Blackberry that permits me to watch episodes of The Office in the shitter at work. I\u0026rsquo;m sure all of \u003cem\u003eyour\u003c/em\u003e lives have been far superior.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Today"},{"content":"I never did post any pics from this past New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve. For continuity\u0026rsquo;s sake, click the thumbnail of some of my 2004 neck pimples below to see them.\nAnd be sure to read all of my captions. I\u0026rsquo;M HILARIOUS!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/fresh-meat/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI never did post any pics from this past New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve. For continuity\u0026rsquo;s sake, click the thumbnail of some of my 2004 neck pimples below to see them.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/photos/new-years-eve-2008\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"neckpimples\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/neckpimples.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd be sure to read all of my captions. I\u0026rsquo;M HILARIOUS!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Fresh meat"},{"content":"Next time you see me enjoying a tasty beverage, it\u0026rsquo;s the perfect time for you to enjoy a tasty beverage too!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/moose/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eNext time you see \u003cem\u003eme\u003c/em\u003e enjoying a tasty beverage, it\u0026rsquo;s the perfect time for \u003cem\u003eyou\u003c/em\u003e to enjoy a tasty beverage too!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"Fat Dave likes Moosehead (when it\u0026rsquo;s on sale)\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/img_3215.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Moose"},{"content":"Hahahaha. That\u0026rsquo;s funny. That\u0026rsquo;s real funny. In fact, it reminds me of a story\u0026hellip;\nIt was early 1996. My cousin Zak was visiting from Sri Lanka. Zak\u0026rsquo;s IQ is 65 and he\u0026rsquo;d been \u0026ldquo;off the grid\u0026rdquo; for some time. I once asked Zak to fully explain what \u0026ldquo;off the grid\u0026rdquo; means and he responded by running across a field and slamming head-first into a tree. When I caught up to him he had a bloody grin on his face and was just beginning to shit his pants. I\u0026rsquo;ve always found Zak to be nothing short of hilarious.\nI took Zak to meet my friend Marcus on the second day of his stay. You know, Marcus Marcus. The same Marcus that broke into my house and forcibly (he claims \u0026ldquo;jokingly\u0026rdquo;) face fucked me because I forgot to give him his change from Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s. He can be a little hot headed. So Marcus sat Zak down and immediately started fucking with him. I\u0026rsquo;m not sure if Marcus is gainfully employed or what the deal is but he somehow had time before we arrived to go through everything in his apartment that Zak might touch and either put poop on it or hooked it up to a power source. I was beginning to think Marcus was a bit of a douche.\nWe were at Marcus\u0026rsquo; for almost four hours and Zak was mostly finished his glass of Ginger Ale. Marcus started laughing and I asked why. He said that the Ginger Ale was battery acid and not soda, which makes sense because Marcus can\u0026rsquo;t afford soda. I insisted we leave right away as I figured Zak would probably die because I don\u0026rsquo;t think you can safely drink battery acid.\nThe doctors said we made it to the emergency room just in time. They pumped Zak\u0026rsquo;s stomach. I was amazed how quickly Zak recovered and how much semen was in there.\nAs we drove away Zak was fuming and in perhaps his greatest moment of glory he insisted we go back to see Marcus. When we pulled up, Zak ran into the building and I stayed in the car. From the driver seat of my rusted out Ford Taurus I watched through the window as Zak knocked Marcus unconscious and sliced up his body. He came out to the car wearing the skin of Marcus as a cape. Then he said\u0026hellip; Ah shit. The whole point of this story was that Zak said something so freakin\u0026rsquo; funny at that point. Son of a bitch. Nevermind.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/youd-better-hope-and-pray/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eHahahaha. That\u0026rsquo;s funny. That\u0026rsquo;s \u003cem\u003ereal\u003c/em\u003e funny. In fact, it reminds me of a story\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt was early 1996. My cousin Zak was visiting from Sri Lanka. Zak\u0026rsquo;s IQ is 65 and he\u0026rsquo;d been \u0026ldquo;off the grid\u0026rdquo; for some time. I once asked Zak to fully explain what \u0026ldquo;off the grid\u0026rdquo; means and he responded by running across a field and slamming head-first into a tree. When I caught up to him he had a bloody grin on his face and was just beginning to shit his pants. I\u0026rsquo;ve always found Zak to be nothing short of hilarious.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"You'd better hope and pray..."},{"content":"Woke at 7. Snoozed until 7:41. Fixed myself up until 8:23. It didn\u0026rsquo;t help.\nWent downstairs. Tended to the animals. One last look at my disgusting self in the mirror. Out the door at 8:35. Car didn\u0026rsquo;t want to start, but it did. Exhaust smelled like Yoda\u0026rsquo;s taint. That can\u0026rsquo;t be good.\nArrived at work to find the entry gate now opens just a little bit slower once the self-loathing security guard decides to press the enormous I\u0026rsquo;m-a-button-pushing-sack-of-shit button in their shit-eating booth. Glad I have another second and a half to hate you each day.\nIn to work. \u0026ldquo;Hello, assholes!\u0026rdquo; Drink some tea. Go to the washroom. Shit, did I put on a brown belt with black pants? No. Just questionable lighting and a gut shadow. It\u0026rsquo;s fine.\nExamine a computer problem. Find cause of problem. Create another problem. Fix both problems. Almost miss a meeting. Go to meeting. Meetings are fun.\nWork. Work some more. Deal with others who leave at five. \u0026ldquo;What, you\u0026rsquo;re still here?\u0026rdquo; \u0026ldquo;Yes. I\u0026rsquo;m here \u0026rsquo;till 6. Usually later because I have shit to do. Shit that quite possibly you\u0026rsquo;ve asked me to do. You know what? That\u0026rsquo;s not fair. I\u0026rsquo;ve only been on this schedule for like 4 years, so perhaps I need to remind you 80 more fucking times. I want you to fall down something slippery and land hard on something not soft.\u0026rdquo;\nHead home. Stop for gas. Start pumping. Seven pumps free and this hippy looking dude picks the pump opposite mine, thus slowing down both of our pumping experiences. Thanks, loser, for making me have to wait even longer to see my family. I know you\u0026rsquo;ve got a long night of drug abuse ahead and no responsibilities in the near or distant future, but some of us do. Fuck off.\nGet home. Retrieve paper from driveway. Notable exhaustion from bending over to pick up said paper. Just happy my pants don\u0026rsquo;t split (it\u0026rsquo;s happened recently due to an awkward bend and heavily distressed crotch fabric). Get in to see child is not happy. Teeth are coming and sickness is already here. He passes out on my chest and I watch the Thirsty Traveler. Hey, I\u0026rsquo;m thirsty too!\nHand offspring to wife who whisks him away to bed. I grab some water and seek out the two episodes of Lost that I just missed. Finished downloading \u0026rsquo;em now. It\u0026rsquo;s getting late. Will I watch them? I probably shouldn\u0026rsquo;t, which means I will.\nG\u0026rsquo;night.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/count-me-out/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke at 7. Snoozed until 7:41. Fixed myself up until 8:23. It didn\u0026rsquo;t help.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWent downstairs. Tended to the animals. One last look at my disgusting self in the mirror. Out the door at 8:35. Car didn\u0026rsquo;t want to start, but it did. Exhaust smelled like Yoda\u0026rsquo;s taint. That can\u0026rsquo;t be good.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eArrived at work to find the entry gate now opens just a little bit slower once the self-loathing security guard decides to press the enormous I\u0026rsquo;m-a-button-pushing-sack-of-shit button in their shit-eating booth. Glad I have another second and a half to hate you each day.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Count me out"},{"content":"My mouth smells like a dead hooker\u0026rsquo;s vagina. Evidently it doesn\u0026rsquo;t look much better either as I forced Kat to take a flashlight to it. Not sure what\u0026rsquo;s going on in there but every surface is tender and even gumming a slab of velvety cheddar is like chewing a handful of nails. This could be a way of my body telling me not not eat so much, but I\u0026rsquo;m not listening, much the same way my body didn\u0026rsquo;t listen when I asked it to not grow lady tits.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/alfred-lamb/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eMy mouth smells like a dead hooker\u0026rsquo;s vagina. Evidently it doesn\u0026rsquo;t look much better either as I forced Kat to take a flashlight to it. Not sure what\u0026rsquo;s going on in there but every surface is tender and even gumming a slab of velvety cheddar is like chewing a handful of nails. This could be a way of my body telling me not not eat so much, but I\u0026rsquo;m not listening, much the same way my body didn\u0026rsquo;t listen when I asked it to not grow lady tits.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Alfred Lamb"},{"content":"I awoke from my slumber today and felt 54% worse than yesterday. Decided to take a sick day. Phone rang off the fuckin\u0026rsquo; hook so glad I didn\u0026rsquo;t try to sleep. Ate some bacon and been taking it easy. Have gotten little accomplished except filling my usual jizz kleenex trash bin with snotty kleenex. Nice to throw ol\u0026rsquo; trashy a curveball from time to time.\nWhile I was taking it easy, figured I\u0026rsquo;d polish up the tail end of the Dark Knight video and YouTube it. Tragically, after spending an hour uploading it, I\u0026rsquo;m told that the 13-minute video is beyond their 10-minute limit. Glad that info is buried deep within a help page that I didn\u0026rsquo;t see. So I split it into two and resent it. All\u0026rsquo;s well. \\\\ I\u0026rsquo;ve since removed it from YouTube for no good reason. ** DB 2020 **\nIf you want to see the polished closing to the video, look here.\nOnly change is a small addition at the end as FortErieAndrew (aka FortErieShithead) said it \u0026ldquo;ended too abruptly.\u0026rdquo; You know, FortErieShithead\u0026rsquo;s first girlfriend had the same complaint and he didn\u0026rsquo;t do a damned thing about it.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/its-gonna-blind-you/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI awoke from my slumber today and felt 54% worse than yesterday. Decided to take a sick day. Phone rang off the fuckin\u0026rsquo; hook so glad I didn\u0026rsquo;t try to sleep. Ate some bacon and been taking it easy. Have gotten little accomplished except filling my usual jizz kleenex trash bin with snotty kleenex. Nice to throw ol\u0026rsquo; trashy a curveball from time to time.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhile I was taking it easy, figured I\u0026rsquo;d polish up the tail end of the Dark Knight video and YouTube it. Tragically, after spending an hour uploading it, I\u0026rsquo;m told that the 13-minute video is beyond their 10-minute limit. Glad that info is buried deep within a help page that I didn\u0026rsquo;t see. So I split it into two and resent it. All\u0026rsquo;s well. \u003cstrong\u003e\\\u003cem\u003e\\\u003c/em\u003e I\u0026rsquo;ve since removed it from YouTube for no good reason. ** DB 2020 **\u003c/strong\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"It's gonna blind you"},{"content":"On the recommendation of some friends (who are absolutely aware that I\u0026rsquo;m fat and enjoy eating) I stopped at Burger King to take down one of them Angry Whoppers today. Ironically, they don\u0026rsquo;t have them any more, so I had to settle for a normal Whopper\u0026hellip; which made me angry. Well played, Burger King. You made yourself a powerful enemy today.\nI was taking a pee in the public washroom at work this afternoon. The room was empty aside from myself and I was at the far right urinal with a wall partially concealing my girth from others. Mid pee, I hear a dude come in mumbling to himself as though distracted and possibly reading, but certainly heading in my direction. Only thing that crossed my mind is that he was so focused on whatever the fuck he was doing that he wasn\u0026rsquo;t going to even look up to see that the urinal was occupied and I would wind up with his dick on my back.\nAs it turned out he realized I was there before nudging me with his wang and proceeded to another urinal. But I got big problems. These are the kinds of things I seriously devote time to worry about. Dicks on my back. Perhaps if I gave a little more consideration to the important things in life, I\u0026rsquo;d have had that Angry Whopper a long time ago. Yeah, I\u0026rsquo;m gonna be hung up on this Angry Whopper thing for a while\u0026hellip;\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/angry-whopper/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eOn the recommendation of some friends (who are absolutely aware that I\u0026rsquo;m fat and enjoy eating) I stopped at Burger King to take down one of them Angry Whoppers today. Ironically, they don\u0026rsquo;t have them any more, so I had to settle for a normal Whopper\u0026hellip; which made me angry. Well played, Burger King. You made yourself a powerful enemy today.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI was taking a pee in the public washroom at work this afternoon. The room was empty aside from myself and I was at the far right urinal with a wall partially concealing my girth from others. Mid pee, I hear a dude come in mumbling to himself as though distracted and possibly reading, but certainly heading in my direction. Only thing that crossed my mind is that he was so focused on whatever the fuck he was doing that he wasn\u0026rsquo;t going to even look up to see that the urinal was occupied and I would wind up with his dick on my back.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Angry, Whopper"},{"content":"Well I guess that post a few down there is wrong: Times are not so different. I mean, the price of gas is back down around 70-75 cents a litre. That\u0026rsquo;s pretty good. \u0026lsquo;Old Grey Beard\u0026rsquo; (the grey shirt that won\u0026rsquo;t die) hangs in my closet only a notch or two past my daily wearables. He could show up any day now!\nWhat else? Well, there\u0026rsquo;s Joe. He\u0026rsquo;s clearly not insane and at the recent New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve party I didn\u0026rsquo;t see him drink a drop. In fact, he may be at his creative peak what with the Dark Knight trailer and all. I think we can expect more greatness from that greasy bastard!\nOur friendly neighbourhood Spoarzy is packing that weight back on faster than a Zammit pulls day-old meat from the clearance bin. We love you, fat Ryan. Go with it.\nAnd that once-a-day pill turned out to do not a God damned thing. Close friends were jealous that I\u0026rsquo;d drop these extra 50 pounds quickly and border on svelt in no time. Fear not. These milky white tits still jiggle like a hamster in a pudding-filled balloon and no pill is gonna change that. What might change that is a kilo of chocolate dipped into half a kilo of peanut butter. Let me see how this works out\u0026hellip;\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/f-packer/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWell I guess that post a few down there is wrong: Times are not so different. I mean, the price of gas is back down around 70-75 cents a litre. That\u0026rsquo;s pretty good. \u0026lsquo;Old Grey Beard\u0026rsquo; (the grey shirt that won\u0026rsquo;t die) hangs in my closet only a notch or two past my daily wearables. He could show up any day now!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhat else? Well, there\u0026rsquo;s Joe. He\u0026rsquo;s clearly not insane and at the recent New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve party I didn\u0026rsquo;t see him drink a drop. In fact, he may be at his creative peak what with the Dark Knight trailer and all. I think we can expect more greatness from that greasy bastard!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"F. Packer"},{"content":"Let\u0026rsquo;s start the new year off right. Here\u0026rsquo;s a masterpiece from the minds of Joe Xavier Carolan and Patrick Zeus Carolan. I\u0026rsquo;ll also take some credit for piecing it together. Enjoy!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/happy-2009/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eLet\u0026rsquo;s start the new year off right. Here\u0026rsquo;s a masterpiece from the minds of Joe Xavier Carolan and Patrick Zeus Carolan. I\u0026rsquo;ll also take some credit for piecing it together. Enjoy!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Happy 2009(?)"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/new-years-eve-2008/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2008"},{"content":"No, this isn\u0026rsquo;t that meaningful update you\u0026rsquo;ve been looking for. Just dropped in to say, \u0026ldquo;Hey. How ya doing?\u0026rdquo;\nYou can now go back to your day. Thank you.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/pimple-sleeve/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eNo, this isn\u0026rsquo;t that meaningful update you\u0026rsquo;ve been looking for. Just dropped in to say, \u0026ldquo;Hey. How ya doing?\u0026rdquo;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou can now go back to your day. Thank you.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Pimple sleeve"},{"content":"Remember the good ol\u0026rsquo; days\u0026hellip;\nWhen gas was under 80 cents. When Ryan was fat and jolly. When Shaun was single and bitter. When we didn\u0026rsquo;t know if Jeff was gay or not. And when I wore that grey shirt everyday, was often bent over and was always surrounded by dudes. Yep, those were the days.\nThey were also the days when Joe wasn\u0026rsquo;t insane and didn\u0026rsquo;t drink. See?\nDon\u0026rsquo;t get me wrong, I think it\u0026rsquo;s fantastic. As a matter of fact I gave our favourite ass grabber \u0026ldquo;Wee\u0026rdquo; Georgie a call to tell him of this shocking development. He was able to get out an \u0026ldquo;AWESOME!\u0026rdquo; before I heard glass shattering and the line went dead. Congrats, Joe. Good to know you\u0026rsquo;re human.\nIn entirely unrelated news I had a doctor\u0026rsquo;s finger up my ass a couple weeks back. That\u0026rsquo;s what you get for asking questions about frequent urinations. He gave me the \u0026ldquo;all clear,\u0026rdquo; so I\u0026rsquo;ll assume that I just have a hamster bladder. But I\u0026rsquo;m not entirely unafflicted. I got back some blood tests and they show that I\u0026rsquo;m hypothyroid. The Doc approached this as though it were bad news but I celebrate it if it even partially explains my laziness and obesity.\nSo I gotta take a pill everyday. I figure on slipping it into my routine right after eating a heavily-buttered bagel and just before eating a heavily-buttered Pop Tart. Let the healing begin!!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-times-they-are-a-becoming-quite-different/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eRemember the good ol\u0026rsquo; days\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/as12.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhen gas was under 80 cents. When Ryan was fat and jolly. When Shaun was single and bitter. When we didn\u0026rsquo;t know if Jeff was gay or not. And when I wore that grey shirt everyday, was often bent over and was always surrounded by dudes. Yep, those were the days.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThey were also the days when Joe wasn\u0026rsquo;t insane and didn\u0026rsquo;t drink. See?\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The times they are a... becoming quite different."},{"content":"It\u0026rsquo;s been quite a while since I had a day where I saw so many people whose faces I wanted to smash in. Mainly these people were in Wal-mart. Actually they were all in Wal-mart except the guy who was driving the same speed as me in the next lane as I drove home from St. Catharines. Now what would make me have such a day? Nothing, \u0026lsquo;cept my usual messed uppedness in the head. Think it was just one of those angry days when I\u0026rsquo;m best to lock myself up at home and watch Hannah Montana reruns.\nOn the good side of things, Brita filters are on sale at Zellers. That\u0026rsquo;s pretty exciting. We need those.\nGot the official word that New Years \u0026lsquo;08 will once again be hosted by Jeff G. This will be the 7th New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve I\u0026rsquo;ve celebrated with \u0026ldquo;the crew.\u0026rdquo; I haven\u0026rsquo;t been sick since party #1. Think I\u0026rsquo;m due. Isn\u0026rsquo;t that right 6-year-younger, fruity Hawaiian drunk Jeff Girdlestone?\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/why-so-serious/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eIt\u0026rsquo;s been quite a while since I had a day where I saw so many people whose faces I wanted to smash in. Mainly these people were in Wal-mart. Actually they were \u003cem\u003eall\u003c/em\u003e in Wal-mart except the guy who was driving the same speed as me in the next lane as I drove home from St. Catharines. Now what would make me have such a day? Nothing, \u0026lsquo;cept my usual messed uppedness in the head. Think it was just one of those angry days when I\u0026rsquo;m best to lock myself up at home and watch Hannah Montana reruns.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Why so serious?"},{"content":"\nToday I discovered some footage of myself at work from 8 years ago and that\u0026rsquo;s a frame from it above. It\u0026rsquo;s horrifying. At the same time it beautifully captures this Barnhardt tipping the scales at an all-time high of 265 pounds. This was about November of 2000, shortly after I\u0026rsquo;d decided to use misuse some hair clippers on my dome. It truly seemed like a great idea at the time as I stood in the dimly lit washroom of a small 2-bedroom bungalow I was sharing with Andrew.\nThis really is a great pic. I mean, if you asked someone to draw a funny cartoon of me at work, you most definitely would put a cheeseburger next to me and pencil in some property damage caused by my girth. The shit-faced stare that reality gives you is a nice bonus.\nHere\u0026rsquo;s some more insight for you. See that remote control? The TV it controlled was about 8 inches out of frame to the left. Was I gonna just extend my skinny arm and change the channel on my own? And risk having a droopy sausage tit slam on the keyboard? I didn\u0026rsquo;t dare.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/in-the-year-2000/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/me2000.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eToday I discovered some footage of myself at work from 8 years ago and that\u0026rsquo;s a frame from it above. It\u0026rsquo;s horrifying. At the same time it beautifully captures this Barnhardt tipping the scales at an all-time high of 265 pounds. This was about November of 2000, shortly after I\u0026rsquo;d decided to use misuse some hair clippers on my dome. It truly seemed like a great idea at the time as I stood in the dimly lit washroom of a small 2-bedroom bungalow I was sharing with Andrew.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"In the year 2000"},{"content":"I\u0026rsquo;m a little out of shape as you may\u0026rsquo;ve noticed. I\u0026rsquo;ve been having this neck pain for some time (seems unrelated to that wicked ice fall I took in Buffalo in early January). Went to the doctor on Thursday and he sent me for an Xray and some blood work yesterday.\nStanding in line at the lab, the lady ahead of me turned and smiled. She was older. Short hair. Possibly a lesbot. I looked down and saw her wearing some special socks. I wished I had special socks.\nA few minutes later, I saw a teenage girl further up in line with her grandmother. The receptionist handed the girl a piss jar and she lost it, screaming that she wouldn\u0026rsquo;t be able \u0026ldquo;to go.\u0026rdquo; I then started to worry that perhaps I was going to be asked for my golden goods which worried me as I\u0026rsquo;d had to fast for 12 hours. So I asked my bladder what it thought. It didn\u0026rsquo;t respond.\nShortly thereafter I got registered and sat down.\nA few minutes later I went in and a reasonably attractive brunette took my blood. Very efficient was she as she found a vein quickly and I felt very little pain. She was standing in such a way that the back of my hand was touching her hip. I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure she was hoping I\u0026rsquo;d make a move, but I was too busy thinking about what I was gonna eat once I\u0026rsquo;d left.\nI went back and sat down in the waiting room and they said I\u0026rsquo;d have an EKG shortly. I looked around the room and saw an out-of-order water cooler, a lighting fixture with no cover and a missing bulb and some stained ceiling tiles. I felt well cared for.\nMoments later a cute blonde came and said it was EKG time. I walked into the room and was told to take off my shirt and lay on the bed. At that point I realized that I really hadn\u0026rsquo;t emotionally prepared for a stranger to see my stomach hair and bitch tits. And come to think of it, it\u0026rsquo;s probably best that I hadn\u0026rsquo;t.\nI disrobed from beer gut up and she returned. It took only a few minutes and neither of us seemed permanently scarred. It\u0026rsquo;s possible that she had a good angle on some belly button lint, but that\u0026rsquo;s an image she has to deal with, not me.\nBy 8:45 I was on my way out. I raced over to Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s where I mouth fucked a bagel and coffee. Then had to go back for a bunch of Xrays. Results to come in a couple weeks. Here\u0026rsquo;s hoping I\u0026rsquo;m not dying!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/flammable-urine-in-your-face/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;m a little out of shape as you may\u0026rsquo;ve noticed. I\u0026rsquo;ve been having this neck pain for some time (seems unrelated to that wicked ice fall I took in Buffalo in early January). Went to the doctor on Thursday and he sent me for an Xray and some blood work yesterday.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eStanding in line at the lab, the lady ahead of me turned and smiled. She was older. Short hair. Possibly a lesbot. I looked down and saw her wearing some special socks. I wished I had special socks.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Flammable urine in your face"},{"content":" Your browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/safety-1st/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"img_1677.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/img_1677.jpg\"\u003e\n\n\u003caudio controls preload=\"metadata\"\u003e\n  \u003csource src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/DairyBitchZombie.mp3\" type=\"audio/mp3\"\u003e\n  Your browser does not support the audio element.\n\u003c/audio\u003e\n\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Safety 1st"},{"content":"Here\u0026rsquo;s all the life-altering pictures from Monday night\u0026rsquo;s barbecue at Jeff and Stacie\u0026rsquo;s place.\nSPOILER ALERT: Samantha\u0026rsquo;s \u0026ldquo;all wet\u0026rdquo; and Adam Girdlestone is ass-up!\nClick me for the photos you antidentite bastard!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/jeffs-bbbq-the-extra-b-is-for-byobb/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eHere\u0026rsquo;s all the life-altering pictures from Monday night\u0026rsquo;s barbecue at Jeff and Stacie\u0026rsquo;s place.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cem\u003eSPOILER ALERT: Samantha\u0026rsquo;s \u0026ldquo;all wet\u0026rdquo; and Adam Girdlestone is ass-up!\u003c/em\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/photos/jeffs-bbbq-2008\"\u003eClick me for the photos you antidentite bastard!\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Jeff's BBBQ (the extra B is for BYOBB)"},{"content":"I\u0026rsquo;m in the crapper at work. The lowlife gentleman who sang that beautiful \u0026ldquo;pussy fart\u0026rdquo; song the last time I was in here is about 5 stalls down. He\u0026rsquo;s on his cell phone with someone named \u0026ldquo;Sharon.\u0026rdquo; He\u0026rsquo;s telling her that he\u0026rsquo;s \u0026ldquo;at work\u0026rdquo; which is either wicked funny or tragically truthful. He just asked if his \u0026ldquo;friend came by,\u0026rdquo; which I\u0026rsquo;m gonna figure means his hash dealer. I hate this place.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/crapper-entertainment/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;m in the crapper at work. The lowlife gentleman who sang that beautiful \u0026ldquo;pussy fart\u0026rdquo; song the last time I was in here is about 5 stalls down. He\u0026rsquo;s on his cell phone with someone named \u0026ldquo;Sharon.\u0026rdquo; He\u0026rsquo;s telling her that he\u0026rsquo;s \u0026ldquo;at work\u0026rdquo; which is either wicked funny or tragically truthful. He just asked if his \u0026ldquo;friend came by,\u0026rdquo; which I\u0026rsquo;m gonna figure means his hash dealer. I hate this place.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Crapper Entertainment"},{"content":"Got a call around 8 pm from Jeff. He screamed something about free popcorn and the Holocaust and then slammed down the phone. I thought I should head over.\nWhen I got there I saw Jeff, a grown man, dressed as a poplar tree (with a modest-sized cut-out through which his naked wang protruded) running around his front yard. He was sweating profusely and throwing dead batteries at kids who rode by on bikes. I rushed over and grabbed the Easter basket full of AAA\u0026rsquo;s from his hand. He got angry and called me a \u0026ldquo;fuck cloud\u0026rdquo; which struck me as neither an insult nor a compliment. I knocked him over the head with my shoe and rolled him into his fish pond to cool off.\nHe regained consciousness about 45 minutes later at which time he explained that he\u0026rsquo;d been smoking \u0026ldquo;shibby\u0026rdquo; with Edwin. Seems in between tokes he started drinking the liquid butane from his lighter and went berserk. He was able to whip up a Hollywood-quality tree costume in about 8 minutes using a broken sump pump and discarded kitchen refuse before storming outside. He apologized to me, but I told him he should probably apologize to the 4 bloodied up kids lying in the street. He said, \u0026ldquo;Fuck \u0026rsquo;em\u0026rdquo; and I knew that my good old friend was back to normal.\nI gathered my shoe and helped myself to some deck screws from his garage. He walked me down the driveway to my car. Suddenly he said, \u0026ldquo;Oh God. Adam drank a Texas milkshake. Doctor said he was never to drink Texas milkshakes!! I think he\u0026rsquo;s behind the neighbour\u0026rsquo;s house!!!\u0026rdquo; He then did a 180 and began to sprint across the yard to the side of his house. We came upon a sight I never thought I\u0026rsquo;d see: Adam Girdlestone heavily under the influence of what I would later learn was a combination of transmission fluid, hair gel and dollar store cologne. He had wedged himself into a child\u0026rsquo;s playhouse and was masturbating feverishly into a toy sink.\nMy gasps of horror were easily drowned out by his intense giggling. I couldn\u0026rsquo;t help but join in (giggling, not masturbating). I grabbed my camera and snapped a picture. Who would have guessed that the flash would send him into a violent rage. He jumped through the window of the toy house, tore the toy faucet from the toy counter and began to beat me with it without mercy. Jeff tried to intervene and Adam tossed him aside like an empty soda can. Luckily Edwin was still hanging out near the pond where he was screaming racial epithets at the goldfish. I yelled to him for help and he ran over and tackled Adam to the ground. They scratched and clawed at each other like hallucinating pumas in heat and I got the hell outta there.\nI came home and gave my son a bath. I brushed my teeth and took a sip of water, then called it a night. Just another Monday night in Fort Erie\u0026hellip;\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/hmm-that-was-weird/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eGot a call around 8 pm from Jeff. He screamed something about free popcorn and the Holocaust and then slammed down the phone. I thought I should head over.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhen I got there I saw Jeff, a grown man, dressed as a poplar tree (with a modest-sized cut-out through which his naked wang protruded) running around his front yard. He was sweating profusely and throwing dead batteries at kids who rode by on bikes. I rushed over and grabbed the Easter basket full of AAA\u0026rsquo;s from his hand. He got angry and called me a \u0026ldquo;fuck cloud\u0026rdquo; which struck me as neither an insult nor a compliment. I knocked him over the head with my shoe and rolled him into his fish pond to cool off.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Hmm. That was weird."},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/jeffs-bbbq-2008/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Jeff's BBBQ"},{"content":"Sorry, here\u0026rsquo;s the FINAL \u0026ldquo;build\u0026rdquo; of Joe\u0026rsquo;s action figures\u0026hellip;\nThe finishing touches: My glasses, laptop and Aaron Zammit (second from the left). He\u0026rsquo;s the youngest and, yes, my favourite of all the Zammits. Why? He ALWAYS smells like cinnamon.\nI\u0026rsquo;m off to bed. Busy week so far highlighted by the winning of a free play on a Lotto 649 ticket. Thanks go out to the Asian woman who screamed \u0026ldquo;FREE PLAY!!\u0026rdquo; after processing that ticket through the blue Lotto box. You made my week, lady.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-kissed-a-girl-and-i-liked-it/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSorry, here\u0026rsquo;s the FINAL \u0026ldquo;build\u0026rdquo; of Joe\u0026rsquo;s action figures\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"joey-376-custom.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/joey-376-custom.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe finishing touches: My glasses, laptop and Aaron Zammit (second from the left). He\u0026rsquo;s the youngest and, yes, my favourite of all the Zammits. Why? He ALWAYS smells like cinnamon.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;m off to bed. Busy week so far highlighted by the winning of a free play on a Lotto 649 ticket. Thanks go out to the Asian woman who screamed \u0026ldquo;FREE PLAY!!\u0026rdquo; after processing that ticket through the blue Lotto box. You made my week, lady.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I kissed a girl and I liked it"},{"content":"Back in \u0026lsquo;95 I would piss and moan about how Joe \u0026ldquo;The Dream\u0026rdquo; Carolan was no longer in high school and I was. While I had to drag my obese ass in every damn morning to that loathsome shithole, Joe would spend his day whistling a gay old tune and kicking a Sprite can around Crescent Park. It didn\u0026rsquo;t seem fair, but I somehow was able to suck it up and put it all behind me.\nWell, today I relived those feelings when I received an email from Joe writing from sunny Florida. What was he up to? Making action figures! What did I do today? Drove 2 hours to work. Drank some coffee. Humoured some coworkers. Took a poop. Drove 2 hours home. Who had the better day? Gee, I WONDER!\nBut I gotta give Joe credit for some pretty cool work. Take a look:\nThis would be Pat, Bridgeburg Dan, FortErieDAVE and Big head Shaun. Guess he hasn\u0026rsquo;t perfected making action figure eyewear, but otherwise that\u0026rsquo;s pretty spot on! Bravo!!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/can-kicking-toy-making/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eBack in \u0026lsquo;95 I would piss and moan about how Joe \u0026ldquo;The Dream\u0026rdquo; Carolan was no longer in high school and I was. While I had to drag my obese ass in every damn morning to that loathsome shithole, Joe would spend his day whistling a gay old tune and kicking a Sprite can around Crescent Park. It didn\u0026rsquo;t seem fair, but I somehow was able to suck it up and put it all behind me.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Can kicking \u0026 Toy making"},{"content":"\nI gave the finger to an old lady today.\nWe had to make a trek to Welland this afternoon. We were a bit early for our appointment so decided to stop at Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s in a strip mall parking lot. After coming out of the drive-thru, I made a left turn across an exit route and saw a Buick coming my way. I noticed the driver slow down so as not to T-bone me and I raised my left hand as if to say, \u0026ldquo;Sorry for the bother and I appreciate you not killing me and my family.\u0026rdquo; Her response? She slowly shook her head from side to side in disapproval and gave me a shit-faced frown. My reaction? A gentle open left hand quickly became the middle finger. I flipped her off and giggled demonstrably as I did it. I took great satisfaction in it which is why most consider me a terrible human being.\nWhile at our appointment at the baby doctor, a skinny crack whore of a woman was there. She had a scratchy man voice and did nothing as her child roamed the office freely into and out of areas she really had no business being. A short while later a man began to loudly roar, \u0026ldquo;Laura! Laura!! LAURA!!\u0026rdquo; from one of the patient rooms. The crack whore disappeared down a hallway. Ten minutes later, the crack whore, her loud-voiced husband and their two kids came down a hallway. The dude was pushing a No Frills cart with one child in the kiddie seat pounding back a bottle of formula and the free-range child in the back and his wife (Laura?) followed. It really is quite a sight seeing a grocery cart used as a stroller. Perhaps it\u0026rsquo;s fitting as there\u0026rsquo;s a good chance that those kids will grow up to weld those exact carts in a factory down by a murky lake somewhere.\nAnd Laura? Oh, she\u0026rsquo;s gonna be just fine.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/screw-you-gladys/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"fuckyougramma.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/fuckyougramma.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI gave the finger to an old lady today.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe had to make a trek to Welland this afternoon. We were a bit early for our appointment so decided to stop at Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s in a strip mall parking lot. After coming out of the drive-thru, I made a left turn across an exit route and saw a Buick coming my way. I noticed the driver slow down so as not to T-bone me and I raised my left hand as if to say, \u0026ldquo;Sorry for the bother and I appreciate you not killing me and my family.\u0026rdquo; Her response? She slowly shook her head from side to side in disapproval and gave me a shit-faced frown. My reaction? A gentle open left hand quickly became the middle finger. I flipped her off and giggled demonstrably as I did it. I took great satisfaction in it which is why most consider me a terrible human being.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Screw You, Gladys!"},{"content":"\nSo we had a nurse at the hospital who was a wicked cunt and it didn\u0026rsquo;t occur to me until a day or two ago that she looked like a female version of Sloth from The Goonies. One of this whore\u0026rsquo;s eyes clearly was lower than the other and it didn\u0026rsquo;t have the energy to open all the way, much like this bitch didn\u0026rsquo;t have the energy to not be a worthless prick. Though I must say when she inserted 4 fingers into my wife, she was a true gentleman.\nBaby Holden is great (as is Kat). I think I\u0026rsquo;ll have to no longer mention him here as the beautiful picture of him next to Shaun Carolan fucking a broad ad nauseam is really classless. Suffice it to say, parenting is exhausting and nerve racking and I\u0026rsquo;ll probably never be as good at it as I am at algebra, but I\u0026rsquo;ll continue to give it a shot.\nIn other news, I\u0026rsquo;m back to work on Monday. That\u0026rsquo;s good. You know what else was good? That time back in high school when I had to get a cortisone shot in the base of my foot. Fun and good. Yep.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/peace-out-to-nurse-sloth/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/slothsanatomy.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"slothsanatomy.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/slothsanatomy.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo we had a nurse at the hospital who was a wicked cunt and it didn\u0026rsquo;t occur to me until a day or two ago that she looked like a female version of Sloth from The Goonies. One of this whore\u0026rsquo;s eyes clearly was lower than the other and it didn\u0026rsquo;t have the energy to open all the way, much like this bitch didn\u0026rsquo;t have the energy to not be a worthless prick. Though I must say when she inserted 4 fingers into my wife, she was a true gentleman.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Peace out to Nurse Sloth"},{"content":"A quick couple photos of Baby Barnhardt (name to be revealed to the press soon!). Just ran home for a sec and am heading back to Welland. Why? Because I want to see if an out-of-shape fat guy with glasses who\u0026rsquo;s been awake for almost 21 hours can drive into a light standard. My money\u0026rsquo;s on light standard!!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/quick-glimpse/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eA quick couple photos of Baby Barnhardt (name to be revealed to the press soon!). Just ran home for a sec and am heading back to Welland. Why? Because I want to see if an out-of-shape fat guy with glasses who\u0026rsquo;s been awake for almost 21 hours can drive into a light standard. My money\u0026rsquo;s on light standard!!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/pict7120.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"pict7120.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/pict7120.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/pict7119.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"pict7119.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/pict7119.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Quick glimpse"},{"content":"After a long day, the newest Barnhardt finally arrived. He entered this world kicking and screaming via C-section at 8:28 PM. He weighed in at 8 lbs 2 oz and all tests show he already is better than you in math and karate. Deal with that!\nMom is fine, though damn sore. Dad is also fine, though no one cares and won\u0026rsquo;t for some years to come.\nBaby is so far quiet and in all ways awesome. He remains nameless for tonight. That is all. God bless us, everyone.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/its-a-barnhardt/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAfter a long day, the newest Barnhardt finally arrived. He entered this world kicking and screaming via C-section at 8:28 PM. He weighed in at 8 lbs 2 oz and all tests show he already is better than you in math and karate. Deal with that!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMom is fine, though damn sore. Dad is also fine, though no one cares and won\u0026rsquo;t for some years to come.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBaby is so far quiet and in all ways awesome. He remains nameless for tonight. That is all. God bless us, everyone.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"It's a ... BARNHARDT!"},{"content":"Progress has slowed, but Kat\u0026rsquo;s still smiling. They say if things don\u0026rsquo;t pick up in the next couple of hours they may have to do a C section. Think the justification is that, according to the doctor\u0026rsquo;s notes, there\u0026rsquo;s a 40% that the fetus is \u0026ldquo;the size of a fuckin\u0026rsquo; Subaru.\u0026rdquo;\nCool.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/popsicle/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eProgress has slowed, but Kat\u0026rsquo;s still smiling. They say if things don\u0026rsquo;t pick up in the next couple of hours they may have to do a C section. Think the justification is that, according to the doctor\u0026rsquo;s notes, there\u0026rsquo;s a 40% that the fetus is \u0026ldquo;the size of a fuckin\u0026rsquo; Subaru.\u0026rdquo;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCool.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Popsicle"},{"content":"Well, contractions were getting brutal so epidural went in about 30 minutes ago. Last I checked Kat was smiling, which is a marked improvement from an hour ago when she was frowning at me and calling me a worthless shithead.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/shove-it-up-your-g-damn-spine/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWell, contractions were getting brutal so epidural went in about 30 minutes ago. Last I checked Kat was smiling, which is a marked improvement from an hour ago when she was frowning at me and calling me a worthless shithead.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Shove it up your G damn SPINE!"},{"content":"Kat\u0026rsquo;s water broke about 45 minutes ago, so this shit\u0026rsquo;s goin\u0026rsquo; down. Probably no posts for a little while, unless I want to go straight to hell.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/sploosh/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eKat\u0026rsquo;s water broke about 45 minutes ago, so this shit\u0026rsquo;s goin\u0026rsquo; down. Probably no posts for a little while, unless I want to go straight to hell.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Sploosh"},{"content":"We both slept well. Back at the hospital now and the drip is dripping. Hoping for some progress in a little bit.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/morning/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWe both slept well. Back at the hospital now and the drip is dripping. Hoping for some progress in a little bit.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Morning"},{"content":"Well, baby\u0026rsquo;s still in there and it\u0026rsquo;s off to bed. Looks like tomorrow\u0026rsquo;s GO TIME!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/gnight/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWell, baby\u0026rsquo;s still in there and it\u0026rsquo;s off to bed. Looks like tomorrow\u0026rsquo;s GO TIME!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"G'night"},{"content":"Well the gel got something going. Maybe overnight as we\u0026rsquo;ve decided to ride this out at home where Kat can take a warm bath and partake in a tasty quarter chicken dinner.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/definitely-maybe/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWell the gel got something going. Maybe overnight as we\u0026rsquo;ve decided to ride this out at home where Kat can take a warm bath and partake in a tasty quarter chicken dinner.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Definitely maybe"},{"content":"Back at the hospital. Kat\u0026rsquo;s experiencing some discomfort. Waiting for another assessment by the giny doc shortly\u0026hellip;\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/welland-pt-2/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eBack at the hospital. Kat\u0026rsquo;s experiencing some discomfort. Waiting for another assessment by the giny doc shortly\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Welland pt. 2/?"},{"content":"After a delicious lunch at the brother-in-law\u0026rsquo;s we\u0026rsquo;re back home. Everyone is resting until we must return to the hospital in 2 1/2 hours.\nI\u0026rsquo;ve just delivered my crud child and to my surprise it\u0026rsquo;s neither boy nor girl but something dark coloured and foul smelling. I believe it\u0026rsquo;s what Dan Zammit would call \u0026lsquo;shit.\u0026rsquo;\nUpdate: It turned out to be shit twins. Who knew?\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/hoome/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAfter a delicious lunch at the brother-in-law\u0026rsquo;s we\u0026rsquo;re back home. Everyone is resting until we must return to the hospital in 2 1/2 hours.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;ve just delivered my crud child and to my surprise it\u0026rsquo;s neither boy nor girl but something dark coloured and foul smelling. I believe it\u0026rsquo;s what Dan Zammit would call \u0026lsquo;shit.\u0026rsquo;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eUpdate: It turned out to be shit twins. Who knew?\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003caudio controls preload=\"metadata\"\u003e\n  \u003csource src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Stressed1234.mp3\" type=\"audio/mp3\"\u003e\n  Your browser does not support the audio element.\n\u003c/audio\u003e","title":"Home"},{"content":"I was induced with bacon about 10 minutes ago and expect to be going into poo labour in about an hour. It feels like it\u0026rsquo;s a poo girl.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/induction/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI was induced with bacon about 10 minutes ago and expect to be going into poo labour in about an hour. It feels like it\u0026rsquo;s a poo girl.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Induction"},{"content":"Still no progress. Have to go back to the hospital for 5. Eating bacon and trying to nap until then. As for Kat, I\u0026rsquo;m gonna have her change the oil in my car.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/hes-staying-in/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eStill no progress. Have to go back to the hospital for 5. Eating bacon and trying to nap until then. As for Kat, I\u0026rsquo;m gonna have her change the oil in my car.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"He's staying in"},{"content":"Gel is in. Let\u0026rsquo;s hope this starts something.\nIn other news, I\u0026rsquo;m a bit parched and could use a burger.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/forcible-entry/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eGel is in. Let\u0026rsquo;s hope this starts something.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIn other news, I\u0026rsquo;m a bit parched and could use a burger.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Forcible entry"},{"content":"No news. Well, I just peed if that counts, but I\u0026rsquo;m sure it doesn\u0026rsquo;t.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/nothing/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eNo news. Well, I just peed if that counts, but I\u0026rsquo;m sure it doesn\u0026rsquo;t.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Nothing"},{"content":"At the hospital\u0026hellip; Let\u0026rsquo;s see if anything happens!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/checking-in/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAt the hospital\u0026hellip; Let\u0026rsquo;s see if anything happens!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Checking In"},{"content":"Yep. I\u0026rsquo;ve reached a whole new level of nerdity and can now post here from my Blackberry. So whether I be taking a dump in a Norweigan airplane hangar or bustin\u0026rsquo; caps in a whore\u0026rsquo;s kneecaps in the Arizona desert, you\u0026rsquo;ll hear about it as it goes down.\nSeriously, keep an eye here tomorrow as I\u0026rsquo;ll attempt to give you live baby updates from the hospital room, waiting room or washroom as I clean vomit from my shoes.\nCan you feel the excitement? I can, as I write this test post from a barn which smells like extreme poop.\nStay tuned\u0026hellip;\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/posting-from-the-road/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eYep. I\u0026rsquo;ve reached a whole new level of nerdity and can now post here from my Blackberry. So whether I be taking a dump in a Norweigan airplane hangar or bustin\u0026rsquo; caps in a whore\u0026rsquo;s kneecaps in the Arizona desert, you\u0026rsquo;ll hear about it as it goes down.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSeriously, keep an eye here tomorrow as I\u0026rsquo;ll attempt to give you live baby updates from the hospital room, waiting room or washroom as I clean vomit from my shoes.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Posting from the road?"},{"content":"Been a while. No post. What\u0026rsquo;s the deal? I was eating.\nSo our expectant child is now 1 day overdue. I\u0026rsquo;ll have to speak with him about this when he arrives. Can only imagine he\u0026rsquo;s in there trimming his nails or fiddling with his glasses. Anyway, nothing to report now except that if he ain\u0026rsquo;t out by Thursday they\u0026rsquo;re going in after him.\nSince I last posted I think I\u0026rsquo;ve gained about 20 pounds. Kat\u0026rsquo;s gained about 3. I couldn\u0026rsquo;t let her win. My bitch-tits are blossoming and there\u0026rsquo;s no end in sight. My diet consists mainly of cheesy bagels and Passion Flakie\u0026rsquo;s and sometimes they merge into a heavenly sandwich. I have a newfound enjoyment of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, fake \u0026ldquo;fruit\u0026rdquo; sticks and Pop-Tarts by the handful. I\u0026rsquo;m now wheezing at the level of someone thrice my age and raising the soap to my gut this morning caused a muscle pull that I can\u0026rsquo;t quite work out. Why do I tell you all this? To make you feel 100% better about yourself. You\u0026rsquo;re welcome.\nIt\u0026rsquo;s rainy today and I\u0026rsquo;m doing dick all. But last weekend while the weather was nice, we got out the dog soap and washed the beasts. They mostly enjoyed it, though the water was painfully cold. At one point Sunny had had enough and tried to run away. My cat-like reflexes put a quick stop to that. I tackled her using more effort and energy than I\u0026rsquo;ve ever put into anything. As you can see by Sunny\u0026rsquo;s expression, she couldn\u0026rsquo;t believe it either.\nI giggled like a 5-year-old English boy and Kat had to take a picture to prove that I wasn\u0026rsquo;t dead. Two days later it caught up with me and I could hardly move, which really wasn\u0026rsquo;t a problem.\nAt work the other day I was enjoying making money for defecating when into the men\u0026rsquo;s room came a talented Jamaican. He was feelin\u0026rsquo; good and at the top of his lungs was belting out a song about \u0026ldquo;pussy farts\u0026rdquo; while he pissed. It was awesome. I hope someday I\u0026rsquo;m careless and senile enough to replicate this awesomeness, but I\u0026rsquo;m not Jamaican so I\u0026rsquo;ll probably just get beat up.\nTo end on a sad note, we\u0026rsquo;ve had another death in the family. Cocoa, the last remaining hamster is no longer with us. Kat woke one morning to find that she was lying still in her cage and a good portion of her internal organs had become external organs. Whether she spontaneously exploded or a cat\u0026rsquo;s claw skillfully extracted said organs we may never know, but we\u0026rsquo;re going to fore go purchasing any replacements. This whole \u0026ldquo;baby thing\u0026rdquo; will probably occupy enough of our time. And when I say our time, I mean Kat will be giving Baby Barnhardt the tit while I consume rum and Pop-Tarts in the garage and wank off onto garage spiders.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/corn-dump/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eBeen a while. No post. What\u0026rsquo;s the deal? I was eating.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo our expectant child is now 1 day overdue. I\u0026rsquo;ll have to speak with him about this when he arrives. Can only imagine he\u0026rsquo;s in there trimming his nails or fiddling with his glasses. Anyway, nothing to report now except that if he ain\u0026rsquo;t out by Thursday they\u0026rsquo;re going in after him.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince I last posted I think I\u0026rsquo;ve gained about 20 pounds. Kat\u0026rsquo;s gained about 3. I couldn\u0026rsquo;t let her win. My bitch-tits are blossoming and there\u0026rsquo;s no end in sight. My diet consists mainly of cheesy bagels and Passion Flakie\u0026rsquo;s and sometimes they merge into a heavenly sandwich. I have a newfound enjoyment of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, fake \u0026ldquo;fruit\u0026rdquo; sticks and Pop-Tarts by the handful. I\u0026rsquo;m now wheezing at the level of someone thrice my age and raising the soap to my gut this morning caused a muscle pull that I can\u0026rsquo;t quite work out. Why do I tell you all this? To make you feel 100% better about yourself. You\u0026rsquo;re welcome.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Corn Dump"},{"content":"I had a teacher in grade school who was garbage. Leading up to my year with him, I often heard that he was hated. I assumed it must\u0026rsquo;ve been due to his Selleck-esque mustache or his Old West leather vests, but I would come to learn that it was because he hated fat children.\nIt was the Summer of \u0026lsquo;87 and a young tubby kid (me) was dominating Grade 5. The other kids cried at my overpowering achievements in spelling and if I recall correctly I was taking Grade 12 math. It was all so easy and breezy until it came time for the yearly outdoor adventure.\nWe orienteered the day away. I enjoyed the break from the classroom but the blistering heat of early June was taking its toll. Whether I or my Mom dressed me that day, there\u0026rsquo;s no questioning that sweats were a bad choice.\nAs the day wound down, we trekked back to the bus. Unfortunately there was a sizeable incline up the road heading back. Fortunately, Old West Tom Selleck\u0026rsquo;s whore girlfriend had a camera with her, though I didn\u0026rsquo;t notice at the time as she was trailing the group.\nA week or two after returning we came into class to see a bunch of photos stuck up on the chalkboard. We were invited to find ourselves in the photos and take them. I found myself in a shot and as I peeled the 4x6 from the board, Selleck said, \u0026ldquo;Ha. I guess it\u0026rsquo;s your best angle.\u0026rdquo;\nThanks Tom for making fun of a brilliant though tubby 10 year old. Make you feel good to knock him down a notch? It didn\u0026rsquo;t work. Well, I haven\u0026rsquo;t worn sweat pants since, but still you didn\u0026rsquo;t win. Actually if I recall you\u0026rsquo;re dead now, so I guess I win.\nFat people 1 Vest wearers 0.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/climbing-mt-algebra/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI had a teacher in grade school who was garbage. Leading up to my year with him, I often heard that he was hated. I assumed it must\u0026rsquo;ve been due to his Selleck-esque mustache or his Old West leather vests, but I would come to learn that it was because he hated fat children.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt was the Summer of \u0026lsquo;87 and a young tubby kid (me) was dominating Grade 5. The other kids cried at my overpowering achievements in spelling and if I recall correctly I was taking Grade 12 math. It was all so easy and breezy until it came time for the yearly outdoor adventure.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Climbing Mt. Algebra"},{"content":"I guess I\u0026rsquo;ve subjected you all to enough of my turtle-covered wang. Let\u0026rsquo;s move on.\nI\u0026rsquo;ve had very little time to write anything here lately what with my hectic schedule and long commute love affair with Burger King. Do you know you can ask them to hold the onions and add extra pickles? Well, you can, and it\u0026rsquo;s absolutely divine.\nWent to the dump yesterday. Had some shit from the basement that I really felt the environment could better deal with than I. Broken speakers. Old table. They\u0026rsquo;re biodegradable, right? Hey, not my problem.\nCame home and danced around a basement that now seemed quite spacious. While reorganizing some shelves, I was tapped on the shoulder by a gleeful leprechaun. He asked me to move the weight bench away from the window and I asked him to go fuck himself. Well, that set him off and we engaged in hand-to-hand combat for the better part of an hour.\nHe got in some good groin punches and at one point I shoved a paint brush up his ass. In the end I had torn my pants and he was missing half his face. We then walked over to Wendy\u0026rsquo;s where I treated him to a Frosty. On the way home I pushed him into traffic. He died.\nLast night I played in a long overdue poker tournament. Finished 4th of 18 after 6 hours or so of play. Not bad considering I hadn\u0026rsquo;t played with humans or on-line this year.\nOn the way home I developed a splitting headache and later my neck started killing me. I\u0026rsquo;m gonna say it was due to lifting a kitchen table out of my truck too rambunctiously. The trolls at the dump didn\u0026rsquo;t give me a hand as they normally do. They stood to the side and talked about how they really, really like chicken wings. I think this year I\u0026rsquo;m going to invite them to my Hallowe\u0026rsquo;en party. I\u0026rsquo;ll convince one to dress up as an old table and the other as a broken speaker, but they won\u0026rsquo;t know why until it\u0026rsquo;s far too late.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/4th-of-18/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI guess I\u0026rsquo;ve subjected you all to enough of my turtle-covered wang. Let\u0026rsquo;s move on.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;ve had very little time to write anything here lately what with my hectic schedule and long commute love affair with Burger King. Do you know you can ask them to hold the onions and add extra pickles? Well, you can, and it\u0026rsquo;s absolutely divine.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWent to the dump yesterday. Had some shit from the basement that I really felt the environment could better deal with than I. Broken speakers. Old table. They\u0026rsquo;re biodegradable, right? Hey, not my problem.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"4th of 18"},{"content":"Wendy\u0026rsquo;s called me today. Evidently they\u0026rsquo;re upset that I made it impossible to think of anything but a torn up crotch when looking at a Spicy Baconator. They let me in on their initiative to rename the Baconator the Torn Up Spicy Crotchonator, and I gave my approval.\nTruthfully, Wendy\u0026rsquo;s should be proud that they\u0026rsquo;ve come up with a sandwich that can universally be described as looking like a sloppy pile of woman junk. Even my Mom refers to the pic as \u0026ldquo;the photo of the greasy axe wound.\u0026rdquo; God love you, Mom.\nSo with this less-than-stellar post I now move that photo out of the spotlight. Let\u0026rsquo;s replace it with something else that will haunt your dreams: me taking a pee in Cuba!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/fagina/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWendy\u0026rsquo;s called me today. Evidently they\u0026rsquo;re upset that I made it impossible to think of anything but a torn up crotch when looking at a Spicy Baconator. They let me in on their initiative to rename the Baconator the Torn Up Spicy Crotchonator, and I gave my approval.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTruthfully, Wendy\u0026rsquo;s should be proud that they\u0026rsquo;ve come up with a sandwich that can universally be described as looking like a sloppy pile of woman junk. Even my Mom refers to the pic as \u0026ldquo;the photo of the greasy axe wound.\u0026rdquo; God love you, Mom.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Fagina"},{"content":"After a couple weeks of being badgered by co-workers, I\u0026rsquo;ve forced myself to try the Spicy Baconator. The verdict? It\u0026rsquo;s fucking terrible.\nI took a picture of the greasy fucking mess. Check out the shine on this fucker!\nAnd what\u0026rsquo;s with the friggin\u0026rsquo; bubble in the bacon? I mean, I\u0026rsquo;m just angry about the whole experience. Damn all of you who pushed me into it. Damn you to hell.\nI do invite you to download this wonderful Spicy Baconator wallpaper I\u0026rsquo;ve made for you. Enjoy!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-tried-it/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAfter a couple weeks of being badgered by co-workers, I\u0026rsquo;ve forced myself to try the Spicy Baconator. The verdict? It\u0026rsquo;s fucking terrible.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI took a picture of the greasy fucking mess. Check out the shine on this fucker!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/spicybaconator.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"spicybaconator.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/spicybaconator.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd what\u0026rsquo;s with the friggin\u0026rsquo; bubble in the bacon? I mean, I\u0026rsquo;m just angry about the whole experience. Damn all of you who pushed me into it. Damn you to hell.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I tried it."},{"content":"My Mom almost chipped a tooth on a walnut shell in a cookie. I was probably 9 or 10. She sent the company a letter to complain and a few weeks later a courier delivered a suitcase-sized box of various cookies. Until my wedding day I\u0026rsquo;d considered that the best day of my life.\nThat\u0026rsquo;s apropos of nothing but it was a memory that crossed my mind today. Speaking of which, you know how they say that your life flashes before your eyes when you\u0026rsquo;re about to die? Well for whatever reason, and it\u0026rsquo;s probably chocolate bar-related, I can\u0026rsquo;t get my life to ever stop flashing before my eyes. I spend hours and days thinking about life 10 and 20 years ago. I gotta think this means I\u0026rsquo;m mentally retarded, which sucks because then I gotta face the fact that I\u0026rsquo;m retarded AND fat.\nSo I haven\u0026rsquo;t been sleeping well lately. Get up 5 times and in the morning I wake up congested and wheezing. Drank 6 beers before bed the other night, but strangely that didn\u0026rsquo;t help. Gonna see if late night apple pie does the trick tonight.\nThe other morning I was downstairs when I heard a strange chewing noise. Got down low and found the source. There appeared to be something nibbling at the pipe coming from the furnace that\u0026rsquo;s sticking down the floor drain. I tapped the top of the pipe and the nibbling stopped. I then grabbed a jug of bleach and poured a few cups down the hole and haven\u0026rsquo;t heard a peep since. I\u0026rsquo;d like to think that the bleach magically teleported the mouse to a marshmellowy land where all it\u0026rsquo;s hopes and dreams came true, but we all know it painfully liquefied the little guy.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/turd-burglar/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eMy Mom almost chipped a tooth on a walnut shell in a cookie. I was probably 9 or 10. She sent the company a letter to complain and a few weeks later a courier delivered a suitcase-sized box of various cookies. Until my wedding day I\u0026rsquo;d considered that the best day of my life.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat\u0026rsquo;s apropos of nothing but it was a memory that crossed my mind today. Speaking of which, you know how they say that your life flashes before your eyes when you\u0026rsquo;re about to die? Well for whatever reason, and it\u0026rsquo;s probably chocolate bar-related, I can\u0026rsquo;t get my life to ever stop flashing before my eyes. I spend hours and days thinking about life 10 and 20 years ago. I gotta think this means I\u0026rsquo;m mentally retarded, which sucks because then I gotta face the fact that I\u0026rsquo;m retarded AND fat.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Turd burglar"},{"content":"Stopped on the way home at Home Depot to pick up some chair rail for the baby\u0026rsquo;s room. Went in, measured up the wood and cut it. Pretty quiet in there so no one got in my way. Very nice. I found my way to the checkout and waited behind a couple who had some appliances and a cart full of stuff. About 2 minutes passed and I moved ahead as the couple left. I rested the 5 lengths of wood on the ground and the fun began.\nThe cashier dude was a listless lad in his 20\u0026rsquo;s and I find myself quickly aware of the fact that he skipped the deodorant today. I\u0026rsquo;m also given the impression that he may be a mute as he isn\u0026rsquo;t responding to what I\u0026rsquo;m saying. I tell him, \u0026ldquo;It\u0026rsquo;s 33 feet total. It\u0026rsquo;s all the same stuff,\u0026rdquo; but dude doesn\u0026rsquo;t say shit back. He pulls out his tape measure and starts measuring the first piece. He punches \u0026ldquo;8\u0026rdquo; on the cash register as a line behind me begins to form.\nI figure I was obligated to try again in the off chance he just didn\u0026rsquo;t hear me. \u0026ldquo;You know what, the total of all of them is 33 feet.\u0026rdquo; He mumbled something but it definitely wasn\u0026rsquo;t, \u0026ldquo;Got it. Thanks, brotha,\u0026rdquo; and he handed me back the 8-foot piece and took another. \u0026ldquo;Um, that one\u0026rsquo;s 8 feet too.\u0026rdquo; For the first time he looked at me. Wow. Then he punched in \u0026ldquo;8\u0026rdquo; without measuring it. I figure I\u0026rsquo;m in the clear and Stinky\u0026rsquo;s gonna take my word for the rest. I look at the jerks behind me and give them a can-you-believe-this-fuckin\u0026rsquo;-guy glance. At least he\u0026rsquo;s gonna get movin\u0026rsquo; now\u0026hellip; ah FUCK. He\u0026rsquo;s reaching for the 10-foot piece!\n\u0026ldquo;Uhh. That one\u0026rsquo;s 10 feet,\u0026rdquo; I say, but I know it\u0026rsquo;s game over and he\u0026rsquo;s gonna measure them all. I grin and bear it as another 3 minutes pass before he\u0026rsquo;s done. I pay and get the F outta there.\nDon\u0026rsquo;t get me wrong, I know he was just doing his job, but I guarantee you he could have done it quicker and with a little better communication. Cashier dude, I hope that bumper on your \u0026lsquo;83 Accord finally defeats the shoelace you have holding it up and that the bumper falls beneath that rust bucket, blows out your tires and you wipe out. I\u0026rsquo;d like your rusty fireball to miss all oncoming traffic and ideally slam into a snow bank or ferris wheel. A 33-foot tall ferris wheel, you goofy shit heap.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/sandeep-and-the-magical-measuring-tape/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eStopped on the way home at Home Depot to pick up some chair rail for the baby\u0026rsquo;s room. Went in, measured up the wood and cut it. Pretty quiet in there so no one got in my way. Very nice. I found my way to the checkout and waited behind a couple who had some appliances and a cart full of stuff. About 2 minutes passed and I moved ahead as the couple left. I rested the 5 lengths of wood on the ground and the fun began.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Stinky and the Magical Measuring Tape"},{"content":"Well, what\u0026rsquo;s new. My Knight Rider video is up to over 5,000 views on YouTube. That\u0026rsquo;s pretty cool. I hope to get a call from Hollywood any day now. Umm, let\u0026rsquo;s see. This site is now blocked by my company\u0026rsquo;s firewall. That\u0026rsquo;s a pretty big shame. Normally I\u0026rsquo;d kill 3-4 hours a day working on posts here but now I\u0026rsquo;ve gotta squeeze something half-assed like this in between walking the dogs and dropping a deuce. We all suffer, really.\nI stopped on the way home at a grocery store in Burlington. Evidently pregnant women like hot dogs. As I was on my way out, an elderly woman held out a $10 bill to the cashier and asked for change so she could call a cab. The plump, teenaged cashier just stood there like a sack of Twinkies and stared at the woman and her money. Thankfully a customer interjected, \u0026ldquo;I have a cell phone if you want to use that.\u0026rdquo;\nWhat a kind-hearted soul. I can\u0026rsquo;t think of the last time I did something good for a stranger. I mean, I definitely can think of many cases where I did bad things, or even worse, nothing at all. Like my first day at Woodbine. I was going up the escalator, a fresh-faced 22 year old, ready to take on the World. As I neared the top, a very old dude went to step on the down-side. I heard a loud gurgly moan come from him and he basically fell down the thing. He was within arms reach when he began to collapse, but I didn\u0026rsquo;t even try to reach out. Certainly that moan was all of his internal organs exploding, so it\u0026rsquo;s unlikely it was the fall that killed him. Nonetheless, I do recall muttering to myself, \u0026ldquo;Well this is off to a good start,\u0026rdquo; and with each passing day since a small part of me has died. Happy Friday!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/free-fallin/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWell, what\u0026rsquo;s new. My Knight Rider video is up to over 5,000 views on YouTube. That\u0026rsquo;s pretty cool. I hope to get a call from Hollywood any day now. Umm, let\u0026rsquo;s see. This site is now blocked by my company\u0026rsquo;s firewall. That\u0026rsquo;s a pretty big shame. Normally I\u0026rsquo;d kill 3-4 hours a day working on posts here but now I\u0026rsquo;ve gotta squeeze something half-assed like this in between walking the dogs and dropping a deuce. We all suffer, really.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Free fallin'"},{"content":"Well I guess those videos have been simmering here long enough. Hope y\u0026rsquo;all enjoyed them. The Knight Rider one has been watched over 2,400 times on YouTube, so I guess I\u0026rsquo;m just a little bit awesome. Yay me! Cheers to Joe and Pat who wrote, directed, produced and shot it, all in about 20 minutes under the sweet Florida sun! Jeers to the young lady at the pool who cut short my poolside masturbation scene.\nSo yesterday was Friday and we all know what that means \u0026ndash; Double Big Mac for Dave! I celebrated a long day and some shitty weather by downing that bastard in about 2 minutes. Dumb broad at the drive thru didn\u0026rsquo;t give me a straw or napkins, but if she thought that was gonna slow me down she was sorely mistaken. The lovelessly constructed burger was gone before I left the parking lot, so I guess I won that round!\nStrolled into the house around 10:30 and collapsed in a heap. A few brownies and an over-sized glass of milk gave me the energy I needed to walk upstairs and go promptly to bed. I think most health care professionals would recommend you don\u0026rsquo;t do anything I did yesterday, but I bet those professionals don\u0026rsquo;t have nearly as entertaining websites as I.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/frosted-snakes/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWell I guess those videos have been simmering here long enough. Hope y\u0026rsquo;all enjoyed them. The Knight Rider one has been watched over 2,400 times on YouTube, so I guess I\u0026rsquo;m just a little bit awesome. Yay me! Cheers to Joe and Pat who wrote, directed, produced and shot it, all in about 20 minutes under the sweet Florida sun! Jeers to the young lady at the pool who cut short my poolside masturbation scene.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Frosted Snakes"},{"content":"Hot on the heels of last week\u0026rsquo;s Hasselhoff revival in Knight Rider 2008, we now present Baywatch 2008. Enjoy!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/enter-sandman/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eHot on the heels of last week\u0026rsquo;s Hasselhoff revival in Knight Rider 2008, we now present Baywatch 2008. Enjoy!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Enter Sandman"},{"content":"Well, well. Look who\u0026rsquo;s back. Yep, me. Where have I been? Right here, my friends. Been doing nothing at all but growing a goatee. It\u0026rsquo;s exhausting. Almost as exhausting as trying to explain to Kyle that there\u0026rsquo;s no such thing as a cure for gay.\nOh, hey, check this out. I found a trailer for a new Knight Rider movie that\u0026rsquo;s coming out. It seems to star a young John Candy\u0026hellip; hey wait a minute\u0026hellip; THAT\u0026rsquo;S ME!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/turbo-boost/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWell, well. Look who\u0026rsquo;s back. Yep, me. Where have I been? Right here, my friends. Been doing nothing at all but growing a goatee. It\u0026rsquo;s exhausting. Almost as exhausting as trying to explain to Kyle that there\u0026rsquo;s no such thing as a cure for gay.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOh, hey, check this out. I found a trailer for a new Knight Rider movie that\u0026rsquo;s coming out. It seems to star a young John Candy\u0026hellip; hey wait a minute\u0026hellip; THAT\u0026rsquo;S ME!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Turbo boost"},{"content":"\nDave goes to Florida. Does he die? Well, he\u0026rsquo;s back at work so what do you think, asshole?! Click on the picture for all the photographic evidence!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/hey-where-did-we-go/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/photos/florida-2008\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"img_0661.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/img_0661.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDave goes to Florida. Does he die? Well, he\u0026rsquo;s back at work so what do you think, asshole?! Click on the picture for all the photographic evidence!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Hey where did we go?"},{"content":"Not sure how I\u0026rsquo;ve waited this long to mention it, but on the Saturday night I went down to Florida and we went out to a club, I found myself in a good old fashioned dance off. I guess as I was wobbling around acting retarded I bumped this guy\u0026rsquo;s chick in the arm. He got all pissed off and started calling me names and I screamed at him that his girlfriend was a stinky whore. He didn\u0026rsquo;t take too kindly to that. He began to motion for everyone to leave the dance floor. I guess he was friends with the DJ because it only took a complicated hand gesture from this dude to get that guy to start spinning Drop It Like It\u0026rsquo;s Hot by the great Mr. Snoop Dogg.\nAs soon as there was enough free floor space, he started bee boppin\u0026rsquo; and scattin\u0026rsquo; all over the place. The crowd cheered him on as he performed some very intricate dance moves including the always enjoyable can opener, the flaming turtle and the overreacting cheetah. I was impressed, but not concerned. I waved him off and asked Pat to hold my glasses. Joe screamed, \u0026ldquo;Play my boy some Venga Boys!\u0026rdquo; and I knew it was gonna be on.\nI stepped out onto the scuffed linoleum and began to bust a move of my own. I had far too many drinks to be able to give you an accurate account of the events that transpired after that. I can only recall for certain that at one point I was upside down, at another I was shirtless and for some reason, even 5 days later, my nipples are still burning. The crowd ate it up, I think. Apparently they figured a pasty white fatty was good for nothing but formatting a hard drive, but I became a hero to those jerks that night. In the end I was hoisted high on their shoulders and placed atop a small stage where I flashed them all a backwards Peace sign and chugged my eighth Budweiser.\nOn second thought there\u0026rsquo;s a chance none of this happened. There\u0026rsquo;s a chance I sat at a computer the entire night and Photoshopped myself into a party picture I found on \u0026ldquo;the net.\u0026rdquo; Maybe the original source photo showed me celebrating with a bottle of Perrier after successfully formatting a hard drive. Guess that\u0026rsquo;s for you to decide\u0026hellip;\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/stepped-up/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eNot sure how I\u0026rsquo;ve waited this long to mention it, but on the Saturday night I went down to Florida and we went out to a club, I found myself in a good old fashioned dance off. I guess as I was wobbling around acting retarded I bumped this guy\u0026rsquo;s chick in the arm. He got all pissed off and started calling me names and I screamed at him that his girlfriend was a stinky whore. He didn\u0026rsquo;t take too kindly to that. He began to motion for everyone to leave the dance floor. I guess he was friends with the DJ because it only took a complicated hand gesture from this dude to get that guy to start spinning Drop It Like It\u0026rsquo;s Hot by the great Mr. Snoop Dogg.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Stepped Up"},{"content":"I played volleyball with a toddler on Sunday. That was cool. I think he got hurt pretty bad.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/volleyball/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI played volleyball with a toddler on Sunday. That was cool. I think he got hurt pretty bad.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"babyvolleyball1.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/babyvolleyball1.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Volleyball"},{"content":"\nJust returned from my Florida weekend. Damn good times. Have many photos and some stellar videos to share. Off to bed right now. Thanks to Florida Joe, Florida Pat and Calgary \u0026ldquo;Hamster Dick\u0026rdquo; Matt!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/local-idiot-goes-to-florida-gains-20-pounds-encourages-dogs-to-shit-and-females-to-vacate-beach/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"floritease.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/floritease.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eJust returned from my Florida weekend. Damn good times. Have many photos and some stellar videos to share. Off to bed right now. Thanks to Florida Joe, Florida Pat and Calgary \u0026ldquo;Hamster Dick\u0026rdquo; Matt!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Local idiot goes to Florida, gains 20 pounds, encourages dogs to shit and females to vacate beach"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/florida-2008/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Florida 2008"},{"content":"Not around right now. Haven\u0026rsquo;t posted any of Beth\u0026rsquo;s wrestling domination in a while so here\u0026rsquo;s her latest RAW match. She makes fun of Mickie James for crying earlier. I made fun of Mickie James for crying too but aside from that one eye-level tile in the shower I don\u0026rsquo;t think anyone saw it.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/saturday-night-robo-post/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eNot around right now. Haven\u0026rsquo;t posted any of Beth\u0026rsquo;s wrestling domination in a while so here\u0026rsquo;s her latest RAW match. She makes fun of Mickie James for crying earlier. I made fun of Mickie James for crying too but aside from that one eye-level tile in the shower I don\u0026rsquo;t think anyone saw it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Saturday night robo-post"},{"content":"So I was supposed to leave for Florida today. Weather ruined that. Flight was canceled. Nothing left all day or tomorrow morning. Re-booked for tomorrow evening.\nSouthwest airlines customer service lady Peggy had a deep Southern accent. She was helpful and seemed sincerely sorry. The next dude had an unintelligible name and an even deeper accent. He acted like he was making a huge batch of deer jerky and was in a rush to tend to it. Last call was to a soulful woman named Linda. She was efficient without being overly gracious. My requests were all met and she even gave me a giggle by pretending the adjustment of my return flight required senior approval. Oh Linda, you are a magical delight. I hope when you get home your husband treats you to a choke-free Friday. You\u0026rsquo;ve earned it.\nSo since the wife went off with the ladies to the States to put a dent in the credit card, I sat home and saw how much shit I could eat. The answer? Quite a bit. While munching I received 3 telemarketing calls. First was from a robo-machine that wanted me to take a survey for free cruise tickets. Second was dead silence. Third was from what sounded like a somewhat attractive younger female. Possibly a raver. She said she wanted to give me an estimate on windows and eaves trough coverings, but I could tell the whole time she was thinking about getting over to her boyfriend\u0026rsquo;s for a fuck and some ecstasy.\nWeather\u0026rsquo;s supposed to be good tomorrow. Let\u0026rsquo;s see if I can\u0026rsquo;t get the hell outta Dodge and smack into the middle of an old school Florida tickle fight. Booyah!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/cletus-flies-a-plane/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo I was supposed to leave for Florida today. Weather ruined that. Flight was canceled. Nothing left all day or tomorrow morning. Re-booked for tomorrow evening.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSouthwest airlines customer service lady Peggy had a deep Southern accent. She was helpful and seemed sincerely sorry. The next dude had an unintelligible name and an even deeper accent. He acted like he was making a huge batch of deer jerky and was in a rush to tend to it. Last call was to a soulful woman named Linda. She was efficient without being overly gracious. My requests were all met and she even gave me a giggle by pretending the adjustment of my return flight required senior approval. Oh Linda, you are a magical delight. I hope when you get home your husband treats you to a choke-free Friday. You\u0026rsquo;ve earned it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Cletus Flies A Plane"},{"content":"In a former life I was a cigar cutter living on a remote mountainside in Europe. Everyday I\u0026rsquo;d have a basket of berries and cheese delivered to me. Having no digestive system, I told the delivery boy \u0026ldquo;No thanks\u0026rdquo; and asked that he not waste his time visiting me. He acknowledged that he understood, but each day would return as though we\u0026rsquo;d never had that discussion.\nA few years went by and I felt my springs weakening from age and lack of use. I decided it was time for one final cut.\nThe delivery boy showed up one warm Sunday evening and after refusing the items, I suggested he pull up a rock. I told him that I wanted to share the beginnings of a stand-up act I\u0026rsquo;d been developing that was a little Jerry Seinfeld and a whole lot Carrot Top. About five jokes deep I approached a punch line and asked the boy to throw a raspberry into my cutting hole. I pretended he\u0026rsquo;d thrown it wrong and asked him to do it again. As he reached through me to get the berry, I clamped down with all my might. I cut that generous boy in two. He was severed diagonally between the shoulder blades and just below his heart. Loosely translated, his last words were, \u0026ldquo;I don\u0026rsquo;t blame you for doing this.\u0026rdquo;\nBefore I took my own life later that night, I had a dream about a fat Canadian guy who one day went to Calgary. The fat guy recorded some footage while he was there, then stuck it away in his attic and when the internet was later invented, he put it there. Well, here:\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/cigar-cutter/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eIn a former life I was a cigar cutter living on a remote mountainside in Europe. Everyday I\u0026rsquo;d have a basket of berries and cheese delivered to me. Having no digestive system, I told the delivery boy \u0026ldquo;No thanks\u0026rdquo; and asked that he not waste his time visiting me. He acknowledged that he understood, but each day would return as though we\u0026rsquo;d never had that discussion.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA few years went by and I felt my springs weakening from age and lack of use. I decided it was time for one final cut.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Cigar cutter"},{"content":"During my brief stint as a worthless human being in late \u0026lsquo;95, early \u0026lsquo;96, I had a notion to write an autobiography. It was going to be called \u0026ldquo;This Mind of Mine,\u0026rdquo; because at the time I thought I was smarter and better than everyone. I now realize that I may not be and that coming up with such a title proves I\u0026rsquo;ve got problems. What was this book going to be about? I suppose it was going to detail my late night sub feedings and the time I ate two Burger King chicken sandwiches and threw up. It was probably going to conclude with the tale of me eating 3 full tubes of Pringles and then (again) throwing up. The preface would later be written by my future college roommate \u0026ldquo;Poobag.\u0026rdquo; He was going to write about my first ever experience with the \u0026ldquo;Century Club\u0026rdquo; drinking game where the grand finale saw me run to the washroom and throw up. You know, the more I try to mock myself here, the more I think this is a fabulous idea. The book is back on, baby!!\nDriving to work today an 18 wheeler cut me off. I don\u0026rsquo;t fault him in the least and I think he was right to do it. Good for him.\nI returned to the scene of the Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s jelly-deli crime this morning. The punk kid wasn\u0026rsquo;t there and they had bagels for miles. I ordered one and rewarded the drive-thru lady with 50 cents. She thanked me like I\u0026rsquo;d rescued her son from a shark tank. Ironically, I passed by her kid on the way to work. He was walking near a shark tank and I laid on my horn. Stupid fucker fell right in. I\u0026rsquo;d have helped him but the toasty goodness of that Everything bagel had me hypnotized. I don\u0026rsquo;t know where they grow Everythings, but it must be a dreamy place.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/39-pages-of-bullshit/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eDuring my brief stint as a worthless human being in late \u0026lsquo;95, early \u0026lsquo;96, I had a notion to write an autobiography. It was going to be called \u0026ldquo;This Mind of Mine,\u0026rdquo; because at the time I thought I was smarter and better than everyone. I now realize that I may not be and that coming up with such a title proves I\u0026rsquo;ve got problems. What was this book going to be about? I suppose it was going to detail my late night sub feedings and the time I ate two Burger King chicken sandwiches and threw up. It was probably going to conclude with the tale of me eating 3 full tubes of Pringles and then (again) throwing up. The preface would later be written by my future college roommate \u0026ldquo;Poobag.\u0026rdquo; He was going to write about my first ever experience with the \u0026ldquo;Century Club\u0026rdquo; drinking game where the grand finale saw me run to the washroom and throw up. You know, the more I try to mock myself here, the more I think this is a fabulous idea. The book is back on, baby!!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"39 pages of bullshit"},{"content":"Assembled the garbage the other night and found myself with one large bag of refuse that wouldn\u0026rsquo;t fit into the garbage can. I lost a couple hours of sleep over it, but I was eventually able to drift off once the rye kicked in.\nWoke the next morning and prepared to head off to work. As I stood in the driveway, I took a look next door and saw that they only had one small can of garbage at the curb and neither of their vehicles were present. I looked around to be sure no other neighbours were watching, said a couple Hail Mary\u0026rsquo;s and hastily tossed the bag by their driveway. I then got the hell outta there. Everything seems to have worked out just fine. I mean, everything worked out fine for me but the Baltic hooker I had stuffed into that bag might have quite a different tale to tell. A different tale indeed!\nStopped at Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s on the way out of work. Ordered a bagel. Heard a reply that sounded like, \u0026ldquo;We don\u0026rsquo;t have any jelly.\u0026rdquo; Asked the chick to repeat it and it sounded the same. I said back, \u0026ldquo;You\u0026rsquo;re all out of jelly?\u0026rdquo; and she laughed and said, \u0026ldquo;We don\u0026rsquo;t have anything in the deli.\u0026rdquo; Listen toots, I\u0026rsquo;ll come by Monday around 6 o\u0026rsquo;clock. They\u0026rsquo;ll be a 50 cent tip in it for you if there\u0026rsquo;s a creamy bagel waiting for me and you\u0026rsquo;ve found a doctor to fix your sloppy yapper and shitty personality.\nIn related news, I\u0026rsquo;m trying a new Jamaican patty and pudding diet. Wish me luck!\nAnd yes, that IS a bottle of Red Hot behind the tasty snack. No, it will NOT end up in the pudding. At least I don\u0026rsquo;t intend for it to end up there, but accidents do happen\u0026hellip;\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/you-should-have-had-a-sub/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAssembled the garbage the other night and found myself with one large bag of refuse that wouldn\u0026rsquo;t fit into the garbage can. I lost a couple hours of sleep over it, but I was eventually able to drift off once the rye kicked in.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWoke the next morning and prepared to head off to work. As I stood in the driveway, I took a look next door and saw that they only had one small can of garbage at the curb and neither of their vehicles were present. I looked around to be sure no other neighbours were watching, said a couple Hail Mary\u0026rsquo;s and hastily tossed the bag by their driveway. I then got the hell outta there. Everything seems to have worked out just fine. I mean, everything worked out fine for me but the Baltic hooker I had stuffed into that bag might have quite a different tale to tell. A different tale indeed!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"You should have had a sub"},{"content":"Back in the Summer of \u0026lsquo;69 I got into a fight with a girl. I wouldn\u0026rsquo;t say I\u0026rsquo;m proud of it, but it was pretty awesome. Right when she thought she had me, I headbutted her. Knocked her out cold. Her Mom came over and started hitting me with a broom just as I was about to start pissing on her daughter\u0026rsquo;s stiff teenage frame. She was right to do it.\nWhat else happened that year? Oh yeah, I was going through a McDonald\u0026rsquo;s drive thru and saw a crab sitting on the edge of a garbage can. The crab was trying to remain as still as possible lest I find him and eat him, but he wasn\u0026rsquo;t fooling me. I grabbed a pair of nail clippers from the glove compartment and threw them. Hit the crab right near where his ear would be if a crab had ears. It turned out it wasn\u0026rsquo;t a crab but a brown paper bag with a dirty napkin sticking out of it. In the end we all realized the exhaust pipe in my \u0026lsquo;65 Chevelle had a massive leak. Doctors said the prolonged exposure to carbon monoxide took 10 years off my life, so I punched the doctors out and then pissed on them.\nLater that year in the Winter of \u0026lsquo;69 I was just getting released from jail. While in jail I got pretty depressed because none of my cellmates tried to rape me. I saw my good buds Rot Crotch McIntyre and No Nose Steve get repeatedly invaded without mercy, but I didn\u0026rsquo;t get so much as a toe stuck in me. I came to the conclusion that even inmates have standards. I sunk into a deep depression a few weeks after they let me out. A depression that culminated in me dressing up as a mentally impaired Wonder Woman and drinking Drano on New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve. Some would say it was the best New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve ever, but I can\u0026rsquo;t say that because it really, really hurt.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/1969/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eBack in the Summer of \u0026lsquo;69 I got into a fight with a girl. I wouldn\u0026rsquo;t say I\u0026rsquo;m proud of it, but it was pretty awesome. Right when she thought she had me, I headbutted her. Knocked her out cold. Her Mom came over and started hitting me with a broom just as I was about to start pissing on her daughter\u0026rsquo;s stiff teenage frame. She was right to do it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"1969"},{"content":"Woke this morning and put on my Monday\u0026rsquo;s finest. Headed out around twenty to nine. Planned to stop in the Falls for gas but started day dreaming of what I might smell like on the inside and ended up driving right by. Stopped a bit later on in Beamsville where I celebrated the frigid weather with a coffee and bagel. I tipped the girl 4 cents and drove away with my head held high.\nGot to work and skillfully avoided walking in with people I knew who arrived at the same time. See, what I do is look down at my crotch and count the teeth on my zipper. Everyone assumes I\u0026rsquo;m tapping away on my Blackberry or knitting my cat some boots and they go on their way. If I end up having to accompany them in then the energy I expend pretending to like them just drains me. It drains me to the point where I\u0026rsquo;m not sure I can get out of my chair, waddle to the kitchen, grab the half-and-half, lock myself in the bathroom, turn out the lights and slam that fucker back. And yet, somehow I always dig deep and get the job done. Guess my 5th grade teacher was only half right when he called me a \u0026ldquo;lazy queer.\u0026rdquo;\nHad a second cup of Joe at work and my gut felt like burning. Dowsed those flames with some soup and tuna. It didn\u0026rsquo;t work. Andrew supplied me with some almonds. That didn\u0026rsquo;t help either. Got home and Kat had some homemade soup and mini cheese-bacon sandwiches waiting for me. That did it.\nSo I have to get up at 3:30 so I can leave around 4. Get to work by 6. Be annoyed with everyone by 7. Take a dump around Noon and head home about 1. Get home about 3 and start drinking rye and gingers like I\u0026rsquo;m dying and they\u0026rsquo;re the cure. I guess metaphors aren\u0026rsquo;t really metaphors when they\u0026rsquo;re literally true. Meh, time for a drink.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/creamy-dave/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke this morning and put on my Monday\u0026rsquo;s finest. Headed out around twenty to nine. Planned to stop in the Falls for gas but started day dreaming of what I might smell like on the inside and ended up driving right by. Stopped a bit later on in Beamsville where I celebrated the frigid weather with a coffee and bagel. I tipped the girl 4 cents and drove away with my head held high.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Creamy Dave"},{"content":"Took a few days off because I got stuck in the freezer. Opened it up for a frosty snack and thought I saw something waving at me from behind the ice cubes. Reached way in and got my watch stuck on the tray holder. Dogs, cats and wife walked by me a good 60 to 80 times and none of them cared to dislodge me. None of them owe me a thing, so I wasn\u0026rsquo;t really surprised.\nHeard a complaint recently that there hasn\u0026rsquo;t been any video content on here in a while. This should make up for it. Took some shit up to the attic this afternoon and unearthed a stockpile of videotapes that I\u0026rsquo;d long forgotten. This one\u0026rsquo;s dedicated to Luc, Adam and Allison. God bless them for socializing with such an awkward, pimply guy with enormous glasses.\nThis was a video we did for French class in 1994. It\u0026rsquo;s about a trip to France. It makes little sense as it\u0026rsquo;s suppose to be us speaking only French, but we didn\u0026rsquo;t always feel like it. Production values are weak, but we had little to work with and little motivation. Enjoy!\nAlarming, isn\u0026rsquo;t it? Shortly after that I replaced that zit goatee with an actual goatee and never looked back!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/just-chillin/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eTook a few days off because I got stuck in the freezer. Opened it up for a frosty snack and thought I saw something waving at me from behind the ice cubes. Reached way in and got my watch stuck on the tray holder. Dogs, cats and wife walked by me a good 60 to 80 times and none of them cared to dislodge me. None of them owe me a thing, so I wasn\u0026rsquo;t really surprised.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Just chillin'"},{"content":"I had a dream last night. I was driving a very large pickup (it was a British model as I was in a right-side driver\u0026rsquo;s seat). I was taking my Mom and brothers out to buy a humidifier. We went to a store where an inconsiderate salesman gave us the run around and refused to help us. I told him off and then told the family that we should go somewhere else. We headed outside and loaded ourselves into the truck. As I was getting ready to pull away, I saw the salesman approaching my door. I said, \u0026ldquo;Well, here we go\u0026rdquo; and exited the truck ready to throw down. The guy was quite animated and explained that he doesn\u0026rsquo;t make much commission on humidifiers and that\u0026rsquo;s why he wasn\u0026rsquo;t paying us much attention. That part of the dream ended and I then found myself driving the pickup around a carnival or circus. I\u0026rsquo;d look all this up in a dream book, but it\u0026rsquo;s certain to suggest that I\u0026rsquo;m gay. Let\u0026rsquo;s just say I\u0026rsquo;m gay and save me the time to find that book.\nGot home to find a letter from Enbridge saying that they want proof that I\u0026rsquo;ve taken care of my furnace venting situation. They want me to fax them a copy of the invoice. Well, you think I could find the fucking thing? Looked everywhere. Had myself convinced that it must\u0026rsquo;ve been recycled and that Kat was the one who did it. I was about to unleash a fury of f, c, i and s words on her when I thought I\u0026rsquo;d take another look in the office. Ended up finding it had fallen down beside the filing cabinet. You find it hard to believe that anyone could be enough of an a-hole to curse at a pregnant woman? Well you really don\u0026rsquo;t know me at all then, do you?\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/im-raw-meat/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI had a dream last night. I was driving a very large pickup (it was a British model as I was in a right-side driver\u0026rsquo;s seat). I was taking my Mom and brothers out to buy a humidifier. We went to a store where an inconsiderate salesman gave us the run around and refused to help us. I told him off and then told the family that we should go somewhere else. We headed outside and loaded ourselves into the truck. As I was getting ready to pull away, I saw the salesman approaching my door. I said, \u0026ldquo;Well, here we go\u0026rdquo; and exited the truck ready to throw down. The guy was quite animated and explained that he doesn\u0026rsquo;t make much commission on humidifiers and that\u0026rsquo;s why he wasn\u0026rsquo;t paying us much attention. That part of the dream ended and I then found myself driving the pickup around a carnival or circus. I\u0026rsquo;d look all this up in a dream book, but it\u0026rsquo;s certain to suggest that I\u0026rsquo;m gay. Let\u0026rsquo;s just say I\u0026rsquo;m gay and save me the time to find that book.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I'm raw meat"},{"content":"This, the fifteenth of January on the 2008th year of modern days began early in the village of Fort Erie. I woketh at 4:30. Took a showereth. I plowed down a small tub of heavily-sauced macaroni salad in the car. I drove 20 minutes to the gas station where I quietly polished off that tub and disposed of the container in the garbage. No one will know my delicious secret but you. Please don\u0026rsquo;t tell anyone. Doc says I\u0026rsquo;m supposed to be limiting my mayonnaise intake. Doc also says that thing on my back is a \u0026ldquo;serious concern\u0026rdquo; though I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure it\u0026rsquo;s just a bit of Crispy Crunch. You know I like the Crispy Crunch. Used to be my favourite until Skor came along. Where did you come from, Skor and where were you when I needed you most? Off practicing your badminton skills, huh? Well where the heck did that get you? Exactly nowhere if I\u0026rsquo;m not mistaken. But cheer up. You can still lay hardwood with the best of \u0026rsquo;em.\nGot to work shortly before 7. Caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wow, did I ever look like I took a nasty spill down a flight of stairs. Disheveled to the extreme. No big deal, but when I realized shortly thereafter that I had also put on blue socks with black pants and black shoes, well, I was devastated. I took a trip down to the public shitter where I sat and listened to terrifying noises from the worst humans society has to offer. That cheered me up. I mean, it really sounds like these people are ridding their bodies of crucial organs in a painful frenzy of shrieks and moans. But good luck to them and I thank them for donating their kids\u0026rsquo; college money to pay my salary.\nCame home and Kat said the dog saw a mouse in the basement. We sicked the cat on it, but she came up empty. Kat then thought she should check on the hamsters. Well, guess what? The cage was broken and one had escaped. Good lord kitty, stand down! Tossed the kitty outta the way and went under the basement stairs. Found the little fella washing up behind a cardboard box. Reached down to pick her up and she unleashed her claws of fury on me. I lobbed her to Kat and called it a success. As I walked away, the kitty was clearly upset that I\u0026rsquo;d called off the hunt and she cried out to me, \u0026ldquo;Let\u0026rsquo;s see what you got!\u0026rdquo; I threw a boot at her and came upstairs to make dinner. That was about an hour ago. I gotta assume she\u0026rsquo;s trapped between the boot and the furnace, which in all likelihood explains what I\u0026rsquo;m now smelling. Daddy\u0026rsquo;s sorry.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-barnhardt-under-the-stairs/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThis, the fifteenth of January on the 2008th year of modern days began early in the village of Fort Erie. I woketh at 4:30. Took a showereth. I plowed down a small tub of heavily-sauced macaroni salad in the car. I drove 20 minutes to the gas station where I quietly polished off that tub and disposed of the container in the garbage. No one will know my delicious secret but you. Please don\u0026rsquo;t tell anyone. Doc says I\u0026rsquo;m supposed to be limiting my mayonnaise intake. Doc also says that thing on my back is a \u0026ldquo;serious concern\u0026rdquo; though I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure it\u0026rsquo;s just a bit of Crispy Crunch. You know I like the Crispy Crunch. Used to be my favourite until Skor came along. Where did you come from, Skor and where were you when I needed you most? Off practicing your badminton skills, huh? Well where the heck did that get you? Exactly nowhere if I\u0026rsquo;m not mistaken. But cheer up. You can still lay hardwood with the best of \u0026rsquo;em.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The Barnhardt Under The Stairs"},{"content":"To the guy who cut me off on the highway: Hi. How ya doin\u0026rsquo;? Oh, hey, guess what\u0026hellip; your wife has syphilis. How do I know? How do you think I know? Do I really think she deserved it? I dunno. I don\u0026rsquo;t concern myself with those details. Have a good night and say hello to your whore daughter for me.\nAnother day at work, another 8 dollars in the bank. I high-fived three people today and you all know who you are. You all should probably realize that I spent the better part of the morning pulling black fluff off my wang. That\u0026rsquo;s pretty disgusting, I know. Being me isn\u0026rsquo;t fun. It\u0026rsquo;s a flabby, stinky thrill ride, but that doesn\u0026rsquo;t really equate to \u0026ldquo;fun.\u0026rdquo;\nI went out to Subway for lunch. A woman in a full burqa with only her eyes exposed came in after me. I went about eating my cold cut combo and thought little of it. However, I really, really hoped she\u0026rsquo;d sit down and go for a huge bite of her sweet onion chicken teriyaki and forget to first uncover her mouth. She\u0026rsquo;d giggle with embarrassment and try to quickly wipe the sweet onion sauce from the black fabric. Our eyes would then meet and I\u0026rsquo;d point out the honey mustard stain on my shirt. We\u0026rsquo;d share a giggle and then go back to her place where we\u0026rsquo;d watch a Hugh Grant romantic comedy, eat popcorn balls and I\u0026rsquo;d pay her to burn me with cigarettes.\nJust saw a trailer for the movie Untraceable. If you haven\u0026rsquo;t already seen it, here.\nIt\u0026rsquo;s about a website where a guy is dying and as the number of visitors to the site increases, the faster he dies. (Sounds familiar, doesn\u0026rsquo;t it? I MEAN, HOW MANY BIG MACS DO I HAVE TO EAT TO KEEP YOU PEOPLE ENTERTAINED?!?!) I hear there\u0026rsquo;s a scene where one of the victims (who happens to be enormous and wear glasses) goes to the bathroom for a number 2 and eats two cream-cheesed bagels while he\u0026rsquo;s in there. He then takes a pee in the sink, blow dries his hair and applies cover-up to his pimples before putting on two pairs of underwear and heading out. Thanks, Sony. You\u0026rsquo;ll be hearing from my lawyers.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/thanks-for-the-love-put-it-over-there/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eTo the guy who cut me off on the highway: Hi. How ya doin\u0026rsquo;? Oh, hey, guess what\u0026hellip; your wife has syphilis. How do I know? How do you think I know? Do I really think she deserved it? I dunno. I don\u0026rsquo;t concern myself with those details. Have a good night and say hello to your whore daughter for me.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnother day at work, another 8 dollars in the bank. I high-fived three people today and you all know who you are. You all should probably realize that I spent the better part of the morning pulling black fluff off my wang. That\u0026rsquo;s pretty disgusting, I know. Being me isn\u0026rsquo;t fun. It\u0026rsquo;s a flabby, stinky thrill ride, but that doesn\u0026rsquo;t really equate to \u0026ldquo;fun.\u0026rdquo;\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Thanks for the love. Put it over there."},{"content":"Enough of the stupid McDonald\u0026rsquo;s stories. Enough whining and moaning about furnaces, a little winter cold and going back to fucking work. Everyone has expensive shit to buy for their house. Everyone gets sick. And every fucking person I know (aside from Tampa Joe) has a job they have to go to. What the World really wants to know is about the real me and just why I\u0026rsquo;m so awesome.\nSo who the hell am I? I\u0026rsquo;m the guy who cried when he watched Ghost. I\u0026rsquo;m the guy who had detention exactly twice in grade school: once for kicking someone in the stomach and once for slamming two kids heads together on the bus. I\u0026rsquo;m the guy who got his finger stuck firmly in a garage door and then screamed like a bitch until his brother came and helped. I\u0026rsquo;m the guy who rode an ATV and jumped off mid ride and expected it to not run into a tree and flip over only to lie on the ground and watch it do just that. I\u0026rsquo;m the guy who rented an apartment and during the move-in decided it didn\u0026rsquo;t feel right and proceeded to walk away from a $1700 deposit. $1700?! I know, that\u0026rsquo;s like 850 Whoppers!\nThat\u0026rsquo;s it? No, visitor, that\u0026rsquo;s not it. I\u0026rsquo;m a trendsetter. In the early nineties, I was one of the first to fall in love with the show Seinfeld and it took several years for the rest of the World to follow. In late 1998, I got in on the ground floor of the whole MP3 craze and began to download all the best that the rap genre had to offer. Guy-on-guy gay stuff when you\u0026rsquo;re drinking? I invented that in very late 1999. The phrase, \u0026ldquo;that\u0026rsquo;s what she said\u0026rdquo; was the title of a short story I wrote in grade 2. Yeah, you\u0026rsquo;re welcome.\nBut really, I think we all know exactly who I am. A fat man with few ambitions and a stomach full of half-raw burger meat. A guy who hasn\u0026rsquo;t weighed under 200 pounds since he was 12. I am Fort Erie Dave and you\u0026rsquo;re my biggest fan. God bless you. God bless you and your fancy shoes.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/yeah-it-is-cool/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eEnough of the stupid McDonald\u0026rsquo;s stories. Enough whining and moaning about furnaces, a little winter cold and going back to fucking work. Everyone has expensive shit to buy for their house. Everyone gets sick. And every fucking person I know (aside from Tampa Joe) has a job they have to go to. What the World really wants to know is about the real me and just why I\u0026rsquo;m so awesome.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Yeah, it is cool"},{"content":"\nMy bi-yearly McDonald\u0026rsquo;s coupons came today. They were waiting for me when I got home, so I grabbed them, pushed past my wife and ran into the bathroom where I tore into them like an eager child on Christmas morn'.\nSee, what I do is go to McDonald\u0026rsquo;s and get the two-can-dine deal. Do two dine? No. Just me. I go to a McDonald\u0026rsquo;s location where I won\u0026rsquo;t see anyone whose opinion I value. I order a Big Mac meal with an ice tea, then give a thoughtful pause and proceed to order a Quarter Pounder meal with a Diet Coke (I figure the two vastly different beverage choices will throw the counter person off my trail; if I feel they\u0026rsquo;re not buying it, I lean in and deliver a, \u0026ldquo;Ya know, the wife likes the Diet Coke\u0026rdquo; and this seals the deal). I conclude by throwing them the two-can-dine coupon as though my financials don\u0026rsquo;t really demand that I use it, moreso that I\u0026rsquo;m a considerate consumer who wants to support their marketing campaign. I then take both the meals and waddle rapidly towards the car.\nThe next step isn\u0026rsquo;t as easy as you\u0026rsquo;d think. I take great pains in finding a place to park that will offer me the solitude and serenity that such a gruesome undertaking deserves. Most recently, I drove up beside a quiet section of the Welland Canal. It was raining. Perfect. Very few passers by to interfere. And yet, this was a busy enough area that I had some entertaining visuals while I double fisted the two sandwiches into some unholy Big Quarter Mac Pounder amalgam that would make Ronald shed tears of blood.\nTypically when I\u0026rsquo;ve completed this task, I feel emotionally and physically drained. Disposing of the horrifying aftermath has to happen fast, otherwise the reality that a 30-year-old man is acting like a spoiled 13 year old would take hold. I\u0026rsquo;ve never let it reach that point, but I gotta figure that following that last performance the murky depths of the Welland Canal would have been one fat-guy-in-a-Toyota richer. More often than not, the McRefuse gets driven to a Niagara Parkway rest stop where it\u0026rsquo;s unceremoniously tossed from my window into a waste bin.\nOnly thing left is to return home. Once there it seems I always find myself greeted with a, \u0026ldquo;Dinner\u0026rsquo;s ready.\u0026rdquo; Now, if I don\u0026rsquo;t eat, the jig is up, so Barnhardt does what Barnhardt has to do. He won\u0026rsquo;t look the fool. Not like this.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-park-in-dark-places-and-do-bad-things/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"mccoupons.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/mccoupons.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMy bi-yearly McDonald\u0026rsquo;s coupons came today. They were waiting for me when I got home, so I grabbed them, pushed past my wife and ran into the bathroom where I tore into them like an eager child on Christmas morn'.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSee, what I do is go to McDonald\u0026rsquo;s and get the two-can-dine deal. Do two dine? No. Just me. I go to a McDonald\u0026rsquo;s location where I won\u0026rsquo;t see anyone whose opinion I value. I order a Big Mac meal with an ice tea, then give a thoughtful pause and proceed to order a Quarter Pounder meal with a Diet Coke (I figure the two vastly different beverage choices will throw the counter person off my trail; if I feel they\u0026rsquo;re not buying it, I lean in and deliver a, \u0026ldquo;Ya know, the \u003cem\u003ewife\u003c/em\u003e likes the Diet Coke\u0026rdquo; and this seals the deal). I conclude by throwing them the two-can-dine coupon as though my financials don\u0026rsquo;t really demand that I use it, moreso that I\u0026rsquo;m a considerate consumer who wants to support their marketing campaign. I then take both the meals and waddle rapidly towards the car.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I park in dark places and do bad things"},{"content":"So it\u0026rsquo;s my first day back to work this morning since Dec. 19th. Oh what a glorious day that was. I had my second \u0026ldquo;on the house\u0026rdquo; Christmas lunch at work and Carolan, Barnea and New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve parties to look forward to. I didn\u0026rsquo;t have any Christmas shopping started, but did have a few solid empty days in which to do it. I knew that until this day, I would drive no further than St. Catharines, and by the hammer of Thor I\u0026rsquo;ve kept that promise.\nIn these past two and a half weeks, food tasted better. The air seemed fresher. I had more energy and self confidence than I ever dreamed of. And this morning that all comes to a screeching halt. With a mild cold still lingering and the promise of a fantastically annoying day, ney week, to come, I can do nothing but relax and let the hooks do their work.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/back-to-school/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo it\u0026rsquo;s my first day back to work this morning since Dec. 19th. Oh what a glorious day that was. I had my second \u0026ldquo;on the house\u0026rdquo; Christmas lunch at work and Carolan, Barnea and New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve parties to look forward to. I didn\u0026rsquo;t have any Christmas shopping started, but did have a few solid empty days in which to do it. I knew that until this day, I would drive no further than St. Catharines, and by the hammer of Thor I\u0026rsquo;ve kept that promise.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Back to school"},{"content":"Went to No Frills today and ran into good old Dan Zammit. Near the pork loins, we discussed life, love and shared our favourite cookie recipes. He promised to come over later tonight to do my hair, but I gotta figure he was lying because it\u0026rsquo;s just me, some sinus pain and the dogs.\nPicked up some veggie burgers at M\u0026amp;M\u0026rsquo;s. No, I\u0026rsquo;m not a vegetarian and no, I don\u0026rsquo;t like guys. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course, that\u0026rsquo;s what Jeff said when he kissed Scott, so I should look for a better argument. Anyway, seemed like the longer I barbecued the burgers, the more like dead monkey scrote they looked. Barnhardt-sized portions of ketchup and mayonnaise couldn\u0026rsquo;t make them enjoyable. So I grabbed the Heavenly Hash fudge I got in my stocking and went at it like a lion on a gazelle. Then I felt better.\nI\u0026rsquo;d say I\u0026rsquo;m on Day 2 of about a 5-day cold. Aches and pains and all the trimmings. Two nights in a row Kat\u0026rsquo;s loaded me full of NyQuil. She\u0026rsquo;s either actually concerned for my well being or just tired of hearing my voice. Either way, I slept well. And I hope there\u0026rsquo;s more drugs for tonight, cuz I\u0026rsquo;m gonna need \u0026rsquo;em.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/head-mucus-saturday/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWent to No Frills today and ran into good old Dan Zammit. Near the pork loins, we discussed life, love and shared our favourite cookie recipes. He promised to come over later tonight to do my hair, but I gotta figure he was lying because it\u0026rsquo;s just me, some sinus pain and the dogs.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePicked up some veggie burgers at M\u0026amp;M\u0026rsquo;s. No, I\u0026rsquo;m not a vegetarian and no, I don\u0026rsquo;t like guys. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course, that\u0026rsquo;s what Jeff said when he kissed Scott, so I should look for a better argument. Anyway, seemed like the longer I barbecued the burgers, the more like dead monkey scrote they looked. Barnhardt-sized portions of ketchup and mayonnaise couldn\u0026rsquo;t make them enjoyable. So I grabbed the Heavenly Hash fudge I got in my stocking and went at it like a lion on a gazelle. Then I felt better.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Head mucus Saturday"},{"content":"Woke to find that I\u0026rsquo;m now smack dab in the middle of a terrific illness. Throat, sinus, head. Yep, as good as it gets. To celebrate, I did nothing.\nVisited the monster horse briefly this afternoon and did some shopping with Kat. Came home and she whipped me up some Buffalo fingers which sadly contain no Buffalo and no fingers. They do, however, provide an extremely efficient delivery method for unhealthy amounts of blue cheese, so I approve.\nWent downstairs to do some laundry. Little bit of a nasty odour coming from the floor drain has returned. Usually happens in the Winter. Think I one time saw a mouse disappear down that hole. My solution was to flooed that f\u0026rsquo;n hole with enough bleach to fill a bathtub. Turned that little fucker\u0026rsquo;s underground lair from a cozy hideaway to a tunnel of bleachy, agonizing death. I cried myself to sleep that night.\nNow watching TV, eating chocolate-covered cashews and drinking Heineken. Called my personal trainer to tell her that I wouldn\u0026rsquo;t be coming over tomorrow. For some reason the gruff man who answered said he didn\u0026rsquo;t know what the hell I was talking about. He said that if I called again he\u0026rsquo;d get the cops after me. I think these cashews might be bad.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/average-bear/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke to find that I\u0026rsquo;m now smack dab in the middle of a terrific illness. Throat, sinus, head. Yep, as good as it gets. To celebrate, I did nothing.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eVisited the monster horse briefly this afternoon and did some shopping with Kat. Came home and she whipped me up some Buffalo fingers which sadly contain no Buffalo and no fingers. They do, however, provide an extremely efficient delivery method for unhealthy amounts of blue cheese, so I approve.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Average bear"},{"content":"Woke this morning to hearing my cell phone ringing at 7 am. Two calls from a 516 number. No message. Don\u0026rsquo;t know who you are, but thanks for almost ruining my slumber. I hope when I didn\u0026rsquo;t answer you ran outside and stepped in front of a school bus. The result? Your body was almost unrecognizable. When the sobbing kids ran from the bus, one of them slipped on your body fluids and landed square on your nards. Then he laughed. Then he threw up. Then he took your wallet and rode his bike to Zellers where he had to buy his Mom some tampons and microwave popcorn.\nDidn\u0026rsquo;t get up until 10 or so. Kat was working. I was not. Laid around. Lost a few bucks on Poker Room. Cleaned up a bit.\nHeaded off to the girl crotch doctor where we waited an hour and a half to get in. The doc then took Kat\u0026rsquo;s blood pressure and listened to the lovechild\u0026rsquo;s heartbeat. Still beating. Guess that\u0026rsquo;s good. All told we were in there for about 3 minutes. Thanks.\nWent over to the bro-in-law\u0026rsquo;s since we were in the neighbourhood. Threw his kids around a bit and didn\u0026rsquo;t hurt them. Wow. I\u0026rsquo;m losing my touch. Couple of them farted on me and that was our cue to leave. Before we did, I got a belated birthday gift \u0026ndash; a gift card for Red Lobster. Sweet merciful crap, that was a fantastic surprise.\nSo we then decided to go out for dinner to Red Lobster, oddly enough. I had the admiral\u0026rsquo;s feast (aye aye!). Caesar salad. Baked potato. \u0026ldquo;Do you want to try the new lobster topping for the baked potato?\u0026rdquo; Hmm. Does a cat make a weird face when it shits? Of course I do! And I did. And they charged me $3.99 plus tax for the experience. That G-damn lobster topping was worth the same as an entire Whopper Wednesday Whopper combo?! Your cheesy biscuits are the cat\u0026rsquo;s ass but your potato topping scam is unforgivable!!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/516/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke this morning to hearing my cell phone ringing at 7 am. Two calls from a 516 number. No message. Don\u0026rsquo;t know who you are, but thanks for almost ruining my slumber. I hope when I didn\u0026rsquo;t answer you ran outside and stepped in front of a school bus. The result? Your body was almost unrecognizable. When the sobbing kids ran from the bus, one of them slipped on your body fluids and landed square on your nards. Then he laughed. Then he threw up. Then he took your wallet and rode his bike to Zellers where he had to buy his Mom some tampons and microwave popcorn.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"516"},{"content":"New furnace install was completed today. The guys left about 11:30 am. Around Noon I heard a sound coming from the basement. Went down and the furnace told me to come closer, so I did. All of a sudden it manipulated it\u0026rsquo;s ducty appendages and bent me over with little effort. It then, well, violated me. I was beginning to feel like I was getting it up the ass, so I suppose it was fitting that I finally, literally, did. Wasn\u0026rsquo;t all bad. The furnace gave me a courtesy reach around about halfway through and at the end I was handed a small bundle of chocolates bound with ribbon. What colour ribbon? Red. I know, I know. I was speechless.\nCracked open the mini Heineken keg that the dogs got me for Christmas (apparently the dogs love when drunken daddy tries to tap them out with an arm bar at 4 am). It now resides on the top shelf right behind the milk. Opening the fridge creates quite the dilemma. Right now, I\u0026rsquo;m three glasses of Heineken deep but the fun\u0026rsquo;s really gonna begin when I introduce some 1% into the mix in about 10 minutes. My stomach, much like my wife, must hate me for what I do to it.\nHad to return a few Christmas items to the stores this afternoon. How\u0026rsquo;d I make out? Managed to make a couple bucks on the deal. How do I do it? How does anyone awesome do anything awesome? Exactly. You don\u0026rsquo;t need to know.\nAnother trip to the giney doctor tomorrow to get our monthly lovechild update. Let\u0026rsquo;s hope it\u0026rsquo;s a repeat of last time. I ask, \u0026ldquo;How\u0026rsquo;s my wife\u0026rsquo;s junk look?\u0026rdquo; and the doctor grins, leans over and gives me a spirited high five.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/sure-lets-do-this/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eNew furnace install was completed today. The guys left about 11:30 am. Around Noon I heard a sound coming from the basement. Went down and the furnace told me to come closer, so I did. All of a sudden it manipulated it\u0026rsquo;s ducty appendages and bent me over with little effort. It then, well, violated me. I was beginning to feel like I was getting it up the ass, so I suppose it was fitting that I finally, literally, did. Wasn\u0026rsquo;t all bad. The furnace gave me a courtesy reach around about halfway through and at the end I was handed a small bundle of chocolates bound with ribbon. What colour ribbon? Red. I know, I know. I was speechless.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Sure, let's do this"},{"content":"\nAfter taking a year off from the usual New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve debauchery, we once again gathered the masses, this time at the new Girdlestone pad. Check out the pictures by clicking on the erotic Stacie-on-Homer action up top!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/good-times-at-the-girdlestone-mansion/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/photos/new-years-eve-2007\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"img_0488.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/img_0488.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAfter taking a year off from the usual New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve debauchery, we once again gathered the masses, this time at the new Girdlestone pad. Check out the pictures by clicking on the erotic Stacie-on-Homer action up top!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Good times at the Girdlestone mansion"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/new-years-eve-2007/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2007"},{"content":"It\u0026rsquo;s the time of the year for lists, so here are my picks for the top 7 items on this site from 2007. READ ON!\n#7 - Bald Girdy\nYes, Jeff thought it was a little uncalled for (seeing as he isn\u0026rsquo;t actually this hairless), but it still puts a smile on my face. And really, that\u0026rsquo;s the goal of everything I do here: to make people smile and to make myself look like the double-fudge sundae eating moron that I am!\n#6 - GMA 2005 1/2 - Back to Get My Load\nThis is the 10-minute epic culmination of a long drinking session (that I unfortunately missed) from late 2005. This is one of nine videos that came out of that night and is definitely one of the most enjoyed. I took great pleasure working on it as it\u0026rsquo;s a wonderful showcase of the insanity of the people I call friends!\n#5 - The Beer Guy saga\nOn Wednesday, May 2nd, I made first contact with a dude transporting a full 2-4 of beer on his bike. You remember, the guy who was \u0026ldquo;so concerned about the safety of the beer that he rarely lifted his head to see where he was steering.\u0026rdquo; Yeah, he was awesome. In the end, I did kinda resent him and his presumed wife and concluded my post with, \u0026ldquo;I hope they both fall into a hole full of angry beavers with switchblades for arms.\u0026rdquo;\nSo this story grew a little more awesome when I spotted the dude again on May 25th. This time I made good use of my camera phone and captured him in all his glory.\nBut it didn\u0026rsquo;t end there. BMac, a friend of Jeff\u0026rsquo;s, captured a late Summer appearance of what was either the same dude or a close friend and snapped yet another photo. Forensic analysis of the photos would suggest it\u0026rsquo;s the same guy, but it makes little sense that he would have upgraded from Lucky to Blue.\nHope this poor bastard has a backup plan for the Winter months. Probably takes a cab to the Beer Store. But cabs cost money. He\u0026rsquo;ll have to put in some overtime at the cheese factory where he tops the Employees Most Likely to Come in on a Day off and Open Fire list.\n#4 - Shitty Pete\nA touching tale that really can\u0026rsquo;t be recapped, so here it is again in its entirety:\nOne day I was eating marshmallows from a garbage pail when out of one of the mallows crawled a house centipede. In the past I\u0026rsquo;d always erased these critters quickly, but I\u0026rsquo;d just gotten over a nasty bout of food poisoning and his charismatic gaze melted my weakened heart. It told me the story of a snowy December afternoon when it watched Back to the Future for the first time. Mischievous little guy had snuck into the theatre where he cozied up to a fat man\u0026rsquo;s Kodiak and fired up a Dunhill. I asked him if he shared my feelings that BTTF was one of the best movies of all time. He said he couldn\u0026rsquo;t agree more and we shared a smile.\nI called the little guy Gerald, though he insisted I call him Shitty Pete. We ate pizza together that night and watched 20/20 starring a young John Stossel. They were doing a story about breast cancer that really seemed to touch Gerald. I shut off the TV and poured us both some hot tea. Wouldn\u0026rsquo;t you know it, we didn\u0026rsquo;t stop talking and giggling \u0026rsquo;till dawn.\nAs the opening theme to Regis and Kelly ramped up, I looked over to see Gerald had fallen asleep. He sure was tired.\nI don\u0026rsquo;t remember how that day ended, only that as he left he patted my back and wished me well. He said we\u0026rsquo;d meet again, though we never did.\nGerald: It was real.\nAnd the enchanting music that accompanied it:\nYour browser does not support the audio element. #3 - Beth wins the Women\u0026rsquo;s title\nIt\u0026rsquo;s not too often that any of us accomplish, well, anything, so this really was quite awesome:\n#2 - Knocked Up\nThis is certainly the best news since the introduction of peanut butter and jam in the same jar!\n#1 - THE EPIC\nIt\u0026rsquo;s what got the whole site started back up again! Technically this was December 31st, 2006, but what the fuck you gonna do about it?!\nHope you all have a wild New Year\u0026rsquo;s and we\u0026rsquo;ll continue the retardation in 2008!!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/top-7-of-2007/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eIt\u0026rsquo;s the time of the year for lists, so here are my picks for the top 7 items on this site from 2007. READ ON!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e#7 - Bald Girdy\u003c/strong\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"baldgirdytop7.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/baldgirdytop7.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes, Jeff thought it was a little uncalled for (seeing as he isn\u0026rsquo;t actually this hairless), but it still puts a smile on my face. And really, that\u0026rsquo;s the goal of everything I do here: to make people smile and to make myself look like the double-fudge sundae eating moron that I am!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Top 7 of 2007!"},{"content":"Day One without hot water is really not going so well. It\u0026rsquo;s almost 9 pm and I still haven\u0026rsquo;t gotten cleaned up. Sure, I could take a drive to my Mom\u0026rsquo;s and take a shower, but who\u0026rsquo;s gonna keep an eye on my Dorito\u0026rsquo;s? And I have no where to be tonight, so I\u0026rsquo;m not too concerned. What I am a bit concerned about is the smell. I\u0026rsquo;m producing an odour that can best be described as that of a very old bike tire full of rotten cream cheese.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-have-no-hot-water/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eDay One without hot water is really not going so well. It\u0026rsquo;s almost 9 pm and I still haven\u0026rsquo;t gotten cleaned up. Sure, I could take a drive to my Mom\u0026rsquo;s and take a shower, but who\u0026rsquo;s gonna keep an eye on my Dorito\u0026rsquo;s? And I have no where to be tonight, so I\u0026rsquo;m not too concerned. What I am a bit concerned about is the smell. I\u0026rsquo;m producing an odour that can best be described as that of a very old bike tire full of rotten cream cheese.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I have no hot water"},{"content":"Back from the Barnea where I saw many a high school mate. Shout out to them all: Allison, Luc, Kevin, Dan, Beam, Bill, Bessie, Amy, Adam, Brian, Sean, Mike and the not-from-high school Jeff, Stacie and Sam. Almost didn\u0026rsquo;t go. Glad I did.\nHoliday sum up: Birthday went well. Another year older, only moderately fatter. Christmas was good too. Reasonable amount of food and no major family incidents. Boxing day was none too shabby. And the best day of all was yesterday when I did nothing. Still off work until the 7th, so I hope for more nothingness to come.\nWoke up this morning to a partially flooded basement. G damn water heater died and spilled it\u0026rsquo;s comforting nectar all over the floor. Called to get it fixed and they sent out a grizzly old man around 6. He said the heater would be replaced for free but that I\u0026rsquo;d need to bring my chimney up to code at the cost of about $450. Well, shit on me. The second kicker is that it can\u0026rsquo;t be done until Monday morning, so I\u0026rsquo;ve gotta take cold, fit-for-a-psycho showers all weekend. I\u0026rsquo;m thinking I may go stinky and just not leave the house. Come to think of it, that was my plan anyway.\nNext major event is New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve. Should be a good turnout and thanks to my powerful man seed I\u0026rsquo;ve got a willing and able designated driver. Can someone say, \u0026ldquo;it\u0026rsquo;s time for Dave to puke again\u0026rdquo;!? Well, whether they say it or not, this fat bastard\u0026rsquo;s gonna try his best!!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/trip-to-the-washroom-where-you-get-to-see-my-dick-place/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eBack from the Barnea where I saw many a high school mate. Shout out to them all: Allison, Luc, Kevin, Dan, Beam, Bill, Bessie, Amy, Adam, Brian, Sean, Mike and the not-from-high school Jeff, Stacie and Sam. Almost didn\u0026rsquo;t go. Glad I did.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHoliday sum up: Birthday went well. Another year older, only moderately fatter. Christmas was good too. Reasonable amount of food and no major family incidents. Boxing day was none too shabby. And the best day of all was yesterday when I did nothing. Still off work until the 7th, so I hope for more nothingness to come.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Trip to the \"washroom where you get to see my dick\" place"},{"content":"So here it is\u0026hellip; Merry Christmas!\nHope everyone has a good day tomorrow. My plan is to eat breakfast. Open some gifts. Open some more gifts. Eat lunch. Take a nap. Eat dinner. Open more gifts. Then home to bed.\nFor now, we\u0026rsquo;ve got all the gifts wrapped so I\u0026rsquo;m just in the middle of my yearly obligatory watching of It\u0026rsquo;s A Wonderful Life. Did everyone see the original, uncut ending? Well, I present it here now!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/merry-christmas-to-all/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo here it is\u0026hellip; Merry Christmas!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHope everyone has a good day tomorrow. My plan is to eat breakfast. Open some gifts. Open some more gifts. Eat lunch. Take a nap. Eat dinner. Open more gifts. Then home to bed.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFor now, we\u0026rsquo;ve got all the gifts wrapped so I\u0026rsquo;m just in the middle of my yearly obligatory watching of It\u0026rsquo;s A Wonderful Life. Did everyone see the original, uncut ending? Well, I present it here now!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Merry Christmas to all"},{"content":"\nYou know what, I gotta take back my suggestion that Jeff might like guys. This photo from Festivus 2004 demolishes that theory. Unless he was drunk, but I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure he drove, so that can\u0026rsquo;t be. Yep. Gay.\nWe haven\u0026rsquo;t celebrated this greatest of days in 3 years. Check out a few pictures here. That night we gathered at the Spoar loft for some drinking and feats of strength, including the hotly contested \u0026ldquo;pole twist\u0026rdquo;:\nJeff beat me quite easily, once again demonstrating that if it\u0026rsquo;s shaped like a penis, he can manipulate it like a champ.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/a-festivus-for-the-rest-of-us/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"img_5072.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/img_5072.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou know what, I gotta take back my suggestion that Jeff might like guys. This photo from Festivus 2004 demolishes that theory. Unless he was drunk, but I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure he drove, so that can\u0026rsquo;t be. Yep. Gay.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe haven\u0026rsquo;t celebrated this greatest of days in 3 years. Check out a few pictures \u003ca href=\"/photos/festivus-2004\"\u003ehere\u003c/a\u003e. That night we gathered at the Spoar loft for some drinking and feats of strength, including the hotly contested \u0026ldquo;pole twist\u0026rdquo;:\u003c/p\u003e","title":"A Festivus for the rest of us"},{"content":"My name\u0026rsquo;s Dave Barnhardt. I\u0026rsquo;m 31 years old today. I weigh 227 pounds. I\u0026rsquo;m 5'11\u0026quot;. I like Dorito\u0026rsquo;s, milk, fast food and anything containing nougat.\nYou wanna hang out some time? No? Why not? Well that seems fair. However, I am going to have to eat you.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/happy-birthday-to-me/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eMy name\u0026rsquo;s Dave Barnhardt. I\u0026rsquo;m 31 years old today. I weigh 227 pounds. I\u0026rsquo;m 5'11\u0026quot;. I like Dorito\u0026rsquo;s, milk, fast food and anything containing nougat.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"bdaynougat.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/bdaynougat.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou wanna hang out some time? No? Why not? Well that seems fair. However, I am going to have to eat you.\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003caudio controls preload=\"metadata\"\u003e\n  \u003csource src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/VaginaParanoid.mp3\" type=\"audio/mp3\"\u003e\n  Your browser does not support the audio element.\n\u003c/audio\u003e","title":"Happy Birthday to me!"},{"content":"\nHere\u0026rsquo;s a picture of the breakfast in bed I had a few weeks back when Kat and I spent a couple days at an Inn. No story to go with it, I just felt this site was lacking food pictures when it really is my one true passion in life. Well, that and para sailing.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/breakfast/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"idlebreak.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/idlebreak.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHere\u0026rsquo;s a picture of the breakfast in bed I had a few weeks back when Kat and I spent a couple days at an Inn. No story to go with it, I just felt this site was lacking food pictures when it really is my one true passion in life. Well, that and para sailing.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Breakfast"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/gma-gathering-2007/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: GMA Gathering 2007"},{"content":"\nIn slightly-less-shocking-than-Girdlestone\u0026rsquo;s-man-kiss news, I now possess the Women\u0026rsquo;s Championship belt for the WWE. Due to my bust and gut size, the WWE recognized me as a woman and sanctioned a title match Wednesday night. Rather than having to wrestle, we ate cookies and Beth didn\u0026rsquo;t stand a chance.\nIn all serious coolness though, that is the actual belt that Beth takes to the ring. And no, it did not actually meet in the back. Behind my girth is Pat pulling with all his might to keep it in place lest Kat\u0026rsquo;s head be taken off.\nMore photos, less gayness to come\u0026hellip;\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/im-the-womens-champion/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"davebelt.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/davebelt.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIn slightly-less-shocking-than-Girdlestone\u0026rsquo;s-man-kiss news, I now possess the Women\u0026rsquo;s Championship belt for the WWE. Due to my bust and gut size, the WWE recognized me as a woman and sanctioned a title match Wednesday night. Rather than having to wrestle, we ate cookies and Beth didn\u0026rsquo;t stand a chance.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIn all serious coolness though, that is \u003cstrong\u003e\u003cem\u003ethe\u003c/em\u003e\u003c/strong\u003e actual belt that Beth takes to the ring. And no, it did \u003cem\u003e\u003cstrong\u003enot\u003c/strong\u003e\u003c/em\u003e actually meet in the back. Behind my girth is Pat pulling with all his might to keep it in place lest Kat\u0026rsquo;s head be taken off.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I'm the Women's Champion"},{"content":"\nWhen I woke up today, the first question I posed to Kat was, \u0026ldquo;Am I retarded or did Jeff kiss a dude last night?\u0026rdquo;\nOh sure, he\u0026rsquo;ll claim it was the alcohol, but the raging hard-on that accompanied this peck would tell a different story.\nAnyway, more pictures to come. I gotta go to the store to buy some milk and tomatoes.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-think-my-friend-is-gay/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"jeffkissesscott.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/jeffkissesscott.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhen I woke up today, the first question I posed to Kat was, \u0026ldquo;Am I retarded or did Jeff kiss a dude last night?\u0026rdquo;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOh sure, he\u0026rsquo;ll claim it was the alcohol, but the raging hard-on that accompanied this peck would tell a different story.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnyway, more pictures to come. I gotta go to the store to buy some milk and tomatoes.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I think my friend is gay"},{"content":"\nSo we went over to Buffalo to see RAW last night. Beth was supposed to wrestle, Joe and Pat were supposed to come out as security guards and Dave Barnhardt was suppose to not get a concussion. None of these things happened.\nKat and I headed over with Dan and Beam at 7:15 or so. SLIRP ed some free parking near the HSBC arena and started walking. Encountered some deep snow. I decided to give it the old Barnhardt switcheroo and leaped daintily through it and onto the sidewalk. That\u0026rsquo;s all well and good, Fathardt, but what about ice? Well, yeah, I forgot about that. I slipped, caught some sweet air and landed hard on the sidewalk. What do I remember? Goretta screaming, \u0026ldquo;Oh my god!\u0026rdquo; and Nugget trying to lift my wallet while I was down. Good times.\nThe result? No concussion. I did wind myself for a good 10 count, but shook it off. I\u0026rsquo;d like to take this opportunity to thank Toffifee and Dairyland for supplying me with chocolate treats and eggnog, without which I may have had a vulnerable fat-free region of my body.\nGot to the arena and as we went through security I was told I couldn\u0026rsquo;t bring my camera inside and would have to check it for the night. Evidently they only allow \u0026ldquo;shitty\u0026rdquo; cameras. I berated the security guard and counter lady and ensured them I trusted them not. The counter lady suggested the alternative was to walk back and put it in my car, to which I snickered.\nSo that was strike two.\nWe got to our seats (awesome view\u0026hellip; THANKS BETH/JOE/GORETTA!) and learned that neither Beth nor Pat nor Joe would be involved in the show. That sucked. Maybe next time. We did get our sign on the big screen, so that was cool. Show was good and came to an end around 11.\nI rushed ahead to get my camera from the counter jerks. Once I had it, I realized there was still wrestling going on. I headed back in and snapped some quick shots. The above pic of Chris Jericho signing autographs was really the only decent one.\nBeam, Kat and I threw in the towel and headed back to Fort Erie with Nugget.\nOh, and I guess strike three came tonight when I learned that after the show they\u0026rsquo;d all gone out for a late dinner and Jericho was with them. That\u0026rsquo;s a shame. I could have shown him my stretch mark collection including the one that looks like a question mark and the other one that looks like an angry Lee Majors.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/my-ass-is-raw/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"jericho.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/jericho.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo we went over to Buffalo to see RAW last night. Beth was supposed to wrestle, Joe and Pat were supposed to come out as security guards and Dave Barnhardt was suppose to not get a concussion. None of these things happened.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eKat and I headed over with Dan and Beam at 7:15 or so. \u003ca href=\"http://slirp.sourceforge.net/\"\u003eSLIRP\u003c/a\u003e ed some free parking near the HSBC arena and started walking. Encountered some deep snow. I decided to give it the old Barnhardt switcheroo and leaped daintily through it and onto the sidewalk. \u003cem\u003eThat\u0026rsquo;s all well and good, Fathardt, but what about ice?\u003c/em\u003e Well, yeah, I forgot about that. I slipped, caught some sweet air and landed hard on the sidewalk. What do I remember? Goretta screaming, \u0026ldquo;Oh my god!\u0026rdquo; and Nugget trying to lift my wallet while I was down. Good times.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"My ass is RAW"},{"content":"It was Christmas day back in \u0026lsquo;99 and we were cooking our turkey at my grandmother\u0026rsquo;s next door. As I was bringing it back to our place I felt a fantastic burning on my foot. You see, I was wearing socks and sandals. The burning was hot greasewater splashing out from the roast pan. The sock was soaking it up and holding it against my skin. I picked up speed, but wasn\u0026rsquo;t about to abandon the turkey. I rode it out, got back to the house, then began to get emotional. A trip to the hospital where they gave me some cream and called me a loser and this Barnhardt was back at home sucking back turkey gravy like Coca Cola.\nOh yeah, and one day my brother Andrew was eating popcorn too recklessly and ended up with a kernel jammed in his gums. It bled and bled and he was forced to go to the emergency. The doctors he saw suggested he \u0026ldquo;man up\u0026rdquo; and sent him home with a Kleenex to shove into his pie hole. Throughout the ordeal he was pulling gobs of dried blood from his mouth. In was pretty spectacular. At some point in the night the bleeding stopped, but officially popcorn almost killed my brother.\nI\u0026rsquo;ve only had surgery once in my life. It was early in my high school years. There was a bump on the bottom of my foot and the doctor thought there was something in it. They knocked me out and went in to explore. I believe in the end they may\u0026rsquo;ve found a thorn, but it was certainly nothing awesome like a bullet casing or spider\u0026rsquo;s nest. My Mom\u0026rsquo;s place had many thorny plants in the yard and it\u0026rsquo;s entirely possible that I stepped on one while wrestling bread away from the squirrels.\nPerhaps this post should really be called \u0026ldquo;Dave does stupid shit that results in hospital visits\u0026rdquo; because I can think of three more and they\u0026rsquo;re all me:\nChasing Andrew in our youth and he decides to close the screen door behind him. I slam my head into the edge of the door and start bleeding like a cut-up hooker. On Day One of a demolition job I stepped on a board with nails in it. Two of them penetrated my work boot and foot and I was taken to the hospital in my sexy skin-tight red sweatpants. The legendary \u0026ldquo;Puke Slide\u0026rdquo; of the late 80\u0026rsquo;s was perhaps the most \u0026ldquo;showy\u0026rdquo; of my stupid moments. Your browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-brittle-barnhardts/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eIt was Christmas day back in \u0026lsquo;99 and we were cooking our turkey at my grandmother\u0026rsquo;s next door. As I was bringing it back to our place I felt a fantastic burning on my foot. You see, I was wearing socks and sandals. The burning was hot greasewater splashing out from the roast pan. The sock was soaking it up and holding it against my skin. I picked up speed, but wasn\u0026rsquo;t about to abandon the turkey. I rode it out, got back to the house, then began to get emotional. A trip to the hospital where they gave me some cream and called me a loser and this Barnhardt was back at home sucking back turkey gravy like Coca Cola.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The Brittle Barnhardts"},{"content":"\nI\u0026rsquo;ve been asked if I\u0026rsquo;ll be the first one of \u0026ldquo;the circle\u0026rdquo; to have kids. My answer has been, \u0026ldquo;No, but I\u0026rsquo;m the first normal one of the circle to have kids.\u0026rdquo;\nWay back in \u0026lsquo;94 Kyle and Joe first began their onslaught of torment. It was chemistry class and the room had stadium-style seating. They sat in the row ahead of me and every day wrote notes calling \u0026ldquo;Barnhardt\u0026rdquo; a drunk and a wife beater which they then held up for me to see. I giggled a gap-toothed giggle like only I could and several times looked like quite the fool. But it was hilarious and I appreciated their effort and creativity. It was one of a limited number of humorous moments among what was an otherwise tiring 5-year obligation. It also acted as a catalyst for my growing disinterest in school, but that all worked out for the best.\nFast forward 13 years. Kyle has a ___ (number between 1 and 4) -year-old child, is happily married and owns his own auto shop, Kartek. His hobbies include shouting racial slurs at shop tools, discovering new sexual fetishes to share with the circle and leaving me odd voicemail messages. Hey, here\u0026rsquo;s one now:\nYour browser does not support the audio element. So now you know Kyle about as well as we all do. When you have time, be sure to stop by Kartek to say hi. If you ask nicely, he may even show you the scar where he was burned by radiator steam. It was the first time Kyle got burned by Kartek, though that place has been burning the rest of us for years.*\nYour browser does not support the audio element. \\* Copyright 2007, Jeff Girdlestone.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/kyle/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"kylesatan.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kylesatan.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;ve been asked if I\u0026rsquo;ll be the first one of \u0026ldquo;the circle\u0026rdquo; to have kids. My answer has been, \u0026ldquo;No, but I\u0026rsquo;m the first \u003cem\u003e\u003cstrong\u003enormal\u003c/strong\u003e\u003c/em\u003e one of the circle to have kids.\u0026rdquo;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWay back in \u0026lsquo;94 Kyle and Joe first began their onslaught of torment. It was chemistry class and the room had stadium-style seating. They sat in the row ahead of me and every day wrote notes calling \u0026ldquo;Barnhardt\u0026rdquo; a drunk and a wife beater which they then held up for me to see. I giggled a gap-toothed giggle like only I could and several times looked like quite the fool. But it was hilarious and I appreciated their effort and creativity. It was one of a limited number of humorous moments among what was an otherwise tiring 5-year obligation. It also acted as a catalyst for my growing disinterest in school, but that all worked out for the best.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Kyle"},{"content":"It\u0026rsquo;s already bent, Beth. It\u0026rsquo;s already bent.\nThanks Beth! You\u0026rsquo;ll be happy (and outraged) to learn that this picture immediately replaced our unborn child\u0026rsquo;s ultrasound picture on the fridge. In fact, I\u0026rsquo;ve removed everything on it but this picture. Why? Because when I visit the freezer for my nightly routine of dipping Dorito\u0026rsquo;s into icy mango sorbet, I want you to see me do it. Is that weird?\nAnd I appreciate the envelope. Kat and I are now considering naming our kid \u0026ldquo;F\u0026rsquo;n\u0026rdquo; just cuz we like the looks of this:\nI dropped the ball on my musical selection to accompany the \u0026ldquo;Little announcement\u0026rdquo; post. This should\u0026rsquo;ve been the one:\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/do-not-bend/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eIt\u0026rsquo;s already bent, Beth. It\u0026rsquo;s already bent.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"bethsigned.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/bethsigned.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThanks Beth! You\u0026rsquo;ll be happy (and outraged) to learn that this picture immediately replaced our unborn child\u0026rsquo;s ultrasound picture on the fridge. In fact, I\u0026rsquo;ve removed everything on it \u003cstrong\u003ebut\u003c/strong\u003e this picture. Why? Because when I visit the freezer for my nightly routine of dipping Dorito\u0026rsquo;s into icy mango sorbet, I want you to see me do it. Is that weird?\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd I appreciate the envelope. Kat and I are now considering naming our kid \u0026ldquo;F\u0026rsquo;n\u0026rdquo; just cuz we like the looks of this:\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Do Not Bend"},{"content":"Video kinda speaks for itself\u0026hellip; GAME ON!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/a-little-announcement/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eVideo kinda speaks for itself\u0026hellip; GAME ON!\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003caudio controls preload=\"metadata\"\u003e\n  \u003csource src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/BushWild.mp3\" type=\"audio/mp3\"\u003e\n  Your browser does not support the audio element.\n\u003c/audio\u003e","title":"A \"little\" announcement..."},{"content":"I took a break from work to come home to let the dogs out. As I was walking around my backyard I felt a disturbance in the force and looked over in amazement to see our hero with another case of white Lucky skillfully tucked between his legs while pedaling for home, salivating over the first piss warm Lucky he was about to enjoy. No grocery bags were visible, he was all business this day. The suspect was on High street heading towards the school district, no doubt a place where he experienced very little success, so he must have altered his route based on his new found celebrity.\nI ran back into the house, dogs in tow and grabbed the camera, and quickly jumped in the car in hot pursuit. As I turned left onto High street, off Catherine to my disappointment, I felt like Tom Hanks duped by Leo again, nothing, not even a trace of Welfare in the air. I scoured the area went up and down the boulevard and nothing. This could mean I have triangulated his position to possibly the High Street appartments, but I can\u0026rsquo;t be 100% sure.\nOvercome with a sense of disappointment I headed for home, when all of a sudden I saw our hero\u0026rsquo;s less talented half -brother (same mom different dads or vice versa) with a 12 pack of Blue Lucky that was securely fastened to a home made beer holder that he A-teamed off the back of his bike. I often wonder if Lucky drinkers make fun of each other and whether Blue or White lucky is considered high society. Luckily I was able to snap a picture of this suspect, picture to follow.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/breaking-news-another-sighting-plus-an-interesting-twist/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI took a break from work to come home to let the dogs out. As I was walking around my backyard I felt a disturbance in the force and looked over in amazement to see our hero with another case of white Lucky skillfully tucked between his legs while pedaling for home, salivating over the first piss warm Lucky he was about to enjoy. No grocery bags were visible, he was all business this day. The suspect was on High street heading towards the school district, no doubt a place where he experienced very little success, so he must have altered his route based on his new found celebrity.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"BREAKING NEWS: Another sighting plus an interesting twist!"},{"content":"","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/mommy-is-that-a-whale-riding-a-horse/","summary":"","title":"Mommy. Is that a whale riding a horse?"},{"content":"With a variety of roller coasters to choose from, we go to the first one we come upon \u0026ndash; \u0026ldquo;The Bat.\u0026rdquo; A ride that first drags you backwards up a ramp, lets you go until you end up forwards on a parallel ramp where you stop. You\u0026rsquo;re then let go to experience the same track backwards. We line up for the ride in quite a lengthy straight line which winds and winds until we are herded into twenty or so lanes where we wait for our turn to have some fun. To diffuse any anxiety about the ride, we talk and joke to one another. When the coaster pulls in and thuds to a stop, I quickly examine the looks on the riders\u0026rsquo; faces. They vary from small children almost in tears and full of regret to grown men either laughing at the pitiful ride or faking this very well and using all their strength to avoid regurgitating in front of everybody. I run to my seat and hop in. I pull the rubber brace over my head and press it to my chest. I assume and hope that there is some form of metal at the core of the rubber or else its purpose is unclear. As the ride commences, we are pulled backwards and up a steep slope. I decide to take off my glasses and hold them like a vice. The coaster reaches the top and clicks to a stop. The riders hear and feel the brake release and we all hurdle towards the base of the incline. I am ashamed to admit that by this time I have closed my eyes and now only know the ride as a series of jerks and bumps. With each sharp turn, I picture one of the constructors of this evil pleasure device being too lazy to go to the ground to pick up a rivet vital to the stability of a supporting pillar. Oh, sure, he saved some time, but this thing\u0026rsquo;s about to bend like a twist tie. Then, we stop and I know that we must travel backwards. The sequence of physical distress is reversed but with the added element of having my face mangled by the force of gravity. The ride is over. I slap on my glasses, fogged by the sweat of my hands and try to mould my hair into some semblance of what it was like before. I seem to be the only one visibly staggering down the exit ramp. At the bottom, I\u0026rsquo;m greeted with the surprise that they took pictures of all of us during the ride. That\u0026rsquo;s great. There is physical evidence that I had my eyes closed. After some mocking by my so-called \u0026ldquo;buddies,\u0026rdquo; we decide to grab a bite to eat.\nFrom the moment we entered the park, the smell of funnel cake was the most dominant of smells. I sat down with a lovely cake covered with delicious ice cream and strawberries. I was determined to finish this whole thing. This apparently wasn\u0026rsquo;t destined to happen because after a third of it was done, so was I. I rested until I felt like moving again, then pleaded that we not go on another ride for a few minutes. After some recovery time, we must have gone on every other ride there. I didn\u0026rsquo;t close my eyes again. I can\u0026rsquo;t tell you how much more enjoyable an experience it is to have one eyes open. You can anticipate turns and compensate for bumps. It was like discovering something entirely new. We capped off the full day by heading for the log ride. The park was closing in about fifteen minutes, so we thought we\u0026rsquo;d be completely irrational and go on the ride repeatedly until we were kicked off. We never were kicked off. I have never been that wet and in public in my life. It was unfortunate that we hadn\u0026rsquo;t thought that we\u0026rsquo;d have to ride home in this condition.\nIt was dark out now. Still, the sky was clear. The temperature had fallen to what would be a comfortable level if we hadn\u0026rsquo;t been soaking wet. Using what towels we had, we dried off and wrung out what we could. We were all exhausted and could hardly keep our eyes open. The day had been a complete success. We all had an incredibly great time. This is what Summer is meant to be. No worries. No deadlines. A bunch of friends kidding and joking. Nothing to be home for except the preparation for another fun day. Life is good.\nSo what have we learned after reading this tale from the past? Well, it\u0026#39;s clear that whether 18 or 30, my two biggest priorities in life remain: 1) being a pussy and 2) enjoying food. I gotta pat myself on the back for sticking with that theme. Of course, I can\u0026#39;t pat myself on the back. At this point I can barely pat myself on the front. For the love of God, won\u0026#39;t someone cement my mouth shut!??! Wait, wait. Let me finish this cake first. It\u0026#39;s good cake. Your browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-amusement-park-part-two/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWith a variety of roller coasters to choose from, we go to the first one we come upon \u0026ndash; \u0026ldquo;The Bat.\u0026rdquo; A ride that first drags you backwards up a ramp, lets you go until you end up forwards on a parallel ramp where you stop. You\u0026rsquo;re then let go to experience the same track backwards. We line up for the ride in quite a lengthy straight line which winds and winds until we are herded into twenty or so lanes where we wait for our turn to have some fun. To diffuse any anxiety about the ride, we talk and joke to one another. When the coaster pulls in and thuds to a stop, I quickly examine the looks on the riders\u0026rsquo; faces. They vary from small children almost in tears and full of regret to grown men either laughing at the pitiful ride or faking this very well and using all their strength to avoid regurgitating in front of everybody. I run to my seat and hop in. I pull the rubber brace over my head and press it to my chest. I assume and hope that there is some form of metal at the core of the rubber or else its purpose is unclear. As the ride commences, we are pulled backwards and up a steep slope. I decide to take off my glasses and hold them like a vice. The coaster reaches the top and clicks to a stop. The riders hear and feel the brake release and we all hurdle towards the base of the incline. I am ashamed to admit that by this time I have closed my eyes and now only know the ride as a series of jerks and bumps. With each sharp turn, I picture one of the constructors of this evil pleasure device being too lazy to go to the ground to pick up a rivet vital to the stability of a supporting pillar. Oh, sure, he saved some time, but this thing\u0026rsquo;s about to bend like a twist tie. Then, we stop and I know that we must travel backwards. The sequence of physical distress is reversed but with the added element of having my face mangled by the force of gravity. The ride is over. I slap on my glasses, fogged by the sweat of my hands and try to mould my hair into some semblance of what it was like before. I seem to be the only one visibly staggering down the exit ramp. At the bottom, I\u0026rsquo;m greeted with the surprise that they took pictures of all of us during the ride. That\u0026rsquo;s great. There is physical evidence that I had my eyes closed. After some mocking by my so-called \u0026ldquo;buddies,\u0026rdquo; we decide to grab a bite to eat.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The Amusement Park - Part Two"},{"content":"It\u0026rsquo;s early in the morning. It would be completely unbearable if it weren\u0026rsquo;t for the fact that all sense of fatigue and lack of power are drowned by feelings of excitement and anticipation. Summer has taken hold though just three weeks old and the day of school and intense heat is now ruled by the latter. Each day is filled with the search for a new way to entertain one\u0026rsquo;s self, and one is never disappointed. For, during these couple months of the year, kicking a pop can around town is a suitable replacement for productively attending school for the remainder of the time. Today, however, a notable event will be taking place. We take a trip to an amusement park. The park of all parks, Canada\u0026rsquo;s Wonderland.\nThe sun is rising as I try to do the same. I manage to make it to the bathroom with surprising ease and complete all necessary chores within half an hour. The phone rings and I\u0026rsquo;m informed that my ride will be arriving soon. I perch myself on the couch, which I can\u0026rsquo;t remember ever being this soft, and watch for my expected visitor. It seems only minutes before the van which I await speeds by my house and then slows quickly as one of the occupants corrects the driver. The directions now completely understood, the van soon thereafter enters my driveway. After saying the necessary farewells, I walk outside to the van to find that I will be travelling in the back of the van. Clearly this spot was never intended to be used by humans as the smell of carbon dioxide and the thump of various undercar components on my rear would indicate. Not wanting to spoil anyone\u0026rsquo;s fun, let alone worry the owner of the vehicle that there may be or soon will be something wrong with said vehicle, I pretend that I\u0026rsquo;m not nauseous.\nAbout two hours after the voyage began, we arrive at our destination. My body numb, my nerves none the worse for wear considering the several accidents we barely avoided, not to mention the several that we nearly caused. When I say \u0026lsquo;we,\u0026rsquo; I take minimal responsibility other than the added weight which couldn\u0026rsquo;t have helped the driver\u0026rsquo;s already amateur driving ability. All things being equal, I would rather be no where else than here. The sky is a rich blue, untouched by clouds. The heat is perfectly tolerable at this point though one\u0026rsquo;s sweat glands cannot help but anticipate some action in the near future. We enter the park without incident and stop momentarily to take in the sights. The smell of food is immediately present and the sweetness is inescapable. Already, I hear the screams of delight and mercy of those already enjoying the amusement rides. We decide to use the washroom while we have the opportunity. As we are ready to head for our first ride, we are glad we got an early start on the day. The amount of people is beaerable and everyone appears to be in good spirits.\nWe decide to start small. I agreed, but didn\u0026rsquo;t think that moments later I would find myself in a large basket spinning pointlessly. I suppose this wasn\u0026rsquo;t all bad. The World seems quite peaceful when one can\u0026rsquo;t think straight. I look forward at others trying to enjoy the same ride and find most of them to be small kids. I think of how it must look for two young adults to be on such a childish ride, but reconsider as the centrifugal force soon becomes almost amusing. Yes, this is fun. Who cares how queer this seems. I look directly up to see the tops of trees spinning and note how the sky seems to stay still. The ride ends too quick and we meet up with two others who were in another basket. We\u0026rsquo;re all a bit unsure on our feet, but definitely warmed up and ready for a tougher challenge.\n(To Be Continued\u0026hellip;)\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-amusement-park-a-12-year-old-story-written-by-an-18-year-old-halfwit-part-one/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eIt\u0026rsquo;s early in the morning. It would be completely unbearable if it weren\u0026rsquo;t for the fact that all sense of fatigue and lack of power are drowned by feelings of excitement and anticipation. Summer has taken hold though just three weeks old and the day of school and intense heat is now ruled by the latter. Each day is filled with the search for a new way to entertain one\u0026rsquo;s self, and one is never disappointed. For, during these couple months of the year, kicking a pop can around town \u003cem\u003eis\u003c/em\u003e a suitable replacement for productively attending school for the remainder of the time. Today, however, a notable event will be taking place. We take a trip to an amusement park. The park of all parks, Canada\u0026rsquo;s Wonderland.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The Amusement Park (a 12-year-old story written by an 18-year-old halfwit) Part One"},{"content":"We used to go up North to a cottage where we\u0026rsquo;d meet up with members of the extended Barnhardt family. There was Aunt Judy who was a whiz with campfires. Uncle Dan who bought me my first fishing reel. Oh, and I\u0026rsquo;ll never forget Uncle Angry with his unbeatable left hook.\nUncle Angry had a short fuse. He would take me to the beach to look for shells and when I showed him one that he thought was too small, he\u0026rsquo;d call me a fag and throw sand in my eyes. One time I saw his attack coming and tried to run, only to have him chase me down and hold my head under water \u0026rsquo;till I shit my shorts.\nOne day my Mom begged Uncle Angry to teach me to swim. She\u0026rsquo;d watched me nearly drown eight times before age ten and if she had to witness number nine she was inclined to let me go. I tried to tell Mom that Uncle Angry wasn\u0026rsquo;t right in the head and that I didn\u0026rsquo;t think it was a good idea. Mom laughed hysterically. I ran outside and confided in a small maple tree. I told the tree all my fears, hopes and dreams and the tree responded by telling me absolutely nothing of any value.\nNone of us have seen Uncle Angry in over 10 years. Last I heard he was dressing up as a small bowl of potpourri and hiding in public washrooms. He reportedly smells delightful and means noone any harm, so I think everything turned out just fine.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/uncle-angry/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWe used to go up North to a cottage where we\u0026rsquo;d meet up with members of the extended Barnhardt family. There was Aunt Judy who was a whiz with campfires. Uncle Dan who bought me my first fishing reel. Oh, and I\u0026rsquo;ll never forget Uncle Angry with his unbeatable left hook.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eUncle Angry had a short fuse. He would take me to the beach to look for shells and when I showed him one that he thought was too small, he\u0026rsquo;d call me a fag and throw sand in my eyes. One time I saw his attack coming and tried to run, only to have him chase me down and hold my head under water \u0026rsquo;till I shit my shorts.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Uncle Angry"},{"content":"Watched Beth on RAW last Monday night. When the match ended, Beth retained the title, her opponent Candice was unconscious and I retired to my quarters to pleasure my\u0026hellip; just watch the damn video.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/owned/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWatched Beth on RAW last Monday night. When the match ended, Beth retained the title, her opponent Candice was unconscious and I retired to my quarters to pleasure my\u0026hellip; just watch the damn video.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Owned"},{"content":"Friends always assumed he was too cheap to go through with it.\nFORT ERIE (CP) - If by \u0026rsquo;tight\u0026rsquo; you mean the kind of man who turns his heat down in January should the sun happen to briefly peak through the clouds then Dave Barnhardt is listed under the nomenclature. Anyone who has ever experienced the shock of his automatic light timer cutting the juice to the living room lamp the second the clock strikes 9:59 PM knows that he is more likely to splurge on Dairy Queen without matching wits with the cashier than to turn to the lusty thrills of Online Casino Gambling, right?\nWrong. Wrong.\nSometime in the last two weeks Dave not only submitted his Visa number to the good, yet suspicious people at Pokerroom.com and lost, but also decided to mention it to a drunken friend.\n\u0026ldquo;It\u0026rsquo;s shocking, \u0026quot; said Jeff Girdlestone. \u0026lsquo;\u0026ldquo;I would have sooner seen Dan Zammit with a steady job and desirable automobile than to hear that Dave would so carelessly throw away 40 bucks at anything \u0026hellip; at all.\u0026rdquo;\nWhen asked what he would do to make up the money, Dave had no comment. He turned away, put on his cardboard jacket and proceeded to leave Woodbine Race Track. Pokerroom.com declined an interview, but did mention that they are enjoying his money.\nIt remains unclear whether or not Barnhardt has actually given up the quest for \u0026lsquo;All In\u0026rsquo; fame. One thing we are sure of, with the recent winning by the Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox, combined with the Tsunami and Hurricane devastation, Barnhardt\u0026rsquo;s gambling and splurging issue will not help to put peoples\u0026rsquo; already shattered nerves at ease.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/idiot-loses-4000-usd-in-online-gambling/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cem\u003eFriends always assumed he was too cheap to go through with it.\u003c/em\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"img_5214-1.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/img_5214-1.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFORT ERIE (CP) - If by \u0026rsquo;tight\u0026rsquo; you mean the kind of man who turns his heat down in January should the sun happen to briefly peak through the clouds then Dave Barnhardt is listed under the nomenclature. Anyone who has ever experienced the shock of his automatic light timer cutting the juice to the living room lamp the second the clock strikes 9:59 PM knows that he is more likely to splurge on Dairy Queen without matching wits with the cashier than to turn to the lusty thrills of Online Casino Gambling, right?\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Idiot Loses $40 US in Online Gambling"},{"content":"Geez. You\u0026rsquo;d think Shaun would\u0026rsquo;ve stopped for a beverage. But look at \u0026rsquo;em. Still going at it over there. Still going\u0026hellip; aaah\u0026hellip; it\u0026rsquo;s beautiful. It\u0026rsquo;s a beautiful thing. Almost as beautiful as\u0026hellip;\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/bacon/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eGeez. You\u0026rsquo;d think Shaun would\u0026rsquo;ve stopped for a beverage. But look at \u0026rsquo;em. Still going at it over there. Still going\u0026hellip; aaah\u0026hellip; it\u0026rsquo;s beautiful. It\u0026rsquo;s a beautiful thing. Almost as beautiful as\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Bacon"},{"content":"Barnhardt needed to get the Corolla\u0026rsquo;s oil changed, so Barnhardt stopped by good old Bill\u0026rsquo;s Toyota early this morning. Left the keys with the half-naked Puerto Rican receptionist, gave her a knowing pat on the ass and headed into the waiting room.\nTuned the TV to CP24 for all my Toronto-related news and headed to the coffee machine to whip myself up a cup. It\u0026rsquo;s one of those single serving coffee makers that\u0026rsquo;s manufactured in some country where people are still burned at the stake but they really know a good cup of Joe.\nAs I was walking back to my seat an older fellow came in. He had long grey hair in a pony tail and was wearing a \u0026lsquo;RETIRED United States Navy\u0026rsquo; baseball cap. He wore beat-up Crocs on his feet and had bulging veins that seemed to want out of his body real bad. He can best be represented by this horrible MS Paint drawing.\nHe said \u0026ldquo;Good morning\u0026rdquo; and I decided to answer with a \u0026ldquo;Hey.\u0026rdquo; Seemed reasonable. Well, then the flood gates opened. He asked how to work the coffee machine. I showed him. He offered me the sports page. Don\u0026rsquo;t give a shit about sports, but took it anyway. He continue to blab about how much he loves sports, how he shouted racially insensitive comments at Japanese tourists in Hawaii and how all of his relatives are awesome.\nMan I hate trying to carry on normal conversations with normal people. I don\u0026rsquo;t know how much more miserable an air I need to have about me to keep people away, but I\u0026rsquo;ve gotta find out. This unnecessary banter almost ruined my visit. Only thing that made up for it was the complimentary, yet extremely low-quality Toyota branded snow brush I received upon leaving.\nI hope grizzly ex-Navy chatmaster doesn\u0026rsquo;t Google.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/how-bout-a-cup-of-shut-the-hell-up/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eBarnhardt needed to get the Corolla\u0026rsquo;s oil changed, so Barnhardt stopped by good old Bill\u0026rsquo;s Toyota early this morning. Left the keys with the half-naked Puerto Rican receptionist, gave her a knowing pat on the ass and headed into the waiting room.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTuned the TV to CP24 for all my Toronto-related news and headed to the coffee machine to whip myself up a cup. It\u0026rsquo;s one of those single serving coffee makers that\u0026rsquo;s manufactured in some country where people are still burned at the stake but they really know a good cup of Joe.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"How 'bout a cup of shut the hell up?"},{"content":"So a year ago and a day, this happened:\nI left for work around 2 pm and it had started snowing. When I got home around 9:30 all hell had broken loose. That\u0026rsquo;s the willow tree at my Mom\u0026rsquo;s place. I spent a lot of time in that tree. One time I worked on a colouring contest for Easter as I was perched amongst its inviting limbs. A contest that I would end up winning. The prize? Breakfast with the Easter Bunny. Did I go? Well, no. I\u0026rsquo;m not really a morning person.\nBut anywho, the willow tree had mostly come down. Thankfully my Mom\u0026rsquo;s car was there to break its fall. So this was 10 o\u0026rsquo;clock at night and it continued to snow like a mother fucker. Hey, wait a sec, the storm actually did (in a sense) fuck my mother. Interesting.\nThe next day I woke to this scene out my dining room window:\nWe had some downed trees and the power was out, but everyone was alive and well. We had to fire up the gas fireplace as the furnace had no power. Dodger didn\u0026rsquo;t mind as he\u0026rsquo;s all about getting his body as close to heat sources as possible:\nSo we waited and waited for the power to come back on. Two days later and it still hadn\u0026rsquo;t. But the weather was improving and my Uncle and cousins came over to rescue my Mom\u0026rsquo;s car:\nShe\u0026rsquo;s actually pregnant and wielding that chainsaw. What a little trooper.\nTook almost a full week for the power to come back on. When it did, I couldn\u0026rsquo;t wait to say hello to the TV again. I asked it what it wanted and it said, \u0026ldquo;Chicken wings and pizza would be delightful.\u0026rdquo; So we ordered in and the TV and I just held each other.\nKat spent the entire next day pulling wing bones out of the TV speakers with a pair of pliers and cleaning up my piss and vomit from the attic. You see, I had yet again been drinking. Who feeds a TV food when they\u0026rsquo;re sober? No one. The answer is no one.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/ele/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo a year ago and a day, this happened:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/oct12_01.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"oct12_01.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/oct12_01.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI left for work around 2 pm and it had started snowing. When I got home around 9:30 all hell had broken loose. That\u0026rsquo;s the willow tree at my Mom\u0026rsquo;s place. I spent a lot of time in that tree. One time I worked on a colouring contest for Easter as I was perched amongst its inviting limbs. A contest that I would end up winning. The prize? Breakfast with the Easter Bunny. Did I go? Well, no. I\u0026rsquo;m not really a morning person.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"ELE"},{"content":"I drove to work this morning beside some jackass in a Hyundai who was far too happy to be alive. He was tippity tap tapping away on his steering wheel, presumably to a song he particularly enjoyed. He wore sunglasses and smoked a cigarette as he coasted along about 5 feet behind an 18-wheeler. I hoped the transport would slam on its brakes and decapitate this douche bag, or at least cause him to drop his smoke. Then I started thinking about it more and considered that he may be listening to a self-help tape that was encouraging him to continue on living despite being afflicted with a spastic wrist. I started to feel bad so I turned up the radio\u0026hellip;\n\u0026hellip; and decided to briefly attempt to bring sexy back. As it would turn out, sexy was happy where he was and didn\u0026rsquo;t want to come back. He explained that when he was younger his father was abusive. He would slam sexy\u0026rsquo;s head in the washing machine lid and scream, \u0026ldquo;CATCH IT, FAG\u0026rdquo; as he bounced lit cigarettes off sexy\u0026rsquo;s face. Sexy left home at 16 and travelled the country, stopping at dude strip joints to put his pole dancing skills on display. One night on his way back to his hotel room, he stopped to get gas and a chocolate milk. The store was being robbed as he entered and a shot was fired. The shot missed sexy, he tackled the robber and proceeded to beat him to death with that frosty container of milk. After he stopped laughing, sexy started running down the dark road and never looked back\u0026hellip;\n\u0026hellip; much like I never looked back the last time I left Arbuckle\u0026rsquo;s house with a bag full of bacon. I was terrified that perhaps he might change his mind and chase me down to reclaim some of the salty treat, so I quickened my pace and drove off without buckling in myself or the bacon. I don\u0026rsquo;t kid around when it comes to meat. Like the time when I brought home a dozen Arbuckle-supplied meat sticks and informed the wife that there were 6 tasty sticks in the fridge. Where were the others? Why, they were in my quiet basement meat retreat, wouldn\u0026rsquo;t ya know. This is the same place I keep my emergency cream cheese and bagels, emergency 8 pounds of Swedish Berries and 4 litres of chilled emergency whipping cream. I fear the end, but will be prepared to go out happy when it goes down.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-sea-was-angry-that-day-my-friends/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI drove to work this morning beside some jackass in a Hyundai who was far too happy to be alive. He was tippity tap tapping away on his steering wheel, presumably to a song he particularly enjoyed. He wore sunglasses and smoked a cigarette as he coasted along about 5 feet behind an 18-wheeler. I hoped the transport would slam on its brakes and decapitate this douche bag, or at least cause him to drop his smoke. Then I started thinking about it more and considered that he may be listening to a self-help tape that was encouraging him to continue on living despite being afflicted with a spastic wrist. I started to feel bad so I turned up the radio\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The Sea Was Angry That Day, My Friends"},{"content":"Yep, they\u0026rsquo;ve all been posted! Enjoy many classic family favourites including\u0026hellip;\nCheck \u0026rsquo;em out NOW!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/shocking-danmel-wedding-photos/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eYep, they\u0026rsquo;ve all been posted! Enjoy many classic family favourites including\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/photos/dan-and-mels-wedding\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"dmwedpics.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/dmwedpics.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCheck \u0026rsquo;em out \u003ca href=\"/photos/dan-and-mels-wedding\"\u003eNOW\u003c/a\u003e!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Shocking Dan/Mel Wedding Photos!"},{"content":"Friday, September 28th, 2007\nI\u0026rsquo;ve been given at least two good reasons to go gay today: 1/ As I was poking fun at Dave, our obese friend, my eyes caught sight of what can only be described as a greasy hurricane of lard beneath his first chin. I\u0026rsquo;ve never been so disgusted by a man in my life, and 2/ We took a walk on a trail in the woods. I stopped to tie my shoe and when I looked up, everyone was gone. I searched and searched to no avail when all of a sudden this curly-haired girl jumped out and attacked me with a tongue that seemed to go on for miles. I succumbed to her charms and we made passionate love as woodland critters rejoiced. I think my days with Joe may be numbered.\nThursday, October 4th, 2007\nToday Joe asked me if we could introduce more Transformers into our love making. I told him absolutely not and said it\u0026rsquo;d be best if he slept in the backyard. As he was grabbing a pillow and blanket he tried to force a Bumble Bee mask on me so I punched him in the junk and he started to cry. I swear, if this guy wasn\u0026rsquo;t such a whiz with crunching numbers I would have dumped him a long time ago.\nSunday, October 7th, 2007\nI was on WWE No Mercy tonight and won the Women\u0026rsquo;s title! SUCK IT!! I rushed home afterwards and found Joe was wacked out on PCP. I asked if he\u0026rsquo;d seen my match and he asked if the Earth still only had 3 moons. I tossed him 80 bucks and asked him to get the F out. He agreed, but rather than using the door, he insisted on punching himself a hole in the drywall. Several hours later he realized the futility of his attempt and jumped out the window. He was bleeding pretty bad when I last saw him running at top speed for Taco Bell. Good luck, Joe.\nCHECK OUT THE VIDEO, BITCHES!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/you-think-you-know-but-you-have-no-idea-this-is-the-diary-of-beth-phoenix/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eFriday, September 28th, 2007\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;ve been given at least two good reasons to go gay today: 1/ As I was poking fun at Dave, our obese friend, my eyes caught sight of what can only be described as a greasy hurricane of lard beneath his first chin. I\u0026rsquo;ve never been so disgusted by a man in my life, and 2/ We took a walk on a trail in the woods. I stopped to tie my shoe and when I looked up, everyone was gone. I searched and searched to no avail when all of a sudden this curly-haired girl jumped out and attacked me with a tongue that seemed to go on for miles. I succumbed to her charms and we made passionate love as woodland critters rejoiced. I think my days with Joe may be numbered.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"You think you know, but you have no idea. This is the diary of Beth Phoenix."},{"content":"\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/three-things-containing-a-lot-of-alcohol/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"pict6309.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/pict6309.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Three things containing a lot of alcohol"},{"content":"\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/289/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"pict6185.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/pict6185.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"No one should be eating this much potato salad for breakfast"},{"content":"\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/how-long-can-i-stall-till-christmas-probably-till-christmas/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"nugwedstory.gif\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/nugwedstory.gif\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"How long can I stall? 'Till Christmas. Probably 'till Christmas."},{"content":"\u0026hellip; I might be able to keep this site interesting for the next 5 months!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/if-i-keep-posting-one-picture-at-a-time/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u0026hellip; I might be able to keep this site interesting for the next 5 months!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"bethwedfinger.gif\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/bethwedfinger.gif\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"If I keep posting one picture at a time..."},{"content":"I just got finished having a heated argument with the house next door. In the argument, I was called a \u0026ldquo;douche\u0026rdquo; and a \u0026ldquo;shit,\u0026rdquo; but never did I stray from addressing the house by its given name, Sandeep.\nSo amongst my frequent frenzied food binges, and 6 hour commutes, I haven\u0026rsquo;t been able to get the Friday night wedding pics up yet. Allow me to whet your appetite\u0026hellip;\nI call this one \u0026ldquo;Tonight, You\u0026rsquo;re The Horse\u0026rdquo; and it should have you sitting on the edge of your seats!\nUPDATE: I HATE YOUTUBE! HERE\u0026rsquo;S THE CLIP FROM KNOCKED UP BARNHARDT-IFIED!!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/phhhht/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI just got finished having a heated argument with the house next door. In the argument, I was called a \u0026ldquo;douche\u0026rdquo; and a \u0026ldquo;shit,\u0026rdquo; but never did I stray from addressing the house by its given name, Sandeep.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo amongst my frequent frenzied food binges, and 6 hour commutes, I haven\u0026rsquo;t been able to get the Friday night wedding pics up yet. Allow me to whet your appetite\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"pict6477.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/pict6477.jpg\"\u003eI call this one \u0026ldquo;Tonight, You\u0026rsquo;re The Horse\u0026rdquo; and it should have you sitting on the edge of your seats!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Phhhht"},{"content":"Andrew and Autumn got dressed up and found corn? That can\u0026rsquo;t be right. No. No. They got married. That\u0026rsquo;s it. Sorry.\nI\u0026rsquo;ve been eating too much corn.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/double-a/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAndrew and Autumn got dressed up and found corn? That can\u0026rsquo;t be right. No. No. They got married. That\u0026rsquo;s it. Sorry.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"aawed.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/aawed.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;ve been eating too much corn.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Double A"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/dan-and-mels-wedding/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Dan and Mel's Wedding"},{"content":"One time I was parking my car before a Tragically Hip concert in downtown Hamilton. The lot attendant was directing me into my spot and clearly had orders to cram as many cars in as possible. I got far closer to the neighbouring vehicles than my Mother would have liked to see her Topaz get and as I left the car, I looked back to admire my parking job and grumbled about having to put so much effort into it. The attendant said something back, probably along the lines of, \u0026ldquo;I\u0026rsquo;ve seen better,\u0026rdquo; and I loudly returned, \u0026ldquo;FUCK YOU!\u0026rdquo; Now let\u0026rsquo;s realize that I was probably about 18 with very little desire to live. Also, there were 3 or 4 guys with me. Had I been solo and had a more positive outlook on life, I likely would\u0026rsquo;ve walked down the road to get the guy a coffee before taking him home, blowing him and then driving his sister to the airport.\nIf you\u0026rsquo;re ever walking in Montreal and a street beggar asks for change in French and your reply is, \u0026ldquo;Um, yeah, I don\u0026rsquo;t even speak French!\u0026rdquo;, don\u0026rsquo;t expect him to become a good friend.\nDuring college I had somehow tracked down a baseball cap that actually (kind of) fit my head. It was a Red Wings hat (they\u0026rsquo;re my favourite football team). As I exited class one day, a hilarious classmate removed it from my head, frolicked briefly, then ran away. Not only did I still have ketchup on my face from the previous night\u0026rsquo;s dinner, but I certainly didn\u0026rsquo;t wash my hair. I power walked after him down the hall and slammed him into a locker. After threatening to kill him and everyone he loved, he returned the hat to me. Were I not unbelievably intelligent, I think I\u0026rsquo;d most benefit the World as a bully. A bully who can\u0026rsquo;t take a punch, drinks cream like it\u0026rsquo;s water and who once pushed his 2nd Grade teacher to the floor because she was blocking the door. Yes, because she was blocking the door.\nDay or two after the Montreal beggar encounter, we went to Sainte Anne de Beaupré about 30 kilometres East of Quebec City. I\u0026rsquo;m not a religious man, but went along for the ride. As we walked through the chapel, I hit my shin on a church pew. In about a 20:80 mix of muttering under my breath to thinking it in my head, I let out a \u0026ldquo;FUCK\u0026rdquo; to indicate my injury. For a solid 10 minutes, I was seriously concerned that I\u0026rsquo;d just done something guaranteeing a hasty departure to hell. Somehow a burger and few handfuls of onion rings later and my concern had passed.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/success/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eOne time I was parking my car before a Tragically Hip concert in downtown Hamilton. The lot attendant was directing me into my spot and clearly had orders to cram as many cars in as possible. I got far closer to the neighbouring vehicles than my Mother would have liked to see her Topaz get and as I left the car, I looked back to admire my parking job and grumbled about having to put so much effort into it. The attendant said something back, probably along the lines of, \u0026ldquo;I\u0026rsquo;ve seen better,\u0026rdquo; and I loudly returned, \u0026ldquo;FUCK YOU!\u0026rdquo; Now let\u0026rsquo;s realize that I was probably about 18 with very little desire to live. Also, there were 3 or 4 guys with me. Had I been solo and had a more positive outlook on life, I likely would\u0026rsquo;ve walked down the road to get the guy a coffee before taking him home, blowing him and then driving his sister to the airport.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Success"},{"content":"\nThis is Brad Kalwicki. You may recognize him from a Classmates.com advertisement often seen while using Facebook. Brad received no money for his participation in the ad and when asked about it, was inconsolable.\nBrad went to school in Rockford, Iowa. He had a chiseled physique and was encouraged by his parents Elda and Steve to pursue a career in athletics. Brad was unable to focus on any organized sport as his affinity for young boys overpowered him. He was also mildly retarded and incompetent academically, but he did have a penchant for racist humour that was the stuff of legends.\nBrad was voted most likely to be spotted pooping on someone in public.\nHere\u0026rsquo;s Vernon Larmer. That\u0026rsquo;s right: It\u0026rsquo;s a dude. Vernon was beaten daily throughout his schooling. His eyesight was 20/20 and the enormous glasses you see pictured were purely for protection.\nVernon attended La Crosse Senior High in La Crosse, Alabama. He excelled in physics and calculus, but failed miserably in everything else.\nBy the end of high school, Vernon had so avoided contact with other people that his speech became unintelligible. He was sent to a special school where he was taught to communicate with blinks and grunts. In 1964, two days after his 17th birthday, Vernon had a terrible water fountain accident that severed his eyelids and vocal chords and he never \u0026ldquo;spoke\u0026rdquo; again.\nVernon was voted most likely to have multiple failed suicide attempts.\nGood luck to you both, Brad and Vernon.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/they-got-married/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"bkalwicki.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/bkalwicki.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis is Brad Kalwicki. You may recognize him from a Classmates.com advertisement often seen while using Facebook. Brad received no money for his participation in the ad and when asked about it, was inconsolable.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBrad went to school in Rockford, Iowa. He had a chiseled physique and was encouraged by his parents Elda and Steve to pursue a career in athletics. Brad was unable to focus on any organized sport as his affinity for young boys overpowered him. He was also mildly retarded and incompetent academically, but he did have a penchant for racist humour that was the stuff of legends.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"They got married?"},{"content":"While I\u0026rsquo;m mopping this up, watch Beth from Sunday night\u0026rsquo;s Unforgiven PPV:\nAnd while this may seem to be quickly turning into a Beth fan site, trust me, there are many more house centipede-esque stories swimming around amongst the bacon images in this fat head of mine!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-just-sharted/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWhile I\u0026rsquo;m mopping this up, watch Beth from Sunday night\u0026rsquo;s Unforgiven PPV:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd while this may seem to be quickly turning into a Beth fan site, trust me, there are many more house centipede-esque stories swimming around amongst the bacon images in this fat head of mine!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I just sharted"},{"content":"Delicious destruction.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/camels/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eDelicious destruction.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Camels"},{"content":"\nOne day I was eating marshmallows from a garbage pail when out of one of the mallows crawled a house centipede. In the past I\u0026rsquo;d always erased these critters quickly, but I\u0026rsquo;d just gotten over a nasty bout of food poisoning and his charismatic gaze melted my weakened heart.\nIt told me the story of a snowy December afternoon when it watched Back to the Future for the first time. Mischievous little guy had snuck into the theatre where he cozied up to a fat man\u0026rsquo;s Kodiak and fired up a Dunhill. I asked him if he shared my feelings that BTTF was one of the best movies of all time. He said he couldn\u0026rsquo;t agree more and we shared a smile.\nI called the little guy Gerald, though he insisted I call him Shitty Pete. We ate pizza together that night and watched 20/20 starring a young John Stossel. They were doing a story about breast cancer that really seemed to touch Gerald. I shut off the TV and poured us both some hot tea. Wouldn\u0026rsquo;t you know it, we didn\u0026rsquo;t stop talking and giggling \u0026rsquo;till dawn.\nAs the opening theme to Regis and Kelly ramped up, I looked over to see Gerald had fallen asleep. He sure was tired.\nI don\u0026rsquo;t remember how that day ended, only that as he left he patted my back and wished me well. He said we\u0026rsquo;d meet again, though we never did.\nGerald: It was real.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/isnt-he-a-dream/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"hcent.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/hcent.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOne day I was eating marshmallows from a garbage pail when out of one of the mallows crawled a house centipede. In the past I\u0026rsquo;d always erased these critters quickly, but I\u0026rsquo;d just gotten over a nasty bout of food poisoning and his charismatic gaze melted my weakened heart.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt told me the story of a snowy December afternoon when it watched Back to the Future for the first time. Mischievous little guy had snuck into the theatre where he cozied up to a fat man\u0026rsquo;s Kodiak and fired up a Dunhill. I asked him if he shared my feelings that BTTF was one of the best movies of all time. He said he couldn\u0026rsquo;t agree more and we shared a smile.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Isn't he a dreamboat?"},{"content":"I\u0026rsquo;ve added the ability to fullscreen all the videos on this site. It\u0026rsquo;s on the bottom row of the video player at the right. I suggest you hit it. Hit it like you\u0026rsquo;re hitting your wife for not making enough macaroni and cheese.\nIf it doesn\u0026rsquo;t work for you, either you\u0026rsquo;re an idiot or you don\u0026rsquo;t have the latest Flash Player. Get it. Get it like you\u0026rsquo;re getting the keys to the car and threatening to leave your wife for the whore down the road. The whore who appreciates the value of a quality plate of mac and cheese.\nWhatever. Here, watch this:\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/five-pounds-of-jello-in-a-two-pound-bag/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;ve added the ability to fullscreen all the videos on this site. It\u0026rsquo;s on the bottom row of the video player at the right. I suggest you hit it. Hit it like you\u0026rsquo;re hitting your wife for not making enough macaroni and cheese.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf it doesn\u0026rsquo;t work for you, either you\u0026rsquo;re an idiot or you don\u0026rsquo;t have the latest Flash Player. Get it. Get it like you\u0026rsquo;re getting the keys to the car and threatening to leave your wife for the whore down the road. The whore who appreciates the value of a quality plate of mac and cheese.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I'm five pounds of jello in a two pound bag"},{"content":"I found out there was no Cheez Whiz left in the house and even then I didn\u0026rsquo;t unleash this amount of rage:\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/evil/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI found out there was no Cheez Whiz left in the house and even then I didn\u0026rsquo;t unleash this amount of rage:\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Evil"},{"content":"So last night I quickly consumed a slice of pizza while Beth quickly kicked ass in the Diva Battle Royal at WWE Summerslam. Pretty much equivalent levels of intensity.\nSince I don\u0026rsquo;t have footage of me eating the pizza, you\u0026rsquo;ll just have to enjoy this:\n(I imagine Beth has the same look on her face when she\u0026rsquo;s walking down the street with Joe and sees that he\u0026rsquo;s about to get hit by a car. It\u0026rsquo;s the promise that something excellent is about to happen.)\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/beth-wins-the-diva-battle-royal/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo last night I quickly consumed a slice of pizza while Beth quickly kicked ass in the Diva Battle Royal at WWE Summerslam. Pretty much equivalent levels of intensity.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSince I don\u0026rsquo;t have footage of me eating the pizza, you\u0026rsquo;ll just have to enjoy this:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e(I imagine Beth has the same look on her face when she\u0026rsquo;s walking down the street with Joe and sees that he\u0026rsquo;s about to get hit by a car. It\u0026rsquo;s the promise that something excellent is about to happen.)\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Beth wins the Diva Battle Royal!"},{"content":"\nSo I gave Joe from Kentucky a call last night. Sounds like he\u0026rsquo;s doing good. I do have to question his mental state though. When we spoke, he\u0026rsquo;d just finished a full day\u0026rsquo;s work on a shot-by-shot remake of Stand By Me starring his dog Sonya as Chopper the junkyard dog, his left testicle as Teddy Duchamp and a crude crayon drawing of me played Vern, the fat kid.\nHe went on to explain that his motivation was a dream where he was eating a house-sized Toaster Strudel when his finger nails turned into Trans Am\u0026rsquo;s and drove off. I told him that none of that made any sense, then he started screaming something about the government and hung up. He\u0026rsquo;s done this a few times. Only fix is a Shamrock Shake from MacDonald\u0026rsquo;s, so I guess we\u0026rsquo;ve got 6 months of crazy Joe.\nLast night we had the great honour of being permitted to watch the nieces and nephew for a few hours (I say \u0026ldquo;great honour\u0026rdquo; because their father is an avid reader of this site!). Anywho, after we got back home I found a quiet corner of the basement and took a soldering iron to my manhood. If my constant spray bottling and tossing across the room of our kitty is any indication of my parenting abilities (and believe me, it is) then it\u0026rsquo;s probably best for the World if I don\u0026rsquo;t even consider reproducing.\nActually, I did do my good deed for the year last night. On the way home, around 10:30 or so, Kat and I narrowly avoided hitting a sizable tree limb that had fallen across a two-lane country road. I turned back, parked the car, ran my fat ass out and pushed the treeness off the road to prevent others from having a shitty night.\nKnowing my luck, that tree limb would have been just the distraction Molly Sue needed to interrupt her date rape and escape. Sorry, Molly Sue. I owe you a Whopper.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/lollipop-lollipop-oh-lolly/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"656943h-custom.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/656943h-custom.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo I gave Joe from Kentucky a call last night. Sounds like he\u0026rsquo;s doing good. I do have to question his mental state though. When we spoke, he\u0026rsquo;d just finished a full day\u0026rsquo;s work on a shot-by-shot remake of Stand By Me starring his dog Sonya as Chopper the junkyard dog, his left testicle as Teddy Duchamp and a crude crayon drawing of me played Vern, the fat kid.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolly..."},{"content":"So a brief update: I\u0026rsquo;ve got back pain, limp legs and a nose full of snot. I\u0026rsquo;m gonna assume they\u0026rsquo;re all related specifically to my riding lesson from last night and not an impending heart attack or 30 years of neglect.\nMuch thanks to my buddy Owen from the Niagara College \u0026ldquo;Real World\u0026rdquo; house for his depiction of last night\u0026rsquo;s event:\nOnly thing missing is my enormous, sweaty helmet and better definition on my man jugs.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/riding-lesson-1-the-day-after/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo a brief update: I\u0026rsquo;ve got back pain, limp legs and a nose full of snot. I\u0026rsquo;m gonna assume they\u0026rsquo;re all related specifically to my riding lesson from last night and not an impending heart attack or 30 years of neglect.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMuch thanks to my buddy Owen from the Niagara College \u0026ldquo;Real World\u0026rdquo; house for his depiction of last night\u0026rsquo;s event:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"ridinglessons.gif\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/ridinglessons.gif\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOnly thing missing is my enormous, sweaty helmet and better definition on my man jugs.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Riding Lesson #1: The Day After"},{"content":"\nSo I took my first horse riding lesson tonight and evidently I\u0026rsquo;m a \u0026ldquo;good student.\u0026rdquo; You\u0026rsquo;re damn right I\u0026rsquo;m a good student. How else would you explain the 100% I got in Grade 10 keyboarding or the 98% I got in Grade 10 Computer Science, neither which I real man should be proud of?!\nOnly thing hurting at the moment are my back and ankles. Tomorrow morning I expect to add legs, neck and scrotum to that list, followed by spine and kidneys tomorrow night. Just takes 30 minutes of exertion to realize how outta shape I am. Guess this means that bicep curling a heavily-buttered bagel won\u0026rsquo;t cut it as a morning workout.\nAnd what\u0026rsquo;s the deal with the fat guy photo, you ask? That guy\u0026rsquo;s awesome. More awesome than you or I could ever be. Deal with it. I am.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/fat-man-little-horse/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"fat-guy.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/fat-guy.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo I took my first horse riding lesson tonight and evidently I\u0026rsquo;m a \u0026ldquo;good student.\u0026rdquo; You\u0026rsquo;re damn right I\u0026rsquo;m a good student. How else would you explain the 100% I got in Grade 10 keyboarding or the 98% I got in Grade 10 Computer Science, neither which I real man should be proud of?!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOnly thing hurting at the moment are my back and ankles. Tomorrow morning I expect to add legs, neck and scrotum to that list, followed by spine and kidneys tomorrow night. Just takes 30 minutes of exertion to realize how outta shape I am. Guess this means that bicep curling a heavily-buttered bagel won\u0026rsquo;t cut it as a morning workout.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Fat man, little horse"},{"content":"\nHere\u0026rsquo;s a picture of Kat and me from Andrew and Autumn\u0026rsquo;s wedding last night. I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure everyone will agree that I look like I own 15 oil wells, 20 helicopters, several professional sports teams and have a small dungeon in my backyard where I take \u0026ldquo;hot guys\u0026rdquo; to blow.\nThe semi-tinted glasses, pink vest and tie, questionable hair style and shit-faced grin can only lead you to the obvious conclusion that I\u0026rsquo;ve hired a sexy brunette as my \u0026ldquo;beard.\u0026rdquo; And you\u0026rsquo;d be absolutely right.\nAnywho, all went extremely well yesterday as you can see from the photo below:\nWeather made for a perfect ceremony and tasty meatballs and liquor made for a memorable reception. Good times.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/gay-billionaire-dates-hot-chick/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"kmeaaw.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/kmeaaw.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHere\u0026rsquo;s a picture of Kat and me from Andrew and Autumn\u0026rsquo;s wedding last night. I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure everyone will agree that I look like I own 15 oil wells, 20 helicopters, several professional sports teams and have a small dungeon in my backyard where I take \u0026ldquo;hot guys\u0026rdquo; to blow.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe semi-tinted glasses, pink vest and tie, questionable hair style and shit-faced grin can only lead you to the obvious conclusion that I\u0026rsquo;ve hired a sexy brunette as my \u0026ldquo;beard.\u0026rdquo; And you\u0026rsquo;d be absolutely right.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Gay Billionaire Dates Hot Chick!"},{"content":"One time around 1994, Joe and I were at Wendy\u0026rsquo;s in St. Catharines with, I believe, John Geiger. We were on our way out and loading ourselves into John\u0026rsquo;s Chevette. I decided I\u0026rsquo;d had enough of my tasty beverage and as I sat my fat girth down onto the back seat, I discarded my drink cup onto the pavement. Before I could close the door, the people returned to the car parked next to us and the gentleman (who\u0026rsquo;d obviously seen what I did) looked me square in the eyes and said, \u0026ldquo;Did they teach you that?\u0026rdquo;\nThirteen years later and I still don\u0026rsquo;t know what that means. I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure I was never actually taught the joys of littering. As soon as I began driving I immediately started taking great pleasure in driving down backroads and throwing a vast assortment of highly non-biodegradable goods out windows, often laughing as I did it. So, F you Wendy\u0026rsquo;s parking lot guy.\nLast weekend went good. Bachelor party for my clone. Highlight of the night was watching one crack-loving stripper left hook another. Must have been crack related. God bless her for sticking up for herself.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/they/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eOne time around 1994, Joe and I were at Wendy\u0026rsquo;s in St. Catharines with, I believe, John Geiger. We were on our way out and loading ourselves into John\u0026rsquo;s Chevette. I decided I\u0026rsquo;d had enough of my tasty beverage and as I sat my fat girth down onto the back seat, I discarded my drink cup onto the pavement. Before I could close the door, the people returned to the car parked next to us and the gentleman (who\u0026rsquo;d obviously seen what I did) looked me square in the eyes and said, \u0026ldquo;Did \u003cem\u003ethey\u003c/em\u003e teach you that?\u0026rdquo;\u003c/p\u003e","title":"They"},{"content":"Yeah, um, so there is no longer a Whopper Wednesday. I found that out the hard way. It didn\u0026rsquo;t stop me from buying a Whopper, but I certainly didn\u0026rsquo;t enjoy it as much.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/no-whopper/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eYeah, um, so there is no longer a Whopper Wednesday. I found that out the hard way. It didn\u0026rsquo;t stop me from buying a Whopper, but I certainly didn\u0026rsquo;t enjoy it as much.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"No Whopper"},{"content":"Whew. Guess I blacked out there for a few days.\nSo it just occurred to me that it\u0026rsquo;s Wednesday\u0026hellip; Whopper Wednesday (on this wonderful day a Whopper combo can be had for only $4.99!). I\u0026rsquo;m now a little more alert than earlier as images of a shirtless and lifeless me peeling my sweaty backfat off the couch and wiping wonderful Whopper sauce from my man breasts float around my head. I might stop at Wendy\u0026rsquo;s to buy a Baconator and force it to watch me consume it\u0026rsquo;s far tastier cousin.\nWatched I Now Pronounce You Chuck \u0026amp; Larry the other night. In the movie they\u0026rsquo;re firemen. There was a moment a short while ago that I thought I\u0026rsquo;d like to be one of them. I guess I caught my reflection in the jug of 2% I was guzzling and reconsidered. I probably should\u0026rsquo;ve had that aspiration when I was a lot younger. Instead, I was dreaming I was Optimus Prime or Jack from Three\u0026rsquo;s Company. And look what I\u0026rsquo;ve become: A fat guy with a look-how-disgusting-I-am website.\nBy the way, that\u0026rsquo;s Jessica Biel from the Chuck \u0026amp; Larry movie. She looks like she just remembered it\u0026rsquo;s Whopper Wednesday too!\nAfter today I\u0026rsquo;m off for a few. Bachelor party planned for the weekend. Pretty much your standard affair: dinner with the guys followed by the baking of muffins which will later be handed out to the homeless and finally an excited round of high-fives as we watch Queer Eye. Oooh, I hope it\u0026rsquo;s a new one!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/id-like-to-buy-you-a-coke/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWhew. Guess I blacked out there for a few days.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo it just occurred to me that it\u0026rsquo;s Wednesday\u0026hellip; Whopper Wednesday (on this wonderful day a Whopper combo can be had for only $4.99!). I\u0026rsquo;m now a little more alert than earlier as images of a shirtless and lifeless me peeling my sweaty backfat off the couch and wiping wonderful Whopper sauce from my man breasts float around my head. I might stop at Wendy\u0026rsquo;s to buy a Baconator and force it to watch me consume it\u0026rsquo;s far tastier cousin.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I'd like to buy you a Coke"},{"content":"So I took a shit at work today. First stall was no good. Opened the door and saw poop on the floor. \u0026ldquo;Oops, I guess I wasn\u0026rsquo;t done\u0026rdquo; poop which had then been smeared around in a celebratory manner. I love having movements at work and releasing them in the public washrooms. It really gives me a chance to see just how civilized I am when compared to the average track visitor. The sounds coming from these fuckers is awesome. The moans of sheer terror like they\u0026rsquo;re passing a toaster with a tasty sesame seed bagel in it haunt my nightmares.\nThe other night we headed out to see how the horse was doing. He\u0026rsquo;s still alive. I took some footage hoping he might speak or stand upright and break dance, but he came up short. We had the farm owner take him for a test drive and she was happy with him and said \u0026ldquo;he travels well.\u0026rdquo; I don\u0026rsquo;t know what that means, but I\u0026rsquo;m hoping it refers to his ability to withstand depressing amounts of weight on his back. Here\u0026rsquo;s a short montage set to dramatic music that is, let\u0026rsquo;s face it, uncalled for (he\u0026rsquo;s the big, dark brown mother fucker):\nWatched the Simpsons movie last night. If you haven\u0026rsquo;t seen it, don\u0026rsquo;t look at the clip below. It\u0026rsquo;s my favourite scene and may ruin the movie for you.\nHave to work on Sunday. Thanks to that and the holiday on Monday, I\u0026rsquo;ll have 4-days off next weekend. I\u0026rsquo;ll likely spend it trying to find a way to get my bagel to support more butter. I want it to look like a greasy yellow moat around a medieval castle and the toasty crumbs are crocodiles. I\u0026rsquo;ll try to jump the moat, but won\u0026rsquo;t make it. The crocs will bite the shit out of me, but I\u0026rsquo;ll bite back. I\u0026rsquo;ll discover that these are crocodiles filled with ice-cold coconut cream and they mean me no harm. They only want to be my friend. I\u0026rsquo;ll explain to them that I don\u0026rsquo;t need any friends and scoop their tasty innards out to enjoy on the long ride home to my rundown bachelor apartment in Fudge City.\nI like food.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/flotsom/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo I took a shit at work today. First stall was no good. Opened the door and saw poop on the floor. \u0026ldquo;Oops, I guess I wasn\u0026rsquo;t done\u0026rdquo; poop which had then been smeared around in a celebratory manner. I love having movements at work and releasing them in the public washrooms. It really gives me a chance to see just how civilized I am when compared to the average track visitor. The sounds coming from these fuckers is awesome. The moans of sheer terror like they\u0026rsquo;re passing a toaster with a tasty sesame seed bagel in it haunt my nightmares.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Flotsom"},{"content":"So last night I found the Wizard\u0026rsquo;s key. Turned out it was right where the Elf lords told me it would be \u0026ndash; in the freezer next to my monster-sized Kit-Kat.\nI took the key and put it into the lock. The chamber opened and inside I found a large jar of chunky peanut butter, two litres of homo milk and a Bic lighter. Not knowing what to do, I called Ryan Spoar. He suggested I put on my tightest jeans and \u0026ldquo;head on over,\u0026rdquo; but I failed to see how that would help so I pretended we had a bad connection and hung up.\nIn the end I ate the peanut butter, drank the tasty milk and used the lighter to ignite my bra collection. The Kit-Kat bar told me I wouldn\u0026rsquo;t be needing them where I was going.\nAnd just where was I going? Well, a short time later the Dragon Princess of Shandu called me from Giant Tiger. Apparently they\u0026rsquo;d rearranged the store and she couldn\u0026rsquo;t find the ketchup so I had to meet her. While I was there I stole some telephone wire and three VHS copies of Blind Date starring a young Bruce Willis. Shandu, her ketchup, Blind Date and I retreated into the night.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/chamber-of-secrets/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo last night I found the Wizard\u0026rsquo;s key. Turned out it was right where the Elf lords told me it would be \u0026ndash; in the freezer next to my monster-sized Kit-Kat.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI took the key and put it into the lock. The chamber opened and inside I found a large jar of chunky peanut butter, two litres of homo milk and a Bic lighter. Not knowing what to do, I called Ryan Spoar. He suggested I put on my tightest jeans and \u0026ldquo;head on over,\u0026rdquo; but I failed to see how that would help so I pretended we had a bad connection and hung up.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Chamber of secrets"},{"content":"I rode a horse (briefly) yesterday. I did (not) shit myself. I may just (have to) do it again.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/sleepy-possum-flies/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI rode a horse (briefly) yesterday. I did (not) shit myself. I may just (have to) do it again.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Sleepy possum flies"},{"content":"I drove to work yesterday and for the second time I could swear I was right behind an 18 wheeler full of cocoa. It smelled like cocoa and residue on the side of the truck looked like cocoa. I\u0026rsquo;ve gotta believe it was cocoa. It\u0026rsquo;s very important to me to think that large quantities of tasty items are transported in such a carefree way because that\u0026rsquo;s the kind of world I want to live in.\nGot home from work last night and consumed all manners of tarts and strudels. Even the dogs were disgusted. I did some surfing around to kill time and stumbled upon some clips of Beth doing commercials for a pizza place in Kentucky. Take a look:\nAnd no, that\u0026rsquo;s not me in the middle wearing black make-up.\nHere\u0026rsquo;s another one:\nMakes me want to eat pizza. Mind you, sunlight, moonlight and weekdays have the same effect.\nOff work today and have some big plans. First I\u0026rsquo;ll be finishing up here on the toilet, then I\u0026rsquo;m eying up a shower and the grand finale will be more strudels and maybe an energetic 3 minutes on the elliptical while the kitty watches my bosom swing to and fro.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/cocoa-dump-truck/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI drove to work yesterday and for the second time I could swear I was right behind an 18 wheeler full of cocoa. It smelled like cocoa and residue on the side of the truck looked like cocoa. I\u0026rsquo;ve gotta believe it was cocoa. It\u0026rsquo;s very important to me to think that large quantities of tasty items are transported in such a carefree way because that\u0026rsquo;s the kind of world I want to live in.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Cocoa dump truck"},{"content":"A quick note to the Petro Canada woman from Sunday afternoon: Next time I buy something for $1.13 and give you $1.25, realize that I won\u0026rsquo;t accept just a dime as change. You dig your fat grimy hand into the register, your purse, your fat husband\u0026rsquo;s asshole, whatever and FIND ME TWO PENNIES! And don\u0026rsquo;t think for a second that this is over. Next time I need ice and pay for two bags, I\u0026rsquo;m taking three. That\u0026rsquo;s right. Suck it.\nOh, and a quick note to the waiter from Monday night: You actually forgot to charge me for the extra bacon I put on my hamburger. Next time I\u0026rsquo;m in, I owe you $1.15. Sorry.\nI guess life evens out eventually.\nSo Beth was on RAW again Monday night. Perhaps more awesome is this picture you\u0026rsquo;ll now find of her on the WWE website. That\u0026rsquo;s some great work! It\u0026rsquo;s eerily reminiscent of the photo session for my final year of high school yearbook photos. I recall my 5-stack of chins was perched ever so delicately on my palm and my enormous glasses had a jaunty tilt that accented my cheek fat. My productless hair was wilting over my disproportionate ears and\u0026hellip; wait, Beth\u0026rsquo;s picture reminds me nothing of that. Nothing at all. In fact I\u0026rsquo;m sorry for everything I\u0026rsquo;ve ever said or done to Beth and anyone else with blonde hair and a face.\nI\u0026rsquo;ve taken the liberty of abbreviating her latest match. We\u0026rsquo;re all really just here to see Beth, and when the WWE eventually takes legal action against me, I\u0026rsquo;m hoping it gives me a leg to stand on that I haven\u0026rsquo;t posted the entire match.\nHere it is, not in its entirety:\nSo I know what you\u0026rsquo;re all dying to know, \u0026ldquo;What did Dave have for dinner tonight?\u0026rdquo; If your guess is two butter tarts followed by two microwave burritoes and a generous helping of milk straight from the jug, then fuck me! I guess you know me pretty well, now don\u0026rsquo;t you?! I suggest you all run out and try the No Name Beef Burrito. Two minutes on high and it really is to die for!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-think-he-took-that-guys-wallet/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eA quick note to the Petro Canada woman from Sunday afternoon: Next time I buy something for $1.13 and give you $1.25, realize that I won\u0026rsquo;t accept just a dime as change. You dig your fat grimy hand into the register, your purse, your fat husband\u0026rsquo;s asshole, whatever and FIND ME TWO PENNIES! And don\u0026rsquo;t think for a second that this is over. Next time I need ice and pay for two bags, I\u0026rsquo;m taking three. That\u0026rsquo;s right. Suck it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I think he took that guy's wallet"},{"content":"School camping trips were excellent. I remember in grade 6 or so we went tent camping. It was great except for almost losing a finger. The other kids were cutting wood for a massive campfire and I wanted to join in. I taught the teachers a valuable lesson that day \u0026ndash; don\u0026rsquo;t let the fat geek touch a hatchet. Only upside was getting escorted to medical assistance by the blonde whore who I presume was the fuck buddy of one of our grizzled teachers.\nThat was also the year that one of the kids tried to power eat a slab of steak and had it lodge in his throat and choke him. At that turning point in my life I figured it best to stand back and let others look after it. I\u0026rsquo;ve never really been one to jump into messy situations.\nThen there were the Grade 7 and 8 camping trips to Wahanowin. I learned how to kayak and how to fall out of the top of a bunk bed while deep asleep. I learned how fire extinguishers work and how the people who misuse them disappear for two days. I learned that a kick to the kidneys will drop a kid to his knees and witnessed the camaraderie of guys working together to get a peek into the girls\u0026rsquo; shower.\nFast forward to a high school graduation full of teen-aged retardation: Money-fueled turtle swallowing, alcohol-inspired tent-creaming, rage-fueled car burying and a side dish of hilarity. That was a messed up outing that several FED readers can\u0026rsquo;t, but would like to forget.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/my-lovely-lady-lumps/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSchool camping trips were excellent. I remember in grade 6 or so we went tent camping. It was great except for almost losing a finger. The other kids were cutting wood for a massive campfire and I wanted to join in. I taught the teachers a valuable lesson that day \u0026ndash; don\u0026rsquo;t let the fat geek touch a hatchet. Only upside was getting escorted to medical assistance by the blonde whore who I presume was the fuck buddy of one of our grizzled teachers.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"My lovely lady lumps"},{"content":"Thursday I worked.\nFriday I worked and ate pizza with the nieces and nephew.\nToday I yelled at the nieces and nephew for being children and spent a large sum of money on horse wear.\nI now go to bed as I\u0026rsquo;ll need all my wits about me to plan my next move in this game called life.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/fly-puncher/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThursday I worked.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFriday I worked and ate pizza with the nieces and nephew.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eToday I yelled at the nieces and nephew for being children and spent a large sum of money on horse wear.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI now go to bed as I\u0026rsquo;ll need all my wits about me to plan my next move in this game called life.\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003caudio controls preload=\"metadata\"\u003e\n  \u003csource src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/RadioShackSoda.mp3\" type=\"audio/mp3\"\u003e\n  Your browser does not support the audio element.\n\u003c/audio\u003e","title":"Fly puncher"},{"content":"So Beth made another appearance on RAW Monday night. Didn\u0026rsquo;t wrestle, rather she escorted Melina to the ring. Think she was still the showstopper though after seeing what she was wearing. In fact, she looked so good that I\u0026rsquo;m not even posting the whole match, just the intro. Check it out:\nVery nice Beth! Not since the following picture was taken have breasts looked so good in a red shirt!\nThis was taken about 6 years ago. It almost looks like I\u0026rsquo;m not wearing any pants which is absolutely terrifying. If you look closely you can see the funderoos sticking out from my shorts. Look even closer and you can see in the horse\u0026rsquo;s eye the realization that his life has hit rock bottom.\nOf course, I haven\u0026rsquo;t gotten on board our horse just yet. It\u0026rsquo;ll be some time still. Planning on going to pick up some riding gear on the weekend (let\u0026rsquo;s hope they make a size Fat Guy helmet, otherwise I\u0026rsquo;m gonna have to tape two together!).\nTaking Jeff Bratt\u0026rsquo;s suggestion, I\u0026rsquo;ve added a link at the top right (see the glowing man) where you can email me very easily. Please, don\u0026rsquo;t be gentle. Call me trash and make me feel it!!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/sink-soup/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo Beth made another appearance on RAW Monday night. Didn\u0026rsquo;t wrestle, rather she escorted Melina to the ring. Think she was still the showstopper though after seeing what she was wearing. In fact, she looked so good that I\u0026rsquo;m not even posting the whole match, just the intro. Check it out:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eVery nice Beth! Not since the following picture was taken have breasts looked so good in a red shirt!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Sink soup"},{"content":"Another glorious day in Barnhardtland, highlighted by a visit by Canada\u0026rsquo;s own Chris Hickey at the office. He fed me foul smelling yet delightful tasting candies and sent me off with only the best of wishes.\nReally an otherwise uneventful day which I choose to end now. Good day and good luck!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/skin-tag/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAnother glorious day in Barnhardtland, highlighted by a visit by Canada\u0026rsquo;s own Chris Hickey at the office. He fed me foul smelling yet delightful tasting candies and sent me off with only the best of wishes.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eReally an otherwise uneventful day which I choose to end now. Good day and good luck!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"cialisangeaut.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/cialisangeaut.jpg\"\u003e\n\n\u003caudio controls preload=\"metadata\"\u003e\n  \u003csource src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Drank.mp3\" type=\"audio/mp3\"\u003e\n  Your browser does not support the audio element.\n\u003c/audio\u003e\n\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Skin tag"},{"content":"Woke up this morning at 4:30 am. I remember a time not so long ago when we\u0026rsquo;d just be getting home at that time, but I digress.\nMade it to work for 8 am. I don\u0026rsquo;t often see the Woodbine at that time of day. It\u0026rsquo;s a magical place where light bulbs give off a powerful vanilla aroma and door knobs are filled with heavy cream. Actually it\u0026rsquo;s no different from later on in the day except elves in blue shirts and khakis are washing dishes and cleaning Barnhardt stains off the floors. I can be somewhat condescending because these folk don\u0026rsquo;t own computers.\nGot some shit accomplished. Ate soup. Headed to Mohawk, then home.\nWas walking in the door at 5 pm. I\u0026rsquo;m not usually here at this time of day. It\u0026rsquo;s a not-so-magical place where kittens hang from window blinds, the wife\u0026rsquo;s car is home an hour earlier than it should be and a strange rhythmic thumping comes from the master bed\u0026hellip; oh God. Oh, sweet merciful God.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/we-built-this-city/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke up this morning at 4:30 am. I remember a time not so long ago when we\u0026rsquo;d just be getting home at that time, but I digress.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMade it to work for 8 am. I don\u0026rsquo;t often see the Woodbine at that time of day. It\u0026rsquo;s a magical place where light bulbs give off a powerful vanilla aroma and door knobs are filled with heavy cream. Actually it\u0026rsquo;s no different from later on in the day except elves in blue shirts and khakis are washing dishes and cleaning Barnhardt stains off the floors. I can be somewhat condescending because these folk don\u0026rsquo;t own computers.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"We built this City"},{"content":"Got up at 7 this morning to go shoot a horse\u0026hellip; show. Pictures that is. But interrupt sleep so early on a Sunday morning? That hurt. Man, it was one of those fabulous sleeps too. Just the right temperature and the sheets were soft as a kitten\u0026rsquo;s whisper. But that, much like my brief foray into vegetarianism, had to come to an end.\nHeaded out to Fonthill and took some pics. Forgot my damn sunscreen and ended up getting a little crispy. Whadda ya gonna do? Headed home around 5.\nAfter seeing all those \u0026ldquo;normal-sized\u0026rdquo; horses, I really get more of an appreciation for just how big our horse is. And before I forget, here\u0026rsquo;s one more insight into the motivation behind me wanting a horse. Someday, when the mood strikes me, I\u0026rsquo;m gonna need to be on horseback to carry out this move just right:\nArrived back at the compound around 5:30 and filled my hole with Tostito\u0026rsquo;s and leftover Tuna Helper. I now await bedtime, which I\u0026rsquo;m thinking will be soon. Another work week begins tomorrow. I can barely contain myself. Hooray for Hollywood.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/burnt-toast/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eGot up at 7 this morning to go shoot a horse\u0026hellip; show. Pictures that is. But interrupt sleep so early on a Sunday morning? That hurt. Man, it was one of those fabulous sleeps too. Just the right temperature and the sheets were soft as a kitten\u0026rsquo;s whisper. But that, much like my brief foray into vegetarianism, had to come to an end.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHeaded out to Fonthill and took some pics. Forgot my damn sunscreen and ended up getting a little crispy. Whadda ya gonna do? Headed home around 5.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Burnt toast"},{"content":"Yesterday was uneventful. I worked. I didn\u0026rsquo;t eat any Baconators. I came home.\nToday we got up, grabbed a coffee and headed to the lawn \u0026amp; garden store. Picked up some crushed stone to complete the patio stones. From there we stopped to get my Mom and headed over to see the horse (since I only own one horse and don\u0026rsquo;t feel right calling him any name, I\u0026rsquo;m going with \u0026ldquo;the horse\u0026rdquo;).\nWe got there and he was outside enjoying a fly-filled afternoon. Took him out for a lengthy photo shoot. Put him into the sandy paddock and he went for a roll. I\u0026rsquo;m told they do this because it feels good, but I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure he was poking fun at me somehow.\nFrom there we stopped at Hello\u0026rsquo;s for a bite to eat. This is primarily a dessert place and the same place where Jeff and I stopped a few years back. Actually it was about 10 years ago. I had my beautiful green 4x4. As I went to pull out of the gravel parking lot, I spun my tires (out of possible rage) and launched stones back at other vehicles and the building. I say possible rage, but anyone who knows me has seen me get angry over something minor. I suspect there was an unfavourable ice cream to chocolate bar ratio in my Flurry. That\u0026rsquo;s all it takes.\nIt started to rain so we headed back to the farm and let the horse back in. I picked his feet and Kat and I helped some horses on a trailer. All of this horse action left me smelling like, oddly enough, horse, so I headed home for a shower.\nSome dinner and now we\u0026rsquo;re bumming around. Well, Kat\u0026rsquo;s doing productive things like dishes and laundry and I\u0026rsquo;m doing this. Necessary chores or entertaining a nation? I think we all know who\u0026rsquo;s got their priorities in line.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/man-jugs-and-mini-wheats/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eYesterday was uneventful. I worked. I didn\u0026rsquo;t eat any Baconators. I came home.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eToday we got up, grabbed a coffee and headed to the lawn \u0026amp; garden store. Picked up some crushed stone to complete the patio stones. From there we stopped to get my Mom and headed over to see the horse (since I only own one horse and don\u0026rsquo;t feel right calling him any name, I\u0026rsquo;m going with \u0026ldquo;the horse\u0026rdquo;).\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Man jugs and Mini-Wheats"},{"content":"Woke up at 6:30 today and got down to business.\nStopped at the tack shop on the way into work to get a fly mask for Zed (I\u0026rsquo;ve shortened \u0026ldquo;Ziggy Piggy\u0026rdquo; to \u0026ldquo;Zed\u0026rdquo; for now as I pursue a less gay and more that-guy-who-raped-Marcellus appeal to the big horse). Got the jumbo size. It should fit well.\nTime flew by at work and I headed home. Another sweet ride on the 407. I\u0026rsquo;m loving it!\nHeaded over to the Mom\u0026rsquo;s place to fix her computer and cut the grass (in the rain). While I was there I unearthed this gem of a photo. That\u0026rsquo;s me in the back and Andrew \u0026ldquo;my hamster just died\u0026rdquo; Barnhardt in front. This was taken 25 years ago in 1982. I think this may have been the peak year of my life. I hadn\u0026rsquo;t yet been deflated by the arrival of glasses and I was still being dressed in sports-themed attire, almost as if to suggest I\u0026rsquo;m a male.\nGotta say I\u0026rsquo;m very close to returning to that hair style, though I doubt it\u0026rsquo;ll be Swedish white ever again. And man, could I be any less concerned about my tooth gap? How inspiring! You rock 1982 Barnhardt. You rock.\nGot back home and Kat had barbecued dinner. Tasty. And now I\u0026rsquo;m producing gas that\u0026rsquo;s chamber worthy so I head up to bed. A good day to you all.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/im-not-sure-what-you-did-last-summer/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke up at 6:30 today and got down to business.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eStopped at the tack shop on the way into work to get a fly mask for Zed (I\u0026rsquo;ve shortened \u0026ldquo;Ziggy Piggy\u0026rdquo; to \u0026ldquo;Zed\u0026rdquo; for now as I pursue a less gay and more that-guy-who-raped-Marcellus appeal to the big horse). Got the jumbo size. It should fit well.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTime flew by at work and I headed home. Another sweet ride on the 407. I\u0026rsquo;m loving it!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I'm not sure what you did last Summer"},{"content":"So last night we went to see Big Foot (the horse). Kat took the opportunity to take a picture of my gut and man jugs.\nHe stretched his legs, ran around and did some good bucking. The air beetles got to us all. We presented him his new halter and called it a night. Probably will see him again later this week.\nGot off to work in good time this morning and had a smooth drive in. I\u0026rsquo;ve decided to pick up a transponder for the 407 as after 8 1/2 years I\u0026rsquo;m finally gonna try to curb my insanity. Took it home the past two days and already find myself kicking the kitty and throwing the C bomb at the dogs a little less.\nHeat wave finally broke a bit so the office was bearable. Reasonably productive day and then home.\nJust finished watching the documentary The Bridge. It\u0026rsquo;s about the suicidal hot spot that is the Golden Gate bridge. You know, one guy actually survived by using the \u0026ldquo;Jeff Girdlestone technique\u0026rdquo; \u0026ndash; going in ass first with his knees slightly bent. Good for him.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/yes-i-drank-blue-cheese/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo last night we went to see Big Foot (the horse). Kat took the opportunity to take a picture of my gut and man jugs.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"pict4039.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/pict4039.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHe stretched his legs, ran around and did some good bucking. The air beetles got to us all. We presented him his new halter and called it a night. Probably will see him again later this week.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGot off to work in good time this morning and had a smooth drive in. I\u0026rsquo;ve decided to pick up a transponder for the 407 as after 8 1/2 years I\u0026rsquo;m finally gonna try to curb my insanity. Took it home the past two days and already find myself kicking the kitty and throwing the C bomb at the dogs a little less.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Yes, I drank blue cheese, Mother!"},{"content":"So I bought a horse. Well, we bought a horse, but we\u0026rsquo;re calling it mine. Kat has wanted him for months because she has a love affair going with him. I thought it\u0026rsquo;d be cool because he\u0026rsquo;s simply massive. I\u0026rsquo;ve always been a fan of Andre the Giant. I always Biggie Size my meals. Now I\u0026rsquo;ve got an upsized horse. Will I ride it? Yes. Will it kill me? There\u0026rsquo;s absolutely no chance I\u0026rsquo;m gonna survive this endeavour. Stay tuned for the hospitalizing hilarity!\nOh, his race name was Piggyback Cart. Not cool. His name for now is unofficially \u0026ldquo;Piggy.\u0026rdquo; Still not cool, but I\u0026rsquo;ve tacked \u0026ldquo;Ziggy\u0026rdquo; onto the beginning of that to get the name of the award for eating the enormous tasty dessert from Bill and Ted\u0026rsquo;s Excellent Adventure \u0026ndash; Ziggy Piggy. He may come to think his name is \u0026ldquo;FAG!\u0026rdquo; as that\u0026rsquo;s the word onlookers will be tossing around as I ride him and gently weep.\nOne other thing. In his last race, which was only yesterday, he won and did so quite handily. It\u0026rsquo;ll be his last race as his future only holds the back breaking misery of trying to lug around my fat tits. It\u0026rsquo;s good to know that he went out on a win. Much like Costanza, he practices showmanship.\nI\u0026rsquo;ve put up the video of Beth on RAW last night.\nIt\u0026rsquo;s a pretty good return. Haven\u0026rsquo;t got the official word from her camp as to their opinion of the match, but she didn\u0026rsquo;t die so I\u0026rsquo;m calling it successful.\nAnd I can\u0026rsquo;t finish this post without a word of thanks to Jeff, Renée and Elissa for being here when I got home and possessing chicken wings. They shared them. I kicked them out. I ate the wings and within 8 minutes was producing pure methane gas. Oh, and I actually drank the blue cheese. I so terribly wish I was kidding.\nUp too late. Gotta put these wings to bed!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-have-a-horse/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo I bought a horse. Well, \u003cstrong\u003e\u003cem\u003ewe\u003c/em\u003e\u003c/strong\u003e bought a horse, but we\u0026rsquo;re calling it mine. Kat has wanted him for months because she has a love affair going with him. I thought it\u0026rsquo;d be cool because he\u0026rsquo;s simply massive. I\u0026rsquo;ve always been a fan of Andre the Giant. I always Biggie Size my meals. Now I\u0026rsquo;ve got an upsized horse. Will I ride it? Yes. Will it kill me? There\u0026rsquo;s absolutely no chance I\u0026rsquo;m gonna survive this endeavour. Stay tuned for the hospitalizing hilarity!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I have a horse"},{"content":"\nHere\u0026rsquo;s Beth on last night\u0026rsquo;s RAW. She\u0026rsquo;d probably not consider this an especially good picture of herself, but this is exactly how she appears in all my dreams right before I spit on her and just after I\u0026hellip; JOE! Hey buddy. When did you get here?\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/beth-raw-pic/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"untitled.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/untitled.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHere\u0026rsquo;s Beth on last night\u0026rsquo;s RAW. She\u0026rsquo;d probably not consider this an especially good picture of herself, but this is exactly how she appears in all my dreams right before I spit on her and just after I\u0026hellip; JOE! Hey buddy. When did you get here?\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Beth RAW pic"},{"content":"Just finished watching Beth\u0026rsquo;s re-debut on RAW a few moments ago. Glad to see her back in action!! Will this allow Joe to quit his job at Toys \u0026lsquo;R Us? And retreat to an existence in which he\u0026rsquo;s not surrounded by Transformers and wrestling toys? Whadda you think?!\nI\u0026rsquo;ll get the video of this up ASAP.\nFirst day back to work was alright, but my office is still too hot. Everyone I\u0026rsquo;ve asked to help me with this problem has told me to go suck a dick. Don\u0026rsquo;t see how that\u0026rsquo;ll cool me off but perhaps I\u0026rsquo;m missing something. Spoar: Will that in fact cool me off?\nThe back of my neck has a case of the Monday\u0026rsquo;s, so I\u0026rsquo;m heading to bed. Supposed to rain tonight. Will it? How the fuck do I know?!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/yep-beth-on-raw/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eJust finished watching Beth\u0026rsquo;s re-debut on RAW a few moments ago. Glad to see her back in action!! Will this allow Joe to quit his job at Toys \u0026lsquo;R Us? And retreat to an existence in which he\u0026rsquo;s not surrounded by Transformers and wrestling toys? Whadda you think?!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;ll get the video of this up ASAP.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFirst day back to work was alright, but my office is still too hot. Everyone I\u0026rsquo;ve asked to help me with this problem has told me to go suck a dick. Don\u0026rsquo;t see how that\u0026rsquo;ll cool me off but perhaps I\u0026rsquo;m missing something. Spoar: Will that in fact cool me off?\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Yep, Beth on RAW!"},{"content":"\nWord on the street is that there\u0026rsquo;s a chance Beth will be returning to RAW tonight. Think you\u0026rsquo;d better watch it just in case!\nThe Score, tonight, 9 PM\n(immediately following Racenight, Woodbine\u0026rsquo;s live horse racing show\u0026hellip; which nobody watches!)\nIn related news, I may be appearing on Cops next Saturday. Don\u0026rsquo;t want to ruin the surprise, but I\u0026rsquo;ve had a little too much to drink and I\u0026rsquo;m shirtless!!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/beth-on-raw/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"img_1350-custom3.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/img_1350-custom.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWord on the street is that there\u0026rsquo;s a chance Beth will be returning to RAW tonight. Think you\u0026rsquo;d better watch it just in case!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eThe Score, tonight, 9 PM\u003c/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n(immediately following Racenight, Woodbine\u0026rsquo;s live horse racing show\u0026hellip; which nobody watches!)\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIn related news, I may be appearing on Cops next Saturday. Don\u0026rsquo;t want to ruin the surprise, but I\u0026rsquo;ve had a little too much to drink and I\u0026rsquo;m shirtless!!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Beth on RAW?"},{"content":"In the immortal words of Ryan Spoar, the party\u0026rsquo;s over\u0026hellip;\nYesterday I cut the grass as it began to rain and then did some work on the computer. That\u0026rsquo;s about it. Oh, then I made a \u0026ldquo;soft taco bake\u0026rdquo; that went horribly wrong. Firstly, it didn\u0026rsquo;t look remotely like the package\u0026rsquo;s picture suggested it would. Secondly, when I was taking it out of the oven, it fell. It fell into the worst possible place: directly onto the hinge of the oven door. From there it dropped onto the floor, into the oven drawer and when I closed the door it traveled into the inner oven workings. I suspect that this will be a mess that my grandchildren\u0026rsquo;s children will still be trying to clean up.\nAnd it all came to a miserable end last night when our computer kinda died. It may live again (and in the mean time I have 18 others to choose from) but nonetheless it was a pisser.\nSo that was my vacation. My de-stresser if you will. Did it help? Well, it was fun while it lasted, but I suspect I\u0026rsquo;ll be Mr. Miserable again in about 2 hours when I get back to work. If that is the case, I\u0026rsquo;m gonna start cutting myself. But don\u0026rsquo;t worry, I\u0026rsquo;ve got about 10 inches of fat before I get to anything important.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vacation-day-eleven-no-happy-ending/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eIn the immortal words of Ryan Spoar, the party\u0026rsquo;s over\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYesterday I cut the grass as it began to rain and then did some work on the computer. That\u0026rsquo;s about it. Oh, then I made a \u0026ldquo;soft taco bake\u0026rdquo; that went horribly wrong. Firstly, it didn\u0026rsquo;t look remotely like the package\u0026rsquo;s picture suggested it would. Secondly, when I was taking it out of the oven, it fell. It fell into the worst possible place: directly onto the hinge of the oven door. From there it dropped onto the floor, into the oven drawer and when I closed the door it traveled into the inner oven workings. I suspect that this will be a mess that my grandchildren\u0026rsquo;s children will still be trying to clean up.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vacation Day Eleven: No happy ending"},{"content":"Woke up and felt like doing nothing (again). I think a piece of that Peking pork found its way into my spine. Hopefully it\u0026rsquo;ll find its way out because I don\u0026rsquo;t think that\u0026rsquo;s right.\nHeaded into the backyard for hopefully the second last day of work. It\u0026rsquo;s looking way better and I may actually want to start spending some time out there. That\u0026rsquo;s right, time. Shirtless time. Shirtless time with a Coke and a laptop. \u0026ldquo;Hey, the fat naked neighbour\u0026rsquo;s sunbathing again. Let\u0026rsquo;s move.\u0026rdquo; That kinda time.\nKat made an amazing dinner tonight featuring some stellar vegetables from our (her) garden. I think it\u0026rsquo;s awesome that you buy something, plant it and it pays off with free edibles. I also think it\u0026rsquo;s awesome that every night around 9 it gets dark and around 6 the next day it gets light. Guess I\u0026rsquo;m easily impressed.\nDid some TV watching and Kat whipped up some banana bread. Damn tasty! She rocks!!\nMy last night without having to get up early the next day as this vacation is winding down. I have a list of 38 things I\u0026rsquo;d like to accomplish tomorrow and will likely only get to 2 of them: 1/ eat everything, 2/ regret eating everything. Sounds good to me.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vacation-day-10-congestion/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke up and felt like doing nothing (again). I think a piece of that Peking pork found its way into my spine. Hopefully it\u0026rsquo;ll find its way out because I don\u0026rsquo;t think that\u0026rsquo;s right.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHeaded into the backyard for hopefully the second last day of work. It\u0026rsquo;s looking way better and I may actually want to start spending some time out there. That\u0026rsquo;s right, time. Shirtless time. Shirtless time with a Coke and a laptop. \u003cem\u003e\u0026ldquo;Hey, the fat naked neighbour\u0026rsquo;s sunbathing again. Let\u0026rsquo;s move.\u0026rdquo;\u003c/em\u003e That kinda time.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vacation Day Ten: Congestion"},{"content":"Lots of running around yesterday.\nFraming place for some frames. Garden place for a trellis, a plant and a couple patio stones. Farm to check on Kat\u0026rsquo;s horse.\nCame home for a nap, then off to the Mandarin for some over eating. Can\u0026rsquo;t recall them having the \u0026ldquo;Peking Pork\u0026rdquo; before, but last night it and I began a love affair that should simmer for years to come. Also had a large number of shrimp, perogies and General Tao\u0026rsquo;s, of course.\nHow do I feel today, you ask? Like absolute hell. Partially due to the grease and partially due to an escalating illness that should see me pooping out organs later tonight. Like I\u0026rsquo;m not gonna hate going back to work enough as it is, I gotta be sick as well. What have I done to deserve this? Oh yeah, see my previous 8 posts\u0026hellip;\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vacation-day-nine-peking-pork/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eLots of running around yesterday.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFraming place for some frames. Garden place for a trellis, a plant and a couple patio stones. Farm to check on Kat\u0026rsquo;s horse.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCame home for a nap, then off to the Mandarin for some over eating. Can\u0026rsquo;t recall them having the \u0026ldquo;Peking Pork\u0026rdquo; before, but last night it and I began a love affair that should simmer for years to come. Also had a large number of shrimp, perogies and General Tao\u0026rsquo;s, of course.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vacation Day Nine: Peking Pork"},{"content":"Awoke early. Did nothing \u0026rsquo;till 2. Went to see Kyle. He\u0026rsquo;s doing fine.\nOn the way home stopped for a Big Bacon Classic to celebrate another Thursday alive. Made me wish I was dead.\nKat got home and we went down to the water to take some pictures of Lesley with her dog Tobey.\nThat\u0026rsquo;s him with his beak fully submerged as he tries to retrieve a rock from the Niagara River (he stayed under for like 10 seconds!). Pretty inspiring. I haven\u0026rsquo;t put that much effort into anything I\u0026rsquo;ve ever done in my life.\nCame home. Ate pizza. Watched Premonition with Sandra Bullock. You see some t-shirt nips at a couple points, but otherwise it\u0026rsquo;s a terrible movie.\nNow off to bed. I feel a cold coming on. What a great way to wind down my beautiful vacation!!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vacation-day-eight-bbc/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAwoke early. Did nothing \u0026rsquo;till 2. Went to see Kyle. He\u0026rsquo;s doing fine.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOn the way home stopped for a Big Bacon Classic to celebrate another Thursday alive. Made me wish I was dead.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eKat got home and we went down to the water to take some pictures of Lesley with her dog Tobey.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"pict3922-custom.JPG\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/pict3922-custom.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat\u0026rsquo;s him with his beak fully submerged as he tries to retrieve a rock from the Niagara River (he stayed under for like 10 seconds!). Pretty inspiring. I haven\u0026rsquo;t put that much effort into anything I\u0026rsquo;ve ever done in my life.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vacation Day Eight: BBC"},{"content":"Did so little today it hurts. Let\u0026rsquo;s blame it on the rain.\nWas up at 8 and the first sign of activity showed up around 2:30. Went to Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s and Giant Tiger. Bought some blueberries. For future reference, if you eat 1 pint of blueberries, your gas will smell like blueberries. It\u0026rsquo;s true.\nMade dinner. Took out the laundry. Punched my Kat cat. Now heading to bed. Hopefully some better weather to come!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vacation-day-seven-raindrops/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eDid so little today it hurts. Let\u0026rsquo;s blame it on the rain.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWas up at 8 and the first sign of activity showed up around 2:30. Went to Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s and Giant Tiger. Bought some blueberries. For future reference, if you eat 1 pint of blueberries, your gas \u003cem\u003ewill\u003c/em\u003e smell like blueberries. It\u0026rsquo;s true.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMade dinner. Took out the laundry. Punched my Kat cat. Now heading to bed. Hopefully some better weather to come!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vacation Day Seven: Raindrops"},{"content":"So after 6 years of wondering what the fuck to do with the patio, we\u0026rsquo;re just about done. I\u0026rsquo;d really been baffled as to the best way to deal with fitting some patio stones around the deck posts. In the end, I figured I\u0026rsquo;d give cutting the patio stones a try. Who would\u0026rsquo;ve known it\u0026rsquo;d be a 2-minute process! God I love the fact that I let the littlest shit occupy so much fucking space in my head. I think I may be technically retarded.\nBefore I cut the stones I watched the Transformers movie. It was alright. I take away from it a strong desire to possibly invest in the new Camaro when it comes out. I\u0026rsquo;ll get it in yellow and name it Bumble Bee. It won\u0026rsquo;t be able to transform on its own, but I\u0026rsquo;ll help. I\u0026rsquo;ll transform it into a depressing shithole filled with Wendy\u0026rsquo;s wrappers, drink stains and shattered dreams.\nKat got home and we did a little more backyarding, then barbecued for dinner. Afterwards we stopped by the Old Fort to see some of the old guys and absorb some abuse. They headed off to see Transformers and I came home to count my money.\nAt the halfway point of my vacation now and I\u0026rsquo;m proud of myself for not thinking about work. I\u0026rsquo;ve so far greatly enjoyed watching my hair, beard and gut grow to new lengths and girths. I\u0026rsquo;m disgusting and I love it!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vacation-day-six-six-years/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo after 6 years of wondering what the fuck to do with the patio, we\u0026rsquo;re just about done. I\u0026rsquo;d really been baffled as to the best way to deal with fitting some patio stones around the deck posts. In the end, I figured I\u0026rsquo;d give cutting the patio stones a try. Who would\u0026rsquo;ve known it\u0026rsquo;d be a 2-minute process! God I love the fact that I let the littlest shit occupy so much fucking space in my head. I think I may be technically retarded.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vacation Day Six: Six Years"},{"content":"So I woke up at about 8:30 to start the day. Was downstairs by 10:30, eating a burrito and 2 sausages by 1 and heading off to Home Hardware by 2:30.\nGot some parts from HH. Came home and finished off the backyard hose setup. Have now got the necessary gear to attempt to cut some patio stones. Planning on trying this tomorrow and being out of the hospital by early next week. I really do expect a grade A injury on this one.\nWhipped up some tacos hard shell style for dinner and completed a couple loads of laundry and some dishes. Having done all that, I went upstairs and painted my nails like all pretty girls must.\nHeading off to bed now. Hope all you suckers are enjoying work!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vacation-day-five-laundry-day/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo I woke up at about 8:30 to start the day. Was downstairs by 10:30, eating a burrito and 2 sausages by 1 and heading off to Home Hardware by 2:30.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGot some parts from HH. Came home and finished off the backyard hose setup. Have now got the necessary gear to attempt to cut some patio stones. Planning on trying this tomorrow and being out of the hospital by early next week. I really do expect a grade A injury on this one.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vacation Day Five: Laundry Day"},{"content":"Getting behind here. Woke up yesterday and went to see the latest Die Hard movie. Pretty entertaining. Whole movie was almost ruined by a scene at the end where Bruce Willis rides the wing of a fighter jet. Eerily reminiscent of a scene in True Lies where a foreigner hangs out on a jet and takes a hilarious nut shot from the tail wing.\nI\u0026rsquo;m not much of an expert on this kinda thing, but is that even possible? Wouldn\u0026rsquo;t it be pretty inhospitable up there? Or maybe I\u0026rsquo;m way off and it\u0026rsquo;s quite pleasant. The kinda place where you\u0026rsquo;d take the kids for a picnic. With sandwiches and chips and watermelon and horseshoes. Keep \u0026rsquo;er steady Schwarzenegger, you just made me spill my Freshie!\nWent to Swiss Chalet after the movie and it was the worst SC experience ever. Couldn\u0026rsquo;t wait to get home and complain to them via email. I put on my head-to-toe Ryan Spoar costume, pushed my chin out and got to typing. Here\u0026rsquo;s hoping for a voucher of some kind!\nKat got home and I escorted her and the ladies down to the Friendship Festival to meet up with the extended family. Killed time \u0026rsquo;till the concert which featured Aerosmith and KISS tribute bands.\nThis was the Aerosmith tribute band who came up first. After 10 minutes they had yet to sing any actual Aerosmith songs, so we left.\nGot back to the house and loaded up in the car for a Dairy Queen run. There were no incidents like the one below and we took our tasty treats and headed home. The vacation continues!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vacation-day-four-live-fat-die-young/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eGetting behind here. Woke up yesterday and went to see the latest Die Hard movie. Pretty entertaining. Whole movie was almost ruined by a scene at the end where Bruce Willis rides the wing of a fighter jet. Eerily reminiscent of a scene in True Lies where a foreigner hangs out on a jet and takes a hilarious nut shot from the tail wing.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"jetwalking.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/jetwalking.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;m not much of an expert on this kinda thing, but is that even possible? Wouldn\u0026rsquo;t it be pretty inhospitable up there? Or maybe I\u0026rsquo;m way off and it\u0026rsquo;s quite pleasant. The kinda place where you\u0026rsquo;d take the kids for a picnic. With sandwiches and chips and watermelon and horseshoes. Keep \u0026rsquo;er steady Schwarzenegger, you just made me spill my Freshie!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vacation Day Four: Live Fat, Die Young"},{"content":"So something\u0026rsquo;s definitely up with my site host. You\u0026rsquo;ve probably seen errors and slow performance the past little while. I\u0026rsquo;m trying to get to the bottom of it, but haven\u0026rsquo;t yet. Bear with me.\nWoke up around 10 and ate some oatmeal. It was the flavoured kind that is actually pretty unhealthy if you read the back of it. So I had two. Why? Cuz fuck you, that\u0026rsquo;s why.\nWent outside later in the afternoon and cut the grass. Expanded the acreage of Kat\u0026rsquo;s garden. Hung up a hose. That\u0026rsquo;s about it.\nHeaded out and picked up some sausages, buns, pretzels and Coke. Fired up the barbecue and Kat returned home from her horse show. She did well. No falls. Couple ribbons. Can\u0026rsquo;t recall ever winning a ribbon for doing anything. I did win a typewriter from that typing contest in \u0026lsquo;91. Yes, I was in a typing contest. No, I\u0026rsquo;m not gay.\nWhat\u0026rsquo;s on tap for tomorrow you ask? Well you\u0026rsquo;ll just have to tune in to find out! Here\u0026rsquo;s a bit of a teaser: There are 2 sausages left to eat and 1/3rd of a bottle of Coke in the fridge. Can someone say stomach ache and a poop!!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vacation-day-three-go-on-take-everything/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo something\u0026rsquo;s definitely up with my site host. You\u0026rsquo;ve probably seen errors and slow performance the past little while. I\u0026rsquo;m trying to get to the bottom of it, but haven\u0026rsquo;t yet. Bear with me.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWoke up around 10 and ate some oatmeal. It was the flavoured kind that is actually pretty unhealthy if you read the back of it. So I had two. Why? Cuz fuck you, that\u0026rsquo;s why.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWent outside later in the afternoon and cut the grass. Expanded the acreage of Kat\u0026rsquo;s garden. Hung up a hose. That\u0026rsquo;s about it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vacation Day Three: Go on, take everything"},{"content":"Kat had the day off so we went to work on getting some more stuff done with the patio. Only a few more stones left to put down, then I can do some wood work on the deck and finish that bitch off. Can\u0026rsquo;t wait.\nHad some pizza for dinner and watched some TV. Continue to do that now with beer replacing pizza. Heading to bed soon. Some more work in the yard tomorrow and then another day of nothing (I hope) for Sunday.\nSo far the vacation\u0026rsquo;s going well. I\u0026rsquo;m not that stable though. The first time my cell phone rings with Woodbine trouble I\u0026rsquo;m gonna break down and gently sob behind the water heater in the basement.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vacation-day-two-too-much-work/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eKat had the day off so we went to work on getting some more stuff done with the patio. Only a few more stones left to put down, then I can do some wood work on the deck and finish that bitch off. Can\u0026rsquo;t wait.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHad some pizza for dinner and watched some TV. Continue to do that now with beer replacing pizza. Heading to bed soon. Some more work in the yard tomorrow and then another day of nothing (I hope) for Sunday.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vacation Day Two: Too much work"},{"content":"The victims:\nThe playing field:\nThe aftermath:\nLet me just take this opportunity to say that Home Hardware is the best store. They\u0026rsquo;ve never let me down. When Canadian Tire fucks me, HH always has my back. Last time I tried to buy pellets at CT they wanted paperwork. HH couldn\u0026rsquo;t have been happier to sell them to me. Anyway, today I had to restock and they took care of me again.\nThat was day one \u0026ndash; shooting stuff at my Mom\u0026rsquo;s house. That\u0026rsquo;s all there is on the schedule for today. Gotta pace myself!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/decompression-day-one/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThe victims:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"img_7222-custom.JPG\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/img_7222-custom.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe playing field:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"img_7223-custom.JPG\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/img_7223-custom.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe aftermath:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"img_7224-custom.JPG\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/img_7224-custom.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eLet me just take this opportunity to say that Home Hardware is the best store. They\u0026rsquo;ve never let me down. When Canadian Tire fucks me, HH always has my back. Last time I tried to buy pellets at CT they wanted paperwork. HH couldn\u0026rsquo;t have been happier to sell them to me. Anyway, today I had to restock and they took care of me again.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vacation Day One: Decompression"},{"content":"Well today my fucking office was at least as hot as yesterday and I couldn\u0026rsquo;t wait to get out. Found out near the end of the day that the a/c was in fact broken. Does me little good now, but hopefully it\u0026rsquo;ll be fixed before I head back on the 9th. One can only hope that my sweaty stink has dissipated by then too.\nGot the hell out of work around 5:30 and treated myself to a 407 ride home. Figured I\u0026rsquo;d start off my abbreviated Summer of Dave with a shorter than usual ride home. Worked out okay. Got home at 7 and decided to have a nap. Ate some olives, pickles and cottage cheese and went promptly to bed.\nWoke up, ate food that shouldn\u0026rsquo;t have been eaten at 11 at night and watched a movie. Heading to bed soon.\nSo I\u0026rsquo;m off for a bit now. Not sure how I\u0026rsquo;ll spend my time. Planned trip to the US is off. FortErieJOE and AmericaBETH are heading this way next week. Until then, I\u0026rsquo;ll probably lounge around and decompress. Look for pictures of me doing varying degrees of nothing in varying states of undress!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-waited-so-long/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWell today my fucking office was at least as hot as yesterday and I couldn\u0026rsquo;t wait to get out. Found out near the end of the day that the a/c was in fact broken. Does me little good now, but hopefully it\u0026rsquo;ll be fixed before I head back on the 9th. One can only hope that my sweaty stink has dissipated by then too.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGot the hell out of work around 5:30 and treated myself to a 407 ride home. Figured I\u0026rsquo;d start off my abbreviated Summer of Dave with a shorter than usual ride home. Worked out okay. Got home at 7 and decided to have a nap. Ate some olives, pickles and cottage cheese and went promptly to bed.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I waited so long"},{"content":"\nSo to sum up the day\u0026rsquo;s activities\u0026hellip;\n1. Drove to work.\n2. Ate Baconator.\n3. Sweated at my desk.\n4. Drove home.\n5. Ate snacks, crackers, desserts, excessive amounts of milk and let\u0026rsquo;s face it, those \u0026ldquo;possible\u0026rdquo; burritos I\u0026rsquo;m mulling over will become a reality before my greasy head hits a pillow.\nSitting here writing this and Claire is trying to jump onto my lap. Just now she did and I promptly tossed her onto the floor. After her ass gave me a stinky kiss on the arm yesterday, I\u0026rsquo;m a little gun shy. I don\u0026rsquo;t think she\u0026rsquo;s reached that point in her life where she feels the need to clean up after a number two. Or it could be that she just can\u0026rsquo;t reach back there (which coincidentally is my excuse too). Either way, I smell like shit enough without her adding to the problem.\nHeading to bed soon. Tomorrow\u0026rsquo;s my last day at work before some WAY overdue time off. While I\u0026rsquo;m off, if you\u0026rsquo;d like to book me to come to your event to sign autographs or eat everything, drop me an email.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/and-the-fat-just-keeps-on-coming/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"bac.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/bac.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo to sum up the day\u0026rsquo;s activities\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e1. Drove to work.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e2. Ate Baconator.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e3. Sweated at my desk.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e4. Drove home.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e5. Ate snacks, crackers, desserts, excessive amounts of milk and let\u0026rsquo;s face it, those \u0026ldquo;possible\u0026rdquo; burritos I\u0026rsquo;m mulling over will become a reality before my greasy head hits a pillow.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSitting here writing this and Claire is trying to jump onto my lap. Just now she did and I promptly tossed her onto the floor. After her ass gave me a stinky kiss on the arm yesterday, I\u0026rsquo;m a little gun shy. I don\u0026rsquo;t think she\u0026rsquo;s reached that point in her life where she feels the need to clean up after a number two. Or it could be that she just can\u0026rsquo;t reach back there (which coincidentally is my excuse too). Either way, I smell like shit enough without her adding to the problem.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"And the FAT just keeps on coming"},{"content":"Beam just posted some pics from his Friday night engagement party. Kat and I left around 12:30 so I wanted to see what we missed. Looks like as of 1:07 am Jeff G. and Stacie were still tossing back the beers:\nHe\u0026rsquo;s such a little trooper, but the way I see it, he\u0026rsquo;s got nothing to smile about.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/jeff-g-it-only-hurts-when-im-sober/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eBeam just posted some pics from his Friday night engagement party. Kat and I left around 12:30 so I wanted to see what we missed. Looks like as of 1:07 am Jeff G. and Stacie were still tossing back the beers:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"beamengage04.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/beamengage04.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHe\u0026rsquo;s such a little trooper, but the way I see it, he\u0026rsquo;s got nothing to smile about.\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003caudio controls preload=\"metadata\"\u003e\n  \u003csource src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/RisingSun.mp3\" type=\"audio/mp3\"\u003e\n  Your browser does not support the audio element.\n\u003c/audio\u003e","title":"Jeff \"It only hurts when I'm sober\" Girdlestone"},{"content":"At the party last night, the usually negative Adam Girdlestone had only positive things to say about this video I put together around Dec. 31st last year. I had it posted as the front page prior to re-launching the site. Since the Facebook explosion has brought a number of new visitors, I thought I\u0026rsquo;d repost it for all to enjoy again.\nGotta pat myself on the back for this. I\u0026rsquo;ve watched it 20 times and still get a kick out of it. Hope you do too!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/2k7-opening-video-revisited/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAt the party last night, the usually negative Adam Girdlestone had only positive things to say about this video I put together around Dec. 31st last year. I had it posted as the front page prior to re-launching the site. Since the Facebook explosion has brought a number of new visitors, I thought I\u0026rsquo;d repost it for all to enjoy again.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGotta pat myself on the back for this. I\u0026rsquo;ve watched it 20 times and still get a kick out of it. Hope you do too!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"2k7 Opening Video Revisited"},{"content":"Let\u0026rsquo;s get ya caught up.\nThursday I went to the dentist. No problems although I think I was billed $120 for a small dab of goo they put on my teeth. That\u0026rsquo;s kind of a problem. Went for a bike ride with Kat. Touched up some scratches on her truck. Went to Kelsey\u0026rsquo;s for dinner and had the fish \u0026amp; chips and a couple Caesar\u0026rsquo;s. Woke up the next morning to find that nothing craps like Kelsey\u0026rsquo;s fish \u0026amp; chips and a couple Caesar\u0026rsquo;s. Went to work. Came home. Took care of some problems over the phone. Pretty standard couple of days.\nLast night Kat and I headed over to Beam\u0026rsquo;s place for a party to mark his engagement to Samantha. Got there at 10:30 and was quickly introduced to the chocolate fountain. The chocolate fountain asked why I\u0026rsquo;d shown up so late and insisted that I shove food into it and so I did. Ran into some old friends: Mabee, Dwyer and Ball. Had a couple beers around the bonfire and then called it a night.\nGood times and good luck to Kevin and Samantha.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/goodnight-now-its-time-to-go-home/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eLet\u0026rsquo;s get ya caught up.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThursday I went to the dentist. No problems although I think I was billed $120 for a small dab of goo they put on my teeth. That\u0026rsquo;s kind of a problem. Went for a bike ride with Kat. Touched up some scratches on her truck. Went to Kelsey\u0026rsquo;s for dinner and had the fish \u0026amp; chips and a couple Caesar\u0026rsquo;s. Woke up the next morning to find that nothing craps like Kelsey\u0026rsquo;s fish \u0026amp; chips and a couple Caesar\u0026rsquo;s. Went to work. Came home. Took care of some problems over the phone. Pretty standard couple of days.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Goodnight, now it's time to go home"},{"content":"Solid day at work started out with a tasty bagel with cream cheese. I think cream cheese may be the perfect food and sesame seed the best kind of bagel. That being said, it\u0026rsquo;s not exactly the friendliest driving food. My seat is covered with so many seeds it looks like I have one of those taxi driver bead covers.\nSeems my last post was a bit of a downer by all accounts. Chris Hickey has me on suicide watch and good ol\u0026rsquo; Fort Erie Joe insinuated he\u0026rsquo;d drive 8 hours to give me a cheer-up blow. I really should only post something if I\u0026rsquo;m drunk. At least then I have clarity and no cares to speak of. That being said I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure the least convincing argument for nightly drinking is, \u0026ldquo;I want to write something positive on my blog.\u0026rdquo; The best reason being, \u0026ldquo;I didn\u0026rsquo;t even see the deaf kid crossing the road and certainly can\u0026rsquo;t explain why I sped up.\u0026rdquo;\nStopped at the gas station on the way home from work. Got gas pump at 11. It was the best gas I\u0026rsquo;ve ever gotten my entire life.\nGot home and set up some website-related nerdery, because that\u0026rsquo;s what I do. You\u0026rsquo;ll hear more in the near future. It\u0026rsquo;ll be blogtastic.\nWent to the basement, reduced the weights on the bench to grade 3 girl levels and pretended to exert myself.\nHad some stuff to solder. Inhaled a good amount of smoke. It\u0026rsquo;s acting like a sleeping pill so I\u0026rsquo;m off. Nighty \u0026rsquo;night.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/ive-got-my-own-hell-to-raise/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSolid day at work started out with a tasty bagel with cream cheese. I think cream cheese may be the perfect food and sesame seed the best kind of bagel. That being said, it\u0026rsquo;s not exactly the friendliest driving food. My seat is covered with so many seeds it looks like I have one of those taxi driver bead covers.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSeems my last post was a bit of a downer by all accounts. Chris Hickey has me on suicide watch and good ol\u0026rsquo; Fort Erie Joe insinuated he\u0026rsquo;d drive 8 hours to give me a cheer-up blow. I really should only post something if I\u0026rsquo;m drunk. At least then I have clarity and no cares to speak of. That being said I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure the least convincing argument for nightly drinking is, \u0026ldquo;I want to write something positive on my blog.\u0026rdquo; The best reason being, \u0026ldquo;I didn\u0026rsquo;t even see the deaf kid crossing the road and certainly can\u0026rsquo;t explain why I sped up.\u0026rdquo;\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I've got my own hell to raise"},{"content":"Snoozed for a full 2 hours this morning \u0026ndash; possibly a new record! Headed off to work looking and feeling like a pile of shit. A pile of shit wearing a white shirt with Barnhardt stains and a 3-year-old shirt that looks to be twice that. Sounds like somebody had a case of the Mondays!\nNothing exciting gone on as of late. Figured I\u0026rsquo;d take one last scour of the hard drive for video that I haven\u0026rsquo;t over exposed. Found this little terd. It\u0026rsquo;s from 2004. Back when Girdy hadn\u0026rsquo;t begun masking his baldness and Spoar was all chin and bosom. No, it\u0026rsquo;s not particularly funny, but throw a catchy tune in the background and I\u0026rsquo;ll watch it!\nThink that about brings to a close my ongoing look back at fun times from the past. Seems like we\u0026rsquo;ve all moved on, so I must look to the future. Evidently a future where no one hangs out any more. No one drinks any more. No one parties any more. Is this what life\u0026rsquo;s all about? If so, I want out. Way out. Out into a land where every day I must eat myself out of a hickory stick-filled gymnasium, making brief stops along the way to sip at fountains of chocolate milk.\nTruthfully, I gotta figure this is all just a slump. I\u0026rsquo;m the least optimistic person I\u0026rsquo;ve ever known but even I must believe there\u0026rsquo;s still good times ahead. Does Barnhardt have to be the one to fire it up? I\u0026rsquo;ve finished bringing sexy back, guess I can start working on fun.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-dont-know/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSnoozed for a full 2 hours this morning \u0026ndash; possibly a new record! Headed off to work looking and feeling like a pile of shit. A pile of shit wearing a white shirt with Barnhardt stains and a 3-year-old shirt that looks to be twice that. Sounds like somebody had a case of the Mondays!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNothing exciting gone on as of late. Figured I\u0026rsquo;d take one last scour of the hard drive for video that I haven\u0026rsquo;t over exposed. Found this little terd. It\u0026rsquo;s from 2004. Back when Girdy hadn\u0026rsquo;t begun masking his baldness and Spoar was all chin and bosom. No, it\u0026rsquo;s not particularly funny, but throw a catchy tune in the background and I\u0026rsquo;ll watch it!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I don't know what you're looking for"},{"content":"So I got my new BlackBerry a few days ago. I\u0026rsquo;ve already fallen in love with it and as with all objects of my affection, I\u0026rsquo;ve also already hurt it. Dropped it crossing the parking lot on day two and the cement took a bite out of it. It immediately started crying and the cement said, \u0026ldquo;Suck it up and make me a sandwich.\u0026rdquo; Sonuva bitch if the sandwich wasn\u0026rsquo;t ready within 2 minutes and contained the finest sliced meats one could expect to find in a parking lot.\nGotta say that I still don\u0026rsquo;t have a handle on the vibrating/blinking/notification lights on this fucker. Another month or two and I should have it down. I remember many cell phones ago back around 2000 that I was the first guy I knew to have a song as a ringtone. It was Take On Me. Why? Because when reduced to beeps and boops the song retains all its coolness. I got rid of that ringtone and all song-related alerts when I realized shortly thereafter that it\u0026rsquo;s a phone and it should be acting as such. The rest of the World hasn\u0026rsquo;t followed suit.\nToday I woke earlier than usual for a Saturday and installed some updates to make life less miserable for tonight\u0026rsquo;s North America Cup. All went well and now I\u0026rsquo;m home and undecided on whether I\u0026rsquo;ll be going to shoot the horse show tomorrow in NOTL. Will have to make it a last minute call in the morning. If I don\u0026rsquo;t go and someone asks why I didn\u0026rsquo;t go, I\u0026rsquo;m just gonna say, \u0026ldquo;I didn\u0026rsquo;t want to.\u0026rdquo; I\u0026rsquo;m sick of explaining myself.\nFurthermore, I\u0026rsquo;m sick of talking altogether. Nothing especially good comes of it and I\u0026rsquo;m usually concerned that either a) I have ass breath or b) people are staring at my tooth gap. Heaven help me on a day when both fears team up. Those are the days you can\u0026rsquo;t find me and you hear gentle sobbing as you pass my office. When this happens, open the door and toss in a walnut crunch donut. Please?\nEnjoy another awesome sketch from Kids in the Hall. If this isn\u0026rsquo;t the type of father I become then I don\u0026rsquo;t even know myself anymore.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/blueberries/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo I got my new BlackBerry a few days ago. I\u0026rsquo;ve already fallen in love with it and as with all objects of my affection, I\u0026rsquo;ve also already hurt it. Dropped it crossing the parking lot on day two and the cement took a bite out of it. It immediately started crying and the cement said, \u0026ldquo;Suck it up and make me a sandwich.\u0026rdquo; Sonuva bitch if the sandwich wasn\u0026rsquo;t ready within 2 minutes and contained the finest sliced meats one could expect to find in a parking lot.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Blueberries"},{"content":"Woke this morning and as expected, I\u0026rsquo;m aching. The patio stone adventure from yesterday has taken it\u0026rsquo;s toll on my back fat and feminine hands. I feel like I\u0026rsquo;ve been palming a vibrating porcupine all morning. Were I the kind of person who did any kind of physical labour in my life, I might be able to take this. Oh wait, I have done physical labour. That construction job in \u0026lsquo;94 that ended in two rusty nails through my foot and a tetanus shot. And there was the lumberyard job from \u0026lsquo;97 where I sent in my resignation via fax. It\u0026rsquo;s quite possible I\u0026rsquo;m the World\u0026rsquo;s least manly man.\nStopped on the way to work to pick up some nerdery at the Nerd Hut and a bagel from the Bagel Hut, then forged on.\nWorking on ensuring everything\u0026rsquo;s ready for tomorrow night\u0026rsquo;s NA Cup and finding the time to cram in some excessive sweating. Heading home shortly and praying the remaining work to be done on the patio has been done by robots and that the robots left me some Cheese Whiz. I like Cheese Whiz and I hate greedy robots.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/hurry-hurry-hurry/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke this morning and as expected, I\u0026rsquo;m aching. The patio stone adventure from yesterday has taken it\u0026rsquo;s toll on my back fat and feminine hands. I feel like I\u0026rsquo;ve been palming a vibrating porcupine all morning. Were I the kind of person who did any kind of physical labour in my life, I might be able to take this. Oh wait, I have done physical labour. That construction job in \u0026lsquo;94 that ended in two rusty nails through my foot and a tetanus shot. And there was the lumberyard job from \u0026lsquo;97 where I sent in my resignation via fax. It\u0026rsquo;s quite possible I\u0026rsquo;m the World\u0026rsquo;s least manly man.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Hurry, hurry, hurry"},{"content":"\nWoke up today and felt like doing nothing. Kat felt like doing something. Guess who won?\nAs it would turn out the grunt work we got into paid off. The patio stones are being overcrowded by weeds that grow between. So we\u0026rsquo;ve got to lift them, clean out underneath, lay landscape fabric and put \u0026rsquo;em back. I\u0026rsquo;ve been dreading doing this for 6 years and it being so fucking hot this week doesn\u0026rsquo;t exactly motivate me. I sat at work yesterday and was sopping with sweat having done nothing. Arbuckle stopped by to mooch some gum and turning to speak with him caused further beads of creamy Barnhardt juice to roll down my back. But I digress\u0026hellip;\nFor a couple of weeks now we\u0026rsquo;ve seen occasional ants on the kitchen counter. Today we found the source under a couple of those patio stones. Aside from eating processed foods, I don\u0026rsquo;t think much makes me as content as giving ants a gas bath. And man did I give it to \u0026rsquo;em. The quantity of gas that I used could probably power a small Albanian villa for weeks. You can see in the picture at the top that those dirty little fuckers are now nice and clean. See how their abdomens shine in the Summer sun? You could eat off that!\nI\u0026rsquo;m on break right now as the boss is off dealing with her horse. She\u0026rsquo;ll be getting my bike tire looked at on the way back. Since I\u0026rsquo;ve ridden the bike exactly 4 times and already have a flat tire I\u0026rsquo;m hoping they\u0026rsquo;ll give her something to make us feel better. Perhaps a bucket of chicken. I may have to move the water bottle holder aside to make room for a bucket of chicken holder. Who knew I could get awesome-r?\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/theyre-all-so-beautiful-and-clean/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/ants.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"ants.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/ants.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWoke up today and felt like doing nothing. Kat felt like doing something. Guess who won?\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAs it would turn out the grunt work we got into paid off. The patio stones are being overcrowded by weeds that grow between. So we\u0026rsquo;ve got to lift them, clean out underneath, lay landscape fabric and put \u0026rsquo;em back. I\u0026rsquo;ve been dreading doing this for 6 years and it being so fucking hot this week doesn\u0026rsquo;t exactly motivate me. I sat at work yesterday and was sopping with sweat having done nothing. Arbuckle stopped by to mooch some gum and turning to speak with him caused further beads of creamy Barnhardt juice to roll down my back. But I digress\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e","title":"They're all so beautiful and clean"},{"content":"Woke up. Went to work. Came home. Did nothing.\nPlease enjoy one of my favourite sketches from Kids In the Hall:\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/you-aint-supposed-to-be-here/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke up. Went to work. Came home. Did nothing.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePlease enjoy one of my favourite sketches from Kids In the Hall:\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003caudio controls preload=\"metadata\"\u003e\n  \u003csource src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Signs.mp3\" type=\"audio/mp3\"\u003e\n  Your browser does not support the audio element.\n\u003c/audio\u003e","title":"You ain't supposed to be here"},{"content":"Day off as I worked yesterday. Woke around 9:45 and decided to roll with it. Kat unearthed a higher quality pillow for me last night and dusted the dog hair and excrement off the bed. I\u0026rsquo;ve told her the excrement was also from the dogs but there\u0026rsquo;s no way it\u0026rsquo;s not mine.\nPut some work into Tim\u0026rsquo;s laptop and then decided to go for another ride on the bike.\nStopped first to give some contraband entertainment to Kyle at the shop. He was working on Dan\u0026rsquo;s man van which is a sweet minivan painted rape red. Dan took every opportunity to \u0026ldquo;light up\u0026rdquo; the tires Saturday night on that biatch. It\u0026rsquo;s got a bumper sticker that says, \u0026ldquo;I\u0026rsquo;m only speeding because I have to poop!\u0026rdquo; The fact that Dan so boldly makes light of his biological faults that sees him shitting up to 80 times a day is both troubling and inspiring.\nAnywho, toted the bike down to the boulevard where I parked, assembled the bike and headed out.\nRealized almost immediately that my bladder contained urine that I needed to expel. Figured I\u0026rsquo;d make it a short trip and head home. This was until fortune smiled upon me and I found both a tree that was willing to receive my pee and a period of carlessness. I bolted into privacy and whizzed. It was performed flawlessly and I was quickly on my way with a newfound sense of bliss.\nShortly after, I saw a family of raccoons trying to cross the street. They looked at me like I was the one out of place. I give papa \u0026lsquo;coon a knowing wink to show that I approve of his daylight escapades and forge on.\nIt\u0026rsquo;s a quiet day on the trail. Three-thirty or so in the afternoon on a Monday, so that\u0026rsquo;s about right. I see only a couple of people before two well-built ladies pass by. About a minute later, the bike starts to feel odd and I realize I have a flat tire. Shit on me! Now I\u0026rsquo;m a firm believer in karma, so it\u0026rsquo;s either some treebeard retribution or payback for gandering at the girls.\nI park my bike and fat ass under a tree and call for backup. That sucked.\nAfter a quick shower I grabbed a honey mustard sub with turkey breast topping and headed out to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Long movie but pretty solid entertainment.\nThat Keira Knightley is alright. As the saying goes, I wouldn\u0026rsquo;t throw her out of bed for eating crackers. Actually she\u0026rsquo;s so gaunt I\u0026rsquo;d probably insist. I\u0026rsquo;d introduce her to cracker toppings that would both disgust and delight. Above all, I\u0026rsquo;d stress the importance of eating as fast as possible.\nBack to work tomorrow. I love work!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/cant-live-without-air/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eDay off as I worked yesterday. Woke around 9:45 and decided to roll with it. Kat unearthed a higher quality pillow for me last night and dusted the dog hair and excrement off the bed. I\u0026rsquo;ve told her the excrement was also from the dogs but there\u0026rsquo;s no way it\u0026rsquo;s not mine.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePut some work into Tim\u0026rsquo;s laptop and then decided to go for another ride on the bike.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eStopped first to give some contraband entertainment to Kyle at the shop. He was working on Dan\u0026rsquo;s man van which is a sweet minivan painted rape red. Dan took every opportunity to \u0026ldquo;light up\u0026rdquo; the tires Saturday night on that biatch. It\u0026rsquo;s got a bumper sticker that says, \u0026ldquo;I\u0026rsquo;m only speeding because I have to poop!\u0026rdquo; The fact that Dan so boldly makes light of his biological faults that sees him shitting up to 80 times a day is both troubling and inspiring.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Can't live without air"},{"content":"As the title suggests, yesterday\u0026rsquo;s flurry of activity ended with some head pain. I\u0026rsquo;m guessing it was something I ate, or the fact that my body now fully rejects exercise of any kind.\nWoke shortly after Noon. A solid sleep-in by any standards. Headed outside and cut the grass. Stepped in a whole lotta dog shit. Whacked some weeds.\nThrew on some shitless shoes and hopped on the bike. Went down to the Peace Bridge and continued on past Asian eateries and dead sidewalk squirrels. A gentleman gives me a far-too-boisterous, \u0026ldquo;Hey buddy. How \u0026lsquo;ya doing?\u0026rdquo; I laugh at him and return a, \u0026ldquo;Hey.\u0026rdquo; Exactly what his problem was, I\u0026rsquo;m not sure.\nA short while later I pass by Casablanca. Sadly this has nothing to do with the movie, rather it\u0026rsquo;s the house with a name where we spent a New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve back in \u0026lsquo;97. It was the night of a thousand laughs, including trying to pull Joe\u0026rsquo;s Trans-Am out of the ditch with my truck and a skipping rope. The house was pretty nice if I recall correctly, the only problem being the laundry list of sexual transgressions that apparently took place there. Anyway, they didn\u0026rsquo;t involve me so whatever.\nHeart hadn\u0026rsquo;t stopped beating, so decided to head to Crescent Park. Here I passed by the baseball diamond where I was a hero in 1989 and the Native centre where I grabbed Kat\u0026rsquo;s ass in front of her mother.\nHeaded back down to the water and passed by Waverley Beach where the Fort Erie elite were hanging\u0026hellip; no wait. It was empty. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and it was empty. Yeah, that makes a lotta sense.\nGot home and collapsed in a heap. Showered my fat ass and headed off to Real Sushi in St. Catharines. Ate so much g-damn food I lost some of my vision and most of my will to live. It\u0026rsquo;s all about entertaining the friends though, so my gut took one for the team.\nAfterwards we headed off to see Shaun on Clifton Hill. He was working the Dino Ride. We snuck in and Shaun allowed us to experience the \u0026ldquo;thrill.\u0026rdquo; It\u0026rsquo;s one of those 3D rides where you wear glasses and dinosaurs look like they\u0026rsquo;re gonna get you. Let me spoil it for you \u0026ndash; they don\u0026rsquo;t. But damn do they try. They really, really try.\nThat\u0026rsquo;s Dan. He\u0026rsquo;s never looked so normal.\nHead was pounding after all this. Gotta figure one of the Green Dragon\u0026rsquo;s I ate at the restaurant had a little of the syph and passed it on. Anyway, we headed home to bed.\nGot up today and worked like a chump until 8:30 pm. Came home and I\u0026rsquo;m now overturning all the furniture looking for anything and everything I can consume. Thank God I have Kat. If I were single I\u0026rsquo;d plow down so much junk food that I\u0026rsquo;d quickly become fused to the couch. There\u0026rsquo;d be a massive outpouring of support. The couch would receive, \u0026ldquo;Sorry to hear about your bad news\u0026rdquo; cards from as far away as Moscow from other couches to which other fatties were fused. It would all end when the couch would man up and literally choke the shit out of me one quiet Christmas morning.\nIn advance, thanks for the mercy kill couchy. I never knew you had it in you.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/real-headache/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAs the title suggests, yesterday\u0026rsquo;s flurry of activity ended with some head pain. I\u0026rsquo;m guessing it was something I ate, or the fact that my body now fully rejects exercise of any kind.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWoke shortly after Noon. A solid sleep-in by any standards. Headed outside and cut the grass. Stepped in a whole lotta dog shit. Whacked some weeds.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/09-06-07_1541-custom.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"09-06-07_1541-custom.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/09-06-07_1541-custom.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThrew on some shitless shoes and hopped on the bike. Went down to the Peace Bridge and continued on past Asian eateries and dead sidewalk squirrels. A gentleman gives me a far-too-boisterous, \u0026ldquo;Hey buddy. How \u0026lsquo;ya doing?\u0026rdquo; I laugh at him and return a, \u0026ldquo;Hey.\u0026rdquo; Exactly what his problem was, I\u0026rsquo;m not sure.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Real Headache"},{"content":"Went to work today and it felt mostly productive.\nThis evening saw a terrific storm that took out a few trees.\nCame home and watched a bit of a movie, then grew tired.\nNow we\u0026rsquo;re off to bed. Keep it real, homies.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/poo-babies/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWent to work today and it felt mostly productive.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis evening saw a terrific storm that took out a few trees.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCame home and watched a bit of a movie, then grew tired.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNow we\u0026rsquo;re off to bed. Keep it real, homies.\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003caudio controls preload=\"metadata\"\u003e\n  \u003csource src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Sherpa.mp3\" type=\"audio/mp3\"\u003e\n  Your browser does not support the audio element.\n\u003c/audio\u003e","title":"Poo babies"},{"content":"Got up and took the Corolla in for an oil change. Sipped away at a hazelnut coffee as I waited. The Fort Erie Toyota dealer sucks so much less than the other two I\u0026rsquo;ve been to in St. Catharines and Toronto. Local guys have yet to dick me around and are extremely friendly. So friendly I was offered my choice of hj or bj along with the warm beverage. I think we know which I chose.\nHeaded off to work and had to stop at the Purolator depot in NOTL to pick up a package. Guy at the front of the line was being a knob job. As the woman behind the counter tried to answer his questions, he\u0026rsquo;d interrupt her which forced her to repeat what she was saying and then he didn\u0026rsquo;t like what he heard anyway.\nWoman-\u0026ldquo;Can I see some ID please?\u0026rdquo;\nKnobjob-\u0026ldquo;What?\u0026rdquo;\nWoman-\u0026ldquo;ID.\u0026rdquo;\nKnobjob holds up birth certificate.\nWoman-\u0026ldquo;Do you have something with a photo?\u0026rdquo;\nKnobjob grumbles as he returns the card to his shitty wallet.\nKnobjob-\u0026ldquo;Well you didn\u0026rsquo;t say you wanted a photo.\u0026rdquo;\nIt\u0026rsquo;s true, she didn\u0026rsquo;t, but knob job you\u0026rsquo;re like 55 years old. Get with it!\nArrived at work about an hour later. Good day highlighted by the consumption of a chimichanga with the girth and nutritional value of a pencil case full of aged camel scrote. I bathed the festive treat in sour cream and giggled like a school girl as I unhinged my jaw and inserted it into my gap-toothed cave. Yummy!\nHit the homestead around 8:30. Little bit of nerdery, and soon to be heading off to bed. One more day before the weekend and a potential all-you-can-eat sushi feast on Saturday night.\nReally, why do I do this to myself? To entertain the 1 person from Pakistan who visited in May. That\u0026rsquo;s why. Sandeep: I do it all for you (and the nookie).\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/pure-oh-later/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eGot up and took the Corolla in for an oil change. Sipped away at a hazelnut coffee as I waited. The Fort Erie Toyota dealer sucks so much less than the other two I\u0026rsquo;ve been to in St. Catharines and Toronto. Local guys have yet to dick me around and are extremely friendly. So friendly I was offered my choice of hj or bj along with the warm beverage. I think we know which I chose.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I'm just a new title, not a new post."},{"content":"Woke in the middle of the night shaking like a 230-pound leaf. So fucking cold I didn\u0026rsquo;t think I\u0026rsquo;d live to see today. Noticed Kat had a blanket on her so I gently removed it and used it to warm my bulk. Slept better from that point on.\nGot up around 8. Parted my hair. Killed some ants. Ate a bagel with a Coke. Got into the car and drove to work.\nWorked.\nLeft around 7. Fueled up the car with gas and myself with chips and pop. Stopped at Walmart. Proceeded home.\nAte some takeout Pad Thai that Kat got for me last night. Definitely enough for two people, but I was on a mission to clear the plate so refused to give up. When it comes to all things bad for me, I\u0026rsquo;m quite resilient.\nWatched some old TV and then took out the garbage. It\u0026rsquo;s my one regular chore and I do it begrudgingly because I don\u0026rsquo;t like to leave the house.\nPlayed some Tetris on my cell phone. I might be one of the best Tetris players in the World. Got 76,015 the other night and tonight got around 78,000. As soon as I realize that there are many others that are just as good or better, I\u0026rsquo;ll stop playing it. I live by the theory of, \u0026ldquo;If you\u0026rsquo;re not the best at something then there\u0026rsquo;s no point doing it.\u0026rdquo; This should help you understand why I do nothing.\nGotta get up for an 8 am oil change, then off to work. Then home.\nLather, rinse, repeat.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/some-of-us-wont-survive/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWoke in the middle of the night shaking like a 230-pound leaf. So fucking cold I didn\u0026rsquo;t think I\u0026rsquo;d live to see today. Noticed Kat had a blanket on her so I gently removed it and used it to warm my bulk. Slept better from that point on.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGot up around 8. Parted my hair. Killed some ants. Ate a bagel with a Coke. Got into the car and drove to work.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Some of us won't survive"},{"content":"With each passing morning it gets increasingly difficult to unwrap myself from the bedsheets. Fuck me.\nFinished some running around, then headed into work. An awesomely cold day for June. Blustery too. Got out of the car and a sheet of somewhat important paper ejected itself from my passenger seat and began to zoom across the parking lot. I took a sip of coffee and decided to initiate a pursuit. The paper and I met eyes as it paused between a couple of cars to catch it\u0026rsquo;s breath. I ensured the paper that things would be different from now on and convinced it to return to the car. When we got home I pushed it down a flight of stairs and told it to be more careful next time.\nGot into the building and heard someone about 8 steps behind me \u0026ndash; just far enough to feel no obligation to hold any doors. I passed through one and heard footsteps maintain then increase their pace only to be silenced by a slam. The door opened and the footsteps returned. This happened three satisfying times before I stopped and he caught up.\nWe got into the elevator and I momentarily felt bad that we were now forced to ascend together. He arrived at his floor first and almost slammed into the door as he\u0026rsquo;d expected the wrong end of the elevator to open. Way to stick it to me ya moron.\nNormal day devoid of excitement. Headed home around 7. Stopped for some shitter paper and jelly beans and arrived back at the animal farm by 9.\nBridgeburgDAN showed up as I watched TV. He dropped off an invitation for his September wedding. I\u0026rsquo;m keeping my fingers crossed for an open bar. If the past 15 years of knowing Dan have taught me anything, it\u0026rsquo;s that something fucked up will happen. This guy\u0026rsquo;s a magnet for trouble. Like when he had to take a poo sample across the border for some lab tests. How could that go wrong?\nThat\u0026rsquo;s our Dan!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-cant-run/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWith each passing morning it gets increasingly difficult to unwrap myself from the bedsheets. Fuck me.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFinished some running around, then headed into work. An awesomely cold day for June. Blustery too. Got out of the car and a sheet of somewhat important paper ejected itself from my passenger seat and began to zoom across the parking lot. I took a sip of coffee and decided to initiate a pursuit. The paper and I met eyes as it paused between a couple of cars to catch it\u0026rsquo;s breath. I ensured the paper that things would be different from now on and convinced it to return to the car. When we got home I pushed it down a flight of stairs and told it to be more careful next time.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I can't run"},{"content":"\nThe intense struggle to get my fat ass out of bed and into work was rewarded by the best parking spot available for the non-disabled, non-courier, non-security employees of Woodbine (see pic). Setting aside the day I thought I shit my pants but didn\u0026rsquo;t, this was one of my greatest.\nA very productive day at the slumber yard. Productive in the sense that I got a large amount of things accomplished except the one thing I\u0026rsquo;d set out to get accomplished. Was that one thing, \u0026ldquo;To watch an episode of Degrassi\u0026rdquo;? Nope, did that.\nAfter work I stopped for a sub and then headed over to Tim\u0026rsquo;s in Hamilton. Trouble with a laptop that was mostly remedied by speaking with a passionate soul named \u0026ldquo;Sam\u0026rdquo; from Dell tech support in India. He tells me it\u0026rsquo;s 7:30 am where he is and that it\u0026rsquo;s supposed to be a humid 31° Celsius later that day. I tell him how I doubt his name is actually Sam and that I don\u0026rsquo;t give a shit about Indian weather. He promises to send me some free software and wishes me a peaceful day.\nTruthfully, Sam says he\u0026rsquo;s in Bangalore, India and was incredibly helpful. I just wish Jor-El and the assholes down the road from Sam working for Bell tech support would follow suit. I hope one day Sam\u0026rsquo;s in a bar drinking a tall, cool Cobra Premium Lager when Jor-El calls Sam\u0026rsquo;s wife a cunt and Sam bottles him severely. Maybe then I\u0026rsquo;ll forgive Bell for that week I went without the internet.\nHome now and heading to bed. Stay safe, Paris H.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/not-getting-me-anywhere/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"04-06-07_1746.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/04-06-07_1746.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe intense struggle to get my fat ass out of bed and into work was rewarded by the best parking spot available for the non-disabled, non-courier, non-security employees of Woodbine (see pic). Setting aside the day I thought I shit my pants but didn\u0026rsquo;t, this was one of my greatest.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA very productive day at the slumber yard. Productive in the sense that I got a large amount of things accomplished except the one thing I\u0026rsquo;d set out to get accomplished. Was that one thing, \u0026ldquo;To watch an episode of Degrassi\u0026rdquo;? Nope, did that.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Not getting me anywhere"},{"content":"\nSo yesterday I got up at 8 to go see Kat at her first horse jumping show of the year. Was hot as a bastard in Fonthill. Kat\u0026rsquo;s horse \u0026ldquo;Milton\u0026rdquo; was less than cooperative and after making a few jumps, he zigged, Kat zagged and she bit the dust.\nShe\u0026rsquo;s such a little trooper and was back up again and had a far better trip. I gotta think if that was me I would\u0026rsquo;ve broken both ankles and with eyes full of tears I\u0026rsquo;d have curled into a ball until someone with a wheelbarrow or dump truck came to wisk me away. Get on a horse again? Not without pissing myself.\nHeaded home and stopped at Burger King for a whopper and poutine combo. For $8.99, you can\u0026rsquo;t infuse a meal with less goodness.\nTook the boulevard home, then we headed off to my brother-in-law\u0026rsquo;s for my niece\u0026rsquo;s birthday. I ate hamburgers, salad, cake and bubble gum ice cream and took joy in bouncing items off my nephew\u0026rsquo;s head.\nGot home and called Kyle as we\u0026rsquo;d intended to crash Cliffy\u0026rsquo;s wedding reception. Little too late for Kyle \u0026ldquo;The Wizard\u0026rdquo; Mester, so we called it a night.\nSlept in a bit today, then headed over to the Garrison mansion to cut my Mum\u0026rsquo;s grass. I\u0026rsquo;ve officially been cutting that grass for 20 years now. Aside from being fat, it\u0026rsquo;s the longest I\u0026rsquo;ve done anything.\nDamn, do I like cutting grass. When I was younger, I\u0026rsquo;d listen to a wide variety of music as I drove the sweet JD. The \u0026ldquo;go to\u0026rdquo; was always Pearl Jam or Nirvana, though there were some embarrassing death metal and Christian rock phases mixed in. What can I say? I\u0026rsquo;m a little messed in the head.\nThink this picture is from around \u0026lsquo;88. As you can see, I was doing the \u0026ldquo;roll one pant leg up\u0026rdquo; thing long before it ever occurred to Tupac or Biggy. I\u0026rsquo;m a bit of a trend setter. Like this \u0026ldquo;having 5 chins\u0026rdquo; thing I\u0026rsquo;m trying now\u0026hellip; It\u0026rsquo;ll catch on.\nQuiet afternoon of doing very little. Maybe BBQ some grub tonight, watch a little TV, then off to bed. Wrapping up some big projects at work and hope for a little time off later this month. To do what? Maybe some roadtripping. To where? Your place. Have a bed and bag of bagels waiting, sucka.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/june-weekend/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/kjump1.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"kjump1.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/kjump1.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo yesterday I got up at 8 to go see Kat at her first horse jumping show of the year. Was hot as a bastard in Fonthill. Kat\u0026rsquo;s horse \u0026ldquo;Milton\u0026rdquo; was less than cooperative and after making a few jumps, he zigged, Kat zagged and she bit the dust.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eShe\u0026rsquo;s such a little trooper and was back up again and had a far better trip. I gotta think if that was me I would\u0026rsquo;ve broken both ankles and with eyes full of tears I\u0026rsquo;d have curled into a ball until someone with a wheelbarrow or dump truck came to wisk me away. Get on a horse again? Not without pissing myself.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"June weekend"},{"content":"Went to bed around 12:15 am last night. Proud of myself, I was.\nTossed and turned my bulk for over an hour, then gave in. Went back downstairs and Pokered a bit, tweaked some insignificant stuff on this site, surfed some softcore, listened to the birds start their day, then headed back to bed around 5:15 am. Got a little over 2 hours of sleep, then off to the meat factory.\nLong day of strenuous work (mentally, not physically). Hoovered some pizza in the afternoon and washed it down with a cookie. Played some Tetris on the shitter, then headed home.\nThe Grimsby/Beamsville stretch of the QEW smelled of baked ham. It was terrific. I think I should move to Grimsby or Beamsville.\nGot home to see that half of the flower box on the front of the house had fallen off. Rotten bastard. Told Kat about it and she insisted that I fix it immediately. Got out the saw and prepped a slammin\u0026rsquo; piece of wood in minutes. Installed it to the response of, \u0026ldquo;Oh, you actually did it?\u0026rdquo; After 10 steady years of disappointing my better half, she expects so little of me\u0026hellip; and usually gets it.\nEnjoy this photograph and a nice tune to tap your toe to. Think long and hard about this picture. It\u0026rsquo;s deep, man. It\u0026rsquo;s deep.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/work-sucks-i-know/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWent to bed around 12:15 am last night. Proud of myself, I was.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTossed and turned my bulk for over an hour, then gave in. Went back downstairs and Pokered a bit, tweaked some insignificant stuff on this site, surfed some softcore, listened to the birds start their day, then headed back to bed around 5:15 am. Got a little over 2 hours of sleep, then off to the meat factory.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Work sucks, I know"},{"content":"So Claire\u0026rsquo;s brother Simon was born with only 3 legs (Claire is our new kitten). You probably think it\u0026rsquo;s sad, but this short video might change your mind. He\u0026rsquo;s courageous enough to take on a 4-legged far fluffier feline.\nAfter watching this you\u0026rsquo;ll cry, laugh and then want to take a wooden chair to your old man\u0026rsquo;s back for calling you a fag when you were in Grade 2. Enjoy!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/fluffy-cat-vs-3-legged-cat-who-ya-got/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo Claire\u0026rsquo;s brother Simon was born with only 3 legs (Claire is our new kitten). You probably think it\u0026rsquo;s sad, but this short video might change your mind. He\u0026rsquo;s courageous enough to take on a 4-legged far fluffier feline.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAfter watching this you\u0026rsquo;ll cry, laugh and then want to take a wooden chair to your old man\u0026rsquo;s back for calling you a fag when you were in Grade 2. Enjoy!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Fluffy cat vs. 3-legged cat... WHO YA GOT?!"},{"content":"So it\u0026rsquo;s been a busy May. This is the 23rd post I\u0026rsquo;ve made, and it will be my last for this month.\nGot home late last night after a long day at work. Consumed well over a thousand calories for dinner while sitting in my car, then continued on home.\nLast night kicked off my BLT diet. Here\u0026rsquo;s the deal: Back in \u0026lsquo;97 I would end virtually every day with a delicious BLT sub from Avonmart (sometimes two!). Because they were good? No. Because they were $2.99. Well, the price has skyrocketed to $4.49, but it\u0026rsquo;s still less than Subway or Quizno\u0026rsquo;s.\nFor less than five bucks, you get a decent quantity of the finest 3-day-old bacon a convenience store has to offer. Mayonnaise is applied liberally. But the best part is watching the sub maker burn their fingers on freshly-nuked pig fat. Makes the meal so much tastier.\nAnyway, the motivation behind this movement is that I was 36% less of a miserable human being 10 years ago. Let\u0026rsquo;s see if I can\u0026rsquo;t bring the \u0026lsquo;97 me back using food. The logic is questionable, but my stomach tells me to give it a shot.\nSo I\u0026rsquo;m about 1 1/2 hours away from sub #2. I\u0026rsquo;ll get home and watch a bit of TV, then to bed. Where\u0026rsquo;s the exercise you ask? In my mind, my friends. In my mind\u0026hellip;\nYour browser does not support the audio element. EDIT: Decided to forego the sub. Seems this is yet another diet I can\u0026rsquo;t stick to. Next attempt: PUDDING DIET!!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-number-23/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo it\u0026rsquo;s been a busy May. This is the 23rd post I\u0026rsquo;ve made, and it will be my last for this month.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGot home late last night after a long day at work. Consumed well over a thousand calories for dinner while sitting in my car, then continued on home.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"blt.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/blt.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eLast night kicked off my BLT diet. Here\u0026rsquo;s the deal: Back in \u0026lsquo;97 I would end virtually every day with a delicious BLT sub from Avonmart (sometimes two!). Because they were good? No. Because they were $2.99. Well, the price has skyrocketed to $4.49, but it\u0026rsquo;s still less than Subway or Quizno\u0026rsquo;s.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The Number 23"},{"content":"Another fabulous day of weather. Smooth drive into work. Time flew by. Couple of pops, then a smooth drive home. What can I say.\nSat here watching Claire as I had the TV on. She was struggling to keep herself awake. She was sitting upright and her eyes would close and she would almost fall over before catching herself at the last moment. I was jealous. I can\u0026rsquo;t recall the last time I actually exerted myself so hard physically in a day that I was falling over tired. I sit in the car. I sit at work. I sit at home. It\u0026rsquo;s amazing I\u0026rsquo;m not just one big hemorrhoid with glasses.\nGotta pick up Kat\u0026rsquo;s truck, then head into work tomorrow for the afternoon. Yippee!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/hey/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAnother fabulous day of weather. Smooth drive into work. Time flew by. Couple of pops, then a smooth drive home. What can I say.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSat here watching Claire as I had the TV on. She was struggling to keep herself awake. She was sitting upright and her eyes would close and she would almost fall over before catching herself at the last moment. I was jealous. I can\u0026rsquo;t recall the last time I actually exerted myself so hard physically in a day that I was falling over tired. I sit in the car. I sit at work. I sit at home. It\u0026rsquo;s amazing I\u0026rsquo;m not just one big hemorrhoid with glasses.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Hey"},{"content":"\nWell, the weather was lovely today. Even snapped a picture as I walked out of Woodbine at about 6:24 pm. Went to Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s for a coffee, a bagel and then Petro Canada for some gas before hitting the highway.\nFifteen minutes down the road I passed the Ford plant and stopped dead in traffic. No problem. This kinda thing\u0026rsquo;s pretty standard.\nStop and go. Go and stop.\nAfter 20 minutes, it wasn\u0026rsquo;t looking good, but I\u0026rsquo;m rather content \u0026ndash; The bagel\u0026rsquo;s sitting nicely in my gut and with a fresh coffee at my side, I\u0026rsquo;m far from losing it.\nForty-five minutes later and I\u0026rsquo;m thinking this ain\u0026rsquo;t cool. I\u0026rsquo;ve now been driving for almost an hour and a half and I\u0026rsquo;m barely past fucking Oakville!\nAs we creep along, I see that we\u0026rsquo;re about to roll past a dead raccoon on the shoulder. The guy ahead of me stops beside it and stares at the corpse like he\u0026rsquo;s a pretty little princess shopping for a diamond ring. Motherfucker.\nWe continue. Shortly thereafter I see an old farmer-type dude get out of his truck, waddle to the truck two back of him and get a couple cigarettes from the driver. He tries to offer the driver some change, but the driver refuses and Gomer scurries back to his rig. Dude originates in the truck to the left and received the goods from the truck on the right:\nI try to capture the sheer joy on the farmer\u0026rsquo;s face as I pass, but can only barely discern some wisps of smoke.\nSo it ends up taking me just under 3 hours to get to Grimsby. I pull into a rest stop to use the washroom and actually don\u0026rsquo;t get anything to eat. Astonishing. I continue to the Falls where I get a car wash and again bypass all fast food stops. Mind boggling.\nThe final tally on the trip is a few minutes shy of my existing record of 3 1/2 hours, not including my stops. That was in the middle of a snow storm, whereas this was just some bullshit accident in Burlington. The damn thing had been cleared before I got to it so I wasn\u0026rsquo;t even rewarded by the sight of wreckage.\nAnyway, I\u0026rsquo;m angered and only moderately satiated by the dinner that awaited me, so I must now go punch my dogs. Sweet dreams.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/3-12-hours-of-pain-all-at-once-all-for-me/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"28-05-07_1824.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/28-05-07_1824.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWell, the weather was lovely today. Even snapped a picture as I walked out of Woodbine at about 6:24 pm. Went to Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s for a coffee, a bagel and then Petro Canada for some gas before hitting the highway.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFifteen minutes down the road I passed the Ford plant and stopped dead in traffic. No problem. This kinda thing\u0026rsquo;s pretty standard.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eStop and go. Go and stop.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAfter 20 minutes, it wasn\u0026rsquo;t looking good, but I\u0026rsquo;m rather content \u0026ndash; The bagel\u0026rsquo;s sitting nicely in my gut and with a fresh coffee at my side, I\u0026rsquo;m far from losing it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"3 1/2 hours of pain. all at once. all for me."},{"content":"So Kat brought home a new cat for us the other day. I wanted no part of it since our house is already full of animals and our current cat hates everything, but gotta admit that she\u0026rsquo;s grown on me. I\u0026rsquo;ve named her Claire (after the cheerleader on Heroes\u0026hellip; yes, I\u0026rsquo;m a loser).\nShe seems well behaved, with only one errant floor turd so far (even I\u0026rsquo;m not perfect). The dogs seem to have taken a liking to her, though Sunny\u0026rsquo;s affection borders on abuse.\nAnywho, got brownies to eat, so enjoy this video of the new furball.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/new-kitty-better-than-old-kitty/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo Kat brought home a new cat for us the other day. I wanted no part of it since our house is already full of animals and our current cat hates everything, but gotta admit that she\u0026rsquo;s grown on me. I\u0026rsquo;ve named her Claire (after the cheerleader on Heroes\u0026hellip; yes, I\u0026rsquo;m a loser).\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"clairelookingup.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/clairelookingup.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eShe seems well behaved, with only one errant floor turd so far (even I\u0026rsquo;m not perfect). The dogs seem to have taken a liking to her, though Sunny\u0026rsquo;s affection borders on abuse.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"New kitty better than old kitty?"},{"content":"I knew this camera phone would come in handy.\nWhile wasting away my day off, I once again stumbled upon the most awesome guy in the World. Yep, this guy:\nYou\u0026rsquo;ll remember him from an earlier posting of mine here. Now it\u0026rsquo;s clear for all to see just how he\u0026rsquo;s able to pull off this marvel of engineering. An entire 24-case of dirt cheap Lucky Lager nestled carefully beneath his bony, unemployed frame.\nI think we can safely assume that his backpack contains an assortment of board games and the grocery bag a sampling of his favourite desserts: tiramisu, lamb\u0026rsquo;s milk cheesecake, etc.\nHave a good weekend, friend. You\u0026rsquo;ll get nothing but respect from people around these parts.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/breaking-news-lucky-lager-lover-returns/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI knew this camera phone would come in handy.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhile wasting away my day off, I once again stumbled upon the most awesome guy in the World. Yep, this guy:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"beerbike.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/beerbike.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou\u0026rsquo;ll remember him from an earlier posting of mine \u003ca href=\"/?p=88\"\u003ehere\u003c/a\u003e. Now it\u0026rsquo;s clear for all to see just how he\u0026rsquo;s able to pull off this marvel of engineering. An entire 24-case of dirt cheap Lucky Lager nestled carefully beneath his bony, unemployed frame.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"BREAKING NEWS: Lucky Lager Lover Returns!"},{"content":"I drove home with a brownie passenger today.\nI buckled him in safe.\nHe badmouthed my driving, so I tore his head off and ate 20 of his internal organs.\nThat shut him up.\nHe started being belligerent again and I had no more room for his tasty organs, so at the gas station I locked him in the trunk.\nI kept the organs down by eating two bags of chips and some refreshing water.\nWhen I got home, I further strengthened the trap by adding a layer of potato salad.\nI then whacked some weeds and put an air conditioner into a window with all the patience of a mother watching her son set fire to her house.\nI will now top things off with a little Coke and rye.\nAnd a nap.\nThen three days off to slam my head into a wall.\nI\u0026rsquo;m a valiant hero in a way I shouldn\u0026rsquo;t be proud of.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/this-place/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI drove home with a brownie passenger today.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI buckled him in safe.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"24-05-07_1807-custom.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/24-05-07_1807-custom.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHe badmouthed my driving, so I tore his head off and ate 20 of his internal organs.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat shut him up.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHe started being belligerent again and I had no more room for his tasty organs, so at the gas station I locked him in the trunk.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI kept the organs down by eating two bags of chips and some refreshing water.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"This place"},{"content":"Got to bed at a reasonable time last night and I was still fucking sleepy this morning. I guess when you\u0026rsquo;re morbidly obese it really doesn\u0026rsquo;t matter if you\u0026rsquo;re well rested.\nHeaded off to work. A hot chick in tight pants and high heels was getting stuff out of her trunk so I kept an eye on her to make sure she was okay. Those heels can be tricky. She was fine.\nHad a meeting during which I just kinda zoned out. Saw a painting with a tree. Imagined I was under that tree. Under that tree with a picnic basket full of cheeseburgers and a free afternoon. Well, okay, throw in a TV with a solid episode of Seinfeld on it. Okay, all that and a German pop star to hum me a melody. Not sure what the meeting was about but guarantee it was kinda important.\nGot some actual work done, then took off.\nSlow drive home, but on the end of that drive were burritos, potato salad, chips and salsa, so it was well worth it.\nFired up the central air and currently have it cooling my left flank. I foresee a warm, annoying sleep this \u0026rsquo;eve. To work again tomorrow, then a 3-day weekend. Woohoo! More eatin\u0026rsquo; time!!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/bound-for-nowhere/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eGot to bed at a reasonable time last night and I was still fucking sleepy this morning. I guess when you\u0026rsquo;re morbidly obese it really doesn\u0026rsquo;t matter if you\u0026rsquo;re well rested.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHeaded off to work. A hot chick in tight pants and high heels was getting stuff out of her trunk so I kept an eye on her to make sure she was okay. Those heels can be tricky. She was fine.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Bound for nowhere"},{"content":"So yesterday was Canada Day. Got up at 8 and finished the fence for Kat\u0026rsquo;s garden. Hoping for good things from that little endeavour. Cut the grass. Hung up a plant. Whacked some weeds. Left for work.\nGot to Mohawk around 2:30. Always a nice drive there. And what a wonderful place this was to me. Worked there frequently from late \u0026lsquo;99 to early 2001. I recall a fantastic shit there. Remember eating a roast beef sandwich and having it liquefy my insides. Had to rush to the washroom. Not sure which was louder: the assplosions or my giggling at the intensity of my assplosions. I couldn\u0026rsquo;t contain myself on either end. It was awesome.\nLast night\u0026rsquo;s Score show went well. I jetted around 9. Got home around 10:15. Waited \u0026rsquo;till Midnight to see the season finale of Heroes. The ending was kinda forced, but I enjoyed it. I spent some time trying to create fireballs in my hands. Unsuccessful, I called it a night.\nWoke this morning and headed off to work with a banana, apple and my first ever Red Bull in tow. Gotta say it tastes pretty foul. And I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure it didn\u0026rsquo;t revitalize my mind or body as I forgot to make the one stop I had planned on the way and when I got there my body was sluggish as ever. I swear I almost fell down walking across the parking lot. And I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure if I had fallen down, I would have rolled under the nearest SUV and taken a little nap. Hours later I would have come to. I\u0026rsquo;d have wiped the drool from my cheek and released the muffler that I\u0026rsquo;d been giving a teddy bear hug. But I didn\u0026rsquo;t fall down, so it was cool.\nCaught up on some things. Couple brief meetings. Dealt with a tech support guy. Couple calls to California. Then gave up on it all and left around 7. Got home and realized I hadn\u0026rsquo;t eaten lunch. Celebrated by punishing myself with an onslaught of 99 cent burritos, a wealth of tortilla chips and salsa and then threw in a banana just to keep my gut guessing.\nBedtime? Me thinks it be coming soon.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/ive-had-a-few/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo yesterday was Canada Day. Got up at 8 and finished the fence for Kat\u0026rsquo;s garden. Hoping for good things from that little endeavour. Cut the grass. Hung up a plant. Whacked some weeds. Left for work.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGot to Mohawk around 2:30. Always a nice drive there. And what a wonderful place this was to me. Worked there frequently from late \u0026lsquo;99 to early 2001. I recall a fantastic shit there. Remember eating a roast beef sandwich and having it liquefy my insides. Had to rush to the washroom. Not sure which was louder: the assplosions or my giggling at the intensity of my assplosions. I couldn\u0026rsquo;t contain myself on either end. It was awesome.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I've had a few"},{"content":"Now for the second installment of Stupid Things I Did In My Room in the \u0026rsquo;80s, a follow-up to The Day Dave Became an Anteater from earlier this year.\nI\u0026rsquo;ve always had this problem where I can\u0026rsquo;t stop thinking about shit late at night. I\u0026rsquo;ll toss and turn for hours. I remember even when I was 10 or 11 staying up until 3 am struggling desperately to find something to watch on TV (this was before we had cable so it was rough). Some nights I\u0026rsquo;d rearrange my room just for something to do, but I digress.\nOne night I couldn\u0026rsquo;t sleep and decided to read. Not an easy task as I was still sharing a room with my brother and he\u0026rsquo;d piss and moan if I\u0026rsquo;d turned on the light. So I got the idea to turn on my light, aim it at the ceiling and toss a pair of sweatpants over it to act as a dimmer.\nTen minutes later, I was halfway through my Choose Your Own Adventure (and fairing quite well), when I started to detect an odour. I turned around to see smoke billowing from my sweatpants which appeared to be on fire. Yep, that\u0026rsquo;s right, the sweatpants were actually sitting on the bulb causing them to cook severely and my quiet midnight read had gone horribly wrong. Andrew awoke from his slumber and gave me shit. I conceded my retardation and tossed the crispy pants somewhere to simmer.\nTo celebrate that moment in time, I\u0026rsquo;m bringing back my side-part from 1989. You can see me rockin\u0026rsquo; it here at Grade 8 graduation:\nOnly difference now is that the side-part is fortified with \u0026ldquo;product.\u0026rdquo; If you see me sporting it around town, please don\u0026rsquo;t stare. Give me a high-five and move on.\nI believe 1989 may\u0026rsquo;ve been the year I peeked socially, which isn\u0026rsquo;t saying much. It was also the last time I saw a sub-200 lb figure on the scale. Well, I guess ants are fatty. And now let\u0026rsquo;s all sit back and enjoy a classic \u0026lsquo;80\u0026rsquo;s rock ballad, shall we?\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/1989/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eNow for the second installment of Stupid Things I Did In My Room in the \u0026rsquo;80s, a follow-up to The Day Dave Became an Anteater from earlier this year.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;ve always had this problem where I can\u0026rsquo;t stop thinking about shit late at night. I\u0026rsquo;ll toss and turn for hours. I remember even when I was 10 or 11 staying up until 3 am struggling desperately to find something to watch on TV (this was before we had cable so it was rough). Some nights I\u0026rsquo;d rearrange my room just for something to do, but I digress.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"1989"},{"content":"Tired and going to bed after last night\u0026rsquo;s slumber was rudely interrupted and today I was a zombie (with a small C cup).\nSo what happened today\u0026hellip;\nWent to the mall where school girls in uniform enjoyed their lunch hour and I enjoyed the sight of school girls in uniform. I didn\u0026rsquo;t feel bad about it for one second.\nGot to Mohawk and enjoyed a Diet Pepsi. I\u0026rsquo;m on a diet, you know. What\u0026rsquo;s that? You didn\u0026rsquo;t know? Well why do you think I\u0026rsquo;ve been slimming down? What\u0026rsquo;s that? I\u0026rsquo;ve actually been GAINING weight?! Well you\u0026rsquo;re a horrible person and I hope you slip in the shower and land on your face.\nSkipped lunch and drank nothing all day to see how foul my breath could smell by day\u0026rsquo;s end. Yep, pretty foul.\nCame home and watched the season finale of Grey\u0026rsquo;s Anatomy. When I was done I painted my toes and washed my woman parts in chamomile.\nOff to work tomorrow, then the weekend! Hoping to stay out of trouble this time \u0026lsquo;round. Wish me luck!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/breakfast-rye/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eTired and going to bed after last night\u0026rsquo;s slumber was rudely interrupted and today I was a zombie (with a small C cup).\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo what happened today\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWent to the mall where school girls in uniform enjoyed their lunch hour and I enjoyed the sight of school girls in uniform. I didn\u0026rsquo;t feel bad about it for one second.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGot to Mohawk and enjoyed a Diet Pepsi. I\u0026rsquo;m on a diet, you know. What\u0026rsquo;s that? You didn\u0026rsquo;t know? Well why do you think I\u0026rsquo;ve been slimming down? What\u0026rsquo;s that? I\u0026rsquo;ve actually been GAINING weight?! Well you\u0026rsquo;re a horrible person and I hope you slip in the shower and land on your face.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Breakfast rye"},{"content":"Yeah, that\u0026rsquo;s right, I\u0026rsquo;m up. Think the cell phone call I received about an hour ago would be my latest so far in 2007. Yippee!! You\u0026rsquo;d think an asshole two time zones away would realize that I probably wasn\u0026rsquo;t still at work. Thanks a lot, fuckface!!\nSo now I\u0026rsquo;m sitting here playing poker and surfing porn to kill time. Just saw an email sent by Woodbine\u0026rsquo;s entertainment powerhouse, Chris Hickey. He reminded me of this video, which hasn\u0026rsquo;t failed to cheer me up yet again. Enjoy!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/ring-ring/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eYeah, that\u0026rsquo;s right, I\u0026rsquo;m up. Think the cell phone call I received about an hour ago would be my latest so far in 2007. Yippee!! You\u0026rsquo;d think an asshole two time zones away would realize that I probably wasn\u0026rsquo;t still at work. Thanks a lot, fuckface!!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo now I\u0026rsquo;m sitting here playing poker and surfing porn to kill time. Just saw an email sent by Woodbine\u0026rsquo;s entertainment powerhouse, Chris Hickey. He reminded me of this video, which hasn\u0026rsquo;t failed to cheer me up yet again. Enjoy!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Ring, ring"},{"content":"Another day, another shaveless morn\u0026rsquo;. I look like a bum on the outside and feel like an ass on the inside. Tomorrow evening I\u0026rsquo;ll celebrate by driving into a bridge abutment.\nGot to work shortly after 9 am. Had to endure the ridicule of arriving over an hour earlier than usual. I\u0026rsquo;ll make sure that never happens again. Worked on some stuff while it was quiet to avoid the herd of knob jobs who\u0026rsquo;d normally hassle me. All went well.\nSpent the day doing the usual assortment of solving problems, belittling those with problems and being an all around gruff motherfucker to anyone in my way. Then I went home.\nEnjoyed a variety of unhealthy foods on that trip home, then plowed down a Cheese-Whiz-coated snack upon arrival. At this stage in my diet plan, all my energy is focussed on breathing. It\u0026rsquo;s going well (Don\u0026rsquo;t support this \u0026ndash; call someone who can stop me).\nOff to put out the garbage, then to bed. Can\u0026rsquo;t wait to get home tomorrow night to see if the trash man has completed the destruction of my garbage can whose handle now dangles in dismay.\nFinish the game, junkmaster. Finish it.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/scruffy-bastard/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAnother day, another shaveless morn\u0026rsquo;. I look like a bum on the outside and feel like an ass on the inside. Tomorrow evening I\u0026rsquo;ll celebrate by driving into a bridge abutment.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGot to work shortly after 9 am. Had to endure the ridicule of arriving over an hour earlier than usual. I\u0026rsquo;ll make sure that never happens again. Worked on some stuff while it was quiet to avoid the herd of knob jobs who\u0026rsquo;d normally hassle me. All went well.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Scruffy bastard"},{"content":"Another tough wake-up after catching Monday\u0026rsquo;s Heroes episode late last night. Was worth it, though Morning Dave was exceptionally miserable. So miserable that he decided to forego shaving again to make everyone else miserable.\nWent to Mohawk and stopped at Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s where there was a pretty good lineup. As I waited, a grimy dude lined up beside me. He said, \u0026ldquo;Never fails. It\u0026rsquo;s always busy at every Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s.\u0026rdquo; Yeah, thanks, but I didn\u0026rsquo;t order any small talk, if that\u0026rsquo;s what you want to call that. A minute later, he loudly said, \u0026ldquo;Can I get you something?\u0026rdquo; right at me and gestured in my direction. I looked directly at him, then around the store and didn\u0026rsquo;t see anyone else who he could have expected to answer that question. I said nothing in return and I\u0026rsquo;m just gonna assume he\u0026rsquo;s retarded.\nGot to Mohawk and spent the day helping set up for Thursday\u0026rsquo;s launch. All went well. Headed out late in the afternoon.\nStopped at Home Depot in the Falls to get some supplies for Kat\u0026rsquo;s garden. Asked a chick where the fencing area was. We both turned our heads to reveal that I was about 10 feet from said area. Ouch. As we walked down the isle together, she started a monologue about her box cutter and how she was required to wear gloves when using it. Sleep-deprived Dave with cruddy facial hair evidently motivates strangers to speak to him. An interesting development.\nGot home, fenced a bit, then BBQ\u0026rsquo;d up some chicken. Watched a little UFC then re-watched SNL from the weekend. Listening to the damn cat do laps around the house and soon will be heading to bed.\nAnd now, the song you were all hoping for last night to accompany the deer story\u0026hellip;\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/appreciate-your-concern/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAnother tough wake-up after catching Monday\u0026rsquo;s Heroes episode late last night. Was worth it, though Morning Dave was exceptionally miserable. So miserable that he decided to forego shaving again to make everyone else miserable.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWent to Mohawk and stopped at Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s where there was a pretty good lineup. As I waited, a grimy dude lined up beside me. He said, \u0026ldquo;Never fails. It\u0026rsquo;s always busy at every Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s.\u0026rdquo; Yeah, thanks, but I didn\u0026rsquo;t order any small talk, if that\u0026rsquo;s what you want to call that. A minute later, he loudly said, \u0026ldquo;Can I get you something?\u0026rdquo; right at me and gestured in my direction. I looked directly at him, then around the store and didn\u0026rsquo;t see anyone else who he could have expected to answer that question. I said nothing in return and I\u0026rsquo;m just gonna assume he\u0026rsquo;s retarded.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Appreciate your concern"},{"content":"Very little. Took all my strength to hoist my bulk from bed this morning. Probably a result of staying up \u0026rsquo;till 1:30 watching The Real World. I\u0026rsquo;m well aware that I have the TV viewing habits of a 17-year-old girl and I\u0026rsquo;ve really gotta start feeling the appropriate amount of shame.\nMade a couple stops on the way to work and arrived unshaved and dishevelled by about 10:45. Settled in for 2 hours of steady actual work, then celebrated with a trip to Subway. A turkey sub, a bag of chips and a frosty rootbeer were ordered and hastily consumed in my car as I listened to Stern. I swallowed that fucker like a mustard-covered pill.\nGot back to work and started day dreaming of a day when I might have my own office. A bloated afternoon can be spent behind a locked door where no one will require that I speak. I can pump all the gas I want into my chair without fear of being discovered. I suppose such career goals are probably best left unsaid.\nSolved the World\u0026rsquo;s problems, then headed for the car. It started raining and the chubby raindrops slammed into my patchy beard in an extremely sexual manner. I got back to the Corolla and found that it was once again at a loss for words.\nGot home, but missed Heroes. On the way, saw that a dude on the side of the QEW who had just hit a deer and the deer carcass nearby. I guess the deer missed Heroes too. Don\u0026rsquo;t worry, deer. I\u0026rsquo;ve downloaded it. What\u0026rsquo;s that? You don\u0026rsquo;t have a computer? Well then you\u0026rsquo;re welcome to come by and we can watch it together. Yes, I\u0026rsquo;m sure. No, it\u0026rsquo;s no bother at all. I don\u0026rsquo;t need anything in return. Fine, fine, bring some chips. Well, no, I don\u0026rsquo;t think you should stay over. You know what, this is all moving way too fast. We\u0026rsquo;ve just met. What are you doing? What the hell?! Don\u0026rsquo;t touch me!!\nAnd that\u0026rsquo;s when the deer raped me. Goodnight, all.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/what-the-hell-is-going-on/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eVery little. Took all my strength to hoist my bulk from bed this morning. Probably a result of staying up \u0026rsquo;till 1:30 watching The Real World. I\u0026rsquo;m well aware that I have the TV viewing habits of a 17-year-old girl and I\u0026rsquo;ve really gotta start feeling the appropriate amount of shame.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMade a couple stops on the way to work and arrived unshaved and dishevelled by about 10:45. Settled in for 2 hours of steady actual work, then celebrated with a trip to Subway. A turkey sub, a bag of chips and a frosty rootbeer were ordered and hastily consumed in my car as I listened to Stern. I swallowed that fucker like a mustard-covered pill.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"What the hell is going on?"},{"content":"A good night\u0026rsquo;s sleep and I feel much better.\nOff to the mother\u0026rsquo;s this afternoon to deliver some Mom\u0026rsquo;s Day flowers. Also cut the grass. Had I not covered the garage floor with gasoline in the process, I\u0026rsquo;d say I\u0026rsquo;m a great son.\nCame home and removed the warning stickers from the visors in my car. I\u0026rsquo;ve decided I live life a little too much on the straight and narrow, so to hell with those things. Not even sure what they say. If it wasn\u0026rsquo;t something about not dipping and eating McNuggets while driving with your knees, I don\u0026rsquo;t need to hear it.\nGot together for dinner. Souvlaki, half a loaf of bread, two rootbeers, half a brownie sundae and one-third of a piece of carrot cake. Safe to say my diet\u0026rsquo;s back on track.\nLong week of work ahead. Sure to get pissed at somebody. Check back later!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/carrot-cakewalk/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eA good night\u0026rsquo;s sleep and I feel much better.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOff to the mother\u0026rsquo;s this afternoon to deliver some Mom\u0026rsquo;s Day flowers. Also cut the grass. Had I not covered the garage floor with gasoline in the process, I\u0026rsquo;d say I\u0026rsquo;m a great son.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCame home and removed the warning stickers from the visors in my car. I\u0026rsquo;ve decided I live life a little too much on the straight and narrow, so to hell with those things. Not even sure what they say. If it wasn\u0026rsquo;t something about not dipping and eating McNuggets while driving with your knees, I don\u0026rsquo;t need to hear it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Carrot cakewalk"},{"content":"So after work last night I headed over to Southside\u0026rsquo;s to meet up with some of the old crew from high school. Spent a few hours reminiscing about the past and catching up on what\u0026rsquo;s transpired in the 12 years since graduation. Great to see Luc, Kevin Dwyer, Kevin Beam, Adam and Allison.\nLater on I strapped my fat ass into a child\u0026rsquo;s seat and we headed over to the Barnea, home of the World famous \u0026ldquo;Here, take a look at my dick\u0026rdquo; washroom. We headed out to the patio where I was introduced to Adam\u0026rsquo;s younger sister and Luc introduced me to a Grade A secret pissing area. Few more hours of drinking then a little apartment booze to wrap things up. Item #1 on my To Do list: Hang out with these crazy fuckers more often \u0026hellip;\n\u0026hellip; but make sure I don\u0026rsquo;t have to work the next day!\nKind of a rough morning, but I rolled with the punches and showed up to work 4 hours late and left 2 hours early. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.\nActually it didn\u0026rsquo;t feel good at all. It really didn\u0026rsquo;t. But I\u0026rsquo;ve recovered. Only took a large coffee, a bagel, a Snickers, a Greek salad, some soup, two burritos, some chips, some macaroni salad, a Diet Coke and a few bottles of water to get myself back to feeling normal. And by normal I mean wheezy breaths punctuated by an occasional shooting pain in my chest. I\u0026rsquo;m sure I\u0026rsquo;ll be fine.\nOh, one more thing about last night. I was reminded of the after-prom party of \u0026lsquo;94, the first time I\u0026rsquo;d partied with these guys. This also marked the first time that sweet, sweet alcohol ever touched my lips. As you can see from the pictures below, I\u0026rsquo;m a mess of a human being.\nPicture 1 - \u0026ldquo;SYLVIA!\u0026rdquo;\nTold Sylvia I\u0026rsquo;d see her after the prom, but I didn\u0026rsquo;t know her room number. So I started dialing random numbers. When the person who answered wasn\u0026rsquo;t Sylvia or didn\u0026rsquo;t know anyone by that name, I hung up on them. Miraculously I think I found her after only a few calls. When she did show up, I\u0026rsquo;m quite certain the glare from the stretch marks peaking through the holes in my shirt sent her packing.\nPicture 2 - \u0026ldquo;Nappy Time!\u0026rdquo;\nThe fat man was done in by a hefty helping of Kahlua and Southern Comfort (not together). Kahlua would remain my drink of choice for several years until I discovered rye with whom my love affair continues to blossom.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/shine-on/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo after work last night I headed over to Southside\u0026rsquo;s to meet up with some of the old crew from high school. Spent a few hours reminiscing about the past and catching up on what\u0026rsquo;s transpired in the 12 years since graduation. Great to see Luc, Kevin Dwyer, Kevin Beam, Adam and Allison.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eLater on I strapped my fat ass into a child\u0026rsquo;s seat and we headed over to the Barnea, home of the World famous \u0026ldquo;Here, take a look at my dick\u0026rdquo; washroom. We headed out to the patio where I was introduced to Adam\u0026rsquo;s younger sister and Luc introduced me to a Grade A secret pissing area. Few more hours of drinking then a little apartment booze to wrap things up. Item #1 on my To Do list: Hang out with these crazy fuckers more often \u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Shine on"},{"content":"Got the windshield in the Corolla replaced yesterday morning. I bounced a stinky homeless child off it a couple weeks ago and the resulting crack caused the memory of that child to linger. I\u0026rsquo;ve got enough shit going through my head. I don\u0026rsquo;t need that.\nThen went to work and picked up some geekery on the way in. I asked the guy for a piece of hardware at the geek emporium and he answered, \u0026ldquo;Um, it doesn\u0026rsquo;t work that way.\u0026rdquo; Three seconds later he said, \u0026ldquo;Oh, wait\u0026rdquo; and repeated back to me exactly what I had asked him for, followed by, \u0026ldquo;You\u0026rsquo;ll find those in isle 22.\u0026rdquo; You worthless balding c word. I dumb down my request and deliberately talk slower than is called for, and what does it get me? One more jelly bean of rage to add to the jar.\nWork was work, then I headed home. Kat called to give me the OK to stop at MacDonald\u0026rsquo;s for a Big Mac. It was some kinda special day where part of my Big Mac money goes to a child who needs something. I didn\u0026rsquo;t partake as I\u0026rsquo;d just finished hoovering a piece of pizza at work. I rolled that pizza up and swallowed it like a pill, washing it down with a tall, cool cup of Pepsi. Unlike a pill, it cured nothing.\nDay off today. Had the windows open to sleep, then the fuckin\u0026rsquo; birds came out. 4:30 am and I gotta waddle my fat ass over to the windows to shut \u0026rsquo;em down. My inability to stay asleep when small noises occur has been described by many, including my mother, as \u0026ldquo;faggoty.\u0026rdquo;\nGot up at 9. Off to the mother\u0026rsquo;s for some lawn raking where I enjoyed some chips and toast with cold butter that wouldn\u0026rsquo;t friggin\u0026rsquo; spread (didn\u0026rsquo;t even slow me down a wink). Then took Kat\u0026rsquo;s truck to Niagara Falls to get some windows tinted. Awesome job. Awesome jobs always lead to Burger King. I enjoyed a Whopper and a frosty cup o\u0026rsquo; rootbeer. Got the truck washed, came home, installed a new cabin filter in it, shined up the tires, cut the grass, whacked some weeds, did some dishes, went to Canadian Tire, came home, tried to diagnose an ant problem by pouring gas on the side of the house, another trip to Canadian Tire, came home, started dinner, watched Grey\u0026rsquo;s Anatomy, typing this, then bed.\nAnd back at it all again tomorrow. Birds: We meet again in a little over 5 hours, you cheerful motherfuckers.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/hoping-for-replacement/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eGot the windshield in the Corolla replaced yesterday morning. I bounced a stinky homeless child off it a couple weeks ago and the resulting crack caused the memory of that child to linger. I\u0026rsquo;ve got enough shit going through my head. I don\u0026rsquo;t need that.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen went to work and picked up some geekery on the way in. I asked the guy for a piece of hardware at the geek emporium and he answered, \u0026ldquo;Um, it doesn\u0026rsquo;t work that way.\u0026rdquo; Three seconds later he said, \u0026ldquo;Oh, wait\u0026rdquo; and repeated back to me exactly what I had asked him for, followed by, \u0026ldquo;You\u0026rsquo;ll find those in isle 22.\u0026rdquo; You worthless balding c word. I dumb down my request and deliberately talk slower than is called for, and what does it get me? One more jelly bean of rage to add to the jar.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Hoping for replacement"},{"content":"Last night I was giving my teeth their monthly brushing and felt a burp coming on. Wish I\u0026rsquo;d had a clearer sense of what was about to transpire. My burp revealed itself to be an unfortunate mini mouth vomit. The food (I\u0026rsquo;m gonna say a wiener still fully formed and high on life) came up my esophagus, kissed the tip of the toothbrush and then disappeared from whence it came. Crossed my mind to rush down and write it up here for all to enjoy, but the prospect of sleep overtook me.\nGot up this morning with only slightly less effort than yesterday. Did some stuff, then off to work in the Big City. Solid afternoon of work, then the trip home. Kat and Leslie whipped up a delicious vegetarian taco salad which my body now processes into waste matter. Watching a bit of Grindhouse on the tele, then a short workout session and then bed.\nSo what did I learn at work today?\nAn \u0026ldquo;eight ball\u0026rdquo; of cocaine is one-eighth of an ounce. A good price for it would be about $200. If enjoyed in a leisurely manner, it would provide sustenance for one for a nice weekend. It\u0026rsquo;s called an eight ball as it usually comes in a round ball shape.\nIs there an \u0026ldquo;eight ball\u0026rdquo; of other drugs? No. And if I were to ask for an \u0026ldquo;eight ball\u0026rdquo; of weed (for example), I would be laughed at then shot.\nMushrooms taste horrible and weed brownies taste great. If one were to use too much weed in the brownies, one would expect barfing to occur. If the right amount is used, one can expect to have a terrific evening.\nCoco puffs (not cocoa puffs) are marijuana cigs sprinkled with cocaine. The giggle that accompanied this explanation suggests they would also provide a pleasurable evening.\nThat is all I learned at work today.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/white-knuckles/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eLast night I was giving my teeth their monthly brushing and felt a burp coming on. Wish I\u0026rsquo;d had a clearer sense of what was about to transpire. My burp revealed itself to be an unfortunate mini mouth vomit. The food (I\u0026rsquo;m gonna say a wiener still fully formed and high on life) came up my esophagus, kissed the tip of the toothbrush and then disappeared from whence it came. Crossed my mind to rush down and write it up here for all to enjoy, but the prospect of sleep overtook me.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"White knuckles"},{"content":"So Fort Erie Shaun tells me he was at the theatre watching Spiderman 3 Friday night and got his car broken into. Someone tried to steal the radio but only succeeded in tearing the dash to shit. Lesson learned, Shaun: Download your movies. I sat alone at 1 am Saturday night and watched the movie in the privacy of my own home. The only thing that was stolen was my heart by the stunning Mr. Tobey Maguire.\nSo yesterday I did a little grass cutting, a little barbecue refurbishing, some dishes, some laundry and that\u0026rsquo;s about it.\nToday I got some painting and paperwork done, then headed into the sweat shop for an abbreviated day of \u0026ldquo;work.\u0026rdquo; Rushed home, ate some wieners, watched an awesome episode of Heroes and now I type this.\nWord on the street is a moderate-to-severe gathering of FESS alums will be gathering at the old watering hole this Friday night. I\u0026rsquo;m planning on getting my teeth whitened, my stomach removed and my hairline restored to 1993 status so I\u0026rsquo;m sure to be the belle of the ball. Truth be told the most effort I\u0026rsquo;ll put forth will be to wipe off or reasonably minimize the amount of cream cheese I normally sport on my shirt and pants. I am who I am.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/break-it-down/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo Fort Erie Shaun tells me he was at the theatre watching Spiderman 3 Friday night and got his car broken into. Someone tried to steal the radio but only succeeded in tearing the dash to shit. Lesson learned, Shaun: Download your movies. I sat alone at 1 am Saturday night and watched the movie in the privacy of my own home. The only thing that was stolen was my heart by the stunning Mr. Tobey Maguire.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Break it down"},{"content":"Terrible sleep last night. It turns out that going to bed with a gut full of spicy tuna and tempura batter is not conducive to a quality nap. What seemed like an imminent vomit awoke me from my slumber at about 3 am. I talked the food back down and we made an agreement that it could instead become toxic gas. It held up its end of the bargain and this morning I considered burning my underwear, the sheets and the house. Yikes!\nSo have I learned my lesson about gorging? Doubt it. Brought me such glee when I won the Red Lobster shrimp eating contest of \u0026lsquo;06 that I\u0026rsquo;ll never back down from eating endless anything. And while I\u0026rsquo;d like to someday know what it feels like to be a boobless man, it\u0026rsquo;s clear that I stand little chance at a contest of any other sort, so fuck it.\nLet\u0026rsquo;s see, today we went to a couple of landscape places, picked up some carrots, saw a new horse baby, checked in on Kat\u0026rsquo;s horse, went to opening day at the race track, made a stop at Canadian Tire, BBQ\u0026rsquo;d dinner and I watched Smokin\u0026rsquo; Aces. While outside at one point I heard some young girls making a ruckus. Kat said they were having a car wash in a parking lot near by. If you\u0026rsquo;ve seen any of the \u0026ldquo;Bikini Carwash Company\u0026rdquo; movies you\u0026rsquo;ll agree that they\u0026rsquo;re bullshit as that kinda thing just doesn\u0026rsquo;t happen in real life.\nI drove by later on to see that it was a group of 13-15 year old girls and boys. I rushed home and covered the car in poop and pudding then stopped in for a wash and an eyeful, but I didn\u0026rsquo;t feel good about it.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/tiny-bubbles/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eTerrible sleep last night. It turns out that going to bed with a gut full of spicy tuna and tempura batter is not conducive to a quality nap. What seemed like an imminent vomit awoke me from my slumber at about 3 am. I talked the food back down and we made an agreement that it could instead become toxic gas. It held up its end of the bargain and this morning I considered burning my underwear, the sheets and the house. Yikes!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Tiny Bubbles"},{"content":"Alarm went off at 7:30 am and I snoozed \u0026rsquo;till 9:30. There\u0026rsquo;s the behaviour of someone ready to die.\nShort day of work followed by food. All-you-can-eat Sushi at Real Sushi in St. Catharines. Ate enough food to render me partially blind. Three \u0026ldquo;green dragons,\u0026rdquo; 30 rolls, 1 plate of battered something and a bowl of ice cream. Oh, and I did something special. This is a possible indicator that Chris Hickey\u0026rsquo;s bang on with his theory that I have a dangerous eating problem. I was brought a plate of food that I didn\u0026rsquo;t order, that didn\u0026rsquo;t look appealing and that I wasn\u0026rsquo;t particularly interested in. I talked myself into it and devoured the whole thing. Chris: It\u0026rsquo;s time for you to intervene and cement my mouth shut as we discussed.\nJust got back from walking the dogs. Came around a corner and saw a dude driving across the grassy median in his truck. Saw him pull into a driveway, grab something from the house and speed off. About 2 years ago I was walking the dogs past this house and found a wallet on the ground. Picked it up and checked the ID inside and found it was from one of the kids that lived at this address. Didn\u0026rsquo;t even hesitate. I took the wallet to the door and went to ring the bell. It was 1:30 am so I decided I\u0026rsquo;d just leave it in the mailbox.\nAs I got home and laid my fat head to rest, I congratulated myself for not even considering checking the wallet for cash. I assume the postman was less considerate and yanked the 40 bucks to buy dope. Were I a less straight-laced guy, I\u0026rsquo;d have taken the money and bought 3 Big Mac\u0026rsquo;s, a turkey sub, a jar of peanut butter, a brick of chocolate and a tub of marshmallow bananas. Am I alone here? For the love of God, I better be.\nSave yourselves, people. Save yourselves.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/evil-natured-robots/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAlarm went off at 7:30 am and I snoozed \u0026rsquo;till 9:30. There\u0026rsquo;s the behaviour of someone ready to die.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eShort day of work followed by food. All-you-can-eat Sushi at Real Sushi in St. Catharines. Ate enough food to render me partially blind. Three \u0026ldquo;green dragons,\u0026rdquo; 30 rolls, 1 plate of battered something and a bowl of ice cream. Oh, and I did something special. This is a possible indicator that Chris Hickey\u0026rsquo;s bang on with his theory that I have a dangerous eating problem. I was brought a plate of food that I didn\u0026rsquo;t order, that didn\u0026rsquo;t look appealing and that I wasn\u0026rsquo;t particularly interested in. I talked myself into it and devoured the whole thing. Chris: It\u0026rsquo;s time for you to intervene and cement my mouth shut as we discussed.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Evil-natured robots"},{"content":"Here\u0026rsquo;s a pretty good song:\nYour browser does not support the audio element. It\u0026rsquo;s from the first episode of Heroes that I rewatched a couple days ago. A catchy tune, though certainly a downer of a melody. Probably means it didn\u0026rsquo;t take long to write. I find it takes very little energy to be miserable. It\u0026rsquo;s pleasantness that\u0026rsquo;ll wear you out. Of course, you do feel better after venting some negativity. After I squeeze out a smile and a giggle all I want to do is watch you get your shoelace caught in an escalator.\nAnd speaking of negativity, I must mention Chris Hickey. You see, he\u0026rsquo;s this monster of a human being \u0026ndash; height of a hobit and girth of a train. He\u0026rsquo;s got what you might call a bit of a weight problem. I think he may be well on his way to hitting rock bottom after a voicemail I received from him today. I call this chapter one:\nAnyway, I\u0026rsquo;m sure he\u0026rsquo;ll be fine. Though historically he\u0026rsquo;s appreciated getting some airtime here, I suspect he\u0026rsquo;ll be taking a bat to my head when we next cross paths.\nI hope the bat is covered in toasted bagels with cream cheese.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-pursuit-of-fattyness/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eHere\u0026rsquo;s a pretty good song:\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003caudio controls preload=\"metadata\"\u003e\n  \u003csource src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Eyes.mp3\" type=\"audio/mp3\"\u003e\n  Your browser does not support the audio element.\n\u003c/audio\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eIt\u0026rsquo;s from the first episode of Heroes that I rewatched a couple days ago. A catchy tune, though certainly a downer of a melody. Probably means it didn\u0026rsquo;t take long to write. I find it takes very little energy to be miserable. It\u0026rsquo;s pleasantness that\u0026rsquo;ll wear you out. Of course, you do feel better after venting some negativity. After I squeeze out a smile and a giggle all I want to do is watch you get your shoelace caught in an escalator.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The Pursuit of Fattyness"},{"content":"Today I saw a dude riding his bike along the boulevard. He had a mullet and a full 24 case of Lucky Lager on the cross bar between his legs (it was a girl\u0026rsquo;s bike with no horizontal bar). He really was putting a lot of effort into it and you can imagine it was awkward. He was so concerned about the safety of the beer that he rarely lifted his head to see where he was steering. And yes, he did have a mustache.\nI happened to have my camera with me but figured it would embarrass us both too much to use it. I like to think he would have embraced his scumbagness, but really the shock and anger probably would have overwhelmed him, he would have fallen off his bike and killed the beer. I understand that the photos of the accident would have been awesome, but I\u0026rsquo;m such a pussy I would have felt bad and feared retribution.\nSo right about now I would imagine he\u0026rsquo;s at home smoking something and tripping over children that should be asleep. His wife is bundled up in a lawn chair on the porch talking very loud to herself about classic rock. She\u0026rsquo;s overloading every sentence with curse words and her neighbour who complains about her infrequent lawn trimmings is forced to hear it all. Every few minutes she walks past the window, sees her husband and tell\u0026rsquo;s him to \u0026ldquo;Go to bed you cocksucker!\u0026rdquo; He gives her the finger because you know why? Cuz today was his turn to get the beer.\nI hope they both fall into a hole full of angry beavers with switchblades for arms.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/i-want-you-to-hit-me-as-hard-as-you-can/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eToday I saw a dude riding his bike along the boulevard. He had a mullet and a full 24 case of Lucky Lager on the cross bar between his legs (it was a girl\u0026rsquo;s bike with no horizontal bar). He really was putting a lot of effort into it and you can imagine it was awkward. He was so concerned about the safety of the beer that he rarely lifted his head to see where he was steering. And yes, he did have a mustache.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I want you to hit me as hard as you can"},{"content":"So tired. Three hours of sleep. Could have been 4 if not for the birds that chirped outside my window. Suppose it could have been 6 if I were better at managing time. Heck, it could have been 8 if I didn\u0026rsquo;t need a midnight BBC (big bacon classic).\nBehaved better today. My body saw fruit. And whole wheat. And only a smattering of Sour Nerds.\nLegs began to spasm around St. Catharines on the drive home. Punched them repeatedly to keep hope alive. Made it home. Celebrated with a banana and the paying of bills. Now to bed. I love you all.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/ko/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo tired. Three hours of sleep. Could have been 4 if not for the birds that chirped outside my window. Suppose it could have been 6 if I were better at managing time. Heck, it could have been 8 if I didn\u0026rsquo;t need a midnight BBC (big bacon classic).\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBehaved better today. My body saw fruit. And whole wheat. And only a smattering of Sour Nerds.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eLegs began to spasm around St. Catharines on the drive home. Punched them repeatedly to keep hope alive. Made it home. Celebrated with a banana and the paying of bills. Now to bed. I love you all.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"KO"},{"content":"I dropped a \u0026ldquo;bomb\u0026rdquo; in the shower this morning and got a little light-headed, then nauseous. It was awesome.\nI got to work today, but only 3 hours late.\nI ate enough food in 12 hours to fit tightly in an average sized carry-on bag.\nI want someone to knock me unconscious with a kick to the back of my head so I can finally get some decent sleep.\nI\u0026rsquo;m very, very happy to be here. Thanks for inviting me. I\u0026rsquo;m sorry I knocked over your lamp. It was a pretty lamp. I\u0026rsquo;m not sorry I knocked over your wife. She was asking for it.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/water/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI dropped a \u0026ldquo;bomb\u0026rdquo; in the shower this morning and got a little light-headed, then nauseous. It was awesome.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI got to work today, but only 3 hours late.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI ate enough food in 12 hours to fit tightly in an average sized carry-on bag.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI want someone to knock me unconscious with a kick to the back of my head so I can finally get some decent sleep.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;m very, very happy to be here. Thanks for inviting me. I\u0026rsquo;m sorry I knocked over your lamp. It was a pretty lamp. I\u0026rsquo;m not sorry I knocked over your wife. She was asking for it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Water"},{"content":"So back to work yesterday. Spent the whole day catching up on stuff that piled up while I was away. Managed to squeeze in some quality time with a slice of pizza, chocolate milk and a Mars bar.\nGot home and downloaded the new episode of Heroes that aired last night. Right now this is the only show I\u0026rsquo;m watching on TV and you should be too. If you check it out for no other reason, you should get a load of Hayden Panetierre (right). If I were 10 years younger and she were blind, I like to think we\u0026rsquo;d have a pretty good thing going. She turns 18 on August 21st and I think I\u0026rsquo;ll give her a call. Maybe she\u0026rsquo;d like to come over and spend a quiet evening eating BLT subs with extra mayo.\nWatched a little South Park and called it a night. Got up this morning and been working on Woodbine stuff all day. Breakfast: Subway sub. Lunch: Tortilla chips and salsa. Snack: Jelly Bellies + rye \u0026amp; coke.\nDinner: ???\nOption 1 - Whatever Kat has brewing in the crockpot.\nOption 2 - Slam my face into a jar of peanut butter.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/werk/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo back to work yesterday. Spent the whole day catching up on stuff that piled up while I was away. Managed to squeeze in some quality time with a slice of pizza, chocolate milk and a Mars bar.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"accesshollywood2.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/accesshollywood2.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGot home and downloaded the new episode of Heroes that aired last night. Right now this is the only show I\u0026rsquo;m watching on TV and you should be too. If you check it out for no other reason, you should get a load of Hayden Panetierre (right). If I were 10 years younger and she were blind, I like to think we\u0026rsquo;d have a pretty good thing going. She turns 18 on August 21st and I think I\u0026rsquo;ll give her a call. Maybe she\u0026rsquo;d like to come over and spend a quiet evening eating BLT subs with extra mayo.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Werk"},{"content":"Another day, another bike ride.\nDay started off late, then I sat around the house trying to convince myself NOT to eat everything in the fridge. Delicious bbq chicken for dinner, then off to the barn again. Kat tacked up Lucas and we went for another ride down the trail.\nI broke away from Kat to sprint ahead (the term sprint might be overstating things). Was a kilometre or so ahead of her when I passed a family going the other way. The young girl, probably only 2 or 3, seemed delighted to be able to greet a stranger. She said hello and I returned the same. At the last moment before we passed, I think she may\u0026rsquo;ve caught site of a nut as these shorts are notoriously baggy. If she did, there\u0026rsquo;s no recovering from that.\nCame home. Lesley came over to watch some TV with Kat. I\u0026rsquo;m gonna track down more food, then head to bed. Back to work tomorrow to pick up the pieces from a week and a half of absence!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/lats-quads-delts/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAnother day, another bike ride.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDay started off late, then I sat around the house trying to convince myself NOT to eat everything in the fridge. Delicious bbq chicken for dinner, then off to the barn again. Kat tacked up Lucas and we went for another ride down the trail.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI broke away from Kat to sprint ahead (the term sprint might be overstating things). Was a kilometre or so ahead of her when I passed a family going the other way. The young girl, probably only 2 or 3, seemed delighted to be able to greet a stranger. She said hello and I returned the same. At the last moment before we passed, I think she may\u0026rsquo;ve caught site of a nut as these shorts are notoriously baggy. If she did, there\u0026rsquo;s no recovering from that.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Lats, quads, delts..."},{"content":"\nSo we hit the road for a pretty nice little Saturday. No Home Depot or Bed, Bath and Beyond, but we did visit the metropolis of Ridgeway. Had to get my wedding band resized. Even though I officially put on 5 pounds last week in Vegas (and yes, I do recognize the femininity of my weight obsession problem), my ring is just too damn loose. And having the active lifestyle I do, I can\u0026rsquo;t risk it falling off while I\u0026rsquo;m watching TV, driving my car or sitting at my desk.\nComing out of the jewelers, Kat and I saw a sight we hadn\u0026rsquo;t before. Evidently there are cops on horseback in the area. They even gave us a smile and hello as they passed by, which leads me to believe these may have been some local ne\u0026rsquo;erdowells in costume playing an elaborate prank. And come to think of it, I think one of the horses was wearing a wristwatch.\nNonetheless, we continued on and hit the Friendship Trail \u0026ndash; I on my bike and Kat on her horse.\nThe weather couldn\u0026rsquo;t have been better. I zipped on ahead and stopped briefly to celebrate the glorious day with an impromptu game of Tetris on my cell phone. While I sat there and absolutely dominated that Tetris game, I could swear I heard a frog in the ditch behind me call me a fat fuck.\nI turned back and on my return trip I happened upon a caterpillar strolling across the path. With these nerdalicious glasses of mine, I may never make it to the UFC, but I can spot furry critters from a distance, arguably a gift of equal significance:\nHe took only a few moments to cross the path the safety. Such a peaceful event sent my mind spiraling back to grade 6 and my first schoolyard fight. There were plenty of assholes in school, but I never got the chance to step into the ring with them. Until one day, one of the tier 2 assholes decided to lob stones in my direction. When it started to go down, I immediately put him into what onlookers would later describe as a crude piledriver-type hold, pushing his face into the dirt. I emerged victorious and he emerged with a bloody lip. Ah, sweet victory!\nI made a quick stopover at a nearby beach where my decision to wear shorts this day proved a poor one. Damn, damn cold. There was still plenty of ice in the water and I had to keep moving if I hoped to survive.\nAnd we then returned to the barn where Kat unloaded Lucas, her horse who claims he had a wonderful time!\nFrom there we rushed to a birthday dinner at Artemis where I filled my gunt with a brick of feta cheese the size of a car battery. Then home to eat some cake, watch a dude get knocked out Barnhardt style with a kick to the head at UFC 70, see the yumtastic Scarlett Johansson on another tragically unfunny episode of SNL, write up this half-assed summary through half-opened eyes and finally, now I\u0026rsquo;m going the F to bed!!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/70-psi/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"21-04-07_1418.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/21-04-07_1418.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo we hit the road for a pretty nice little Saturday. No Home Depot or Bed, Bath and Beyond, but we did visit the metropolis of Ridgeway. Had to get my wedding band resized. Even though I officially put on 5 pounds last week in Vegas (and yes, I do recognize the femininity of my weight obsession problem), my ring is just too damn loose. And having the active lifestyle I do, I can\u0026rsquo;t risk it falling off while I\u0026rsquo;m watching TV, driving my car or sitting at my desk.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"70 PSI"},{"content":"Alright, I\u0026rsquo;m back on my home turf! I\u0026rsquo;ve officially left Las Vegas. To sum up what I\u0026rsquo;ve learned\u0026hellip;\nthe national sport in Mexico must be some kind of competitive card flicking; you really gotta visit Vegas to understand this free alcohol tastes better plane rides to Vegas attract people who shit their pants; plane rides to Buffalo attract people who\u0026rsquo;ve had their normal brand of deodorant substituted by some kind of spicy onion paste old people and dance clubs don\u0026rsquo;t mix and yes, I consider myself one of said old people despite what I was told at the time, Calgary cannot possibly be the nose picking capital of the world; the blood-laced crusty nuggets I spelunked from my nasal cavity these past four days are proof positive Vegas casinos have EXACTLY the same senior citizen to human ratio as Canadian casinos, but they have a far greater number of female prostitutes with testicles baths are just as gay as they ever were give a Barnhardt the chance to eat a lot and he will eat a lot; give him the chance to drink a lot and he will drink a lot; give him wild fig and ivy moisturizing cream and he will indeed use it, but only on his feet And that about sums it up! Back to reality!!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vegas-is-over-man/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAlright, I\u0026rsquo;m back on my home turf! I\u0026rsquo;ve officially left Las Vegas. To sum up what I\u0026rsquo;ve learned\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ethe national sport in Mexico must be some kind of competitive card flicking; you really gotta visit Vegas to understand this\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003efree alcohol tastes better\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eplane rides to Vegas attract people who shit their pants; plane rides to Buffalo attract people who\u0026rsquo;ve had their normal brand of deodorant substituted by some kind of spicy onion paste\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eold people and dance clubs don\u0026rsquo;t mix and yes, I consider myself one of said old people\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003edespite what I was told at the time, Calgary cannot possibly be the nose picking capital of the world; the blood-laced crusty nuggets I spelunked from my nasal cavity these past four days are proof positive\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eVegas casinos have EXACTLY the same senior citizen to human ratio as Canadian casinos, but they have a far greater number of female prostitutes with testicles\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ebaths are just as gay as they ever were\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003egive a Barnhardt the chance to eat a lot and he will eat a lot; give him the chance to drink a lot and he will drink a lot; give him wild fig and ivy moisturizing cream and he will indeed use it, but only on his feet\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003c/ul\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd that about sums it up! Back to reality!!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vegas is over, man!"},{"content":"So I\u0026rsquo;m sitting at the Las Vegas airport waiting for my flight home\u0026hellip;\nAnd no, that\u0026rsquo;s not me. It\u0026rsquo;s the fruit who WAS sitting next to me. He seemed to be having an argument on his cell phone with either his girlfriend or his life partner. Several times he threatened to \u0026ldquo;go back to California\u0026rdquo; if he/she continued to treat him the way he/she was. He then called a hotel somewhere and was unhappy with their room rates. He called the life partner back and told him/her off some more. Then he left. I\u0026rsquo;m probably moments away from seeing him tie his ankle to the landing gear of a plane. I wish him well.\nWill be landing in Buffalo around 1 am and be back to Fort Erie shortly thereafter (if Girdy doesn\u0026rsquo;t fuck me!). I may write again tonight as that\u0026rsquo;ll be only about 10 pm to my body clock. If not, after I do some hardcore sleeping in tomorrow, you\u0026rsquo;ll hear from me again!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/fort-erie-about-to-get-300-pounds-fatter/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo I\u0026rsquo;m sitting at the Las Vegas airport waiting for my flight home\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/19-04-07_1627-small.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"19-04-07_1627-small.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/19-04-07_1627-small.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd no, that\u0026rsquo;s not me. It\u0026rsquo;s the fruit who WAS sitting next to me. He seemed to be having an argument on his cell phone with either his girlfriend or his life partner. Several times he threatened to \u0026ldquo;go back to California\u0026rdquo; if he/she continued to treat him the way he/she was. He then called a hotel somewhere and was unhappy with their room rates. He called the life partner back and told him/her off some more. Then he left. I\u0026rsquo;m probably moments away from seeing him tie his ankle to the landing gear of a plane. I wish him well.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Fort Erie about to get 300 pounds fatter!"},{"content":"So today was our second last day here in Las Vegas. How my feet haven\u0026rsquo;t fallen off completely, I\u0026rsquo;ll never know. It\u0026rsquo;s been exhausting and I\u0026rsquo;ve gained many pounds of disgusting bloat. For example, just tonight we were treated to an extensive dinner at this place. Afterwards we went to the Voodoo Lounge. I think this place would be cool if I wasn\u0026rsquo;t a fat mess, it wasn\u0026rsquo;t fantastically windy and I had 2 to 3 pounds of sweet cocaine. Nonetheless, it was an experience and I took this crappy pic on my cell phone:\nSpeaking of crappy, here\u0026rsquo;s the toilet in my room. It\u0026rsquo;s so loud when it flushes and the suction is so powerful that I poop a little and my toupee shifts. Absolutely terrifying.\nThursday will see us back at the convention centre looking at some remaining displays. Then back on the plane for a 5:40 departure.\nGotta say all in all it\u0026rsquo;s been a valuable trip for work purposes and aside from that, it\u0026rsquo;s been a pretty entertaining time. I think it\u0026rsquo;s the only place I\u0026rsquo;ve been to where you can walk the streets with open booze. Actually, I think that flies in Fort Erie too. Okay, so Las Vegas and Fort Erie are the two places I\u0026rsquo;ve been that encourage public drinking. And since the chance of me getting into prostitute trouble is significantly less in the Fort, I think I best return.\nHope y\u0026rsquo;all like the fatter me!!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vegas-winding-down/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo today was our second last day here in Las Vegas. How my feet haven\u0026rsquo;t fallen off completely, I\u0026rsquo;ll never know. It\u0026rsquo;s been exhausting and I\u0026rsquo;ve gained many pounds of disgusting bloat. For example, just tonight we were treated to an extensive dinner \u003ca href=\"http://ferraroslasvegas.com/\"\u003eat this place\u003c/a\u003e. Afterwards we went to the \u003ca href=\"http://www.vegas.com/nightclubs/voodoo/index.html\"\u003eVoodoo Lounge\u003c/a\u003e. I think this place would be cool if I wasn\u0026rsquo;t a fat mess, it wasn\u0026rsquo;t fantastically windy and I had 2 to 3 pounds of sweet cocaine. Nonetheless, it was an experience and I took this crappy pic on my cell phone:\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vegas winding down!"},{"content":"Brief post \u0026lsquo;cuz I gotta get to sleep!!\nHere\u0026rsquo;s a picture of a girl\u0026rsquo;s ass:\nShe had the body of a 13 year old and a face like a dead gorilla\u0026rsquo;s armpit. I can\u0026rsquo;t begin to describe how hot that was.\nHere\u0026rsquo;s Barnhardt eating (big f\u0026rsquo;n surprise!):\nI guess the revelation here is that I like cake. Wait a second. No. There is in fact nothing this picture will tell you that you didn\u0026rsquo;t already know about me. Different time zone. Different country. I\u0026rsquo;m still an eating machine. They had to take a shovel to my back to stop me from filling my face. Rock and roll!!\nOn the way back to the hotel, we spotted these two ladies dancing just outside about an hour ago:\nDay 3 tomorrow and I haven\u0026rsquo;t been arrested yet. Here\u0026rsquo;s hoping!!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/day-2-in-sin-city/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eBrief post \u0026lsquo;cuz I gotta get to sleep!!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHere\u0026rsquo;s a picture of a girl\u0026rsquo;s ass:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/img_6985.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"img_6985.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/img_6985.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eShe had the body of a 13 year old and a face like a dead gorilla\u0026rsquo;s armpit. I can\u0026rsquo;t begin to describe how hot that was.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHere\u0026rsquo;s Barnhardt eating (big f\u0026rsquo;n surprise!):\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/img_7003.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"img_7003.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/img_7003.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI guess the revelation here is that I like cake. Wait a second. No. There is in fact nothing this picture will tell you that you didn\u0026rsquo;t already know about me. Different time zone. Different country. I\u0026rsquo;m still an eating machine. They had to take a shovel to my back to stop me from filling my face. Rock and roll!!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Day 2 in Sin City!"},{"content":"\nBefore coming here, my only exposure to Vegas was an old episode of Roseanne and the ending of Con Air. To my surprise, it\u0026rsquo;s exactly like that. Here\u0026rsquo;s a view from my window.\nSo I\u0026rsquo;ve begun quite the collection of, what I\u0026rsquo;m calling \u0026ldquo;whore trading cards.\u0026rdquo; You\u0026rsquo;ll see the fruits of my labour later this week. If I don\u0026rsquo;t have enough to wallpaper a small room, then I haven\u0026rsquo;t done my job and there\u0026rsquo;s gonna be a truckload of miserable Mexicans out here.\nThe flight out here was the opposite of good. Cheers to Jeff Girdlestone for a wonderful and timely ride over. Jeers to the pilot for a ridiculous amount of turbulence and double jeers to the c-suckers behind me who must\u0026rsquo;ve shit their pants.\nWent to the Outback for dinner. The verdict? NOT as good as Niagara Falls Outback. Blows your mind, doesn\u0026rsquo;t it?\nOff to bed as I must rise early for the first day of our conference. My feet will have more sores than Shaun Carolan\u0026rsquo;s back and I\u0026rsquo;ll be crying like a little girl who had to see her doggy wiped out by a motorbike, or something like that.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vegas-is-just-like-in-the-movies/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"Vegas window\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/img_6990.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBefore coming here, my only exposure to Vegas was an old episode of Roseanne and the ending of Con Air. To my surprise, it\u0026rsquo;s \u003cem\u003eexactly\u003c/em\u003e like that. Here\u0026rsquo;s a view from my window.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo I\u0026rsquo;ve begun quite the collection of, what I\u0026rsquo;m calling \u0026ldquo;whore trading cards.\u0026rdquo; You\u0026rsquo;ll see the fruits of my labour later this week. If I don\u0026rsquo;t have enough to wallpaper a small room, then I haven\u0026rsquo;t done my job and there\u0026rsquo;s gonna be a truckload of miserable Mexicans out here.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Vegas is... just like in the movies!"},{"content":"Be sure to check in all week for coverage of my trip to Vegas!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/nab-vegas-2007/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eBe sure to check in all week for coverage of my trip to Vegas!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"NAB - Vegas 2007"},{"content":"So we leave for Vegas in the morning, arriving there at about 1 pm Vegas time. Have tickets for a \u0026ldquo;cocktail party and buffet\u0026rdquo; at 7 pm. The real question is, \u0026ldquo;Will Barnhardt make it through the week without making an ass of himself?\u0026rdquo; Tough call. Let me think\u0026hellip; have I ever done something inappropriate in a group setting\u0026hellip;\u0026hellip;\nThere was the New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve about 5 years ago where I thought I could go shot-for-shot with the eldest Carolan. Couldn\u0026rsquo;t, and felt a sudden need to nap, so did so in the crapper. Kind of a tiny bathroom at Spoar\u0026rsquo;s old apt. so I stretched out and punted his shower door off it\u0026rsquo;s track (yes Ryan, that was me). Others had to use the bathroom and couldn\u0026rsquo;t remove me\u0026hellip; ah, I\u0026rsquo;ll let this video tell the tale.\nOther things I\u0026rsquo;ve done while drinking:\nchoked a co-worker to near unconsciousness slammed my college landlord against a wall repeatedly (wait, no, I was sober) smashed my fist through a tile wall (can\u0026rsquo;t reveal where that happened for legal reasons) peed into Niagara Falls (oddly I\u0026rsquo;m not ashamed of that one) \u0026hellip; and I\u0026rsquo;m sure there are many more that only others know! VIVA LAS VEGAS!!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. SLEEPS \u0026lsquo;TILL VEGAS: ONE!!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/im-afraid-of-americans/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo we leave for Vegas in the morning, arriving there at about 1 pm Vegas time. Have tickets for a \u0026ldquo;cocktail party and buffet\u0026rdquo; at 7 pm. The real question is, \u0026ldquo;Will Barnhardt make it through the week without making an ass of himself?\u0026rdquo; Tough call. Let me think\u0026hellip; have I ever done something inappropriate in a group setting\u0026hellip;\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere was the New Year\u0026rsquo;s Eve about 5 years ago where I thought I could go shot-for-shot with the eldest Carolan. Couldn\u0026rsquo;t, and felt a sudden need to nap, so did so in the crapper. Kind of a tiny bathroom at Spoar\u0026rsquo;s old apt. so I stretched out and punted his shower door off it\u0026rsquo;s track (yes Ryan, that was me). Others had to use the bathroom and couldn\u0026rsquo;t remove me\u0026hellip; ah, I\u0026rsquo;ll let this video tell the tale.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"I'm afraid of Americans"},{"content":"\nSo Jeff\u0026rsquo;s driving us to the airport on Sunday. This reminds me of the first time I ate ants.\nI was young and had a penchant for eating potato chips. I had a half-finished bag of the tastiest BBQ chips Fort Erie ever sold. I tucked them away beneath some sheets and pillows so no one would take them (it would only have been Andrew \u0026ndash; I needn\u0026rsquo;t have taken such measures).\nOne quiet Saturday afternoon I took out the chips and started to shovel them into my mouth. Years of eating had my skills honed \u0026ndash; I opened the bag without even looking!\nNow I can\u0026rsquo;t say what was on TV. I can say that it had me ENTHRALLED and knowing the time period it was probably Three\u0026rsquo;s Company or Growing Pains related. During a slow point, I pulled my hand from the bag and looked down to realize that my hand was swarming with tiny ambitious ants. Hmm. That\u0026rsquo;s weird. I looked in the bag and found it contained more ants than chips.\nSo I\u0026rsquo;d been sitting there for well over 10 minutes and must have eaten literally HUNDREDS of ants. Must pat myself on the back fat because even at the time I understood the high comedic value of the story. Sure, it\u0026rsquo;s a little degrading as are many of my better stories, but it\u0026rsquo;s brought joy to the hearts of many over the years, so to hell with it. Hooray!\nYour browser does not support the audio element. NUMBER OF SLEEPS \u0026lsquo;TILL VEGAS: 2\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/61/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"img_6400.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/img_6400.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo Jeff\u0026rsquo;s driving us to the airport on Sunday. This reminds me of the first time I ate ants.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI was young and had a penchant for eating potato chips. I had a half-finished bag of the tastiest BBQ chips Fort Erie ever sold. I tucked them away beneath some sheets and pillows so no one would take them (it would only have been Andrew \u0026ndash; I needn\u0026rsquo;t have taken such measures).\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The First Time I Ate Ants"},{"content":"\nAn 18% creamy tear came to my eye earlier today when the greasiest man in Canadian broadcasting arrived to work and presented me with a large double double. I offered him my undying gratitude and $2 to cover the beverage* \u0026ndash; both were rudely refused.\nSo I salute you, Chris Hickey. You have brought this young chap more joy than Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and that $200 lady of the night ever could.\nWhen you hit the air tonight and say a chubby \u0026ldquo;Hello\u0026rdquo; to Canada, know that your double double led to a drive-home stop at MacDonald\u0026rsquo;s where it was met by a quarter pounder chaser. In my stomach, they\u0026rsquo;re now sitting together on bean bag chairs, playing crazy 8\u0026rsquo;s and highly anticipating a 2 a.m. poo conversion and 3 a.m. explosive release.\nYou\u0026rsquo;re swell.\nNUMBER OF SLEEPS \u0026lsquo;TILL VEGAS: 3\nYour browser does not support the audio element. \\* a lie\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/thursdays-hero-chris-the-jack-hammer-hickey/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/31-03-07_2124.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"Chris Hickey\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/31-03-07_2124.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAn 18% creamy tear came to my eye earlier today when the greasiest man in Canadian broadcasting arrived to work and presented me with a large double double. I offered him my undying gratitude and $2 to cover the beverage* \u0026ndash; both were rudely refused.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo I salute you, Chris Hickey. You have brought this young chap more joy than Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and that $200 lady of the night ever could.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Thursday's Hero: Chris \"The Jack Hammer\" Hickey"},{"content":"Whoever you are, I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure I don\u0026rsquo;t hate you. However, everyone other than you? Yeah, I hate them.\nBack in \u0026lsquo;94 I had a brief stint as a deconstruction worker (I wasn\u0026rsquo;t good enough to put anything together, only tear it apart). After about 5 hours of terribly boring grunt work I accidentally stepped on a 2x4 and had two rusty nails go into my foot. Boss had to drive me to the emergency room for a tetanus shot while I was still wearing some beat up and unfortunately flaming red skin-tight sweat pants.\nPrior to that, around about \u0026lsquo;89, I worked at a local restaurant as a bus boy/waiter/chef/dishwasher. That actually lasted a couple months. The highlights were having my apron fall around my knees as I brought a table their order and one day telling the boss\u0026rsquo;s son that I didn\u0026rsquo;t feel like cutting the lettuce. Safe to say I had more balls as a 13-year-old than I do now.\nI reflect on those days because man, did it ever feel good to walk away from them.\nBeing a quitter is highly underrated.\nYour browser does not support the audio element. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/not-you-but-everyone-else/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWhoever you are, I\u0026rsquo;m pretty sure I don\u0026rsquo;t hate you. However, everyone other than you? Yeah, I hate them.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBack in \u0026lsquo;94 I had a brief stint as a deconstruction worker (I wasn\u0026rsquo;t good enough to put anything together, only tear it apart). After about 5 hours of terribly boring grunt work I accidentally stepped on a 2x4 and had two rusty nails go into my foot. Boss had to drive me to the emergency room for a tetanus shot while I was still wearing some beat up and unfortunately flaming red skin-tight sweat pants.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Not you, but everyone else"},{"content":"\nChewbacca, you smug mother fucker.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/chewie/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/11-04-07_1748.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"11-04-07_1748.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/11-04-07_1748.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eChewbacca, you smug mother fucker.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Chewie"},{"content":"The digital camera containing this photo was recently found during construction at Ground Zero. On that day America lost it\u0026rsquo;s innocence and one man saw $80 in highlights go down the drain.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-last-photo-surfaces/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThe digital camera containing this photo was recently found during construction at Ground Zero. On that day America lost it\u0026rsquo;s innocence and one man saw $80 in highlights go down the drain.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"wtcspoar.jpg\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/wtcspoar.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The 'Last Photo' Surfaces..."},{"content":"One week without a post. How tragic. What\u0026rsquo;s been going on? Busy at work. Also took Katrina to see We Will Rock You yesterday in Toronto. Pretty good. Will have to revisit some Queen music to see why I don\u0026rsquo;t love them more.\nThat Suzie McNeil chick from Rockstar INXS was in the show. Pretty damn hot. Almost a bit of a Debbie Gibson thing goin\u0026rsquo; on (and there ain\u0026rsquo;t nothin\u0026rsquo; wrong with that!).\nHere she is singing Bohemian Rhapsody (it helps to picture Debbie Gibson in her Playboy spread singing this):\nYour browser does not support the audio element. Hmm. Not sure I actually like that. Wait a sec\u0026rsquo;\u0026hellip;\nYep. That\u0026rsquo;s better.\nBy the way, anyone looking for a super low-grade time killer should check out Facebook.com. It\u0026rsquo;s sweeping the nation!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/facebook/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eOne week without a post. How tragic. What\u0026rsquo;s been going on? Busy at work. Also took Katrina to see \u003ca href=\"http://www.wewillrockyou.ca/\" title=\"We Will Rock You\"\u003eWe Will Rock You\u003c/a\u003e yesterday in Toronto. Pretty good. Will have to revisit some Queen music to see why I don\u0026rsquo;t love them more.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat Suzie McNeil chick from Rockstar INXS was in the show. Pretty damn hot. Almost a bit of a Debbie Gibson thing goin\u0026rsquo; on (and there ain\u0026rsquo;t nothin\u0026rsquo; wrong with that!).\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Facebook"},{"content":"Well, not me, that\u0026rsquo;s for sure. Unless my magical powers are growing chins and wearing the same shirt for 5 days straight.\nJoe and Pat are trying out for the SciFi channel\u0026rsquo;s second season of Who Wants To Be A Superhero. They had Beth write up a script and enlisted the help of Dan and Shaun as performers. I played the behind-the-scenes role of slow-witted, stocky editor.\nHere\u0026rsquo;s hoping they land a spot on the show so I can finally get the $20 Pat owes me. Enjoy the tryout video now!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/who-wants-to-be-a-superhero/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWell, not me, that\u0026rsquo;s for sure. Unless my magical powers are growing chins and wearing the same shirt for 5 days straight.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eJoe and Pat are trying out for the SciFi channel\u0026rsquo;s second season of \u003ca href=\"http://www.scifi.com/superhero/index.php\" title=\"Check out the show's site.\"\u003eWho Wants To Be A Superhero\u003c/a\u003e. They had Beth write up a script and enlisted the help of Dan and Shaun as performers. I played the behind-the-scenes role of slow-witted, stocky editor.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Who Wants To Be A Superhero?"},{"content":"\nSo we all got together for Shaun\u0026rsquo;s birthday a little over 2 weeks ago. Photos have surfaced, including a great shot of the ill-fated sushi boat. I went all Vishnu on that mother fucker and it didn\u0026rsquo;t stand a chance.\nThe Kyle-Jenny offspring was throwin\u0026rsquo; punches like Ali and Girdy was downin\u0026rsquo; fish like it was a cure for baldness. Classic.\nAfterwards I told the group to go to hell and rushed home to hang out with my new friends, my laptop and a tube of crackers, both of which have far more promising futures than any of those other jerks.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/sushi-eatin-and-thats-about-it/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/img_4814.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"SUSHI!\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/img_4814.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo we all got together for Shaun\u0026rsquo;s birthday a little over 2 weeks ago. Photos have surfaced, including a great shot of the ill-fated sushi boat. I went all Vishnu on that mother fucker and it didn\u0026rsquo;t stand a chance.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Kyle-Jenny offspring was throwin\u0026rsquo; punches like Ali and Girdy was downin\u0026rsquo; fish like it was a cure for baldness. Classic.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAfterwards I told the group to go to hell and rushed home to hang out with my new friends, my laptop and a tube of crackers, both of which have far more promising futures than any of those other jerks.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Sushi eatin' and that's about it"},{"content":"Owen Xavier Barnhardt slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God as he passed away peacefully at 1:20 am this morning.\nWe trust that he\u0026rsquo;s running through the coloured plastic tubes of heaven right now. RIP you lovable, photogenic dude.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/owen-has-left-the-building/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eOwen Xavier Barnhardt slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God as he passed away peacefully at 1:20 am this morning.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"pict3397-medium.JPG\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/pict3397-medium.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe trust that he\u0026rsquo;s running through the coloured plastic tubes of heaven right now. RIP you lovable, photogenic dude.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Owen has left the building..."},{"content":"So last night I thought it\u0026rsquo;d be a good idea to give some of this herbal laxative tea a try. Not because I was have poo-related issues, but I\u0026rsquo;d had it in the cupboard for a few years and seemed like it\u0026rsquo;d be a good story to tell if my ass exploded on the way to work.\nWell, I had a nice morning crud and then was fine for the way in to work. However, the lunch hour saw me ass pissing in the crapper. Then we got sent home early due to the storm heading our way. (As you can see from the picture, it wasn\u0026rsquo;t a good day to be driving or stealing children). The usual 1:45 ride home ended up being a 4:30 record breaker! About 2 hours into the drive, my innards told me that it was time to round out the hat trick. A McDonald\u0026rsquo;s restaurant was the recipient of my third ass blast.\nAnd even now, with every bit of gas I pass I worry that I\u0026rsquo;ll be slopping these drawers into the garbage.\nSo now I know: laxative tea does in fact work. Tell your friends.\nUPDATE - 10:50 pm: I\u0026rsquo;ve just shat for the fourth time.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/pant-shitting-snow-storming-piece-of-shit-day/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo last night I thought it\u0026rsquo;d be a good idea to give some of this herbal laxative tea a try. Not because I was have poo-related issues, but I\u0026rsquo;d had it in the cupboard for a few years and seemed like it\u0026rsquo;d be a good story to tell if my ass exploded on the way to work.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"195385_31.JPG\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/195385_31.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWell, I had a nice morning crud and then was fine for the way in to work. However, the lunch hour saw me ass pissing in the crapper. Then we got sent home early due to the storm heading our way. (As you can see from the picture, it wasn\u0026rsquo;t a good day to be driving or stealing children). The usual 1:45 ride home ended up being a 4:30 record breaker! About 2 hours into the drive, my innards told me that it was time to round out the hat trick. A McDonald\u0026rsquo;s restaurant was the recipient of my third ass blast.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Pant-shitting, snow-storming piece of shit day!!"},{"content":"STEELFACE\nMy name is Steelface. I\u0026rsquo;m 23 years old and I work as a janitor at the City\u0026rsquo;s Underground. I wipe up your toilet seat drippings and your secret under-bench earwax. My boss Jane once told me I look like a \u0026ldquo;can of smashed assholes\u0026rdquo; and I\u0026rsquo;ve never recovered. The only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is that I recently discovered that I\u0026rsquo;m indestructible. Let me clarify: only from my neck up can I not be hurt. Take a knife to my midsection and I\u0026rsquo;ll fold just like any of you assholes. So please, if you\u0026rsquo;re gonna shoot, aim high.\nSTRONG ARM\nThe name\u0026rsquo;s Strong Arm. They call me that cuz I can throw shit far. I\u0026rsquo;m real accurate too. One time I fed a parking meter from a distance of three blocks. Another time my wife was getting mouthy so I threw her purse over to Australia. I save a lot of money on stamps, but I got no friends. I like to take nasty pictures of myself and with a flick of my wrist, some random Brazilian gets a little \u0026ldquo;afternoon sunrise.\u0026rdquo;\nSUBTRACTO\nNear the end of the 6th grade I stumbled upon my awesome power. I was getting a math test back that I\u0026rsquo;d written a few days earlier. The mark was 25%. Upon closer examination, I saw that I\u0026rsquo;d answered incorrectly on all the addition, division and multiplication questions. But as for the subtraction questions: not one wrong. I\u0026rsquo;m now in my early thirties and I\u0026rsquo;ve never gotten a subtraction question wrong, or any other mathematics equation right. I know that ME - HAIR = NO GIRLFRIEND. So I eat olives by the jar and milk by the bag to pass time.\n\u0026ldquo;We\u0026rsquo;ve all been blessed with these powers and will one day be called upon to save the World. In the mean time, we gather each Tuesday to share our knowledge, practice our skills and eat many buttered bagels. We are the talented, the special, the enlightened. We are\u0026hellip;\nThe Mildly Impressive Three\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-mildly-impressive-three-mit/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003cem\u003eSTEELFACE\u003c/em\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMy name is Steelface. I\u0026rsquo;m 23 years old and I work as a janitor at the City\u0026rsquo;s Underground. I wipe up your toilet seat drippings and your secret under-bench earwax. My boss Jane once told me I look like a \u0026ldquo;can of smashed assholes\u0026rdquo; and I\u0026rsquo;ve never recovered. The only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is that I recently discovered that I\u0026rsquo;m indestructible. Let me clarify: only from my neck up can I not be hurt. Take a knife to my midsection and I\u0026rsquo;ll fold just like any of you assholes. So please, if you\u0026rsquo;re gonna shoot, aim high.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The Mildly Impressive Three (MIT)"},{"content":"In the interest of science, and for the amusement of the masses, I made it my mission to produce an entertaining post tonight. The mingling of Diet Coke and Canadian Club (aged 12 years, just the way I like it) have created this monster.\nAllow me to show you the artistic awesomeness I produced shortly after the third part of the Grey\u0026rsquo;s Anatomy finale.\n#1 - Me eating Pringles.\n#2 - Me watching Grey\u0026rsquo;s Anatomy.\n#3 - My beverage.\nI now watch episode 16 of the current season of The Real World (much better than the actual real world) where 19-year-olds drink too much and act like whores. God love \u0026rsquo;em.\nWhen I was that age and in college, I was angry about bass from roommate Lloyd\u0026rsquo;s music and Poobag\u0026rsquo;s attitude problem. How did I solve it? I picked up Poobag and tossed him across his room, only stopping when he screamed that I\u0026rsquo;d compromised his poop bag and caused it to leak onto his bed. Wow, that\u0026rsquo;s a shame. Now, back to my room to whack it to Seinfeld first-runs.\nWhat a crazy messed up time in my life that I can hardly remember. Lots of drinking. Lots of rage. Lots of slamming my landlord\u0026rsquo;s spine into a wall and then listening to Stompin\u0026rsquo; Tom with him until the early morning hours. I guess it\u0026rsquo;s really the same as today, with a little extra rage sprinkled on top. One of these days, I\u0026rsquo;ll release it on the world. For now, I eat sesame wafers and chocolate by the cubic metre to subdue the anger inside.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/see-ya-later-homo/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eIn the interest of science, and for the amusement of the masses, I made it my mission to produce an entertaining post tonight. The mingling of Diet Coke and Canadian Club (aged 12 years, just the way I like it) have created this monster.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/cc.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"cc\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/cc.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAllow me to show you the artistic awesomeness I produced shortly after the third part of the Grey\u0026rsquo;s Anatomy finale.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e#1 - Me eating Pringles.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"You're not a doctor, you're a whore."},{"content":"Absolutely nothing is going on. Nothing. Absolutely. Nothing.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/so-what/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAbsolutely nothing is going on. Nothing. Absolutely. Nothing.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"So what"},{"content":"Another Valentine\u0026rsquo;s Day come and gone. A delicious meal at MT Bellies and a Hugh Grant movie \u0026ndash; what more does one need?\nSo it was 10 years ago that Kat and I first met. I believe it was actually Feb. 15th and not the 16th as my memory tells me it was a Saturday, Feb. 15th, 1997 birthday party for Shaun at The Barrel that started things off. Who would have guessed that we\u0026rsquo;d still be together? The \u0026ldquo;it couple\u0026rdquo; hysteria that we created in the late 90\u0026rsquo;s has since died down a tad, but someday we\u0026rsquo;ll make headlines again.\nThe only photographic evidence I have from that night is the following picture (the Carolan\u0026rsquo;s have some creepy fascination with hording photos and videos of other people that I will never understand):\nThink there are 7 or 8 marriages among the group, at least 1 divorce, several babies and some kiddie porn convictions. But most importantly it was the night that a big Barnhardt with even bigger glasses found the best girl in the world.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/10-years-ago-today/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAnother Valentine\u0026rsquo;s Day come and gone. A delicious meal at MT Bellies and a Hugh Grant movie \u0026ndash; what more does one need?\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo it was 10 years ago that Kat and I first met. I believe it was actually Feb. 15th and not the 16th as my memory tells me it was a Saturday, Feb. 15th, 1997 birthday party for Shaun at The Barrel that started things off. Who would have guessed that we\u0026rsquo;d still be together? The \u0026ldquo;it couple\u0026rdquo; hysteria that we created in the late 90\u0026rsquo;s has since died down a tad, but someday we\u0026rsquo;ll make headlines again.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"10 years ago (today?)"},{"content":"The last of the GMA 2005 1/2 videos is here, and it\u0026rsquo;s not that good!\nWord on the street is that GMA 2006 is in the works. Shaun, Pat, Joe, Beth, Spoar and Jeff \u0026hellip; IT\u0026rsquo;S GO TIME!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-last-of-the-unplucked-gems-gma-2k55-finale/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThe last of the GMA 2005 1/2 videos is here, and it\u0026rsquo;s \u003cstrong\u003enot that good\u003c/strong\u003e!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWord on the street is that GMA 2006 is in the works. Shaun, Pat, Joe, Beth, Spoar and Jeff \u0026hellip; IT\u0026rsquo;S GO TIME!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The Last of the Unplucked Gems: GMA 2k5.5 Finale!"},{"content":"Off work today\u0026hellip; cuz I\u0026rsquo;m a gangsta ( read \u0026ldquo;lazy\u0026rdquo;). Kat got a call from work late this morning that some horse had issues and it\u0026rsquo;s foal died. All I know is that Kat was asked to take the deadling to Guelph for an autopsy(?). My first concern was exactly how the transport would take place. Kat said she\u0026rsquo;d take her Escape and put him in the back. Knowing Kat too well, I first assumed that she\u0026rsquo;d buckle him into the front seat and prop him up so he could look out the window. Figured she might also get him a small chocolate milk at Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s and some sunglasses from the dollar store so the sun wouldn\u0026rsquo;t hurt his eyes. Kat tells me each night she\u0026rsquo;d rather have married a horse.\nHit the Sushi Hut for a fergalicious lunch with Kat and Girdy. Haven\u0026rsquo;t had them lovely veggie rolls in a while. Girdy updated us on his promotion within the cult, approaching anniversary with Stacey and possible plans to move out with his bro Adam. Brief mention was made of next weekend when we\u0026rsquo;ll be getting together at least once for some boozin\u0026rsquo;. Sounds like it\u0026rsquo;ll be Saturday for those interested. This is also Shaun\u0026rsquo;s birthday, so he\u0026rsquo;s definitely not invited.\nWent to Niagara Falls after lunch to return some merch at Future Shop. Also hit the Wal-Mart for some necessities. And by necessities I mean pretzels and them new Spicy Curry Lay\u0026rsquo;s. The lady checking me out turned out to be East Indian. The customers checking out ahead of me were greeted with a frown, but the sight of my ethnicly-motivated snack put a smile on her face. Guess she thought of the home land. After scanning the items through she pointed at the chip bag and muttered something that sounded like, \u0026ldquo;Do you have a coupon?\u0026rdquo;. In retrospect, I think she said, \u0026ldquo;You\u0026rsquo;ll need a pooper.\u0026rdquo; Thanks, kind lady.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/a-call-for-curry/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eOff work today\u0026hellip; cuz I\u0026rsquo;m a gangsta ( \u003cem\u003eread \u0026ldquo;lazy\u0026rdquo;\u003c/em\u003e). Kat got a call from work late this morning that some horse had issues and it\u0026rsquo;s foal died. All I know is that Kat was asked to take the deadling to Guelph for an autopsy(?). My first concern was exactly how the transport would take place. Kat said she\u0026rsquo;d take her Escape and put him in the back. Knowing Kat too well, I first assumed that she\u0026rsquo;d buckle him into the front seat and prop him up so he could look out the window. Figured she might also get him a small chocolate milk at Tim Horton\u0026rsquo;s and some sunglasses from the dollar store so the sun wouldn\u0026rsquo;t hurt his eyes. Kat tells me each night she\u0026rsquo;d rather have married a horse.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"A Call for Curry"},{"content":"Dentist appointment this morning went okay (read last night\u0026rsquo;s post for more). Got a metal filling put back in. Drilling the white one out hurt more than watching Girdy dance, but I sucked it up. Hell, after I heard the doc mutter \u0026ldquo;n/c\u0026rdquo; signifying there\u0026rsquo;d be no charge, they coulda taken my pants off and drilled my taint. This Barnhardt likes his free. But is the pain actually gone for good? Barnhardt has his doubts.\nMade a quick stop at Tiger Direct on the way home from work to pick up a keyboard. Standing in line I see a grubby old dude come in and I wonder if he\u0026rsquo;ll excuse himself as he squeezes past. Guy in front of me finishes and I begin to advance. Grubby fucker cuts in front of me and heads up to the cashier. I\u0026rsquo;m stunned and feeling pressure from my linemates to issue stinky a karate chop. I shrug my shoulders as if to convey, \u0026ldquo;Yeah, I see what he\u0026rsquo;s done and I know that he\u0026rsquo;s a foreigner, but let\u0026rsquo;s see where this goes.\u0026rdquo;\nYeah, it went nowhere.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/how-to-hate-everybody/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eDentist appointment this morning went okay (read last night\u0026rsquo;s post for more). Got a metal filling put back in. Drilling the white one out hurt more than watching Girdy dance, but I sucked it up. Hell, after I heard the doc mutter \u0026ldquo;n/c\u0026rdquo; signifying there\u0026rsquo;d be no charge, they coulda taken my pants off and drilled my taint. This Barnhardt likes his free. But is the pain actually gone for good? Barnhardt has his doubts.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"How to hate everybody"},{"content":"So it seems like all of my \u0026ldquo;friends\u0026rdquo; have been bit by the blogging bug. Never one inclined to do anything original, why not throw in my 2 cents while the videos have dried up\u0026hellip;\nTry as I might, I can\u0026rsquo;t get my mind off work. I think about it while I\u0026rsquo;m driving. I think about it while I\u0026rsquo;m tossing in bed. Oddly enough the only place I don\u0026rsquo;t think about it is at work. That\u0026rsquo;s when I think of a pumpkin pie eating me!\nKat and I went to FutureShop on the weekend to pick up a couple things. Drove home in the worst whiteout I\u0026rsquo;ve experienced yet. My greatest achievement wasn\u0026rsquo;t actually making it home, but spending almost an hour creeping along at 5 km/hr and not yelling at Kat. Only taken 10 years, but we\u0026rsquo;ve finally started to get along.\nLast Thursday I felt like celebrating my morbid obesity. Went to the \u0026ldquo;Bank of China\u0026rdquo; for some takeout. While waiting, decided to track down a delicious ice-creamy treat at the local Robomart. Big-boned kid behind the counter tells me they\u0026rsquo;re out of ice cream. I consider a weight-related insult, then realize that I\u0026rsquo;m the one who\u0026rsquo;s 500 pounds and looking for ice cream on a -15 degree Winter night. Who\u0026rsquo;s the one with the problem here?\nOff to bed. An early night for me. Gotta get to the dentist for 8:30.\n\u0026ldquo;We need to replace that old metal filling with a ceramic one,\u0026rdquo; they said.\n\u0026ldquo;Yeah, now that you\u0026rsquo;ve done that it hurts like a c*** whenever I bite down,\u0026rdquo; I returned.\n\u0026ldquo;Well then we\u0026rsquo;ll have to take it out and put a metal one back in.\u0026rdquo;\n\u0026ldquo;Why do you suck and where the F can I get some ice cream?!\u0026rdquo;\n\u0026ldquo;Shut up, bucky.\u0026rdquo;\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/blogging-to-the-extreme/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo it seems like all of my \u0026ldquo;friends\u0026rdquo; have been bit by the blogging bug. Never one inclined to do anything original, why not throw in my 2 cents while the videos have dried up\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTry as I might, I can\u0026rsquo;t get my mind off work. I think about it while I\u0026rsquo;m driving. I think about it while I\u0026rsquo;m tossing in bed. Oddly enough the only place I don\u0026rsquo;t think about it is at work. That\u0026rsquo;s when I think of a pumpkin pie \u003cstrong\u003e\u003cem\u003eeating me\u003c/em\u003e\u003c/strong\u003e!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"blogging... TO THE EXTREME!"},{"content":"When you\u0026rsquo;re hanging out with the Carolan\u0026rsquo;s shooting GMA videos and you suddenly decide to put a damper on things by announcing your forthcoming departure, you\u0026rsquo;d better be fully aware that you will, in fact, be ridiculed for it.\nENJOY!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/gma-2k55-spoar-tries-to-leave/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWhen you\u0026rsquo;re hanging out with the Carolan\u0026rsquo;s shooting GMA videos and you suddenly decide to put a damper on things by announcing your forthcoming departure, you\u0026rsquo;d better be fully aware that you will, in fact, be ridiculed for it.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eENJOY!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA 2k5.5: Spoar tries to leave"},{"content":"Hope you\u0026rsquo;re all enjoying things so far this year. Had tons of content to share with you for January and I hope to be able to keep it up over the weeks and months ahead.\nSo, let\u0026rsquo;s see. What\u0026rsquo;s going on\u0026hellip; Dan Z is rebuilding the dream house while Mel looks for a new job. Andrew\u0026rsquo;s starting work at Woodbine next month while Autumn also looks for a new job. Kyle recently won some cash at poker while Jenny is FortErieDAVE!\u0026rsquo;s biggest fan. Beth has yet to return to the WWE while Joe spends most nights trying to blow himself. And word on the street is that Fort Erie Shaun and Fort Erie Pat will be moving to St. Catharines. The only question I have is where you gonna be living and is your bathroom big enough for me to collapse in?\nSeveral more GMA 2k5.5 videos to come!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/happy-february-bitches/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eHope you\u0026rsquo;re all enjoying things so far this year. Had tons of content to share with you for January and I hope to be able to keep it up over the weeks and months ahead.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo, let\u0026rsquo;s see. What\u0026rsquo;s going on\u0026hellip; Dan Z is rebuilding the dream house while Mel looks for a new job. Andrew\u0026rsquo;s starting work at Woodbine next month while Autumn also looks for a new job. Kyle recently won some cash at poker while Jenny is FortErieDAVE!\u0026rsquo;s biggest fan. Beth has yet to return to the WWE while Joe spends most nights trying to blow himself. And word on the street is that Fort Erie Shaun and Fort Erie Pat will be moving to St. Catharines. The only question I have is where you gonna be living and is your bathroom big enough for me to collapse in?\u003c/p\u003e","title":"HAPPY FEBRUARY, BITCHES!!"},{"content":"This video could go by so many titles. I can best sum it up by saying that this is what happens when you get not 1 or 2, but all 3 Carolan brothers working together on a video. Furthermore, watching this video will give you a good idea of what it\u0026rsquo;s like to be friends with these people. It\u0026rsquo;s often hilarious, occasionally disturbing and undeniably entertaining, as long as you can endure it.\nTake note that this is quite raunchy and not for the faint of heart. It contains explicit man-on-man action, man-on-Spoar action and some salty language throughout. Also, be warned that this is a long one \u0026ndash; almost 10 minutes. So grab yourself a tomato sandwich and a jug of milk and enjoy!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/gma-2k55-finale-the-zammit-one/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThis video could go by so many titles. I can best sum it up by saying that this is what happens when you get not 1 or 2, but all 3 Carolan brothers working together on a video. Furthermore, watching this video will give you a good idea of what it\u0026rsquo;s like to be friends with these people. It\u0026rsquo;s often hilarious, occasionally disturbing and undeniably entertaining, as long as you can endure it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA 2k5.5: The Zammit One!"},{"content":"Not sure how this one got lost in the shuffle from the 2004 GMA\u0026rsquo;s, but I\u0026rsquo;ve resurrected it! It\u0026rsquo;s a not-so-epic story of the fallout from the not-so-planned procreation from J \u0026amp; K. Enjoy!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/lost-gma-2004-video-jenny-kyle/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eNot sure how this one got lost in the shuffle from the 2004 GMA\u0026rsquo;s, but I\u0026rsquo;ve resurrected it! It\u0026rsquo;s a not-so-epic story of the fallout from the not-so-planned procreation from J \u0026amp; K. Enjoy!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Lost GMA 2004 video... JENNY \u0026 KYLE"},{"content":"\nThought it was time to give a little back to the adoring public. Here\u0026rsquo;s some kickass desktop wallpaper for all you girls out there (click the pic above). You get two Barnhardts and a Firebird \u0026ndash; a combo that can brighten the darkest of days.\nWhile you\u0026rsquo;re placing your icons in orbit around my 1995 gunt, don\u0026rsquo;t overlook the killer mane I\u0026rsquo;m sportin\u0026rsquo;. Sadly, most of that has vacated my head and taken up residence in my ears and eyebrows. You ever get a 2-inch hair in your eyebrow? Didn\u0026rsquo;t think so. Course, you probably haven\u0026rsquo;t eaten a bag of ant chips either. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/something-for-the-ladies/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/2bsandafb.jpg\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"2bsandafb\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/2bsandafb.jpg\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThought it was time to give a little back to the adoring public. Here\u0026rsquo;s some kickass desktop wallpaper for all you girls out there (click the pic above). You get two Barnhardts and a Firebird \u0026ndash; a combo that can brighten the darkest of days.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhile you\u0026rsquo;re placing your icons in orbit around my 1995 gunt, don\u0026rsquo;t overlook the killer mane I\u0026rsquo;m sportin\u0026rsquo;. Sadly, most of that has vacated my head and taken up residence in my ears and eyebrows. You ever get a 2-inch hair in your eyebrow? Didn\u0026rsquo;t think so. Course, you probably haven\u0026rsquo;t eaten a bag of ant chips either. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Something for the ladies!"},{"content":"UPDATE: I\u0026rsquo;ve posted this one already, but last night I found some bonus footage that I\u0026rsquo;d missed. Watch it in its entirety and enjoy the extra goodness.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/gma2k5-the-dairy-queen-one/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eUPDATE: I\u0026rsquo;ve posted this one already, but last night I found some bonus footage that I\u0026rsquo;d missed. Watch it in its entirety and enjoy the extra goodness.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA 2k5.5: The Dairy Queen One! (REDUX)"},{"content":"Everyone\u0026rsquo;s gotta go for a ride!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/gma2k55-the-war-machine/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eEveryone\u0026rsquo;s gotta go for a ride!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA 2k5.5: The War Machine!"},{"content":"The story told in this 3rd video from the lost GMA 2005 1/2 footage is funny, but the telling of it might be the best part. GIDDY-UP!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/gma-2k55-its-the-journey-not-the-destination/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThe story told in this 3rd video from the lost GMA 2005 1/2 footage is funny, but the telling of it might be the best part. GIDDY-UP!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA 2k5.5: It's the journey, not the destination"},{"content":"For whatever reason, this didn\u0026rsquo;t make the final cut that night. The performances are top notch. Shaun\u0026rsquo;s \u0026ldquo;East Indian eyewitness\u0026rdquo; \u0026ndash; rock solid.\n\u0026hellip; be sure to watch right to the end as Joe\u0026rsquo;s drug-induced rants prove why he\u0026rsquo;s not welcome in Canada any more.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/from-the-2004-gmas-old-tyme-massacre/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eFor whatever reason, this didn\u0026rsquo;t make the final cut that night. The performances are top notch. Shaun\u0026rsquo;s \u0026ldquo;East Indian eyewitness\u0026rdquo; \u0026ndash; rock solid.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u0026hellip; be sure to watch right to the end as Joe\u0026rsquo;s drug-induced rants prove why he\u0026rsquo;s not welcome in Canada any more.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"From the 2004 GMA's: Old Tyme Massacre"},{"content":"\nIn my ongoing effort to make sure all of the goodness from the old site is still available, I must remind you of the coverage of our 1995 Calgary saga. Not only are there some good quality negative scans in the gallery, but I\u0026rsquo;ve also reposted the Calgary: The Untold Story feature.\nI\u0026rsquo;m sure the thousands of visitors here have been wondering just what the hell that strange looking woman is in the Calgary graphics. You see, in the C-dot we had the habit of renting the shittiest movies. One day, Frankenhooker came into our lives. We loved it. Of course, I try to watch it now and it\u0026rsquo;s just painful to get through. Guess that\u0026rsquo;s what happens when a guy changes from a hippie-haired 18-year-old to a 30-year-old fat ass.\nAnywho, I now present a brief video montage featuring 4 of the most memorable scenes:\nThe lead character\u0026rsquo;s girlfriend is sliced up. In order to rebuild her, the lead character feeds a batch of hookers some \u0026ldquo;Super Crack,\u0026rdquo; they die and he claims their body parts. (Look for the cameo by Cliff Sweeting as the unhappy pimp). The \u0026ldquo;Frankenhooker\u0026rdquo; (containing the dead girlfriend\u0026rsquo;s brain) comes to life and goes all \u0026ldquo;Beth Carolan\u0026rdquo; on the lead character\u0026rsquo;s ass. A man with an eery resemblance to the future Dave Barnhardt receives pleasure (and pain) from the Frankenhooker. ","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/calgary-wont-barnhardt-ever-let-it-go/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/ctus_cover.gif\"\u003e\u003cimg alt=\"ctus_cover\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/ctus_cover.gif\"\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIn my ongoing effort to make sure all of the goodness from the old site is still available, I must remind you of the coverage of our 1995 Calgary saga. Not only are there some good quality \u003ca href=\"/photos/calgary-1995-the-after-party\" title=\"Calgary pics in the gallery!\"\u003enegative scans in the gallery\u003c/a\u003e, but I\u0026rsquo;ve also reposted the \u003ca href=\"/calgary\" title=\"Calgary: The Untold Story\"\u003eCalgary: The Untold Story\u003c/a\u003e feature.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;m sure the thousands of visitors here have been wondering just what the hell that strange looking woman is in the Calgary graphics. You see, in the C-dot we had the habit of renting the shittiest movies. One day, \u003ca href=\"http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099611/\" title=\"Frankenhooker at IMDB\"\u003eFrankenhooker\u003c/a\u003e came into our lives. We loved it. Of course, I try to watch it now and it\u0026rsquo;s just painful to get through. Guess that\u0026rsquo;s what happens when a guy changes from a hippie-haired 18-year-old to a 30-year-old fat ass.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Calgary: Won't Barnhardt ever let it go?!"},{"content":"Could this be the first bit of controversy on FortErieDAVE! in 2007? Why must you ruin relationships, Barnhardt. Why?\nAw, whatever. Everyone\u0026rsquo;s gotta take their licks\u0026hellip; ENJOY THE SECOND VIDEO!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/gma-2k55-snap-not-zap/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eCould this be the first bit of controversy on FortErieDAVE! in 2007? Why must you ruin relationships, Barnhardt. Why?\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAw, whatever. Everyone\u0026rsquo;s gotta take their licks\u0026hellip; ENJOY THE SECOND VIDEO!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA 2k5.5: SNAP, not ZAP!"},{"content":"Alright, let\u0026rsquo;s get down to English.\nHere\u0026rsquo;s the first installment of the promised video clips. Enjoy!\nMORE LATER THIS WEEK!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/gma-2k55-what-do-you-feed-that-thing/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eAlright, let\u0026rsquo;s get down to English.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHere\u0026rsquo;s the first installment of the promised video clips. Enjoy!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMORE LATER THIS WEEK!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA 2k5.5: What Do You FEED That Thing?!"},{"content":"This already exists in the video gallery, but I wanted to post it up front as I prepare to unleash the never-before-seen clips from the 2005 GMA Awards (GMA=\u0026ldquo;Golden Monkey A-hole\u0026rdquo; aka \u0026ldquo;An excuse for us to drink and celebrate our stupidity from the year gone by\u0026rdquo;). I\u0026rsquo;ll release the clips one at a time over the next several weeks.\nAnd now, some brief glimpses at what\u0026rsquo;s to come\u0026hellip;\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/gma-2005-and-a-half-teaser/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThis already exists in the video gallery, but I wanted to post it up front as I prepare to unleash the never-before-seen clips from the 2005 GMA Awards (GMA=\u0026ldquo;Golden Monkey A-hole\u0026rdquo; aka \u0026ldquo;An excuse for us to drink and celebrate our stupidity from the year gone by\u0026rdquo;). I\u0026rsquo;ll release the clips one at a time over the next several weeks.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd now, some brief glimpses at what\u0026rsquo;s to come\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA 2005-and-a-half teaser"},{"content":"So Andrew dug up some old footage of me in a pink hat consuming food. It\u0026rsquo;s equal parts hot and embarrassing. Enjoy!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-submarine-the-chocolate-milk-and-me/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSo Andrew dug up some old footage of me in a pink hat consuming food. It\u0026rsquo;s equal parts hot and embarrassing. Enjoy!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"The Submarine, the Chocolate Milk and Me"},{"content":" You did an awesome job!!! I had checked it out a few times a few years ago but I\u0026rsquo;ll be visiting more often now. I still can\u0026rsquo;t believe how awesome it was.\nLuc Bertran\nI was gettin emotional there but then you came back!!! your like Rocky!!! I have my life back because of you young sir. thank you.\nJoey Knight\nFORTERIEDAVE.COM LIVES!!!! I\u0026rsquo;m so happy that I threw my Wii out the window and vowed never to leave my computer screen again!! Long live Barnhardt!!!\nBeth Phoenix\nPure Genius.. so good dave \u0026hellip; so good. The best thing to come out of fort erie is forteriedave.com.\nSexy Monkey\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/smell-the-love/","summary":"\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou did an awesome job!!! I had checked it out a few times a few years ago but I\u0026rsquo;ll be visiting more often now. I still can\u0026rsquo;t believe how awesome it was.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eLuc Bertran\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/blockquote\u003e\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI was gettin emotional there but then you came back!!! your like Rocky!!! I have my life back because of you young sir. thank you.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eJoey Knight\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/blockquote\u003e\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFORTERIEDAVE.COM LIVES!!!! I\u0026rsquo;m so happy that I threw my Wii out the window and vowed never to leave my computer screen again!! Long live Barnhardt!!!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Smell the love"},{"content":"Wow.\nAs you may\u0026rsquo;ve noticed, I\u0026rsquo;ve been away for awhile. The last photo gallery I put up was from the trip Kat and I took to Ottawa and Quebec back in February. Then I took the site down. Put up stuff now and then, but not until I got some vacation time could I redo it properly.\nAnd here we are now.\nI\u0026rsquo;ve just finished two weeks of going crazy on the site. Work started with the visual design. I wrapped the look around the photo gallery. The code for the gallery needed tweaking to work right with the videos. No problem. Then I set up a Wordpress theme to match the gallery. All that took about 10 days with holiday obligations interspersed. I\u0026rsquo;m sure you don\u0026rsquo;t care.\nThen came the opening video for the front page which I dreamed up about 3 weeks ago. The songs came to me first. \u0026ldquo;Mad World\u0026rdquo; by Gary Jules that I first heard in the Gears of War Trailer.\nThe Superman song came a bit from having seen Superman Returns earlier this year, but also from the Seinfeld montage that was done to the same song.\nI\u0026rsquo;ve spent more time working on the video than I have with my wife. She may or may not have left me \u0026ndash; I haven\u0026rsquo;t had time to check.\nIt may be my best work yet. It\u0026rsquo;s not perfect. There are some glitches, but please, enjoy it again.\nBy the way, if you don\u0026rsquo;t want to see the video every time you come here, you can click on the black area where the \u0026ldquo;click here to proceed\u0026rdquo; graphic comes up. It\u0026rsquo;ll send you here right away. I\u0026rsquo;ll make this page the first page you see in a few weeks.\nSo you\u0026rsquo;ll see that the site looks quite a bit different, but all the old content is here along with some new stuff. Check out the Videos area where I\u0026rsquo;ve put up all videos that ever touched the old site, though there\u0026rsquo;s more to come. I\u0026rsquo;ve redone the Calgary photo gallery with better quality pics.\nYou\u0026rsquo;ll see that the categories in the photo gallery have been rearranged to make more sense.\nFuck it. Rather than give you a huge list of everything that\u0026rsquo;s changed, just check back for more details in the days ahead.\nIn the mean time, take a look around and enjoy!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/10/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWow.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAs you may\u0026rsquo;ve noticed, I\u0026rsquo;ve been away for awhile. The last photo gallery I put up was from the trip Kat and I took to Ottawa and Quebec back in February. Then I took the site down. Put up stuff now and then, but not until I got some vacation time could I redo it properly.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd here we are now.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI\u0026rsquo;ve just finished two weeks of going crazy on the site. Work started with the visual design. I wrapped the look around the photo gallery. The code for the gallery needed tweaking to work right with the videos. No problem. Then I set up a Wordpress theme to match the gallery. All that took about 10 days with holiday obligations interspersed. I\u0026rsquo;m sure you don\u0026rsquo;t care.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"It's on like Donkey Kong"},{"content":"No, no. She\u0026rsquo;s not dead. But watch the video with the volume up and a tumbler of red wine in hand because it\u0026rsquo;s a tear jerker.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/overly-dramatic-beth-tage/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eNo, no. She\u0026rsquo;s not dead. But watch the video with the volume up and a tumbler of red wine in hand because it\u0026rsquo;s a tear jerker.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Overly dramatic Beth-tage"},{"content":"Joe thinks he might be in the hood. That\u0026rsquo;s not a reference to a woman\u0026rsquo;s junk area, although Joe is usually on a cell phone when he\u0026rsquo;s messing with girl crotch parts.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/cryme-tyme/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eJoe thinks he might be in the hood. That\u0026rsquo;s not a reference to a woman\u0026rsquo;s junk area, although Joe is usually on a cell phone when he\u0026rsquo;s messing with girl crotch parts.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Cryme Tyme"},{"content":"Beth\u0026rsquo;s winning ways continue, but she suffers an injury in this one. A jaw injury. I tried to fit all of Adam Girdlestone in my mouth one time and I suffered no such injury.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/beth-fug-that-musta-hurt/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eBeth\u0026rsquo;s winning ways continue, but she suffers an injury in this one. A jaw injury. I tried to fit all of Adam Girdlestone in my mouth one time and I suffered no such injury.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Beth... FUG, that musta hurt"},{"content":"I haven\u0026rsquo;t seen this much stretch fabric and tits since that time I asked Dan to hold onto a piece of stretch fabric for me.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/beths-first-match/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI haven\u0026rsquo;t seen this much stretch fabric and tits since that time I asked Dan to hold onto a piece of stretch fabric for me.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Beth's first match"},{"content":"\u0026ldquo;I\u0026rsquo;ll never forget what you did to me!\u0026rdquo;\nThat\u0026rsquo;s what Beth says and what I said to Joe every morning when we woke up in Calgary. And no, I haven\u0026rsquo;t forgotten.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/beths-back-and-she-talks/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u0026ldquo;I\u0026rsquo;ll never forget what you did to me!\u0026rdquo;\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat\u0026rsquo;s what Beth says and what I said to Joe every morning when we woke up in Calgary. And no, I haven\u0026rsquo;t forgotten.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Beth's back, and she talks!"},{"content":"Sticking up for Trish Stratus at the end of a match. Spoiler alert: There\u0026rsquo;s more screaming in this than came from Joe on the night of their wedding\u0026hellip; but only a slight bit more.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/beths-debut/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eSticking up for Trish Stratus at the end of a match. Spoiler alert: There\u0026rsquo;s more screaming in this than came from Joe on the night of their wedding\u0026hellip; but only a slight bit more.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Beth's arrival"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/new-years-eve-2005/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2005"},{"content":"I don\u0026rsquo;t remember what the F this is. Sounds like Goretta and Joe yelling. Appears to be Dan Zammit wrestling and pulling worms out of his pants. Beth almost kisses the other chick. This is what 98% of Nugget Zammit\u0026rsquo;s dreams look like, I\u0026rsquo;m sure.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/worms/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eI don\u0026rsquo;t remember what the F this is. Sounds like Goretta and Joe yelling. Appears to be Dan Zammit wrestling and pulling worms out of his pants. Beth almost kisses the other chick. This is what 98% of Nugget Zammit\u0026rsquo;s dreams look like, I\u0026rsquo;m sure.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Worms"},{"content":"Couple of times recently Beth has appeared in the background of some behind-the-scenes clips on RAW and the Survivor Series PPV. I once survived eating 1/8th of a raw pig, which I would say qualifies as an equally as impressive and emotionally similar feat.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/beth-in-the-background/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eCouple of times recently Beth has appeared in the background of some behind-the-scenes clips on RAW and the Survivor Series PPV. I once survived eating 1/8th of a raw pig, which I would say qualifies as an equally as impressive and emotionally similar feat.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Beth in the background"},{"content":"There\u0026rsquo;s no way Spoar would ever sue me for posting this would he?\nOh, yep. There he goes. He\u0026rsquo;s suing me.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/spoars-a-giving-guy/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThere\u0026rsquo;s no way Spoar would ever sue me for posting this would he?\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOh, yep. There he goes. He\u0026rsquo;s suing me.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Spoar's a Giving Guy"},{"content":"In truth, we all need a good talking to every now and then by Kyle in a Mexican parka, right?\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/all-dressed-and-judgemental/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eIn truth, we all need a good talking to every now and then by Kyle in a Mexican parka, right?\u003c/p\u003e","title":"All Dressed and Judgemental"},{"content":"This motherfucker\u0026rsquo;s out of his motherfuckin\u0026rsquo; mind.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/um-pat-youre-at-a-drive-thru/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eThis motherfucker\u0026rsquo;s out of his motherfuckin\u0026rsquo; mind.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Um, Pat. You're at a Drive Thru"},{"content":"\u0026hellip; and NOT funny. DOUBLE BONUS! Who wrote this shit?\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/boob-job-wow-thats-pretty-insensitive/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u0026hellip; and NOT funny. DOUBLE BONUS! Who wrote this shit?\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Boob Job? Wow, that's pretty insensitive..."},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/shannons-cottage/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Shannon's Cottage"},{"content":"Loaded up a bunch of videos and pictures and clicked the MAKE IT GAY button on my \u0026lsquo;puter. This is what happened\u0026hellip;\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/penus-alotta/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eLoaded up a bunch of videos and pictures and clicked the MAKE IT GAY button on my \u0026lsquo;puter. This is what happened\u0026hellip;\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Penus Alotta"},{"content":"Joe and Pat as paramedics on tonight\u0026rsquo;s RAW. Inspiring. To who? Not sure.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/joe-and-pat-to-the-rescu-nope-they-screwed-it-up/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eJoe and Pat as paramedics on tonight\u0026rsquo;s RAW. Inspiring. To who? Not sure.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Joe and Pat to the rescu... NOPE they screwed it up!"},{"content":"[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/vehicular-awesome-slaughter/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Vehicular Awesome-slaughter"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/new-years-eve-2004/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2004"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/new-years-gorge-hike/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: New Years Gorge Hike"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/festivus-2004/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Festivus 2004"},{"content":"What a terrible, offensive, tasteless, classless, brilliant, hilarious, award-winning piece of genius this is! Circle of friends? I think not. Circle of barely-able-to-hide-it enemies!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/golden-monkey-a-hole-awards-2004-zap/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWhat a terrible, offensive, tasteless, classless, brilliant, hilarious, award-winning piece of genius this is! Circle of friends? I think not. Circle of barely-able-to-hide-it enemies!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA Awards 2004: ZAP!"},{"content":"It\u0026rsquo;s like every other family\u0026rsquo;s Christmas except this one comes with an extra big helping of unnecessary rage towards children.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/golden-monkey-a-hole-awards-2004-a-girdlestone-family-christmas/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eIt\u0026rsquo;s like every other family\u0026rsquo;s Christmas except this one comes with an extra big helping of unnecessary rage towards children.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA Awards 2004: A Girdlestone Family Christmas"},{"content":"Ha ha ha. No! Not if the editor of this video has anything to say about it.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/golden-monkey-a-hole-awards-2004-kyle-the-headliner-of-the-pukefest/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eHa ha ha. No! Not if the editor of this video has anything to say about it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA Awards 2004: Aaron the headliner of the Pukefest?"},{"content":"Dan, Dave and Spoar. See how \u0026ldquo;the circle\u0026rdquo; views them!\n(Hint: They\u0026rsquo;re all considered to be trash in size 44 pants.)\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/golden-monkey-a-hole-awards-2004-the-montages/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eDan, Dave and Spoar. See how \u0026ldquo;the circle\u0026rdquo; views them!\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e(Hint: They\u0026rsquo;re all considered to be trash in size 44 pants.)\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA Awards 2004: The Montages"},{"content":"Wait, Spoar went to school? Right, right. That\u0026rsquo;s where the believability of this video really hits a wall.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/golden-monkey-a-hole-awards-2004-spoar-in-school/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWait, Spoar went to school? Right, right. That\u0026rsquo;s where the believability of this video really hits a wall.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA Awards 2004: Spoar in School"},{"content":"\u0026hellip; and he missed it.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/golden-monkey-a-hole-awards-2004-jeff-gets-a-chance/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e\u0026hellip; and he missed it.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA Awards 2004: Jeff Gets a Chance"},{"content":"It\u0026rsquo;s like all the trans fat has clogged his brain and he forgets what hard liquor does to a Barnhardt.\nWas his passing out in the bathroom and flailing around on the ground what caused Spoar\u0026rsquo;s shower to get broken? Absolutely. 100%. Spoar: The cheque\u0026rsquo;s in the mail. Sorry, buddy.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/golden-monkey-a-hole-awards-2004-dave-new-years-2001/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eIt\u0026rsquo;s like all the trans fat has clogged his brain and he forgets what hard liquor does to a Barnhardt.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWas his passing out in the bathroom and flailing around on the ground what caused Spoar\u0026rsquo;s shower to get broken? Absolutely. 100%. Spoar: The cheque\u0026rsquo;s in the mail. Sorry, buddy.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA Awards 2004: Dave New Years 2001"},{"content":"You take a trip to Toronto with a skid of Lucky Lager and this timeless piece of art emerges. Enjoy!\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/golden-monkey-a-hole-awards-2004-the-demon/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eYou take a trip to Toronto with a skid of Lucky Lager and this timeless piece of art emerges. Enjoy!\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GMA Awards 2004: The Demon"},{"content":"Tragedy + time = probably still gonna hear about this.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/cops-bridgeburg/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eTragedy + time = probably still gonna hear about this.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Cops... Bridgeburg?"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/p-e-i/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: P.E.I."},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/gorge-hike-and-shrimp-feast/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Gorge hike and Shrimp feast"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/drinking-oh-and-stupidity-drinking-and-stupidity/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Drinking"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/spoartney-wedding/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Spoartney Wedding"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/new-years-eve-2003/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2003"},{"content":"Halloween night. Jeff is The Joker. This is the least amount of makeup anyone ever thought an adult Jeff Girdlestone would be wearing.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/frank-the-tank/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eHalloween night. Jeff is The Joker. This is the \u003cem\u003eleast\u003c/em\u003e amount of makeup anyone ever thought an adult Jeff Girdlestone would be wearing.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Frank the Tank"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/pats-birthday/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Pat's Birthday \u0026 Halloween"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/new-york-city/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: New York City!"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/joe-beths-wedding/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Joe \u0026 Beth's Wedding"},{"content":"Who invited this guy? No one? Seriously? Are we even monitoring the guest li\u0026hellip; wait, what the hell is that guy putting into his eyes over there?! Oh god. That\u0026rsquo;s gonna be bad.\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/joes-wedding-jeff-arrives/","summary":"\u003cp\u003eWho invited this guy? No one? Seriously? Are we even monitoring the guest li\u0026hellip; wait, what the hell is that guy putting into his eyes over there?! Oh god. That\u0026rsquo;s gonna be bad.\u003c/p\u003e","title":"Joe's wedding: Jeff arrives"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/woodbine-cottage-trip-2003/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Woodbine Cottage Trip 2003"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/hiking-the-gorge/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Hiking the Gorge"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/shauns-birthday/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Shaun's Birthday"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/new-years-eve-2002/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2002"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/1875/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Carolan Christmas Party 2002"},{"content":"[mla_gallery]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/2002-woodbine-christmas-party/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Woodbine Christmas Party 2002"},{"content":"[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/3183/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Woodbine Cottage Trip 2002"},{"content":"[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/woodbine-cottage-trip-2001/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Woodbine Cottage Trip 2001"},{"content":"[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/new-years-eve-2000/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: New Year's Eve 2000"},{"content":"[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/new-years-eve-1999/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: New Year's Eve 1999"},{"content":"[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/cedar-point-1999/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Cedar Point 1999"},{"content":"[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/gallery-dans-birthday-1997/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Dan's Birthday 1997"},{"content":"[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/the-tragically-trip-1995/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: The Tragically Trip 1995"},{"content":"[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/calgary-1995-the-after-party/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Calgary 1995 + the after party"},{"content":"[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\n","permalink":"https://34.forteriedave.com/miscellaneous-stupidity/","summary":"\u003cp\u003e[mla_gallery mla_markup=custom_notaken]\u003c/p\u003e","title":"GALLERY: Miscellaneous Stupidity"}]