So last night I found the Wizard’s key. Turned out it was right where the Elf lords told me it would be – in the freezer next to my monster-sized Kit-Kat.
I took the key and put it into the lock. The chamber opened and inside I found a large jar of chunky peanut butter, two litres of homo milk and a Bic lighter. Not knowing what to do, I called Ryan Spoar. He suggested I put on my tightest jeans and “head on over,” but I failed to see how that would help so I pretended we had a bad connection and hung up.
In the end I ate the peanut butter, drank the tasty milk and used the lighter to ignite my bra collection. The Kit-Kat bar told me I wouldn’t be needing them where I was going.
And just where was I going? Well, a short time later the Dragon Princess of Shandu called me from Giant Tiger. Apparently they’d rearranged the store and she couldn’t find the ketchup so I had to meet her. While I was there I stole some telephone wire and three VHS copies of Blind Date starring a young Bruce Willis. Shandu, her ketchup, Blind Date and I retreated into the night.